Dear Agatha,
I am in severe dilemma over what to do about the development in my relationship.
I am a 22-year-old girl in a relationship with a 38-year-old guy. We have dated for close to seven years now. My first question is on whether the age difference between us is okay?
The guy in question is not what I will term bad because he has a nice heart but I don't understand him.
He has kids from two women. It was only recently I got to know about the existence of the first child. When I asked why he didn't tell me about her from the beginning he said it was only recently that court granted him limited custody of the child.
When I asked about the child's mother, he said they weren't together, the same with the mother of his second child. He said the mother of his second child being a Muslim he didn't get the blessings of her family to marry him because he is a Christian. The girl stays with his sister.
The challenge now is that he is always having girls around him. Each time I check his phone, there is always a message from a girl, which gets me upset most of the time.
When I confront him on these messages, he either denies knowledge of them or says they mean nothing. Sometimes he tells me to ignore them, as I am his prime interest while on other times too he begins a defence of his relationship with them. He ends up apologising to me.
What he does of late is to delete the messages. I though he had changed going by his recent behaviour but to my dismay, I found out I was very wrong from the target.
This I found out when I went to his house. On getting there while making the bed I discovered a fresh male sperm on the bed-sheet. It was obvious what he had been up to behind me.
I was so angry I left his house but controlled it sufficiently by sending him a text asking if he was truly happy being with me. When he didn't reply, I called him; we talked briefly and he didn't make mention of the text message I sent him. He terminated the call hastily with excuses of wanting to take another call on hold. Minutes later, he called back only for me to hear him talking with another girl in the background.
I was so angry, I called back to ask for the identity of the girl he was talking to only to tell me he wasn't in the mood for my question. He also asked if I heard him making love to the girl on the phone.
I didn't say anything in response. Till date he hasn't called to explain anything to me knowing I would be upset.
Agatha, I don't know what to do. I love this guy very much but I am beginning to consider my options. I am not sure any more about this relationship going by his attitude.
For the seven years we have been together, I have never strayed despite the temptation provided with the number of male admirers. There is this guy who has been on my trail for more than two years begging for my attention. He has done everything humanly possible to get me but because of the strong love I have for my boyfriend I refused to consider him. Now see what do I get in return for my faithfulness?
Agatha, I want to know if this relationship is viable because I am beginning to lose interest.
Naomi.
Dear Naomi,
Unless this man is ready to settle down, there is little or nothing you can do to make him change his mind. You may be his longest girlfriend but his mind isn't made up about what he wants from you or the many women he surrounds himself with.
You have a choice of either accepting him for who he is or walk away from it all.
Agreeing to stay means you have to learn to be extra tolerant and appreciative of the peculiarities of his nature, the side of him that is in love with women, and see nothing wrong in his way of life. The naked truth is while we all strive for partners that are absolutely faithful to us, not everyone is built to remain faithful to one partner. If you decide to stay, the sacrifices would be more on your path. It means drawing from a deep reservoir of strength, patience, and friendship to calm him down as the years roll over. At this stage, unless God intervenes, there is little you can do to make him change his mind or ways of life. To insist is to alienate yourself from him as it is already happening. Currently, he is like a young teenager angling for the freedom to follow his or her heart. To attempt to curtail this freedom is to court mutiny.
Until your man's interest in women expires, if you must stay with him, learn to ignore this side of him and his many indiscretions.
The fact that you have stayed with him for seven years shows that the relationship has its fulfilling moments, that in his twisted way, he cares for you. Granted your definition of care and respect are two distant poles apart, there is, however, a special bond that has kept you two going for this length of time.
But it is a choice you must prepare yourself for, both emotionally and psychologically, because it can drain you totally. It means at all times you should be prepared for the worst and to pray ceaselessly.
It also entails you looking deeper than the vexing issue of the girls to his other strong qualities, the type that is rare in all the men that have come your way so far. Importantly, think of what you would miss the most and if down the road, this habit you find so objectionable now would still matter as it is to you now.
However, don't stay a moment longer if you know you cannot cope with it anymore. Don't pretend about your strength or ability to cope because you will eventually buckle under the strain of the psychological turmoil of watching other women dance around your man.
At this stage, it is in your interest to be ruthlessly honest with yourself than opt for the option you would forever regret.
At this important crossroad, go to God in absolute prayers and total submission to His will for you. If God says go, listen, because He has a reason, but if He tells you to pull out, do it without questioning Him.
Good luck.
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