I Want To Leave My Sick Husband

Dear Agatha,

I thank God for creating a person like you. God will continue to increase your wisdom as you are using it to help people. 

The problem I am about to share with you has persisted for a long time. I am in my late 20s. I married very early to a man I did not like at the time I married him. Over the years, I have, however, grown to love him very much. This is because he is everything that every lady desires in a man. Our marriage is 10 years old and we are still awaiting the fruits of the womb. 

But the worst happened in December 2006 when he went down with stoke, leading to the breakdown of mobility over his right hand side. It also affected his voice. 

I have done everything within my power to put him on his feet again but to no avail. To cap it all, he is also diabetic. The doctors say the stroke affected his brain and that only the grace of God can heal him. 

Though, I promised to be with him no matter what, as a human being, I now feel everything is getting too long. Agatha, I’m thinking of leaving him because I have my needs as a woman and I don’t want to be sleeping around while still married to him. My parents think I should leave him just as I am thinking, but I feel I am too young to handle this problem alone. No one has bothered to ask me how I have been coping with his medical bills and house rent for almost four years now. Please, I need your advice on how to leave him without me causing his death as he is depending on me for now.

Again, there is this guy that I was dating before I got married. Everybody around had assumed he would be my husband. But I disappointed him by getting married to my present husband and now we have met again. We met when I travelled home. He is still single. Agatha is it right for us to be together again?  

Worried Woman.

Dear Worried Woman, 

Sincerely, I appreciate your dilemma and the longing inside you. What you feel is normal given the fact that you have been used to intimacy with your husband. 

To have that suddenly taken away from you must have taken a lot from you especially as you see him but can’t have him touch you as he used to. It can be a very trying period for any woman bound by obligations to be faithful and helper to her husband  in his trying moments. 

You are only human to want to quit the marriage and look for emotional solace in the arms of another man. Unfortunately, marriage is for better for worse, in sickness and health, in riches and in poverty until death does you both apart. 

Were it possible for many of us to take a peep into the crystal ball before going on with our plans to marry a particular person, many of us would have backed out of our marriage plans. This is because marriage is like a wrapped gift whose contents become only visible after going into it and which also, like a budding flower, opens up its content bit by bit.

Heartless as this may sound, this man has been more than a husband to you for 10 years, so much so you rated him the best of everything a woman would want in a man. He didn’t ask to be sick or desire to be in the condition he currently is now. Nobody wants to be bed-ridden, completely dependent on another person to perform the most basic of nature’s call. 

He isn’t finding the situation funny too. Do you know what it feels like to him? Simply because he can’t talk doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel the longing anymore but he is restricted by his bad health to be the man he used to be to you. Whereas you have the good health to contemplate walking away from it all, he doesn’t have such liberty hence his complete dependence on you.  

If you were in his shoes, how would you feel if the person who shared your best years is unwilling to give the same length of time to share your worst moments? How would you feel if he is the one contemplating replacing you simply because the doctors have ruled your case as being very bad?

Were he the one who met his old friend while you are in that condition and given the same reasons you are now giving to abdicate his responsibilities to you, would you be able to ever forgive him for leaving you when you need him the most?

Nobody ever said life is easy, particularly marriage. Were you contemplating leaving on the grounds of cruelty and abandonment, it would have been a different matter, but to leave a man who has been so good to you on grounds of his health state, falls short of what is expected of a married woman. No matter how and what you feel, you owe this man your presence and support, even if not as a husband and lover but as a friend who shared his bed and life for 10 years or more with you.

Something must have made you stay with him all these while even if you claim you didn’t love him at first. The point is, when you finally got to know him, he became your Mr. Right. 

There is nothing that happens to any person or thing in heaven and on earth that God isn’t aware of; but because our lives are sectioned into seasons and time, he deliberately allows us go through some situations to judge our resilience as well as our ability to stay within our vows to him. Before God and man, you promised to stay faithful to this man and be with him until one of you dies. 

Granted there are some unpalatable situations we find ourselves which sometimes necessitate us to pack it all up. However, to leave this man now is to hasten his death. You have a right to be happy but he has a right over you as his wife.

The essence of a good marriage is the ability for it to endure crisis like yours. What happens if something happens to this other man? Would you leave him on account of it too? Life is always a very funny mix. There are always challenges in any choice we make. 

The difference always lies in our approach to life and issues. He remains your husband because you made the choice to be with him; your marriage vows stressed on sickness and in health. 

Your parents are also being human in asking you to leave because they feel the burden is too much for you to bear all alone. But ask them this question: how would your father feel if his wife abandons him to sickness or your mother if she would leave her husband simply because he is ill? Also, ask them if the case was in the reverse, how they would have felt if he is the one whose parents are pressurising him to leave you?

He remains your husband - whether bed-ridden or not. Much as I appreciate your other concerns to be happy with another man and have children of your own, marriage isn’t a fair-weather commitment. It is an embodiment of the good, the bad and the ugly. Until God says it is over, it isn’t over for either of you. 

Rather than devote your time to thinking or quitting, why not handover the issue to God for his will to be done? There is nothing you can do on your own without the support of God, else you risk another heartache. 

Had you committed your decision to marry to God from the beginning, perhaps things wouldn’t have turned out this way. Trust me, the burden will be a lot easier on if you hand it over to God entirely. Yes, the frustration of caring for him may be taking its toll on you but there is nothing entrusted to God that ever fails. 

He has all the situations we are in, in total control. Always remember this man needs you now more than ever before. Would you abandon a friend in need? It would make the task easier if you see him as a friend and not a husband. 

Good luck.

Can I Marry My Late Fiancée’s Sister?

Dear Agatha, 

I dated my late fiancée for four years before she died. Two years after, her younger sister not only persuaded me to be her boyfriend but she is now asking that we get married. Please advise me.

JFY.

Dear JFY, 

What do you want? The truth is that when it comes to whom to marry, it is a very personal decision. Irrespective of whatever anyone tells you now, the choice remains solely yours. 

The thing is for you to be comfortable with your choice and the situation you find yourself. If you and this lady are comfortable with the choice you are now making, can confront your families with your relationship, persuade  those around you that while your late fiancée was alive, you and her sister didn’t engage in any illicit affair, nothing stops you both from going ahead.

But it is imperative you subject your feelings for her to a powerful microscope to determine what precisely your feelings for her are about. One thing is to be pressured into a relationship; another is to be persuaded into marriage. Your desire to spend the rest of your life with someone must come from the depth of your heart. This is important if you and your partner hope to survive the turbulent waters that marriage is. 

Without a concomitant desire for her from your side, the marriage may not be able to withstand the attendant storm that comes with every marriage. A marriage is as good as the commitment, tolerance, friendship, patience and trust invested in it. If you marry this girl, do you have the kind of feelings that made you stay with her sister for four years? Do you have the determination to overcome unforeseen disappointments in her behaviour and person? This is usually the tricky, cowardly and slippery side of marriage. Many marriages have been known to collapse due to these things. The agreement to combat these vices come from a heart that is sure of what it wants, feels and desires from the other person. 

Would you have the same kind of commitment towards her? Will you be able to tolerate her excesses? Is she your friend? Do you have the same outlook towards life? Marriage goes through all the processes in life - the high, low, slippery, tough, straight and bent turns. All these need more than a passing interest to overcome. 

Therefore, the essence of your self-examination is to ensure you have what it takes to build the determination to constantly take your marriage to the next level.

These are more frightening than what others feel. People may tell you it isn’t right or right for you to date your late girlfriend’s sister. These aren’t always as important as the reasons I have stated. 

After examining the quality of your feelings for her, sit her down and tell her what you feel for her. If you don’t feel like doing her demands, then be truthful to her. You are not under any obligations to date her at all. What you and your late girlfriend shared had nothing to do with her. So, don’t allow yourself be pressured into doing anything you don’t want to.

If, however, you know she would make you a good companion, sit her down to re-evaluate your relationship since it started. You must take control of the relationship from her. Even though she initiated it, once your mind is made up, let her know how you feel and jointly set an agenda for the relationship. 

The danger of allowing her to continue to dominate the relationship is that of losing her after a while. No matter how much she desires you now, a time will come when she would question her sanity at pursuing a man who seems not interested in her. Therefore, to avoid doubts in her mind about your feelings towards her, good wisdom demands you tell her your feelings for her.

When couples leave their feelings to chance, pretend they know what the other person is thinking, it usually destroys what could have been a beautiful relationship. If you have made up your mind to go ahead, go out of your way to woo her, making it clear that you see what she sees in you. Make her happy and not constantly worried if she is doing the right thing going out with the man who dated her late sister. 

However, to be sure you are on the right track, it is best to go before God in prayers to forestall any spiritual corruption that might accompany your decision to go ahead with the relationship especially if the death of your late girlfriend is shrouded in some mystery. 

Good luck.

His Promises Good, But I’m Not Ready

Dear Agatha, 

I am 16 years of age and will be writing my Joint Admission Matriculation Examinations, (JAMB). There is this man asking for my hand in marriage but he is married. He promised to take care of me, fund my education even if I don’t marry him at the end of the day. I don’t want to go into a relationship for now. But it appears I don’t have the right to say no because my mother insists I must accept the offer. I would be grateful if you tell me how to get out of this mess. 

Precious.

Dear Precious, 

You may be 16 but that doesn’t deprive you of the right to decline this man’s  offer irrespective of the position of your mother. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. It isn’t all the time that parents are on the right track. Your mother is certainly wrong to want you not only to marry at 16, but to a man who is married. In Nigeria of today, it is against the law because constitutionally you are still a minor.

This is your life, your future and your everything. Nobody, not even your parents, have the right to persuade you to do something that would injure that future. 

At 16, you should be trying to protect and nurture your future with the right kind of manure not dating a man who is married simply because he says he would sponsor your education. You are not his responsibility and this offer isn’t right. What he is asking for is the right to your body in exchange for money to pay for your education. What you must understand is, this man isn’t under any obligation to you. After having the pleasure of your body, he could if he decides, leave you for another younger lady. The interest of this man is not in you or what becomes of your future. He is only out to take advantage of your youth, suck your innocent juice and throw you away like a sucked orange. 

What happens if you get pregnant? Do you see yourself ending up as second wife to this man who is perhaps old enough to be your father? How would you feel seeing your friends going to school, having the freedom of their youth while you are tied down to premature motherhood and matrimony?

This perhaps is the time to ask your mother what she thinks of you as her child and what plans she has for you as a mother. Reverse the pressure she is putting on you by asking her reasons for conceiving you. Poverty isn’t an excuse for what she is asking you to do. There are a lot of people your family is better off than. A mother determined to negotiate the best for her children, especially her daughters would never condone anything that would tamper with their future. A lot of women have been known to sell their clothes, take on menial jobs to insure the future of their children. 

If your father is unable to offer you the adequate protection you need to avert the emotional disaster your mother is urging you into, look for people who have a lot of influence over her to report the matter to. Urge them to help intervene and make your mother appreciate that your well-being is paramount to you. 

Since it appears that finance is the reason she wants you to marry this man, offer to do some trading for her along the line to bring in the money you would need to pay for your examinations. It might be dirty and some of your friends bound to make fun of you but you will eventually be the one to laugh because against all odds you kept your dignity.

As a young lady, always bear this in mind, that challenges are part of everyday life. There is never a short cut to success despite what those who think they are smart say about their ways. Often than not, the price they end up paying are too high for any human being to pay. Mostly, they end up with more scores of failures, regrets and anguish than if they had waited to take the normal longer but credible route to success. 

Hard work doesn’t kill; only the lazy get killed in their bid to cut corners. From the attitude of your mother, it is obvious if you want an education, you have to get it the hard way. If you are resolute, God will provide you with something to do without you debasing your future or womanhood. 

It’s unfortunate you aren’t in Lagos, but I know that God, who sees everything will send you a helper to see you through this. Whatever happens, don’t be rude to your mother. Just insist you won’t live your life from her perspective. It may take you longer than it would ordinarily have taken you but be sure that God will make way for you to complete that which he has started in your life.

My dear, it shall be well with you.

Good luck.

Dear Readers, 

I spoke with Precious to find out more about her. She lives in Oghara with her mother. She is currently an SSS 1 student of Oghara Secondary School. She intends writing her JAMB next year. If there is any way someone in Oghara who can help find out more about her in this school, it would be easier to know how to channel help to her.

Agatha.

My Wife Is Impossible Because She’s The Breadwinner

Dear Agatha,

Please help me. My marriage of several years is going down the drain. My wife and I are both workers in the church, as well as very respected elders. It won’t be out of place to call us the typical born again. Our parents were very strict Christians of the Apostolic Faith Church. 

Our marriage was good because as a bank manager I could afford to take good care of my family.

My wife didn’t complete her education because we compromised and she got pregnant. Due to the strictness of our church doctrine and to protect the image of our parents, we rushed into marriage without praying about it. Even when our parents were asking questions, we lied about God giving us the approval to marry. The second one came almost immediately after the first child so she couldn’t continue with her school. By the time she indicated interest in going back to school, I felt it wasn’t necessary because the children were still very young. 

Besides, I felt the children were better with their mother around them so insisted on her running her own business. I even helped her along the line to get some contracts from some of my friends. 

I knew she was jealous of some of my female colleagues but since there was nothing to defend I didn’t think much of it.

However, I lost my job during the consolidation period and haven’t been able to get any, forcing me to depend on my savings and money made by my wife from her businesses. 

Since she became the breadwinner, not only has she changed but has abdicated the care of the children and home to me. I now cook, tend to the house, as well as the children while she claims to be busy looking for money for the family. If I protest, she barks and has now become so rude that everybody has noticed including our families. She doesn’t allow my people in the house anymore, insisting as the head of the family she cannot afford to provide for them as well as her children.

Although she graciously bought me a car when my former car broke down and gave me some money when I first lost my job, things are really bad at home. One of her grouses is that I didn’t allow her go back to school. I have tried unsuccessfully to talk to her. Each time I try, she insults me.

I am really fed up with all the insults and humiliation she is subjecting me to. I am thinking of ending the marriage and saving my pride as a man. I have lost my faith and confidence as a man but I am afraid that my children would suffer more if their mother and I decide to go our different ways. I love them too much to subject them to that.

Felix.

Dear Felix,

Many men have impossible women like your wife in their homes but are still married to them because they remembered to hand over the hearts of such women to God.

Without mincing words, women are the more unpredictable of the two genders. As a man, you should be prepared to accommodate these mood swings and sometimes very unreasonable behaviour from your wife.

The fact that you did not properly ask God for His unequivocal approval before rushing into marriage is the genesis of the problem you are currently experiencing. It is indeed a big shame that a Christian family like you painted of yours is having a problem that is as deep as yours and unable to find a common ground.

If you had involved the church, I am sure you both would have found emotional guidance from the leadership of the church. But it isn’t too late to because both of you as workers and elders in the church are role models. From all that you have narrated, the situation has gone beyond you. When a woman begins to insult her husband, not minding who is watching, that man has lost her complete respect and would take a person or institution she respects to get her back to her senses. There is no way the church would allow your marriage bite the dust.

But there is something very wrong here. How come both your families are unable to help resolve the crisis? There is no way they can claim not to know if she tells them all the things you claim she says to them. Why haven’t you gone to report to her family? If you have what is their reaction? Have you really prayed about the issue as a Christian and one who knows God and who has the faith in His powers? I would be the first to admit some marriages are very problematic, defy all solutions but with God, nothing should be beyond Him.

Have you considered the problem may be you? There is the possibility that her inability to go back to school is an issue you didn’t really count on her opinion, took a unilateral decision without putting her feelings, desires, dreams and emotions into consideration. How did you relate to her when you had a job? I am not making excuses for her but something must have induced these dramatic changes in her. From your own admission, she helped you in buying a car, gave you money when you first lost your job.

If she subsequently refused you, then you must have done something to hurt her deeply to warrant this behaviour. It could be your character or attitude that is the problem.

Seek her out and try to get to the root of the problem, if she refuses to open up to you for goodness sake involve the leadership of your church. Before you do that, seek the assistance of God. Beg for forgiveness and ask for His mercies in tackling these problems. If her arrogance is the issue, please commit her heart to God. He can make her be the type of wife you want.

Since marriages are a continuous learning process and readjustments, you can never know it all or get it right from day one. The stage you both went through has prepared you for the next stage. The challenges of this stage would never again be much of a problem to both of you should the situation ever arise again.

Economic problems form the bulk of the challenges facing married couples today. It is a landmine, which needs God-given wisdom to navigate. Nobody, but time has the panacea to it. You both need time to appreciate your worth in each other’s life. Like you rightly observed, the children suffer the more from separations and divorces. Forget your wife’s haughty attitude and go to her. Though you are the head, only the wise stoops to conquer since two wrongs can never make a right. She remains the woman, so rise above her and show her that you remain the leader of your home.

It may be an unpalatable preposition but who cares when your happiness and well being of the children is the concern here? It doesn’t matter any more who is right or wrong rather, what matters, is a peaceful and God fearing home.

With prayers and determination to succeed against all odds, your marriage would someday become the ideal. So create time to speak to your wife because no matter what, she remains your wife till death parts you both. 

Good luck.

I’m Lusting For Another Lady After 18 Years In Marriage

Dear Agatha,

 I have a problem. I am a Christian and leader in our church. Yet, I met a lady, a very sweet and adoring lady who I have come to love so much. She is single, working and pretty. 

The problem now is that I am married and have always been faithful to my wife. However, things in my home have taken a different turn since I met this lady. She likes me as a person and has made it clear she doesn’t want to have anything to do with a married man. 

The truth is I am unable to find happiness and joy at home anymore no matter what my wife does to make me happy. This lady is aware of her effect on me and my marriage and has since kept her distance. Yet, I am unable to get her out of my thoughts. I am feeling most miserable. I have done all in my power to try to forget her. I prayed, fasted and have discussed this with my wife, yet I couldn’t get over it. 

My wife and I prayed about it, bound and loosen, yet no change. I only wish I could get a divorce and get what I want but she has said she is not interested, because she wouldn’t want to break another woman’s home.

I want to forget her, yet she is all I can think of. Life to me seems cruel because one cannot get what he wants because of fear of incurring the wrath of God and the society and more importantly hurting my wife of 18 years and our four kids who I may not be able to explain my actions to. I am just plainly confused.  What do I do, to get over this?

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man, 

The first thing is to accept the fact that what you feel is perfectly normal for most men who have been married for sometime. After 18 years, you are pleasantly surprised that another woman finds you interesting and irresistible. Before now, you probably were under the impression that your life was boring - following a particular pattern and that you have grown unattractive for any woman to take interest in. 

Finding out that this lady not only has interest in you but also would have married you had you been divorced or widowed, is so exciting to you that you have completely forgotten your responsibilities to your family. You are in your itching years; the period when men seem to get tired of living a routine life and crave for the excitement through something new. This is what middle age status does. You may not have realised it until now but deep within you, you were unconsciously looking for an escape route from the boredom you think your marriage has become. 

No amount of prayers can get this woman off your chest and thoughts if you don’t on your own appreciate your feelings for what they are. What you feel is a blend of excitement, infatuation, lust as well as pride at your ability to still attract the interest of a younger woman. Being ashamed of what you feel for this lady would make the problem remain a stubborn one to bury. 

It is a good thing you have told your wife about it since it would afford you the opportunity of discussing your marriage, her person as well as her feelings. It is obvious your marriage has become very stable and in need of some major surgical operation to make it appear new and exciting. 

This is the time for open honesty on your part as well as your wife’s. For you to be so affected by this lady, there are things you want from her as well as do to her that you are not getting from your wife or can’t do with her. 

Don’t be ashamed to share your thoughts and fantasies with your wife. Being a Christian shouldn’t stop you from having an active and exciting love life with your wife. If you probe your feelings deeper, you will realise from your feelings for this strange woman what is missing in your marriage. 

In addition to perhaps a boring sex life is also the appearance of your wife. How do you want her to look - the appearance that will touch you in that special place this woman is touching you? Trust me, there are issues in marriage that prayers can never resolve. Prayers can’t stop you from having sexual feelings or finding another woman exciting. This is nature; the only thing that can resolve it is that you you face reality and confront the problem with practical solutions like making your wife as pretty as the attraction outside your home. 

The devil here is not that woman but your feelings that is questing for some excitement. Insist your wife improves on her dress sense, shift from being a mother of four children to a wife and woman interested in keeping the attention of her husband. 

Let her know that you are more important than the children she has made her entire life; that you remain her first baby and that like her children, you are thirsty for attention. It is her duty to help you overcome this temptation this other woman has become in your marriage. 

The danger of what you feel is, if nothing is done by her to help you, you could actually get the divorce before considering the consequences. So, sit her down and tear up some of those rules that have made your marriage boring. Create a time for both of you to be alone as man and woman; to recreate some of those early moments in your relationship. 

This will help upgrade your marriage and provide you with more room to expand. Don’t be ashamed to say what you want; there is nowhere in the Bible where sex and excitement between husband and wife is tagged “sin.” God knew the power, influence and place of sex; hence his insistence it should be done within marriage. 

Forget about all the forbidden rules and face the truth concerning you, teachings and wants. Until you are able to get the kind of feelings in your marriage, the opium this woman has become will never go away. She will continue to torment your thoughts as well as marriage. 

Treat your marriage like a living thing. If you and your woman fail to drag it away from the stage it is in now, you would end up crippling it completely. A marriage is like a baby. There are stages it must pass through for it to work well. If a child who should be walking is still crawling, his parents would immediately begin the search for cure; so also, is a marriage. The cure of any marital problem is to keep the marriage alive by making it dynamic.

One other thing you can do to help your wife get into the act is for you two to go away on holidays; just the two of you. You both need the time to reconnect as a couple and not as parents. 

For 18 years, you have systematically forgotten what it is like to be a couple, living in the mold of parents, worrying about school fees, house rents, child discipline and care. When last did you two have a discussion that didn’t revolve round the welfare of the children? What was the last time you complimented each other on your looks or really enjoyed sex the way you both should? Better still, as the man, when last did you really derive tremendous pleasure from being with your wife, have creative and recreational sex and not the routine kind of thing?

Your prayer point is not to bind this lady but for God to give you the peace and grace to make your marriage what it should be. The only limitations is your imagination because there is nothing you want from that woman you cannot get from your wife if only you are willing to use your imagination to get your wife to cooperate with you. 

There is no age barrier to sexual pleasure, good and happy home. Once you find contentment and excitement in the woman you have at home, the thoughts of this lady would vanish from your mind. The truth is, she has nothing to offer you but problems in your home and life. 

Do yourself a world of good by helping your woman become your mistress as well as your wife. There is a lot of excitement for the man who has his wife as his mistress. Don’t allow that ego stop you from doing what you have to do. 

Good luck. 

My Girlfriend Is Pregnant For Another Man

Dear Agatha, 

I am facing the most difficult moment of my life. My girlfriend of two years got pregnant for her secret lover. All these happened while I was away for my national youth service. 

I discovered her duplicity when I recently came back home and was making love to her. While romancing her boobs, I noticed I was taking in a substance with soured taste in my mouth. I pretended not to notice it at first, being not exactly sure what was coming out of her boobs but when it kept coming, I stopped to investigate what precisely I was sucking only to discover that it was coming from her nipples. 

When I asked her what kind of liquid was coming from her breasts, she initially denied knowledge of it, but I pressured her to know what could have prompted the breast milk. I kept mounting pressure on her to confirm what my suspicions were. From my experience I know a woman lactates when she is pregnant and during breast-feeding.    

When she kept maintaining her stance, I asked her to leave my house that night; so, she started shedding tears and later confessed that a guy she started dating when I was away got her pregnant. Up till now, I am still in a state of shock as I find the whole episode still so confusing and disturbing. Please I need your candid advice please.

Iyk.

Dear Iyk, 

I understand the shock and sense of betrayal. It is normal, given the fact that as a woman she is expected to remain faithful to the relationship. 

Sincerely, how you handle this situation would depend on what you feel for this lady and how sorry she is about the whole incident. 

To help you understand where to start from, it is essential you X-ray thoroughly this relationship from where and how you both started. What was the arrangement between the two of you especially when you were leaving for the youth service? Was there a defined agreement between the two of you on where you were both taking the relationship to or was it an open ended thing? 

While I am not condoning her unfaithfulness to you, sometimes when issues like this come up, it helps a great deal to put everything in the right perspective. Sometimes, we assume too much in our relationship, presuming the other person should know what we feel or think. Unfortunately, this attitude more often than not brings along with it some avoidable problems into our lives. This is why some people misbehave or betray their partners because they innocently got hold of the wrong end of the stick. Not everybody understands the language of signs; for the majority, it is always better that feelings are spelt out in words to avoid misconception or ambiguity.

If both of you had the understanding that your relationship was meant to be permanent and that while you were away, there should be constant flow of communication between the two of you, with you assuring her of your love for her and encouraging her to come over for a visit, then her behaviour is completely out of place and uncalled for. 

But, if it was based more on assumption rather than concrete promises, believing she is always there and that you can come and go as you like, then you really can’t blame her for what happened because as a young woman nearing marriage age, there is always this morbid fear of being left too long on the shelf. The gamble to have someone solid in her life rather than the promises represented by you, may have forced her into the situation.

While not trying to make excuse for her, like I said earlier, it helps to give a robust outlook to issues in a relationship if more mistakes are to be avoided. 

Now that you know she has been unfaithful to you, to the extent of getting pregnant and terminating it, do you still consider yourself as having feelings for her? In the first place, what kind of feelings do you have for her? Are you reacting because she slept with another man or that you feel really betrayed and hurt by the one person you love? 

Be honest with yourself by properly defining what you feel for this lady. It is the only way you can untangle this knot before you. If you know you haven’t done the proper thing until this moment, telling her how important she is to you and how you would want both of you to start planning for the future, accept what happened as an emotional accident waiting to happen. Find it in your heart to forgive her and do what you should have done long ago, learning to put the right structure in place. Relationship building takes a lot of efforts, sacrifices, self-will and determination. It is more of an awareness of what works for you than what others think. If you are determined to make this relationship work despite her slip, it will work but if you lack a direction yourself, there is the tendency to be swayed by what others think. 

Most times it takes just a little amount of interest to turn a dry land into a fertile one. 

Just allow the grace of God to direct you on what is right. If she is sober and begs for forgiveness, it maybe just what she needs to be the best wife.

Good luck.

She Doesn’t Want Me To Meet Her Parents

Dear Agatha, 

May God bless you. Four years ago, I met this lady who later became my good friend. 

When I met her she was a sales girl while I was learning to trade. She is now a graduate and I have been settled by my master. During the course of our relationship she told me she was a virgin, and won’t submit herself to any man until her wedding night. 

Agatha, this is our fourth year together and she has agreed to marry me. My worry is that she demands for everything from me, telling me she doesn’t have anybody to go to. 

The most worrisome is that I don’t know her parents. She has refused every attempt by me to meet her parents even though she knows I am thinking of settling down with her very soon.  

Though her friends and elder sister are aware of our relationship, this isn’t enough for me. She insists if I must come to see her parents, I must come first as a friend. 

My question is, should I stop supporting her and end the relationship? Is her love for me being influenced by what she is getting from me?  I love her but don’t know if she loves me from her heart. I am already 30 years of age while she is 24. Please help me.
Worried Guy.

Dear Worried Guy, 

If you have both dated each other for four years, what do you know about her? If I were to make an honest comment about her feelings for you, would you say she is real or false?

Four years is a long time for you to have known if this woman is really interested in your money or your person especially as both of you are not engaged in sex. Abstinence from sex enables a dating couple to concentrate more on growing a relationship along the proper lines. 

You should by now be able to tell if she is deceiving you or not through the quality of attention, support, patience and understanding she displays whenever she is around you. It is natural for a woman to make demands on the man she is involved with but it’s the duty of the man to draw the line on what to give and what not to give.

If you have always attended to her every demand, then you are the one who appears to be desperate in buying her love because not even our heavenly father grants all our endless lists of wants and desire. Over indulgence can make the heart forget the right and important things that matter most. This is because the human heart, by design, is created to demand for more. It is you who just have to discipline yourself in this area, even if for nothing, at least, to remind her of the essence of your coming together. 

She is getting all the financial support from you because you are both involved. The dynamic nature of a relationship draws its strength from its symbiotic nature. There is no way it would grow healthily if you are both not contributing your quota to it or sure of where its rudder is pointed.

If you have dated for four years, it is natural for you to demand to meet with her parents. You are certainly within limits but, if she is still declining, then you should make it your business to know why. Is it that her parents are very strict, have somehow cowed her that she just doesn’t know how to begin your introduction to them? If that is the case, her elder sister whom you are familiar with can help. Go to her and explain your feelings for her sister as well as desire to marry her. Having met you before, this shouldn’t come as a surprise to her. Let her also know your wish to see their parents and how her sister has consistently refused your request. 

Her sister’s response to you as well as the outcome of this discussion would tell you if your girl is only after your money or serious with you. Unlike your girlfriend, she will not be able to lie convincingly to you. If you are observant, you will know from her where you stand with your girlfriend without her making any categorical statement.

For the sake of posterity, you have to be careful what you say or think now to avoid you coming up with the wrong decision. At 24, she may not be too much in a hurry to settle down as you appear to be. 

There is also the need for you to sit her down and try to do her thinking for her. Ask her probing questions you think maybe agitating her mind. For instance, be bold enough to ask her if she feels awkward dating you considering she is now a graduate and you, a trader. This is one issue she may not want to bring up on her own but by helping her to bring it into the open, you give her the rare opportunity of talking about something which has been agitating her mind but lacks the guts all the while to discuss. 

Don’t ever rule out peer pressure in all these as well as her own vanity as a human being. One thing is to have a cupboard kind of relationship with you, it is another for her to have the guts to go public with it which introducing you to her parents would be. And unless she is sure about what she wants there is nothing you or anybody can do about it. It is a bitter possibility but one you must be man enough to face and confront with all the seriousness it requires if you have to get anything meaningful out of this relationship.

It is for you to help her confirm her feelings for you. The truth is that both of you appear not to have graduated your relationship from the level you started it four years ago. As a sales girl, her reasons for dating you way back then may have changed, but has continued with the relationship out of habit. 

Sitting her down to ask probing questions may unravel her real reasons she doesn’t want you to meet with her parents now.

Be fair to her but don’t shy away from the truth that stirs at you. It is the only way you can move together or alone. Often times, we deliberately ignore tell tale signs because they don’t fit into our mental picture. This is what brings on disappointments and not from what the other person did or didn’t do. 

Also learn to trust God. Don’t ever forget that he sees the end from the beginning and has a way of planning and ordering our footsteps to the right path. Stay close to him to get it right.

Good luck. 

Why Didn’t I Bleed During My First Intercourse?

Dear Agatha,

I have been bothered by the fact that I did not bleed during my first intercourse. Was it that I was born without hymen or may be I lost my virginity as a baby? Although am now a mother of four. I can’t help but think about it at times.

Worried Mother.

Dear Worried Mother, 

Yes, bleeding signifies a woman’s broken seal, the passage of the girl status into womanhood. But not all women bleed the first time. This is due to a wide range of possible reasons. 

If you were not abused as a child, then it could be that you were into rigorous exercises or sports before you slept with a man. Some strenuous sports like running, horse riding can break the hymen which as a matter of fact is a very delicate seal. It doesn’t take much energy to have it broken; so, it could be broken without a woman sleeping with a man. For the experienced man, only the tightness of the passage would tell him the condition of the woman; whereas, some need the physical evidence of blood to be convinced they are meeting her intact. 

And in some cases, some women have been deflowered by tampons or the questing fingers of their lovers. Tampons can break the seal easily because it is inserted into the woman’s body to absorb her flow unlike the conventional pad that is placed at the entrance of her body to absorb her flow. There is no way she would know that her hymen has been broken because it will come out with her flow as blood. 

Like the tampon, the fingers too can easily break the fine film covering of a woman’s body.

What is important is the level of trust the woman is able to command from her man. If you have had four children and not once given your husband reason to doubt you, he will always cherish and take pride in your honour as a woman any day. 

That is what is most important at the end of the day. It doesn’t matter whether you knew how you were deflowered or not. 

Good luck.

My Ex-girlfriends Threaten To Deal With My New Angel

Dear Agatha,
I have to first commend you for the wonderful work you have been doing. I don’t know how to start my story but definitely, I’ve to start somewhere.
I dated two different girls some years back: one, during my school days, but parted ways after we graduated. She said I wasn’t ready to settle down. Looking at things then, I wasn’t really ready but I was determined to settle down with her.
Then came the second girl, after my National Youth Service. Though I was unemployed, I love her so much that I promised not to have sex with her just to show her I appreciate and love her so much. Our relationship flourished, people were actually expecting us to marry only for her after a year and half to inform me that she wasn’t interested any more in the relationship and that I should get myself another girl. Her only excuse was that she wasn’t gaining anything from the relationship both financially and sexually. I pleaded with her but she refused to listen to my appeals. Left with no choice, I moved out but her frequent telephone calls haven’t stopped. 

Now, I have got a job in one of the ministries in Imo State, and found a younger girl of 18 years who is still a virgin. I love her so much and have promised her a sex-free relationship till our wedding night. I intend to propose to her in no distant time. But my problem is that I don’t want to make the same mistake I made with my first and second girlfriends. My former girlfriends are threatening to deal with my innocent angel on the accusation that I dumped them because of her.
Please Agatha, I need to apply intelligence in dealing with these two girls. Though I still have feelings for the second, I don’t want to lose my little angel.
What do I do?
Kenny. 

Dear Kenny, 

If you don’t want to lose this lady to indecision, tell your former girlfriends to keep their distance from you. Let them know you have met the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with and that since they took the decision to quit the relationship, they can’t blame you for finding happiness in another woman. 

To make sure they don’t destroy your new life with this girl, sit her down and tell her about your past relationships as well as how the two other ladies are now fighting to come back into your life. Let her know about their threats of coming to deal with her just to frighten her out of the relationship. 

The essence of telling her is to prepare her for any eventuality. Don’t risk any of your former girlfriends getting to her with information about your past before you do. Because these girls want you desperately, they are bound to exaggerate facts, to make it appear to her that you are lying to her about your feelings for her. 

No matter how innocent and inexperienced she may appear to be to you, she is bound to feel betrayed by you and hurt that you couldn’t trust her with information about your past. It is this trust you must try to build from this early stage.  Earn it by keeping her in the picture about your past and present. She must know at all times what is happening to you and how any decision you take would affect her. 

Unless there is something you are not saying, your ex-girlfriends lack any right to come back into your life. And you should be bold enough to stand your ground since they are the ones that left of their own accord. 

However, my worry has to do with your lingering feelings for your second girlfriend. It is not healthy for your new relationship. You must be very sure of what you feel for this young lady before giving her hopes to ride on. If you think what you feel for the second lady is so strong, don’t hesitate to forgive her. Love isn’t about ego but seeking happiness for life. 

In the process of falling in love and finding true happiness, a lot of things can go wrong. She may have left you on account of you not having a job but if you think your feelings for her are still strong and vibrant enough to erase the pains of her rejecting you, it is better to have her back than inflicting emotional pains on an innocent person. 

Therefore, in your interest as well as that of this innocent girl, think out your feelings properly before pushing ahead with anything. It might be in your interest to take a clear break from all of them to enable you know which way is right.  Seek for help from God through prayers. Good luck. 

She Conceals Feelings About Whom I Am

  Dear Agatha,

I really appreciate the way you handle issues concerning teenagers. May God continue to be with you.

I am a 22-year-old student of The Polytechnic Ibadan in love with a girl. We started dating from our secondary school days and I always nurtured the desire to marry her because I really love her.

However I have a problem with her because whenever I ask how she feels about me, she gets angry with me and always insists I refrain from asking her such question.

Also whenever I demand for sex from her she refuses. Because of the love I have for her, I don’t want to force her. My question is: Is it a crime to love and ask my partner how she feels about me?

Adeyinka.

Dear Adeyinka.

Thank you for not attempting to force her into making love with you. It shows you indeed love and respect her. Young men like you are rare.

If you are 22, it means she is younger and a little confused on how to handle the emotional changes she is feeling. She may not want to lie to you about her feelings, which is perhaps why she is refusing to put a name to what she feels for you. Telling you she loves you now and discovering later that what she feels may after all not be love, would hurt you more.

Try to understand with her and do moderate for now your feelings towards her. She may not be ready for the type of commitment you have in mind.

And from what you wrote, she appears to be a very sensible young lady. If you indeed love her, you should not be asking her for sex since your intend to marry her. Why pre-empt that special night of your wedding? Ease off and allow her to develop her potentials, feelings for you without the encumbrance of sex. Sex at the wrong age and situations is a burden that has the ability of derailing and devaluing what should be valued.

You can help both of you to be happier by simply being friends. She will be a lot relaxed with you if she is not under the pressure of subjecting her feelings for you to analysis or having sex with you. True friendship is what she might just be expecting from you.

If you learn to do things right and in the ways of God, she would forever remain yours.

Good luck.

Shouldn’t Her Brother Know We Are Lovers

Dear Agatha.

I have this problem that has been burning my heart since I started having this secret affair with the girl after my heart.

The girl happens to be the younger sister of my friend. I fell in love with her the very day we met. I made my intention known to her, she agreed and that was how we started our secret affair. That was two years ago and my friend is still unaware of it. The problem now is that our love has grown so deep that we can no longer hide the feelings. Agatha, I have this deep urge to confide our relationship in the brother, but my girlfriend is adamant. She said we should still keep the relationship to ourselves. Her reason is that her brother being a playboy would not support anybody dating his sister.

Agatha, what do you suggest we do about it?

Alwell.

 Dear Alwell,

If your feelings are genuine and you have good plans for her, tell your friend about your relationship with his sister. To have dated your friend’s sister for two years without telling him or giving him a hint is wrong. If you are truly friends, you should not keep such a secret from him.

The accusation that he is a playboy and would not support anybody having a relationship with his sister is neither here nor there. Granted he has good reason to want to protect his sister from taking the wrong step, something most brothers do anyway; it is not enough excuse to keep such vital information from a person you claim to be a friend of yours.

You are unwittingly betraying his trust and confidence, something that might work against you when you need his support the most in future.

In this friend’s shoes, how would you feel? Unless you or your girlfriend have something to hide, tell the brother. The worst that could happen is for him to object, which could be a blessing in disguise because it would provide both of you the opportunity to subject your feelings for each other to test. Most times when things are too smooth, it is a danger for caution. As it now your relationship appears smooth because it is cocooned in a closet. It is only when it is exposed to the dynamism of the real world that you can determine its kind of foundation. Telling him would determine if your love for each other can stand the test of time.

Good luck.