With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, Agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel. 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
May God continue to bless and increase you in wisdom for the wonderful work you are doing. I am a lady of 23 years of age and currently in a relationship of seven years old. The problem over which I need your help started five years ago when I discovered that my boyfriend was suffering from premature ejaculation. Being young and naive I thought I was the cause of the problem. Naturally, I was worried so I decided to embark on a journey of truth. This led me to sleep with two other men. After knowing that the fault wasn’t mine, I was disturbed because of my love for him. Although the problem still persists, we are managing it. However, my worry now is that my boyfriend vowed sometime ago while we were discussing never to marry a woman he knows another man has slept with no matter how much he loved the person. Should I tell him the truth and lose him or I should keep the secret to myself? Your prompt response to this would be greatly appreciated. Concerned Lady. Dear Concerned Lady, I decided to pair your letter up with this other letter to give you the benefit of more information of the issues involved in your letter. Sleeping with other men for verification of who has the problem in your relationship wasn’t wise. Being young and naïve isn’t an excuse to be unfaithful to your man and relationship. If you hadn’t pre-empted sex would you have gone out of your matrimonial home to verify through sleeping with other men if the fault was yours or not? The oath to stay faithful begins from the very first moments a couple agrees to become one. A cheating girlfriend or boyfriend cannot be trusted to be faithful within the bonds of marriage. What you should have done is to call his attention to the problem as well as your dissatisfaction with his sexual performance. I guess your fear was and still is confronting him with evidence of your sexual dissatisfaction. You don’t want to have to answer questions of where you got the knowledge or experience that he is having the problem of premature ejaculation. You want to present yourself as a good girl who is contended when in actual fact you are suffering from lack of sexual satisfaction. As long as you insist on presenting yourself as demure and contended with the quality of your sex life, the more the danger of you going out to have fun and the greater the risk of you being caught by him through either carelessness or contact of any of the Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). There is no stopping a woman who isn’t getting the quality of sex she desires from going out. No matter how much you try to ignore it, given the fact that you have already strayed, a time would come when you would simply throw in the towel on account of sexual frustrations. So to insure your relationship with this man, that is if you are really serious about marrying him, is to tell him the truth about your sexual frustrations. No matter what it would eventually cost you, point him at his area of weakness. Let him know precisely what you feel each time he ejaculates before you are ready. If he were matured, he would know that your feelings of frustration don’t have to come from experimenting outside him but a natural feeling every sexually active person knows instinctively. Sexual satisfaction is like food. You don’t need a third party to tell you when you want more or are satisfied. If you were more matured, you would have known going outside your relationship to find an answer in the beds of other men wasn’t necessary. Search your mind to know if to tell him the truth or not. But be reminded that nothing is ever hidden. He may come to know the truth eventually by which time it would be very impossible to get him to listen to you. No matter how painful the consequences of telling the truth are, there is no alternative to it. Not only does telling the truth confer respect, it offers compassion where condemnation should have been applied. Still the choice to tell him what the attendant problems laced into his inability to satisfy you in bed is yours. As his woman, you have a role to play in helping him gain control of his body. Begin by asking him what the issues are. Is it that he is always excited getting into bed with you? Is he experiencing some pressures from his family, work or business? What pressures are you putting him through? Since the problem started two years after you started dating him, it means the problem began in the relationship. If both of you have committed your time and emotions to other areas of the relationship beyond sex, discussing this problem and finding a workable solution would not be difficult. He must trust you to open up and you must have the commitment and compassion to help him without damaging his ego as a man. To enhance your understanding of all the issues involved, arm yourself with information on the subject by going to the internet to read about it or books that discuss it. The first impression you must erase is whether it is a disease. It isn’t. With your help, a deep sense of adventure and willingness to experiment with certain positions, he would overcome it. However for the solution to be permanent, you in particular must be convinced of the need to be loyal at all times because any betrayal on your part could aggravate the situation.
Good luck.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
She plays around
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, Agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel. 08054500626
Dear Agatha
I am a regular reader of your column; please I need you advice before I stray. I have a girl who I love so much. The problem I have with her is that she is always demanding money from me and I lately realise that she is going out with different guys. Please help me out. Ibrahim. Dear Ibrahim, Unless you are prepared to overlook these excesses of hers and you have the inner strength to cope with the knowledge of her unfaithfulness, have the shock absorbers to condone other men claiming rights to your girlfriend’s time and emotions, it is best you terminate the relationship. This is the instance in which love isn’t enough criterion to sustain a relationship. A lot of responsibilities go with being in love, the importance being respect and loyalty to one’s partner. If she doesn’t think you are important enough for her to remain faithful to, of what essence is then the relationship? But before you make up your mind about her, what real evidences do you have to back up your claim of her unfaithfulness? Is it because she is always demanding money from you that made you come to that conclusion or her behaviour towards you? Whatever, be sure your findings are right and one of the ways you can effectively confirm it is to confront her with the allegations or evidences. No matter how damning your reasons are give her the benefit of doubt by allowing her to defend herself against your accusations. Listening to her can’t change a thing if you are determined to let go of the relationship, but it would help you know that you are doing the right thing as well as prevent the attendant regrets that come later in life over certain decisions considered too hasty and harsh at the time they were taken. Life is a very complex web. Sometimes, what appears such a beautiful pattern, often time turns out not to be with experiences and the benefit of age. What is your limit for the love you have for her? Is it endless and unconditional? Think deeply. If your mind was made up and you very sure of your facts, you won’t be asking for advice. If she is really a woman you cannot trust, don’t hesitate to end it now to protect yourself and family from ridicule but if your mind tells you there is nothing to fear and that all the so-called evidences against her are nothing at the end of the day, stand by her but ensure you do not encourage her ways by obliging her every demand, which may even be the reason she is looking else where. Insatiable taste breeds greed and promiscuity. If you love her and willing to stay on, this is an area you have to help her refine for the better. Good luck
Dear Agatha
I am a regular reader of your column; please I need you advice before I stray. I have a girl who I love so much. The problem I have with her is that she is always demanding money from me and I lately realise that she is going out with different guys. Please help me out. Ibrahim. Dear Ibrahim, Unless you are prepared to overlook these excesses of hers and you have the inner strength to cope with the knowledge of her unfaithfulness, have the shock absorbers to condone other men claiming rights to your girlfriend’s time and emotions, it is best you terminate the relationship. This is the instance in which love isn’t enough criterion to sustain a relationship. A lot of responsibilities go with being in love, the importance being respect and loyalty to one’s partner. If she doesn’t think you are important enough for her to remain faithful to, of what essence is then the relationship? But before you make up your mind about her, what real evidences do you have to back up your claim of her unfaithfulness? Is it because she is always demanding money from you that made you come to that conclusion or her behaviour towards you? Whatever, be sure your findings are right and one of the ways you can effectively confirm it is to confront her with the allegations or evidences. No matter how damning your reasons are give her the benefit of doubt by allowing her to defend herself against your accusations. Listening to her can’t change a thing if you are determined to let go of the relationship, but it would help you know that you are doing the right thing as well as prevent the attendant regrets that come later in life over certain decisions considered too hasty and harsh at the time they were taken. Life is a very complex web. Sometimes, what appears such a beautiful pattern, often time turns out not to be with experiences and the benefit of age. What is your limit for the love you have for her? Is it endless and unconditional? Think deeply. If your mind was made up and you very sure of your facts, you won’t be asking for advice. If she is really a woman you cannot trust, don’t hesitate to end it now to protect yourself and family from ridicule but if your mind tells you there is nothing to fear and that all the so-called evidences against her are nothing at the end of the day, stand by her but ensure you do not encourage her ways by obliging her every demand, which may even be the reason she is looking else where. Insatiable taste breeds greed and promiscuity. If you love her and willing to stay on, this is an area you have to help her refine for the better. Good luck
Hard to know girl who is in love
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, Agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel. 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please, I want you to help me with this problem that has being bothering me. I am a boy of 17 years of age. The problem is that I don’t know what love is or how to love a girl, what to do to please her or know when a woman is in love with me. I had this girl who is my friend, I am always with and willing to do anything for. When I made my intentions known to her, she became aggressive. I truly love and I want her. Worried Teenager. Dear Worried Teenager, At 17, you still have a long way to go. It is the way of women to be difficult at this stage and the way of men to be patient. Love isn’t something we plan for, but something that happens out of the blues. When it happens, you don’t need anybody to tell you what you are feeling. Love is special and doesn’t give peace to the one who feels until it expresses itself to the one it feels for. Between the time you begin to have emotions for women and the time you really find true love you will experience all kinds of feelings. Some are deep, almost akin to what true love is, but the real thing is laced with compassion, friendship, support, understanding and loyalty. Unlike the lust and sexual passions inherent in other kinds of romantic feelings, true love has the strength of being patient. A man in love with a woman would never pressure her into doing what she doesn’t want to do just as a woman in love with a man would be willing to do anything to make him happy. If you are willing to be patient with a woman you have feelings for, it means you are in love with her. The question is: are you willing to allow this girl be until she is ready for you? Are you interested in her because you want her body or that you are interested in her person? You show love to a woman by giving her respect and the right of choice over her body. For now, be the friend she needs. If you are 17, it means she is younger than you. Both of you are still too young to bother yourselves with the challenge of falling in and managing love. For now, build friendship and nothing more. Enough time for you to learn about the dynamism that is a woman.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please, I want you to help me with this problem that has being bothering me. I am a boy of 17 years of age. The problem is that I don’t know what love is or how to love a girl, what to do to please her or know when a woman is in love with me. I had this girl who is my friend, I am always with and willing to do anything for. When I made my intentions known to her, she became aggressive. I truly love and I want her. Worried Teenager. Dear Worried Teenager, At 17, you still have a long way to go. It is the way of women to be difficult at this stage and the way of men to be patient. Love isn’t something we plan for, but something that happens out of the blues. When it happens, you don’t need anybody to tell you what you are feeling. Love is special and doesn’t give peace to the one who feels until it expresses itself to the one it feels for. Between the time you begin to have emotions for women and the time you really find true love you will experience all kinds of feelings. Some are deep, almost akin to what true love is, but the real thing is laced with compassion, friendship, support, understanding and loyalty. Unlike the lust and sexual passions inherent in other kinds of romantic feelings, true love has the strength of being patient. A man in love with a woman would never pressure her into doing what she doesn’t want to do just as a woman in love with a man would be willing to do anything to make him happy. If you are willing to be patient with a woman you have feelings for, it means you are in love with her. The question is: are you willing to allow this girl be until she is ready for you? Are you interested in her because you want her body or that you are interested in her person? You show love to a woman by giving her respect and the right of choice over her body. For now, be the friend she needs. If you are 17, it means she is younger than you. Both of you are still too young to bother yourselves with the challenge of falling in and managing love. For now, build friendship and nothing more. Enough time for you to learn about the dynamism that is a woman.
Good luck.
He cheats on me habitually
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, Agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel. 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
How do I treat my husband whom I believe is cheating on me even though he has not for once accepted that he is cheating on me? Please help. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Perish the thoughts that he would admit to an affair. No man would ever tell his wife he is having an extramarital affair. He will continue to deny it unless you catch him red-handed or he has the bad-luck of the other woman getting pregnant. So asking him is an exercise in futility. Also, the quickest way of losing your husband to the other woman is to make things difficult for him at home. A man looking for an excuse to go outside his home for fun would only be too willing to use his wife’s hostility to underscore his reason for finding peace in the arms of another woman. Since you think he is already into an extra-marital relationship, your best attitude should be that of a loving and supportive wife. You must give him a reason to always want to come back home and not to run away from you. Remember something made him go into that relationship in the first place and since you don’t know precisely what it is, remain calm and pretend you don’t even know he is romancing another woman. The essence of this is to help you achieve that equilibrium that would give you the kind of peace to win him back into your arms and bed. And one of such ways is to begin by examining yourself. Granted men are born polygamists and some actually don’t need any reason to begin an affair, the truth however remains that most of the time, women give them reasons to look outside their homes for those extra bits. Even though many women are improving on their looks, there is still a lot to be said when it comes to attitude and disposition to matters concerning their homes and husbands. Gradually, women, no thanks to good education and exposure, are becoming arrogant at home. The average man, no matter his position, wants a woman who will allow him play the lead role at home. This is the way God has structured the average man to behave. Therefore, anything or situation that threatens this God given sovereignty is seen by him as an affront, hence his constant need to find a woman who will always massage this ego. Have you at anytime given him reason to think you are trying to challenge him? Many a time those little things we ignore or take for granted are the very things that become huge problems for us in our marriages. What has he consistently complained about in your marriage and with your person? What has been the persistent challenge in your marriage? And what have been your reactions to these complaints? An honest reappraisal would help you come to a fair conclusion on where you have gone wrong as well as the possible reasons for his straying. Once you are able to pinpoint your own faults, work on them with a view of making your home more appealing to your husband. For now, pretend you don’t even suspect him of having any interest outside you. Use your knowledge of him, the advantage of being his wife to neutralise the hold the other woman has over him. Every marriage needs upgrading through refresher courses. While you work on your own weakness, read up books on how to improve your relationship with your spouse. When a man goes out of his home, sex and his welfare are more often than not his reasons. Don’t be shy to look at the quality of sex between the two of you. If you were to grade it, how would you score yourself? This isn’t time to be shy, religious or cautious because you are married, hence feel free to enjoy the thrills of sex. For any marriage to remain relevant and happy, both parties must take care not to allow sex become boring or a routine. If he has some fantasies, oblige him if that would make him happy at that moment. You can lovingly tell him later what you think about a particular position and how you think another kind of style would benefit you both the more. You also must have imaginations of your own. Often time women get scared to ask and introduce quality sex into their marriages. The irony of it is that the same innovations married women are afraid of introducing into their love lives are the same things that girlfriends use in luring and entrapping married men. Whether you like it or not, varieties in sexual styles oil the wheels of matrimony. It also helps the couples stay in tune with each other. Check your marital sexual chart, observe its low points and do everything to make it appealing. If you get this right, you won’t have to do anything extraordinary to bring your husband back home. Even where he appears indifferent, don’t let his attitude get to you; continue to follow your new plans on how to get him back. Follow up with good meals, gifts, friendly disposition, listening ears as well as creating a peaceful home for him. No matter the emotional pains you are going through, calm down to properly articulate what you have to do to make your home succeed. Don’t forget that you are the one in the disadvantaged position now. He is having his fill of fun from the other woman and may not really be bothered with how you feel for the time being. If you make the mistake of nagging him or make the home too hostile for him to come back to, you may never be able to completely wean him of his need to stray. It isn’t every time a man strays or appears not in a hurry to leave his girlfriend that juju is involved. Neither would prayers erase a problem that needs practical steps. Just as this isn’t the right time to question his moves. There is plenty of time to do that. What you need is to learn to be humble and exercise wisdom to make your home happy again. This is more important now than worrying over the other woman. By giving him his due respect, you elevate his position of prime importance in your life. This is what men want from women at all time and what would always tilt the scale in your favour even when he goes out.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
How do I treat my husband whom I believe is cheating on me even though he has not for once accepted that he is cheating on me? Please help. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Perish the thoughts that he would admit to an affair. No man would ever tell his wife he is having an extramarital affair. He will continue to deny it unless you catch him red-handed or he has the bad-luck of the other woman getting pregnant. So asking him is an exercise in futility. Also, the quickest way of losing your husband to the other woman is to make things difficult for him at home. A man looking for an excuse to go outside his home for fun would only be too willing to use his wife’s hostility to underscore his reason for finding peace in the arms of another woman. Since you think he is already into an extra-marital relationship, your best attitude should be that of a loving and supportive wife. You must give him a reason to always want to come back home and not to run away from you. Remember something made him go into that relationship in the first place and since you don’t know precisely what it is, remain calm and pretend you don’t even know he is romancing another woman. The essence of this is to help you achieve that equilibrium that would give you the kind of peace to win him back into your arms and bed. And one of such ways is to begin by examining yourself. Granted men are born polygamists and some actually don’t need any reason to begin an affair, the truth however remains that most of the time, women give them reasons to look outside their homes for those extra bits. Even though many women are improving on their looks, there is still a lot to be said when it comes to attitude and disposition to matters concerning their homes and husbands. Gradually, women, no thanks to good education and exposure, are becoming arrogant at home. The average man, no matter his position, wants a woman who will allow him play the lead role at home. This is the way God has structured the average man to behave. Therefore, anything or situation that threatens this God given sovereignty is seen by him as an affront, hence his constant need to find a woman who will always massage this ego. Have you at anytime given him reason to think you are trying to challenge him? Many a time those little things we ignore or take for granted are the very things that become huge problems for us in our marriages. What has he consistently complained about in your marriage and with your person? What has been the persistent challenge in your marriage? And what have been your reactions to these complaints? An honest reappraisal would help you come to a fair conclusion on where you have gone wrong as well as the possible reasons for his straying. Once you are able to pinpoint your own faults, work on them with a view of making your home more appealing to your husband. For now, pretend you don’t even suspect him of having any interest outside you. Use your knowledge of him, the advantage of being his wife to neutralise the hold the other woman has over him. Every marriage needs upgrading through refresher courses. While you work on your own weakness, read up books on how to improve your relationship with your spouse. When a man goes out of his home, sex and his welfare are more often than not his reasons. Don’t be shy to look at the quality of sex between the two of you. If you were to grade it, how would you score yourself? This isn’t time to be shy, religious or cautious because you are married, hence feel free to enjoy the thrills of sex. For any marriage to remain relevant and happy, both parties must take care not to allow sex become boring or a routine. If he has some fantasies, oblige him if that would make him happy at that moment. You can lovingly tell him later what you think about a particular position and how you think another kind of style would benefit you both the more. You also must have imaginations of your own. Often time women get scared to ask and introduce quality sex into their marriages. The irony of it is that the same innovations married women are afraid of introducing into their love lives are the same things that girlfriends use in luring and entrapping married men. Whether you like it or not, varieties in sexual styles oil the wheels of matrimony. It also helps the couples stay in tune with each other. Check your marital sexual chart, observe its low points and do everything to make it appealing. If you get this right, you won’t have to do anything extraordinary to bring your husband back home. Even where he appears indifferent, don’t let his attitude get to you; continue to follow your new plans on how to get him back. Follow up with good meals, gifts, friendly disposition, listening ears as well as creating a peaceful home for him. No matter the emotional pains you are going through, calm down to properly articulate what you have to do to make your home succeed. Don’t forget that you are the one in the disadvantaged position now. He is having his fill of fun from the other woman and may not really be bothered with how you feel for the time being. If you make the mistake of nagging him or make the home too hostile for him to come back to, you may never be able to completely wean him of his need to stray. It isn’t every time a man strays or appears not in a hurry to leave his girlfriend that juju is involved. Neither would prayers erase a problem that needs practical steps. Just as this isn’t the right time to question his moves. There is plenty of time to do that. What you need is to learn to be humble and exercise wisdom to make your home happy again. This is more important now than worrying over the other woman. By giving him his due respect, you elevate his position of prime importance in your life. This is what men want from women at all time and what would always tilt the scale in your favour even when he goes out.
Good luck.
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