She plans to leave her man for me…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

Thank you for your selfless services to many people through your column.

I am involved with this lady I met online. At the beginning of our relationship, she was reluctant to visit me from her Ibadan base. Later I got to know the reason for her unwillingness. I discovered it has to do with the fact that she is sort of engaged to the father of her daughter. She got pregnant when she was in one 100level at the university.

When her family and that of the boy discovered her pregnancy, they met in a formal introduction of the two families.

She has since gone back to school as is certainly not waiting for her would be husband to secure a job so that they can formally tie the knot.

We became intimate when she finally agreed to visit me and have been in her follow up visits.

Without persuading her, she is insisting she is happier with me than the father of her child. She is of the opinion that she will achieve her dreams effortlessly with me than she would with the other man.

Despite pointing her at the odds against a relationship with me considering the bond of a child between her and the other man as well as marital commitment, she is adamant.

Each time I suggest we go our different ways; she reacts in a way that makes me very fearful. She completely goes limp on me.

According to her, she has tried to get me out of her mind but discovers it is very difficult, she simply cannot imagine a life without me. I do love her also despite everything.

What do you suggest I do? She has assured me of pulling away gradually from her boyfriend irrespective of the consequences for her actions on her daughter as well as those of her parents.

I keep insisting we go our separate ways but she is very stubborn about her decision not to leave me.

Please help me.

Concerned Man.



Dear Concerned Man,

You have made the mistake of getting involved with a woman who isn’t really free in the sense of it. Don’t complicate your life any further by giving in to her persuasive powers.

The facts are she is a mother and has a subsisting commitment to the father of the child.

Morally and spiritually, whatever she is having with you is not right. It wouldn’t have been wrong had she not agreed in principle in the presence of the two families to marry the man.

Until she takes the steps to terminate formally the agreement and recognition of the formal introductions of both families, that man remains her husband under the native laws and customs of her people. To date you is to court adultery.

Her feelings for you or that man doesn’t invalidate her official status hence the need for you to tread carefully with her if you don’t want the ominous clouds gathering to dispel on you. The contents of this cloud have the potentials of scorching you if not now but later when you least expect. How would you feel if the woman you have all your hopes on suddenly decides to betray you with another man the way this woman is with you? Happy or pained at the betrayal?

Life comes in familiar circles. The people may change but the patterns never do.

If she has any reason to change her mind, going out with you isn’t a solution. She must first terminate her relationship with the other man before contemplating anything new with another man. If she is sure of her feelings for you as well as the needed courage to advertise it, she should first go to her man and confess her change of mind to him. She does have the right to change her mind but what she doesn’t have the right to do is to attempt a shortcut to the issue. She has no right to use you to settle her differences with this man. She doesn’t need a reason to quit, she needs only a certainty to know that no matter how much she tries, the man is wrong for her. For now you are only a reason for her, not a conviction that her relationship with the other man lacks a viable future to peg.

Before going to bed with the other man and having a baby for him, didn’t she know he lacked what she wanted from life? Relationship isn’t only about the good times. It is also about the bad times. If she lacks the will and desire to make this one work, what assurances do you have she won’t also abandon you for a more exciting man?

Like I said, she has the right to quit her agreement with the father of her child but it mustn’t be because she has an alternative in you. She must take time off both of you to reflect on what she wants from life, determine why the other relationship isn’t going to work and what makes yours different.

Until she does an honest appraisal of her life vis-à-vis her involvement with the two of you, there is the danger of her becoming more confused with you as the years roll by. And you must be careful not to end up as a pawn in the hands of a determined woman looking for a reason to do something.

Based on her honesty and full knowledge of what she wants, future interactions with the father of her child would be less acrimonious. This is because that child would always need her father and for her to be a good mother, she has to present him with good reasons for quitting to make things cordial between them.

Therefore, as a mother, she must care about the consequences of her decision on her daughter and the family of the man. This is not like the regular relationship where future interactions can be avoided once the relationship is extinguished. The presence of a child between them means they have a permanent link till eternity. And if her reasons for quitting are simply because of the excitement of something new with you, chances of them coming back together is high especially if the man and the child get together to pressure her into it.

Besides, there is also the matter of pressures you would also face in your family. Would your family support the idea of you marrying a woman who has a child? Can you cope with the relationship that would continue to exist between this woman and the father of her child?

These are real issues you have to pay attention to. New challenges would confront your romance once it goes public. Your friends and family would not stop asking you what you see in a woman who has a child.

Do you have enough feelings, guts and faith in your relationship to overcome these pressures? Deep down do you love her and ready to marry her if another mistake of a pregnancy comes from your intimacy? Is she your dream woman?

Her feelings for you may be genuine, one of those out of the blue situations, which defy rationality. But if you haven’t considered all these the time is now before you find yourselves in a situation you would never be happy in.

And if you are really serious about quitting, her reactions won’t matter. Instead of dancing round the issue, in the interest of all concerned, both of you should face the issue with all the seriousness it deserves to avoid more regrets later in life.

Good luck.

Reading through your column in the ‘Daily Independent’ Newspapers, I must confess you are really doing a good job.

I am 30 years old and have been in a relationship with a lady, though two years younger for the past ten years, until late last year when she walked up to me to inform me of her love for another man.

I was devastated by her announcement because l loved her so deeply. Amid tears she told me her parents don’t approve of our marriage plans because we are from different parts of the country. She is from the South East while I am from the South West.



Right now, I have secured a good job and in a fresh relationship with a new lady. She stood by me during those bad moments. I am really trying to love her the way she deserves to be loved but each time my ex calls me, my heart beats. I am quite disturbed. Please advise me.

SL.



Dear SL,

Her voice still has the power to bring about this feeling in you because you haven’t been able to stop loving her. Ten years is like a lifetime. For these years, she was the most important woman in your life. She held your heart and life in her hands.

And if those ten years were spent investing on growing and patenting your relationship to suit your uniqueness as a couple, of becoming the most important persons in each other’s lives, of being best of friends, it would take a while for you to be able to get over the disappointment of her leaving you.

It would be most difficult for you in particular because you didn’t envisage losing her to another man or packing up the relationship. And coming without warning or internal problems between the two of you makes the suddenness of it all more than you can cope with now.

No matter how much you try, it would take time for you to completely rid your memory of thoughts of her. Don’t try to force it, allow it die prematurely.

It might even take a lifetime especially if your relationship was of the premium kind, the type that grows better with each passing day.

This thing is to appeal for support and understanding from your new woman; understanding not to be jealous of yesterday’s memories as well as support, to overcome to a reasonable extent, the intensity of your feelings for her.

You must also make the effort too not to get into the dangerous habit of comparing her person or character with your former girlfriend. Learn to love her for who she is; give her the time and opportunity to make you happy and to carve her own niche in your life. This is important if you hope to spend the rest of your life together.

For now until you are able to control your feelings for her, avoid taking her calls. But let her know why you won’t be doing so for a while. If she truly loves you and wants you to be happy, she would respect your decision to stay away from her for a while.

Good luck.

She left after 10-year dating but…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

Reading through your column in the ‘Daily Independent’ Newspapers, I must confess you are really doing a good job.

I am 30 years old and have been in a relationship with a lady, though two years younger for the past ten years, until late last year when she walked up to me to inform me of her love for another man.

I was devastated by her announcement because l loved her so deeply. Amid tears she told me her parents don’t approve of our marriage plans because we are from different parts of the country. She is from the South East while I am from the South West.

Right now, I have secured a good job and in a fresh relationship with a new lady. She stood by me during those bad moments. I am really trying to love her the way she deserves to be loved but each time my ex calls me, my heart beats. I am quite disturbed. Please advise me.

SL.



Dear SL,

Her voice still has the power to bring about this feeling in you because you haven’t been able to stop loving her. Ten years is like a lifetime. For these years, she was the most important woman in your life. She held your heart and life in her hands.

And if those ten years were spent investing on growing and patenting your relationship to suit your uniqueness as a couple, of becoming the most important persons in each other’s lives, of being best of friends, it would take a while for you to be able to get over the disappointment of her leaving you.

It would be most difficult for you in particular because you didn’t envisage losing her to another man or packing up the relationship. And coming without warning or internal problems between the two of you makes the suddenness of it all more than you can cope with now.

No matter how much you try, it would take time for you to completely rid your memory of thoughts of her. Don’t try to force it, allow it die prematurely.

It might even take a lifetime especially if your relationship was of the premium kind, the type that grows better with each passing day.

This thing is to appeal for support and understanding from your new woman; understanding not to be jealous of yesterday’s memories as well as support, to overcome to a reasonable extent, the intensity of your feelings for her.

You must also make the effort too not to get into the dangerous habit of comparing her person or character with your former girlfriend. Learn to love her for who she is; give her the time and opportunity to make you happy and to carve her own niche in your life. This is important if you hope to spend the rest of your life together.

For now until you are able to control your feelings for her, avoid taking her calls. But let her know why you won’t be doing so for a while. If she truly loves you and wants you to be happy, she would respect your decision to stay away from her for a while.

Good luck.