Re: My cousin needs help with her marriage

Dear Agatha,

 

Going through your response to the worried cousin’s letter to you, I hope she would be smart enough to heed to your advice. Sincerely, it is the most practical thing to do, especially as her own husband has told her to stay off.

She would be overstepping her bounds if she interferes more than she has done. I strongly suspect the lady in question’s immediate family, including her mother, is aware of the situation in her daughter’s home but decided to look the other way because of the money and prestige of the family their daughter married into.

And if the mother isn’t bothered about the life of her daughter, why should the cousin cry more than the woman who carried her in the womb for nine months?

Though very pathetic but it tells the story of how low we have gone as a people. These days, money and affluence are what matters most to people than the real thing. If the parents of this girl place more emphasis on money what then is the business of this cousin of hers?

In addition, the lady at the centre of it all isn’t a young girl who doesn’t know what she wants. She certainly knows what to do if the situation becomes too unbearable for her. No amount of fear should keep her in that place if she actually wants to leave. Denying everything she told this cousin of hers shows that this cousin is on her own and could easily be accused of spreading falsehood about her cousin’s home out of jealousy. This could destroy not only her home but split the family as well. 

She should please stay out of her cousin’s marriage no matter how much she finds the situation unpleasant. 

There are some situations in life that do not need the prompting or support of anybody to decide on. Her cousin doesn’t need her to end the marriage. When she is tired of being beaten, humiliated, embarrassed and dehumanised she would end it herself money or not.

Agatha, please keep up the good job. Nobody but God can repay your selfless service to humanity.

Thank you. 

Bill Douglas. 

Dear Concerned Cousin, 

I feel compelled to share my experience with you on this issue. It would help you understand a lot of the things Agatha told you better. Going through her response to you, I see plenty of wisdom from someone who may have gone through all the shades of experiences in life. In deep retrospect, I have come to see life as a big school.

I share my experience with you as a mother to a daughter. I hope your cousin gets to read it too.

As a woman and mother, I appreciate how you feel but like Agatha advised don’t get involved in another woman’s marriage. I have been married for almost 35 years and have experienced all there is to experience in marriage. I have seen the best and worst sides of it. After battling my own problems for this long, I have now come to a point of enduring every situation that crops up with dignity of an old person.

Your cousin’s marriage is a reflection of my own 35 years ago. The first year was the most beautiful when I had my only child of the union. It was as if the birth of my daughter changed him from a loving man into a living monster. He found every excuse to beat me. He didn’t care who the audience was, he would do what he wanted to do to me, including forcing me to sleep with him.

It was so horrible but I couldn’t quit because my parents didn’t support me at all. Being very rich, he could buy my entire town. He didn’t deny me money. Gave me everything money could buy but what I needed the most, he denied me. A friend of mine from my childhood who tried to play the heroine died in the process of helping me and the worst thing is that I couldn’t do anything to help her.

I still feel guilty anytime I recall that I was the one who caused her death. She noticed the several bruise on my body and that I wasn’t happy. She pressured me into telling her about my husband and home. Just like I feared, she didn’t like and tried to make me leave but I wasn’t ready for it. Violent as the marriage was, I was getting used to the money, affluence and prestige of being married to this particular man. My parents and siblings all liked his money. It was a different world from that of wants I come from.

So when my friend blew the lid on me and my husband came after me with his belts and pistol, I had to deny my friend; accused her of being jealous of my success and wanting to destroy my home as a result of it. 

Then I didn’t know how far my husband would go in ensuring he kept me. Despite how I treated my friend, she still kept coming to me and actually came with the police after she found me in a pool of blood almost dead from a knife stab inflicted on me by my husband. 

She contacted the police after she took me to the hospital. At the hospital, before the police came, my husband had come to warn me to keep my mouth shut or my parents would pay with their lives.

So when my friend and the police came, I lied that I inflicted the cut on myself to get the attention of my husband. My friend didn’t believe what was happening. 

As if that wasn’t enough, I told her to stay out of my life; that she was a bad influence on me. I remember my parents calling her all sorts of names. 

She was strangled to death in her apartment two weeks after. My husband told me several months after that if I didn’t want to end up like my friend, I should reconcile myself to being married to him.

From that point on, I accepted to make the best of my marriage by refusing to bother with what was happening. Over the years, he also changed and is now more bearable to live with but my friend is dead for not heeding the warning to stay away from my business.

Today, he too old to do anything for himself and relies on me, the same woman he took delight in beating and humiliating to get things done for him. Sometimes when the bitterness comes I feel like neglecting him but it is a cross I have carried for 35 years so where would I dump him now? I hope this story of mine makes sense to you and all the other young girls experiencing what your cousin is going through and for those who refuse to respect the sanctity of other people’s marriages. 

There is so much wisdom in what Agatha told you. Please mind your business and allow your cousin work out how she wants to live her life.

Patience.

Before her inability to hallow my privacy wrecks our marriage

Dear Agatha, 

I recently got married. As a matter of fact my marriage is two months old. Unfortunately, my wife and I are already having a problem which if not solved immediately could become something of a monster in our marriage. I really love my wife as well as the idea of marriage itself. 

The issue has to do with sharing of our space. I have always loved my space. I detest sharing my room with anybody. I am one of those persons who love things kept in apportioned places. I suffer disorientation each time I come back to find someone had tampered with the way I kept my things.

Knowing how irritated I can be and how this attitude of mine had caused major disagreements with me and some of my previous girlfriends as well as my family members, I told my wife before our wedding that we would keep separate rooms at least for the sake of ensuring that I don’t get upset with her.

Although she protested initially but she eventually agreed when I explained the consequences to her. 

However, since marrying her however she has insisted on sharing my room. Unfortunately, she is one of the most disorganised persons I know. Her things don’t have specific place of abode. She can sleep on unmade bed, but I can’t. I could only withstand it for the first week. Thereafter it became something of a problem as well as challenge to me.

When I complained she said I was nagging so I stopped and tried to ignore the situation but it only kept bringing on the irritations. Hence I decided to be sleeping in the guest room at nights.

She still followed me to the room insisting it is either we stay in the same room or nothing.

This is the point we are in. I am not getting enough sleep and rest at home. Rather than grow in love, I am developing resentments for her because of her unwillingness to understand me. 

She is of the opinion that we would grow apart quickly if we don’t share the same room.

Frankly, my cloud of anger is reaching its crescendo and before it does, I want you to help me manage it and tell me how to get her to listen to me. I am not saying we cannot sleep together but that we should have different rooms to keep our things; come together in whichever room we feel like spending the night.

I don’t know how to make her understand me at all. Please help me, I beg you Agatha.

Peter.

Dear Peter, 

Do try to find out her real fears and try to address them one by one. Naturally most young women don’t like maintaining different rooms from their husbands. They fear it would affect their intimacy with their husbands. Some of them are also afraid it would not give them enough control of their husband’s movements as well as knowledge of the people he talks to on phone at nights.

They also think it would give their husbands too much liberty to keep so many things away from them; like the telltale clues which indicate the man may be involved with another woman. 

These are some of the reasons young women like being in the same room with their husbands. 

What you should do is to gently address her fears. Don’t dismiss them. Unlike others before her, she has a right to your space because she is your wife. But for the fact that you aren’t used to sharing your space and very particular about how your things are kept, I agree that it could torpedo your relationship if both of you don’t apply plenty of wisdom.

Explain clearly to her what your fears are if she insists on the two of you sharing a room. Let her know how deep your sentiments run and how it has in the past destroyed your relationships. Assure her of your love as well as make her understand that it is for the sake of this love you are doing everything to protect her from the repercussion of your anger at discovering she has moved your things from where you have kept them.

It is also imperative she understands that you are also willing for the sake of the marriage to amend your ways to accommodate her too. It would be so unfair to expect her to be the one to make all the sacrifices. Like you, she too also had a vision of the kind of marriage and living arrangements she desired in her marriage.

For this reason you must also be willing to let go some of your rigidity at not sharing your space with anybody. The reason we marry is to share our lives, souls and space. There is no marriage if you two cannot share your space. She must infringe on your space and you hers. It is what marital integration is all about. 

Besides, you just must make a change because the children once they start coming cannot, especially at that early stage in life when their tiny hands and curious minds are forever on the look out for something to grab, be restricted.

Babies are no respecter of rules and orders. The things you prize the most are the things that attract them the most. You cannot order a baby learning to crawl or walk from tampering with things. Babies don’t ask to share one’s space they simply impose on it daring anybody to object so they can have the perfect excuse to scream the house down.

If not for the sake of your wife, for the sake of your peace of mind, begin to train yourself for this phase in your life when you would come and find out that your wrist watch or shoes are not where you have kept them or the remote control has been transferred to the trash bin by those tiny hands. There is a limit to how far you can shout on babies or you end up scaring them off you. No matter what your sentiments are, you just must learn how to adapt to having disrupting little hands around the house. 

While for the sake of your young marriage as well as those days you wish to really be alone, you may each keep your things in separate rooms but have a time together, to discuss as a couple, develop a friendship that goes with deep understanding, time to have pillow talks, cuddle, sleep in each other’s arms, wake up at the dead of the night to do what couples do at that time.

Such times are not time to fuse over the disorderliness of the room, the bed-sheets or clothes. Those moments once they come are spontaneous and could be easily lost if one has to migrate into another room. They are moments that bind and build wonderful memories and come about when couples share the bed.

These are moments that give marriage its substance, colour, creed and structure. You will be denying your wife and marriage such golden and valued moments if you insist on only your way. 

I am sure if your wife understands that you would get to sleep together every night in whatever room that appeals to either of you, she would not object. As a matter of fact having two rooms in the house has its appeal, as it would add excitement to your marriage. 

Decorate each room differently to remove boredom from your marriage. Both of you can agree on the colour schemes of the room and the one that would be the escape room once the children begin to come. 

Marriage is a simple matter of applying maturity with exciting ideas aimed at helping it grow. 

To help you understand the issue at sake, ask yourself this important question: what is more important to you now? Is it the presence of your wife in your arms every night or the coldness of a well arranged room? If you are honest with yourself, you will know where the strength of this marriage lies.  

From this early stage commit the marriage to God. Ask Him for wisdom to share your space with your woman as well as the patience to endure the changes marriage brings into our lives.

Good luck. 

He keeps me for his sexual desire…

Dear Agatha,

I am a girl of 18 years of age while my boyfriend is 25 and I love him very much. Our relationship is a year old. He can’t do without sex and I am not so crazy about it but can’t end the relationship. According to him, his mother says it is always better when a woman loves a man more as against a man loving a woman more as our case. 

Recently, he called me to inform me that he desires to reduce intensity of his love for me through reduction in the number of times he makes love to me but that as long as I am in his life, he can’t stop.

The only way he says he can achieve this is to have another girlfriend alongside with me. I don’t know what to say to him or how to handle the matter.

Confused Girl.

Dear Confused Girl, 

At 18, you don’t need this kind of man in your life. You need a man who is more interested in your development as a young girl than this one who is only interested in your body.

Frankly, this young man isn’t in love with you but in lust with your body, which unfortunately you freely allow him to depreciate for you. Has it occurred to you that should you get pregnant or come down with a terrible disease this man is most likely to abandon you to your fate? Has it occurred to you that no matter how careful a woman is, mistakes sometimes happen and she gets pregnant despite all precautions?  Are you prepared for early motherhood?

Sincerely, you are too young for this kind of commitment. If at 18 you were already this sexually active what would happen when you are older? Love and sex are not the same thing. Sex is not a function of love. There are many people having sex without being in love. This is why commercial sex strive the world over. So if he is equating the number of times he goes to bed with you as proof of his love for you, he is only deceiving you to defraud you of the value of your body. One can be in love with a person without demanding for sex. 

As a matter of fact, a man truly in love with a girl as young as you would zip up for fear of doing anything that could affect your future.

The fact that he has told you of his intention to befriend another girl should inform you of the quality of his feelings for you. If he were truly in love with you, there is no way he would have contemplated dating another girl. The reason he is giving for desiring another lady in his life isn’t true. The real reason is that he is tired of you and wants to move on to another lady he considers more exciting than you are.

A man and a woman should love each other equally. What makes a relationship work is the respect and level of sincerity infused into it. 

There can never be true love when there is no truth. An unbalanced relationship is a recipe for emotional disaster. 

Beyond the worry of relationship, you should concentrate on your studies more and leave the worry of boyfriends and mothers-in-law to the time when you are matured enough to handle the worries. Your concern now should be your education and future ambition. Certain dreams are tough to achieve when combined with emotional worries at your delicate age. You are too young to be a sex machine to any man. 

Any man who loves you would be willing to endure the sacrifice of enduring his own emotions for your well being and development as a young girl just emerging into adulthood. 

Be careful at your age that you don’t fall victim of sugarcoated men, who like butterflies are attracted to the prettiest flower in the garden. They would come in different sizes, age to declare a sentiment they don’t feel for the purpose of having their ways with you. 

No matter how attractive their offer is learn to say NO until that special man comes later in your life. Someone you can depend on, who will not come up with excuses on why he can’t be faithful to you or why he wants to date another girl alongside you. 

Insist you are no longer interested in having a sexual relationship with him irrespective of whatever his decisions are concerning his feelings towards you. His reactions would tell you if all he has been telling you are true or not. 

Good luck. 

Decades after my marriage crashed…

Dear Agatha, 

I write you this mail with tears in my eyes. I just need a shoulder to lean on, one to dry my tears. 

Agatha, I am 48 years old. I went through a terrible marriage a long time ago. My ex-husband and I have parted ways more than 18 years ago. He is since remarried. I didn’t remarry not out of attention from men but just didn’t want to have anything to do with men due to my very horrible experiences. I needed time to discover myself and be my own person. I also needed time to define my own rules, establish a personal relationship with myself as well as develop the confidence to face life generally.

I also didn’t want any man maltreating my children. There were one or two relationships I entered into but there was nothing serious.

Sometime two years ago, I however ran into this man, though much older than I am, I fell in love with him instantly. The fact that he was also single endeared him more to me. Being older, I thought he would have all the experiences to conduct a relationship.

I honestly wasn’t prepared for the kind of things he has been subjecting me to. With him there is no telling what he would do next. This minute he is loving, understanding and relaxed. The next he is being very mean. Without any warning, he would withdraw to himself, refuse to pick my calls or respond to my messages. He would only resume talking with me of his own accord. 

It is been so much pains and torture keeping this relationship going. I have endured so far first because I truly love him and secondly to avoid being labelled an impatient person. 

I have tried in every way a woman knows to allay whatever fear he has concerning women generally and me in particular, hence my resolve to be stupidly patient with him. 

However each new day, it dawns on me that he may just be playing with my emotions. This minute he is telling me he loves me and the next minute he is pushing me away from him, treating me as a piece of trash. 

Agatha, I have honestly had enough but something deep inside me keeps telling me to hold on that it shall be well. I am so confused. I can’t discuss this with my children, friends or family. You know certain things are best left unsaid. 

But you are different. I want you to help me because I am currently a wreck. I feel so sorry for myself because ideally at this age, I shouldn’t be looking for a husband but here I am, despite being successful in my own right, the only man I fell in love with is the one who treats me like dirt. It is so painful and don’t understand why God should make me go through this needless pains.

I feel as if my world is collapsing on me. I don’t know what to do. A very large part of me wants me to quit but another part, is urging me to tolerate him that I would eventually come to enjoy this man. Sincerely, Agatha, I love this man with everything inside of me, but given my age and his, when will I have the time to enjoy the joy of a man in my life?

Angel.

Dear Angel, 

I know precisely how you feel. Always remember that no matter what you are passing through, countless number of people have equally passed through it. And that God who gave them that grace to overcome hasn’t vacated His throne. All the time, he deliberately allows us go through some painful experiences to gauge our ability to trust Him and to make us better human beings. At no time did God promise us a problem free life sufficient of His grace to see us through life’s many challenges.

Life generally is a maze; there are always rough bends, frustrating stops, windy and seemingly endless twists and turns but which eventually lead to the finishing line. Trust me, this will one day come to an end no matter the intensity of pains and loneliness you currently feel enveloping you. It may or may not be with him but you will eventually find your happiness irrespective of what your age says. God isn’t limited by the barriers we put on our ways or worried about those things we actually have very little knowledge of. If it is His wish you remarry and have a happy home, don’t allow yourself to be intimidated by his attitude towards you. See him and whatever he is doing to you are one of the many lessons you have to learn in life. If not essentially for yourself but for the sake of those coming behind you, who will at one time or the other have need for your counsel and value of your experiences.

God doesn’t make mistakes; there could also be the need for you to see before you enter into marriage with him, the kind of challenges you are going to face with him.

Having gone through a bad marriage, God knows that He has to prepare you so you don’t end up with another record of a broken home. By allowing this man to deal with you as openly as possible, He is indirectly preparing you for another phase. Perhaps in your early life, you lacked the patience and maturity to deal with marital challenges but this time, considering that you may not have another chance if this one collapses, He is giving you real lessons in wisdom, knowledge and understanding. 

If that tiny section of your mind is urging you to be patient, listen because often than not, that little voice emerges as the right one.

Understandably, everything that he is doing is enough to make you beat a retreat immediately, give up the relationship and to bid good radiance to bad rubbish, but the good things in life do not come easy.

Take the issue of childbirth for instance, labour pains are the worst kinds of pains, nothing as a matter of fact compares to those excruciating pains women feel in the labour room but the joy of holding one’s baby at the end of it all erases memories of such pains.

No woman is intimidated by the pains not to try for another child. That you are going through these emotional pains doesn’t mean you won’t overcome and be happy afterwards. 

Have you ever questioned him on why he keeps treating you the way he is doing? If yes, what are his excuses? Do you think them tenable? Do you in anyway understand some of his fears?

Since the ultimate choice is yours, you just have to decide how much of this kind of treatment you can tolerate. Love or not love, there is always time for retreat when things appear to be getting out of hand. While he is at his game, take some time too to listen to your heart as well as yourself. Create time to talk to God. It is important to know you are still under the plans of God. There is nothing given to God that He doesn’t accomplish. 

Relying on Him implicitly will give you a better understanding of the things going on in your life.

At times when a problem becomes repetitive in one’s life, it might be an indication that there is a deeper issue involved. You may have to look at your foundation for possible clues. Can you recognise a similarity between you and any of your female siblings or relations? If there is, please ask God to help direct you to an anointed servant of His who will help you with deliverance from whatever has been implanted in your foundation to hurt and deny you of marital bliss.

Honestly, some of the things we blame on others are actually issues programmed into our lives by our foundations and since no meaningful development can be done on a faulty foundation, it is always important we tackle problems from the spiritual angles first.

No matter how dark the night gets, it will always give way to the light of a dawn. Don’t worry, this problem will soon expire and you will be able to smile again through the grace of God.

If you live in Lagos, please come over to our corporate headquarters, Independent Newspapers, 7D Wempco Road, Ogba, Lagos, for personal discussions. 

Good luck. 

My baggy breasts irritate me

Dear Agatha, 

I am 20 years of age and have breasts size that is embarrassing me. I want my breasts to be normal size. What do I do?

Chinasa

Dear Chinasa, 

The first thing you must do is to learn to appreciate the body that God gave you or you end up with a complex that could drive you into a situation you would later regret.

At 20, you still have a long way to go in life, and one of the things you need to go far is confidence in who you are. Besides, there is no perfect size anywhere. The fabled perfect size is a creation of someone’s imagination and desire to control what others think about their bodies. Your imperfection could be another’s ideal shape.

One of the important things you need to learn in life is self-contentment. It is life’s essential kit if you want to make it in life. Don’t try to apologise for who you are else others would take advantage of it to humiliate you to tears. Life is too short and beautiful to live it in the thinking of another person.

So what if the majority says your breasts are the wrong shape and size? As long as they are a healthy pair, these are the things that make you unique. Often than not, individuality is not about the general but about the specifics. 

Unless you want to go under the knife to recreate your pair, with the right kind of bras, you can achieve the kind of looks with your breasts that you want. If they are too big, a good support bra would nicely mould them to stand firm and sexy while smaller pair can be enhanced with the right kind of padded bra. Also the cut of bras too are essential in causing the right kind of effects. If you don’t know what to do, go to a bra shop. Some of them have experts that will not only help measure your accurate size but give you useful hints on how to package your best assets as a woman. 

The delight of a woman’s body is usually not about the shape but how it is packaged. The trick of attractive packaging is to draw attention to one’s best feature and away from one’s uncomfortable zones. 

The right kind of blouses and skirts can either help accentuate what you want attention to be on. If your breasts are embarrassing you, don’t wear any blouse or gown cut that would put attention there. 

Look critically at the mirror to know your best feature. If they are your eyes, mouth or legs, learn to play them up. That way you will help build your confidence to face the cynicism that the life stage is. 

Can’t bear women’s crazy demands…

Dear Agatha,

There is this persistent problem in my relationships. Often than not the problems come from the women, I find out that it is either they are liars or making unreasonable demands on me. As a person these are things I cannot tolerate. I need your advice on how to react to these things and secondly, I need a very responsible and God fearing girl. My mobile number is 07036226165.

Hazor.

Dear Hazor, 

One thing you must get straight is the fact that there is no perfect person anywhere. You aren’t perfect yourself so don’t expect any of these women you come across to be.

Also the fact that you are having problems with all these women shows that the major issue is coming from you. All these women can’t be wrong and you right. Life doesn’t work that way. Life is a complete process of give and take.

Therefore you must examine your own contributions to what is happening to you. Who are you? Why is it so difficult for you to get along with all these women? How come you appear to be making the same kind of choice of women, those that lie as well as those who want money from you?

Is it that these are the only women you met or the fact that you are also economical with the truth when you meet them? 

Finding another woman is not much a problem as you first going back to the drawing board to find out what precisely you want in a woman and the kind of one who can meet your demands as a man. 

One, is knowing the kind of woman you want; another is finding that particular one among the kind you want who has the patience and understanding to adapt to your person. 

You also must be prepared to make a shift from the position you are in now. There is no desiring perfection in another person without you refusing to shift too.

If you don’t first clear this, you will keep meeting with disappointments in your relationships. 

Good luck. 

My 17-year-old secret has come to haunt my marriage

Dear Agatha, 

When I was 16, a distant cousin of my father raped me and it resulted into pregnancy. Being Catholics, my parents didn’t agree to an abortion. They thought it would be using a sin to cover a sin. I was sent to the village to have the baby. Immediately the baby was born, it was given to an aunt of mine who after several years of marriage didn’t have a child to call her own. 

I was sent back to Lagos to continue my education. Being very brilliant I was able to catch up with the others. Nobody in our neighborhood knew I was pregnant. The excuse my parents gave to the school and everybody was that I was recovering from a strange illness. Even in the village, not many knew about it since I wasn’t allowed to go out of the house while I was pregnant. 

Since I didn’t have anything to do with the child since then, I didn’t think it necessary to inform my husband when I met him and we agreed to marry. 

Besides, except for that brief time I stayed in the village, I have never seen or heard from the child. 

You can therefore imagine my shock when my parents called me recently to inform me that my 17-year-old daughter is not only asking to see me but that it has been decided by the family that she comes to live with me. My aunty who adopted her died some few months ago and my parents, who would have naturally taken her in are really too old to care for a teenager. 

Her father died shortly after the incident of rape. 

How do I tell my husband of seven years about her? How do I explain that she is a product of rape? How do I explain her presence to my in-laws?

Knowing the kind of man I married, this could really end our marriage because he is that kind of prim and proper person. I recall the fuse he generated when he discovered on our wedding night I wasn’t a virgin. He almost walked out on the marriage but for his mother who had to intervene on my behalf. Unfortunately, his parents are both dead.

Having met my daughter who is the mirror image of me, I feel the need to be close to her; make up for all those times I have been away from her. Though my aunty did a wonderful job on her, I want to play my role as her mother. She is in her first year at the university. I took time out to explain to her so many things she didn’t know and she is quite supportive of me.

Please Agatha, help me!

Helpless Wife.

Dear Helpless Wife, 

Frankly, you left it too late. No matter the circumstances in which you got pregnant with this child, you should have told your husband from the very beginning everything about your past. Had you done that, this child won’t be coming to him as a huge surprise. Put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel if he were the one springing this surprise at you seven years after your wedding?

The excuse you gave about his reaction to the fact that he didn’t meet you a virgin isn’t tenable. The information should have been given before that night and at any rate, why didn’t you use the opportunity provided by his reactions then to open up about your past? 

Even if your aunty adopted the child, the truth of it is you are her biological mother. The child was taken off you to give you a chance at life not for you to deny its existence completely. 

Granted, you were raped but you should have long taken responsibility for the child because whether you like it or not, she is not only your first fruit but also an integral part of you. 

Also, your parents didn’t act well. Long before now, they should have encouraged you to tell your husband. Asking you now to take the child without your husband having prior knowledge isn’t the right way to tackle such a sensitive matter. The first step would have been for them to brief you, offer to explain the situation to your husband themselves knowing that the gravity of this issue is capable of destroying your home. Since your parents-in-law are both dead, it is their duty to help you manage this delicate matter with all the maturity and wisdom it deserves.

Because of the delay in telling him, he may not believe your story about the rape since you have never mentioned it to him. If you go on your own to break this kind of news to him, your marriage may not survive it at all therefore, mandate your parents to go with you to first tell the person he respects the most in the family before going to him. Even if he has the intentions of walking away from your parents, the presence of this other person would cushion his reactions. Sincerely, only your parents have the maturity, experience, as well as the right words to break this kind of news to your husband. Their presence would not only moderate his reactions to the piece of news but also give details of how it all happened and why the information was kept away from him.

The essence of getting his people involved even before he is told is to forestall the gravity of his reactions, as well as take care of how to present the issue to his family. 

For now, don’t push the issue of having your child come live with you. It has to be a gradual process. Allow him to chew this large chunk of meat before giving him another one. Let the decision of whether or not the child should come to stay with you during the holidays come from him. You can be very involved with her by making out time to speak with her everyday on the phone as well as going to visit her in school until such a time your husband is comfortable being a father to a 17-year-old stranger. 

Don’t be deceived. That he has accepted the fact of the matter isn’t the same as giving you his complete trust again. For sometime which is a very normal reaction, he is bound to wonder at your past life which may for a long time influence the way he responds to you and anything concerning you. One of the implications is the quality of trust he would have for you, as he would often wonder if there are other things you are not telling him.

It would take more than mere apologies and pleas on the part of your parents and you to make things right again between the two of you.

More than ever before you have to learn to be absolutely patient, loving, caring, respectful and attentive to him to win him back again, forget whatever he tells your people or his. The fact is a major crack has occurred in your marriage, which needs to be sealed as soon as possible and you are the only one who can do it.

Use the woman in you to woo him back; to make him talk about his disappointment and also to vent his anger if and where necessary. 

To be fair to this man, you didn’t act well. Despite not being your fault that you were raped, you should have given him the right to decide whether he would marry you with a child or not. What you are doing now is like forcing him to accept this situation irrespective of what or how he feels. 

It is for this reason you must do everything within your power to keep him happy by asking God through prayers to help you do what is right.

Good luck. 

I’m in love with a rich single mother…

Dear Agatha,

There is this woman in my neighbourhood that I have secretly admired for several years, but lacked the courage to tell her. She is single mother of a lovely boy and appears successful. Since coming to that area about six years ago, I have never seen any man with her. Yet she is friendly, respectful and keeps so much to herself.

I really don’t know how to approach her and how to convince her that I am really interested in her and not her money. Since she lives in a three-bedroom house drives a new car; I live in a two-bedroom house with a weather beaten car. 

My fear has always been whether she won’t think I am a gold digger? Planting on reaping where I didn’t sow? I really love this woman but am so scared of what she would say to me or how to even approach and introduce the matter to her even though we are friends. We have exchanged occasional visits especially when she has to come and get her son who likes to keep me company whenever I am around.

I am 34 years of age and she is 32 years old.

Innocent.

Dear Innocent, 

People would always talk about others, so it isn’t a reason for you not to approach the woman you have come to love. The only issue here is your motive for wanting her in your life. Are you really interested in her as a woman or for the fact that she appears comfortable? Often time, we are bothered about what people would say because we either give too much time to the importance of what others think of us or their thoughts are precisely what we secretly intend. If you are planning on being with her for the sake of her money or affluence, it shouldn’t bother you what anyone says. If your love for her is real, anybody can say anything they feel like saying, provided you know what you want.

Therefore your motive must be clear to you from the onset to prevent ruining whatever chance you both have of being good friends. 

To get this kind of woman to listen to you, you must first know what the issues with her past are. Being a single mother, someone, somewhere must have hurt her and for her to remain single means at her age it means the hurt runs very deep. There is no way she can move forward without first getting rid of the pains of the past. 

Since you have the opportunity to talk with her, why not first of all try to get her to open up on her past? Get her to talk about the father of her son, were they married or was he born outside wedlock? 

You must know the person behind the mask she has carefully built around herself. You must make the sacrifice to slice through her pains as well as the layers of dust her experiences have gathered to get to her real self.

Use the advantage of your friendship to first get her to open up to you. As a friend there are things she would tell you which she might be unwilling to discuss as a lover. Because of her past, your interest in her must go beyond her body and wealth to her comfort as a person. You must be able to make her and her son laugh, relax and hope for better days ahead. 

In addition you must give her the assurance that your interest in her includes the welfare of her son. Are you prepared to be a father to someone else’s son? In taking on this responsibility, you must be prepared to give more than emotional support to even financial contributions when the need arises. You must also be a positive influence on the child by not only showing leadership by example, but also creating time to show him how to be responsible. 

Often than not, the fear of single mothers is the kind of treatment and reactions of their would be husband to their children. Many a time, some men give the promise to be good fathers to their stepchildren but become very hostile to these children once they get married to the women. Are you strong enough emotionally to cope with the child’s father as well as your own family members who may choose to be hostile to this child? Will you not get to a point that you would see this child as another man’s child and not your problem?

Honestly, there is no marrying this woman without this child. It comes with the package hence your need to be very clear about what you want and are going into from the beginning. First and foremost, she is a mother, a factor you must always reckon with if you want her in your life.

As for telling her how you feel, once your mind is made up about her and you are sure you can cope, tell her how you feel. The worst that can happen is for her to say No! At 34, you should be used to the ways of women. 

Good luck.

Before my pregnancy for Osu claims my life…

Dear Agatha, 

My boyfriend and I graduated from the same school. He was two years ahead of me. We are both very much in love. We are from the same place; hence I thought it was right him and me to date. One thing led to another and I got pregnant. 

As a matter of fact, I didn’t know I was pregnant until I was almost four months gone. In the first instance my body didn’t display any of those signs that tell a woman she is pregnant, and because I am not the regular 28-day cycle woman, I didn’t bother when my period didn’t come for three months.

Sometimes, I don’t even have menstrual period for four months and after going repeatedly to my doctor, I have come to accept it as normal with me. 

Besides it was the first time I was getting pregnant since I started having my monthly period. When I told him I was carrying his baby, he didn’t hesitate to tell me to keep the baby, and that he would inform his people to kick-start as well as fast-forward our marriage process since the pregnancy was already four months old. In our place, bride price isn’t always paid on a pregnant woman.

On our own, we had already started getting things of our own. I had even started telling my friends about our wedding when my parents called me to send the name of my boyfriend for proper investigations.

Three days after, they called to inform me that we cannot get married and that I should go and abort the pregnancy with immediate effect irrespective of how old it is. 

According to them, my boyfriend is an Osu, a group of people considered to be outcasts and forbidden by our traditions to marry freeborn.

For effect, my father, who claims to be a religious leader came all the way from Mbaise to warn me not to disgrace him or disenfranchise him from decent society by marrying into the family of outcasts. He warned that if I didn’t do something about the pregnancy, he would personally remove the child from inside of me through beating. That as his only female child, he would rather die than face the cultural embarrassment of having me marry into an Osu family.

When I tried arguing with him, he actually made good his threat and gave me the beating of my life after which he dragged me to see a doctor colleague of his to terminate the pregnancy. When told that it was not advisable for me to go through it as a result of the delicate positioning of the foetus, he told the doctor that he doesn’t care if I die in the process as long as I don’t give birth to it.

Too shock to comprehend the kind of sentiments and attitude of my father; I decided to play it cool so that he can go back to his base without causing me further emotional problems. 

Meanwhile, my boyfriend too has been receiving similar threats from my brother and cousins. They told him to leave me alone else he would regret knowing me. 

I am so confused about the whole thing. Although he has given me permission to abort the baby if I want to and go my own way to protect me against the combined attacks of my father, brother and cousins. There is no way I would abort this child or let go of the one man so caring, loving and very dedicated to me. 

Efforts by our priest to intervene on the matter have proved abortive. My father has gone beyond the point of reasoning that he doesn’t care who he tells that he would rather die than have me marry my boyfriend.

My mother is at the centre of it all. Despite having a mother’s sympathy for me, she cannot go against the wishes of her husband or her only male child if she doesn’t want to be kicked out of her husband’s life.

Agatha, please what do I do? I cannot abort this child and cannot let go of my man. Some friends have advised we relocate abroad. But my frustration has to do with my boyfriend who thinks we should stay and tackle the situation. 

Before I commit suicide over this matter please help me. I am simply too confused to think logically now. 

Confused Lady.

Dear Confused Lady, 

The first thing is your health and that of the baby. No matter what happens ensure you don’t do anything to jeopardise your health and that of the baby. Irrespective of what your family thinks, that child is innocent and a perfect creation of God. The child represents the image of God and as long as nobody can create the minutest feature in or on that child, nobody has the right to terminate something he or she cannot create.

Your life may not mean anything to your family but your life as well as that of the child inside you means so much to God who in His wisdom knows and still allows this situation to happen. He doesn’t make mistakes.

You and your boyfriend have both made the first mistake, sleeping with each other without finding out your backgrounds as well as your cultural values. 

Had both of you done things properly, you won’t be fighting against the tide of cultural values like you are doing now. Frankly, your boyfriend doesn’t have anything to lose; rather you have more than enough to lose. As it is, your life is at stake; that of your unborn baby as well as all the future ahead. There is no way you and your father can ever get back to the same pedestal as you were before. On both sides, trust and friendship have been broken. Because of the role your father and mother are playing in all these, it would take a very long time for you to grow the kind of respect you once had for them. This is why you must avoid making more mistakes that would compromise trust, respect and the peace you both once had.

If you allow the hurt of your parents seemingly betrayal get at you, you may want to behave in a manner that would hurt them the more. For this reason, be matured about what is happening to you. Accept the blame for indiscretion in all these. Always keep this in mind that had you not slept with your boyfriend before marriage or protected yourself against pregnancy, you won’t be facing this challenge at all.

Therefore, as an expectant mother, it is your responsibility to protect the child from any harm. Don’t allow anyone to destroy you and that child, no matter the reason for it. To destroy the life of that child is to provoke the laws of God. That worse than the man made laws your family is protesting against. 

While I have no intentions of commenting on whether your father has a right to deny the love between you and your boyfriend on account of one being an outcast, he however lacks the right to make you go through abortion to suit his purpose of remaining relevant within his community.

It is not his right or that of anybody to make you go through that. This is why you must be firm and resolute in ensuring that you take responsibility for the life of this child. 

Until your parents and family members simmer-down, there may be the need for you to relocate. Time has a way of breaking down anger and making one reasons differently. As it is now, nothing much would be achieved with all parties more concerned about their image than the things that matter. As his only daughter, you have hurt him by getting pregnant outside wedlock. In a way, he too carries a grudge against you for not doing what is right. If he is religious, his anger may not just be that you are contemplating marriage to those he considers to be outcasts but the fact that you have also compromised him by the act of pregnancy. 

It would take sometime for him to really get over the twin disappointment. You are going to be a parent soon. You would soon understand the pains of a parent when a child steps out of line hence your need to remain calm and allow time to heal you all. 

As for your boyfriend, don’t get angry with him or express disappointment at his behaviour. He is hurting too, but has decided to give you the chance to decide on what you want. He knows it is the only way you both can be happy. Given the intensity of all the reactions around both of you, there may be the need for you to step down your plans to marry at least until all the parties have plenty of time to think of the consequences on your cultural values. 

You in particular must be convinced that you have enough love for your man to endure rejections by your family and friends for a long time, that until such a time your man, children and his family would be more than enough for you. 

Be sure you know what you are going into before you do so to avoid making life unbearable for this man you love so much.

Good luck.