Dear Agatha,
I need help. I am married and my husband lived a very careless life in the past. He had so many girlfriends before we got married.
When we got married, he promised to change from his old ways. I believed him even though I still had my doubts considering that most married men are having one affair or the other.
However, giving this allowance didn’t mean I was ready to share him with another woman or expected him to go into an affair with another woman.
Prepared psychologically as I was of the possibility of him going back on his words, I didn’t find it funny.
Unknown to my husband, I was already aware of his extramarital affairs because I was always in the habit of using his phone to send text messages or make distant calls to my friends and family members in Nigeria from where I joined him in the United States after we got married. Besides, since I wasn’t working, I still rely on him for money so cannot effectively manage my own phone if I have to call home regularly.
One day, he gave me his phone to read a text message from my aunt. As I searched to read the message, I noticed some strange text messages he sent to certain numbers. Initially, I ignored the first, only for me to notice a second message for another number. This time, my curiosity got the better of me so I read the messages. It was similar but different invitations from him to two girls. In the messages, he asked which hotel they were to meet. He also begged them to pick his calls as he desired to make them his. He promised to take good care of them.
I felt so disturbed. He deleted those messages from his phone. His work involves working at night so I started monitoring his calls, only to discover that he calls two other women at around 11.30 p.m. almost on a daily basis.
I guess he sometimes forgets to delete the numbers from his dialed and received calls because when he comes home I would always view his call list.
The disturbing part of it all they will call his cell phones at home during the weekends; his day off and he would immediately tell me he wants to take our five-month-old baby for a walk something he seldom does unless as a camouflage to reply the calls.
Agatha, imagine him forgetting my birthday for the second time since we got married. Even when I was in
I really need your help, because I am so confused. I don't know whether to call those girls and have a chat with them or to confront my husband. I would have confronted him but one big problem we always have is that he refuses to listen whenever I talk to him. He thinks he knows it all and that I should never question his authority. He feels that whenever I ask him about anything; I am questioning his authority as well as attempting to control him. This is fallout of his past experiences with girls and stories his friends tell him about women controlling their husbands.
I need your help. I do believe in God for everything but I need someone to really help me out.
Confused Wife.
Dear Confused Wife,
You don’t have any business with these girls because if your husband didn’t create the opportunity for them to be part of his life, they wouldn’t have been present.
To call them is to cheapen your position as the woman at home as well as advertise your insecurity.
Besides, confronting the girls could lead to several problems for you because you really don’t have anything substantial that can stand the test of time in defending your suspicions. Those calls as well as text messages are perishables because once they are deleted they cease to serve their purpose of being exhibits. So, these girls and your husband can turn round to accuse you of embarrassing them as well as of unlawful accusations. Your husband could turn round too to deny knowledge of such things without concrete proof on your part. If you don’t handle the issue very well, you could end up being the one made to apologise for the matrimonial crime he is committing. He could also use your out-pour to unveil his yet to be visible agenda.
Therefore, it is in your interest to play it cool and resist the temptation of engaging any of these girls in any form of conversation. They should be kept out of whatever efforts you make in getting your husband to respect his vows to you.
Also, you cannot be sure he is dating these two girls at the same time going by the time you claim he calls them. Would he be dating these girls at the same time; meeting them at the same hotel, at the same time? For that matter what are his sexual preferences?
You can only tackle what you know. What do you know about the man you married beyond his exotic tastes for women?
What you should do is to confront your husband the next time you come across such messages before he remembers to delete them. When it comes to saving a marriage, fear should be eliminated because the more you are imprisoned by fear; the more damage is allowed to reign in the marriage.
Doubtless, you must at all times accord your husband every respect he deserves as the head of your home. This isn’t the same thing as fear. Fear is destructive and could eventually lead to the collapse of the union because it would lead you to a point in which you can no longer endure the situation and consequently lead to violent eruption in the end.
His reception to your query would depend on how you handle it. To get a husband off an affair, the wife must learn to be humble as well as put certain things in place. First, you must begin by doing a thorough self-appraisal. On a scale of 1:10, what is your love life like? For a man who is used to a variety of women, what exciting alternative do you have to keep him by your side? As a matter of necessity, you must improve on your act. Like I always say, be your husband’s prostitute; you have a licence for it; don’t pretend or be outraged by whatever engages his passion in the bedroom. If you don’t do it, there are countless other women who are willing to take your place and do it. So, don’t waste precious time worrying about those other girls; they are not worth your time.
An addiction is something that cannot be buried within a day. It takes a gradual process and a lot of incentives to get a person off the hook. That he promised to remain faithful to you doesn’t mean he can do it effortlessly. He also needs your love through unconditional understanding, care, support, patience, respect, responsibility, loyalty, endurance as well as plenty of prayers.
Cook good food for him, find out what excites him about other women, dress to fit the part of his mistress, he has to be reminded that you are a woman and still has what it takes to be beautiful and attractive to him.
You have to make him want you in every way possible so much so you would be the only woman engaging his thoughts. Send him text messages; woo him with your body, gifts, neat and peaceful home, premium sex, quality companionship as well as unconditional friendship. Use the advantage of being his wife to make it work for you.
It is only after you have invested all these you can bring up the matter of how much he hurt you with his relationship with these girls.
Above all, learn to pray with all your heart. Pray as if it is going out of fashion. Matrimonial issues like this are best fought on one’s knees, not through a physical means. You will never win without the presence and support of God. Use His wisdom and knowledge to discover all the secret things about your husband. If you know how to link God, all these girls would become past issue.
Good luck.
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