Thursday, May 29, 2014

I don’t understand my parents in-law


Dear Agatha, 
I’m in my mid 50s and have been married for 22 years. Despite the challenges I have had in my marriage, I decided to put up with it because divorce is something I hate with a passion.
In our years together, I have never enjoyed the respect, support and appreciation of my wife and her parents.
 My father in-law treats my home as an extension of his home, giving orders and insisting they must be carried out at his own convenience irrespective of how busy one is. My mother in law on the other hand comes and goes as she likes. Sometimes, she would call on me to come and drive her to a party. Because I run my business, I keep tolerating this infringement on my time.
The funny thing is that I am comfortable and have never taken anything from them. But my offence is in marrying their first and only daughter. 
My wife on the other hand, at the slightest excuse, packs her things and goes back to her parents’ who on the other hand never bother to ask me what the problem between us is. They not only welcome her back home but take side with whatever story she tells them about me or whatever happened transpired.
My mother who is a victim of my father’s polygamy nature has severally had to beg me to keep accommodating my wife’s excesses because of the children. Actually, my mother’s experiences taught me the virtue of patience. I’m the only child left of the four children my mother gave birth to. Her mate killed all my siblings. I just escaped by divine intervention.
Because of this, I vowed against divorce and anything that would make me have a broken home.
But the one she did this last time has really broken the camel’s back. Unlike in the past when I would rush to apologise and endure the insults of her parents, I have made up my mind not to go begging her this time.
Before l left for work three weeks ago, she demanded I give her N200,000.00 to buyaso-ebi for a party her mother was organizing. Since I had just paid school fees, I pleaded with her that I don’t have such an amount of money and that she should give me time.
That was all. By the time I got home, she had left. Her parents as usual called to insult me. This time, I didn’t bother to go.
The worst thing is that she came back and took our last child who is 11. She also sent a text that I should bother to come for her.
I didn’t mind so much.  But the treatment her parents gave me at the party is the reason I’m writing to you. Right in the presence of other guests, her mother and father walked me out with my friends. The mother said, since I couldn’t pay for the aso-ebi for her daughter, what was I doing at the party.
The painful thing is that my wife was there, witnessed everything and didn’t say anything. Instead she was laughing at my disgrace with some of her friends.
I’m fed up. What do you think? Even my mother is asking me to let go of her. 
The real issue for me is how to recover my son with her. My eldest daughters are in the university and have vowed never to have anything to do with their mother or her parents.
As a matter of fact, my eldest daughter has for long urged me to allow her mother go and stop holding on to a marriage that is practically none existent.
I don’t want my son with her. I know she is purposely holding on to my son for selfish reasons. She doesn’t have time for any child. Already my son is complaining that he wants to come back home; that he doesn’t want to stay with her or the grandparents.
What do I do? How do I get my child back?
Dayo.

Dear Dayo,
For now, both of you are still married. So you do have the right to go over there and demand that your son returns home so he can resume school. And if his school has been changed, demand to know why his school was changed without your permission.
Neither your wife nor her parents have exclusive rights over the boy. Make it clear to your parents-in-law that while they have exclusive rights over their daughter, the boy remains your son hence they cannot take any decision concerning him without your permission.
If your wife insists, she is the mother hence has the right to do as she pleases with him, make it clear to her that while you have no intentions of allowing the issues between the two of you affect the children; you will however resist any attempts by her, her parents or anybody for that matter use any of your children as prawns for selfish reasons.
Tell her while she is free to divorce you, she cannot come between you and your children just as you don’t have any cause to prevent her from seeing her children if she so wishes.
Even though your son at 11 may need his mother, that doesn’t give her sole right to decide on what she feels is good for the child.
The only time she can do that is when a case has been established by the courts that you are irresponsible or lacks interest in the welfare of the child.
Besides, there is no case against you that requires the issue of keeping the child away from you.
According to my lawyer friend, you can establish a case against them if they refuse you to see your son. But you have to go first before lodging any complaints against your wife or her parents.
Besides, you must in the interest of the children, explore extra judicial means of resolving whatever the issues your wife has against you before making up your mind on what to do about the marriage.
From your account, her parents are really the problem in your marriage. this is because if she isn’t getting support and encouragement from them, she would have since changed and settled down fully to the responsibilities of married life.
To completely exonerate yourself from any future blame for the collapse of the marriage, call your eldest children to explain the situation between you and their mother. Also tell them why caused this latest problem and how you are worried about their brother and the future of the marriage.
Encourage them to see their mother and demand she returns home. Something tells me that the two of you can resolve your problems if you stop bowing to the commands of her parents and learn to be your own man by spelling your dos and don’ts to your wife.
Through your behavior of ready acceptance to every caprice and command of your in-laws since you married their daughter gave them the boldness to treat you the way they are doing. Had you resisted them long ago, they would since have known their limits and your wife, how to behave as a wife and mother.
Honestly, your docility gave your wife the impetus to become irresponsible and disrespectful to you. Yes, your mother kept appealing to you against having a broken home but allowing your parents the complete freedom to overrun your home isn’t a solution either.
With your kind of parents-in-law patience isn’t a virtue. It allowed them to turn you into a hen-pecked husband; who lacks the freedom to exercise his will as the man.
This is really the time for you to stand your grounds. No matter how much you desire it, don’t discuss the issue of your wife coming back to the house. Let her know through your actions that you no longer care and that you are fed up with her attitude towards the marriage. Beyond putting up a front, also make it a little bit difficult for her to come back when she wants to.
Insist, her coming back is dependent on certain factors you must spell out to her. One of them is packing out of the house whenever you both have any issue. Tell her in clear terms the next time it happens, she might as well not come back to your house.
Taking such a stance will not only come as a shock to them but communicate your tiredness at her and her family’s treatment of you. It will make them begin to consider you as man enough for their daughter and prompt them to be cautious of her they precede with you henceforth.
The truth is, you maybe making money to fend for your family but you haven’t been able to take the role of the head of your home. Through your behavior, you unknowingly submitted your home to your in-laws hence their effrontery to treat and talk to you anyhow they deem fit.
The only way you can fix the problem in your marriage is to take effective charge of your home.
Good luck.

How do I solve this problem with my husband and daughter?


Dear Agatha,
I’m in my early 50s and have been married for close to 18 years without a child. About 10 years ago, I noticed certain changes in my husband’s behavior. From his staunch support of me, he became lukewarm and started making statements I couldn’t understand.
Since I have been unable to give him a child, I naturally thought his bitterness had to do with that, hence I didn’t say anything to further aggravate the situation in my home.
About two weeks ago, he called me for a heart to heart discussion in one of the restaurants he and I usesoccasionally when we didn’t feel like eating at home. I thought it was to confirm my worst fear of him having a child outside our home. 
When I got there, he was in the company of a younger lady who from her appearance is very successful. The lady also brought with her three children, all very cute.
My heart sunk at the sight of this lady and her children. It meant only one thing; this was his other wife and children. I almost didn’t want to confront him and his family but he sighted me and beckoned me to come.
Against my will, I sat down and completely ignored the other lady and her children. I didn’t even bother to be nice to the baby who at sighting me wanted me to carry her and play with her.
My husband and the woman noticed my hostility but kept quiet.
After introducing me to the woman as his wife, he asked, if I can recognise the young lady before me. I asked him; if I should. He didn’t respond but shook his head in what appears to be annoyance.
 The lady too became so hostile and gathered her children to her bosom. After an uncomfortable spell of silence in which we ordered and eat our meals, he again instructed I take a good look at the lady before answering the question of whether I know the lady or not. 
At that point, I became furious and told both of them to go to hell. I stormed out on both of them. He didn’t bother to stop me and didn’t make any reference to that scene when he got home even though I was ready to fight him.
The following day was a Saturday. As early as 7 in the morning, members of my family, his’ and the lady and her children all assembled in my house. Not even the presence of my family stopped me from ordering the lady out of my house but my aunty, who after the death of my mother, now represents my mother, overruled me.
To cut the long story short; the woman turned out to be the daughter I had when I was in secondary school. I was in form 3 when I became pregnant with her. The head-boy who was responsible for the pregnancy didn’t deny the baby; his mother took over the child from me and despite attempts by both families to make me yield to seeing the child, I never did.
Instead I ran away from home; they didn’t know my whereabouts until a decade later when I came back home. Fortunately for me, I made something out of my life and by the time I came back, my mother out of depression at my behavior had died.
Since I didn’t bother to bring up the issue of the child, no member of my family did. In my heart she was dead which is why I never discussed her with my husband or the fact that I had a child before.
Now she was in my sitting room with my grandchildren-what an irony.
My aunty was the one who called my husband a decade ago to tell him of the child. Unknown to me, he traced her and made contacts with her and was even there on her wedding day. 
Since her father had died, he stepped into her life as her father.
Her children actually call him grandpa. Everybody in his family and mine are in the know. 
I haven’t been myself since that meeting. My daughter has refused to talk to me. My husband too is keeping his distance.
Agatha, please help me. I don’t know how to begin the process of thanking my husband for his love or making up with my daughter and grandchildren. 
Folakemi


Dear Folakemi,
You are confused on how to go about the process of thanking your husband because you married one of the best men in the world.
Had he behaved like the typical average male, you would have known how to beg and plead for pardon from a man you lied to about your past.
If he had gathered your family to ask them to take you away from his home, it wouldn’t have been so confusing for you to go on your knees to beg him for forgiveness.
You are confused because he has gone ahead of you to make peace with your daughter and buy you back happiness?
What you enjoy is a very special grace from God; a very rare kind you must not continue to take for granted if your past mistake is to be buried permanently.
The fact that your husband isn’t complaining about your conduct or isn’t angry over your concealment of this vital information doesn’t mean you shouldn’t explain your past to him.
He deserves your truth and explanations. It is a simple matter of waking him up at the dead of the night and telling him everything he needs to know about your past. What transpired between you and the father of your child, how you felt and what you did in the 10 years that nobody in your family could account for you.
Let him know precisely why you never wanted to have anything to do with the child as well as why you didn’t tell him.
Although you may not realize it yet, but guilt may have made you more determined to erase the past especially as you have been unable to have another children.
Give him the benefit to know how much you appreciate him and how you would understand if after what happened he elects to marry another woman. He has to understand that you are also willingly to make the kind of unusual sacrifice he made to reconcile you with your daughter and grandchildren.
In making this offer, make sure it comes from your mind. Bear in mind the kind of rare thing this man did for you. Frankly, you may not realize how much sacrifice your man has made for you but would when you begin to enjoy the company of your grandchildren and daughter.
It takes a different kind of love to make a man do what your husband did for you. The truth is, he has since forgiven you but is just waiting for you to explain so many things about your past to him. The fact that he didn’t ask for annulment of the marriage, didn’t come back home to fight and make life difficult for you or bring home another woman makes it absolutely important you answer all the questions agitating his mind. This is because you cannot ask for forgiveness without first clearing the webs of the past.
Afterwards, go on your knees and ask for forgiveness. Although it has taken him 10 years to build up his forgiveness, hearing you ask for it will wipe clean whatever doubts remains in his system.
As for your daughter, it is easy to get her to speak with you once you make peace with your husband. Having built a relationship with her, established his love for her as well as earn her trust and respect, getting her to come over to your place won’t be any problem to your husband.
But, you have to beg your daughter on your own. You hurt that woman who is today your only child. You have to really plead with her to forgive what you did to her when she was a baby and all the years you denied her existence even to yourself.
Humble yourself before her because if the truth be told, you are the one who needs her now; not her because if she has lived the critical stages of her life without you, she might as well pretend you are dead. Unlike her, you need her and your grandchildren to give light to your life, make you feel complete and happy as a woman.
The fact that your husband has in a way adopted her as his own makes it imperative for you to reach out and hold on to her. Though your biological child, she has become more of your husband’s than yours. When issues of life becomes this complicated and extremely complex, it becomes useless trying to explain one’s reasons for an action taken. You don’t have any excuse but to really beg your daughter to forgive you.
Agreeing to meet with you at that restaurant and coming to your house afterwards means she isn’t bitter anymore. Disappointed at you maybe, but the role your husband has assumed in her life has made it possible for her to understand your person.
She is only waiting for you to accept and love her as her mother.
Apologizing to her would make it possible for you to assume that role.
Good luck.

How do I tell her she isn’t the one for me?


agatha
With Auntie Agatha
gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
There is this good friend of mine, I have known since I was a child. She lived opposite our apartment with her parents.
I went to a boys’ secondary school where I gave my life to Christ while she attended an all girls’ secondary school but didn’t give her life to Christ.
Because we had nothing in common, we weren’t close. I come from a strong principled Christian home and the nature of my secondary school education didn’t give me much time to mingle with girls. By the time I entered the university, I could count the number of times I talked to members of the opposite sex outside my family members.
It was in the university my attitude towards women changed and I started to relate with women normally.
This opened a new chapter in our relationship. I was able to talk to her and with the help of God, she too gave her life to Christ. She started loving Jesus more than anything in the world; she didn’t need to tell me as I could see it all over her. Her born again experience was so drastic.
But something happened one day that is making me worried about the future. She told me about the prophesy she received in the programme she went for. She was told that she would marry a man of God.
After some months, she came back to tell me of a dream she had where I was anointed with olive oil after fighting a battle with some people.
She said, immediately the oil touched me, I received the strength and gift of healing and that anyone I touched shall be healed. She said in the dream, a voice told me that the two of us would end up forever.
Unfortunately for her, two days or thereabout before she came, God had already described the woman I was to marry. From what God told me, it wasn’t her.
She concluded that she and I would marry because I told her of my desire to be a pastor. Since I became born again, I know how God works with me.
After one near fatal experience where I disobeyed God and almost died, I have made a vow never to go outside His will for me.
This lady has a good character and the gift of wise counsel. Besides, she is zealous for God and ready to do anything for God. She is like that woman in Proverb 31.
The truth is that I cannot marry her but she has been demanding I pray about it. I haven’t told her  she isn’t the woman for me because am afraid if I do, she will run away from me and I don’t want to lose her friendship in my life. She is such a wonderful woman.
Should I tell her she isn’t the right woman for me? But the doctrine of my church stipulates that no marriage discussion should take place between a man and a woman until they are ready to marry; that is, a brother should not discuss marriage with any sister until the church permits him. As a matter of fact, the lady should not be aware of the intentions of the man at all. I don’t want to violate this rule. But in her church, it is different; they are free to say it.
Should I tell her now or later?
Uwadiegwu.

Dear Uwadiegwu,
It depends on your definition of friendship and the trust you attach to the word.
To whom much is given, much is expected. This lady has come to trust you with her life. She hasn’t hidden anything from you about what she feels and what she thinks she has heard from God.
By insisting you pray about it means she wants you to have a clear vision of what she thinks she has heard and giving you the chance to verify her message.
She is asking you for a second opinion to the message she has convinced herself she heard. By keeping quiet, you are in a way confirming her interpretations to the message she was given. This will make it impossible for her to look outside you to any other man whereas, if you come out with the truth you know, she will be opened to other offers.
By keeping quiet, you make it impossible for her to move on with her life. For a person who has a relationship with God; it is selfish especially as she is holding on because of the message she received.
If your friendship is divinely arranged, nothing will make her stay away from you now or in the future. Some people meet for a lifetime commitment to each other. Besides, her message maybe that both of you would work together in the vineyard of God; not necessarily marry. If she is gifted in counseling, surely as one aspiring to be a pastor, you would need her gift to ensure the stability of homes and lives of your members. In a way, you both would be together forever working for the purpose; God brought you into this world and His ministry.
If you fail to handle this delicate issue of her misinterpretations with the kind of maturity and wisdom it deserves, you risk destroying whatever working relationship God has in plan for both of you.
That your church doesn’t support such discussions is a doctrine; far removed from the ways of God. Therefore, you have to bow to the cardinal mandate of God on honesty and transparency at all times. This is a universal principle of God which no doctrine can override.
The truth here is, you have no intentions of marrying her because God has revealed your partner to you. So, keeping quiet about it whenever this lady brings up the issue of you and her getting married is deceptive; a spirit that can destroy all you have labored to build in the house of God.
Silence means consent. By not correcting her opinion you are giving her hope and fueling her dreams of becoming your wife in the future. Surely, the doctrine of your church cannot support this kind of deceit. If you aren’t careful your attitude may derail her beliefs as well as confidence in the words of the God she serves.
Have you also considered the fact too that she may have by passed the man meant for her because of the false hope you are giving to her?
Don’t ignore the fact that just as you find her so wonderful and worthy; so also do other men but are frightened to come near her because of her observed closeness to you.
For the sake of her happiness and value to God, call her and tell her the reason you don’t think both of you are meant to spend the rest of your lives together as man and wife. Explain to her the conversation between you and the spirit of God.
From what I know of God, He isn’t in the business of lying. His spirit is the same. What He tells you is what He shall tell another person.  If she truly knows the awesomeness of the God she serves, she will go back to Him for clarification and confirmation of what you are saying.
Chances are she may have misinterpreted the message because of her human weakness and desires to become your wife.
There is nothing objectionable and undesirably about her wish to become your wife. It is human so, don’t make her feel otherwise by refusing to come clean with her.
In a way too, you would have wished she was the one but since God’s ways are usually not the way we want things in life, she won’t feel offended by the truth. But she may never be able to forgive you for a long time if you refuse to come clean with her. Friendship is a certificate of trust; ensure you do everything to protect it from being damaged by being truthful and sincere always. Trust must always be unconditional and selfless.
Also pray for the wisdom of God in the handling of this matter.
Good luck.

I have a crush on him


Agatha
Dear Agatha,
I am 16 and almost done with my high school. I’m a tomboy with lots of male friends, but I’m having my first crush on my best friend and it is disturbing me a lot as I cannot concentrate on anything, including my studies. 
The thing is that some people say he loves me, but he hasn’t said anything to me. Although, I also suspect he loves me and isn’t saying anything because his ex-girlfriend just decided she wants him back.
What do I do now?
Confused Girl
Dear Confused Girl,
At age 16, you are very susceptible and confused about what you feel. Every strange feeling comes out as love to you. For this reason, you have to be extra careful you don’t fall victim of your own foolishness.
This is because you are yet to develop the concomitant self-control required to decipher when to apply the break that would help you retain control of your feelings and whatever situation you find yourself in.
Men don’t have the kind of challenges and issues women have with their bodies and future. While a man can get several women pregnant at the same time without having his life disrupted, a woman who gets pregnant at your age not only brings shame unto herself but, puts on hold her entire future.
No young girl purposely sets out to get pregnant. It just happens and she finds herself nursing a pregnancy and child she is ill equipped to care for. And it usually begins with a crush like the one you are having towards your best friend.
Many girls your age have gotten pregnant and their education terminated as a result of having a crush on the wrong man. At 16, you can easily become a prey for a man who has no scruples. Therefore, be careful and concentrate on your education because this is your best season to read and acquire all the necessary qualifications that will help situate you in life.
The best thing to do for now is to avoid being in his company alone. If possible, stay away from him because you cannot be trusted to maintain decorum within and around him given your present feelings towards him.
Fortunately, your examinations are around the corner; use that as a reason for wanting to be serious for now. Nobody can begrudge your wanting to excel in your examinations.
If he persists on wanting to continue the friendship, insist you are not very satisfied with your current grades and wouldn’t want to disappoint your parents who are expecting you to come out with excellent grades.
Fortunately, his ex-girlfriend is back in the picture; encourage him to make up with her. This will water down his attention on you and give you the opportunity to kill whatever feelings you are brewing in your heart for him.
The other thing is to indeed concentrate on your studies. At 16, you are just sprouting like the beautiful young butterfly. For a long time, you won’t be lacking in male attention. Therefore, you have plenty of time to fall in love, get your heart broken and mended.
But for now, concentrate on your studies. Don’t make it just an excuse; ensure you have a wonderful result to show your parents at the end of your secondary school days.
To help you appreciate the precarious position of a woman, let me use the orange as an example of the worth of a young girl who refuses to get her priorities right. Once the juice of an orange is sucked, it becomes useless. So also is a young girl who refuses to preserve herself.
Once you mess up yourself, it would be almost impossible for you to earn back your place in the society.
Again, because of the overwhelming power of the hormones surge in your system, it may not exactly be in your interest to always be in the company of too many boys. Like you, your male friends are also experiencing these massive changes in their bodies and may not be able to control their emotions when exposed to a female company. At your ages, you are all going through life changing experiences that require maturity to control. For now, you all lack that experience hence the need to avoid temptations.
Most of the misadventures teenagers get into are mostly not pre-planned. They just happen even before they have the chances to think of the consequences.
Many of you are just beginning to experience all the reactions of the adult world and sex, being the underlining factor can happen with anybody and at any moment.
Besides, you cannot tell what these boys you surround yourself with have in mind. One or two of them may not be on the same page with you. You need time to mature and root your future firmly in the ways of God.
In addition, as you have found out, emotional relationship between members of the opposite sex can be engaging and time consuming. If you are not careful, it could consume all of your time; precious time you would have invested on your studies would be wasted on a venture that is valueless to you now.
This is why this important period of your life must be devoted to your education only. Being a child yourself, you cannot afford to make mistakes that will make you inferior to your classmates and age group in future. How would you feel if a mistake happens and you are forced to do nappies and baby food while your mates are going to school?
Boys don’t have any kind of responsibility that Mother Nature has bestowed on women.
For your own good and progress in life, kill that crush you have for this young man now. It isn’t worth your time, attention and energy. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing out of place in what you feel, but the timing is wrong.
Trust me, there will always be other men by the time you are old and mature enough to handle.
Good luck.