Marriage: A school where no man graduates

Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626


Dear Readers,

Thanks for all your good wishes for me as I add another year today. I really appreciate every one of you. May God bless and keep you all for your kind and warm wishes for me. As usual on my birthdays, we are going into discussion on a topic that stood out through the year. We would be discussing marriage because it continues to be an issue from generation to generation.

Agatha.



The marriage institution remains the only one mankind would never be tired of. Unlike other institutions, no one is expected to graduate from it. From the very moment a child is born, he or she is expected to go into it one day and prayers at most christening ceremonies underscore this thinking and expectation.

Ironically, despite all these expectations, it is the one institution we are least prepared for. This is why it appears to be having problems, why marriages seem not to be working along the line God designed it. Many a time an exaggerated impression is presented about the institution that is far from reality. Apart from the references we make to it, there is very little attempt by the society to give proper tutorials to youths going into this all important institution. There seems to be a conspiracy of silence by everybody to conceal from the youths the real challenges inherent in the institution.

The consequence is akin to writing an examination without studying or preparing for it. Little wonder the first thing many newly-weds think of when reality dawns, is to end the whole thing. The ignorance and false impression with which many youths are today going into marriages is responsible for the high statistics of divorces the society is experiencing today.

Recently too, wrong ideas and values coupled with the refusal of the society to talk more freely about our collective mistakes in our various marriages, the difficulties we as parents are having managing those mistakes, our regrets and lessons from our experiences are also contributing to the quality of marriages the society is producing.



Bothered by what has now appeared to be the trend in both young and old marriages, I have decided to write on this topic with emphasis on the preparatory stage leading to marriage.

Every successful relationship cum marriage must begin with a vision. Though cosmopolitan in its nature, for it to work, a couple must learn to personalise it. Every man or woman thinking of marriage must first have a personal idea of what he or she hopes to achieve in life. If we all dream of what we want to become in future, shouldn’t we think of the vehicle that would help us sustain the dream of who we want to be? This is the basis. Without this basic vision, it becomes almost impossible for any man or woman to have an idea of who would fit perfectly into one’s life plan. The consequence of not knowing what one wants leads to the mistake of settling for the first person that comes not minding if there is an agreement of the mind, soul, and spirit.

A bad marriage can capsize the most promising of dreams. A man or woman could be blessed with the most superior intellect, but if unfortunate to have a bad spouse such intelligence could pass for foolishness and go unnoticed. Without appearing to castigate any gender, men are the worst victims of bad marriages given their God ordained role as head of the family. While a woman can endure, find ways of making herself happy by devoting all her time, love and attention to her children, a role women are playing very well, the man ends up a drunk, an adulterer or a complete failure in life. Unfortunately the same system that produced his failures turns round to mock him.

Many a time the attraction between a man and woman does not go beyond the inside of the lips. It takes a more than a chance meeting; an exchange of vows to make it work the way marriage should work. There is nothing like they lived happily ever more in marriage, rather it is they lived a life of absolute determination to make it work. Tolerance, selfless sacrifices, patience are the backbone of successful marriage story.

One party must be ready to do more of the sacrifices for the other person.

Unlike the romance books qualifications of Tall, Handsome and Rich (THR) must have features for a man; Tall, Slim and Beautiful (TSB) for the woman, the real world is more complex than this. Experiences and statistics point to the fallacy and emptiness of these expectations. A man or woman can be beautiful inside but very ugly outside. Therefore the success of marriage isn’t measured by physical but by the inner qualities of that person.

Because of the roles the genders must play in the success of a union, the man must be focused along the line of responsibility and support for his family. A man who lacks the ability to command respect for himself and plans for his family success vis-à-vis hard work, would never get the full support of his wife.

The man may not make enough money but if the wife sees his efforts, she would have no problem giving him all the encouragements he needs by her unconditional support. This is the reason a man must find himself a woman who has the strength of character as well as the needed patience to see her man through difficult times.

The worst mistake any man can make in life is to marry a woman who lacks the patience to give him time to succeed. Young men in search for a wife must avoid a woman who is constantly comparing them with others, making unnecessary demands or appear in a hurry to hit the peak in life. True love is patient, kind, isn’t envious, self-seeking, rude or proud.

It glows with understanding and a willingness to support at all times. It comes from the heart and not from the face. Its strength is its ability to go the extra mile for the sake of that person he or she loves.

The right kind of woman or man would never apply unnecessary pressures on his or her partner. This is because the interest and happiness of the other person comes first. Any man or woman who exhibits own interest above the feelings of the other person is bound to end up a very selfish partner, one who would never be able to identify with the pains or emotions of his or her partner.

Marriage to this kind of person would never produce the kind of happiness or empathy that binds two individuals trying to make the journey of a lifetime together. Any person you cannot identify with, lacks the capability to feel what you are feeling is best avoided because communication between the two of them would be a tough struggle.

A couple must be able to communicate effectively, because without it the marriage becomes deaf and dumb to their needs as individuals. The result, two people living in the same house professing to be married but are in the real sense of the word strangers to each other. When therefore sourcing for a partner, look for that person you can talk to as well as talk with. You must share certain common interests, be happy with each other’s company and flow in conversations whether or not it is an opened or silent form of conversation. This makes it possible for couples to grow trust, guess the reactions of their mates on all issues and proceed to defend the absent partner at all times. Communication creates the important platform of trust and loyalty in a relationship/marriage. These are the basis for a great friendship in every relationship.

From experience love isn’t what keeps a relationship alive but the quality of friendship it has from the beginning. Friendship is the cement of compatibility every relationship needs to seal the broken line, heal the cracks of unfaithfulness, water down anger and protect the relationship from external interventions. If I stand here to assure you that a relationship is a cloth that fits perfectly, I would be telling the greatest lie. It has to constantly go through the processes of adjustment, shrinking, stretching, ironing and stitching to fit every occasion or issue that comes up between the couple.

Once the couple is unable to find that element at the first and second meeting, it might not be advisable for them to go on. To ignore this salient fact is to postpone doomsday in a relationship.

At all times, the woman especially, should have a sense of complete loyalty to her man irrespective of his condition at any given time. His happiness rather than the size of his purse should be her concern at all times.

A nag isn’t the kind of person to marry no matter how attractive or successful. No matter the level of one’s patience, a nag can erode whatever attempts the other party is trying to make for the success of the union. You can always tell a nag from the way he or she reacts to situations. Whereas others would gloss over it, a nag would never tire of referring and complaining about it.

Both men and women are social animals, which means we all want to be appreciated for one thing or the other. A word of appreciation goes a long way in getting the best out of a person or situation. A person stingy with appreciation for an effort made or given should be avoided since it would take a miracle to please such a person.

Sincerity remains the major strength of every relationship. From the very beginning don’t pretend to like what you don’t like or lie to yourself about anything. Reject what you cannot cope with immediately it comes up because marriage is a journey of a lifetime. The worst thing that can happen to anyone is to lie to him or herself. It is the perfect recipe for a disastrous marriage.

Granted, marriage is a journey of the unknown, more like a wrapped gift item. However, many of the disappointments can be avoided if we do our homework very well. A good student is the one who prepares adequately for an examination. There is no time that is too early for a young man and woman wishing to make this all important examination to begin preparations.

My prayer is for every one of you here to have a happy home.

Good luck.