Dear Agatha,
Please help me because my marriage is in big trouble.
I don’t know what came over me or why I did it. All I know is, I betrayed my husband, the only man who has ever loved me unconditionally and I was caught red-handed in the act.
Our marriage is six years old and blessed with three children. I was pregnant with our first child when we got married. Nobody in his family or even among his friends believed that our first child was really his. But he told them not to bother about the paternity of the child; that even if the child wasn’t his, he was ready to accept its paternity as a result of the love he has for me.
That statement made me change from my wayward way of life. Before then, I was quite notorious for my indiscriminate lifestyle.
I followed any man who could pay for my services. I wasn’t really into full time prostitution but I wasn’t any better than those who were in it because money was the only reason I would consider any man’s request.
I met my husband through this process. I could tell from the moment I first saw him that he was different but I told myself good looks were worthless without money.
He captivated me when I discovered he could more than meet my needs.
He became a regular visitor to my house and gradually edged out all the other men with his charm and money.
Before I got pregnant he had hinted at the possibility of us making our relationship permanent but I kept ignoring him since marriage had never featured in my plan.
I was really upset when I discovered I was with child and made attempts to terminate it but he prevailed on me not to. I didn’t understand how it had happened and why.
That was how I became his wife amid protests from his family and friends. That he didn’t mind my reputation made me very determined to be a good wife to him. For six years, I did just that until I ran into an old friend of mine who is now a serving senator.
One thing led to the other and we got back together. Unfortunately, I was discovered on our first date. I don’t know how my husband got to know but as I stepped out of the hotel room with the senator still cuddling me, it was my husband we ran into.
He didn’t say anything. He simply left me and walked away.
I didn’t bother to run after him out of fear that it was over.
That night, he didn’t come home. By the time he came in the morning, I was ready and packed. I only waited so that I could tell him where I was taking the children.
To my surprise, he refused to let me out of the house. He told me I couldn’t leave his house or the children since he hasn’t given me permission to.
For a month we lived like strangers; he only spoke to the kids and completely ignored my existence. I had no choice but to go and report myself to the one friend of his who stood by us through the years.
Surprisingly, he didn’t know about what I had done but promised to talk to my husband after tongue lashing me and calling me a big disappointment.
I guessed he did because my husband came back home very angry that I told his friend. That night, he asked why I did it.
I didn’t have any excuse and I am so ashamed of myself.
Even though he has promised not to send me out of the house and to give our marriage another chance, he has since become distant from me and the fun has died. Although he has resumed making love to me, from his attitude afterwards, I know he is only doing it as a duty rather than from any pleasure.
Agatha, please tell me how to save my marriage because for the first time in my life, I am not only in love but also experiencing fear for the first time. He just isn’t the man I married as he seldom smiles or discusses his business and interests with me anymore. When we are in public or have company, he tries to make things appear normal but I know they are far from being normal.
Timi.
Dear Timi,
That he is willing to continue with the marriage despite the evidence of your betrayal shows he really loves you.
It is pointless telling you now that you acted irresponsibly and are ungrateful to have gone back to the past from which this man snatched you by his marriage to you.
No matter what might have prompted it, you should have considered the moral risk as well as the humiliation he must have suffered among his circle of friends and relations when he stood by you.
The fact that he got wind of your movements shows that people were simply waiting for you to make the move to mock your husband’s decision to marry you.
Sincerely, he has done what most men would never do. Not only did he willing claim the shame of your past but shielded you afterwards despite finding out how you betrayed him from his family and friends.
You owe this man a lot, more than a lifetime of gratitude.
Giving what he saw, it isn’t going to be so easy to make him forget. Don’t ignore the fact that in going out with your former lover, you indirectly passed a vote of no confidence on him and your marriage.
Not only did you, through the act signify the meaningless of your six years together, but also a readiness to resume your way of life. This might not be a true assessment of your feelings for this man and marriage but your conduct gives it this interpretation.
If you have never believed in God, this is the time for you to move close to Him because He is the only one that has the ability to reach your husband in that place he is hurting the most.
Doubtless, you have not only betrayed him but inflicted cruel pain on him. Whatever dreams he had of both of you crashed that day he saw you with another man. You also crushed his pride as a man and called his judgment and feelings for you to question.
All these would take time to build again. When he made the decision to marry you, he had no illusions about the challenge ahead of him hence his willingness to ignore the opinion of his family members and friends then. But now, having lived, invested himself, trust and emotions into building a family with you, discovering you haven’t changed much from the woman he first met would no doubt affect the way he feels about you and the marriage.
Time would take away his pain. Give him the chance to heal naturally, not rush him to accept your own timetable.
If you rush him into accepting your apologies, he would not heal naturally and that in the long run would be too much of a burden on him to carry. Don’t forget you have hurt him deeply, the most brutal way in which a woman could ever hurt a man. Given his disposition, he would definitely heal but he needs your help in the area of showing him how sorry you are and how much you want to win back his trust.
Learn to be patient, understanding, supportive and loving. On his part, he would need all these assurances to know he has something worth living for in you and the marriage.
Sincerely, he doesn’t know if he has anything left, probably one of the reasons he didn’t want you to go. It is up to you to demonstrate that he has more than enough to live for.
Begin by wooing him back into your life unconditionally. Send the children on a weekend at the house of his friend to enable you both have private time together. Continue saying sorry in all the ways possible until time and God allow him the clear mindedness to say and mean it.
Perseverance gives bitter-leaf its sweetness at the end of the day.
God will grant it to you to be able to win back the love of this man.
Good luck.
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