Dear Readers,
Tuesday, November 24th being the anniversary of my birthday; in line with my promise last year, we are going into clinic today. We would be discussing the marriage institution with particular reference to the roles mothers are playing in preparing their wards for the challenges of marriage. It has become necessary to look at where the problems destroying today’s marriages are coming from. While it is often labelled as the society’s turf, the fact remains that the quality of the society is a reflection of the type of women and mothering the society has.
If marriages are failing, it is because something is wrong in the quality of advice women are giving their daughters. Once upon a time, mothers sat their daughters down to educate them on the dos and don’t of marriages and why it was a taboo for women to give up on their own marriages even when the man is known to be hugely irresponsible.
At any rate, there was no home for a daughter who in those days packed out of her husband’s house to come to because of the attendant disgrace associated with such a development. Women were expected to put up with whatever situation for the sake of their children who they were told would suffer the most if the marriage is allowed to collapse.
However, a look around at what is happening to most marriages reminds one of typical battlefield where every kind of deadly ammunition can be used provided the opponent is totally eliminated.
Gone are the days when couples conducted themselves with dignity and decorum expected of married couples. In today’s world many couples seem to be writing the marriage law from their own perception to suit their lifestyle, situation, wealth, position in the society, circle of friends as well as their vanity. These considerations have long replaced old time wisdom and values that stabilised marriage in those days.
The marriage institution not only remains the most challenging, dynamic and enduring, it remains the only institution that never graduates its intakes except when the centre can no longer hold.
Unfortunately, modern trends are beginning to have negative impact on an institution intended to preserve humanity as well as distinguish it from every other form of life on earth.
Its dynamism draws strength from the cultures of the couple going into it. Though universal in practice, its different flavor comes from the cultures of where it is contracted as well as those of the couples involved.
There is no contesting the fact the first ingredient is the quality of feelings generated by a couple on their first meeting. It is what makes the difference in who ends up with whom. Although many seem to be going back to the days of arranged marriages with the new trend of internet dates, the magic of the first meeting is still a strong factor in deciding what two people meeting for the first time do with their feelings for each other.
Unfortunately, relevant as the institution continues to be, civilisation is taking a serious toll on it. In place of it providing succour and protection to the family unit and by implication society, it is unwittingly complicating the social problems of the society. Today, the percentage of families that can boast of a good marriage is becoming rare. All the ideals the institution was known for in the old days are embalmed with each day that goes into eternity.
The results are children whose moral values are as loose as the worn out threads of a tattered fabric. What once counted as a taboo now passes for the norm and are so advertised for anybody who cares to see irrespective of who is watching. The awe in which children of a bygone era held their parents have been replaced by disdain and scorn of people who are supposed to the tomorrow’s leaders.
So what went wrong and who is to blame? Is it the youth who didn’t have anything to do with their conception or parents who were too much in a haste to marry that they forgot the important points in the choice of a life-partner?
Importantly, why are today’s marriages not as enduring as it was in the past? Is it like a school of thoughts says that more and more couples are beginning to realise that marriage isn’t as fashionable as it was or that the results people are getting is increasingly making it scary or like the third school of thought thinks, pre-marriage couples are putting all the wrong values before the right ones?
Whatever school you belong to, one thing is clear, the institution created to stabilise and give respect to the society is in itself in dire need of rescue. How did this important institution suffer this humiliation? What happened to the virtue of patience and endurance that kept it from breaking up in those old days, when couples especially women would do anything to keep their homes? Is it that today’s women are no longer interested in marriage as their mothers were or simply do not know what marriage is all about? At what point are today’s couples especially women making the mistakes that have become the contempt of today’s marriages?
From the letters I have had to deal with, one thing is clear, a lot of people going into marriage do so with minimal idea of what the institution is all about. Many young girls especially go into the marriage with the impression that once the dotted lines have been signed, everything becomes smooth sailing. They are therefore surprised when after everybody leaves them to enjoy a blissful married life; they find themselves as complete strangers and at the mercy of ignorance.
What many thought was love before marriage turns out to be lust for their bodies creating the problem of not being able to tolerate after a while the habits and attitude of their better halves. For instance, where once the couple was able to settle difference in the bedroom, the hassles of living together as well as the challenges of making a home makes it impossible for the couple to get too excited at the idea of making love. The attendant disappointment that marriage is after all not what it promised to be is so resounding that many couples give up trying to make it work in the first place.
The implication is the marriage collapsing even before it has time to stand. And where the couples decide to stay, the situation between them is so frosty that children are exposed to the weakness of the marriage institution.
Painfully, many of these problems could easily be avoided if mothers go beyond urging their children to get married and giving the real life facts as well as experiences of marriage.
If mothers, who are the custodians of the home begin early to teach their children about marriage and the many sacrifices that go with it, a lot of the mistakes and problems contemporary marriages are going through would become a thing of the past.
The information would enable both young men and women going into the institution know the qualities to look out for. A lot of the challenges and seemingly insurmountable issues that are breaking marriages up like pack of cards come from what we don’t look out for in our partners rather than those things we think are important.
For instance, many young girls would marry Lucifer himself provided he has the money, connection and looks. They only begin to realise it takes more than good looks to get a marriage functioning well only after they have totally committed themselves. It is then they realise he has a bad temperament, is selfish, uncaring, wicked, liar, irresponsible and a womaniser or that the woman is completely lazy, lousy cook or lover.
Youths need to know that there is a huge difference between the image they see of the person they intend spending the rest of their lives with and the person that inhibits the body. An image may be flawless in appearance but may be full of defective components inside while a not too perfect image may end up with the most treasures.
Preparing the child for adulthood goes beyond telling him or her about the taboos of sex, it is telling them about the beauty inside each person and how patience, care, tolerance, prayers, perseverance, dedication and wisdom can bring about the best in the other person.
Knowing that life is one bumpy ride would help a lot of young women and men appreciate that whatever they are facing in their marriages isn’t new; that couples right from the Garden of Eden have gone through them. It will also help specify properly the duties of the man and woman; that in marriage, there is no equal partnership; that a man remains the de-facto head while the woman is created the helper even if she finds herself providing the finances to run the home.
To be concluded next week....
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