Dear Agatha,
I want you to help me as quickly as possible because my marriage is in very serious problem. I recently found out that my husband cheated on me and the person involved is the girlfriend he left for me.
I found out by accident. He forgot his phone at home and going through his text messages, I chanced on this one written by his ex-girlfriend expressing regret at what happened between them.
She begged my husband to forgive what happened and promised it would never happen again.
I know she is married so I don’t know what could have happened to make them do what they did.
Naturally, I was very hurt because when my husband came in, I challenged him with the evidence of the text I had read. Before then, I had called the woman to give her the tongue lashing of her life. I called her unprintable names.
In fairness to her she simply told me sorry and hung up. She must have switched off her phone because I couldn’t get through to her again.
This increased my anger and believe me if I had her husband’s number, I would have called him to tell him what happened between his wife and my husband. At least her home too would have been on fire like mine. Instead, I waited for my husband.
He didn’t say anything beyond apologising for the mess. He explained that none of them planned for what happened. That she came to explain the problems she was having with her man and while she was crying, he took her into his arms to console her and that was when the unexpected happened.
When I told my parents what happened, my father pleaded with me to forgive him that the reason he gave is genuine and that it happens to even the most responsible men.
Agatha, to be sincere I don’t know what to do. I have refused to allow him near me.
The other woman too has come to my office to apologise. Even though I disgraced her the first time, it didn’t stop her from coming the second time.
Even if I want to forgive him, how do I do that? How do I get the other woman too to suffer what I am going through in my home? I feel she has no right to keep the peace of her home while mine is on fire.
It is so difficult not to hurt her back the way I am hurting inside. Please help save my marriage.
Alicia.
Dear Alicia,
Your marriage is intact and would remain so if you are matured enough to let go. Life isn’t always one-plus-one equals two.
In most cases, the additions we get from life simply don’t add up, refuse to follow all known mathematical formulas.
In the first place what is marriage? What does it mean to you? When you were marrying this man, what dreams did you have? Why did you choose him above all the men who came to you? What makes him different? Can you remember? What are those extra special things he has that you know you cannot live without?
These are the things you must remember now that you are going through so much pain at what he did.
I appreciate the extent of your hurt and emotional betrayal but when you add up all you have going for you as a couple, you will realise that your marriage is worth fighting for.
There is no marriage that doesn’t have its high and low moments. At least your husband showed remorse; unlike the experience of a whole lot of other women whose husbands would dare them to do their worst.
That he is begging you and not querying you for going through his phone is an admission he didn’t mean to hurt you.
Unpardonable as what he did is, certain situations just happen without it being premeditated. From what he has explained and the text of the woman, the affair wasn’t planned.
It happened without any one of them planning for it to occur. Temptations come in different forms. Some we can avoid, others simply happen from the blues without any warning or premonition.
What happened between them is a classic case of temptation without any notice.
The mind took advantage of their former relationship and closeness. At the point he took her into his arms, he simply wanted to reach out to a friend, one who was suffering and needed comforting. At that point neither of them knew that it would lead them into committing adultery.
She too didn’t intend it to happen. She came to the only person she knew had the ability to make her forget her pains; an obvious testimony of the type of relationship they both had. When two people part amicably, they remain the best of friends. Because they had both been in a situation where each offered the other comfort, love and support in trying times. It wasn’t out of place for him to take her into his arms to comfort her.
He did it out of a deep need to comfort a friend. He cannot be blamed for trying to ease the pains of a friend. Truthfully, both of them might not be able to explain how they got to the point of making love and may not have known what was happening until it was too late.
This is because of the familiarity of the positions. At one point in their lives, these hearts beat as one, were free to explore and give to each other without restrictions. At the point he took her into his arms, the past replaced the present; their bodies remembered what it was like; their hearts received with joy the familiarity of their love blocking reason from interfering.
Without contesting it, this is no excuse. However, maturity and a deep understanding of the dynamism of the human body and minds would help you comprehend what happened between the two.
From the extent the other woman is going to placate you, it is obvious she didn’t meant it to happen. What would you gain by telling her husband? Isn’t the guilt of knowing she broke her own vows effortlessly, causing your home pains more than enough for her to cope with? Nothing you do or say would compare to the burden of her guilt. Don’t also lose sight of the fact that a problem she is having with her man brought her to your husband in the first place.
What happened between them is innocent but if you insist on punishing her and telling her husband, you may be setting the stage for the break-up of your marriage and their come back as a couple.
Listen to your father and allow bygones be. A terrible mistake has been made. Don’t complicate things further for you and everyone else. Learn to forgive them so you don’t end up being bitter and resentful of every good thing happening around you.
Ask for the wisdom and tolerance of God to overcome this period of your marriage. Forgiving them would make you the heroine in this saga. It would make your husband more determined not to hurt you again and that woman an ally later.
The happily ever after in marriages comes from the sacrifices we are ready to make for it during a storm like this one.
With the right attitude and a firm faith in God, you will overcome it and come out stronger and better.
Forgive them and give your husband the chance to make it up to you. To be frank, extra marital affairs are best tackled on one’s knees not by fighting.
Good luck.
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