Two Years After Our Wedding Doctors Confirm Us Incompatible…

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for the wonderful work you have been doing in the lives of your fellow Nigerians in answering and advising them rightly on different issues. May God Almighty preserve, guide and empower you more for us and your family.

Agatha, please I have been nursing this problem for some time now and do not know what to do or how to go about it, hence my sharing it with you.  

I got married under the native laws and customs two years ago. Unfortunately she hasn’t been able to take in since then. Each time she is about to take in, she develops severe abdominal pains and before we know it, she starts bleeding. It has become frequent with her. 

Since we didn’t know what was causing it all, we recently went for a test, which revealed she has urinary tract infection and high typhoid. But the problem now is that the result also revealed that my genotype and hers are same. We are both AS, though my blood group is (O+) and hers (B).

According to our doctor, it is not medically advised we get married. I didn’t tell her what the doctor said, because I really don’t know how to present the matter to her without causing her emotional problems. To be double sure that the results were correct, I persuaded her that we go for another series of tests to make sure all was well with both of us. The results confirmed what the first tests said.

It has been two years of our staying under one roof and we both love each other dearly. But how do I tell her what the doctor said? Will she not think I want to dump her for another woman since she is unable to get pregnant? I have been keeping it a secret from her. I told my Dad and he said I should give her the result to read or tell her straight away, but I felt that is not right. She might collapse and anything can happen. Please help me out.

Blessed Mike.

Dear Blessed Mike, 

For how long do you intend shielding her from the truth? She will eventually get fed up of her situation and seek answers outside of you. By then trying to explain to her that you have always known about the situation would not be well received by her. 

What you are trying to avoid would eventually happen, it is either she accuses you of being wicked by your act of keeping the information from her or deliberately wasting her time for your selfish purpose. 

Since she is literate, give her the results of the two tests you did. Don’t say anything, just allow her read, assimilate the contents, see and hear her reactions before telling her the implications of what she has just read. If possible, take her back to the doctor for him to personally explain in simple English the implications of both of you coming together in marriage. 

You must make sure she understands the issues involved first. It is the only way she can assist you in looking for workable alternatives. That you are both AS doesn’t automatically mean all your children would be SS. Just as you are likely to have children with SS genotype, so also are you likely to have children with a AA genotype. There is advancement in modern technology that enables doctor know from the first few weeks of conception if the baby is Sickle Cell or not. If detected to be, the foetus is terminated to save the parents the headache of having a Sickle Cell child.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Listening to the doctor’s submission would erase any doubts she may have about your motive.

Besides, if your relationship has always been trust driven, there is no reason for her to suspect you of wanting to dump her. 

However, you must be careful about the options you are presenting to her. Whether you are yet to marry in the church or not, the fact remains that under the law, both of you are married. What you have not done is marry under the marriage act, but under the native and customs laws of our land, your marriage is legal. So, the issue of asking her to go doesn’t arise. As a matter of fact, it shouldn’t be the first option you should be pushing forward. 

Granted, this is a very serious medical problem, but one which requires God given wisdom to tackle. The important thing here is not to make her feel as if she is the problem within the union. It is neither her fault nor yours that you are both AS. Had both of you gone for this important test before marrying, it would have been a different thing. Both of you married in ignorance. This should be clearly understood so she doesn’t feel like the sacrificial lamb.

You are contemplating leaving her because you feel you can have children with another woman with ease. What if the problems were purely yours, that of infertility on your part, would the thoughts of you abandoning her cross your mind?

Honestly, this decision isn’t yours to make alone. It is something you both must discuss extensively. Even if your mind is made up to abscond from the marriage, please give her the opportunity to be involved in the final decision you both make. None of you bargained for this, but since it has happened, a human face to the issue must be sourced, one that will not further hurt the sensibility and vulnerability of both of you, especially your wife who would be worst hit by all these.

It isn’t as if she is infertile, just that you both have a medical reason not together. But the fact remains that both of you are married so nullifies the option the doctor is giving you. In addition to expanding your knowledge more on the issue, go to a teaching hospital nearest to you. Get a referral from your doctor. Teaching hospitals are better equipped in this country to handle issues like this. You will get to know what is expected of both of you should the worst happen and you have a Sickle Cell child. Unlike before when Sickle Cell children were doomed from the beginning, advanced technology has also made management of the condition less stressful. Equipping yourself with modern information on the condition would go a long way in giving you fresh perspective into the whole thing.   

While you pursue the medical options, think of other options you and your wife may want to look at. 

How many children do you both plan to have? Ask the doctor the birth that is most likely to result in Sickle Cell. From this early make up your mind that you and your wife won’t push yourselves beyond your luck. 

There is also the option of adoption if the situation persists. 

It wouldn’t have been a different ball game if you were just boy and girlfriend. But you are both married, which makes it more complex situation to handle. There is no situation true love cannot cope with. 

Should you leave her to marry another wife, what guarantees do you have that this other woman would give you the same quality of happiness as you are having with this woman irrespective of the medical problems you are both facing? What assurances do you have that the other woman would give you children? Ensure all avenues to the problems are critically considered before making a final decision because to rush in a decision now might be an emotional suicide.

Problems are to be solved, in other not to make a mistake you will end up regretting for you the rest of your life, why not take time out to first of all go to God in prayers. Allow His wisdom to direct you on how to go. What you think is a challenge now may not be at the end of the day and what you think is a solution may actually be well of complicating issues. 

Good luck.

Doubting Her Sincerity To Marry Me

Dear Agatha, 

Please, help me once again concerning my teenage sweetheart. Between September last year and December, I was responsible for the provisions of her daily needs. 

Being in Abuja for university education, she request of me to help provide her accommodation since I stay on campus. Although, I promised last year to help her out on this, I later changed my mind, because of what happened between my ex-fiancée and me.

I eventually spoke to a friend of mine who lives in Abuja to help accommodate her for me. He agreed and told me she would live with his sisters. 

When I told her of the arrangement I made, she declined insisting she wanted a place of her own. I then gave her the go ahead to look for a house. Last month she called to say she has gotten an accommodation, and that she wanted to share the place with a friend of hers so they can share the bills equally. 

She sent me a text message days later to inform me that someone else was about renting the house they saw, and so asked if I was still going to help her as promised. I was very angry when I got the text because it was devoid of any romantic sentiments. For all she cares, I could be just another person in her life. I didn’t bother to reply the text message and didn’t call either.  She however called me on Feb 13, to wish me a Happy Valentine. She also requested we chat online. When she came online, I took the opportunity to present her with the package I have in mind for her, a marriage proposal I told her I would be coming back home in Easter to implement. I told her I needed her response since I plan on buying the wedding things before coming back to the country. 

To my shock, she told me marriage is not something we can discuss online that, besides she doesn’t know me, despite the fact that she and I have known each other for 12 years. 

She told me that she asked me for money to get an accommodation, but I refused because I don’t care about her. I was angry and told her that I am now convinced she wants me for the money she can milk from me and not because she cares for me in any way. 

To my dismay, she told me she was ready to refund whatever amount of money I have spent on her. I really don’t know what this woman wants from me. I love her so much, what should I do to have her, Agatha? 

At 32, I need a mother of my children not just a wife. Besides, my mother is desirous I get married.
Worried Anewday.

Dear Worried Anewday,

Why make promises you have no intentions of honouring? Sincerely, it marks you out as someone who isn’t serious and grossly uncaring. The ability to honour one’s promises underscores the worth of that person. That you kept making promises to this woman you knew you had no intentions of keeping is wrong even if you have reasons to doubt her love for you.  The real test of our worthiness as human beings is our ability to keep to our words at all times because the God who created us decreed us into existence as well as the world we live in by the power of words. 

If she is angry due to your inability to keep to the promises you made to her, she has the right to be. At this point, it is not her motive for dating you that is the issue, but that you have failed to make good your promises to her.  For this reason, you are wrong in the sense that you made her hope on something you knew from the beginning you had no intentions of keeping. 

Had you told her from the beginning when she requested you rent a place for her that you are not in the position to do so or won’t do it because of your experiences with your ex, then she would have been wrong to go ahead to look for a place and insist you pay for it. Not only did you make a u-turn, but also attempted to force her into a situation that could have ignited another problem. Asking her to go and live with your friend, someone she doesn’t know instead of the house you promised her wasn’t fair. And when she complained, rather than telling the reason you are foot-dragging on the house issue, you again promised to send her money, which you also didn’t keep. If the truth must be told, there is no way she can be happy with you or ever take serious another promise from you. You may have taken care of her in the past, all these you did because you wanted to and not because of a promise you made to her. 

How is she sure your marriage proposal isn’t another empty promise, one you would again have reasons not to fulfill? 

This is the impression you have to work at clearing from her mind. She must know at every point in the relationship that you are dependable. 

Because of the problems generated by the clumsy way you handled the issue of her accommodation, you should have waited until you came back to discuss the issue of marriage. She is right, things like that don’t get discussed in haste especially as you both live so far apart. 

Knowing each other for 12 years is quite different from knowing if you both have the right kind of quality for marriage. She has to know who you really are, and you know who she really is. Image may be everything for motivational speakers and advertisers, but when it comes relationships and marriages, it takes more than image to make it work. It takes peeling the surface of the package, peeping into the real substance of one’s partner to know if the person is worth spending one’s life with. 

From your story, you and this lady are, at best, familiar strangers. From everything that is happening between the two of you, it is very obvious that you both are holding the wrong end of the stick. You both need time to clear up the misconceptions generated by the house fiasco to be able to move forward. 

Don’t give up on her yet. Yes, her attitude may appear frightening and disappointing to you, but so also is your own attitude.

Resist the temptation of allowing what your former girlfriend did to you influence your current relationship. It would be the greatest mistake and injustice to yourself and this lady, because such negative feeling will never allow you to settle sufficiently into another relationship and give it the necessary boost to work.

Having made up your mind to quit your previous relationships, bury all the memories of what happened between you and your ex. Allow your new girlfriend make her mistakes just as you are susceptible to making yours. These mistakes are what give your relationship character and proper definition. If you are unable to define who both of you are based on these mistakes, it will be difficult to grow your relationship.

Coming back home will give you both the opportunity to study each other, observe some salient points which nobody ever mentions, but are crucial to the overall success of your living together. 

Be honest enough to tell her your misgivings about her as well as your reason for not keeping your promises to rent a house for her. Let her know about your hidden fears, generated in you by your ex. Properly handled by you, she will come to understand you better just as you are also expected to give her the freedom to operate as herself. 

That your mother is expecting you to get married or that at your age, you ought to be married isn’t enough reason for you to take a blind leap into the institution without clearing some basic hurdles that are capable of making your marriage regrettable. 

God never does anything without a reason. Go to God in prayers, because this concerns Him more than you. Without the right woman by your side to compliment your efforts, create the right environment at home for you to function as a man, give the right kind of understanding to make you succeed at your business or career, exercise the right kind of patience to give you confidence as a man even when all the indices are pointing to the opposite, it will be difficult for you to achieve your dreams in life. To this end, you must ask God to point you at the right kind of woman whose passion will be to make you happy even when you are very naughty. She has to be a friend to be able to forgive you anything.

Good luck.

What Can I Do To Win Him Forever?

Dear Agatha, 

I really appreciate the way you solve problems. I am a civil servant in Akwa Ibom State. The man I am dating is also a civil servant. We have been together for sometime now and hoping to get married some day. Although he hasn’t mentioned anything to that effect, but I keep hoping he would ask me to marry him. 

However something happened recently that is giving me cause for concern. I went to his place that night to visit when a text message came into my phone from a man I knew before I met him. Because he was with my phone, he opened the text message to read it. Unfortunately, this man and I had since gone our separate ways following a misunderstanding we had. Besides, I wasn’t so much in love with him. 

In the text, he was apologising and declaring his love for me. 

He became very angry with me after reading the text message and refused to speak with me throughout the night. He also transferred the text message to his home for him to show his parents and friends. 

On Valentine’s Day, I went with some gifts I bought for him to his house, hoping his anger would have abated, but I still met him very angry. Though he collected the items from me, he still wasn’t ready to talk to me and still isn’t talking to me. He is also refusing to call me on phone.

Agatha, I love him very much and would want to marry him, but given the present situation, I don’t know what to do. I need your advice.

Christy.

Dear Christy, 

Precisely when did you and this man stop dating and for how long have you been with your current boyfriend?

The issue with him might not be the text message, but the impression created by the content of the message. Anyone would think you and this man are still dating, and that the issue between both of you is very recent. 

The content of the text didn’t suggest that you have left him for long. This is what you must explain to this man. That a man you claimed to have left long ago sent a message to you, saying you should forgive him that he still loves you, would make anyone wonder at the hint of freshness the message conveys.

This is the issue you must clarify immediately. The contents of the message calls to question your integrity as a woman, dents whatever trust he has in you and until you convince him of your innocence and trust-worthiness, he may not trust you enough to want to have anything to do with you. 

Another issue the text message threw up, which you must quickly address, is that of his place in your life. You must urgently assure him of your unconditional love, letting him know that your relationship with him isn’t a rebound. That the other man’s misbehaviour has nothing to do with the feelings you have for him. That you are with him on account of respect and love you have for him. Because of the way the text message came, he may be under the impression that you are with him on account of the way the other man treated you. By assuring him that he means a lot to you, and that your decision to enter into a relationship with him isn’t because the other man treated you badly, would go along way in also salvaging the situation between the two of you. 

Since he is refusing to talk to you, look for a mutual friend, one he respects, to accompany you to go and plead with him for a listening ear. The important thing now is for him to give you the chance to explain what truly happened. 

However, before you go all out to beg for understanding, it is essential you know what you really want from life. Is this man your dream man? Do you see yourself happy with him for the rest of your life? Are you with him because you are desperate to marry? What about the other man? What do you really feel for him? When issue like this happens, it is imperative, you understudy yourself with a view of taking an honest decision concerning which of these men is capable of making a good husband. Often times, God works in ways we don’t understand and appreciate. So go to Him and ask through prayers first to know the right thing to do.

By studying the two men with the honesty it deserves, you will be able to make the right choice. The bottom line is for you to be very honest with your feelings, dealings and choice. 

Good luck.