Dear Agatha,
I want you to give me a practical solution to this problem.
I am a man who loves his wife and has been married for four years with two lovely children. My wife scores high in most departments and I’m happy for that, but my greatest problem now is that she is too frigid and indifferent to sex.
The happy home I have now hasn’t always been so especially during our first year of marriage. But because I’m the analytical type, whenever we are having a particular problem, I have always ended up resolving our problems pragmatically through dialogue where necessary and other measures as the case may be. My determination to always succeed in everything I indulge in has made me go extra miles to insure success in my marriage. My wife has also been very good, understanding, and complementary.
However this frigidity and indifference to sex on my wife’s part has reached an extreme level and this is the greatest threat to the lovely home I enjoyed till now. Unfortunately my wife doesn’t realise the great danger to our stability her frigidity and indifference to sex portend.
Before I married my wife, I knew that she did not indulge in love-romance-sex so much. She was and is still the responsible type. Though I was worried then, but I took that as a positive attribute to her because I travel a lot, so I wanted someone whom I could trust not to mess around whenever I am away. My calculations paid off very well, as she is a good woman.
However I underestimated the extent of her indifference to sex. Or rather I assumed that I could always teach her and make her to be able to satisfy me when we get married. That was my grave mistake now. Instead of my wife to improve or learn from me who has a lot of experience due to my rather promiscuous life in the past, she has actually retrogressed. She has practically refused to learn new techniques or methods of having quality sex; in fact she no longer does even the few things she used to do before we got married. After two children, her performance has increasingly declined making me the most worried man on earth. She simply would prefer we don’t have sex unless it’s when we want to make babies. She will always tell you she is tired. When she wants it, she will just lie down flat on the bed and you do all you like and get off her. If I demand for variations, she would complain of pains. I have never gotten any encouragement from her. She thinks having two children is too cumbersome and stressful, but we agreed to have four or five children. So I wonder what shall become of me when we have all the children we plan for.
It is so bad that I find it difficult to feel any excitement when I have the urge to be with her.
Agatha, it isn’t as if we are old. I’m only in my early 30s and have been married only four years. If this woman’s total indifference to sex causes me to lose the ability to have sex even when I want it, I can’t accept it.
I love sex and my wife knew it before marrying me. I believe in moderation in everything one does, so was ready to control my sexual urges when I married her due to her nature. But I didn’t bargain for what I am getting now.
My wife is my best friend and I have discussed this issue with her over and over again. I have tried all I could to make her see reasons with me. Maybe because she knows am principled and that I cherish my lovely and peaceful home after the turbulences of the first year, she has taken it for granted that I would not want to rock the boat for something as flimsy, in her opinion, as sex.
She feels too comfortable in this marriage especially since she knows that I appreciate most of her attributes as a good wife. That is the problem.
My problem is that if nothing is done and I continue with this woman, I might forget to have any desire for my wife. I have been forced by her to go and seek satisfaction elsewhere. But I don’t want to have extra marital affairs neither do I want to mess around.
I consulted a trusted senior friend. After weighing the issue carefully he gave me three options I should choose from:
to be a born again, or even a pastor and thereby forget or think much less about sex. To get a mistress to take care of my sexual desires or get a second wife.
Unfortunately none of the three options is really the answer to my problem. Another friend told me to give my wife the impression that there is someone outside by sleeping outside the home for some nights. I have never done this since I got married. The idea is to make her come out of her comfort zone and fight for her marriage.
This option once worked when we were dating. She is very protective and once she realises she is about to lose me, she becomes desperate and ready to do anything to please me. She only relapsed when we got married. The problem with this option for me is that I have forgotten how to be irresponsible. How do I act convincingly to make her jealous and not destroy the good reputation I have built since getting married to her?
I also don’t want to get involved with a woman who would destroy my home.
Agatha, I think the last option will work for me, but don’t know how to execute it without hurting myself or my wife or family.
Please advise me on what to do. First, inform me if there is any other option I can use. But if you think my preferred option is good, please advise me on how to go about it without breaking my home.
Worried Husband.
Dear Worried Husband,
Have you considered the fact that your method of approach too may be faulty? There is no frigid woman only a bad lover. What have you done to get her out of her cupboard?
Granted some women are more responsive than others, but the fact remains that every woman needs a master lover to get her to perform at her premium best. You may have the experience, but do you have the technical know-how to get her out of her shelf without her even knowing how or when she did?
Lovemaking goes beyond the process of a man entering the woman and climaxing. It is like a book we read; study and get results from. She may be your best friend but you still don’t have a clue about her body. For both of you to exist as husband and wife, there must be a meeting of the body, spirit and soul. From what you have said so far, you don’t have the key to your wife’s treasury.
You don’t have to wait for her to be ready for you or change her ways. Chances are if you adopt that attitude, she may never come out of her present state of mind to give you the kind of satisfaction you want from her. Also, the danger of not trying is what your friends are pushing into. Having affairs outside your home would only mess so many things up for you. Even if you pretend you are having these affairs when you are not, what about the psychological damage to your wife and children?
By the time the repercussions come, it won’t look as if you were pretending to have these affairs. The problems will be real and messy.
You have made a choice of the kind of woman that appeal to you so make do with the situation by using your imagination to fight the challenge you have in your hands.
No matter how indifferent or frigid a woman is the right touch in the right place can get her screaming for more. The time for talk is not now rather it is the time for action. Have you ever tried to investigate her body? Find out where her erotic zones are? Take her down memory lane; to the first time you both made love? It may not be much a memory to you but from your own admission, it was better than what you now have.
Can you remember what you did to her back then to make her so responsive? Unfortunately many of us, as we get deeper into marriage and each other, forget the potency of the fingers. The human body is wired to be inspired by the feel of touch. With the fingers you can get to discover what her pleasure points are. Begin from the scalp of her head to the sole of her feet. Don’t leave out any point of her body; while doing this, observe her different responses to the places you have touched. You will get all the answers from the drop in her voice, the muffled moans, the twinge, stiffing and total abandonment, you get to know the areas to apply gentle touch to, put all the pressure as well as the no go areas of her body. The fact that one particular point gives the women you have been involved in excitement doesn’t make it universal. Every woman comes with her private pin code; all you have to do is to discover the combination that belongs to your wife.
There is also the need for you to continue to talk to her as frankly as possible including the reality and possibility of her pushing you into the waiting arms of another woman if she continues to rebuff your moves. You won’t gain anything by having affairs outside your home or making her think you are but you gain a lot by being brutally frank with her. By letting her know that you are very capable of playing around would make her reconsider her options.
Good luck.
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