Dear Agatha,
I have been married for six years with two children. For us it was love at first sight and honestly nobody told me anything about his other wife until she came into my house last week to announce that the man I have lived with for six years actually got married to her first.
I didn’t believe her at first but looking at the children with her, I knew she was telling the truth. They all looked like my own children who both took after their father in appearance. Her last child is almost of the same age with my first child.
According to her, my husband abandoned her and the children in the village to marry me, which explains why he has consistently refused to take me to see his people. She said she got to know about me by accident when during his last visit to the village, he forgot the photographs of my children and I in his room.
At least my husband when he came had the grace to admit to everything she said but insisted he prefers me to his first wife and says since he married me at the registry, I remain his legal wife.
He said he took the decision not to tell me because at the time he met me he was almost going insane in the marriage and would either have taken his life or that of his first wife but for his meeting with me.
He was afraid I wouldn’t have agreed to marry him. I come from very strict Christian home and never planned for polygamy.
All his family members, including his mother agree they have wronged me by not telling me the truth but say, they did it out of love for my person.
My parents on the other hand want me to end the marriage and come home, that they will never support my being a second wife to any man. They also insist that I should leave the children behind.
I love my children and will never leave them. His first wife after series of discussions has also agreed to vacate his life stating that she only came to set the records straight and she has also lost interest in the marriage.
Although this has caused me pain, I still love my husband. He is caring and has never in my six years of marriage to him given me reason to doubt him or regret ever marrying him. He dotes on the children but right now I need your help to make the right decision.
Confused Wife.
Dear Confused Wife,
Sometimes, life calls on us to carry a load that at first glance appears impossible to carry but which in time becomes light. This is what is happening to you now.
There is no doubting the bitterness, heaviness and outrage in your mind now; finding out that the man you love, respected and gave your everything to is really not everything he says he is. On this premise, if you vacate your home, you will be justified and nobody can blame you.
In fact, it is what many women who find themselves in your shoes would do. To have come to the realisation that you have been married to another woman’s husband without you knowing it all this time is the worst form of betrayal and rightly raises the issue of his credibility and sincerity.
This is indeed the worry of your parents who are both offended and bewildered at the implications of his action. Your parents are only concerned and afraid he might have other hidden skeletons in his cupboard.
But asking you to come home isn’t a solution because whatever it is they are trying to prevent had happened already. Whether you like it or not, you are already involved in polygamy since he has children by this woman. The cold truth is your children have step-siblings, this fact your parents or doctrines cannot erase.
If you leave this marriage, are you going to remain single? How would it help you undo the past mistake? There is no amending this mistake. It is too late for whatever they have in mind. You cannot live with them forever and a time would come when they too would put pressure on you to go back to your husband or remarry.
And because you already have two children, the choice of a single man who has never married may be difficult. What they don’t want in your current arrangement is what they would eventually go back to with another man. So why complicate your life by vacating the devil you already know for an angel you don’t? Besides, what is the rational of leaving your children behind? If your parents really desire your interest, they should not insist on your leaving the children behind.
What they should do in this situation is to summon your husband, first to register their disgust and to warn him against hurting you any more than he has. Truthfully beyond this, there is nothing they can do to ameliorate the situation you have found yourself in.
Although it isn’t something any woman wish for herself but be assured there is no new experience in life. Our problems are all recycled from age to age and solutions constantly evolve to make it easier for us to bear.
Granted, he has done the unforgivable but look inside your heart for solutions and at this point it is in your interest not to listen to the voices of those who will tell you to give it all up. In your shoes, these same people would stay on.
When situation gets this hazy, it is always best like you have done to look at the positive side of the person involved. This is a good indication that you are ready to work things out.
The issue you should first address is why he acted the way he did. Let him know he should have given you and the other woman a choice in the matter. That by refusing to factor in your feelings he has destroyed your trust in him. Don’t pretend that all is well. Let him know precisely what you feel despite being willing for the sake of love to live with him.
One of the conditions you must negotiate with him has to do with the other woman and her children. Once you agree to stay, you must also agree to be their mother and open your heart to them to avoid the greater future tragedy of these children growing up in bitterness and taking arms against you and your children.
You must work out a way of getting to the children personally to ensure love flows in their heart for you and your children. Also, you must meet their mother outside your husband to explain your innocence and ask for her forgiveness. At this point it doesn’t matter whether she was in the wrong or not, what counts, is how unfair your husband treated her. Her past mistakes have been nullified by the actions your husband took against her. Your husband’s actions put you in a very precarious position so it is in your interest to ensure you mop up every traces of ill wind this might cause your family so don’t get tired of pleading with her. Always ensure he doesn’t shy away from his duties to that woman and her children.
Some may think you foolish but God knows why He allowed this to happen to you. It has nothing to do with your upbringing or attitude but the plans He alone has for you. Do it with the strength of a woman who has found determination in her unconditional love for her family, one who has the patience, calm, tolerance and understanding to see her family through this monstrous storm.
Your time to smile will come. For now allow the will and wisdom of God to prevail. This is however not asking you to be superhuman. Cry, get angry when you feel like it, it is all part of the healing process.
Above all, stay tuned to God and His directives. His love is more than enough for you.
Good luck.
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