My parents don’t like her

Dear Agatha, I am 25 years old in a serious relationship with a 23 year old lady. I really love this girl but the problem is that my parents don’t want to see this girl. Please help me out. Confused Solomon Dear confused Solomon, What an elder sees from the bottom of the stair case, a child even at the roof top cannot see. Granted in some cases, parents, especially women, add so many things up to pass judgment on their prospective daughters-in-law; it is only wise you ask your parents why they are against her. They may have observed certain things concealed in her character that are oblivious to you. It is only when you ask questions that you get proper directions. Walk up to your parents to ask why they are against her. Listen with your head and not your heart because a heart in love is blind and deaf to reasons other than the one it seeks. Be objective. Scrutinize everything they have to say before making your conclusions. Because we are all not created with the same qualities, her flaws maybe the strength you need to succeed. If your parents’ are not tenable, don’t push them away; tell them you have heard while you further probe whatever they have said. In all these, belief in your dreams and hold on to them always, come rain, come storm. That is the only way to be happy. Listen to your parents but if you are sure of your love for this lady, market her to them, do everything in your power to convince them that she is the one meant for you and that it doesn’t matter to you if marrying her holds more challenges for you than any other woman. Don’t forget the test of a true man is his ability to hold on to his dreams and confront head long challenges. The infallible nature of man makes it imperative for him to be more tolerant of the imperfection in another person. Good luck.

He desires me to always take the lead

Dear Agatha, I’ve noticed a certain kind of behavior in my boyfriend that I don’t understand at all. If I ask him about it, he gives excuses. The thing is that we both agreed to wait until our wedding night but we still indulge in a little romancing every now and then. My problem with it is that whenever we are kissing, he often asks me to be on top. Granted, he’s a foot taller than I am and bigger than me, does that mean he can’t stay on top of me? He respects me a lot. Whenever we are kissing and my bra strap slips, he puts it back without fondling my breasts. Can you explain why he doesn’t like to be the dominant one? Puzzled Girl. Dear Puzzled Girl, We all come with different ways of performing the same task. Since you are both determined to go to your marital bed unsoiled, this is his way of ensuring he doesn’t go against the vows you both made not to sleep with each other until your wedding night. Asking you to be on top when you both indulge in your little romance is giving you absolute control of the situation. When a woman is astride a man, she can control the pace and everything that comes with being intimate with a man. What your boyfriend is doing is to give you the chance to back out of any situation once you are no longer comfortable with it. Nature has designed the woman to accommodate and bear the weight of any man when it comes to the issue of lovemaking. Even if he is giant, and you a dwarf, when it comes to intimacy, you will still be able to carry his weight beautifully well. So it has nothing to do with whether he is taller or bigger than you. It’s like being pregnant. No matter the weight of the child, the womb will always find ways of accommodating the foetus. That is the way Mother Nature has designed the ability and strength of the woman. But your man is only being considerate of your feelings and wishes. He is aware, if he takes absolute command, he may not be able to control the outcome of your intimacy. Men by nature get easily stimulated and once fully charged may find himself going beyond the limits you have set. Being on top of you, gives him the unrestricted advantage of smooth entrance even before you know what is happening. But if you are on top, without you moving to give him the advantage of entry, it would be difficult for him to gain access. Therefore, rather than pick a fight with him over this, applaud him for his devotion to you. Frankly, not many men would be that considerate for the feelings and decision of the woman in their lives. That he is willing to help you keep a promise you made is commendable. For some women having a man on top of them is enough to make them go out of control. Learn to trust in his judgment. He means well for both of you. Good luck. -To share your problem with Auntie Agatha, send and email to gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

He wants me to abort this pregnancy again

Dear Agatha. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost seven years and have aborted so many pregnancies for him. He traveled out of the country last year, came back this year and almost immediately I got pregnant again. To my pains, when I informed him about the development, he asked me to go and terminate the pregnancy again. I declined and informed his parents as well as mine about my state. They all warned me not to tamper with the pregnancy. The issue is, my so called boyfriend is not considerate at all. He and I know the number of pregnancies I have terminated on his instruction. He is insisting I remove this one or face being maltreated by him. Secondly, we have been thinking of renting an apartment for me but whenever we see any, he will disqualify it by saying he doesn’t have much money on him whereas he has money to spend on buying drinks for his friends. What baffles me is that he likes to spend on his friends and family members but finds it difficult to spend on himself or on anything that will benefit both of us. Once it comes to spending on himself or me, he will begin to complain of lack of money. He is also fond of beating me up at the slightest excuse, cursing and calling me all sorts of names. His parents keep urging me to be patient. I am six weeks gone and he is still insisting he won’t pay rent on any apartment for me. He says if I cannot stay in the family house, I should go and stay with my parents. He doesn’t care about me or the baby I’m carrying for him. I am seriously thinking of having an abortion and ending the relationship because I cannot see him settling down into any marriage. All he wants, is to spend lavishly on his friends and drinks. He is fond of abusing me and my family members. I don’t think I can cope with his attitude any longer. In fairness he has done so much for me but for him and God I wouldn’t be where I am today. I don’t want to disgrace my family. Please help me. Nifemi. Dear Nifemi, There are too many complications in your life now. The best thing is to tackle them one at a time. The most important thing in all these is, that baby you are carrying inside of you. It is high time you gave a thought to it. Whether you and your man are having it rough or not, it is immaterial now; what is, is the kind of life you plan for this baby and you. It is obvious from all indices that your man isn’t ready to be responsible for you and this child so the onus is on you to map a kind of life for the baby. Besides, you need to protect your child from all the violence between you and your man. To do this right, you must be ready to be dispassionate about so many things including the kind of feelings you have for the father. If you want a good life for this child, one that will erase all the pains you are suffering now or the shame of having to take charge of the child alone, you must learn to be strong. And it begins now, from you deleting the thoughts of aborting this pregnancy from your mind. Be resolute that this child must live to become your compensation for all the pains of aborting all the previous pregnancies as well as for the mess your relationship with the father has become. Even though you have more of the blame by refusing to protect yourself against unwanted pregnancies after he insisted you abort the first one, it isn’t too late to make the necessary amendments. For all you know, this may be your last pregnancy in life. As it stands, he doesn’t have anything to lose because by the time he is ready to settle down, he can get any woman to have children for him. But should you go for this abortion as you are now contemplating and anything happens to you, you will be the one living with the regrets and consequences for life. Sometimes, it isn’t the visible things that go wrong that bring the headache. It is those inexplicable things that prevent a woman from getting pregnant; the kinds of humiliating tests and different concoctions she is made to drink coupled with the killing thoughts that she could be paying for the different abortions she did. Ask those women who are looking for children and you will know how lucky you are to be pregnant after the number of abortions you have had. If for nothing else, consider the special grace God has given you to be a mother and make the decision to keep this child irrespective of the behavior of the man who helped in its conception. Make your peace with God by resisting the urge to trash everything that reminds you of the seven years you spent with him. Your being pregnant is a grace God has given you; don’t abuse it after fighting so hard to keep it. The fact that his parents know about the pregnancy should be enough for you now. If they are serious, let them help you get a place to stay but, if they are not, plead with your parents to let you stay with them until the baby is born and you are able to find stand on your feet again. It isn’t as if you cannot point out the father of the child; just that he isn’t responsible enough to live up to his responsibilities as a man and father. So the issue of disgrace doesn’t arise at all. There is no relationship without failed expectations. It is better to outlive a bad relationship than to be killed in it. There are no garlands for dying in a bad relationship. You will only be labeled a foolish woman if you insist on staying in an abusive relationship. End everything that has to do with him. He is misbehaving because he thinks you cannot live without him. Show him that like everywoman, you are blessed with an extra strength to survive. It is just a matter of developing your default programming to make this work for you. Make this child yours; invest love, kindness, strength into him or her. But, there is something wrong with your boyfriend; something that goes deep into his past. There is nothing you can do but to pray for him because it goes beyond him. He doesn’t even know there is something wrong with him; determined on destroying him which is why he cannot spend his money on himself or anything that will benefit him. Because he is the father of your unborn baby, he needs your prayer to protect your child from whatever curse is upon him. This is important for your well being later in life. His parents cannot be happy at the kind of life he is living and would definitely have been happier if things were more settled with him. So insure your child by praying for the father. In all these you too must accept your faults and learn from them. That baby apart from being your special gift will always remind you of the pains and prize a woman pays for not planning her life. Life is about learning from our numerous mistakes. Once you are able to refocus, you will come out of this situation smelling roses. Just trust God by giving Him the chance to do what He has started through this child you are carrying inside of you. Good luck.

My wife has uterine fibroid

Dear Agatha, What are the causes of uterine fibroids and how common are they? I am bothered because my wife has it. Lanre. Dear Lanre, None of the researches I made could say exactly why women develop these tumours. However, the different searches agree that genetic abnormalities, alterations in growth expression, like proteins formed in the body that direct the rate and extent of cell proliferation, abnormalities in the vascular-blood vessel system, and tissue response to injury have all been suggested to play a role in the development of fibroids. In their opinion, family history is a key factor, since there is often a history of fibroids developing in women of the same family just as race appears to play a role. Women of African descent are two to three times more likely to develop fibroids than women of other races. Women of African ancestry also develop fibroids at a younger age and may have symptoms from fibroids in their 20s, in contrast to Caucasian women with fibroids, in whom symptoms typically occur during the 30s and 40s. Pregnancy and use of oral contraceptives both decrease the likelihood that fibroids will develop. Thankfully, fibroids have not been observed in girls who have not reached puberty, but adolescent girls may rarely develop fibroids. Other factors that researchers have associated with an increased risk of developing fibroids include having the first menstrual period (menarche) prior to age 10, consumption of alcohol (particularly beer), uterine infections, and elevated blood pressure (hypertension). Oestrogen tends to stimulate the growth of fibroids in many cases. During the first trimester of pregnancy, up to 30 per cent of fibroids will enlarge and then shrink after the birth. In general, fibroids tend to shrink after menopause, but post-menopausal hormone therapy may cause symptoms to persist. Overall, these tumours are fairly common and occur in up to 50 per cent of all women. Most of the time, uterine fibroids do not cause symptoms or problems, and a woman with a fibroid is usually unaware of its presence. Uterine fibroids are benign tumours that originate in the uterus. It is best you seek professional help in the treatment and management of the condition. Good luck.

Can I trust him with my life?

Dear Agatha, I am a 27 year old lady. My boyfriend is four years older than I am. Our relationship is four years old; we started when we were both in school. I graduated before him and got a job. Though he has graduated too but he is yet to secure a job. We have both been faithful to each other. Being a virgin, he wants me to keep it until our wedding night. We are planning to get married this year; the moment he gets a job. He is really working hard to get one. I help out by searching for all job vacancies and sending the websites to him. I also want to help him financially but he is not the type to ask for or even take money from me. Recently, someone promised him a job and we were very happy but all of a sudden his attitude changed in one day. I called him to tell him about a proposal a friend of mine offered having agreed to travel abroad after our wedding ceremony. I want to further my education there. To my pains, he didn’t appear to buy into the proposal. He said I should concentrate on us getting married first as combining marriage and going abroad would be too much for us to handle. I wanted us to begin the process this year as it would take a year to complete all formalities. He got angry and told me I was free to travel, if that is what I really wanted. Baffled by his attitude, I asked him a simple question of whether he wanted us to travel or not. All I wanted was a simple yes or no. That was how the problem started. We argued about it until he cut off the phone with the promise of calling me when my head cooled of. He called back in the night as promised. He said I didn’t consider where he was when I was asking him the question. He said so many things; that I didn’t have the right to ask him such questions being a woman. He also accused me of not showing him enough respect by that question. I said if he wants me begin to fear him then so be it. He has been my best friend for years and we talk freely with each other, we talk every day as many times as possible as we live in different states but since that night he has not called me again except to reply to a job advert I sent him. I haven’t called him either because I don’t know if he will be in the right place and situation to answer. I find the situation funny because all these years I have always called him anytime. It is also surprising to hear I don’t care about the effect of the burning sun on him when I called to ask him the stupid question. In his reply to the advert mail I sent him, he said I should stop all the sirs I use in my mails to him now and apply wisdom. Please Agatha, help me, I don’t know what he wants any more. Is he just acting like a man, if he is, does it mean that he will showcase his manhood like that even in marriage? I am kind of afraid because I don’t want to marry someone who will keep acting “I’m the man while you are the woman. You must do as I say and act how I want you to.” I have even told him about this fear before now. The whole thing is eating me up, but I try not o betray it. I also noticed he complained last week about his last trip, how he suffered so much and all that. He complains often and I wonder if I’m missing out something. He said he desires to settle down so badly and I don’t doubt if he loves me. Please tell me if I’m wrong. I want to be a better wife so wouldn’t mind if you tell me my faults. Beauty. Dear Beauty, There is a world of difference between dreams and reality. In the real world, there is no such thing as equal rights in marriage. Someone has to be the leader while the other has to follow, be a helpmate as was designed by God. The confusion we are today witnessing in the marriage institution has its root in the refusal and inability of the modern woman to appreciate that, two captains cannot be on a ship. For sanity and order to prevail, only one person can be in charge. God in all His wisdom has bestowed the leadership of the home on the man. No matter who and what a woman is, for peace to be in her home, she must submit to the man whose ego has been wired by the creator to be massaged by the woman. This is the first lesson you have to learn to accept if you want to be happy in a marriage. Your boyfriend isn’t the only man that acts this way; all men come with the same device. Secondly, you may have all the good intentions but you are going about them in the wrong ways. How can you suggest to a man who has no job to travel abroad? With what money? Your money? Besides, his argument is valid. These are two major things you cannot combine. As his woman and friend, you should have discussed it with him first before making up your mind and his’ for him. Don’t forget, this is the same man refusing to accept financial assistance from you. This man loves you but wants to be in charge. Other men would have used the opportunity of their lack of job to fleece you of your money but this man would rather endure the hardship of struggling to make ends meet. This you must always respect and appreciate in him. Try putting yourself in his shoes especially in the condition your call met him. Imagine the frustration of being in a sun, searching for a job, seeing people who perhaps aren’t as educated as you in air-conditioned cars, thinking of where the means to sustain yourself through that day would come from and receiving a call from him about going abroad? There is no way you wouldn’t react the way he did. He is a man for crying out loud. You both are still unable to get married because he lacks the means to; so many things you both plan to do are being suspended because of lack of finance. How can you expect him to jump in joy at your news? All the things he is passing through is enough to make a very sane man become frustrated. Unlike him, things have been easy for you. You left school before him and got employed almost immediately despite being four years his junior. There is no way a right thinking man would jump in joy at your offer. His reaction is very normal. And if you are serious about being a good wife, you must learn to time your news as well as think them out thoroughly before presenting them to him. Going abroad isn’t the important thing for now. It is helping him become the responsible man he wants to be. A good woman prays for her husband/man. add prayers to all you have been doing for him to get a job. He may not be cut out for a job. Only prayers can lead both of you to the right path God has designed for him. When you can take some time off to go and make things up with your man. Addressing him in formal tones isn’t the panacea to the situation on ground. You have to be learn to be loving and understanding as his woman and friend. Don’t allow the pride in you stop you from playing the role of the woman and friend he needs in this wilderness of frustration he is passing through. Send him a mail, reminding him of your love for him because this is what he needs now more than anything else in the world. His own woman; to love and cherish him. Deep down, he too has his fears concerning your ability to wait until he gets a job hence his struggle and irritations. Be wise and stop reading between the lines. His anger is not at you but against the circumstances that have made it impossible for him to get a job after graduating from school. Go to him and be the friend he needs now instead of being obstinate. Show him love and apologise for your misunderstanding of his feelings. Use the opportunity to discuss other options he could consider instead of concentrating all this energy on looking for an elusive job. But before going, have a mental idea of the kind of things he can do, do your own visibility study, have an idea of the kind of capital involved as well as viability. It will help you to convince him. Let him go away with the impression it is an interim thing until he is able to secure a job. Since he won’t accept money from you directly, discuss with a friend of his to offer him the money to begin the business of his choice with. Sincerely, you have to master the politics of massaging his ego. As long as a woman is submissive and respectful, she can always get her man to do her bidding. Good luck. To share a problem with Auntie Agatha, email gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com or Tel: 08054500626