With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am one of your regular readers and always like the way you answer questions.
My problem is that my mother is tribal. She is determined I don’t marry anybody outside the Yoruba race. Since I started dating, I have never had the luck of dating a woman from my side of the country. All the ladies I have dated so far are either from the eastern or south-southern part of the country.
But my mother is forever sending them away. I have tried to stop her hostility towards my girlfriends but it is of no use. The implication of her refusal is my inability to get a woman whom I truly love to stay with me.
Please help me.
Taiwo.
Dear Taiwo,
How old are you? Are you still an underage? In which case, you must continue to endure your mother’s interferences because you are still under her authority. But if you are old enough to be on your own, then you are to blame.
Your mother is still having her way in your love life because you haven’t made up your mind about what you want from life and women generally.
The moment you make up your mind, your first decision would be to get a house of your own to minimise the influence of your mother in your life. None of these women would stay if they have to constantly endure the unfriendly nature of your mother.
Your real test as a man is to first give yourself the space to grow your confidence by having a place of your own; where you can think without other influences of the type of woman you really want in your life.
There is no way you can really have an opinion of your own or a say in your life if your mother is determined to ensure her ways are the only right ones.
Besides, it would save you both a lot of tense moments if you have your individual spaces to breathe and think.
The essence of having your own place goes beyond giving yourself space from your mother; it is also to signpost you as a man who have come of age, able to make his decision, capable of being head of his home and manage the delicate balance between the two most important women in his life – his mother and wife.
Given your mother’s mindset, there is no way you would be able to convince any woman, no matter how very much she may love you to tolerate hostility from your mother on account of tribe. While a woman can make some adjustments in her attitude to accommodate the feelings of her husband and mother-in-law, opposition based on tribal sentiments are always so difficult to resolve. No matter what a woman does, once tribalism is the bane of her problem with her in-laws, especially her man’s mother, the patience to teach the woman the ways of the people as well as the peculiarities of her new family would be completely absent.
For a long time, the woman may only have to depend on the sole support of her husband to remain in the family. And if her husband is one of those who lacks a mind of his own, the woman is left alone to carry her can until such a time she is thrown out of the house due to outside influences of her home.
You must therefore, from this early beginning, begin to plan the quality of your happiness as well as that of your wife.
Before you bring in a woman into your life, who isn’t from your side of the country ensure you have all it takes to withstand and shield your woman from your mother’s hostility.
This is the most important task before you now. You may love a woman more than anything else in the world, but if you lack the guts and fearless attitude to protect her from emotional trauma, the love no matter how strong would suffer a major set back. The pains would not only be for her but you also get to suffer because the happiness you, as the man, would have enjoyed, being with the woman of your dreams, would also die a natural death leaving you with nothing but regrets throughout your lifetime.
Because happiness is not tribal, go to your mother to plead with her to allow you find your happiness in any part of the country or world God has placed it.
Impress it on her that your choice of these women outside your geographical zone is divine and that much as you have tried to contract a relationship with a woman from your side of the country, it hasn’t worked. You more than anyone else know your mother, her weakness and your place in her heart. Use your knowledge of her to weaken her position by telling her that where a person comes from isn’t as important as the person’s attitude and moral values. And that you could come from the same womb without having the understanding and temperament to cohabit in peace. To make your task easier arm yourself with information on the number of people in your area who though are from the same place but still went their different ways due to irreconcilable differences. Also look for examples of cross tribal marriages, which are working beautifully well.
If there are one or two persons, extremely close to her who enjoy her confidence and respect, send them to her to water down her attitude. What she needs is information and assurances that a tribally different wife would not make you forget her. Telling her this is more a function of whom the person really is than where the person comes from might also have some positive impact on her.
Sincerely, it is important you resolve this issue with her before deciding on the woman to marry. It would prevent the greater danger of you losing the woman to your mother’s hostility.
Telling the woman before-hand about your mother’s tribal nature would also help to prevent instant anger on her part. It would prepare her for the expected hostility as well as arm her with all the ammunition she needs to scale through.
The ladies you took home all ran away because you didn’t tell them before hand. If you had prepared them for what they were going to meet at home, one of them would have shown you the understanding to stay.
Once a couple is able to put in a place a structure of understanding, the strength and patience to fight for each other would be evolved.
Importantly, learn to pray so you don’t end up marrying the wrong bone to please the desires of your mother. To survive the natural challenges of marriage, it helps a great deal to be with your God-given partner.
Good luck.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
She junkets across the nation
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a graduate waiting for my NYSC call up letter.
I have a girlfriend whom I started dating since my first year at the university whom I intend marrying.
But I have a problem with her. She is so desperate to make so much money during her one year Industrial Training programme. This is resulting to her travelling from one state to the other, staying in different hotels.
As a young girl staying away from home and being on her own in all these hotels, I am worried about the danger she is exposing herself to. Anytime I try to point her at the immense danger she constantly exposes herself to, she thinks I am out to discourage her. What do I do?
Confused Guy.
Dear Confused Guy,
Trust her and give her all the encouragement to grow. Provided she isn’t jumping from one man’s bed to another, is determined to earn her money through hard-work, isn’t scared of working for her money, count yourself very lucky to have such an industrious young lady. It is refreshing to have a young lady these days who believes in making money through sheer hard work and not on her back.
She is probably very considerate; wanting to use this opportunity she has to make money to support herself knowing that you may not have enough to give her on demand.
There is always an element of danger in anything we do, even the most basic thing of eating. The danger of choking on food has not stopped anybody from eating or those whose members of family died from eating a meal.
Life itself is entrenched in danger. If we worry about all the major and minor dangers we daily face, we would be incapacitated by fear. Some people don’t even leave the comfort of their home to die of motor accidents or suffer from dangerous injuries resulting from accidents.
There have been incidents of people dying from stray bullets, which hit them right in the perceived security of their homes.
Yes, the conditions of the roads may spice up fear of her arriving at her various destinations safely, fact remains that only the grace of God is capable of sustaining us all.
If you belief in God and His awesome presence, allow her be because no amount of worrying would stop the hand of fate from ticking to its destination. The only thing that can is prayer. Wherever you are or she is, pray for her. Ensure you keep in touch through phone calls or text messages. This way, you would know when she is in danger and needs your help.
Besides, since these trips are sponsored officially, there is little danger of her lodging in a hotel or guesthouse that would put her in any real threat.
A lot also depends on how you handle your concern for her. No person is immune against concern; however the problem of reciprocation comes from how the concern is packaged or the motive of the one expressing the concern.
She would appreciate it more if she understands you are not complaining because you don’t trust her or suspects her trip of being anything other than the official business she presents to be.
If she suspects you of not trusting her to be a decent girl or using the trips as good excuses to cover up her other activities, nothing you say would make sense to her due to mistrust of your intentions and motive.
But once she knows that your concern for her are expressed because of the love you have for her and fear of losing her should anything happen to her, she would not only be more appreciative but also learn to slow down a bit on her drive to make money.
No matter how tough a woman is, once she comes to the full realisation of how much her man loves her and wants to give her his maximum protection against harm; she would strive to put his interest first.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a graduate waiting for my NYSC call up letter.
I have a girlfriend whom I started dating since my first year at the university whom I intend marrying.
But I have a problem with her. She is so desperate to make so much money during her one year Industrial Training programme. This is resulting to her travelling from one state to the other, staying in different hotels.
As a young girl staying away from home and being on her own in all these hotels, I am worried about the danger she is exposing herself to. Anytime I try to point her at the immense danger she constantly exposes herself to, she thinks I am out to discourage her. What do I do?
Confused Guy.
Dear Confused Guy,
Trust her and give her all the encouragement to grow. Provided she isn’t jumping from one man’s bed to another, is determined to earn her money through hard-work, isn’t scared of working for her money, count yourself very lucky to have such an industrious young lady. It is refreshing to have a young lady these days who believes in making money through sheer hard work and not on her back.
She is probably very considerate; wanting to use this opportunity she has to make money to support herself knowing that you may not have enough to give her on demand.
There is always an element of danger in anything we do, even the most basic thing of eating. The danger of choking on food has not stopped anybody from eating or those whose members of family died from eating a meal.
Life itself is entrenched in danger. If we worry about all the major and minor dangers we daily face, we would be incapacitated by fear. Some people don’t even leave the comfort of their home to die of motor accidents or suffer from dangerous injuries resulting from accidents.
There have been incidents of people dying from stray bullets, which hit them right in the perceived security of their homes.
Yes, the conditions of the roads may spice up fear of her arriving at her various destinations safely, fact remains that only the grace of God is capable of sustaining us all.
If you belief in God and His awesome presence, allow her be because no amount of worrying would stop the hand of fate from ticking to its destination. The only thing that can is prayer. Wherever you are or she is, pray for her. Ensure you keep in touch through phone calls or text messages. This way, you would know when she is in danger and needs your help.
Besides, since these trips are sponsored officially, there is little danger of her lodging in a hotel or guesthouse that would put her in any real threat.
A lot also depends on how you handle your concern for her. No person is immune against concern; however the problem of reciprocation comes from how the concern is packaged or the motive of the one expressing the concern.
She would appreciate it more if she understands you are not complaining because you don’t trust her or suspects her trip of being anything other than the official business she presents to be.
If she suspects you of not trusting her to be a decent girl or using the trips as good excuses to cover up her other activities, nothing you say would make sense to her due to mistrust of your intentions and motive.
But once she knows that your concern for her are expressed because of the love you have for her and fear of losing her should anything happen to her, she would not only be more appreciative but also learn to slow down a bit on her drive to make money.
No matter how tough a woman is, once she comes to the full realisation of how much her man loves her and wants to give her his maximum protection against harm; she would strive to put his interest first.
Good luck.
He may drop me for my friend if…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I appreciated your efforts in helping youths like me and married people in our society to really know who we are and what we actually worth. I pray that the Almighty God will continue to strengthen you and will do every thing you ask of Him.
I am a girl of 21 years of age in a relationship with a man of 27. I really love him so much that I would do almost anything not to lose him.
Before I met him, I vowed following the way my brothers and a lot of other men were cheating on their girlfriends never to fall in love with a man.
I simply wasn’t ready for the use and dump game or the emotional instability a lot of my friends were passing through as a result of the insincerity of their men.
Although I have nothing against having men as my friends, but it was having a relationship with them that I was afraid of. Due to my decision to keep my distance from them, a lot of them didn’t know how to come near me for a relationship.
Unfortunately, I met this guy who incidentally attends the same church with me. Being of the same church, beliefs and doctrine as me, I didn’t envisage any problem with him hence I allowed myself to fall in love with him. In no time, I was really in love with him, but my feelings for him didn’t prevent me from telling him from the beginning about my decision not to go to bed with a man until my wedding night.
Even though he agreed but I am now apprehensive at the way he is putting pressures on me to give in to his sexual demands. I am afraid if I don’t, it might lead him to dropping me for another girl.
A friend I told about the pressures he was putting on me told me to give in to his demands if I don’t want to lose him to another girl.
Despite these nagging fears, I cannot submit to sex with him because of the covenant I went into with God and my mother not to until my wedding night.
But I am now afraid at the way he relates with this girlfriend of mine. They chat, hug, and take delight in calling me an innocent born again. If he calls me twice in a day, he would call her five times that day. He even compares this girl with me; telling me she is a real big girl who understands life.
Agatha, please I am afraid that this girl might snatch him from me. All my efforts to make him understand that I truly love him and that sex is not love have so far fallen on deaf ears. I really love him and I cry all day and night at the way things are between us.
This is a very painful love; one I wish I didn’t feel for this man. Whenever I remember him, it makes me want to go mad. I wish I do not love him, because it is like it is running me mad. Please do anything possible to help me; I don’t know what to do again.
Blessing.
Dear Blessing,
Sincerely, you don’t need this man or friend in your life. Their presence in your life would only derail you. Friends are meant to encourage one to stay on the right track and not discourage one from doing the right thing. A good friend would give you all the support you need to be strong and stay determined not to deliberately set out to hurt you or force you to do what she wants.
Instead of romancing your boyfriend, friendship creed demands she continues to give you her support irrespective of what she thinks of your decision. That she is joining your boyfriend to apply emotional blackmail on you shows that she is somebody you must avoid if you are serious about keeping that vow of yours.
From the behaviour of these two, it is obvious that this man never loved you but simply wanted a chance to get close to you, break down your defences to enable him have his way with you.
This is one thing you must guard against. The answer to keeping your vows is not in avoiding men but in your determination to be focused.
Pains are part of falling in love. You are feeling very lousy, not from being in love with this man but from the betrayal of trust. You must have trusted him before you gave him your love. It is the betrayed trust in a relationship that brings about the pains you are now feelings.
Doubtless both of them have betrayed you in more ways than you even can imagine now. Their behaviour goes beyond the immediate issue of you sleeping with your boyfriend, but also of their faith and applications of the doctrine your church preaches.
If you don’t make the necessary effort now to wrestle yourself from the grips of these two persons, you may find yourself losing faith in the church and what its stands for.
Because of this, you must choose between what is very essential to you, your relationship with God, or allow yourself flow into a relationship that is already doomed from the beginning.
From the behaviour of these two; there is no guarantee that this man and your friend would still not date even if you agree to sleeping with him. For this man, it isn’t a matter of you agreeing to sleep with him, but that of him knowing what he wants from life.
Until he does that, you are not the right woman for him. You will only get hurt staying with him because your love is not what he wants now. Even though he and you attend the same church, the doctrine of the church means nothing to him. Sex would always come first with him and until he comes of age maturely, it wouldn’t matter to him where the sex is coming from.
If he has any respect for you, no matter the temptations your friend offers him; whatever he feels about your decision not to have sex with him or the reason he has for whatever it is he is doing with your friend, he would first consider your feelings. That he seems indifferent to the aches and pains in your heart over his conduct is evidence of his lack of sensitivity to you.
The man you need is the one who has enough respect for you to put his feelings second to your own. Love is about selflessness. To have sexual feelings is normal so what his feelings isn’t out of place, but what is definitely out of place is not putting your reason and feelings before his.
A man who loves you would not mind the emotional discomfort of not being able to sleep with you now; knowing that he would eventually have all of you to himself when the time is right.
In the matters of life, our covenant with God is the most important. He remains the only stable force in life turbulent ocean. If you forsake God out of fear of losing this man – who would you turn to when this man decides to leave you for other woman? Who will heal you of the pains of betrayal and disappointment?
I think you should count yourself very lucky he manifested himself before you changed your mind about sleeping with him. How would you have felt if after giving of yourself to him; he still drops you for another girl on account of the other person being more experienced than you or that he has fallen in love with that person? It could have been worse and your pains more grave.
Keep insisting you would not give to his demands and that if he loves you; he would willingly wait for you to be ready for him.
Yes, the pains of first love may hurt deeper than others but you would overcome it. Time, the greatest healer, never fails to do its work. And because you did it for God, He would give you a man who would always put your interest and happiness before his.
You are feeling the pains because you didn’t ask God for His input before going into the relationship. Had you looked beyond the physical structure of the church to the church in his heart; his real person through prayers, you would have known the storm he represents in your life.
Whatever you do, don’t allow the pains and acute disappointment you have experienced with him stop you from falling in love. The beauty about life is the many times we are able to recover after each fall.
All you have to do is to remain focused by refusing to take the popular options. The most beautiful results we get from life are usually from the difficult options we take.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I appreciated your efforts in helping youths like me and married people in our society to really know who we are and what we actually worth. I pray that the Almighty God will continue to strengthen you and will do every thing you ask of Him.
I am a girl of 21 years of age in a relationship with a man of 27. I really love him so much that I would do almost anything not to lose him.
Before I met him, I vowed following the way my brothers and a lot of other men were cheating on their girlfriends never to fall in love with a man.
I simply wasn’t ready for the use and dump game or the emotional instability a lot of my friends were passing through as a result of the insincerity of their men.
Although I have nothing against having men as my friends, but it was having a relationship with them that I was afraid of. Due to my decision to keep my distance from them, a lot of them didn’t know how to come near me for a relationship.
Unfortunately, I met this guy who incidentally attends the same church with me. Being of the same church, beliefs and doctrine as me, I didn’t envisage any problem with him hence I allowed myself to fall in love with him. In no time, I was really in love with him, but my feelings for him didn’t prevent me from telling him from the beginning about my decision not to go to bed with a man until my wedding night.
Even though he agreed but I am now apprehensive at the way he is putting pressures on me to give in to his sexual demands. I am afraid if I don’t, it might lead him to dropping me for another girl.
A friend I told about the pressures he was putting on me told me to give in to his demands if I don’t want to lose him to another girl.
Despite these nagging fears, I cannot submit to sex with him because of the covenant I went into with God and my mother not to until my wedding night.
But I am now afraid at the way he relates with this girlfriend of mine. They chat, hug, and take delight in calling me an innocent born again. If he calls me twice in a day, he would call her five times that day. He even compares this girl with me; telling me she is a real big girl who understands life.
Agatha, please I am afraid that this girl might snatch him from me. All my efforts to make him understand that I truly love him and that sex is not love have so far fallen on deaf ears. I really love him and I cry all day and night at the way things are between us.
This is a very painful love; one I wish I didn’t feel for this man. Whenever I remember him, it makes me want to go mad. I wish I do not love him, because it is like it is running me mad. Please do anything possible to help me; I don’t know what to do again.
Blessing.
Dear Blessing,
Sincerely, you don’t need this man or friend in your life. Their presence in your life would only derail you. Friends are meant to encourage one to stay on the right track and not discourage one from doing the right thing. A good friend would give you all the support you need to be strong and stay determined not to deliberately set out to hurt you or force you to do what she wants.
Instead of romancing your boyfriend, friendship creed demands she continues to give you her support irrespective of what she thinks of your decision. That she is joining your boyfriend to apply emotional blackmail on you shows that she is somebody you must avoid if you are serious about keeping that vow of yours.
From the behaviour of these two, it is obvious that this man never loved you but simply wanted a chance to get close to you, break down your defences to enable him have his way with you.
This is one thing you must guard against. The answer to keeping your vows is not in avoiding men but in your determination to be focused.
Pains are part of falling in love. You are feeling very lousy, not from being in love with this man but from the betrayal of trust. You must have trusted him before you gave him your love. It is the betrayed trust in a relationship that brings about the pains you are now feelings.
Doubtless both of them have betrayed you in more ways than you even can imagine now. Their behaviour goes beyond the immediate issue of you sleeping with your boyfriend, but also of their faith and applications of the doctrine your church preaches.
If you don’t make the necessary effort now to wrestle yourself from the grips of these two persons, you may find yourself losing faith in the church and what its stands for.
Because of this, you must choose between what is very essential to you, your relationship with God, or allow yourself flow into a relationship that is already doomed from the beginning.
From the behaviour of these two; there is no guarantee that this man and your friend would still not date even if you agree to sleeping with him. For this man, it isn’t a matter of you agreeing to sleep with him, but that of him knowing what he wants from life.
Until he does that, you are not the right woman for him. You will only get hurt staying with him because your love is not what he wants now. Even though he and you attend the same church, the doctrine of the church means nothing to him. Sex would always come first with him and until he comes of age maturely, it wouldn’t matter to him where the sex is coming from.
If he has any respect for you, no matter the temptations your friend offers him; whatever he feels about your decision not to have sex with him or the reason he has for whatever it is he is doing with your friend, he would first consider your feelings. That he seems indifferent to the aches and pains in your heart over his conduct is evidence of his lack of sensitivity to you.
The man you need is the one who has enough respect for you to put his feelings second to your own. Love is about selflessness. To have sexual feelings is normal so what his feelings isn’t out of place, but what is definitely out of place is not putting your reason and feelings before his.
A man who loves you would not mind the emotional discomfort of not being able to sleep with you now; knowing that he would eventually have all of you to himself when the time is right.
In the matters of life, our covenant with God is the most important. He remains the only stable force in life turbulent ocean. If you forsake God out of fear of losing this man – who would you turn to when this man decides to leave you for other woman? Who will heal you of the pains of betrayal and disappointment?
I think you should count yourself very lucky he manifested himself before you changed your mind about sleeping with him. How would you have felt if after giving of yourself to him; he still drops you for another girl on account of the other person being more experienced than you or that he has fallen in love with that person? It could have been worse and your pains more grave.
Keep insisting you would not give to his demands and that if he loves you; he would willingly wait for you to be ready for him.
Yes, the pains of first love may hurt deeper than others but you would overcome it. Time, the greatest healer, never fails to do its work. And because you did it for God, He would give you a man who would always put your interest and happiness before his.
You are feeling the pains because you didn’t ask God for His input before going into the relationship. Had you looked beyond the physical structure of the church to the church in his heart; his real person through prayers, you would have known the storm he represents in your life.
Whatever you do, don’t allow the pains and acute disappointment you have experienced with him stop you from falling in love. The beauty about life is the many times we are able to recover after each fall.
All you have to do is to remain focused by refusing to take the popular options. The most beautiful results we get from life are usually from the difficult options we take.
Good luck.
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