Monday, May 18, 2009

Any Wisdom Hooking A Lady That Makes Unreasonable Demands?


Dear Agatha,


I’m 30 and deeply in love with a 400 Level student of Lagos State University, LASU.

I met her three years ago and have gone out of my way to ensure I make her happy, meeting her needs. I even assist in paying her school fees when the occasion calls for it.

I haven’t made love to her because she says she is a virgin and I have indicated my interest in marrying her. I do take her out, buy things for her and even assist in her study.

Sadly, she seems to think I am a big boy due to the efforts I put into making her happy. She has taken to making unnecessary demands.

My question now is whether she can make a good wife?

Worried Man.

Dear Worried Man,

It depends on what she wants from life. If her vision is to live on the fast lane and doesn’t care about where the money is coming from, she may not make a good wife but if it is just a habit she recently picked up from friends or on account of your willingness to meet her every need, it is something you can still change.

To help make up your mind, you have to go back to the very beginning. Was she like this when you first started? At what point did she change if she wasn’t always so demanding? What are your contributions to her new person? What impressions have you given her of yourself?

It is always easy to blame others for our own mistakes. In your bid to impress her, you may have inadvertently given her the impression that you have a deep and bottomless pocket. Like a young child whose parents are forever doing everything to please, she would always ask for more because you have never done or said anything to make her think you are incapable of meeting her every demand. Until you complain, she would never know her limits or your capability for that matter. You have to make her know she cannot always have everything she desires in life that she has to make the choice between what is important among her desires.

It is also in your interest you teach her what responsibility is all about. If you go out of your way to provide her with all she needs, don’t complain you can blame her for asking for me. It is the nature of man to ask for more and more.

Only very few people can apply the principle of constraint when it comes to going over board with liberties.

This doesn’t necessarily make them insensitive or of bad character but only reacting to man’s age long insatiable quest to acquire more than what is required to be happy.

In a way, you are to blame for her reactions as well as demands. You gave her everything she wanted in your bid to present yourself as the ideal man for her, one capable of taking care of all her needs. How was she supposed to know about your limitations and fears?

If you are really serious about marrying this girl and having a peaceful future with her, tell the truth concerning your financial status as well as the apprehension her ceaseless demand is generating inside of you. She has to be made aware by you that you are not looking for just a relationship with her but a relationship that would lead both of you to the altar, and that her behaviour and attitude is beginning to make you wonder at the wisdom of her choice. Tell her precisely what those fears are especially that of her suitability of being a good wife given her attitude towards money and material possessions.

It is pertinent she knows how her attitude is affecting you and causing you to do a rethink of your future together.

Giving her the benefit to think of the implications of her actions is to give you enough opportunity to watch her. If her interest in you is simply for the money she is getting from you, chances are she would begin to show resentment when you refuse to give in to her demands.

If she sulks sufficiently to change dramatically from the loving person she currently presents herself to be to one who has little regard for you, then you have every reason to worry about her suitability of being a good wife to you.

At this point, resist the urge to be sentimental or else you end up with a woman who may not support your early days of struggle or difficult storms when they appear, as they often do along life’s journey.

Furthermore, it would also give you opportunity to study her other qualities as a woman you can trust with your life and destiny. It is important if you two are contemplating marriage, you find the right rhythm in terms of fundamental qualities a man and woman need to have a good life together. Without either of you taking the time out to zero-in on those qualities, work on your deficiencies, find a point of acceptable equilibrium as well as the willingness to make things work, it might be difficult for the two of you to live together in peace and harmony.

From this early, you must teach her to apply the rule of being satisfied as well as moderation.

In addition, you must also find out how much respect you have for her and she has for you. When a relationship is going into marriage, it is important the couple understands all that is involved in making it work for them. You must look for traits in her character you may not be comfortable with after a while. For instance, be sensitive to her attitude now and after you must have discussed with her. Granted, relationship and marriage are products of sentiments, but the real challenge is knowing when to be factual and realistic in the choices we end up making. If you make the mistake of allowing yourself to ignore important flaws in her character, it won’t just be a case of her endless demands you would be worrying about but that of not having the right soul-mate.

This is why you should be very honest and opened about so many things happening in the relationship.

Good luck.