Must he jilt me over mum’s messy past?

Dear Agatha,

Thank you so much for the sacrifices made towards solving problem in relationship.

I am in my early 20s and completed my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) few months ago. I am into a relationship that has matured for marriage. Though we intended settling down, but on the course of our courtship I told my fiancé everything about my life. 

I told him that my siblings and I were born outside wedlock for different fathers. He was taken aback and confused. He told me to ask my mother who my father is and where he comes from. When I did, my mother told me that he lives in the north and married with children.

This is the bone of contention now in their family on the grounds that I will take after my mother. The fact that my elder sister is married appears not to mean anything to them. I am the second child. Agatha, does it mean I was wrong to have told him everything about me? Should I be held responsible for my mother’s choices? Is it right for me to be denied marriage to my ideal man because of these choices she made? What do I do about the whole thing?

Worried Girl.

Dear Worried Girl,

Give it up to God. You haven’t done anything wrong in telling him the truth because honesty remains the best policy, and such a priceless commodity. At any rate, he still would have found out one way or the other, nothing is hidden under the sun. By then, he would have accused you of deliberately withholding the information from him while deceiving him into marrying you.

Chances are that you might end up not enjoying the marriage, as he would always hold it as excuse to misbehave. At least if nothing else now, you have the freedom to make another choice, the chance to be happy with a man who would accept you for who you really are and not one who isn’t ready to look beyond the substance to the chemical composition of what they see.

His attitude towards the information you gave him concerning your mother shows that he doesn’t have the kind of trust for you and the fact that he doesn’t know you well enough to know what you are capable of doing and what you can’t do. Any relationship that lacks the basic trust as its energiser cannot run for long. He must have a certain amount of trust for you and you also in him to weather successfully the storms associated with relationships and marriage. Often that not, it is not enough to recite the “I love you” slogan alone. It takes more than that to get a relationship on the road successfully. Its foundation must be concretised with plenty of trust, belief in each other’s integrity, respect as well as appreciation of the other’s person’s history to fuel it to full activation. If he wants to settle down with you, he must learn to deal with your past. Your past makes you complete and part of the person he claims to be in love with. No matter how dirty this past could be; it is what has made you the unique person you are now. Besides that, you cannot be held accountable for your mother’s experiences or decisions. You had nothing with the choice of her as your mother. God did all that and to condemn you for your relationship to your mother is to query the decision of the Almighty. 

What should have been of concern to him be whether you are like your mother? Since knowing you, have you ever given him any reason to suspect you of any kind of moral duplicity? The kind that would make you break his heart along the line, make you wander from man to man?  These are questions you should ask him: If he is breaking up with you over your mother’s past lifestyle or because he finds in you some unquestionable traits. His answers would be if nothing helps you know areas of your own limitations as well. It could just be the reason for this relationship as not all relationships are meant to end in marriage. At every point in our lives, God always sends a helper to show us the right path to go. It is a matter of recognising the role everyone we meet along life’s journey has been assigned to play by our creator. 

What you did by telling him was to give him the choice to either stay or let you be. Don’t feel bad at all. The onus is on him to prove his love for you, to show you that he is more than matured enough to know that you and your mother aren’t the same. 

If he appreciates truth in life, he would come back. But if he leaves you, don’t worry because he is only making way for your right man, the one whose bone you are to come into your life. Just lean more on God to do His work in your life.

Good luck. 

I want him to join me abroad

Dear Agatha,

Many thanks for your infinite effort in solving problems that have restored many lost souls.

Please I really need your kind advice on a decision that I want to take in my love life. My friends are of the opinion that I would end up disappointed at the end of the day. 

I am so much in love with my boyfriend and willing to spend the rest of my life with him. He is 21years of age while I’m 23years old

We met in Anambra State but he had to leave for Lagos to learn a trade under someone. While we were together in Anambra, he was caring and loving but things changed when he left for Lagos. He didn’t even bother to call me when I was sick. 

In 2009, I was lucky to get to travel and get a job in the United Arab Emirate. Initially when I discussed the prospect of the job and my desire to relocate to that country with him, I got little or no encouragement from me. He dismissed me by asking me to look for something to do with my life. 

Unfortunately for him, his master sent him forth without settling him. I want to bring him to this country so that both of us could be able to start up a better life, which I have promised to him that I will do.

Please tell me if it is this is a wise decision. My friends are of the view that once he settles in, he would forget all about me and begin to date other women. I am totally worn out with confusion. Please help me.

Nekky.

Dear Nekky,

The operative word here is caution. At 21, he isn’t ready for what you have in mind. He still has to plan for his future, establish himself and gain confidence in his ability as a man before he can contemplate marriage. 

Besides, at 21, he hasn’t even started his hunting years as a man. Don’t attempt to cage him by offering him incentives aimed at trapping him into something he is not ready for as well as ill equipped to handle. The young butterfly will always fly, no matter how much you desire to cage it. He still has a lot of catching up to do before he even begins to talk about marriage. Besides, he is yet to gather the maturity to deal with dating a girl two years older than he is. He would always crave for someone younger because for now that is what would keep him excited.

What about his family members and friend? Even if he agrees, have you factored the interest of these groups of people into the whole thing? Be realistic, at 21, he doesn’t have the muscles as well as the total independence to ignore the interest of his family. It would take another decade before he has what it takes to push for marrying an older woman.

The truth is at his age, he cannot function in the role you desire to have him play in your life, which means you would get hurt invariably. If he were older and established, your age differences wouldn’t be a problem at all. But given the tenderness of his age, it might be a little bit difficult for him to manage. In the first instance, you would soon be ready for marriage as a woman. No matter how much you desire this man, a time would come with the pressures from family, friends and your biological clock would push you into considering other options. Furthermore, you would one day get tired of providing for him. As a woman, a time would come when you would begin to resent being the major provider in the home, when you would begin to envy having a man who too would be the one to provide for you as well as make you feel like the woman. 

If you are not careful, you would be the one who would get hurt at the end of the day. If you want to help him and has the ability to, you could because he is your friend and not because you want to use it as a bait to get him to spend the rest of your life with him. 

You could also consider sending some money to him to begin a business. Give him time to grow if you think you have the patience to wait for him to mature into you, but don’t make the mistake of pressurising him because not only does it present you as a desperate woman but also one who lacks the confidence to move on. 

If you are both destined to be together, God in His own way would work things out for you and not you fetching water into a basket. 

Let him be the one to want you and not you doing all the pursuing. He has to want something in you desperately for him to want to make that sort of sacrifice for you. This won’t come from the money or favour you are ready to invest in him but from a deep determination from his end that you are the right kind of woman for him. Therefore, give him the chance to see you as a woman and not a mother figure or his ATM machine. It is only by allowing him work for his money and survival while you give him all the moral support as a woman you can help transform him from a boy to a responsible man.

Good luck. 

My cousin needs help with her marriage

Dear Agatha,

 

About three years ago, I wrote to you concerning the affair my husband had with another woman, which resulted in the woman having a baby for him. You would recall I had wanted to abandon my marriage but thank God I wrote to you and took to your counsel. I went to the woman and took the baby off her like you advised.

Today, that child and I are inseparable. And my husband, like you predicted, changed overnight. Today, a lot of his friends and family members think I have used some charm on him to make him the almost perfect husband he is today. 

I want to thank you so very much for your selfless service to mankind. For helping me find peace in my marriage and life, God will never forget you. 

I also want to say that through your column as well as my experience, I have also become a sort of marriage counsellor to a lot of women and young girls in the church and in my environment. Thank you also for being my mentor.

Agatha, I would appreciate if you help me resolve this problem my cousin is having in her marriage. It is so complex I don’t know what to do or say.

I honestly would have preferred we discussed this one on one but since I live in Port Harcourt now, it isn’t possible.

My cousin who I am just a year older than got married to this man who is the son of a one-time minister. Everybody considered her lucky to have landed that sort of man because everyone thought at 33 she may not get a single man to marry. Little did she or anyone know he is a monster in human form.

Being very close to me, I noticed that she wasn’t her real self when they came back from their honeymoon. I noticed lines under her eyes, bruises and a very sad look on her face despite the wealth that surrounds her. A lot of people including her mother were taken in by her new cars, clothes and jewellery but being very close to her I knew something wasn’t right.

I tried to get her to talk but she kept telling me she was okay. I became really alarmed when she started losing weigh rapidly. Still she wouldn’t tell me anything. When I discussed my worries about her with my husband, he told me to stay off her marriage; that when she wanted my help, she would come of her own accord and that until she does, I should let her be. 

And when she did last week, it was to tell me a story I thought only existed in storybooks. 

The bruises I noticed on her arms, were a child’s play compared to what I saw on her thighs, stomach and her womanhood. She said anytime her husband desires intimacy with her, he first beats her black and blue, with her wrists cuffed to the bed. She said that wasn’t all; that he enjoys videoing all the gory scenes of him beating and sleeping with her which he plays back later to his friends who also come with similar videos of their wives. She said the other wives have learnt to tolerate the situation as a result of the huge money their husbands give them afterwards.

She said she decided to come to me because he tried to make her sleep with his best man while he watched and recorded the scene. If not for the evidences of the mark on her body, I would have called her a liar.

The funny thing about it is her inability to leave him and report to the law enforcement agencies. She said she cannot leave because he has threatened to kill her if she ever leaves him. She cited the example of the wife of one of them who tried spilling the beans dying under very suspicious circumstances. 

She said she needs help now because she is pregnant and would not want the child brought up to witness the shame of her marriage. I tried to make her go to the police but she refused and warned me never to repeat her story to anybody in the family. 

Some few hours after she called, I got a call from her husband who told me not to take whatever his wife told me serious; he actually gave the phone to my cousin who told me that everything she told me was a lie, figments of her imagination.

Agatha, I don’t know what to do especially as my husband has warned me not to get involved in anything concerning my cousin who at her age, he said is old enough to know what she wants from life. 

The issue is would I ever be able to live with myself if something terrible happens to her? I am seriously thinking of going to her parents to report the matter to them but I am afraid it might cause trouble for me between my cousin and I as well as with my husband who is very explicit that I don’t involve myself.

Worried Cousin.

Dear Worried Cousin, 

If your cousin at the centre of a turbulent storm said don’t come, I can cope, there is nothing you can do about it else you would be accused of meddling in another woman’s marriage.

Marriage is sacred like you have found out. It has no place for a third party. You could be accused of being jealous by her parents as well as a section of the family who see her marriage as beneficial to them. You could also be unwittingly putting your husband and children in danger if you involve yourself too much in this matter. 

Every couple has to navigate a path that is workable for them to survive. You found a way out of your own problems in your marriage that is why you are still there with your husband. Granted, you were advised on what to do but the ultimate choice rests with the person at the centre of it. If you had decided to ignore the advice and follow your own desires; there was nothing anybody could have done to make you change your mind or stop what you had in mind.

The same thing applies to your cousin. You have told her what to do, let her decide on what makes her happy.

You may find the story told you by your cousin offensive and unacceptable but as long as she isn’t tired of the situation in her home, you would be accused of interference in your cousin’s marriage. 

Like your husband rightly observed, at her age she isn’t exactly a spring chicken; she is more than old enough to know what she wants as well as the point she would get to and reject what she is going through in the hands of her man. The threat of death would not be enough by then to prevent her from going public with her story and getting the husband to beat a retreat. 

What you should do is simply to keep your line opened to her at all times. Always provide her with a listening ear whenever she needs it but stay away from her home and affairs to avoid complications in your home. You cannot love this woman more than she loves herself. Calling you to refute the story she told you about her husband is enough warning that when the chips are down you would be on your own. She has the potentials of denying you in the presence of everybody.

Her marriage is her story, life and history. You cannot co-author it for her. Give her the space to write her history the way she wants to. Her mother and siblings cannot be blind to the signs you see in her. And if they are pretending all is well with their daughter in her marriage, don’t involve yourself in it. 

All you can do is to pray for her safety and give her support to do what she wants to do when she is ready to do it.

Good luck.

My father disowns me over career, religion…

Dear Agatha,

I am 20 years old, an undergraduate who has been denied by his wealthy father over choice of career. My father can’t reconcile himself with my desire to become a successful musician or my course, Theatre Arts. He is also very angry with me over my decision to covert from Islam to Christianity too. 

The fact that I am the first child of the family makes his anger very intense. My problem started when my mother died. Had she been alive, I won’t be having this kind of intense disagreement with my father. She had always understood my passion and person. 

I actually became a Christian when my father took the decision to disown me. It was for me a kind of rebound since his attitude left me with no choice at all. 

When he found out I had gone to church on a Sunday, I thought he was out, the kinds of adjectives he used in qualifying me brought the anger in me to a boiling point. It got me beyond the point of no return. I was irritated immeasurably. He simply ordered me out of his house forcing me to squat with a friend in school who shares my passion for music and entertainment. 

Since leaving home, only my maternal uncle has been in touch with me. None of my father’s relatives have bothered to call my phone or even look for me. They are happy at what is happening to me because it would factor them into inheriting my father’s vast property. 

I laugh at them because despite what is happening between my father and I, I remain his heir. It isn’t as if I am after my father’s wealth in the first place. I want to make my own money. Before she died my mother always told me to believe in myself as well as follow my dream.

Right now I just want to talk to you as I battle to settle down with the choices I have made.

Abdulrahman.

Dear Abdulrahman, 

There is no victory in life without overcoming challenges. You just must find a way of staying focused if you intend to show your father that you know what you are doing and that being a musician or in the entertainment world doesn’t amount to failure in life.

That you can be as important a person, if not more than those in the profession he wants you to go into.

You won’t be the first to be rejected for following in your choice of career and religion. Ask those who are today household names in the entertainment industry, their experiences aren’t different from what you are going through now. 

Your father is reacting in this manner because he doesn’t understand the value of the entertainment industry to the society, and thinks like most people that only dropouts go into it. It now behooves you to change his mind by applying everything you have to your dreams. In his shoes too, you would do the same if not worse. 

Right in your hands, you carry the power to make or mar your dreams as well as helping to make your father more broadminded about most things in life.

To get it right, you must first let go of all those pent up anger against him. Don’t lose sight of the fact that not only have you told him that his religion, the one he has known all is life isn’t good enough for you but also taken on a career that he considers to be for children of the never to do well in the society. In more than one-way you have not only hurt him, but disappointed him too as well. 

Don’t also forget that you are his first child and son, his pride and hope for the future. Like every father, rich or poor, you are expected to carry on in the family tradition and in his case, continue with the empire he has built. From the day you were born, he has it all mapped out for you, hence the bitterness, sense of betrayal and frustration at your line of action.

If you understand where he is coming from, it would be very easy for you to appreciate him as well as forgive his conclusions as well as decisions concerning you. Even though it is not expedient for you to go to him now given the intensity of the disagreement, but learn to keep an absolute opened mind about him. Use his rejection as fuel for your ambition. Don’t ever give him the chance to say I told you so. If you fail, you would not only be giving him the chance to laugh at you but all those family members who out of greed and quest for relevance in his presence will laugh at you as incapable of being able to care for your heritage.

And if you really want to concentrate on your studies and interest, please forget what and who your father is. Ignore his wealth or those you think are angling for privileged share of it. It would certainly spell doom to your dreams of moving on in life if you allow the vanity of your father’s wealth or the bother of who gets what at the end of the day get at you.

As a Christian, you should place all your trust in the God you now serve as well give Him the absolute authority to direct your life the way He planned it long before you were conceived in your mother’s womb. If it is His wish, those things that belong to your father would come back to you and what more, you may not even need them by the time he wants you to come for them. God who has set an agenda for you would have blessed you beyond your imagination.

At 20, you still have a long way to go in life before you come fully into your dreams. What you should ensure is that this dream of yours isn’t a fleeting one, done on impulse but one you embarked on after a lot of thoughts and interest. God may have pulled you out of that house to enable you focus, to train you in the task of self-dependence and actualisation. Your father’s wealth may be for now a major hindrance to your dreams as well as the job God has in store for you.

The purest of gold emerges only after enduring the intensity of a very hot fire. To make it and stand out, you just must endure hardship to climb the ladder of success. Being a pacesetter to this new field in your family, rejection comes with the package. 

Being a newly converted Christian, you must learn from this early stage to depend absolutely on God’s directives alone. So forget who you have been to this point to what you will be from now on. God never begins something He wouldn’t finish and from my experiences in life, the best destinations in life have unwinding, thorn fields, frustrating, and painful sacrifices routes. You have to make very painful sacrifices, be patient and submissive to the God’s will to get it right. Most times, along this road, you will feel like turning back and giving it all up, but not ever, your joy is waiting patiently for you to come at the end of the grueling journey. If you read the story of Jesus Christ from birth to death and even to resurrection, you will have a clear idea of what you are expected to do at all times as a Christian.

This time is also meant for you to immerse yourself with the words of God and getting to know Him better. 

Make good use of every opportunity you have to come out best in your dreams as well as in your relationship with God. 

Your key is prayer. With prayers, open heart and faith, there are no mountains you cannot overcome no matter how difficult the beginning could be. At every point, you must also strive to forgive from the depth of your heart. God doesn’t bless those who habour any resentment or find it difficult to forgive. This you must hold dearly to, because He is a God who forgives us every second of the day. 

From time to time, send your father constructive text messages asking after his health and well-being. He may not reply, but keep it up to send the message of your love, respect and appreciation of who he is to you. It is important you do that because one of the most important laws of God says we should honour our parents so that our days on earth may be long. No matter how impossible one’s parents are; one must know that God didn’t make a mistake in making us pass through them, and not through others. 

Good luck. 

Lonely Heart 

Dear Agatha, 

Thanks a lot with the way you proffer solutions to our
various love needs. I am a graduate from one of the eastern
universities and also reside in the East, Anambra precisely. I’m 24 and still a virgin. I need a God-fearing girl for a healthy relationship.
Please really need your help. Interested ladies should get in touch with me through this phone no, 08181362200

Peter.