Mum complains of her humble background…

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am currently in a bit of a mess concerning my marriage and relationship.

Before my current situation and relocation to United Kingdom, I had a relationship with this lady from Delta State. I had gone to the extent of introducing this lady to my parents and immediate family members as the lady I had wanted to marry.

My mother opposed because the lady wasn’t from our tribe and came from humble background. I stood my grounds.

Contrary to what I expected, she stood by me even when things were very tough and rough for me. But when it got to a point where I was just not relevant to her in anyway she started changing and the quarrels started coming. I noticed that each time I called her line from the UK it was always busy and when I accuse her of getting involved with other men she tacitly consented by saying to me that if other men don’t admire her then there was a problem with her physical outlook.

I felt very bad but kept my cool until one evening when I called her line and she wouldn’t pick her call. When she eventually answered the next day she explained to me that she had been with a new man at the time I was calling and as she was speaking she started crying, telling me that she had betrayed me.

It was painful, but I moved on. I eventually met a single mother of one through whom I got a white-collar job. One thing led to another and we became an item.

By this time my ex-girlfriend had started calling me again trying to make up with me and as I was already involved with another woman, I told her I would prefer a platonic relationship with her.

Things moved rather quickly between the woman and me in my life resulting into my moving in with her and the son.

And then the problems started. She would always search my personal effects, go through my phones and e-mails and foment trouble if she saw things relating to other ladies including my sisters and female friends with whom I had nothing.

These actions of hers informed the closure of my e-mail accounts as well as changing my telephone numbers to ensure she didn’t feel insecure anymore. She would also compare me to her male boss at work asking me to carry myself the way the man carries himself; she would lash out at me angrily when I sought to know if anything was bothering her. I had to cut off all association with all old friends to make this lady happy. Although we had sex initially we stopped as she thought I was taking the Mickey out of her because of our intimacy. I was not perturbed by her decision because I wasn’t really getting the best from her.

However, we had some peace for sometime and prompting us to mull over the idea of marriage. Then came the day we went to get an engagement ring. She insisted for an engagement ring that was exactly worth my one-month salary. We had a bit of a disagreement about this but I concurred for the sake of peace.

We eventually got married and six days after our civil marriage she moved out of the master bedroom because I snore. That was when I knew that marrying this lady was the worst mistake of my life. I knew I was in the biggest mess of my life.

I remained a gentleman and kept my cool not worrying her for any form of intimacy whatsoever even though it was difficult not to since I had gotten used to her.

It was also after the civil marriage that I got to know that she was heavily indebted to the banks. I was now expected to take care of her and her love child.

Somehow, she got hold of an old flash drive of mine that I had been looking for since I moved in to her house and which contained the pictures of my ex-girlfriend. We quarrelled like we had never done before. Our pastor tried to intervene but the dissolution of our marriage was just a question of time.

While at work one day she sent me an e-mail saying she was done with the marriage. We went our separate ways towards the end of last year.

I later got in touch with all my old friends as well as my ex. I discovered she wasn’t married. She said pressure from her family including the uncertainty facing us at the time and her inexperience contributed to that blunder. She begged for forgiveness and even though I am still seething from anger over two failed relationships that have happened in quick succession, I have found it in my heart to accept this lady back.

Agatha I am back with this lady and she knows all about what transpired between my ex wife and I. She has been brilliant in the way she has managed the crisis times particularly when I get into my terrible moods. She has been so prayerful, fasting and telling me to remain steadfast in God. We have grown quite close. We have progressed in leaps and bounds. I don’t want to make any mistakes anymore. I know we might not be of the same social status but I love this lady to have taken her back.

I am bothered about my parents coming up with the issue about her humble background again. I now know more from the experience I had in my just previous three months old marriage, that it entails a lot more than social status and money.

I have come to understand that marriage entails happiness, peace of mind, tolerance and lots more. I need your candid view about my current situation as I am considering coming back after I have sorted out my divorce.

I need to know how to handle my parents and win their support regarding marrying this lady, as I am not ready to get into another terrible mess. I have also committed this into God’s hands as I pray about my current situation all the time. Please your advice will be taken quite seriously as I am very careful about whom I talk.

Worried Man.


Dear Worried Man,

Having entrusted this relationship to God, I am sure He would clear and smoothen all rough edges. He knows all our tomorrows from today and has never gone wrong.

You and your girlfriend got derailed by impatience, lack of experience as well as trust in God. Had both of you overlooked the challenges you were both passing through at that time, none of this ugliness of your present situation would have happened.

Having gone through the baptism of fire, I am sure you are now more matured and experienced to handle matters of the heart.

Frankly, it is too early for you to begin something new. It doesn’t matter if she is your ex or not, the fact remains that you haven’t really sat down to consider all angles to the issue of your marriage to the other woman before jumping on the boat of reconciliation with your ex.

The incident of the past months with this woman may have left some very bitter taste in your mouth but there is still the need for you to consider the possibility of you coming back together.

And you can only be sure, you are completely over her if you give yourself enough time to think and come to a decisive conclusion. You must be sure also you are not using your ex as a rebound like you obviously used her when your ex left you for another man.

It would be so unfortunate if you allow yourself to migrate to and fro these women ceaselessly. This is the time for you to be very decisive concerning your future.

Before proceeding with this lady, be sure there can never be anthing between you and your wife. No matter how short-lived your marriage to her was you must have been closely connected at one time for you to have taken such steps despite knowing her kind of person.

Are you sure you won’t feel regrets later in life about your decision to leave her and go back to your ex? Are you sure you won’t miss not having her in your life on certain occasions? Is there something very outstanding you will never be able to forget about her? It is also important you are sure you are not using your current relationship to mask your pains and disappointments.

Continue with this other lady only if you are really sure that there is no possibility of you and your wife coming back together, you feel absolutely comfortable in her company.

As for the issue of your parents, there is nothing to it as long as you are sure of your love for each other and the dreams you both share. Background isn’t what makes a marriage work but the determination of the couple in it. As long as you and your woman agree to close rank, face every challenge with dignity and fear of God, accord each other respect as well as support, you have nothing to fear.

But all these would depend on true forgiveness. You must completely let go of whatever pains or sense of betrayal you feel by her actions. There are occasions you would, after deep reflection, blame her for all the secondary issues arising from your hurried marriage to the other woman. It is essential you completely forgive her. If you don’t, your relationship with her may never come to its full potentials.

Despite the lessons of her past experience too, there is the need for both of you to talk about your experiences as well as fears. Also, you need to be sure of her all over again.

If you have any question concerning her past conduct, don’t bottle it up. Ask for the purpose of clearing up any backlog of issues.

Once your mind is made up, do whatever you have to do urgently so you don’t leave gap for temptations.


Good luck.