Thursday, July 25, 2013

She wants to come back after cheating on me

Dear Agatha, Please help me resolve the situation of heart brokenness caused me by the girl I love so much. There is this girl I met in 2009 when I was sitting for my West African Senior Secondary School Examinations. Immediately I saw her something strong moved in me. It was a kind of feeling I have never felt before. So I walked up to her to express my feelings for her. I kept disturbing her until she agreed to be my date. It took her four months to agree to my proposal. Overtime she became as much in love with me as I am with her. I spent a little time with her in the village before she left to stay with her mother in Rivers State. We kept in constant touch with each other. Over the years, I also noticed she didn’t toy with me. We however saw each other at Christmas seasons and was always happy to see me. A lot of people have been asking us to decide on the date and time of our wedding. However, things began to change early last year when I noticed she no longer called me as frequently as she used to. If I call her, she won’t pick my calls. Even when she sees my calls, she won’t return it. There was this particular day a guy answered her call and told me she wasn’t around. She didn’t bother to return my call for that day. So many things changed. But when we met last Christmas, she pretended nothing was amiss and displayed all the affections of the past years. She didn’t stay for the length of time she normally would have. Three days after she returned to Rivers State, I called her but she kept rejecting my calls. At a point, she simply switched off her phone. And when I kept disturbing her with calls, she told me she didn’t want me calling her again and that she wasn’t interested in the relationship again. I pleaded with her bit she refused. A week after, I called her but to my pains, the same man answered her phone. I had to ask the guy of his relationship with my girlfriend. He told me they were dating. I felt betrayed and my heart became heavy with sadness at her treatment of me. I left a message for her with him; that she should call me. She called me around 1:45 a.m. After discussing with her; she apologised because, I never cheated on her in the years that we dated. I ended the discussion by telling that I quit. The next day she called me and was crying and pleading for forgiveness and re-acceptance. She has also sent me several text messages calling her actions foolish and not knowing the value of what she has. She informed me that she has terminated the relationship with the other guy. She had also been pleading it will never happen and that she did it for the fun of it, not knowing it will tear us apart. She has been crying and begging me to accept her back since then. I really feel betrayed by her actions. I have also sworn not to ever date her again but there is nothing I can do about my love for her. I also know she really loves me. Please help me out. Should I go back to her because she has come to full realization of her mistakes and that I really love her or forget about her and move on with my life? Please your valued counsel is urgently needed. Simon. Dear Simon, Betrayal is associated with love. The two always go together. In addition, there is no relationship without its seasons of pains, joy and testimony. What often makes the difference is the quality of love that exists between the couple. One thing you must appreciate in a relationship especially in a long distant one; is the grace of God. Without it, a couple may find it almost impossible to be happy together. It is this grace that helps couples to see ahead of many situations they find themselves in. In some cases, it isn’t about who committed the worst crime but a combinations of all factors that created the situation in the first place. Sincerely, both of you are at fault in this relationship. Although she erred severely by going outside the relationship to date another man, you also left too many things to chance. We are not equally gifted with the same kind of emotional resistance. You happen to fall into the category of those whose resistance is very strong. It wasn’t wise on your part to assume she too can put up your kind of resistance. Don’t also forget that unlike the life of a man; that of the woman is limited by nature and staying with her mother, being around her friends in where she stays will put a certain kind of pressure on her. Nobody would take her serious about a relationship where the man has never visited her. You don’t live abroad; you live in Nigeria so why haven’t you taken time out to make yourself visible to her mother and friends in Rivers State? One thing is to talk about having a boyfriend who loves her so very much; another thing is for the boy to make an appearance in her life. Knowing how the mind of the average woman works, her friends and associates would have on several occasions wondered loudly and mockingly too about her absentee boyfriend and urged her to protect herself by accepting another man in her life. Their arguments would be hinged on the very common ones; do you know what he is up to? If he is as much in love with you as he claims, why hasn’t he bothered to come down here to see you? These are just examples of the kinds of pressures she might have gone through in the hands of her friends. If your love is strong enough to survive this, correct this mistake by taking time out to be with her. Seeing her in December only doesn’t amount to anything much. Both of you aren’t living in different countries. It won’t take you more than a day, to travel from your base to Rivers State at worst. Your presence there will not only serve to announce your love for her but underline your seriousness with her. Even if you stay with her for two days, it will erase any negative impression her family and friends might have nurtured in their minds. It will also afford the mother the opportunity of meeting and discussing with you. As for your worry on whether to take her back or not; it is yours to make because you are the one at the centre of it all. You are the one who knows what you feel for her and how strong the feelings are. However, in making this important decision, please consider these points. Can you trust her to be faithful to you? Will you be able to completely forgive and forget about the incident? One thing is to forgive; another thing is to forget. It is the forgetting part that tells how fast your relationship will heal from this. If you are unable to forget it, chances are you will never completely trust her even though, you love her. You will keep suspecting her every move to the extent you will never believe whatever she tells you especially concerning the nature of her relationship with any man. As it is, the relationship is stationary at that point you discovered her duplicity. Only your true forgiveness can jump start it. If you know it will be difficult for you to really forgive her, don’t make the mistake of taking her back because you will only end up really messing things up between the two of you. If you need time, be honest enough to tell her that you will need time to get the hurt out of your system before you can come back to her. Don’t allow her tears force you into a situation you know you cannot handle at least, for now. You need time to make the right decision. Just turn to God for His peace and comfort. One thing is for sure; if both of you are meant to be, you will find a way around it. Good luck.

Her friends are wayward

Dear Agatha, We recently moved homes to a new neighborhood and I noticed my wife’s new friends are the kinds of women who enjoy having extra marital affairs. As a matter of fact, one of them has approached me for a relationship. She called me on my phone, pretended she needed my assistance with her car which according to her broke down in a place not too far from my office. She said I was the only one she could call as her husband’s and mechanic numbers were not going through. She said she got my number from my wife because she knew from their conversation that my office wasn’t too far from where her car broke down. I had to discontinue with the meeting I was holding with members of my staff to help her. Indeed the car broke down but I soon discovered that the battery terminal was bad so, I had to call my driver to help her get a new one through our official mechanic. She thanked me and I thought that was all. I was very surprised when she came to the office an hour later with my driver to thank me. I had no choice to offer her lunch since it was already lunchtime. From the way she was looking at me, making her eyes, being a streetwise man, I knew she was up to something but I purposely ignored all the come on signs she was passing on. The next time she came was to invite me to lunch. She said she was in the neighbourhood and decided to pay me a visit. To cut the long story short, she actually invited me out for the purpose of having sex with her. I declined not because I am a saint but that she is married and a friend to my wife. She didn’t find it funny but I stood my grounds and threatened to report her conduct to her husband if she ever tried it again. This is why I don’t want my wife getting close to them. I know what such women are capable of. I still trust my wife but if she continues to keep the company of these women, it may spell doom to my marriage one of the things I dread the most in life. I went through a very horrible childhood as a result of the divorce of my parents. I don’t want my children going through it. I’m sending you this email because I trust your judgment. How do I make my wife understand me on this? The few times, I tried, she was very angry and quarreled with me. She said I don’t ever want her to mix with other women and that I am being unreasonable. I love my wife but fear for the future of our marriage if she keeps ignoring me. How best do I handle this rather delicate matter without causing problem in my marriage? My wife can be very unpredictable. In addition the more she exposes me to these women, the higher she exposes me to temptations since not all of them are married. Don. Dear Don, First, I want to appreciate your honesty. Not every man would exercise such restrain in the face of such temptation. This is the peg you need to make your wife listen. It is a simple case of either keeping her man and home or those new friends of hers. There are no two ways about it in this kind of situation. There is no relationship without its season of quarrels and making up. These are some of the things that give a relationship its distinct character and flavours. God never promised us a life without ups and downs. Simply because your parents went through divorce doesn’t mean you are heading for one when you take a stand on an important matter such as this. Reality demands that both of you must disagree to agree. Cocooning your relationship from going through all the stages of life will only make it more fragile and unable to stand the test of time. Your wife isn’t a fool. There is no way she would prefer her new friends to her husband and home. Many a time the problem is usually in the presentation of an issues. From her responses to your attempts to introduce this subject, it is clear that you both have had issues before on whether she should keep friends or not. Ensure, you clear that backlog first if you want her to appreciate the actuality of the new threat to her marriage. Perhaps, you have never really made her to appreciate everything you went through as a child. This is perhaps the time to share deep family secrets you have never told her before. She must know how deep the sores you carried from your childhood into adulthood. Many a time, the things we run away from are the very things that hunt us in our later years. There is no way she can appreciate your fears if you don’t tell her. Don’t neglect the fact that she wasn’t there when all that happened to you. And if she isn’t from a broken home, had always enjoyed the comfort and support of her parents, it would be almost impossible for her to appreciate your fears. By helping her to understand you better; you open your marriage to greater understanding and possibilities. Nobody likes to be given unreasonable orders, which is precisely what you are doing by telling her to discontinue with a group of friends you must braide her with a reason. Unarguably, these friends are not the kind of women she should have as friends but, asking her not to be their friends without concrete evidences of why she shouldn’t be, will not serve any purpose at all. She is an adult, your wife, a mother and person who has graduated from taking orders from her parents to one who is also in that position of giving orders. To have you make decisions for her as if she is still in the kindergarten class, is wrong. Marriage is about two people reasoning together and finding common ground in the process of argument and disagreement. Once she understands the premise you are coming from; that it isn’t to deny her of her fundamental rights of free association, she will listen to you. You must also appreciate that the bad friends are the ones with all the interesting ingredients to make her relax and feel loved in their presence. Frankly, this does present a new bouquet of challenges to the spouse who sees ahead of the danger. Because they appear more exciting and fun to be with, she will naturally want to protest and in the process brand you a joy killer. If you don’t handle it with care and love, you risk making her defiant and blind to the inherent dangers ahead. It is only after you have convinced her of your true intentions; appreciate your person that you can now talk about her new friends. Even at that, don’t go directly into it. First, find out from her who her new friends really are beyond the picture they present her. Ask her if she knows what they are into; their views on monogamy and faithfulness to their spouses. Find out what she finds interesting about them and if she envies their kind of lifestyles. You have to know how far she is into them to know how best to break her free from their hold. To introduce the subject begin by agreeing with her on the things you find are true about her new friends; say this without bias before telling her about your encounter with the particular one that came to your office and what she did. Assure her you have nothing against her having friends but she must be mindful of the kind of friends she keeps and that she must appreciate her role as a mother and wife in whatever decision she takes. This way, you are pushing the decision to her to settle for what is important to her the most. And since it doesn’t appear to be an order, she will gladly do what you want with the most minimal complaints. Every issue in marriage requires wisdom to tackle. Good luck.

I prefer my brother-in-law to my husband

Dear Agatha, I am 28 and married with a child. I got married to the brother of my best friend’s husband. I did this because of how responsible and respectful my friend’s husband is. He is caring, thoughtful and very much of a family man. He is always there for his wife and children and has never lifted his finger against his wife. This made me very determined to marry into his family. With the help of my friend, a meeting was arranged between his immediate brother and I. At the end of the day, we got married. About three weeks into the marriage, I discovered the only thing he has in common with his brother is the surname they share. He is world apart from him. He is disrespectful, unfaithful and irresponsible. By the time I was six months pregnant, he has started beating me, calling me names like ugly, amoeba and pig. I didn’t know what to do anymore since reporting him to his brother didn’t make any much difference. If anything, it only made him worse. The birth of our daughter appeared to touch him in a very special way because he changed and became more responsible. His mother died about a month to the birth of our daughter. Right from her first moment on earth, she looked like her, even having the same beauty spot at the left of her lips like my late mother in law. My husband being particularly close to his mother said, she reincarnated in our daughter. In the early days, he took care of our daughter, always changing her diapers, making her food and taking turns to care for her at night. I was happy but when the baby clocked a year, he changed again giving the excuse that I am taking him for granted. Although he isn’t as bad as he was but he is a far cry from his brother. In all honesty, I envy my friend so much and would have done anything to have her own husband. Whenever I am with them, I wish and crave for her husband and wonder at her luck at having him to herself. How can my husband be like hers? How can I make him responsible? Yetty. Dear Yetty, Your preoccupation with your friend’s marriage and home is very dangerous and that could topple the harmony of the entire family. It is unhealthy to yearn after that which belongs to another person. This man isn’t just your best friend’s husband but also your brother-in-law. Therefore, what you find appealing about him must be buried and forgotten by you in the interest of everybody. Your husband can never be like your friend’s husband. This is because they are both unique in their ways and have different attitudes to issues despite being brothers. Not even identical twins have the same attitude and behavior to issues. So why do you think your husband must be like his brother? What makes you think his brother is better than him? The truth here is, you are too fixed on your friend’s husband to have time for your own home and husband. Though you didn’t say it, not only are you jealous of your friend’s husband to the exclusion of everything else, you are unconsciously in love with him the very reason your husband appears to be irritating you. Even if he changes to be the most perfect man in the world, you will still find something to complain about him because your mind isn’t really in tune with his. A wise woman would have used the opportunity provided by the semblance of her daughter to her late mother-in-law to win over her husband, change him for the best and create a happy ambiance in her home. Your home is your garden. If you fail to cultivate it very well as a woman and wife, you will never have the presence of mind to relax in it because you will forever be looking at the garden of another woman and wishing for the greenness of her garden. If your husband is violent, irresponsible and rude, have you bothered to find out why he is everything his brother isn’t? Have you stopped to wonder at the efforts your friend puts into making her husband so perfect? The attitude of your husband could be a mirror of your neglect of him. A perfect marriage is a product of sacrifices, resilience and determination of the couple. To get you to pay attention to his person, your husband might be saying all those things out of frustration. If your friend’s home is happy, it is simply that she has taken time out to study her husband’s needs, likes and is doing everything that makes him happy. Once a man finds that kind of woman, he would do everything to ensure she is happy because she compliments him perfectly. It is pure foolishness on your part to continue to envy the home of your friend while leaving yours to wither. If you don’t know how to start, call your friend aside to ask her for useful tips on how to earn the trust of your man and have peace in your home. Your husband didn’t drop from heaven. If he were as useless as you painted him, the changes you noticed in him when you gave birth to your daughter is indicative of his ability and capacity to be a loving, considerate husband and father. The question, is can you reciprocate those considerations? Can you create the kind of happiness your friend has fashioned in her home? To do that, you must first appreciate the extra-ordinary qualities of your husband. Without devoting time to studying him outside the cast of his brother, you will never find out anything about him. The result is that you will continue to ascribe to him all the faults in the marriage and in the process destroy every hope of your marriage becoming ideal. He too is clearly not happy in the house. You may not know it; but he could also be regretting his decision to marry you especially as you appear to be spending all your time day dreaming about a man who is married and is, from all indices happy with his own family. One thing you must appreciate about marriage is this; no two marriages can ever be alike. Even if you marry your brother-in-law, you will never have the same kind of results he is achieving with your best-friend. The reason is for this is the chemistry of attraction between two persons. You are just you and he is also himself. You can never emit the kind of chemical reactions your friend emits to his own kind of chemistry. This makes your craving for him useless and uncalled for. Beyond your animate desire to marry into the family of your best friend is, the matter of the attraction between you and your husband the day you first met. Something sparked for a marriage to have happened between the two of you. For now, that should be enough for you to work on. Ask your friend to find out from her husband what kinds of food sappealed to your husband when he was young. Make the attempt to cook it for him as a way of breaking the ice between the two of you. Once you are able to create the right atmosphere in your home, log on to frank conversation to clear up all the nagging issues between the two of you. Lead him to talk as sincerely as possible his disappointments with you and the marriage. Remember, not to take offence at whatever he says if you want to be happy in your home too. Be a wise and determined woman who is ready to grow her home in love and respect. Where you are wrong, apologise to him with the promise never to make him unhappy again. If he apologises, all well and good; if he doesn’t, don’t push him to. Overtime, he would, in the different ways men tell their women, they are sorry. Every man likes to be pampered by his woman; given attention as well as respect. This man is the reason you are in that home so give him all the attention he needs if you want to get the best out of him always and have a home like that of your friend. Above all, enthrone God as the head of your home; this way, you will never go wrong. Good luck.

My husband is having an affair

Dear Agatha, I will be 49 next month. I last saw my period six months ago. Before it stopped, my periods were so heavy, nothing was holding me longer than an hour. I was changing practically every 30 minutes. It was so bad, my husband had to take me to see the doctor who said, it was very normal with some women. Immediately, after that passed, I began to feel my womb popping up. I was so scared I had to rush off to see the doctor again. After examination, he said nothing was wrong that my reproductive system was simply shutting down. I didn’t like the word, shutting down because it meant as a woman I was no longer useful. I also started having hot flushes and losing weight. Initially I was happy because it meant looking trim and more fashionable. But in recent times, I have noticed the appearance of more wrinkles on my face, especially around my neck, mouth and eyes areas. But all these are not as worrisome as the impact of this phase on my sex life. I have become so dry, that making love is very painful. My husband and I have tried using Vaseline to make it smoother for me but it ends up hurting me badly. And from the look of things, he isn’t finding all these funny. Severally, I have heard him grumbling when he thinks I am not near, but when he senses I am watching him, he pretends all is well. As a result, I hate making love. My husband who is quite adventurous, has already started having an affair. I know because I have seen him with this lady about twice. I don’t want to lose him because this is the time I need my marriage the most. I have asked several friends on how they coped or are coping. All my friends pretend they don’t have any problem with it or haven’t hit the menopause mark. I really don’t know who to turn to for help. Even my mother I tried to get help from, terrified me the more. She actually told me it was a taboo for a woman who has reached menopause to have sex with her man again. She said I should turn a blind eye to whatever my husband was doing with another woman; that I should be contented with caring for him and the children. I have tried to read about menopause in the media, but it seems nobody wants to discuss it. I am really getting very frustrated because apart from my doctor who keeps assuring me that I will be fine, all I get are blank stares from friends and relatives. I want my husband back but how do I make him come back when, each time he comes near me, I become frigid? Worried Woman. Dear Worried Woman, There is nothing to be worried about or ashamed of. It is a phase every woman is expected to pass through. There is no escaping from it. Like the menstrual years, it comes with some discomfort but these are things that can be managed. Menopause means the loss of estrogen which often than not leads to changes in a woman’s sexual drive and functions. The reason for this is that with loss of estrogen, blood supply to her anatomy is reduced which affects her lubrication. This naturally causes the area to be very dry making sex painful like the kind you are currently experiencing. Unfortunately, lower estrogen is not the only reason behind depreciating sexual performance in some middle aged women. Other factors include, bladder control problems; some women experience increased bladder movement, sleeping disturbances, stress, depression like you are experiencing. The more worried you are, the more complex the situation becomes. You have to let go of your worries and anxiety to improve your condition. Even if your husband decides to date all the women around him, learn to look the other way if you really want him back in your life. Although there are no guarantees for treating women with menopausal sexual challenges, estrogen replacement is an option; it makes intercourse less painful as it helps retain moisture in the vaginal area. Discuss with your gynaecologist. Frankly, this isn’t time for you to be shy to converse with your doctor. For now, your doctor should be your best friend. Let him refer you to those who are trained to deal with middle aged woman going through menopausal crisis. In the meantime, vaginal dryness can be treated with water-soluble lubricants like astroglide or K-Y Jelly. The use of Vaseline, a non-water soluble in addition to weakening the materials used in the manufacture of condom also encourage the growth of bacteria in the vaginal area. Using water based lubricants will definitely help you maintain moisture, long enough for you and your husband to have a normal love life. You will need the help and support of your husband to scale this hurdle. You definitely need more foreplay and attention than before. To get your husband to help you, you must first accept the fact that certain things have to change from the way you have done them in the past. More than women, this knowledge affects men more and is enough to make some men panic sufficiently to want to test their virility with younger women. This is the time men get more vain; are more afraid of losing their vibrancy than women. Therefore, you have to be very patient to bring him back home to you. Having lived with you till this moment, the chances of dumping you for a younger woman is slim. No man at this age wants to start nappies and crying babies. Like you, he is looking forward to being a grandfather but just that the male ego wants some excitement to assure him that no matter the age of a man, he remains productive. What has changed is that you can no longer make babies but you can still look good, sexy and imaginative. My mother once told me it is called the wisdom years of a woman. In every true sense, you are wiser now, more mature and able to handle just about any challenge thrown at you. Besides, this phase takes away your monthly worries of applying caution. No matter how many times you do it now, there is no getting pregnant. It is one worry off your shoulders. The result is a more relaxed and matured approach to the whole concept of lovemaking. Nothing you do or say anymore is forbidden or seen as strange. Therefore to get him back, you must dig deep into your bag of experiences and fantasies. He can no longer ask you questions about how you came about the knowledge of lovemaking. When he is at home, nothing stops both of you from watching an adult film. It would help relax you sufficiently for both of you to enjoy intimacy. Sometimes, visuals have a way of making it happen for the woman who lacks initiative of her own. Adult books too also give wonderful ideas to help the middle aged woman keep afloat. It will also help educate you on the positions that will help reduce the discomfort of deep penetration. For the sake of both of you, it is essential you control the depth of penetration. You also have to keep working on your appearance. That you are in your menopausal years shouldn’t stop you from looking good. Like an old wine, experienced women can actually look better than younger women. The trick is to carve your own fashion statement. Look for cuts that flatter without making you appear to be struggling to stay young. It is a simple matter of learning to wear your age like an underwear. If you feel comfortable in pant trousers, look for the matured cut; compliment with blouses that cover up the body but are very feminine. Ensure when he is at home, he finds a friend in you; one who has the ability to help him grow, recover from whatever kind of stress he is going through. Make attempts to bring back those wonderful and early years; reminiscence over the early years, when the children started coming as well as what you hope to do later. At every point, make it interesting, something to look forward to. Since all the children are now grown up, take your husband on a holiday. The magic is to learn how to fall in love again. With it comes a sense of excitement; the kind that gives sex a new meaning and helps you relax. Age is an attitude. Be determined that this isn’t the end of your life. Good luck.

Friday, July 19, 2013

I’m pregnant for the brother of my child’s father

Dear Agatha, I once dated his younger brother while we were studying abroad. I actually had a child for him which we both agreed to put up for adoption because we were at that time ill-equipped to take on the responsibility of caring for a child. Along the line, we had to part ways when he met an ‘akata’ woman who could give him the kind of security he wanted to remain in United States. I had to move on to another country; Canada: when I got the opportunity to. I came back to the country to start a new life. During a friend’s birthday, I met this man who I got talking to. One thing led to another and we eventually started dating. Even though something about his surname sounded familiar but at 40, I considered myself lucky to attract such a man so didn’t bother to probe him or his family. Being desperate, I immediately set about getting pregnant. Luckily, I was able to get pregnant six months after our meeting. I waited for five months before telling him about the pending baby to avoid him asking me to abort the child. I am blessed with a good physic so he didn’t know I was in the family way at all. When I eventually told him, he protested my pregnancy insisting we never discussed it especially as he has a family. He said our relationship wasn’t meant to last forever but I ignored him and made my way to see his parents confident no sane person would ask me to terminate an almost six months pregnancy. It was while I was there that his younger brother walked in. I didn’t know he was back from the United States let alone aware he is the younger brother of my unborn child’s father. His presence erased any hope of the family accepting me as the second wife of their eldest son. They practically threw me out when they discovered I had a child for their younger son. They said it was abomination in their family for two brothers to sleep with the same woman let alone have children by her. They said, they didn’t want curse upon their family hence told me to go and remove the child inside of me to avoid the repercussion of having children for two brothers. They also said, if I decide to keep the child, it would be my decision, not theirs since they will never have anything to do with me and my child for life. This is why I need your help desperately. I don’t know what to do. If I give birth to this child, there is no guarantee that the father’s family will ever welcome the child. Though there is a clause in the adoption paper that we signed that when the child is 18, she will get to know who her biological parents are. How do I explain to the world that I bore my two children to two brothers? On the other hand, I am getting advanced in age by the standards of a woman’s reproductive years. What assurances that I will ever get pregnant again? I am so confused as to the path to take in my situation. Please help me as a part of me wants to keep this baby because I need it to ensure this man comes back into my life; a baby to bargain with in my latter years should in case no man comes for my hand in marriage again. Please help me. Worried Woman. Dear Worried Woman, Abortion is certainly out of the question. Whatever the consequences are, you are not allowed to take the life of that baby because you didn’t create it. You ran ahead of your legs by getting pregnant for a man you knew had a wife and who didn’t discuss you getting pregnant for him. You thought you could use the baby to trap him into marrying you; unfortunately you thought wrongly as there was never an agreement between the two of you that you were going to have a baby for him or he; marry you as his second wife. If you weren’t that desperate to marry at all cost, you should have investigated the similarities in the name of both men. This would have saved you the embarrassment of sleeping with two brothers and going to the extent of being pregnant for both of them. The choice before you is a very difficult one. This might be the last chance you have of being a mother; nobody can predict correctly what one’s destiny is in life. It gets to a point in life when one just must go against conventions and do what is right in the situatioÏ€n one finds oneself. You have found yourself in one of those circumstances where you must tow the path of honour irrespective of what the world thinks of you. What should matter to you now is how you judge yourself at the end of the day. If you end up not having a child in life, how would you feel especially seeing your friends, siblings in company of their children? How can you terminate a pregnancy that is this advanced? You will only end up jeopardizing your own life in the process and even if you survive it, what about the state of your womb? At 40, your womb is aging and having gone through some experiences, might not be able to recover from the ordeal of an abortion. So why compromise your womb and life in the process of ending this pregnancy? At 40, you are not too young to have a baby; after all you must have thought it out thoroughly before embarking on this journey of deceit so why are you hesitant to continue what you started out with? Wasn’t this what you wanted? To have a baby for this man? The only difference here is that he won’t be around to help you with this baby as you planned. Only the living, tell tales or care for a child. Don’t forget that this child has a right to life just like you so, begin to plan for it as soon as possible because the task ahead of you is a difficult one; the kind that requires so much wisdom and determination to win. If the paternal family has rejected it, you as the mother cannot. The child is your responsibility to care for because you owe it life, care and love. The fact that you didn’t intentionally sleep with the two brothers is enough reason for you to go on. Even though you had the feelings, given the similarities in their names, you met them differently and had no way of knowing they were brothers. No matter what, always remember and never take it out on the child. As for the curse, once you anchor your faith in God, holding Him to every word He has spoken concerning you, you will overcome at the end of the day. You won’t be the first woman to find herself in this kind of mess but since you didn’t sleep with the two brothers intentionally, your case is understandable. Your only fault here is, your cunningness to entrap the man into a marriage he didn’t bargain for. You knew he was not in search for a second wife. Even if he wanted a second wife, you still should have discussed the issue of pregnancy with him before getting pregnant. Besides, at your age, you ought to know that there is more to marriage than a boy meeting a girl. As for the child you gave up for adoption at birth, it might not be so easy to get her back so this child might just be all that you have at the end of the day. Good luck.

I caught my cousin in bed with my wife

Dear Agatha, I dated my former girlfriend for six years. From the very first day I met her at a party organized for Jambites, I fell in love with her. She was different from all the girls I have ever met. I convinced her to date me and that was how we started. I loved her with every fiber of my body. I actually deflowered her and she had become known to everybody in my family. I graduated before her. I was two years ahead of her. Trouble started when she went to serve in Kano. She met my cousin there and through him I got to know she was having an affair with a commissioner in the State. I was so disappointed, I didn’t bother to give her a chance to explain or deny the allegations. I sent her an SMS, not to bother coming to my house again. I changed the lock just to make she doesn’t gain entrance into the house. When my parents got to know what happened, they pleaded with me to hear her out. I forbade them from ever discussing her with me. My eldest sister in London also advised me not to listen to that particular cousin because of his antecedent. I also turned down her counsel. Even when I was told she was carrying my baby, I denied responsibility. There was nothing my parents didn’t say but I maintained my stance. I didn’t know what happened to her after the day she came to my office and I disgraced her. Through the same cousin, I met and married my current wife within a year of leaving my ex. My father prevented us from going beyond the traditional wedding. He kept giving one excuse or the other to prevent us from going to the registry or church. Thank God I listened to him on that because my so called wife, I caught in bed with my cousin who later confessed that jealousy made him to frame my ex who he tried to date. I later discovered that with the help of my parents, my ex and our son, relocated to England to stay with my eldest sister for a while before she got her own apartment. The problem is, she is refusing to have anything to do with me and my wife is refusing also to let go of me pointing at me as being responsible for the pregnancy she claims she has. Please help me resolve this mess I am in. There is no way I can accept the pregnancy of a woman I caught in bed with another man. And I don’t know what to do to make my ex and child come back to me. The worst thing is that none of my family members appear interested in helping me to talk to her. My parents in particular say since I refused to listen to them at the beginning of this problem, I should find how to make her listen to me and resolve the issue of my cousin and wife. My parents can be very difficult when they choose to be. Please help me, Agatha. Phillips. Dear Phillips, The first thing is to settle the issue of the woman in your house. What do you intend to do with her and the pregnancy? Despite what she did, there is a possibility that you could be the father of her unborn child. No matter what, that child should not be made to suffer on account of what the mother did to you. Granted the fact that you caught her in bed with another man is enough reason for you to insist that you don’t want to have anything to do with her and that child but consider how you would feel if at the end of the day you are indeed the father of the child. For this reason, exercise some patience. Good enough modern technology can determine the paternity of a child easily these days. There is nothing patience cannot do; the very reason you found yourself in this mess. Had you been patient, listened to your parents and sister, you would have given your ex, the chance to explain herself rather than deny her and the child. This is what is threatening to play itself out again. Another innocent child’s life and future hangs in the balance as a result of this same manipulative cousin of yours. The truth is, if you don’t clear this mess your lack of patience created, you will never be happy with your ex by the time she comes back. You must be able to give her a detailed picture of what she is coming back to. For instance, if after giving her the impression that you don’t have a child from this marriage and tomorrow, this child whose paternity is now in dispute turns out to be yours, what kind of story will you be telling her? This is in addition to what is appearing to becoming a pattern in your life. You should work hard at ensuring it doesn’t persist beyond this point. Since she is claiming the pregnancy is yours, continue to offer her accommodation until she puts to bed. You can leave the room for her or find a place to hang out until the issue is completely resolved. Even though you both didn’t marry in the church or registry, under the native laws and customs, you are married hence must first take steps to dissolve the marriage by asking her to return the bride price you paid on her. It is only then, you can be free to move on with your ex or another woman you might find attractive. But in all these you must be careful not to advertise your intentions to your wife else she would make life very miserable by refusing to vacate your life despite whatever you saw. A woman who can have the guts to sleep with your cousin in your house cannot be dismissed with a wave of the hand. She can make life very miserable for you if you push her too hard. Like I said earlier, be patient and learn from this situation. As for your ex, she will eventually change her mind once your family members agree to talk to her. Your parents are determined to teach you a lesson; one of learning to look beyond what people say about those close to you. You simply have to keep pushing and begging your ex for forgiveness. If possible, find time to visit her in England to see her and your child. Your presence can make a lot of difference in all these. Frankly, this isn’t something you can settle through telephone conversation because you hurt her deeply. For a woman you deflowered and couldn’t defend her in time of need, falls short of the trust expected of you. A lot of trust went into her decision to open up her body to you. That simple act should have informed the decision you took especially as she didn’t give you any reason to doubt her in the six years you dated her. Doubtless, what your cousin said about her affair with a commissioner was enough to annoy you but you should have controlled your reactions by going down to Kano to find out and confront her with the allegation. Relationship flowers under trust. From your reactions, you didn’t act like a man who loved his woman. Love and trust go hand in hand. At least you should have given her a chance to explain herself; the relationship between her and the commissioner. That you didn’t do any of these is why she is acting this way. The issue you also have to convince her about is, would you have come looking for her if you didn’t discover your cousin and wife in bed together? This would be the toughest part of your quest to get her back. Whether you like it or not, this question will have to be answered by you before she might agree to come back. So search your mind properly and convince your family members of your true need of this woman in your life. At the end of the day, the involvement of your family members will definitely make her change her mind provided she isn’t already involved with someone who really appreciates her than you. Good luck.

I want to die because I’m ugly

Dear Agatha, I am frustrated, unhappy and inclined towards suicide. Right from the beginning of my life, classmates and so called friends have called me ugly. Not even my siblings want to be seen with me because of my looks. The only people who are my friends, are my parents and two of my childhood friends who never joined all the others to pronounce me ugly. Throughout my university days, I didn’t have any serious date. The few that came my way, I ignored because I knew they wanted my body. There was one, a very popular boy then who wanted to be my friend. I knew he just wanted to mock me like most boys back then so I drove him away. I am 29 years now. My younger sister, my chief tormentor got married two years ago; the one following her got married two Saturdays ago I want everything a young woman wants but I have no man in my life because I am too ugly. My ugliness drove me into eating junks just to be happy. Now I have also added a lot of weight. I want to be happy. Agatha, my life is miserable that I feel ending it all would be a good solution. Sometimes I wonder why God created me this way. Why are others pleasing to the eyes and I not? I am not supposed to be his image? He isn’t ugly so why did he create me ugly? It hurts when my sisters and their friends gossip about my looks behind me. Even though my mother and the few friends keep telling me I am beautiful, that I have a good heart, the best smile, eyes and manner, I know they are trying to make me happy. I just want someone to talk to and I know you have a compassionate heart through your replies to problems people share with you. Thanks for the opportunity to share this with you. Ronke. Dear Ronke, Your letter brought tears to my eyes and I felt really bad when I discovered I had deleted your contact after downloading your story. It would have been a real privilege to have you bestow that wonderful smile of yours on me. I wonder what you mean by being ugly. Everything God created is wonderful and represents a part of Him. No man or woman created by God is ugly or a mistake. We are each wired with a part of Him. Anyone who therefore condemns you is condemning the one who created you and gave you the features people are today branding ugly. Don’t ever forget that. God never makes a mistake and always have a particular reason for doing things in a particular way. Besides, only those who survive life’s stormy ride can truly appreciate the essence of God. This is because life is itself a jungle of the good, bad and ugly. Trust me. you don’t need friends or family members who are sightless and insensitive. You are better off without all these people around you. A friend’s worth is measured by the amount of support he or she is willing to offer his or her friend. Besides, it is also wrong to premise your happiness on the views and attitude of other people. That is giving them too much power over your life. You have as much right to be happy as they have because you are also the child of God like they are. So why bother yourself with what a person like you thinks about you? Why give them authority to define when you are to be happy or not? Why make yourself miserable simply because of someone’s twisted definition of what beauty is? Stop arming your enemies with more weapons to hurt you. Like I said, life is a jungle and everyone is looking for ways to survive in it. Some people specialize in putting others down to get up; while there are others positioned to help people stand up. The latter group is the one you should look for; people God has positioned in your life to help you colour it with the best and brightest colours. There are no absolutes when it comes to the definition of beauty or ugliness. A lot of time, it depends on the perception of who is interpreting. If someone who is vain, lacks depth and frivolous; is defining beauty, chances are the person will talk about physical beauty while a more matured and practical minded person will give emphasis to that inner and everlasting kind of beauty. The beauty that never ages, fades or goes askew. This is the kind that you have; one that is ever lasting. There are different kinds of beauty; one that is loud and could be ruined with the wrong attitudes and character. This is generally classified as perishable beauty. It doesn’t last at all because the person lacks the inner strength and wisdom to carry it into full maturity. There are those who are beautiful inside and outside; who don’t bargain, oppress or insult others with their beauty. There are those whose beauty are like light, they practically glow from inside, radiate hope and offer instant encouragement to those going through tough situations in life. These are the people with the real beauty. This is the category you fall into. They have priceless hearts and are often the kinds of people others entrust with their lives. You have been unable to realize who you really are because you silhouette yourself in the views of others. This is why you think you are unworthy of the attention of a good looking man; that no man wants you for who you are but what he can get from you. Sincerely, you haven’t been fair to yourself and all those men who offered to be your friend. You acted like all those people with attitude problem. There is nothing wrong with you except what you have allowed yourself to think. Rather than give them something to talk about by killing yourself, follow your dream and work on your self esteem. Begin by discovering who you are. There are many people out there like me, who turned life’s disadvantages to advantages. Today, I am a counselor because of the challenges I experienced in my marriage early in life. A lot of people mocked me when I first started this page but I refused to be cowed by their nuisances because I knew they cannot live my life for me. I have every reason to thank God for entrusting me with something so priceless. Today, I am a very happy and fulfilled woman and my husband, the best in the world. I couldn’t have asked for someone better. Had I listened to the crowd then, I would have missed it all; rested this page and hide forever. There is no one without a story to tell or challenge of some sorts. The trick is to stand and ask yourself this important question: who did God sort permission from before creating you? If He didn’t, why are you seeking the approval and permission of others to be happy? You are too much of a good thing to waste away simply because some people want to play God in your life. Get out of that sorry chair of yours, shake off the excess fat you don’t need and put on that enduring smile of yours to announce to the world that you are ready to take your place. Shove aside those sisters of yours: with sisters like that; you don’t need enemies in your life. Do the same thing with those people who think being physically beautiful is everything. Always remember the world doesn’t pay attention or bother with people who have no future. The fact that people are going out of their way to ensure you never remember to be happy means, they know you have something extra special which they don’t want you to discover. If you kill yourself, you will only be serving their purpose; so perish the thoughts of suicide from your mind. Instead, create and define your happiness by going into what you like to do best. If you have forgotten what your dreams are, take a trip down memory lane; to that time when you wanted to be something. It is a simple matter of self discovery. Once you key into it, you will discover how beautiful and exciting life can be. Please, if you are in Lagos, do come to our corporate office to pay me a visit. I really want to be part of your life. Good luck.

What can I do to have him back in my arms?

I have been married for four years. Ordinarily my husband is caring and responsible but since I married him, he has persistently done certain things that are beginning to make me wonder if he thinks of me at all. He has never remembered my birthday let alone, buy me gifts. But I have never failed to remember his birthdays and proceed to buy him gifts. I wouldn’t have minded if he also doesn’t remember his children’s birthdays. Since we became parents, there is nothing concerning his children special days, he doesn’t remember. He not only remembers but also makes it a family celebration. He would take time out to take us all out. He also remembers his mother’s birthdays. He never fails too to give me more than enough money to buy her presents. Whenever I ask why it is only my birthdays, he forgets, he would mumble something about being too busy. Although he would bring my gift the next day, but then it wont be my birthday gift-more of apology gift. Since he has consistently treated my birthday as a none issue in the last couple of years, I deliberately forgot his as well and his mother’s to show him how it feels not to be remembered by the one you love the most in the world. The fact, I forgot his mother’s birthday is now causing so much problems in our home; more than I bargained for. Since June, he has refused to talk to me; he says I am wicked and uncaring. He also described me as being cruel to his mother. The fact that he knew I did it deliberately is what is making him very angry. I am fed up of everything and just want my husband back but is making peace between us impossible to negotiate. He only talks to me when there are people around or his children are with us. In the bedroom, he sleeps on a small mattress he bought for his study room. When I make attempts to touch him, he pushes me off him; he hasn’t looked my way since the incident. I can’t continue like this. What can I do to have him back in my arms? I love him so much. Eyiwunmi. Dear Eyiwunmi, Beg him! Two wrongs can never be right. So what if he forgets your birthday? How many men remember their wives’ birthdays? You are not his child so why should he remember your birthday the way he remembers those of his children? If he doesn’t remember his children’s birthdays, who will? He remembers his children special days because he helped to create them. There is no way he ever forgets the anxiety of bringing them into the world. Therefore it is natural for him to always remember those days just as your father remembered yours while you were still at home. He will also not forget his mother’s birthday because of the history they shared together. No matter the position you now occupy in his life, his relationship with his mother predates yours and can never be replaced by you. No matter your anger against your husband, you should never have taken it out on his mother. You were wrong to exhibit such a behaviour towards a woman who gave birth to the man you love most in the world. The fact that she trained him to be caring and responsible like you said, should that be a reason for you to always show appreciation to her? Besides, she deserves every attention she can get at her age. How would you feel if the wife of your son stops him from celebrating you in your old age? She has worked to be where your husband is today so don’t ever begrudge whatever he spends on her or the quality of attention he bestows on her. It is her right, her moment to reap what she sowed years back. The fact that he has ignored you for almost two months after the incident happened, explains his hurt and disappointment at your conduct. You have been married to this man for four years and should have known issues very close to his heart. There is no way, you will live with someone for a year and not know the values of such a person. Even if you wanted to pay him back in his coins, you should have chosen to his own birthday to do that, not his mother’s. It isn’t as if his mother is supporting him to ignore your birthday. In addition, the fact that he always comes back home with gifts the day after your birthday shows that he isn’t completely indifferent to your birthday. Not many men would even think it appropriate to buy an apology gift as you call it for their wives after her birthday. Marriage is about accepting the limitations of the other person and appreciating the person’s strength. Besides, wisdom demands that certain issues be tackled with diplomacy. As a wife and mother, you must at all times find a balance in your dealings with your family members. Had you used either his own birthday or his children’s to drive home your point, he wouldn’t have taken it to heart the way he is taking your actions against his mother. Now he thinks you don’t like his mother at all. It will take you quite an effort to make him see reasons with you, make him forget that you can be mean to his mother. Since he is very close to his mother, she is the only one that can settle this matter. You may not like the idea of going to her but at the point your marriage has gotten to now, you need to do something very urgently. The more you sleep apart the more danger you expose your home and family. He is angry and very vulnerable to the manipulation of a crafty woman. This is a dangerous gulf you must not allow to continue. If it means telling his mother everything, do it fast. Men aren’t as patient when it comes to the issue of intimacy. You may be able to endure it but, he wont be able for too long. There are too many attractive women out there for you to ignore the real danger this situation presents to your home. In soliciting for her assistance, apologise for deliberately forgetting her birthday. Tell her the truth and why you thought it was a good idea then. As a woman, she would understand the sentiments of your action especially if you have never had any issue with her before. Follow this by trying to win him back with the pleasant memories of your life together before this unfortunate incident. Cook him his favourite meal, the kind you know he can’t resist. Make sure his children are up and waiting for him when he comes back. Since he can’t resist his children, he would be forced to eat the meal. Use that opportunity to touch him, whisper your apologies into his ears, bathe in your most seductive perfume. For once, ignore the children while you commence your wooing game. Present him with the best gift you know he likes; go into the bedroom to wear one of your most sinful nightgowns; the kind no sane man can resist. The idea is to get him to touch you. I am sure once you are able to break into his wall of defence, getting him to listen to your apologies won’t be that difficult anymore. If you need to use an adult film to water down his stubborn resistance, do it provided you achieve your aim of getting him back in your bed and arms. After that go on your knees to properly say sorry to him. If your wish is to have him celebrate your birthday, make sure you start reminding him about a month to the time. Begin a countdown process; on the day, wake him up with a kiss reminding him that you are glad to be alive. Order a cake for the family; plus a special meal. This way, he can’t but remember to get you something special. There are always better alternatives to every situation as long as we are willing to apply our minds to these alternatives. Always place God on your front burner. Good luck

Thursday, July 11, 2013

I slept with my father’s wife

Dear Agatha, My father died three months ago and was buried that same day according to Muslim rites. His was a polygamist and his last wife was my former girlfriend while we were in the university. I wasn’t in the country when he married her. When I came back to discover my father’s newest wife was my former girlfriend, there was nothing I could do especially as both of them were oblivious of my links with either of them. Seeing her again brought back all my old feelings for her. I wanted her in a way I simply couldn’t explain. Since I want solutions to my problems, I won’t conceal facts from you. Twice when my father was out of town, I slept with her. As a matter of fact, the night before my father passed on, we were together. My father died in the evening of the next day after he came back from his trip. Before he died, he called me aside to demand the truth regarding my relationship with his last wife; I pretended not to understand his question. He told me to go but placed a curse on me that my sons will do what I did to him. I still refused to confess. After his death, I still slept with the woman and now, she is pregnant. We had twice aborted the pregnancy but we keep discovering the attempts didn’t work despite the doctors being experts in this field. The current doctor we went to bluntly refused to do anything insisting that in our interest we should keep the pregnancy or both of us would die in the process. My mother who is the first wife of my father recently called me to confide in her my relationship with my father’s last wife. She said since my father died, she has been having terrible dreams of him vowing to disgrace me for sleeping with his wife. And that nothing I do will be able to terminate the pregnancy and that unless I publicly confess, she will never be able to put to bed. One of the spiritualists my mother consults too said the same thing. The issue now is, I want to get rid of the pregnancy before it becomes obvious. Agatha, I am so confused about the next step of action. I would have told her to pack out of the house but my father left instruction that none of his children who are below 20 should leave his house. She has a set of twins below three years of age for my father. In addition my business since the death of my father has nose-dived. I cannot explain what I did with my inheritance of N10m or how the house he left to me caught fire. Things are not just working well for me. How can you help me resolve this problem? I want my peace back but so helpless on what to do. The pressures on me are getting too much so much so I now talk to myself in public. My friends are all concerned as they think I am going insane but at home I behave normally, the reason I can send you this mail. Please help me. I met her first before she married my father. Ibrahim. Dear Ibrahim, In life, the sleeping part is usually the easiest side of the story but the consequences that follow are often more serious than can be imagined. What started out as fun for you has become such a huge challenge not just for you but for everybody. Whether you admit to having a sexual relationship with the wife of your late father or not, the fact that she is pregnant will unearth the truth so why not admit it now and save yourself the attendant embarrassment of it becoming a public affair? Why resist the truth when it is obvious that it is the only way you can have freedom from the curse you unwittingly placed on yourself through your greed for your father’s wife? The issue on ground goes beyond your meeting her first. Whatever the intimacy you both shared in the past, ceased to matter when she became your stepmother. The fact that she married your father not knowing you were his son was enough reason for you to bury whatever feelings you had for her in the past. Besides, it wasn’t as if you were both together hence felt betrayed or had any justification to continue with her where you both stopped. From your story it was long over between the two of you. Even at that, the moment you discovered that she and your father were married, you should have ran as far as your legs could carry you. Only a bastard behaves the way you did. Sleeping with your father’s wife is enough abomination, sleeping with her under his roof goes beyond any logical thinking. What were you thinking? That you could get away with such outright disrespect for your father? Even if the woman in question weren’t your stepmother, the fact that she belonged to another man should have warned you off her. You defiled your father’s bed and marriage by sleeping with his wife. Granted a woman determined to have a man can go to any length but wisdom should have made you flee the house immediately you discovered the situation. I am sure if you had told your mother, she would have insisted you left home to avoid the temptation your memories of each other would present. And when your father called you aside to question you about your relationship with his last wife, was the opportunity for you to open up to him and beg for his forgiveness. Had you done that, perhaps your father might have forgiven you especially after discovering that both of you were once lovers. Being a matured man, he would have found a way around the problem of both father and son sleeping with the same woman; a taboo in itself. To avoid her dying on you as well as halting your harvest of calamities, go back to your mother and confess what you and your stepmother did. As it stands, your little adventure with her is no longer hidden; your mother like your father is in the know, just giving you the opportunity to admit to it. Why not take the opportunity of the grace being offered you to tell the truth? If within three months of his death, you have lost so much, imagine the kinds of things awaiting you if you continue to play stubborn. Whatever it will take to protect the life of that innocent child inside of her, do it. Besides, it would be an affront to the memories of your father if she continues to stay in his house while pregnant for you. Irrespective of the stipulations of your father, go and get her a place and take on the responsibilities of her twins. There is an adage that when a boy is grown enough to appreciate the backside of a woman, he should be old enough to shoulder the responsibilities that come from such a desire. Since you didn’t consider it an eyesore to sleep with your father’s wife, be bold enough to take on the liability that goes with the package. In this kind of situation, you need the guidance of your spiritual leader. Being a Muslim, this is the time for you to go to your imam to confess what you did and to seek for spiritual direction from him. He definitely is in a very good position to stand in gap for you. True repentance is what will make the difference in this situation. Once you are able to admit to the truth, beg the dead for forgiveness, you might just find a way out of your problem. Good luck.

Who owns my pregnancy?

Dear Agatha, I am 14 years of age. I got deflowered by one of my classmates during an inter-house sports competition in the school. Although it was painful in the beginning but I ended up enjoying it. Since then, it has become a routine between us. Recently, another boy came to our school; from the first day, I set my eyes on him, I felt something deep inside of me for him prompting me to ask him out. I allowed him to sleep with me on that day. It was so much fun and excitement that I decided that I wanted him more than my former boyfriend. This led to the two of them fighting and would have become a scandal if my second boyfriend didn’t walk away. Although my first boyfriend is hell bend on continuing with me, so much so, he forced himself on me two weeks ago; it isn’t as much of a problem a4w s s the one I want you to help me with. I think I am pregnant. I haven’t seen my monthly flow which was supposed to come since last week. The funny thing is, I don’t know who among them has it. I am wondering if you can help me since I had my last period, on June 1st. as at that time, I was having sex intermittently with the two of them since my first boyfriend was still adamant. I only stopped about two weeks ago after which he forced me to having sex with me. I don’t know what to do or the money to terminate the pregnancy. We are starting our promotional examinations to SSS 3, this month. My father is a pastor while my mother is the head of the women in our church. Please can you help suggest where I can go? My friend has already given me some herbal solutions to take but I haven’t since I am afraid of the look of the thing she brought. Telling my parents is also out of it. They are too strict and uncompromising. My father really doesn’t have any time for us as his children while my mother is always busy trying to please her husband. The truth is, I am desperate enough to do anything including dying if possible. Desperate Student. Dear Desperate Student, Unfortunately, when you dropped the letter with a member of our staff, you elected not to give us your address or telephone number. Had you done that, it would have been easy for me to contact you. However, the first thing is for you not to drink that herbal mixture your friend gave you. If you drink it, you may not live to tell the story or achieve your dream in life despite your wish to die. Taking your own life will not end your sorrows; as a matter fact, it will only increase it because right now, it isn’t just your life alone. There is a child inside of you who has the right to life irrespective of how you feel about it. If you don’t want to live for yourself; what about that child who has nothing to do with your decision to have sex with its father without protection? Although you may think the child has no feelings yet, but try to remember your feelings at being neglected by your parents to appreciate the rights of that child growing inside you. You have made one costly mistake don’t make another one by thinking of dying. If you have this child, you won’t be the first person to have a child at your age. If at the age of 14, you are already in SS 2, it means you are intelligent with a very promising future. It would be such a sad story to see you waste your life or dreams in your attempt to procure an abortion at all cost. Condemnable as your conduct is, the harm has been done. It is pointless punishing you over what you could have done or not. I am sure your parents would rather battle with the shame of it all than have you dead in the course of you finding a solution on your own. No matter how unattractive this option is, they remain your best solution to this mess. They have the experience and knowledge on how to proceed from where you stopped. Let them know the mess you are in. Their years of counseling as a pastor and head of women have prepared them for issues like this. Yes, doubtless they would be disappointed, pained and embarrassed at how far you have gone, but the truth remains that you need them now more than ever before. Whatever the attitudes of your parents are, especially that of your father, you are their daughter hence owe you some sorts of protection. They don’t have to like what you have done; no parent of a teenage child will ever be happy at the risk you have put your entire future as well as the mess to their reputation, but they are the only ones you can turn to now. In the first instance, you are still a minor so cannot afford to take this important decision on your own. Unless you go to a quack or patronize peddlers of local herbs, no registered doctor will risk his certificate to perform an evacuation on you without the express permission of your parents. And if you are going to keep the child, let them help you manage the crisis. What it will only cost you, is a year of your academic life. For instance, they can withdraw you from the school to a location where you can have your baby before your condition becomes obvious and all attendant talks shadowing your moral values begins. Because you lack the quantum of experience and knowledge, get someone to urgently tell your mother about your situation; someone she respects and has the wisdom of approach. How they react to the issue would depend on how who is informing them, presents the matter and how they get to know. The danger of allowing them to find out your condition is the foreclosure of any logical decision. Anger and disappointment may make your father disown you forever; making your going back to school in the immediate future difficult. For your kind of father, beyond the issue of your getting pregnant is the important issue of his ministry. Sad as this may sound but given the picture you have painted it is true. So if they get to find out early enough; they would be forced to consider all available options before the shame becomes too late to manage. Besides, your wish to die is easier said than done. You are saying this because you are agitated and afraid of the consequences of your actions. Once your parents come with a rescue plan, you will suddenly have the urgent need to want to live again. As for knowing who the father of the child is, I cannot say because you were concurrently having sex with them. This is what would hurt your parents more than even your being pregnant. One thing is to assume that this pregnancy was a mistake another thing is to be confronted with the evidence of your carelessness and waywardness. In their shoes, try to imagine how you would feel if your daughter of 14 comes home pregnant and unable to point to the father of the child. To protect yourself from public ridicule, don’t even attempt to pin it on any of the boys. By the time you put to bed and a DNA is done, the paternity of the child would be revealed; making it difficult for the man responsible to deny or mock you. I am also sure that like most young girls, you plan to get married some day. For this simple reason don’t do anything that will affect your productivity as a woman in future. The woman’s womb is the tenderest part of her body. Once damaged, it cannot be replaced despite advancement in technology. So be careful the kinds of risks you take at this delicate stage of your life. Sometimes it is best to become an early mother than to be childless for life. At least, you have learnt the importance of self discipline and wisdom of protecting yourself. None of the boys you slept with is having your kind of challenge. They can afford to walk away and keep their distance from you. But you can’t. You must face the shame of what you did with them all alone. It is a big lesson you must always remember. The woman is the one who bears all the shame in your kind of situation. Good luck.

She pushed me out and took over my home

Dear Agatha, Please help me deliver my marriage from the claws of this desperate woman that has taken over my husband and marriage. The woman happens to be my former friend. She was the one I turned to when I was having challenges in my marriage. She was the one who told me how to put my husband in check by taking me to see her pastor who gave me a substance to put in my husband’s food. She was also the one who told me to deny my husband sex, refuse to accept the amount he was giving me as house-keeping money with the argument that it was too small for me to do anything tangible with; who taught me how to wear clothes my husband didn’t like. She was the one who also taught me how to lie to my husband to enable me attend parties organized by her and friends. There was nothing I didn’t tell her about my marriage. Since she claimed her husband and children were abroad, I believed everything she told me to do. The last straw that sent me packing out of the house was when my husband in livid annoyance slapped me for lying to him about my whereabouts. I had accompanied this friend of mine to a party and we stayed so late. I didn’t know my husband was back from his trip. When I got home, rather than apologise to him, I instead told him off; with the argument that if he can afford to keep late nights so can I. Anger made him to slap me and I didn’t hesitate to reply with a slap of my own. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep inside the house that night. He threw me out. I called my friend to inform her of the development and told her I was coming over to her house. She told me she wasn’t at home; that I should go over to my parents whose house was at Ibafo. I didn’t understand what was happening until some few months later after she kept rejecting my calls that I heard she has packed into my home. According to my house-help who traced my parents house, my friend came to see my husband the next morning with the story that I went to see one of my numerous boyfriends and that she was fed up with advising me against my kinds of friends and lifestyle. I learnt she also told my husband that she didn’t allow me come to her house because I am not the kind of friend she wanted to be known with. I was told she never went back to her house after that night which explained why she kept rejecting my calls and the reason my husband never bothered to come to see me and our two children despite my father and his people pleas. I am perplexed because I need my husband more than ever before. I know she used charms to trap my husband but how can I make him believe me? I tried going to his office but he has left instruction that I never be allowed in. His friends, I contacted, he fought them all. Please, Agatha, help me get my husband back, I beg you. I love him very much. Desperate Wife. Dear Desperate Wife, Isn’t this realization coming too late? You don’t treat a man you love the way you treated your husband. Love and respect go hand in hand. You cannot be in love with a man you obviously lack respect for. Earnestly, you asked for it. How could you be so foolish as to entrust your life and home to somebody whose history you don’t know? If you were that familiar with her, you would have known if she was telling the truth about her marital status. Even if it’s true her husband and children are abroad, didn’t it occur to you to pause to think what she was doing in Nigeria when her family was abroad? Her story should have warned you that something was definitely wrong somewhere for her to be living apart from her family. Children usually stay with their mother and not their father. What were you looking for; a married woman in parties at night? Did it ever occur to you that you were setting yourself and marriage up for failure? What responsible woman leaves her children to party with single women till late in the night and stands up to slap her husband? Does it mean you couldn’t think for yourself or resist the overbearing influence of a friend you met in your mid-life? How can you explain a mother and wife coming home at the time you said you came in? Even if something happened that made you stay back that late in the party, shouldn’t you have gone on your knees immediately to beg your angry husband? In the first place, why would you attend a party without your husband’s permission and when he travelled? You didn’t stop at that: you slapped him in return for a situation you created? If this man never comes back to you, you asked for it. Your smart so called friend doesn’t have to use juju to keep him. You foolishly gave her every weapon to fight you. From everything you told her, she knows your husband like the palm of her hand. She knows what he likes, how he wants certain things done; what he expects from his woman and with the knowledge she has of you, would do everything possible to avoid your mistakes. A determined and smart woman knows the right words, buttons and attitude to employ to get a man she wants. Your foolishness has become her gain. Even if she deployed other means to trap him, you offered your home to her on a platter of gold. Frankly, it would be a while for your husband to get out of this woman’s clutches. She is a fool and would have put in place structures to ensure he doesn’t wake up from whatever spell she might have cast on him. For her to befriend and send you out of his life without you knowing her real motive, you can bet, she is several steps ahead of you. The sad thing is that you unwittingly destroyed whatever happy memory your husband has of you through the kind of attitudes you put up. Is it your rudeness, the guts of replying his slap, your suspicious lifestyle and neglect of your family, you want him to remember and come back to? Through the help of this woman, you thoughtlessly erased whatever fond memories your husband had of you. Unwisely, you also created suspicions in his mind regarding the paternity of those children. Unfortunately, when a woman adopts a careless and suspicious lifestyle, her children are usually the first to be rubbished. Your husband is most likely to believe what your friend said because of the evidences your recklessness have presented him. If he isn’t bothered about your children, it is because he thinks; you may have foisted their pregnancies on him. In his shoes, given the kind of things you have done through the active support of your so called friend, would you blame him for not wanting to see you and your children? Granted they are his, but in his current frame of mind, he is clearly not ready to listen or reason along that line. Even if he wants to come back, there is nothing so compelling about your person he wants again in his life. In addition, your friend might also have told him that you are a frequent visitors to the homes of herbalists and spiritualists, an accusation you cannot deny since you through her support have actually visited one of them and laced your husband’s food with a substance given you. For now, let him be to avoid causing more harm to your marriage. This isn’t the time you strike when the iron is at its hottest. The wisdom here is to allow this very iron cool; give your friend the false security in her new position as the woman of the house before appearing again. Only a woman who is alive fights over a man. Your friend is desperate enough to kill so, be careful. If you have a job, re-order your life by learning from your past mistakes. Save to get a place of your own so that you and your children can begin life anew. That done, pray to God for His help in freeing your husband from the claws of this woman. If you trust in God; have the confidence that there is no situation above Him, you will get your husband back but you must be prepared to make the sacrifice by being patient as well as learning the supreme lesson of humility. As long as you are willing to learn from all these, you will smile again. Good luck.

My ordeal

Dear Agatha, Ten years ago, I was poor, homeless and certainly not in a position to care for a child. Besides, the man responsible denied the pregnancy and I. There was nowhere for me to stay let alone the baby. I was living under the Ojuelegba bridge. When I fell into labour, I was rushed to General Hospital at Randle. There I heard about a woman who through gossips from the nurses, doesn’t have a child and may not due to complications of an abortion that went bad. As a result, I heard her husband drove her out to marry another woman. It was not difficult getting her address from the nurses so, after I was discharged, I took my baby to her doorsteps very early in the morning before day break and ran away but not without explaining my reasons. I didn’t bother to return to my previous post at Oluelegba. With the little money I made, I ran to Ibadan to begin a new life. As God would have it, things changed for me the moment I got to Ibadan. I not only found love but tremendous success in my business. I am blessed with three other children, two boys and a girl but my mind keeps going back to my baby, I left on the doorsteps of that childless woman. Although I haven’t told my husband about my son, I intend to just as I want that child back in my life. There is no day I don’t think about the child. A friend of mine I confided in said I should forget the child. According to her, it would cause problems in my home but sincerely, I don’t care. I want my child back. I love my other three children but not enough to make me forget my first fruit in life. Since January this year, I have been having this strong feeling that I should go and take the child. I actually planned to visit the woman. From my findings she is still in that house with my son who is now in a private secondary school. What do you think? I have never forgiven myself for what I did. Tutu. Dear Tutu, Fate has a way of dealing with us, bringing us on our knees to face a past we so much wish to forget. It also has the knack of planning our lives in such a way that it weaves the past into our present and future. You are who you are today because of that past. There is no running away from it. For the future you plan for yourself to be peaceful, you must settle the past in such a way it doesn’t destroy all your present efforts. This is why you must discuss with your husband first. He represents your present. The issues of your son and husband must be handled with maturity by you for the future to be well placed. You are no longer in a position to take unilateral decisions. You are answerable to this man, so confide everything in him. Even though you were very wrong not to have told him that part of your life, inform him about the child you had and abandoned, don’t make another costly mistake of going to the woman without informing him. Besides, the child now has another mother. You owe your husband that much. You also have a duty to inform your three other children about the boy irrespective of whether he comes home or not. It is to guard against the nasty incident of two siblings going into a relationship later in life. They must know that somewhere in your past, they have a brother one you gave up for adoption when things were difficult for you. I appreciate every concern you have for this child as a mother but first give this concern a solid base. This is the point you tell him everything about your past. Your family, what led you as a young girl to take up residence under the bridge, why you didn’t leave the child with your mother or any family member instead of abandoning the baby with a complete stranger. There are too many missing pieces in your life of which, the neglect of your child is only a part of it. Sit your husband down and relay the entire story of your life. Being truthful is the only way he can understand or appreciate why you can afford to dump your new born baby at the doorstep of a total stranger. Doubtless, your actions are condemnable, the fact that you didn’t ditch the baby inside the dustbin lessens the gravity of what you had done. Stand on this platform to plead your case with your husband who may be taken aback by the obvious callousness in your actions. The need to safeguard your home before setting out to find your son cannot be over-emphasised. This boy needs peace if he is to come to you. It would be pointless bringing him to a home where he would never find love or be completely part of. Don’t forget that you have acted irresponsibly once; not getting the consent of your husband fully before setting out will pit your children against each other. The ones at home will feel that you are neglecting them for a child you left a decade ago. In a way, you will be enacting what you did to your first son with your other children. It will be like making the same mistake twice. Go, only if your husband gives his permission. Despite being the biological mother of that child, you gave up your right to him the very moment you left him at the doorstep of the other woman. If the other woman has acted like you, what child will you be contemplating going back to? She was the one who did all the hard-work; the sleepless nights, changing the dirty diapers, crying with the baby when ill; singing and dancing to imaginary music when the baby is restless. The baby is more of hers now than yours. There is no way she would willingly hand over her son to you simply because you brought that child to life. Besides, you don’t have any legal right to want the child back. Don’t forget you committed a crime against the state by dumping that child the way you did. What if a ritualist got to the child before she did? Unless you plan to kill this other woman before her time, don’t consider taking the child away from her. The best you can do, if you must go, is to see her first. Introduce yourself to her and let her know that you appreciate her care of the boy. Let the decision to introduce you to the child come from her. If she insists on you not meeting the child, go but plead with her to give you a picture of the child as well as the name he now bears. Explain your reasons to her; you don’t want your children sleeping with each other out of ignorance. Make her understand this fact; that you don’t want to take the child away from her but to ensure you keep the link between the children alive. It is one of the sacrifices you must make for that decision to desert the child then. To do otherwise would make you appear as a very selfish woman, who at every point in her life puts her interest first and foremost. Feelings are not what you turn on and off like taps. This child you seek for now has a root and a sense of allegiance to the woman he has grown to love as a mother whereas, you are a complete stranger to him. Had you come back almost immediately after you made it in Ibadan, it would have been a different case but waiting for a decade? There are certain things in life that are best left in the cupboard of time. Whether you forgive yourself or not, the fact remains that your interest in this drama involving your first son must be played down because there are now more people involved in the matter. It was your decision to leave him but if he is to come back to you, the opinion, feelings and consent of others involved must be considered. Above all, you also need to pray to know the plans of God for you and this child. Good luck.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

He is rude to my husband

Dear Agatha, My mother-in-law married four men and had children for all of them. Her last husband was a wealthy man hence the children from that marriage are better off in terms of financial empowerment than the rest of them. Because of this, she tilts towards these children more than she does others. My husband belongs to her first generation of children. His father too wasn’t poor but he is the kind of man who believes in finding his way through life. Besides, he is the only one from his mother to his father hence is very careful not to be involved in any of the paternal family politics. The fact that his father loved him the most among all his children made him more determined to keep his distance from the family when his father passed on. All of them are closer to the maternal family due to their mother’s influence. They all contribute to their mother’s upkeep but in recent times, business hasn’t been too good for my husband who is a government contractor. They are yet to be paid for contracts done so we are a little bit down on cash resulting in him not being able to meet some of his financial obligations to his mother. As a result his younger brother, the last of them all has become very rude to him; right in the presence of his mother, he would talk to my husband ruddy. Just last week, right in my presence, he told my husband who had gone to celebrate with their mother on her birthday to be mindful of how our children played around the living room since he just spent a fortune renovating the place. Their eldest brother who too is a struggling man tried to reprimand him but was also given the same ill-mannered treatment melted on my husband. I am getting fed up of the entire thing. I want to go and confront him; to demand he stops humiliating my husband who until recently was the one who gave the most money to their mother. As it is, I really don’t care anymore what the consequences would be as my husband keeps giving the excuse of not wanting to destroy the family as reason for putting up with his baby brother’s arrogance. It is painful that my husband doesn’t act the man I want him to in this kind of situation. He is too soft for my liking and his attitude is really irritating me. What should I do? Sumbo. Dear Sumbo, Much as I appreciate your hurt and embarrassment at this whole thing, please don’t instigate any quarrel between you and your brother-in-law. Don’t forget that what binds them is very strong. The mother’s blood is very strong hence they can come back together in the future and you would be the common enemy. This is because their relationship with each other predates your own with their brother. They grew up together, have knowledge of each other that you don’t have and know the limits they can go with each other. To jump into their relationship midway is to put yourself on the firing line. I am sure this isn’t the first time in their lives that they are would be having such disagreements; the fact that you met them still on speaking terms means they have evolved their own way of resolving such disagreements. Also, that he could talk to their eldest brother in the same manner he talks to your husband means this boy isn’t saying or doing anything he hasn’t done before. There are certain kinds of situation you don’t join issues with a person especially one who is young and on an ego trip. If he obviously lacks respect for his elder brothers, isn’t mindful of how he addresses them or who is in the audience, what assurances do you have that he is ready to extend any courtesy to you? As a woman, you will definitely not be able to stomach his behavior and your reactions would only complicate the tense situation in the family. Your husband who hasn’t bothered to pay attention to his brother’s acid tongue may not be able to stand it when the insult is on you. He would be forced to join issues with his brother to protect you. This would unquestionably lead to both of them exchanging words and taking some very fundamental decisions that might go beyond you to the children. So many problems a lot of us are fighting in our foundations came about from situations like this. Therefore, before you act, consider the implications on your children as well as the essence of what you want to achieve by going to him. How much of difference is your talking to a man who is an adult going to make on his behavior? If his mother is obviously not able to bridle his mouth, what can you the wife of the brother he loathes, do? If he is as bad as you say, the story would be you came to beg him for money and decided to insult him when he couldn’t give you enough. Such people don’t learn their lessons from within the family circle; they get to learn from people outside. Furthermore, you should be careful to avoid being blamed for anything that might happen to him after your proposed confrontation. There is always an unexpected turn at every corner in life. Should that unexpected turn happen seconds after the confrontation; there is no way you can escape being the prime suspect. Your husband’s way though may appear weak and embarrassing to you, is still the best approach in life. Learn to ignore anybody who is seeking relevance which is what your brother-in-law is doing. Anybody who likes using the disadvantage of another person to feel important, is best ignored. As a woman who has the interest of her husband at heart, what you should do is to really pray for your husband’s to regain his former glory back. Once he is able to recover his money with the government, things would be better for him. You should also begin to plan for tomorrow; how you can help him improve his financial viability so when the finacial draughts comes you can still feed well. Rather than waste precious time thinking of how to confront your brother-in-law, help your husband come up with a business that he can diversify into alongside his contractor job. Don’t forget that his kind of business is seasonal and depends mostly on who one knows. But having a business on the side would help him keep his prestige as a husband and man. The best way to keep people like your brother-in-law in check is to succeed. This should be your goal, not joining issues with a man who probably has never worked in his life on account of the money his father left him. Only a person, who has worked hard in life, appreciates the struggles of another man. There is no way he can ever appreciate the challenges his brother is going through if he hasn’t experienced his kind of challenge. As a matter of fact, if there is anybody you should be talking to, it is their mother who in her lifetime is unwittingly destroying her children by her inability to put her last son in check. The mere fact that she didn’t say or do anything, shows that she may be the silent voice behind her last son’s loud one. You can go to her without fear of any consequence whatsoever. She is their mother and has the responsibility of shaping her children’s future. Even though they are all grown ups, she still has a task of helping them to imbibe the right attitudes and morals. As gently as possible, let her know where she went wrong in the training of her children. If possible, point her at the future implications of her inability to plant and nurture love between her children. Let her know that it could be the end of her dynasty after she dies. To get her to listen and take action, make it clear that people are already talking and saying that she is tolerating the situation because she didn’t have them for the same man and that the younger son is getting away with his behavior because his father is the wealthier of her husbands. This little information is to give her a reason to think and act. Above all, never forget to pray for the family since nothing is impossible before God. Good luck.

Is this guy serious?

Dear Agatha, I am in my early 30s. There is this guy who is 36 and whom I dated in 2010. He promised me marriage and I accepted. But in December of that same year, we had a misunderstanding over a simple issue and that was the end of the relationship. By January, 2011; he relocated to Abuja. In April 2012, he called to apologise and to ask we resume our relationship. He also demanded I come to meet him in Abuja. I knew if I go to visit him, he would want to sleep with me so I decided to test him by asking him to pay N20,000 into my account which would be enough for my travelling. He flared up and promptly asked me not to bother coming again and that I should never call him again. All of a sudden this June, he came back again; this time to declare his willingness to marry me and that he has come to the realisation we are meant for each other. I asked him to come over to Lagos if indeed true he wanted me for his wife. He said he can’t come to Lagos now that I should instead come to Abuja. He was in Lagos in March this year. I know he is hiding something. Please advice me. Worried Girlfriend. Dear Worried Girlfriend, For both of you to move beyond the point both of you are now, there is the need for both of you to talk about the past and future. Both of you must know what went on in your lives since you both parted. He must tell you the experiences that informed his current stance about you as well as those things that have changed about him. You too must be sure about him to venture into a relationship with him again because it is very clear that you don’t trust him one bit. Your reactions to him and his proposal isn’t the kind expected from a woman who is in love with the man in her life. There is only one conclusion to this kind of feeling; you are not very sure about what you feel for him at all. This, you must clear before you can both move on in life. No one but you can sort the reason you are not so excited about him; appear not to be bowed over by his marriage proposal. This is why you don’t trust him a little bit and are unwilling to take any kind of risk with him. The question is; what do you feel for him? And the follow up one is; do you think you can withstand him for the rest of your life? Many a time couples premise their marriages on notions and pressures. When a couple goes into marriage thinking they can change each other and mend bad bends as they journey on in marriage, they get to a point of acute disappointment because adults are the most difficult to change. Therefore, whatever you cannot change now, don’t make the mistake of many women who think they can change their men after the wedding ceremony. Besides, the beginning of a relationship is when a woman has the most power over her man. If he cannot create time out of no time to come over to Lagos to iron and fine-tune things between the two of you, be careful how you tread with him. He should as a matter of fact be the one coming over to Lagos to re-establish his authority over you. If he cannot make this necessary sacrifice for the sake of this relationship at this very tender stage, when is he going to make one for you? He is the one who wants to marry you and considering there is an issue on the ground between both of you; he should be the one to come first; thereafter, you can go to him as many times as you like. His coming would tell you how much you mean to him. If you go, you put yourself at his mercy especially if you don’t have enough funds on you to stay in a hotel. Besides, Abuja has become his territory; not yours so he has the advantage of familiarity with the environment to pressure you into doing exactly as he wants. In Abuja, he can do as he pleases with you. Besides, marriage shouldn’t be the first thing he should propose given the mountains of disagreements between the two of you. It has been almost two years you both stopped dating officially. So much could have happened between then and now. He shouldn’t assume you are always free for him to walk in and out of your life just like that. It is also wrong for him to think that all that is required is for him to offer you a marriage proposal and you would come running to Abuja without first clearing all those cobwebs of yesterday. No relationship works that way. If you make the mistake of jumping on board a vehicle or plane going to Abuja without first sorting things out with him, you just might be setting yourself up for disappointment and pains. A workable marriage must be pegged on realistic goals; not feelings and desires. Granted marriage is a product of sentiments but experience has shown it doesn’t work that way. Without a realistic and honest foundation, there is no cementing the bond between two people. Insist, you can only accept his offers if he makes himself available for you both to discuss why you have been having problems in your relationships. If both of you are finding it absolutely difficult finding an equilibrium in your current relationship, then how do you both propose to conduct a successful marriage? There is no sweeping all these discordant issues between both of you under the carpet at all. To do so is to build a store of future troubles in your relationship. Trust me these aren’t issues a couple discuss when sex is the main agenda of their meeting. He must have a sincerity of purpose, must be interested in the future of the relationship for both of you to have a meaningful result. Besides, why isn’t he enthusiastic about coming over to see you in Lagos? Is there any one or situation he is trying to avoid by coming over to see you in Lagos? Go to Abuja only after both of you have cleared all your outstanding issues and not before. Successful marriage can only be accomplished if done right and not in a hurry. Good luck.