Thursday, May 28, 2009

Her Bad Manners Frustrated Me To Make Wife Out Of Our Housemaid


Dear Agatha,

I am 40 years of age and have been married for 10 years without a child. Sometime last year after a very bitter quarrel with my wife, she stormed out of the house for her parents.' This has been the pattern of our marriage. After every disagreement she leaves for her parents and comes back only when she likes.

Even though I am comfortable on my own, she was born with a silver spoon and has been over pampered from birth.

I can't pretend I didn't notice or wasn't warned by my family and friends about the consequences of marrying such a woman but I was so much in love with her that I didn't care about any other thing.

I was desperate to marry her and that was it.

Against my expectations, our 10 years of marriage have been very difficult especially as we didn't have a child of our own. Initially, I didn't bother but as time went on, I became very lonely especially as she developed the habit of going over to her parents' place whenever she feels and as long as she likes.

Four years into our marriage she got pregnant and I was very happy only for her to terminate it when we had a misunderstanding over her sense of decency.

She likes dressing in body hugging and revealing dresses. I was very hurt and for the first time reported her to her parents. In fairness to the father he was shocked at her conduct and told her never to come to his house again but the mother only glossed over the issue insisting that the morning sickness may have affected her psychology.

Since I didn't want my own people to remind me I wasn't in charge of the marriage like they have always told me, I lied she had a miscarriage but deep inside of me, I knew nothing would ever erase the incident from my mind.

The incident that led to my writing you happened in December last year during the Christmas period precisely. Since she refused to come home after the disagreement I went out with friends to be happy. When I got home, the house-help had prepared a delicious Christmas meal for me. Although I was tipsy from drinking on an empty stomach, I was also very hungry. In addition to the quantity of alcohol in my system, I drank more brandy to get over my regrets at marrying the wrong woman. I don't know what snapped in me but I found myself tearing at the house-help who was waiting for me to finish my meal in her room. I actually raped her because she fought me all the way.

Though I apologised later, the deed has been done. She wanted to leave the next day but I begged her to stay that it would never happen again.

From her parents' place my wife left for England and didn't return until the end of February. She was the one who discovered that the house girl is pregnant and has been asking her to tell her who is responsible.

I don't need any doctor to tell me I am responsible even though the poor girl has continued to lie about the paternity of the child.

Since then my wife has refused to leave the house or allow the poor girl to leave either. It was only last week when my wife went to see her friend I got the opportunity to ask her about the paternity of the child.

She told me what I already knew and says she refused to say anything because she didn't want my marriage to collapse. She offered to have the baby on her own because it was too late for her to abort it now.

Confused, I told my best friend and my elder sister about it. They are of the opinion that I should move her out of the house and give her all the care and attention she needs, I noticed my wife has suddenly become caring and attentive to me but for me it is too late. From the conduct of the house-help who is actually a secondary school leaver I find myself falling in love with her and very willing to send her to school. For me, my marriage was over the day my wife callously aborted our child, though I just lacked the will to let go but now I have a reason to live again.

Please Agatha, help me. I am so confused.

Alex.


Dear Alex,

One thing you should never be confused about is that baby. Don't ignore the mother and child. Give them all the love and care because this child and its mother are innocent party in all these.

Wisdom demands you take her out of that house to protect the mother and child. There is no way your wife would ever allow her house-help takeover her home without putting up a bitter life which may jeopardise the safety of the unborn child.

Whatever the situation is between you (you and your wife), she deserves some respect. It won't be right to flaunt the product of your illicit lust with the house-girl right on her face. She may have betrayed your love and confidence in your marriage, the fact is she is still your wife and until you divorce her, what you have done with the house-girl is illegal.

Whatever how reasonable or justifiable you may be, you are wrong to have descended to the level you did with the house-girl. In the first place, you betrayed the confidence of the girl and her parents who released her to work for you and your wife. She trusted you to have continued to stay on as a lone woman in the house. Raping her was a total abuse of her body and trust in your person. What you did makes you as guilty as your wife whose behaviour pushed you into what you did.

In all these, you must never let the girl take any blame for a situation she lacked the strength and power to prevent. Getting her a comfortable accommodation is the least you can do for her now in her present condition. The fact that she took to serve your family in the capacity of a house-help shows that her parents are not in very comfortable condition finance wise. In addition to sending her to school, ensure you establish her in a business that will enable her continue to do her responsibilities to her parents. Every thing must be put in place to ensure the problem you got her into doesn't affect her life and dreams in any way beyond the damage you have already caused her.

Also, you must take steps to let her parents know what happened. Don't capitalise on her refusal to say anything, ignore what you to have to do if you hope to be part of the child's life. While it may not be possible for you to marry her, it is expedient you take full responsibilities for mother and child because you asked for this complication.

In addition let every member of your family know the damage you have caused this girl. Let them know before the baby is born about its existence. At your age, it would amount to massive irresponsibility to keep the existence of your child a secret from the majority. Everybody who should know has a right to be told because it takes the effort of two persons to produce a child but the concern of an entire society to care for the child.

The cold fact is that your wife may not be willing to divorce you as you are hoping she would. Without being told, her change of attitude shows that she suspects more than you give her credit for and only bidding her time for her suspicions to be confirmed to tighten the noose around your neck. If you lacked the will to terminate the marriage all these years, even when she did the incredible of terminating a pregnancy you had hoped for four years into your marriage, what gives you the impression it would be easy for you now to throw her out of your life?

Yes, the prospect of having a baby at last may be a motivation for you to summon the courage to terminate the marriage, but it is usually not easy to end a marriage no matter how bad the union is.

Doubtless, the picture you painted is really bad but more terrible marriages have been known to bounce back from the abyss.

Whatever the consequences are, be bold enough to admit paternity of the child to your wife to enable you both trash out all the outstanding matter between the two of you. Be bold enough to use the opportunity provided by your mistake to tell her precisely how you feel about her attitude as well as the attitude of her parents to your marriage of 10 years.

Don't allow whatever it is you feel for the lady who is pregnant for you blind you to the voice of reason or prevent you from admitting your own faults too. It is important you table all grievances to enable you take a decision you both won't regret years down the road.

If indeed you are tired of the marriage, let your reasons be real, not influenced by the idea of another woman carrying your baby. This is because until the issue of the baby came into being you never gave any thought to the house-girl as a woman of her own. Remember you raped her to get to this point. You raped her out of anger against the treatment your wife was dishing out to you and out of acute loneliness. It could have been another woman for all you care. She just happened to be that woman so you also have to consider your real interest in her. Would you have ever considered her as a candidate for your bed if things were different?

You must feel something real deep for her to have made you endured her attitude for 10 years. This is the time to consider what that thing really is despite the massive emotional pains you are going through. If that thing is as solid as gold, it may help both of you give your marriage another try, if she is willing to change as well as acknowledge her mistakes.

Issues like this do have a way of humbling people.

Whatever the decisions you have to take; please give God pride of place because He sees and knows everything about us. Let His words be your light and give you the required wisdom to do what is right for everybody at the end of the day.

Good luck.