Dear Agatha,
I lost my first wife eight years ago to childbirth and since then I have struggled with the help of my late mother to raise our only child. She actually died precisely a year after our wedding.
It was devastating because she and I dated for close to six years before we finally decided to get married.
The pain of losing her at first made me reject the child until my mother’s death forced me to take the child. At the time my mother died three years ago, I had gotten over the death of my wife considerably and could afford to have my daughter around me. Although she still looked like her mother but the memories were getting more positive and not those dreadful pains of those early dark days.
Since bringing her to stay with me, the task of looking after her has taken so much of my time and frankly I cannot enforce the discipline she needs at this stage of her life to remain the good girl my mother brought her up to be. My only sister, who would have taken her in lives in Australia with her family.
Last year, I had to reconsider my stance on not marrying again. I remarried only to discover that she is a mean woman, who starves my daughter and makes her do all the housework when I am out.
Although my neighbours are all aware of what is going on in my house, nobody including my daughter, told me anything.
I only got to know when I came back from a trip to Ghana unexpectedly to discover my daughter didn’t go to school, hadn’t eaten because she had chores to do. My wife who had gone to work left clothes she was to have taken to the dry cleaners for my daughter to wash including bed-sheets and curtains.
My outrage forced my neighbours and my daughter to open up to me. For the five days I was away, she hadn’t gone to school and my wife warned my daughter it would be the end of her if I ever found out what was happening during my absence.
When she came back and met me at home; she was shocked and began to cry for forgiveness claiming my love for my daughter and the memories of late wife is why she is punishing the girl.
She says she is jealous of my daughter and wants her to fail in her studies.
My fear now is she is capable of hurting the child if I am not around to protect this girl. Although she promised to change, what I witnessed and found out shows she is capable of doing anything.
Beyond her attitude is the realisation that I made a serious mistake marrying her. We don’t have anything in common. I married her under native laws and customs two months after I met her due to all the pressures around me.
What do you suggest I do because I simply cannot continue to live with her again?
Please help me.
Delaja.
Dear Delaja,
For the time being there may be the need for you to look for a school with good boarding facility for your daughter. There is no way she can grow healthily under the current conditions she finds herself.
Even if your wife sticks to her promise to change, there is the issue of the physiological that has been created by her careless handling of your daughter. She has murdered trust by her wickedness to this innocent mind. It will take almost forever for her to undo the harm she has done to this child. Don’t forget your daughter’s heart is still tender and fragile. Not having you in her early life, not understanding why she doesn’t have a mother like all the other children, just coming to accept that her mother died giving birth to her and will never be available to her, losing the warmth of her grandmother and the only mother she knows are enough daunting challenges for someone so young.
To add a wicked stepmother is more than this young girl can manage. Sending her to a boarding school may not be the best choice but under these circumstances, it is better. She has to be free to discover who she is, free to find the warmth of trusting friends in addition to freedom to be herself.
This is a very delicate stage for her, a stage in which she has to build her self-confidence, begin the process of building her dreams and finding her rhythm in life. She needs the freedom to be happy in an atmosphere that is enveloped in love and tender care.
There are very good boarding houses. It may not satisfy you absolutely at least you and your child will have the peace of mind knowing she is in good hands. This is until you and your wife are able to sort out your personal issues.
Doubtless, her absence will give your wife the much needed room to establish herself in your home without the constant reminder that she is being used to care for another woman’s child or that you don’t love her at all.
While not justifying her attitude, some of them may have been brought about by your own attitude towards her. Since coming into your life, what assurances have you given her that you intend this marriage to work and she is not just a piece of furniture in your life?
Jealousy is a dreadful feeling. It could turn an otherwise good-natured person into something else, especially a woman who craves the attention of her husband but isn’t getting it. It could be very frustrating and discouraging. This is why she may be taking it out on your daughter knowing that it is the only way she could hurt you as much as your indifference to her is hurting her.
It is imperative both of you sit down to discuss. Divorce is usually not the first option but the last and that is when everything else fails. Granted, she has made a mistake but if she says she is sorry, let the matter rest and give her the chance to demonstrate what she has said.
Like I said, jealousy can bring out the beast in even an angel if the person isn’t strong enough to resist it. Use the opportunity provided by the absence of your daughter to properly woo her as a woman. Get to know her and give her the opportunity to know you too. Let her understand beyond looking for a mother figure for your daughter, you also desire a wife, sister, partner and above all your best friend. Begin the courtship you both didn’t have now by taking her to places you would have loved to visit with a woman you are dating. Romance is the cure for jealousy and depression. Once she has the confidence in your love, is secured in your heart, she would have the space to extend part of it to your daughter. For now she doesn’t have love in her own life hence lacks anything to give to your daughter. Something comes from something.
Develop the patience as well as understanding for her to make her mistakes as a human being; one which she has already made and also learn to forgive her.
The danger of not allowing this incident die a natural death is the danger it would present to your daughter later in life especially when she starts having children of her own. It is very easy for her to pass on the poison of hatred to her own children; your daughter being the only one will never be able to enjoy the love and warmth of her father and home like she would have loved to.
Whereas, if you allow this woman forget her mistake, she will find it in her heart someday to embrace your daughter without any trace of jealousy or bitterness.
You can only talk about divorce if she refuses to change and continues to treat your daughter terribly.
Above all, both of you should develop a strong prayer life because a home where God rules doesn’t suffer hatred or jealousies.
Good luck.
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