My younger lover dumped me with pregnancy

Dear Agatha, I am 40, divorced and with two children. Since my separation from my husband three years ago, I have been without a stable relationship. I have sex when I want to, but in the last couple of months, I have fallen hopelessly in love with a 26-year-old man who works in my department. Since setting my eyes on him, I have been unable to concentrate on anything. I dream of him night and day as well as get very resentful of any female that comes close to him. This has made a female colleague to incur my wrath twice. Even when I know I should caution him for some very obvious mistakes he makes during the discharge of his duties, I simply gloss over it. Early in the year, the feelings got very unbearable for me, so I invited him to my house. Good food, wine and good music must have influenced his boldness not to question my offer. That night, he slept at my house. The following day, he was sober enough to apologise, but I brushed aside his apologies, assuring him it was okay and confessing my love for him. Although he told me about his girlfriend as well as his desires to marry her, I silently refused to listen. I wanted all the fairy tales; I have found love in him. I noticed that he was trying as much as possible to avoid me, refusing to look me straight in the eyes as well as trying to avoid any personal thing with me. I was very angry at this; that I threatened to get tough with him if he keeps ignoring me. The fear of losing his job made him bow to pressures from me, but from his attitude, it was like raping him. At the point, I got tired of forcing him to sleep with me. It was then I found out quite unexpectedly that I am almost four months pregnant. It was actually the prophetic warning of my pastor that alerted me to my state. According to my pastor, attempts to abort the pregnancy will result in my death. I was not planning on getting pregnant because I thought I was secured by the injections I was taking to prevent a pregnancy. Despite my feelings, I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant at all. My last child was already 13, so why would I want a baby to disrupt my life? Aborting this child would have been the best option for all concerned, but I don’t want to die. My children will suffer if anything happens to me, since I am all they have right now. The reason I am writing is to ask for your advice. when I informed him about the pregnancy, he told me to my face that I should get rid of it, that there was no way he would accept responsibility for the child, that he plans to get married to his girlfriend later this year, hence he wouldn’t want anybody to know that he has been sleeping with a woman almost his mother’s age. He threatened to deny paternity of the child if I attempt to keep it. How do I explain to my 15-year-old daughter that I am pregnant for a man 14 years my junior who isn’t ready to accept the pregnancy? How do I explain to my 13-year-old son? What do I tell the child in future about the father, especially since he resigned last week and left no forwarding address. What more! There is an older man in my life who is now very interested in officially marrying me as his second wife. I don’t know what to do at all. My best friend insists I should terminate it. But I am scared. In addition to being almost four months, I have been warned against it. Please tell me how to progress from this point. Though I still have strong feelings for him, I am beginning to hate him for his attitude towards me and his unborn baby. In retrospect, I can’t even explain the nature of my feelings or what brought them on. I really feel so foolish now. What should I do, Agatha? Maria. Dear Maria, First things first. Settle the issue of your unborn baby. Make up your mind that irrespective of whatever the father says or feels, this child is a gift from God; given to you in His wisdom to care for. God doesn’t make mistakes like we humans. The circumstances may not be palatable for you now, but once the child is born, a lot of things will change for good. The mistake of your adventure has been made. It would be an exercise in futility to dwell on whatever motivated your feelings for him. Certain things in life simply defy logic. Accept what happened to you as ‘one of those things’. Destiny cannot be altered. To attempt explaining it would only make you feel worse than you already are. Therefore, for the sake of your unborn child, give up these feelings and concentrate on making yourself strong for you and your children. From your own admission, you are all they have. People will always talk, if that is what you are afraid of. Whether wrong or right, the fact that you are unmarried and pregnant is enough topic of discussion on its own. Besides, by virtue of your being divorced has already made you a constant subject for gossips. Whether you like it or not, nothing you do or say will escape gossip. So, forget whatever anybody would say about your state. At 40, you don’t owe anybody any explanation for whatever actions you take. As for your children, they will understand when the time is ripe. Your daughter will one day grow up and fall in love. Then she will understand the sometimes craziness and passion of love. Don’t blame yourself for what you felt for this young man. Yes, it was controversial given you are older by 14 years, but love is one of the most irrational kind of emotions in life. An older man could easily have done the same thing under the circumstances. Like I said earlier, that unborn child is your concern and responsibility. If you are separated ‘successfully’ from the man you married, there is no man you cannot be estranged from. From your account, your children appear to be your only permanent source of comfort and companionship. Very soon, your first set of children will be out of the house to begin their own lives; you will be left with this one. God has positioned this baby to be your companion in your lonely years. With this baby in your life, you won’t have any dull moment or feel dejected because the children are away in boarding schools. Therefore, see this pregnancy as a wonderful plan of God for tomorrow. In addition, the presence of this child will stop you from making another mistake women in their middle age make when alone. This is why you must not listen to your friend at all. Obedience is better than sacrifice. Wisdom demands you listen to the servant of God you didn’t consult but who came up with a message for you. If you knew you were pregnant, had gone to him for help, then you can doubt the authenticity of his prophecy. That he gave it to you without you even knowing your state is evidence of the desires of God for your life. Ignore whatever your lover said about this child. Forget him as a matter of fact. One day, when the time comes, that time in the future we always feel the itch to make up with our past, he would come to ask for his child, but till then, tell the child, once old enough to understand the ways of the adult world, the truth. A lot of the child’s reaction would come from the quality of your love, care and time to him or her. If the child is secured in your love, the attitude and reactions of the father won’t matter so much. And as long as you don’t try to embellish the story to present the father as a monster, sticking instead to the naked truth of your love, decision and the issue of his or her coming to being, you will emerge the victor at the end of it all. Children are not stupid or irrational. How they turn out in life comes from the values implanted into them by their closest parent: the mother. If you are fair and truthful, none of your children will condemn you for being human and a woman. No matter how tough or old we are, we will always need love and affection. Although your gamble didn’t go down well, be brave and learn to accept that which you cannot change. Good luck!