Dear Agatha,
You are doing a good job. God will bless you for being there for us. About 10 years ago, while at the university there was this boy I dated. I left him for being cruel by nature. Many times he would beat me for no just cause.
His violence was legendary that the landlord of the apartment we shared had to beat him on the day he stripped me right in front of everybody for daring to voice my comment when he brought another woman to the apartment. When I made up my mind to leave him, I discovered I was pregnant. I tried to abort it but it just refused to be aborted. When I went back to the doctor who performed the abortion, he was very surprised to discover the foetus was still there. He advised me not to tamper with the pregnancy if I valued my life.
Not done with my attempt to terminate the pregnancy, I went to see another doctor who after examining me told me not to risk it as the child was delicately positioned and that any attempt to touch it could lead to my death.
Left with no choice, I informed him about the verdict of the doctors. Though I wasn’t expecting much from him but I didn’t envisage the kind of violence and profanities he uttered at the news. His mother, when I went to her too, drove me away insisting I should get rid of the baby because she wasn’t ready to be a grandmother now.
It wasn’t easy at first but I was eventually able to cope with my pregnancy and studies.
My mother although didn’t reject me but she kept her distance. So I was left alone to care for my child. I would back my child to school, and during examinations friends would take turns in caring for her. Fortunately she didn’t cry and was such a lively baby that made things very easy for me to manage.
I was also very lucky to be retained in the bank I served, so my child and I had an easy start in life.
Because of the way I was treated, I respectfully kept my distance from my family members. I only go home when it is absolutely unavoidable and even at that I leave almost immediately to avoid any form of interactions with anybody.
I had to go home for my sister’s traditional marriage following my father’s summons. Because of the situation between them and me, my sister didn’t deem it fit to inform me of her wedding herself let alone bring the man in question to my house.
It was not until that day that I discovered the identity of her husband to be. He turned out to be the father of my daughter. I was so shocked by everything happening, because I recall introducing this same man to my parents when we were in school. Well, when it was being suggested that I was envious of my sister and out to destroy her, I quietly left the scene with my daughter.
I didn’t bother to go for the white wedding or ask them how they were faring because I was hurt, embarrassed by the whole incident.
I didn’t know anything about them or what challenges they were going through until I got a call from my mother that she would like to come to the house to see me.
I obliged her since I had gotten over the pains of everything that happened to me. I didn’t know what to make of her visit though. Three years had passed without any of them talking to me. Even when I call my parents, they would refuse to pick my call so I stopped calling them but never stopped playing my role as a daughter by sending them their monthly allowances.
She didn’t come alone. She came in company of my father, my sister and her husband as well as his mother.
They came to beg me to forgive and forget the past because everywhere they had been to seek assistance into their childlessness, they say he offended me; I pray and forgive. That was the easy part of it all. Agatha, what I don’t understand and which is bothering me is the fact that I am expected to live with him as his wife before he can ever father a child. I found the whole thing very funny that I drove them away from my house.
That was last year. He and his mother have been coming to my house to beg me. My sister has since left him and only recently at a crusade in my church, the pastor who came for the programme called me out to repeat the same thing. He said, just as the father of my child can’t marry anyone so also would it be difficult for me to be happy with any other man. He went on to say, God wanted to use the situation to teach him a lesson.
Sincerely, I am confused. I don’t love him anymore. Besides, I have remodelled my life in such a way it has only space for my daughter and I. My experiences with him are very bitter ones. What child would he have come back to if I had terminated it and who would the mother have come to if I had died while trying to abort the child? I don’t think I can live with him for one second. A friend of mine advised I reconsider going by the other disappointments I have experienced after his.
I am so confused. Please help me because I don’t have anyone to go to.
Worried Woman.
Dear Worried Woman,
If that is where God wants you to be there is no arguing the reason with the one who made you and knows what He wants for you. Rather than delay God’s plans for you, why not on your own seek Him? There is no situation we are going through that isn’t known to God. He sees the end from the beginning and deliberately allows us go through challenging situations to refine us for greater challenges.
He isn’t unaware of what happened between the two of you. Don’t forget that you also tried to terminate the life of this child you hold so precious. In a way you also rejected the child like her father and grandmother did. Had God allowed it to happen, you too would have been guilty of the things you are now accusing them of.
God gave you the grace to look after that child, and so favoured you with a good job to enable you guard His plans for you and the child. Rather than allow old hurt and sentiment destroy the future, allow peace to reign by allowing him access to his child. God’s plans can never be changed no matter how much we desire he does a change of His ‘master’ plan for our lives. That is why He made it impossible for your sister and this man to have a child together, made sure your family, the man and his mother came back to beg you.
If you think deeply, you will know that God planned everything to happen this way so that both of you would come to appreciate the other more. By now, he must have learnt some valuable lessons from the past. He now knows his mistakes and would not be in a hurry to make them again.
God actually fought on your side else none of them would come to beg you. Learn to be magnanimous in victory, because that is the only way God can continue to fight your battle. Preventing you from falling in love and marrying another man is to make sure when he comes back you will be able to take him back as he is. A lot of times the things we regard as problems are actually solutions to life’s many mysteries.
And the only way you can continue to enjoy this special favour from God is to listen to His voice in all these. If you are sincere enough to look back, you will admit to the lessons you too have learnt in all these. I am sure there were things you did then you will never have done. You must also have discovered the strength in you else you wouldn’t have been able, on your own, to look after a child. That you made a success of it should be a lesson you must never forget and so must always appreciate.
God certainly has a reason for separating the two of you at that time and if He says it is time you went back, please do it because He remains the only one who never disappoints. You may not like it but it is what God wants, so dance to his tune if you desire happiness in your life. You may not want to go back but if God says that is where He wants you to be there is no questioning the one who made you.
Please forgive anyone who needs your forgiveness so that you can move on to the next stage. Pray for God’s clear message and leadership in your life.
Good luck.
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