Pastors Say She’s From ‘Strong’ Family

Dear Agatha,

I thank you for the way you answer questions relating to relationships. I pray, God will continue to bless you with wisdom.

I am currently in love with a lady, who is seeking admission to continue with her Higher National Diploma and I promise to marry her. The problem, however, is that the lady is from a ‘strong’ family. Three pastors have called me aside to warn me against marrying the lady. According to them, I must be ready to fight if I marry the lady.

I am confused and don't know what to do. I am planning on leaving her, but don't know how to do it without hurting her feelings. I also want us to continue as friends even when we go our different ways. Please, I need your advice on what to do. I am 31 while she is 29 years.

Worried Man.

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Dear Worried Man,

What do you mean she comes from a ‘strong’ family? Is it spiritual or a family of tough people, principled persons who don’t like to be cheated? As pastors, they should be in a position to tell you what to do or if she is the right woman for you or not. This is because we all come from families with one history or the other, a history which isn’t devoid of fetish practices sometime in the ancient past, family of strange traditions and cultures. Many of us, pastors and religious leaders inclusive, are still struggling with the spiritual consequences of some of these traditions our ancestors got us into.

One of the challenges of taking a job in God’s vineyard is to help confused souls through the part of darkness into light. Having discovered the major challenge confronting her as a person, the next step for them is to help free her from whatever powers that are holding her captive.

Therefore, ask them what the panacea is. Leaving her isn’t a solution as such because the next woman may have more complications than hers. Since you wish to remain her friend, the law of proper friendship demands we offer assistance to our friends in time of need. Nobody may have told her about this aspect of her life, hence could be ignorant of why things might not be working well for her. That God has used you through these pastors to expose what is hidden in her life, go the extra mile by telling her about your discovery as well as what she can do to set herself free.

Remember, God says His people who are called by his name perish due to ignorance. Fate has a way of bringing people who are in different needs together for the sake of solving the major challenges in their lives. You may not know what your own flaws are or what salient spiritual battle is confronting you too, but God knows and could have sent her too to help drag you out of it.

If at 31, you still don’t have a stable relationship or an inkling of the type of woman for you, then something isn’t really right somewhere. Your willingness to jettison the relationship shows you don’t have a clear image of what you want in life as well as the needed determination to give you the push to achieve your dream in life.

By now you ought to know, no good venture is devoid of painful challenges as well as the struggle to make it work. In life is a road, too smooth at the beginning then something isn’t really right with it. If the opposition to your happiness is the history of her past, confront it with all the love and determination required to get you closer to your happiness.

Besides, what do you understand by love? Love comes with huge responsibilities; it is a journey of sacrifices, investment and unconditional giving. Would you have left her had these revelations come after your wedding? How much does the girl mean to you?

In matters like this, it pays to do a double check with God. Go to Him in prayers and supplication by asking for direct revelation on what steps you should take. Once God speaks, go the way He has directed irrespective of whatever anybody says. It is always best to err on the side of caution than regrets later in life because it is journey of numerous twists, turns as well as puzzle. Marriage is an individual thing and always best if the two people involved in it also go to God in prayers.

Your final decision should be based on what God says on the matter because His are the only words you can hold to. And if the instruction is for you to quit, go for the truth option. There is no substitute to telling the truth. She will eventually thank you for being so honest even though it may hurt her at the beginning.

Good luck.

My Parents Are Wrestlers In Our Parlour…

Dear Agatha,

I have lived my life watching my parents fight. When two elephants fight, the grass suffers. I don’t know what love is.

Confused Girl.

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Dear Confused Girl,

That your parents’ example isn’t anything to write home about doesn’t remove from the fact that there is something called love. Despite the problems your parents seem to be currently having in their marriage, at one time or the other, love existed between them, strong enough to make the decision to spend the rest of their lives together.

You and your siblings are example of that love. Doubtless, something must have gone very wrong with them along the line to bring about this massive u-turn in their feelings for each other. At one time, they couldn’t get enough of the other.

The sad truth about marriage and falling in love is that it comes with a lot of painful sacrifices. One that a party in the relationship must decide on from the very beginning to help grow the union. Anybody can fall in love, but it takes dedication as well as the grace of God to sustain it.

The inability of the couple involved to take on the responsibility of making the right sacrifices is often the reason most end up bitter and dissatisfied with the choices they have made.

For anyone to remain in love, that person must at all times be ready to endure pains to share in the beauty of love.

Love is living in the body of your partner; it is being able to forgive the person of any offence, helping that person grow, showing respect, making huge sacrifices for that person through accommodation of that person’s faults, refusing to give up on that person even when all indices point otherwise, and uncertain as to where the relationship is headed. It is the failure of most couples to invest themselves into the happiness of their partners that bring about disappointments and bitterness.

For you to recognise love, you must have it yourself because what you don’t have, you cannot give. Learn to be patient, trustful, sincere, loyal, supportive, and tolerant with yourselves as well as understanding of yourselves. Above all, learn to be your own friend.

When you have invested time on making yourself happy, it is only then you can give these things to another person. A frustrated and impatient person can never be tolerant of another person neither can a self-centered be selfless.

Recognising these qualities in yourself makes it easier to focus on a person, who can bring about more improvement in you. It also makes it easier to know where the problem spot with your partner is as well as offer forgiveness at all times whether the person asks for it or not.

Again, communication makes it possible for couples to talk sincerely about their challenges instead of bottling up until it erupts into destruction. When couples quarrel like your parents are doing, it is because they haven’t mastered the importance of talking things over and coming to a middle ground. Love is also about responsibility and respectability. If you refuse to take proper responsibility for your actions, it follows you will lose respect of the other party.

Love is also about being realistic on all matters. Despite being a highly emotional thing, it often pays to be very realistic to avoid environmental frustration setting in.

When love comes your way, treat it like delicate chinaware, one that needs fragile handling, though it is tough enough to weather the storm of life. Love is tough but only if given enough attention and dedication to survive life’s challenges.

You can help your parents find the love they seem to have lost by offering them the right words as well as reminding them of their responsibilities to you all in addition to the example. By refusing to be judgmental and forgiving, you are giving them the benefit of having the best of you.

Whatever happens, don’t allow the example of your parents affect your ability to love or attitude towards marriage. Problems are concomitantly part of life, always to be solved. Once you have the right determination to make things work, they will.

When thorny issues come, it is always best to go on one’s knees to pray and ask for God’s wisdom. Not every matter requires a reply. Most battles in a relationship are best resolved through prayers to God, who has the ability to do all things right.

Good luck.