Monday, November 8, 2010

Still bland on marrying me 12 years after…

Dear Agatha,
I’m a lady of 28 years of age. My fiancé and I have been dating for more than 12 years now. He is the last born and only man of the family. Both
families supported the relationship until 2008 when his mother died.

It was after the death of his mother that they got to know that he built a house in our names. All his sisters condemned him for including my name in such an important project. They all wondered why he did that considering the fact that we are both not yet married. In their reasoning, it shows that I will prevent them from having unhindered access to their brother and his property when we eventually marry.

We are still on the matter. Agatha, I am surprised because this is a man who has done so much for his father and sisters to establish them and make them independent of him.

Painfully, my fiancé is weakening my position in his life and family by his attitude. One of the reasons they are giving for opposing his decision to include my name in the house documents has to do with the other ladies he has also introduced to the family. There is this one in particular, I have noticed around him for two years. When I confronted him, he had the grace to admit having a relationship with her. As a matter of fact, he confessed to being in love with the lady just as he is with me.

His sisters have decided he should marry this other lady. According to the sister, what pains her about the whole development is the pregnancy my boyfriend asked the other lady to terminate. There is another lady who is always calling me on the phone to insult me. When I complained to my boyfriend, he apologised on her behalf.

According to his sisters, they would prefer he remains single rather than marry me.

Although I have indicated my interest to terminate the relationship, he is unwilling to let go of me just as he is also determined to hold on to the other lady. The lady is a northerner while we both come from the western part of the country.
Please, Agatha advise me on what to do because I have told him off. But he keeps saying, I shall surely come back to him even if out of anger I marry another man. I can’t explain it all.

Worried Fiancée.




Dear Worried Fiancée,

The issue goes beyond what he wants to what you want. This is a man you have dated for 12 years. What prevented both of you from making your relationship permanent? It couldn’t have been due to lack of money so why did you both wait for this long? What were the issues you were both having in the relationship until things got to this point? Has he always had women in his life all these years? If not, at what point did he change?

For him to have added your name to the documents of his house shows his feelings for you are real and that he has sufficient trust in your person. However his insistence on having the other woman too in his life along side you indicates that he may not be the kind of man that is satisfied with having one woman in his life.

To be able to understand him, you must be objective about your relationship with him as well as his flaws and yours. Who is this man you have dated for 12 years? What are his plans for himself, his idea of marriage and his major concern in life? Having been with him for these number of years, you more than any of these women is in a better position to describe him. What has kept both of you together all these years? Would you describe him as a womaniser? Do you think he would ever let go of the other woman once his mind is made up about her? Since you appear unwilling too to go, do you see yourself agreeing to marry him irrespective of his other women? Do you see him being able to offer you the kind of protection you need against the hostility of his family members?

Is the issue of the name on the documents the only reason his family is now against you? Why is the death of his mother affecting your relationship with him? Have you ever been pregnant for him before? Has he insisted you get pregnant for him?

If you had, why did you terminate the pregnancy (ies)? Were the decision to terminate his or yours? And if you have never been pregnant, do you think this could be the reason he is insisting on marrying another woman? Why does his sisters prefer the other girl to you?

Have you in the course of your relationship with him given his family the impression that without you nobody can have access to him?

Your problem with him could also be that you have both outgrown your relationship. If you are 28, you obviously started dating him when you were merely 16 years of age. At that time, you didn’t know what you were going into. Besides your dream and interests then were of a different kind, not the kind you have with him now. Chances are both of you may have grown apart in ideas, feelings and dreams even though you have been able to keep the relationship going.

Having become too familiar with yourselves, the relationship may have reached a peak you cannot move it forward for lack of ideas on what to do. This challenge, if properly handled, could help you in particular know your area of strength and weakness. Unless you develop the thirst to move it forward, it could all collapse like pack of cards. To get this right, you must begin to look at your man from a fresh angle; revisit your dream of your ideal man as well as the qualities you found in him then and what you now know are real and fake about those qualities that attracted you to him.

This isn’t the time for you to pretend to want what you know you cannot cope with down the road. Doubtless, you would miss not having him in your life but admitting to the truths now would help you know what realistic steps and options you have. At this critical point in your relationship, you need to take some drastic steps and one of them is calling him for a very frank discussions. Let him tell you what you don’t know about all that is happening between the two of you and why he isn’t satisfied with having only you in his life. Insist he tells you what your faults are with a view of helping you avoiding them later in life. You have to know what his mindset is to enable you determine what your final decision would be.

The issue may just be a temporary separation to refresh on your dreams. Going down memory lane helps a great deal in helping couples heal the disappointments in their relationship. You are no longer 16 but a 28-year-old woman, who is now more matured and in charge of her life than the innocent girl that entered into this relationship 12 years back. Unless she is given a chance to express herself, just like your man too need to come out of the age he entered into this relationship and enter his current age both of you would continue to experience this confusion.

Doubtless you are both fond of each other but your adults’ selves must come out of the decisions your teenage years made for you urgently. You must answer the question of whether you both want to marry or not, as adults. This declaration would help him come out with the truth he is obviously battling with which, in fairness to him, he may not even know.

The earlier you did this the best for you because time is of essence to you.

However, don’t ignore the issue of a spiritual angle. When did this present girl surface in your relationship? Was it before the mother’s death or after?

In making the final decision, please find time to be with God. Pray and fast because whether you like it or not, this relationship would affect you in more than one ways especially if both of you are throwing in the towel. It would be 12 years of your life that would be ending. Therefore you must be assured by God that you are on the right part, so the pains of your break up would not prevent you from falling in love again or pressure you into dating someone who is all wrong for you.

Such moments would also point you at the adversary in your relationship. Ask God to deal with all your confusions himself.

Good luck.

She goes angry for expressing my mind…

Dear Agatha,

What is wrong in telling a lady you are meeting for the first time that you love her? I am 32 years of age. There is this lady I met at a fast food shop. Something in me melted when I saw her but to my embarrassment when I approached her to declare my love for her, she did not only snap at me but also called me a fool. I felt bad and humiliated by her attitude. What did I do wrong?

Worried Man.



Dear Worried Man,

So many things are wrong with your approach and utterances. You don’t meet a woman the first time and tell her you love her. Such a declaration is not only annoying but presents the man as unserious and lacking in knowledge of what love really is. If she insulted you, it is because you gave her the weapon to. Coming from a man of your age, must have really irritated her beyond measure. If a young man, just coming up in life makes such a statement, he can be forgiven because he lacks the experience to know there is a world of difference between admiration, likeness and love. But certainly not from someone who has gone through some stages in life.

Besides, such a declaration at first meeting is an indication that you are only interested in her body and not who she really is. Love isn’t that cheap, it comes with a lot of sacrifices. Granted there are some people who actually fall in love at first sight, but for most people, it isn’t that easy. Even when you fall in love at first sight, caution demands you devote sufficient time to find out about the person behind the façade. Love is too important a feature in one’s life to be given such an insignificant treatment.

No woman worth her salt would fall for such a prank. At 32, this woman expected you to be wiser, full of experience to know that it takes more than an outward appearance to make love grow. Love is the meeting of the persons inside, not the one everybody sees. It is a soul meeting of two strangers, who are resolved by what they feel to make their union work irrespective of what happens down in life. It is an embodiment of friendship, trust, loyalty, endurance, unconditional sacrifices as well as determination. Love is a meeting of the soul and spirit. It goes beyond the physical. True love that comes from a fountain of friendship is at all times ready to forgive. It is not only blind to faults, but also oblivious to one’s looks. It constantly sees problems as challenges that give life true meaning, always ready to make excuses where others see faults.

This comes from the person’s disposition, character, attitude as well as general attitude to life. Love nurtures respect, responsibility, humility and openness. These are things you cannot determine at first meeting. As a man searching for the right woman, it goes beyond the physical presentation of a woman. What do you know about the woman you claim to be in love with? Does she in the first place share in your dream, is she respectful and has the right kind of attitude to help you achieve your dream in life? Would she always be your best friend, offering you the kind of support that overshadows any doubts and clear signals of failure?

You don’t get these things at first sight. Any man or woman determined to have happy marriage should be more interested in the inner package the person he or she intends marrying. When next you see a woman you admire, don’t succumb to the overwhelming feelings inside of you, simply give her a compliment on her looks. This way, you get her to smile in appreciation of your comments. That smile has broken the ice and you could ask for her phone number.

From her reactions to your demand for her phone number, you would know if she is gamed or not. Don’t mention the word love until you are sure who she is after several meetings. Always remember, a woman is more than her appearance and body; women want to be appreciated for their intellect as well as for who they are. Love is not a fast food feeling or venture. Rather, it is a journey of absolute patience to get it right. It needs thorough cooking to get its right texture.

Good luck.

Man avoids body contact with me

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for being there for us.

I have a relationship that has lasted almost a year now. It all seemed good at inception, but things later became unclear as I found it increasingly difficult to decode what my man wants from the relationship.

We are both in our 30s. Looking back, I really cannot say I have been happy in the relationship as it seems I have been the one working to keep it going. At a point, I called him to let him know that we haven’t been able to achieve our expectations for the relationship; that we should consider going our separate ways for good. But he wouldn’t hear of it and promptly promised to make amends.

Six months into the relationship, he started talking of plans to see my people. Shortly after, I couldn’t resist his sex advances anymore; six months into the relationship, we had sex for the first time. Surprisingly, I became pregnant. Even though we took measures after sex, the child still stayed. We both agreed to keep the pregnancy and formalise the union before the stomach starts bulging.

Few weeks later, I had problem with my accommodation, he suggested that I move in with him, while gradually planning for the traditional marriage.

Agatha, my dilemma is that things seem to have changed suddenly. He no longer has respect for me, approaches me in manners that are abusive, unfriendly and insulting. I have realised that he is very harsh. Communication is totally lacking in our relationship. I don’t know what to say or do to change his attitude towards me.

He stays glued to the television watching movies day in, day out ignoring my need for him. Even when I requested for his presence, he tells me he will join me soon, but keeps away still. He rejects my sex advances and avoids body contact with me.

I have tried to fathom what could be responsible for this, but have not found any answer. I know I am clean, so he cannot be irritated by my appearance. I am afraid for this union because it is a caricature of the kind of life I envisaged with him.

Furthermore, we both work. I give him breakfast of bread and tea in the morning, he has his lunch while at work and for dinner, I prepare either pap and beans cake, noodles or yam and egg or vegetable or rice. This has been the routine. I would like to experiment with other dishes as we appear to be fed up with the same meals every week but Agatha, I have no clues on what else to prepare.

Please, how do I get the love and affection of this man back? I can’t imagine myself spending the rest of my life with a man who sleeps on the same bed with me, yet refuses to touch me even though he knows how much I desire having sex with him. If things continue like this and we get married, one or two things or both will happen. I will either be unfaithful to him by having affairs outside or would be frustrated and kill myself. What we have right now is just a house and not a home. It’s so boring. What do you advise? There is so much distance between us; we can’t even freely share our thoughts.

Worried Woman.







Dear Worried Woman,

There is so much that go into building a good relationship. It is a tortuous journey and one which requires absolute patience, wisdom, diplomacy, sacrifice, determination and understanding to make it work.

One year is too short for both of you to get the required understanding to push on.

I like to compare the process of getting to the ideal relationship to the process of washing the bitterness off a bitter-leaf. Without patience and dedication the washer will not get it right. The same technique is required of a relationship and marriage. There is no rushing the process or a short cut to tolerance. As a matter of fact, relationship requires more than mere tolerance to make it work, it requires stupidity on the part of one of the parties to get it into shape.

In this instance, you would have to learn to be tolerant to make your relationship with this man work.

Frankly, you both didn’t give yourselves and this relationship time to grow a proper tap-root before the pregnancy came.

A relationship planned for eternity requires more than what both of you invested into this relationship to make it work.

Before both of you destroy something that has the potentials to be good, there is the need for you especially to go back to your drawing board. This is because often time, the past provides us with pointers on how to navigate the future. Rich in experience, the past is our heritage for a better tomorrow. Can you remember what first attracted you to this man as well as the thrills of those embryonic days of your relationship? Why him from among the many offers you had? That you settled for him shows that there is more to him that your current situation is permitting you to remember.

The essence of this exercise is to remind you of those things that never change about us. No matter how situations and states of our minds deceive us into thinking otherwise, those first feelings we feel for our partners never really change. They remain buried in our minds and only need certain level of concentration to bring them back and remind us of those things that are most important.

The real challenge is our willingness to go down memory lane when present circumstances crowd our minds with negative thoughts.

This kind of reflection would also help point you at the mistakes you have also committed along the way. Because of the intensity of your emotional pains as well as the disappointments you currently feel at his behaviour, chances are you may not even think you are to blame for anything.

Can you think of your contributions to this impasse? How much has your attitude affected his’? During the process of emotional pollination and integration, we import not just the positive but also the negative. The influence of our negative importation most of the time inform the reactions we get from our partners who out of disappointments begin to exhibit attitudes that end up becoming our major cause of irritations.

Has your being pregnant unconsciously affected the way you relate with him? For instance, has it given you the confidence to call his bluff on certain issues, taken it for granted that you have him whether he likes it or not? Sometimes we put certain attitudes without pausing to evaluate its implications on those close to us.

You appear more concerned about the sexual side of this relationship than in other areas. Has it occurred to you that the fear of being a father, his lack of unpreparedness could frighten him off sex for a while? And for some first time fathers, the thought of making love to their women when pregnant scares them for fear of hurting the baby growing inside the womb.

Planning for marriage and a baby at the same time isn’t easy. These are both capital intensive projects a man doesn’t venture into without making proper arrangements. He could be bothered about where to get money to sustain you and the baby. That you are both working isn’t enough for some men.

From your own admission, your culinary ability isn’t wide enough to excite any man. What you give him are things he can do on his own so what is the essence of your being in his house?

You need to cultivate is palate with dishes he would always want more of. It would do you a world of good to know what he likes and learn to do it differently. A talk with his mother or sister would give you clue into what he wants.

Most men are like babies and like a mother, you have to think ahead, guess what makes them most happy. Look for an elderly woman to teach you the secret of good cooking; not with modern seasonings but with those native spices that never fail to bring on the smile to even the most difficult man to please. You have to help remind him of his mother’s cooking. Also get another person to teach you contemporary cooking. You just must find a way of getting him to stay excited.

Don’t force communication. It is always best to lead by example. Open up on yourself. Engage him in general talks before moving on to personal talks. To do it right, find out an issue he is passionate about and use it as a spring board for your communication.

On the issue of sex, you can get him to do your bidding without talking or making it obvious. Get music, the right kind of night-gown, the right kind of pants, perfume and the right touch of make-up here and there to get him rushing into your arms. He may not like a woman making the first move but you can help fire his interest.

Above all, learn to pray for your home; your husband and unborn children. For most people, it all started as a house, it became a home through determination to weave our own pattern of memoirs into it. Home doesn’t happen in a day, it takes years of investments to achieve. If nothing, thank God for the early start, at least you have no illusion into what you are getting yourself into.

After my mother slept with my fiancé…

Dear Agatha,
I am 25 years of age and still live with my parents at home. I won’t describe my parents’ marriage as ideal as my father is forever accusing my mother of having extra marital affairs. Sincerely, he isn’t off the target as my mother specialises in dating younger men.
Severally my father has had to send some young men away from our premises, who come asking to be employed as drivers. Since I spent the better part of my life away from home: entered into boarding school from JSS 1, beyond what I experience during the holidays and the complaints of my younger ones, I can’t say categorically that I know my mother very well.
All I know is that she is very fashionable and beautiful as well as a socialite. Unlike my father who is more into his children and home, my mother doesn’t care much about us.
We have all come to accept her for whom she is and the times I am at home or when my father comes to visit me in school. I always tell him not to bother too much about my mother. I often tell him that after 26 years as a couple he should be used to her ways by now.
It is an open secret that my father is the one keeping the marriage; my mother doesn’t care one bit about it. As a child, can’t recall when she went to the kitchen to cook, I don’t even know what the taste of her food is like. She is that bad.
Although I have always known my mother’s weakness for young virile men, not once did it occur to me that my mother is capable of sleeping with my own boyfriend.
About three months ago, I brought my fiancé home to meet my parents. He finished before me and travelled to England to further his studies. He came back about four months ago to ask for my hand in marriage. Since his parents were familiar with me, I brought him home to inform my parents of our intentions to spend the rest of our lives together. My father has also met him while he was still in school.
My mother was at home on the day he came. We all agreed on the day his parents would come to meet mine. Three weeks after, they came for formal introduction and to agree on a date for the introduction and wedding.
It was during the period of our wedding planning that I ran into my mother and fiancé coming out of a hotel close to the house of the caterer I contracted for the wedding.
While I was still trying to fathom what both of them could be doing in that place, my mother oblivious of who might be looking gave him a quick peck on his lips before zooming off in her car.
I didn’t need to be told what they had gone to do in the hotel. My boyfriend didn’t know what to say when I called out his name. Right there and then he confessed and started begging for my forgiveness. He claimed not to know how it all happened; that all he remembers is my mother inviting him over for discussions concerning the wedding plans.
I am pained and so confused. Agatha, our wedding is on December 18. I want to end it all. There is no way I can go ahead with a wedding to the man who has slept with my mother. The worst thing is my mother’s attitude. Even when I confronted her with what she had done, her attitude was ‘so what!’
My boyfriend and his best man have been pleading with me. My chief bride’s mate who has been my friend since our childhood is of the opinion that my mother must have charmed my boyfriend and that the best way to deal with her is to forgive my boyfriend and go ahead with the marriage.
I am so confused. I haven’t told my father anything since I don’t want to hurt him more than she has hurt him all these years. Please tell me what to do. He is the only man I have ever fallen in love with in all my life. We have been together for five years and not once has he cheated on me. Even he was away, he kept calling me religiously everyday for the 18 months he was abroad. Once he sent money down for me to visit him. He has been that dedicated to me. He is still insisting he doesn’t know how he ended up in the hotel with my mother.
Todun.

Dear Todun,
Frankly, a lot would depend on how much you can forgive your boyfriend. You are the one who wears the shoes; you know where it hurts you the most.
You are at the junction in life where you must take a census of the past to enable you plan right for the future. When matters become this complex and inexplicable, it is always best to deep in perception. Refuse to be guided by the evidences that you are seeing now. In cases like this, these might not be of help at all.
To achieve this, you must strive to bury your pains else it would becloud your ability to think straight and take a right decision. The reason for this is to avoid regrets later down the road in your life.
From your own account, he has always been dedicated to you and obviously has earned your trust. Has he ever lied to you? Do you think he is telling the truth about not knowing how he and your mother ended up in the hotel room?
What do you think might have been your mother’s motive for sleeping with him?
Going by what you know of him, do you think he would take such risk with your mother? What do you think he was after sleeping with your mother? Deep down do you think he would risk your love and trust for him to be caught sleeping with your mother?
Now that you have had time to think, call your boyfriend again and demand for explanations from him. This time, using the knowledge you have of him as your springboard, listen to his story. Let him repeat all that he told you all over again. Ask questions where you are not clear. Thereafter, go and confront your mother with what your boyfriend told you and challenge her to deny the bit about using charm on your man.
If she is proving difficult, threaten to go public with what she did to you. Let her understand that you have refused to inform your father not out of fear but because you love and trust your boyfriend and that whatever happened between the two of them must have been manipulated by charm on her part.
Your vote for the integrity of your man would spur her to blow up. Listen carefully to her outburst because from there you would get clue into her motive as well as substantial truth concerning what happened between your man and her.
The reason for the threat is not for you to be rude to your mother but to get her behave off guard to get closer to the truth. Even though her conduct deprives her of any respect from you, resist the urge to be.
Without being told, it should be obvious to you by now that your mother needs help. What she is doing isn’t normal and if care isn’t taken, she may push your father to his limit. There is a limit to how much a man can take. Someone has to stand in gap for your family and mother because her reputation would eventually rub off on you and your female siblings. This is a matter for which you must seek spiritual help from your pastor to resolve. Her behaviour isn’t normal at all. The involvement of a minister of God in this would help point you at the direction to pray. No matter how much you are hurting, please don’t rush things for the sake of every member of your family.
December 18 is still far. You still have time to think and pray for God’s directive. You need Him so you don’t make a very costly mistake.
Granted, a lot of damage has been done by what you witnessed and trust is broken, yet the issue is whether he is telling the truth that your mother charmed him. This is the key to this problem. However, look into your heart, can you forgive him? This is a very personal thing; it is a decision nobody can make for you. It has to come from your heart because you are the one who will live with the memory and consequences of your decision. If you can, do but ensure you both live somewhere very far from your mother’s charm.
And always place your husband and home under the authority of God because out there because women like your mother are abound.
Good luck.