Dated for eight years, married as virgins, but…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I need your help. I am a born-again Christian. I got married recently after eight solid years of courtship. I had an agreement with my wife, then fiancée, that we would not engage in lovemaking till we were lawfully wedded. I met her a virgin. During the eight years of courtship we had reasons to sleep all alone in the same room severally yet we kept our vow to God and ourselves that we will not go beyond a particular point. I was so serious about it that I told her that if I lost my cool anytime and pressed her for lovemaking, she should slap me so I could come back to my senses. And that if she allowed me, I would not marry her again. However, we engaged in some romance, kissing and other deep touches around the boobs. I do not want to go specific for the sake of decency. All through we did not do any form of sexual intercourse. After our wedding, one night after our being intimate, I just had a knowing that there was something she did that she didn’t tell me. Something I felt amounted to betrayal. So I asked her if any other person has seen any of her private parts. I begged her to be truthful. I was shocked when she told me that the president of their school fellowship – the man I have greeted a number of times on phone as her fiancée when she was in school, several years into our courtship. She was schooling in another region from where I lived. It is a long story but the summary is, the guy came visiting, stayed until he claimed it was too late for him to get a vehicle home. She agreed to house him for the night, gave him another room. After a while, he came to say he wanted to sleep in the same room and on the same bed with her and promised that nothing would happen. Gullibly, she agreed but they eventually engaged in very deep romance to the extent that she confessed the guy did not even want to go as far as she wanted him to. Agatha, she told me she was the one who requested the guy to suck her boobs and the guy did. The only thing they did not do is actual lovemaking. I felt betrayed, I felt let down. I didn’t and still don’t understand why she did it. We were both virgins before we married and I had more reasons to stumble as a man because a man is attracted by what he sees. I saw a lot in this our present age and even had instances of ladies throwing themselves at me and some even came directly and asked in plain language but I resisted not because I didn’t feel like, but just for two reasons – God and my fiancée. I trusted her completely. When I put it to her that if we had been engaged in sexual intercourse, she would have gone all the way with the guy and she couldn’t object. The only reason she didn’t go to that extent was because we had not been there together. I tried to forgive her after some days because she did not waste time before confessing when I asked her. If she had denied there was nothing I would have done since all I had was this strong guts, feelings of what happened. I had no physical evidence. Still I cannot stop asking why? I can’t forget. Please help. Why do you think it happened? What does this say of her kind of person and strength of discipline? What should I do? Confused Husband. Dear Confused Husband, That she didn’t go the whole way underscores her level of discipline to an extent. The mistake was allowing the man close to her in the first place. The chemistry between a man and woman can go haywire if given the chance to. All the conditions for that chemistry to go wild were available – they were both in a room together – one in the bed together and two in the dead of the night. The man came prepared from the beginning of his visit to seduce her. She may not know it at the time but given the pent up emotions and longing inside her, something in her wanted it that night. Her body was curious to be taken to the next level – it had nothing to do with you or her love for you. It was a pure animalistic urge; she lacked the experience and strength to stop it, because you imposed the rules, not her. Her body was ripe for the plucking, you had her all hot by the extent you went, got her curious to know what the final and ultimate thing would be like. Not many women can resist the situation you created for her. Women are very romantic creatures. At that time of the night her senses of right were dulled by the proximity of his body, his smell and touch. Perhaps she would have gone all the way but she didn’t. At least both of them had the decency to end whatever they felt that night. Dating a woman for eight years without making actual love to her while you mindlessly romanced her was too much of a temptation to her. She must have been properly brought up for her to survive the ordeal of being taking that far and left to cool off again. You were able to resist the temptations of other women because the decision to abstain from sex until your wedding night came from you. Over the years, you held and developed the will to fulfill this dream. She on the other hand had to bend to your rules. I am not saying she is right but you have to understand the premise in which this incident happened. We are all not equipped equally to handle emotional feelings this same way. It takes the special grace of God for people like you not to fall. If prominent men of God capitulate to the lure of the flesh, how much more those not so gifted? Besides, like you rightly observed, she could have easily lied about it, but she, despite being aware of the huge implication of telling the truth, took the risk to. It can only mean one thing; she also regretted that incident and she would never do it again. Marriage is peppered with so many challenges. Nobody including you is perfect. To stand a pedestal of purity and righteousness won’t do your marriage any good because one day, you too will need the understanding and forgiveness of your wife to scale a particular hurdle in your marriage. If you don’t learn to forgive and understand that ‘in imperfection we were born and that our best efforts are pure filth before God’, you will never be able to live in peace with your wife. The important thing here is that, you still met her a virgin. At that time, the incident happened; she had the choice to go the whole way and damn what will happen thereafter. Just like you, the other man too found something precious and unique about her; he too would have loved the chance to marry her hence his decision not to further compromise her. This is just the beginning of many instances when situation will put your trust for each other on trial; as the head of the home, you must develop the strength to resist. Forgiveness is divine. If you don’t learn to forgive and forget, you will be putting a very huge wedge between your marriage and happiness because marital pendulum is always shifting to and fro – shifting blames from one end to the other. Being born-again is no guarantee against human errors. Besides, your life started on the day you both signed the dotted lines before God and man. This is what counts, the beginning of new dreams. If you don’t forgive, you also don’t enjoy the healing balm of forgiveness. As a born-again you must know how important this is to our salvation. Accept the apologies of your wife so that your mind can be free to settle down to the business of building your home, life and dreams. Marriage is a journey of tremendous sacrifices, selflessness, forgiveness, wisdom and tolerance. It takes more than love to absolute faith in each other and prayers to make the difference. She is part of you, fallible but one you have elected to spend your life with. If you cannot forgive her of this one slip she made in the eight years you dated her before you married her, then something is wrong somewhere. This is the kind of thing that gives character, definition and colour to a marriage – it is the story of hope for another couple tomorrow. Pray and be the friend your wife needs now to be a good woman. Good luck.