Thursday, September 17, 2009

He Cheats On Me, Yet Finds Ground For Flat Excuse


Dear Agatha,


Please, I have a very big problem. I have been in love for four years now, but the problem is that he is not telling me the truth. I know, because I have caught him severally.

I noticed that when a girl calls him on the phone and I am within hearing range, his answers to whatever the lady is saying would be in monotones of ‘yes, okay and no.’

Thereafter he would tell me the person is either his business partner or a male or a colleague. But whenever I call the number afterwards, I will hear a female voice.

Because I love him so much, I refuse to be bothered by this, but the situation is becoming unbearable. Two weeks ago, while putting together his dirty clothes to wash, I came across a pack of condoms out of which two were missing. To show him I had seen it, I removed it from the top where he had hidden it and placed it on the drawer before going home. I just kept it on top of the table and went home.

I honestly expected him to call me to either apologise or come up with an excuse, no matter how stupid. He didn’t call until two days later, only for him to tell me that unless I ask questions I won’t know anything; that until I ask questions concerning how the condoms got to his house, he won’t discuss the issue with me. And that if I think he is cheating on me, I should quit.

However, a week after he called me to come and wash his clothes. I went over, washed his clothes and cooked his food. He didn’t make mention of the condom issue.

Right now, I am so confused. I hate his attitude towards me.

His neighbours are always telling me about his other women, but I don’t believe it because he always swears with his life that he can’t cheat on me, and that no girl enters his room except me. This makes the condom thing to bother me.

If I am the only one in his life and he isn’t cheating on me, who is the condom for?

Agatha, what do think I should do? Quit the relationship or give him time to change. Do you think he would ever change?

Chy.


Dear Chy,

You must be very careful to avoid ending up with two pains in your heart. You may have dated this man for four years, but in reality you lacked the knowledge that goes with growing a relationship.

If after four years you are still struggling with the teething problem of trying to establish your place in his life, it means your four years have been wasted on the wrong values.

From his reactions to you, it is obvious he lacks respect for you. Even if his friend brought the condom to his house, the ideal thing for him to have done, knowing the impression your discovery of that incriminating evidence could have caused in your mind, is to have called you immediately to explain its presence in your home. Even if he had to lie at that point to ease the tension created by the discovery, he should have done just that.

To totally ignore your feelings and insist he won’t discuss it because you failed to ask him is totally wrong.

Again, it points to a fundamental flaw in your relationship. Unless both of you come together to discuss the future of this relationship, you will never get over the issue of loyalty, trust and respect.

So, there is the need for you to go back to him to ask questions regarding his feelings for you. Begin by telling him to explain who owns the pack of condoms, and who were the missing two used for. If he says they belonged to his friend, ask him how come this friend didn’t take his date to his own house and why did he leave the condoms behind? Also ask why were the condoms hidden and not placed in an open place if he had nothing to hide?

His response and temperament would tell you if he is telling the truth. I know and support deploying patience in growing a relationship, but there is a limit to it. Don’t allow love to blind you to obvious hints about dangers ahead. Calling you to come and wash his clothes as well as cook his meals when he has refused to discuss the vexing issue of the condom isn’t too tidy. Such a matter is too serious to be swept under the carpet or ignored.

Just as it takes two to tangle, it also takes two to grow a relationship. Unless he is willing to help you, your efforts to keep this relationship going would fail. It will definitely get to a point your efforts will collapse.

Therefore, the wise thing to do now is to sit back and revaluate your relationship. Do you think this man is half as interested in you as you in him? In your four years of being together, were you to score the quality of respect he accords you, how would you grade him?

And if you have the evidence through monitoring his calls that he is indeed involved with other girls, how come you are so certain that he has not been lying to you? What do you think his neighbours stand to gain by telling you about all these other girls? If you don’t believe his neighbours, how come you are thinking of quitting the relationship? Something definitely must be the problem for you to be contemplating on this action.

Granted, trust is essential to the growth of a relationship, but the worst injustice anyone can do him or herself, is to lie about naked facts. It is called deceit and only a fool does that. You must learn to be honest to yourself if you plan to be happy in life.

Admitting that he has a problem with being faithful is the ideal thing to do, because it will help you come to a more practical way of handling this flaw in him. If you know how important he is to you and how strong your love for him is, it would be easier for you to handle this aspect of him once you know precisely what you are in for, it will help you deal with the peculiarity of his person as well as take a firm decision on this issue.

To help you, these are some of the questions you should ask yourself. Do you think he is taking you for granted, playing on your intelligence? And importantly, do you think you are stupid to be a willing victim to his plans?

Change would depend on how strong your shock absorbers are as well as the depth of your patience. It will also come from how well you can pray.

Just learn to be very honest to yourself. Once you are, you will know what to do.

Good luck.

Why Don’t You Package Your Past Works In Book?


Dear Agatha,

It is my pleasure to suggest that you put down all the past questions and answers on your relationship column in a book format for a particular price. If in volumes, better. I hope it will be much more helpful as people will have access to your past works when the need arises. Thank you and may God grant you more grace to continue the good work.

Paul.


Dear Paul,

Thanks for the suggestion. We are working towards that.

Agatha.

Lonely Hearts

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Ngozika



Dear Agatha,

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