Dear Agatha,
I was 44 early this year. Despite having several relationships when I was young and even till now, I am still unmarried.
All my friends are married with grown up children. Some of these children are already in the university. All my sisters are equally married. The last girl got married three years ago and already has two children.
Before my mother died, she never ceased to worry about my lack of marriage proposals. I think worries about me might have contributed to her death because she and I were very close. Being the first child, I became her strength when my father died. I practically had to step into my father’s shoes of providing for the family as no member of my father’s family showed any interest in our welfare.
Being from a humble background, her people could only provide us with moral support.
My reason for writing to you has to do with the first marriage proposal I have received in my life. However, it is coming from a married man who is in his 50s. He has three children; two boys and a girl. The two boys have graduated while the girl is in her final year.
He has made it very clear that his interest in me isn’t to have children but to have someone he can really be happy with in his life. I met him shortly after my mother’s death three years ago and since then he has been on my neck to marry him.
I have kept on resisting him because from an early age, I made up my mind not to date any married man.
The funny thing about this relationship is my getting pregnant with ease for him, another first in my life. The first time it happened two years ago, without telling him, I had a quiet abortion after which I tried to prevent another occurrence.
Without meaning it to happen again, I got pregnant three months ago. I didn’t even know it until I got confirmation from his doctor after several treatments for malaria that refused to go.
I didn’t know how it happened because I still had my coil in place.
Now the pressure is so much from everybody around me, including all my friends, who have given up any hope of me ever getting married.
But the snag is my pastor insisting it isn’t right to marry a married man and that if I go ahead to marry him, I would lose my place in the church. Already, I have been suspended from my duties as head usher following my confession of being pregnant.
I am really confused. Do I insist on terminating this pregnancy or what?
Every member of his family, including the wife and children are aware of his relationship with me as well as the pending baby. As a matter of fact, his wife told me when she came to see me that if I would give him the happiness she can’t, she was all for it. She also cautioned against me making her mistake. She said, I should always make him happy.
Deliberately, I have refused to get involved in whatever problem they seem to be having since neither of them is willing to talk deeply about it.
Agatha, what do you suggest I do because my doctor says at my age I am very lucky to get pregnant and that I may never be this lucky again.
I am so confused because in this man, I see everything I have always dreamt of in a man but I don’t know why this package comes with prohibitions. Please help me.
Derinola.
Dear Derinola,
Perish whatever idea you may be having about terminating the pregnancy. You did it once, don’t do it again because that would be taking the mercy of God for granted.
He only knows what he is doing or what he wants to achieve by this situation. No man or woman can guess God’s reason in almost all matters.
It is instructive that he is the first man who has been able to get you pregnant as well as the first to offer you a marriage proposal. This is one typical situation where God goes against the norm of men to achieve the expectations of men.
He is an unquestionable God, one who doesn’t need anybody’s permission to do as he pleases.
Whether your pastor likes it or not, a decision has been taken by God so who are we to stand against it?
This is the mystery of His name and powers. Biologically at 44, you have very slim chances of being able to get pregnant again because you are fast approaching menopause. Socially, at 44, you are past the age men fall over themselves in search for your hand in marriage. If you were unable to get any of these men to propose marriage to you in your younger days; how do you propose to do that now?
Forget what the pastor is saying; go to God on your own because this is a very personal issue between you and God. From what he has done with you, it is obvious that his plans for you are completely different from the way he deals with others.
If he wants you to marry this man as his second wife, your meeting with him would point you in the direction to go. You are at a very delicate crossroad in your life; one that requires you to completely entrust your all to God, to look past the condemnation of men and listen to what instructions he gives to you.
Most times, what seems so wrong in the eyes of men; always turns out to be a blessing in disguise. God alone knows the sacrifices this man has had to put up with in his marriage. He alone knows why the two of you were brought together and allowed this child happen despite the family planning device you had in place.
Give yourself up to the desires of God because what is happening in your life is beyond you or anyone.
As for the baby, ensure you and your man come to an agreement whether or not you both decide to marry. Adequate provisions must be made for the baby outside the joint interest he and his first wife may have.
This is to ensure your baby’s future is secured and also to prevent rancour between you and his other children should anything happen to him.
Once you both agree to what your limits are in the relationship and refuse to be used by him or his family to inflict more emotional injury on his wife and children, things would work out eventually. Even though she has offered you her support and encouragement, don’t do anything to incur the wrath of God when you eventually get to know whatever the problem is between the two of them. Believe me, marriage is a very slippery and uncertain voyage and no one ever has all the answers to it. Only the grace of God helps to sustain the institution.
Despite what has happened, never leave the presence of God due to guilt. The time for that is long gone. Had you declined his offer from friendship from the beginning this wouldn’t have happened but who are we to question the ways of God?
If the leadership of your current church is hostile, ask God to direct you to another place where you can worship him in peace and happiness. Above all, always remember that nothing in life happens to any of us without the express permission of God. So, see what is happening to you as answer to all the petitions you have sent before his throne. You may not like the format the answers are taking but learning to accept them as your cross is the only way God’s ways and reasons can manifest. To take laws into your hands is to destroy the will of God for you because you cannot please both man and God at the same time. Only God has the right to condemn; not you, not me or even a servant of God.
Good luck.
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