Saturday, March 14, 2009

I’m A 32-year-old Virgin


Dear Agatha,

I am a 32-year-old man. I am still a virgin and would be getting married in two months time to a woman who is also a virgin.

The issue now is I’m apprehensive over what and how to go about the whole process of deflowering my wife. I’m actually dreading that night because I don’t have any idea of what to do.

I know this may sound strange but I need your help. I want you to provide me with guidelines on what to do on that day. It may sound laughable but it’s urgent and very serious to me.

A.K.



Dear A.K,

I would begin by commending you and your partner as well as acknowledge my own difficulties at this task I have been given by you.

I plead for forgiveness if in the process of solving this problem, I use words that may sound offensive to some.

Lovemaking is an act that comes naturally. It comes from our primitive knowledge and is embedded in our subconscious. Just like the infant knows instinctively how to get milk from its mother’s breasts. No mother teaches the child what is natural to it.

So it is with lovemaking. It is natural. Once you are ready, something deep in you will awaken the primeval thirst and need in you and your partner. The act and knowledge of lovemaking is one that is as old as time and basic to every animal.

It is a knowledge God gave to each and every one of us. So, on that score you really don’t have anything to worry about. The beat and rhythm all lovers dance to in that moment of passion also is timeless and natural. You cannot miss the sound of music it evokes in the soul.

However, you need imagination and help to remove it from something a couple has to do out of an obligation to something, which must be done because it is enjoyable.

Trust me, these things do not come from the first experience. Like an old wine it takes maturity and selfless investment to get the act to premium blend. The reason being that you are both coming into the game fresh and naïve.

What you should do as the leader of the team on your first outing and to make it easy for both of you is to concentrate on knowing where your erotic zones are. To do this, you have to begin from the scalp to the sole of your feet. Don’t be shy. Your explorations would make her initiation into womanhood less painful and most memorable.

Use both your lips and fingers lightly all over her body and let her replicate the same on your body. Apart from helping you both know how to proceed consequently, it would help also her a great deal relax sufficiently to receive you without too much pains and discomfort.

It would also help you get over the anxiety of your first experience, which can be very tedious if both parties are tensed up. Foreplay, more often than not, helps the woman more to achieve satisfaction.

However, a lot would depend on your attitude and beliefs. Our sexual performances and adaptations come from what we parade outside the bedroom. If you are one of those who think that sex is purely for the purpose of procreation, it may take a while for you and your partner to come around to appreciating the recreational side of it. So, a great deal of how you perform on your first outing would come from what has been entrenched into you by your family and the church.

If sex is seen by you as forbidden, something to be hidden under the blanket, you may not be able to fully realise the full potentials that come from it. Therefore, you have to first revisit your personal view on sex. What are those views? Are they fashioned along the extreme line of sex being dirty and a topic decent people don’t discuss or a more liberal view of it being a natural thing between man and woman?

This is the major issue you have to deal with first because there is no way you can be receptive of changes or any meaningful suggestion if you come from the old extreme school that brands sex as black thing, one even married couples should do in complete darkness where there would be no ray of light for the couples to appreciate each other’s bodies. Coming from that sort of background would make it almost impossible for you to loosen up on your first time.

Therefore, you need to change your orientation first before D-day. To do this, you have to learn to debrief yourself of the things you have being made to think about sex. You and your partner have to sit and discuss what your attitudes to sex would be outside your folks and brethren. To help you both, you have to understand in clear and unsentimental terms what sex is and its importance in marriage.

You have to understand that once sex is tasted, it cannot be locked away, especially if you both live and sleep under the same roof. A man and woman can ignore sex if they have never tasted it before or not exposed to the chemistry of each other’s bodies. Therefore, as a married couple you cannot treat sex the same way you treated it as a dating couple. To do that would be to destroy your marriage even before it begins.

In examining the place of sex, you must X-ray your collective dreams and goals for the marriage. A couple’s sexual attitude is embedded in their dreams for coming together. If your reason for marrying is simply to have a legal platform to have children, then sexual enjoyment may not be prime on your list, which means you can afford to go into the voyage with or without a self-help manual. But if your intention of marrying this woman is to make her happy, to befriend her, to have a companion who gives you all the satisfaction in the world emotionally, physically and spiritually, efforts must be made by you to get a self-help manual.

While both of you are coming as virgins, the onus is on you to help her with the most minimal discomfort. For most women the first experience forms their attitude to the act of lovemaking afterwards. You must take her away from sex to the world where love is created and made.

To help you further, there are books on the subject. Although these books come with graphic illustrations on possible positions for couples, they are not pornographic materials. They are honest and healthy materials couples on the constant look out for excitement within their homes can buy.

At every point in your marriage learn to be honest about your wants and needs to enable both of you make the necessary adjustments that come with such changes. You both must never shy away from experimenting or introducing new techniques as well as suggestions. It is all part of the game of growing your sexual patent.

Good luck.