Not Set For Altar, But Goes Crazy Seeing Man Around Me

Dear Agatha,

I am 25 years old and in a relationship with a man who is a year older than I am.

Apart from lacking the qualification, he has only Senior Secondary School Certificate. He is not set for marriage and I’m not getting younger. For now, I have so many suitors requesting for my hand in marriage all of whom I have rejected on account of this man.

The worrisome thing about all these is his attitude when he sees me with other men. He is actually a very jealous person. As a result of his jealousy, I need your help before it gets too late.

Confused Lover.

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Dear Confused Lover,

Before you can both dream or conceive marriage, there must have been something on ground. He must have told you that he wants you enough for keeps and you must also see his preparedness towards achieving the goal.

In addition you must have also begun investing something towards helping him achieve your joint dreams. Marriage doesn’t happen simply because a couple desires it, rather it comes from working towards its actualisation.

From all indices, you desire marriage but not the hard investment that goes with it. This attitude spells trouble in that you risk getting into the hands of the wrong man on account of your hastiness to end up in a man’s house.

You don’t talk about marriage in a vacuum. Agreeing to a relationship doesn’t mean the same thing as agreeing to spend the rest of your lives together.

The man must be as ready as the woman for a marriage to take place. You cannot be talking about marriage to a man who has no job, barely able to feed and lacks a roof on his head.

What sort of marriage and home would such a man offers a woman?

You are definitely at the age when all sorts of men come for your hand in marriage. It isn’t out of place but a lot of what happens afterwards depends on your understanding of what the institution entails and expects of both parties.

Be careful you don’t end up with a man who is full of promises but very empty on delivery.

If you actually feel something for this man, your first worry won’t be leaving him for another man. You should challenge him into performance. Yes, he has little education but that doesn’t make him incapable of achieving something in his life. With the right kind of woman, he can achieve the impossible.

What project or line of business have you tried introducing him to? How have you helped drawn him nearer to his goals in life? In the first place, do you even know what his dreams for himself are let alone his dreams for both of you? Sincerely, if you knew what his dreams were, you won’t be in this state of confusion because you will have right in front of you the dream of achievements.

No matter whom you end up with, if the foundation is empty, devoid of dreams, plans and determinations on how to get to the dreams, you may never be happy. This is a choice we make along with the partner we decide to be with from the beginning of our lives.

The only way a woman can encourage any man especially one like yours, still trying hard to find his momentum in life is to show unconditional understanding. Even if you are so much in a hurry to leave him for another man, don’t make it appear as if you are leaving him on account of his lean wallet. To do that would destroy the little confidence he has in his ability for a very long time.

Before you decide to leave this man, ask him what he intends to do. If he can’t get a job, what business is he planning on doing and how he intends to fund it?

One question you must never fail to answer is your confidence in him. Do you have enough belief in this man that despite all the evidences before you, he has what it takes to make it in life?

Your answer is in your ability to confidently respond to this question. If you have enough confidence in him as a man, your age wouldn’t worry you as much as ensuring this man is happy with himself.

Good luck

At 33, No Viable Man In My Life…

Dear Agatha,

I will be 33 years old in a few months, still I do not have any man to call my own. What is wrong with me?

What can I do to attract responsible men to myself?

I am just being principled and descent but people think I am too strict.
What do I do?

Worried Lady.

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Dear Worried Lady,

There is huge difference between being uncompromisingly rigid and being principled. Sometimes in our attempt to be too principled we unwittingly become stupidly unbending in our attitudes and presentations.

Being principled doesn’t make one unreasonable or develop an attitude that puts everybody around on the defensive. It is also not about condemning other people whose views don’t tally with one’s own or acquiring bothersome attitudes that more often than not leave people around you irritated. It is also not the same thing, as being cynical about life itself. Many a time people who present themselves as being principled through their sense of self-righteousness colour the views of others as inferior or blemished.

Being principled must also never rob a person of his or her sense of humour or reason. Life is about different hues of colours with seasons attached to it. These seasons come with their light moments as well as serious memorials. Anybody who under the guise of being righteous arrogates to him or herself too much importance and seriousness end up a lone ranger.

For a woman looking for a life partner, there are some traits that discourage a man from staying around you long enough to propose.

For instance, a woman who nags at everything anybody does, feel offended at the slightest hint of perceived provocation, would not only be boring as partner but also kill the interest of any man in her.

It takes more than a man meeting a woman to make a relationship work. Between when a couple meeting and saying ‘I do,’ are so many factors at work, incidents that can strangulate or ignite the relationship.

One of the things that can make a woman stay long on the shelf outside spiritual problem is her attitude. When a woman lacks the right kind of manner, she opens herself up for rejection.

What are you doing wrong? How would you describe yourself, principled or rigid? Are you so cynical that you see nothing good in everybody else but yourself?

A woman lifespan is too fragile to be mortgaged on the premise of being too rigid. Yes, certain principle is non-negotiable when it comes to some moral issues but to apply a blanket approach to everything that has to do with life always boomerang.

Can you identify the areas you have unwittingly injured yourself by your attitude and self-importance? Can you tell where you have crashed your own boat of happiness with your stubborn refusal to see things from the viewpoint of others, especially that person interested in having you for a partner?

If you are honest and willing to come down from the platform of perfection you have placed yourself, you will eventually get someone who wants you enough to keep you.

You can be very honest and forthright without being confrontational or annoying. You cannot afford to live life on one lane and be happy. Life is a combination of everything. It is what gives life its unique touch. Learn not to take yourself too serious by laughing at and with yourself. Once you master the act of being at peace with yourself, you will become a better as well as an understanding person to those around you, appreciating the fact that since we weren’t created to be the same, we come with our different attitudes and gifts. So the strength of the human race is to lean on each other for support, strength, wisdom, understanding and care. No one has it all. The moment you realise that, you will learn to be less critical of others around you and know that correction can only be done in love and not condemnation.

To attract the right men to yourself, you must be decent, accommodating of the shortfalls of others, as well as patient. You must begin your transformation by accepting that God is never late, early but always on time. To get to this point and work in line with the timetable of God, you must be trusting and enduring.

When a woman is respectful and responsible she makes things easier for the man who comes her way.

Agreed, some men do not have marriage in mind when they approach a woman for a relationship but once exposed to the unique qualities of the woman, they end up staying around to marry her.

Be rest assured that once the right man comes and finds your attitude bearable, he would not leave you like all the others.

Good luck.