With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I met my wife in August 2011. I met her younger sister when I went on a visit to their house the same year. Something instantly changed in me when I saw the little girl. What I felt for her was so powerful and magnetic; I simply couldn’t deny it.
Although there was really nothing between the elder sister and I at that point, I fought against the feelings I had for the younger sister.
Rather than the feelings to go away, it grew stronger the next time I went to their house. Still I ignored it, putting it down as temptation.
Knowing how potent temptation can be, I took to avoiding the young lady.
Unfortunately, ignoring my feelings and deep love for the younger sister, I hastened to marry the elder sister; thinking it was an antidote for the cure of my feelings for the younger lady.
Painfully, since marrying the elder sister, I have come to realise that all my passion, love, affection and happiness are on this younger sister. It has been a very miserable life for me. I married my wife but I love the younger sister.
My marriage and life have been very unbearable that I can no longer do anything. Even my work is in danger. I feel like dying. It is most painful whenever I remember I had this feeling for the younger lady right from the beginning, and had all the chance to opt for her. Instead, I ignored it, thinking that the feeling was going to die. Why I did this, I still don’t know.
I am finished. Life does not have any meaning to me. If there is any help you can offer me please let me know, for the pains are too much.
Chuka.
Dear Chuka,
Sad as your story is, there is nothing you can do about it anymore. To attempt to do anything about your feelings for the younger lady is to destroy the peace and harmony of a family. I am sure destroying this family peace, honour and tradition isn’t among the things you want for them.
Had you subjected your feelings to scrutiny the first time you met this younger woman, a lot of the headaches you are currently feeling would have been avoided even though it still would have created some problems between the two sisters.
Having married the elder sister, it is too late now to cry over spilled milk. Your responsibility is to ensure this marriage works. This is what happens when we don’t give heed to our inner person. You were alerted but you ignored it because you didn’t care, were blind to the qualities your ideal woman must have.
This came from a lack of clear understanding of what marriage entails. What you should have done was to back out immediately from the family, to give yourself that chance to properly think of what you feel. Jumping into marrying the elder sister was unnecessary given the fact that you were still very strong on your feelings for the younger sister.
If what you feel for the younger sister is true love, it will never go away but that is not to say, you cannot manage it if you want to. At one point or the other, a lot of us have found ourselves in your kind of situation; meeting a true love in a very wrong time and season.
There is no way you can divorce your wife to marry the younger sister. Even if you leave her to marry another woman, it still won’t stop you from feeling the way you do about this young lady. Therefore, you must be strong and let go of what you feel now.
I understand when you say it is tough but hard-hitting situations need drastic changes; one that involves a very huge sacrifice. You must put as much distance between you and your sister-in-law. Ask your employers for transfer to a place where you and your wife can start life anew. The struggle of fitting into a new place, trying to make an impact will to an extent give you little time to think of your feelings for your sister-in-law. Another thing is to encourage your wife to become pregnant. Babies are wonderful at diverting attention to themselves. The worry of how to care for the child, coupled with the presence of something so precious would act as a very good remedy for your love-sickness.
This way, you will also be giving yourself the chance to discover the unique quality in your wife.
You haven’t been able to love her because all your emotions and attention are on her sister. Remember, something attracted you to her in the first place. Make the special effort to bring it back. Yes, it may not be very strong but you can grow it to be close to what you want. Every relationship and marriage need a strong and wide base. Most women can do without this passionate love from their husbands; all they want is to be respected. As long as you are also meeting your side of the responsibilities at home, she won’t mind too much. Rather than cause you and her whole family needless pain, strive to give your wife some measure of comfort and happiness. It isn’t her fault that you didn’t act like a man when the opportunity presented itself.
As your wife, you have responsibilities towards her. As a woman, you must also realise she needs attention and care. By dwelling too much on a dream you know isn’t achievable, you are destroying the chances of your marriage surviving.
Whatever it will take you, make this marriage work else, you will be the ultimate victim of this whole drama. Every marriage has its season of challenge; just regard what you are going through as yours. If you are matured and determined, you will overcome it. A resolute mind can always achieve anything it desires. As long as you desire a good marriage, no matter what you feel for your sister-in-law, your marriage will survive it all. Learn to give your marriage a focus. It will help you a great deal.
Don’t forget to entrust your marriage to God.
Good luck.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
My affair with a married man makes me feel guilty
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I want to get out of my current relationship. The man I am in love with is married and I always feel guilty when we are together but it is so difficult to let go because I truly love him.
What should I do?
Confused Lover.
Dear Confused Lover,
There is no future in this relationship. Let him go! The more you stay around him, the longer you delay your chance of meeting the right man. Besides, if you tarry for too long, your time and season may just pass you by before you realise it.
Try putting yourself in his wife’s shoes; how will you feel if another woman is denying you the joy of marriage as well as the presence of your husband? Just as you won’t be happy, this woman isn’t. You are causing her pains and her children deprivation. The time and money their father would have given them, you are taking.
If you truly love this man, encourage him to go. Ask him to try to imagine his wife having an affair with another man. If he can imagine the pains of having his wife in another man’s arms, then he should imagine how his wife would feel by his betrayal of their marriage vows.
Every love story that doesn’t end in marriage always has a sad feeling. Doubtless, you will feel some sort of emotional pains leaving him but when you consider the fact that you have more to lose than gain, you will listen to that inner voice that is making you feel guilty and uncomfortable with the knowledge that you are chipping away the foundation of another woman’s happiness.
In addition, the man can revoke the same reasons he has for being unfaithful to his wife whenever he gets tired of you and needs to move on. If he can afford to be unfaithful to his wife, there is nothing stopping him from concurrently dating other girls alongside you.
Even if his wife is failing in her responsibilities at home, he should teach her what he wants, not have affairs.
Don’t worry about what you feel now, you will overcome it. By the time you meet the right man, the one who will treat you as his queen, you will wonder what you ever saw in this married man.
When next he calls, tell him you are no longer interested in continuing the relationship with him. You will only hurt for a few days.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I want to get out of my current relationship. The man I am in love with is married and I always feel guilty when we are together but it is so difficult to let go because I truly love him.
What should I do?
Confused Lover.
Dear Confused Lover,
There is no future in this relationship. Let him go! The more you stay around him, the longer you delay your chance of meeting the right man. Besides, if you tarry for too long, your time and season may just pass you by before you realise it.
Try putting yourself in his wife’s shoes; how will you feel if another woman is denying you the joy of marriage as well as the presence of your husband? Just as you won’t be happy, this woman isn’t. You are causing her pains and her children deprivation. The time and money their father would have given them, you are taking.
If you truly love this man, encourage him to go. Ask him to try to imagine his wife having an affair with another man. If he can imagine the pains of having his wife in another man’s arms, then he should imagine how his wife would feel by his betrayal of their marriage vows.
Every love story that doesn’t end in marriage always has a sad feeling. Doubtless, you will feel some sort of emotional pains leaving him but when you consider the fact that you have more to lose than gain, you will listen to that inner voice that is making you feel guilty and uncomfortable with the knowledge that you are chipping away the foundation of another woman’s happiness.
In addition, the man can revoke the same reasons he has for being unfaithful to his wife whenever he gets tired of you and needs to move on. If he can afford to be unfaithful to his wife, there is nothing stopping him from concurrently dating other girls alongside you.
Even if his wife is failing in her responsibilities at home, he should teach her what he wants, not have affairs.
Don’t worry about what you feel now, you will overcome it. By the time you meet the right man, the one who will treat you as his queen, you will wonder what you ever saw in this married man.
When next he calls, tell him you are no longer interested in continuing the relationship with him. You will only hurt for a few days.
Good luck.
I’m in love with my pastor…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please I urgently need your help. I am in love with my pastor. It is so profound that I cannot stand the sight of his wife. I live everyday for him and even see us getting married sometime in the future. I am a member of the choir in my church.
What should I do? I cannot live without him.
Laura.
Dear Laura,
Leave the church before you destroy not just the church, but this man’s home as well. The intensity of what you feel is capable of making you commit a crime; the kind you will end up regretting only after you have done it. What you feel isn’t love at all, but infatuation, a kind of obsessive feeling that is capable of even killing a perceived rival. The fact that you are unable to stand the sight of the wife is an indication that you are crossing the line of sanity. If what you feel is normal, you will be able to fight it because true love is a gentle spirit, which can last forever without being violent.
That you are dreaming of the two of you getting married is in itself an indication that given the opportunity for you to harm the wife, you will do it without blinking as long as it is a means to getting your heart’s desires.
You must realise that everything you feel for this man is wrong. Apart from him being a married man, which makes him unavailable to you, he is also a servant of God commissioned to uphold the words of God. If you tempt him to derail, a lot of people would derail with him; the thousands of people who have faith in him and his ministry.
These are people who have tied everything to the ministry of this man, who see in him a representative of the God they don’t see, whose words and works give them a glimpse of the nature of God.
As a chorister, you also occupy a unique place in church; that of ministering to the spiritual needs of the people through songs. Doubtless, temptations are a compulsory part of the life of every true Christian, the truth remains that when such temptations come, we use all that we have to ward them off.
The more you are exposed to the company of this pastor, the less likely you are of ridding yourself of these feelings. What you feel for him will only get worse.
Even if what you feel for him is the real thing; there is no way you can have him. Therefore stop tormenting yourself by building castles in the air where this man is concerned. Moving out of the church, away from everything he represents would help open your heart to another man. Frankly, you need the presence of another man, who cares for you to neutralise whatever you feel for this pastor.
You will never be able to accept another man if you continue to nurse your fantasies about being his wife.
When you move away, it will be easier for you to pray yourself out of this feeling. Many a time, out of sight can weather down strong feelings of love. If you don’t want to do it for him, do it for yourself because at the end of the day, it is your reputation and life that would suffer.
You cannot live everyday for a man who isn’t yours. It doesn’t make sense. We are all entitled to some forms of fantasies but when it becomes as strong as you living your life for someone who is out of your reach, then it is a very dangerous feeling. You must therefore learn to begin to live for yourself, have dreams of a man of your own.
Once you grow the determination to leave this man, you will discover a freedom you never thought you had; the liberty to trust more in your person.
Above all, ask God for help to overcome this temptation.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please I urgently need your help. I am in love with my pastor. It is so profound that I cannot stand the sight of his wife. I live everyday for him and even see us getting married sometime in the future. I am a member of the choir in my church.
What should I do? I cannot live without him.
Laura.
Dear Laura,
Leave the church before you destroy not just the church, but this man’s home as well. The intensity of what you feel is capable of making you commit a crime; the kind you will end up regretting only after you have done it. What you feel isn’t love at all, but infatuation, a kind of obsessive feeling that is capable of even killing a perceived rival. The fact that you are unable to stand the sight of the wife is an indication that you are crossing the line of sanity. If what you feel is normal, you will be able to fight it because true love is a gentle spirit, which can last forever without being violent.
That you are dreaming of the two of you getting married is in itself an indication that given the opportunity for you to harm the wife, you will do it without blinking as long as it is a means to getting your heart’s desires.
You must realise that everything you feel for this man is wrong. Apart from him being a married man, which makes him unavailable to you, he is also a servant of God commissioned to uphold the words of God. If you tempt him to derail, a lot of people would derail with him; the thousands of people who have faith in him and his ministry.
These are people who have tied everything to the ministry of this man, who see in him a representative of the God they don’t see, whose words and works give them a glimpse of the nature of God.
As a chorister, you also occupy a unique place in church; that of ministering to the spiritual needs of the people through songs. Doubtless, temptations are a compulsory part of the life of every true Christian, the truth remains that when such temptations come, we use all that we have to ward them off.
The more you are exposed to the company of this pastor, the less likely you are of ridding yourself of these feelings. What you feel for him will only get worse.
Even if what you feel for him is the real thing; there is no way you can have him. Therefore stop tormenting yourself by building castles in the air where this man is concerned. Moving out of the church, away from everything he represents would help open your heart to another man. Frankly, you need the presence of another man, who cares for you to neutralise whatever you feel for this pastor.
You will never be able to accept another man if you continue to nurse your fantasies about being his wife.
When you move away, it will be easier for you to pray yourself out of this feeling. Many a time, out of sight can weather down strong feelings of love. If you don’t want to do it for him, do it for yourself because at the end of the day, it is your reputation and life that would suffer.
You cannot live everyday for a man who isn’t yours. It doesn’t make sense. We are all entitled to some forms of fantasies but when it becomes as strong as you living your life for someone who is out of your reach, then it is a very dangerous feeling. You must therefore learn to begin to live for yourself, have dreams of a man of your own.
Once you grow the determination to leave this man, you will discover a freedom you never thought you had; the liberty to trust more in your person.
Above all, ask God for help to overcome this temptation.
Good luck.
Re: My friend’s mother died in my arms
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I read the story of this young man. I also had similar experience with the wife of a friend of mine who openly expressed her preference for me right in the presence of her husband some years ago.
Agatha, the temptation is often high when one is invited by the woman to do it. Some women just cannot have enough of it so look for someone outside their home to add to the pleasure they are getting at home.
Robin need not tell or ask anybody for forgiveness. It will spread and aggravate the scandal. Besides, the family may never forgive him. The guilt he is feeling will be more than enough punishment for him throughout his life time.
He should instead approach God directly for forgiveness. Once God forgives him, he becomes free.
Adebayo.
Dear Agatha,
I read your column on the above subject and it was like reading my story but in my case, the woman didn’t die.
She was the mother of my best friend. I have never told anybody this story but something deep inside me, after reading Robin’s story, wants me to share this story with young men who find themselves in the same position Robin and I found ourselves.
I am 56 years old now. This woman and my mother were friends. We all grew up as one family. Her son and I have been friends since we were babies. As a matter of fact, my mother was her chief bride’s maid when she got married.
Right from as far as I can remember, she has always had a very soft spot for me. As I grew up, it became obvious to everybody that she took special interest in me, even more than her son. Severally, I got things she would ordinarily never part with from her.
During our secondary school days, whenever she came on a visit to our school, we were boarders, she would come with so many things for us. Me, she would give extra money which always made me happy. Fortunately, this didn’t affect my relationship with her son. As a matter of fact, my friend and I took advantage of this. Whenever we needed money, all I had to do was ask his mother.
The first time I noticed her interest was when I was in form four. I had come down with fever prompting the school to send me home. My mother wasn’t around when I came home. She was away to Kano to buy groundnut oil. She was a big trader in Iddo market.
Since she was at home, it was as good as having my mother with me. Few days after I came home, she invited me to her room to help her with something. When I came into the room, she was completely naked. I ran out of the room but she told me not to worry; that all I have to do is sleep beside her.
I resisted. She didn’t say anything or attempt it until my first year in the university. I was the only one at home when she came in. I had been watching an adult film so her timing was right. That day, I slept with her and it became a regular thing between us. Whenever she came to visit us in school, few minutes later, I would disappear to meet her at our hide out. It went on until our graduation. During my youth service, she will always look for an excuse to visit me in my host state. Unknown to us, a lot of people had begun to notice and were beginning to talk.
Eventually the talks got to her son who defended me. He fought bitterly with the friend who made the remarks I decided there and then to stop. The guilt of his implicit trust in me was too much for me that I started to run from his mother.
She eventually gave up on me when I asked to stay back in Kano after my youth service. I only resumed going to their house when she died some few years back.
Agatha, from my experience, a woman will never let go until she gets what she wants. In retrospect, I regret what I did with her; the memories still hunt me especially when my friend and his family come visiting.
Robin cannot be blamed for what he did. These elderly women are very experienced and not shy in asking for what they want. My friend’s mother said it was my vitality she liked about our affair. She said, her husband alone cannot drive her to satisfaction hence needed me to do that for her.
It is really tough when one comes across such women. Only very few young men can resist a determined mature woman.
Robin, like me, should resign to faith and allow the hands of time heal him. Although it never completely goes away, but over time he would be able to function well.
Temisan.
Dear Agatha,
I read the story of this young man. I also had similar experience with the wife of a friend of mine who openly expressed her preference for me right in the presence of her husband some years ago.
Agatha, the temptation is often high when one is invited by the woman to do it. Some women just cannot have enough of it so look for someone outside their home to add to the pleasure they are getting at home.
Robin need not tell or ask anybody for forgiveness. It will spread and aggravate the scandal. Besides, the family may never forgive him. The guilt he is feeling will be more than enough punishment for him throughout his life time.
He should instead approach God directly for forgiveness. Once God forgives him, he becomes free.
Adebayo.
Dear Agatha,
I read your column on the above subject and it was like reading my story but in my case, the woman didn’t die.
She was the mother of my best friend. I have never told anybody this story but something deep inside me, after reading Robin’s story, wants me to share this story with young men who find themselves in the same position Robin and I found ourselves.
I am 56 years old now. This woman and my mother were friends. We all grew up as one family. Her son and I have been friends since we were babies. As a matter of fact, my mother was her chief bride’s maid when she got married.
Right from as far as I can remember, she has always had a very soft spot for me. As I grew up, it became obvious to everybody that she took special interest in me, even more than her son. Severally, I got things she would ordinarily never part with from her.
During our secondary school days, whenever she came on a visit to our school, we were boarders, she would come with so many things for us. Me, she would give extra money which always made me happy. Fortunately, this didn’t affect my relationship with her son. As a matter of fact, my friend and I took advantage of this. Whenever we needed money, all I had to do was ask his mother.
The first time I noticed her interest was when I was in form four. I had come down with fever prompting the school to send me home. My mother wasn’t around when I came home. She was away to Kano to buy groundnut oil. She was a big trader in Iddo market.
Since she was at home, it was as good as having my mother with me. Few days after I came home, she invited me to her room to help her with something. When I came into the room, she was completely naked. I ran out of the room but she told me not to worry; that all I have to do is sleep beside her.
I resisted. She didn’t say anything or attempt it until my first year in the university. I was the only one at home when she came in. I had been watching an adult film so her timing was right. That day, I slept with her and it became a regular thing between us. Whenever she came to visit us in school, few minutes later, I would disappear to meet her at our hide out. It went on until our graduation. During my youth service, she will always look for an excuse to visit me in my host state. Unknown to us, a lot of people had begun to notice and were beginning to talk.
Eventually the talks got to her son who defended me. He fought bitterly with the friend who made the remarks I decided there and then to stop. The guilt of his implicit trust in me was too much for me that I started to run from his mother.
She eventually gave up on me when I asked to stay back in Kano after my youth service. I only resumed going to their house when she died some few years back.
Agatha, from my experience, a woman will never let go until she gets what she wants. In retrospect, I regret what I did with her; the memories still hunt me especially when my friend and his family come visiting.
Robin cannot be blamed for what he did. These elderly women are very experienced and not shy in asking for what they want. My friend’s mother said it was my vitality she liked about our affair. She said, her husband alone cannot drive her to satisfaction hence needed me to do that for her.
It is really tough when one comes across such women. Only very few young men can resist a determined mature woman.
Robin, like me, should resign to faith and allow the hands of time heal him. Although it never completely goes away, but over time he would be able to function well.
Temisan.
My mother-in-law gives me problems
With Agatha Edo,Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My marriage is just three months old. My father-in-law is a very good man, the kind of father I prayed for. I lost my father last year and he has become a fine replacement for him.
Since marrying his son, he has been there for me, telling me things he knows will help me live a wonderful life with my husband. Through him, I got to know what kind of things to avoid and what to hold tightly to.
He even went as far as teaching me how to prepare his son’s favourite food, which incidentally is also his. He said his mother used to cook it for him and that my husband fell in love with the food too when he went to live with her.
His wife, my stepmother-in-law is also an angel. Unless one is told she isn’t the biological mother of my husband, you won’t know from the way she dotes on my husband and his elder brother. Her daughters and son accord their elder brothers every respect they deserve.
On the other hand, my mother-in-law is a terror. She is divorced from my father-in-law. I learnt she didn’t also last long in her second marriage. She is in her third marriage.
For some strange reasons, she and I didn’t get off on a good start. But being the younger woman, I have tried my best to be civil and to avoid getting into her wrong side.
But with her latest decision and desire, there is no way I can avoid it. About three weeks ago, she packed into my house without notifying her son or me.
I came back from work to meet her fully installed in my guest room. She even had my sister staying with us make a different kind of meal for her, different from the one I instructed them to make.
As if that wasn’t enough, she brought some clothes including her underwear she wanted my sister to wash. Out of respect, she did but left out the pants.
When I came back home, my sister was very angry and indicated her interest to go if she was staying. I waited for my husband to come back home before saying anything. He too didn’t like the idea of his mother coming and tried to persuade her to go back to her husband’s house.
Rather than face her son, she started raining curses on my family and me. There was nothing she didn’t say, including manipulating her son to favour his father instead of her; my husband and I bought a car for the father during his birthday.
She told everyone who cared to listen that I will not enjoy peace in her son’s home. It’s been hell for me. My husband has been begging me but everyday she spends in our home is a living hell. My father-in-law and his wife are currently in Ghana; I don’t know if I should call him to report the development in my home.
Every night, I hear her cursing any woman who will not allow her enjoy her son. What do I do? I am not cut out for her kind of person. Please help me because I am getting fed up and won’t mind leaving her son for my peace of mind.
I haven’t told my mother because she is yet to recover from my father’s death, which affected her badly due to their closeness. Telling her what I am going through might kill her.
Agatha, please help me.
Morayo.
Dear Morayo,
Every page of marriage is a lesson of endurance, sacrifices, patience and wisdom. Unfortunately, these experiences are the kinds nobody talks about. Even those who attempt to share their own stories, more often than not, hiss or sigh through the story. At the end of the day, the story is never fully told due to the desire to protect one’s marriage and image.
Morayo, I assure you that whatever you are going through isn’t strange at all. If every married woman is to write her experience, you will find that we are all confronted in our different homes with similar situations; the only difference being in the faces of the actors.
Even your mother-in-law who is your major headache now also went through a similar situation as a young wife.
If the women before you survived to become mothers-in-law in the same homes they were victimised and traumatised as women, then you will survive your own ordeal.
All you have to do is ask God for the grace to develop a thick skin to endure your mother-in-law. You will definitely outlive her as long as you have the determination to make your marriage work. There is no avoiding this kind of confrontation in most marriages. It will always happen because she sees you as someone vying for the love of the son she has always had to herself. One day when you too become a mother-in-law you will understand some of her sentiments. It takes the grace of God for a mother to let go completely especially if the wife of her son, tries to stop her from having access to him.
There is no way a mother won’t get upset if she remembers all she went through in producing the man this younger woman is trying to monopolise. Is it the agony of the early days of pregnancy or the sleepless nights of worries when sick or going through life’s many changes that she went through with him?
For these reasons, don’t worry about her attitude towards you. Her desire is to have and keep the love of her son. Like most women in her shoes, she is trying to protect her territory; especially as she has no husband to keep her company. In your case, she is a handful because all her attempts at marriages have failed. Although she is refusing to say anything, she is lonely hence her decision to move into your home.
Whether you like it or not, your husband is her son therefore he owes her a certain degree of loyalty. This is something you must not attempt to deny both of them because they have been part of each other’s lives before you came in.
The only thing is that she is over-doing it, placing curses on you. Whenever she does that, tell yourself it isn’t your portion and that at any rate, you have no intention of stopping her from having peace in her son’s house.
From experience, women like her are difficult to win over because not only have they developed their ideas of what they want but are very determined to make sure her ways are the only right ones.
Her kind needs idiotic patience to win over. Since you know she is impossible in many ways, try to ignore her when she begins. See her attitude as being part of who she is, an extension of the man you love.
This way, to some extent, you will tolerate her excesses while also working on your husband to do all he can to stop her from placing curses on you. Your husband should tap into the natural love every mother has for her child and plead with her not to curse you since he will be worst affected should anything happen to you.
If you can both afford it, spend your weekends away from home. Leave on Friday and come back on Monday evening. This way, you will reduce your time with her as well as have something to look forward to. This kind of sacrifice will help protect your mind and marriage from all the things she is doing or saying.
As for your sister, it might be advisable for her to leave. Get an elderly woman to come in thrice in a week to clean the house for you. Such a woman would have the tact and experience to handle your mother-in-law’s tantrums. There is no way your sister can refuse to go on errands for her. It will eventually lead to more complications for you.
The fact that your mother-in-law is unable to keep a home isn’t your business at all. You know what the reactions of your father-in-law would be to her staying in your house. Don’t try to play one against the other. They are both your parents-in-law. During her own birthday, no matter what, also give her a worthy gift to balance your act. Let’s be fair to her, in her shoes, how would you feel? Even if she is the most terrible person in the world, she deserves some attention too from her son.
This is one reason you must be determined to make your own marriage work despite her attitude. She is obviously suffering for some ill-conceived decisions she made in the past but the lesson of life is all about healing old wounds. The more you all ignore her, the more bitter and unbearable she becomes. A little love and endurance from you can change her. She cannot give love because she never had it but you have love so give it to her!
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
My marriage is just three months old. My father-in-law is a very good man, the kind of father I prayed for. I lost my father last year and he has become a fine replacement for him.
Since marrying his son, he has been there for me, telling me things he knows will help me live a wonderful life with my husband. Through him, I got to know what kind of things to avoid and what to hold tightly to.
He even went as far as teaching me how to prepare his son’s favourite food, which incidentally is also his. He said his mother used to cook it for him and that my husband fell in love with the food too when he went to live with her.
His wife, my stepmother-in-law is also an angel. Unless one is told she isn’t the biological mother of my husband, you won’t know from the way she dotes on my husband and his elder brother. Her daughters and son accord their elder brothers every respect they deserve.
On the other hand, my mother-in-law is a terror. She is divorced from my father-in-law. I learnt she didn’t also last long in her second marriage. She is in her third marriage.
For some strange reasons, she and I didn’t get off on a good start. But being the younger woman, I have tried my best to be civil and to avoid getting into her wrong side.
But with her latest decision and desire, there is no way I can avoid it. About three weeks ago, she packed into my house without notifying her son or me.
I came back from work to meet her fully installed in my guest room. She even had my sister staying with us make a different kind of meal for her, different from the one I instructed them to make.
As if that wasn’t enough, she brought some clothes including her underwear she wanted my sister to wash. Out of respect, she did but left out the pants.
When I came back home, my sister was very angry and indicated her interest to go if she was staying. I waited for my husband to come back home before saying anything. He too didn’t like the idea of his mother coming and tried to persuade her to go back to her husband’s house.
Rather than face her son, she started raining curses on my family and me. There was nothing she didn’t say, including manipulating her son to favour his father instead of her; my husband and I bought a car for the father during his birthday.
She told everyone who cared to listen that I will not enjoy peace in her son’s home. It’s been hell for me. My husband has been begging me but everyday she spends in our home is a living hell. My father-in-law and his wife are currently in Ghana; I don’t know if I should call him to report the development in my home.
Every night, I hear her cursing any woman who will not allow her enjoy her son. What do I do? I am not cut out for her kind of person. Please help me because I am getting fed up and won’t mind leaving her son for my peace of mind.
I haven’t told my mother because she is yet to recover from my father’s death, which affected her badly due to their closeness. Telling her what I am going through might kill her.
Agatha, please help me.
Morayo.
Dear Morayo,
Every page of marriage is a lesson of endurance, sacrifices, patience and wisdom. Unfortunately, these experiences are the kinds nobody talks about. Even those who attempt to share their own stories, more often than not, hiss or sigh through the story. At the end of the day, the story is never fully told due to the desire to protect one’s marriage and image.
Morayo, I assure you that whatever you are going through isn’t strange at all. If every married woman is to write her experience, you will find that we are all confronted in our different homes with similar situations; the only difference being in the faces of the actors.
Even your mother-in-law who is your major headache now also went through a similar situation as a young wife.
If the women before you survived to become mothers-in-law in the same homes they were victimised and traumatised as women, then you will survive your own ordeal.
All you have to do is ask God for the grace to develop a thick skin to endure your mother-in-law. You will definitely outlive her as long as you have the determination to make your marriage work. There is no avoiding this kind of confrontation in most marriages. It will always happen because she sees you as someone vying for the love of the son she has always had to herself. One day when you too become a mother-in-law you will understand some of her sentiments. It takes the grace of God for a mother to let go completely especially if the wife of her son, tries to stop her from having access to him.
There is no way a mother won’t get upset if she remembers all she went through in producing the man this younger woman is trying to monopolise. Is it the agony of the early days of pregnancy or the sleepless nights of worries when sick or going through life’s many changes that she went through with him?
For these reasons, don’t worry about her attitude towards you. Her desire is to have and keep the love of her son. Like most women in her shoes, she is trying to protect her territory; especially as she has no husband to keep her company. In your case, she is a handful because all her attempts at marriages have failed. Although she is refusing to say anything, she is lonely hence her decision to move into your home.
Whether you like it or not, your husband is her son therefore he owes her a certain degree of loyalty. This is something you must not attempt to deny both of them because they have been part of each other’s lives before you came in.
The only thing is that she is over-doing it, placing curses on you. Whenever she does that, tell yourself it isn’t your portion and that at any rate, you have no intention of stopping her from having peace in her son’s house.
From experience, women like her are difficult to win over because not only have they developed their ideas of what they want but are very determined to make sure her ways are the only right ones.
Her kind needs idiotic patience to win over. Since you know she is impossible in many ways, try to ignore her when she begins. See her attitude as being part of who she is, an extension of the man you love.
This way, to some extent, you will tolerate her excesses while also working on your husband to do all he can to stop her from placing curses on you. Your husband should tap into the natural love every mother has for her child and plead with her not to curse you since he will be worst affected should anything happen to you.
If you can both afford it, spend your weekends away from home. Leave on Friday and come back on Monday evening. This way, you will reduce your time with her as well as have something to look forward to. This kind of sacrifice will help protect your mind and marriage from all the things she is doing or saying.
As for your sister, it might be advisable for her to leave. Get an elderly woman to come in thrice in a week to clean the house for you. Such a woman would have the tact and experience to handle your mother-in-law’s tantrums. There is no way your sister can refuse to go on errands for her. It will eventually lead to more complications for you.
The fact that your mother-in-law is unable to keep a home isn’t your business at all. You know what the reactions of your father-in-law would be to her staying in your house. Don’t try to play one against the other. They are both your parents-in-law. During her own birthday, no matter what, also give her a worthy gift to balance your act. Let’s be fair to her, in her shoes, how would you feel? Even if she is the most terrible person in the world, she deserves some attention too from her son.
This is one reason you must be determined to make your own marriage work despite her attitude. She is obviously suffering for some ill-conceived decisions she made in the past but the lesson of life is all about healing old wounds. The more you all ignore her, the more bitter and unbearable she becomes. A little love and endurance from you can change her. She cannot give love because she never had it but you have love so give it to her!
Good luck.
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