With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My boyfriend is married, I love him all the same, but he is hurting me by also dating other women.
What can I do?
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
Stop denying the man’s wife the right to enjoy her marriage and man. If you are getting hurt on account of his relationships with other women, how do you think the wife feels by your own association with him? How do you think she feels when she wants her man, he isn’t there for her because he is with you? If you are feeling this bad as a girlfriend how would you feel if you were his wife, kill the women who are denying her of her rights as a wife and mother?
Do you realise that you are not only denying her time with her husband but also the resources he would have spent on the family as well? Can you fathom the kind of needless sacrifices that woman is making to make up for the time and money he uses to maintain you?
Have you ever sat down to wonder at the injury, pains, and aches you are causing this woman? In her shoes, how would you feel, pray for the woman who is making her work extra hard to maintain her home?
Now that you know what it feels to be betrayed by someone you are in love with, allow this man be. Sometimes, God allows things to happen to point us at the right things to do.
There is no way a man who is unfaithful to his wife will ever be faithful to a girlfriend. Whatever made him to go outside his marriage for fun are the same reasons he will continue to leave everywoman he has an affair with until he makes up his mind to be faithful to his vows.
This man isn’t in love with you that is why despite his many relationships he still goes back to the woman he is married to. He isn’t the one that is hurting you rather you are the one who has exposed yourself to being hurt by him. The fact that he is married, unavailable to you means you don’t have a joint future, should have cautioned you against taking whatever promises he is making to you serious.
Had he been single, your hurt would have been understandable, but he isn’t. So why waste time in a relationship that won’t add value to your life in the long run?
Before you get more hurt than you already are, take a walk away from it all. It would afford you the opportunity of meeting the real man for you. The more you hold on to him, the less your chances of becoming happy later in future and by the time you are ready to marry, the man you would have married would have become another woman’s husband.
This man has nothing to lose; rather you are the one who has more to lose if you continue with him. Men are hunters by nature and would always be excited by the sights of an available woman but it is the job of the woman to gate-keep her treasure to avoid disappointments, regrets and pains.
If you are unwilling to do it for yourself, do it for the sake of this woman whose marriage is at stake.
Good luck.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Hard to choose among three men seeking to marry me
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thanks a lot for the right advice you give to people. You are a lifesaver and I pray God will continue to bless you.
Please I need your advice concerning my relationship. I am young lady of 25 years of age. My major concern is how to know who would make the best husband among the three men asking for my hand in marriage? The second challenge is how to recognise true love as well as the qualities most important to look out for in a man.
Furthermore, is it appropriate for a lady to be the one visiting the guy without the guy reciprocating the visit on account of certain excuses?
Grace.
Dear Grace,
The realisation of who would make a good partner begins with your own discovery. Without this, it becomes almost impossible to recognise that extra-special thing in anyone coming for your hand in marriage or able to evaluate it in terms of long-term happiness. This is because what you don’t have, you cannot give.
If you don’t have a dream, an idea of the real substance that would give you the kind of strength to generate the right amount of determination, it goes without saying your search would be limited to those perishable qualities.
Before you can determine who is good for you, answer this question: how good are you to yourself? Have you been able to establish that important thing about yourself that would always give you happiness? Something any man coming into your life must help you hold on to if he desires the best of you?
At times, love isn’t all that matters when deciding on whom to spend the rest of one’s life with, other considerations go into it. A man may really be in love with his woman but lacks the right temperament to lead a home. Without the right kind of temperament, no matter how well a woman tries to deal with issues in her marriage, it soon becomes a struggle to stay with that kind of man.
A man’s temperament envelops the kind of patience, support, respect, understanding, and friendship he is willing to invest into making the marriage work. It also colours the way he would treat his wife both in private and public. A man that cannot handle his temperament is likely to act before he thinks, including beating the woman.
Jealousy is one of the products of love. Can you withstand a man who loves you but lacks the power of self-control? Can you stand the embarrassment of being questioned, suspected for doing nothing? Can you live with the fear of not knowing what to expect from your spouse if you have to work into the late hours? How long can you endure the insecurity of a jealous man? Can you stand a man who runs the home like a boss instead of a leader?
Here it isn’t love that is the issue but being able to manage all the emotions love incites in a man. The secret strength of every relationship is the ability of the man to manage all the emotions that make love wholesome.
Temperament is that inner quality that keeps giving marriage the precise radiance to stay fresh forever. Seasons come and go, but that which cannot be affected by the devastation of time is who we really are inside of us, the real person and not the colour we are or what we are. It is this quality that makes one person gloss over the failure or inability of others with sympathy and understanding while another person would choose to mock, insult or dehumanise that same person for the same slip.
This is that something extra-special you should look at in the men that are coming for your hand in marriage. By knowing what your limitations are as a person, it would be easy if you are truthful to yourself to come to an honest conclusion on which of these men can best manage that aspect of you successfully.
Often time, young girls make the mistake of limiting their search lights in their quests for husband to the frivolities: such things as the man’s appearance, his social status, financial standing or connections are not the things that count at the end of the day.
Out of all these men, whom can you count on the most, the one that is likely to make the important sacrifices for you? Who among them has the stamina to deal with that side of you that others cannot cope with? There is a side to every one of us even our parents find difficult to cope with.
And of the three, who knows the face behind the mask of make-ups, can look at the real you and not flinch? Can manufacture a joke or make you laugh when what all you feel is like bringing down the entire world?
Your answer is right before you as long as you are honest with yourself.
True love is selfless-living in the body of the other person. True love puts the interest of the other person first, considers how an action would affect the other person first before doing it is always willing to forgive and forget.
A man, who manufactures excuses not to reciprocate his girlfriend’s frequent visits to his home, is communicating his true feelings to the girl. Such a man prefers to allow his actions tell the story he is unwilling to say to the woman.
No matter how busy a man is, if interested in a woman, he will make time out of no time to visit her. The excuse of not having time is given by both men and women to discourage an unwanted interest in the opposite sex. It is the nature of men to devote time to a woman they want desperately in their lives.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thanks a lot for the right advice you give to people. You are a lifesaver and I pray God will continue to bless you.
Please I need your advice concerning my relationship. I am young lady of 25 years of age. My major concern is how to know who would make the best husband among the three men asking for my hand in marriage? The second challenge is how to recognise true love as well as the qualities most important to look out for in a man.
Furthermore, is it appropriate for a lady to be the one visiting the guy without the guy reciprocating the visit on account of certain excuses?
Grace.
Dear Grace,
The realisation of who would make a good partner begins with your own discovery. Without this, it becomes almost impossible to recognise that extra-special thing in anyone coming for your hand in marriage or able to evaluate it in terms of long-term happiness. This is because what you don’t have, you cannot give.
If you don’t have a dream, an idea of the real substance that would give you the kind of strength to generate the right amount of determination, it goes without saying your search would be limited to those perishable qualities.
Before you can determine who is good for you, answer this question: how good are you to yourself? Have you been able to establish that important thing about yourself that would always give you happiness? Something any man coming into your life must help you hold on to if he desires the best of you?
At times, love isn’t all that matters when deciding on whom to spend the rest of one’s life with, other considerations go into it. A man may really be in love with his woman but lacks the right temperament to lead a home. Without the right kind of temperament, no matter how well a woman tries to deal with issues in her marriage, it soon becomes a struggle to stay with that kind of man.
A man’s temperament envelops the kind of patience, support, respect, understanding, and friendship he is willing to invest into making the marriage work. It also colours the way he would treat his wife both in private and public. A man that cannot handle his temperament is likely to act before he thinks, including beating the woman.
Jealousy is one of the products of love. Can you withstand a man who loves you but lacks the power of self-control? Can you stand the embarrassment of being questioned, suspected for doing nothing? Can you live with the fear of not knowing what to expect from your spouse if you have to work into the late hours? How long can you endure the insecurity of a jealous man? Can you stand a man who runs the home like a boss instead of a leader?
Here it isn’t love that is the issue but being able to manage all the emotions love incites in a man. The secret strength of every relationship is the ability of the man to manage all the emotions that make love wholesome.
Temperament is that inner quality that keeps giving marriage the precise radiance to stay fresh forever. Seasons come and go, but that which cannot be affected by the devastation of time is who we really are inside of us, the real person and not the colour we are or what we are. It is this quality that makes one person gloss over the failure or inability of others with sympathy and understanding while another person would choose to mock, insult or dehumanise that same person for the same slip.
This is that something extra-special you should look at in the men that are coming for your hand in marriage. By knowing what your limitations are as a person, it would be easy if you are truthful to yourself to come to an honest conclusion on which of these men can best manage that aspect of you successfully.
Often time, young girls make the mistake of limiting their search lights in their quests for husband to the frivolities: such things as the man’s appearance, his social status, financial standing or connections are not the things that count at the end of the day.
Out of all these men, whom can you count on the most, the one that is likely to make the important sacrifices for you? Who among them has the stamina to deal with that side of you that others cannot cope with? There is a side to every one of us even our parents find difficult to cope with.
And of the three, who knows the face behind the mask of make-ups, can look at the real you and not flinch? Can manufacture a joke or make you laugh when what all you feel is like bringing down the entire world?
Your answer is right before you as long as you are honest with yourself.
True love is selfless-living in the body of the other person. True love puts the interest of the other person first, considers how an action would affect the other person first before doing it is always willing to forgive and forget.
A man, who manufactures excuses not to reciprocate his girlfriend’s frequent visits to his home, is communicating his true feelings to the girl. Such a man prefers to allow his actions tell the story he is unwilling to say to the woman.
No matter how busy a man is, if interested in a woman, he will make time out of no time to visit her. The excuse of not having time is given by both men and women to discourage an unwanted interest in the opposite sex. It is the nature of men to devote time to a woman they want desperately in their lives.
Good luck.
If he hears my stepdaughter is pregnant!
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
This is a very delicate issue for me to handle on my own because of its future implication. My step -daughter and I are very close. I married her father about seven years ago. Her mother died three years earlier.
Right from the first day I met her, we have been close. A lot of people think I am her mother and she actually addresses me as such. Through me, she has a brother and sister.
She very much plays the big sister role when she comes back on holiday and is forever on the phone discussing with them like her mates. I love her as my own.
There is nothing I don’t know about her. She tells me everything about her life. She isn’t as close to the father as she is to me because he is this strict kind. Even though she is in her 400-level in the university, he still treats her like a child. She also happens to be one of the most disciplined young ladies I know.
Recently, she came home to confide in me about her pregnancy. Her boyfriend, who graduated three years before her is employed. He was lucky to have been retained by the engineering company he served. His is a young man I happen to know very well because on the occasions when my husband is out of town, I always allow him to come and visit my daughter at home.
My husband is one of the most difficult men I have known. Once or twice, he has accused me of deliberately over indulging my stepdaughter so as to make her life worthless. He would end it by saying if she were my real daughter I wouldn’t be so encouraging of her ways.
This is the root of my problem. I love and respect my husband too much to be affected by what he says. When he is angry, he is capable of saying anything but once the storm is over, he is one of the most loving husbands I know. But, how do I tell him about her pregnancy without him throwing both of us out of the house?
There is no way I would ever support a child of mine to go through an abortion but I am fearful of what would become of me and her if the father ever finds out that she is pregnant and that I am in the know of who is responsible.
Three days ago, I tried to sound him about by asking him what he would do if his daughter comes home pregnant. Without waiting for me to finish asking him the question, he declared that he would not only ensure she removes the pregnancy but throw both of us out of his house.
How do I handle this? The poor girl, who is preparing for her final examinations, is fearful of the reaction of her father. I don’t want her to fail her examinations on account of the stubborn attitude of her father.
How do I handle this situation? This is the time I wish I were her real mother because nobody would accuse me of supporting her to destroy her life. It is unfortunate she got pregnant but I know it deep inside of me that she will be happy with her man.
Already the young man and his family have indicated interest in coming to discuss marriage with us. I have pleaded for time, about a month to enable me sort things out with the father.
Please help me make the right decision concerning this issue urgently.
Celine.
Dear Celine,
She has already placed you in the position of her mother, hence her confidence to come to you with the stories of everything happening in her life. You may not be her biological mother, but in the heart of this young woman, you are her mother.
As long as you know you are acting in the best interest of this young lady, refuse to be discouraged by the remarks or attitude of your husband who in this matter is entitled to his opinion.
The best way to get out of this is for you to stand your grounds by reminding him that as long as you are his wife, you are the mother of his daughter and that if he continues to ignore your role in the young lady’s life, he should not blame you if anything goes wrong.
The fact that you have refused to react to his comments concerning and questioning your role in this young girl’s life is the reason you are at this crossroad. He has to know that she has turned out to be a young responsible woman because you also took her as your daughter.
Honestly, the issue here isn’t so much of the pregnancy of the young lady, but that of you and your husband finding your equilibrium in your relationship. The absence of trust in your lives is what is on the top table and not the girl who is about to leave your nest to begin a life of her own.
It is either your husband learns to trust your judgement concerning his daughter or you act as the true mother the girl has positioned you to be. There are no two ways about it. If she were your biological child, what would you do? Would you just watch her struggle with a situation most girls her age would have long found a solution to?
Would you encourage her to abort the child to please the father or give her all the support she needs to write her final examination in peace while she plans for her wedding? This is the time she needs you the most, for you to play your role as only a true mother does.
The man in question is your husband. Don’t be afraid to approach him. Even if he threatens to throw you out, ask him what is most important to him, his daughter or his principle? You are a woman, his wife for that matter. You must know the key to making him submit to your wishes. Every woman who knows her onion has the master key to her husband’s heart; it is a matter of good timing as well as going the extra mile to make him understand the issues you want him to consider.
To help your daughter, it is important you find out why your husband is so difficult when it comes to issues affecting her. If you have never bothered to find out, this is the time to ask questions. No matter what his reasons are, let him understand that she is no longer a child. At 23, she has gone past the age of consent; more so, she is in her final year, and about to finish her university education, so what is the real issue? If she has avoided getting pregnant until now, there must be a reason, which is the angle you should push in your discussion with him.
Let him understand that apart from the child being his first grandchild, the young lady risks losing her life in the process as well. The thought of him losing her may make him change his mind.
What more, the man responsible for the pregnancy is determined to marry her, so what is the problem? It would have been a different thing and understandable of your fears if the man is denying paternity of the child or she is unable to point at any particular man.
It is also important he hears it from you before he notices the condition of his daughter or someone else points him at her condition. Encourage her to stay back in school until the issue is resolved by you. It would be so sad if you disappoint her by your fear of your husband.
If at the end of the day, if he insists, report him to his family members or a very close friend of his. Do anything to make him help his daughter achieve happiness in life.
Whatever happens, stand by your daughter. There is no way your husband would drive both of you away from his home. Besides, there is no sacrifice too much for a mother to make for her mother.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
This is a very delicate issue for me to handle on my own because of its future implication. My step -daughter and I are very close. I married her father about seven years ago. Her mother died three years earlier.
Right from the first day I met her, we have been close. A lot of people think I am her mother and she actually addresses me as such. Through me, she has a brother and sister.
She very much plays the big sister role when she comes back on holiday and is forever on the phone discussing with them like her mates. I love her as my own.
There is nothing I don’t know about her. She tells me everything about her life. She isn’t as close to the father as she is to me because he is this strict kind. Even though she is in her 400-level in the university, he still treats her like a child. She also happens to be one of the most disciplined young ladies I know.
Recently, she came home to confide in me about her pregnancy. Her boyfriend, who graduated three years before her is employed. He was lucky to have been retained by the engineering company he served. His is a young man I happen to know very well because on the occasions when my husband is out of town, I always allow him to come and visit my daughter at home.
My husband is one of the most difficult men I have known. Once or twice, he has accused me of deliberately over indulging my stepdaughter so as to make her life worthless. He would end it by saying if she were my real daughter I wouldn’t be so encouraging of her ways.
This is the root of my problem. I love and respect my husband too much to be affected by what he says. When he is angry, he is capable of saying anything but once the storm is over, he is one of the most loving husbands I know. But, how do I tell him about her pregnancy without him throwing both of us out of the house?
There is no way I would ever support a child of mine to go through an abortion but I am fearful of what would become of me and her if the father ever finds out that she is pregnant and that I am in the know of who is responsible.
Three days ago, I tried to sound him about by asking him what he would do if his daughter comes home pregnant. Without waiting for me to finish asking him the question, he declared that he would not only ensure she removes the pregnancy but throw both of us out of his house.
How do I handle this? The poor girl, who is preparing for her final examinations, is fearful of the reaction of her father. I don’t want her to fail her examinations on account of the stubborn attitude of her father.
How do I handle this situation? This is the time I wish I were her real mother because nobody would accuse me of supporting her to destroy her life. It is unfortunate she got pregnant but I know it deep inside of me that she will be happy with her man.
Already the young man and his family have indicated interest in coming to discuss marriage with us. I have pleaded for time, about a month to enable me sort things out with the father.
Please help me make the right decision concerning this issue urgently.
Celine.
Dear Celine,
She has already placed you in the position of her mother, hence her confidence to come to you with the stories of everything happening in her life. You may not be her biological mother, but in the heart of this young woman, you are her mother.
As long as you know you are acting in the best interest of this young lady, refuse to be discouraged by the remarks or attitude of your husband who in this matter is entitled to his opinion.
The best way to get out of this is for you to stand your grounds by reminding him that as long as you are his wife, you are the mother of his daughter and that if he continues to ignore your role in the young lady’s life, he should not blame you if anything goes wrong.
The fact that you have refused to react to his comments concerning and questioning your role in this young girl’s life is the reason you are at this crossroad. He has to know that she has turned out to be a young responsible woman because you also took her as your daughter.
Honestly, the issue here isn’t so much of the pregnancy of the young lady, but that of you and your husband finding your equilibrium in your relationship. The absence of trust in your lives is what is on the top table and not the girl who is about to leave your nest to begin a life of her own.
It is either your husband learns to trust your judgement concerning his daughter or you act as the true mother the girl has positioned you to be. There are no two ways about it. If she were your biological child, what would you do? Would you just watch her struggle with a situation most girls her age would have long found a solution to?
Would you encourage her to abort the child to please the father or give her all the support she needs to write her final examination in peace while she plans for her wedding? This is the time she needs you the most, for you to play your role as only a true mother does.
The man in question is your husband. Don’t be afraid to approach him. Even if he threatens to throw you out, ask him what is most important to him, his daughter or his principle? You are a woman, his wife for that matter. You must know the key to making him submit to your wishes. Every woman who knows her onion has the master key to her husband’s heart; it is a matter of good timing as well as going the extra mile to make him understand the issues you want him to consider.
To help your daughter, it is important you find out why your husband is so difficult when it comes to issues affecting her. If you have never bothered to find out, this is the time to ask questions. No matter what his reasons are, let him understand that she is no longer a child. At 23, she has gone past the age of consent; more so, she is in her final year, and about to finish her university education, so what is the real issue? If she has avoided getting pregnant until now, there must be a reason, which is the angle you should push in your discussion with him.
Let him understand that apart from the child being his first grandchild, the young lady risks losing her life in the process as well. The thought of him losing her may make him change his mind.
What more, the man responsible for the pregnancy is determined to marry her, so what is the problem? It would have been a different thing and understandable of your fears if the man is denying paternity of the child or she is unable to point at any particular man.
It is also important he hears it from you before he notices the condition of his daughter or someone else points him at her condition. Encourage her to stay back in school until the issue is resolved by you. It would be so sad if you disappoint her by your fear of your husband.
If at the end of the day, if he insists, report him to his family members or a very close friend of his. Do anything to make him help his daughter achieve happiness in life.
Whatever happens, stand by your daughter. There is no way your husband would drive both of you away from his home. Besides, there is no sacrifice too much for a mother to make for her mother.
Good luck.
My daughter’s best friend is my husband’s child
With Agatha Edo , gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please, don’t tell me to recognise or accept these children. Sometimes, I wonder if you live in the real world; if you have been hurt and betrayed by a man before. It’s amazing how you seem to have the right answers for every problem. If you have ever been hurt, you will know how it feels to be betrayed by the man you love.
I even don’t know why I am bothering myself writing to you in the first place because it is those things I don’t want to hear that you will say to me on this issue that is causing so much pain and anguish in my marriage.
Last week was my birthday and my last child came back from school to celebrate with me. She is in her second year in senior secondary school. She came with her best friend. I have met severally with her on account of her friendship with my daughter.
While in my house, she got an emergency call from home that her mother needed to see her. I was naturally worried about the nature of the call so I offered to drive her home. My husband came in just as we were driving out. I had to explain to him what happened.
He persuaded me against going with the young girl arguing that since it was my birthday, it would not be polite for me to leave home since I was expecting guests. I had no choice but to allow him take the little girl home.
Since I was monitoring the events on the phone, I knew her mother had died so I wasn’t really expecting my husband home early. From my daughter, I knew the young girl was the first of her mother and has a younger brother who is in his second year in junior secondary school.
Being a mother, I felt for them. I tried calling my husband to bring the children home if there was no one to care for them at home but his number wasn’t going through.
It was not until around 11p.m. that he came back home with the young girl and her brother. My husband and I have been married for close to 23 years, so I can tell when he is very bothered.
Initially I attributed his mood to his concern for the children but something kept telling me it was more than that when he became too involved in the burial arrangement of the children’s mother.
At the time, I didn’t bother or notice the ease in which the children addressed him as father. When I tried to question him about his level of involvement with the woman’s burial arrangement, he brushed me aside, saying he was doing it for the children who have nobody in the world to help them.
What would have been a major disagreement between us, I tried to ignore but didn’t go down well when he announced his decision to adopt those children as his own.
Knowing my husband as much as I do, that statement triggered an alarm bell deep inside me. There and then I decided that I would attend the burial rites of the girl’s mother against the wish of my husband who said it wasn’t necessary for me to be there.
Needless to say, my husband was the chief mourner; the widower of the late woman. It was at the burial the puzzle about the similarity between my last child and the children clicked. They all got their looks from my mother-in-law.
My husband’s younger brother and sisters all came for the funeral. I felt betrayed by all of them because I thought we had gotten over our differences. When they all saw me, they looked away and pretended that I wasn’t even there.
I don’t know what came over me when the children ran to me on sighting me. I remember pushing them away and warning them never to come near me again.
I came back home to meet his mother and other members of the family at first pleading with me to accept the children and now making a demand of it.
My husband’s reason for taking a second wife and ensuring she and my daughter were friends has to do with our stormy early years.
I know we went through hellish times back then but is that enough reason for him to betray me this way? What about the attitude of his mother and family? My best friend says I should not accept the children and to pack away from my home because she thinks my husband, from what has happened, is capable of harming me. I really agree with her. I am already making plans to leave him and his children.
I am really hurting.
Franca.
Dear Franca,
Contrary to what you think, I have been through hellish days too and know the kind of pains you are feeling. Only the dead don’t have challenges or issues to deal with anymore. As long as we have life in us, we would always have problems to contend with. I am who I am because I have a God that has never failed me or left me on my own to carry my load.
When an issue like yours comes up in a marriage, it helps to pray. Prayer is important to prevent you from making a mistake you will forever regret. Even if you decide to leave him, would it change the fact that he is your children’s father or erase the truth about the paternity of those children as well as their relationship to your children?
After 23 years of marriage, it is too late in the day to have regrets that would take you out of a place that has been your home all these years. If any of your older children brings this kind of problem to you, will you tell them to pack out of their homes? Will you encourage them not to accept those children who after all are innocent in this adult game? Should your son treat another woman this way, how would you feel if the woman abandons your son?
By now, you more than anyone should know that it takes the grace of God to make living with another person work. No matter how well you think you know someone; there will always be some areas, you will never fully understand about the person. This is one of those unknown zones your information and personal data of him cannot recognise.
He has committed the offence. There is no way he can undo this. The question now is, can you ever find it in your heart to forgive him, see those children who by fate are very close to your own child as part of you?
Don’t forget that they are already part of the family by virtue of involvement and support of your in-laws. If you fail to recognise them, it won’t change a thing but your refusal would have far reaching implications for your children in future. It is that future I want you to be mindful of.
No matter how much you feel like skinning your husband alive now, try as much as possible to factor in the dreams and feelings of these children now and later.
If it would be of help, you don’t have the patent for marital pains, betrayals and disappointment. Many women have worse tales to tell. After living with a man for 23 years, you should have learnt not to be surprised by anything he does. It is one of the ways a woman can survive a marriage. Whether you like it or not, the society has made it their world. Had the shoes been reversed, you will be facing mass condemnation now.
What you should do is to take stock of the past. I am sure a lesson has been learnt by you from all these. And the best way to avoid making them all over again, is to accept those children as your own. I have this feeling that it would erase whatever it is that happened in the past.
We are all students of the school of life. It couldn’t have been by accident that everybody in his family is in support of the other woman. If you are honest, your conduct in the past has to do with this situation.
Ignore your friend. She doesn’t mean well.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please, don’t tell me to recognise or accept these children. Sometimes, I wonder if you live in the real world; if you have been hurt and betrayed by a man before. It’s amazing how you seem to have the right answers for every problem. If you have ever been hurt, you will know how it feels to be betrayed by the man you love.
I even don’t know why I am bothering myself writing to you in the first place because it is those things I don’t want to hear that you will say to me on this issue that is causing so much pain and anguish in my marriage.
Last week was my birthday and my last child came back from school to celebrate with me. She is in her second year in senior secondary school. She came with her best friend. I have met severally with her on account of her friendship with my daughter.
While in my house, she got an emergency call from home that her mother needed to see her. I was naturally worried about the nature of the call so I offered to drive her home. My husband came in just as we were driving out. I had to explain to him what happened.
He persuaded me against going with the young girl arguing that since it was my birthday, it would not be polite for me to leave home since I was expecting guests. I had no choice but to allow him take the little girl home.
Since I was monitoring the events on the phone, I knew her mother had died so I wasn’t really expecting my husband home early. From my daughter, I knew the young girl was the first of her mother and has a younger brother who is in his second year in junior secondary school.
Being a mother, I felt for them. I tried calling my husband to bring the children home if there was no one to care for them at home but his number wasn’t going through.
It was not until around 11p.m. that he came back home with the young girl and her brother. My husband and I have been married for close to 23 years, so I can tell when he is very bothered.
Initially I attributed his mood to his concern for the children but something kept telling me it was more than that when he became too involved in the burial arrangement of the children’s mother.
At the time, I didn’t bother or notice the ease in which the children addressed him as father. When I tried to question him about his level of involvement with the woman’s burial arrangement, he brushed me aside, saying he was doing it for the children who have nobody in the world to help them.
What would have been a major disagreement between us, I tried to ignore but didn’t go down well when he announced his decision to adopt those children as his own.
Knowing my husband as much as I do, that statement triggered an alarm bell deep inside me. There and then I decided that I would attend the burial rites of the girl’s mother against the wish of my husband who said it wasn’t necessary for me to be there.
Needless to say, my husband was the chief mourner; the widower of the late woman. It was at the burial the puzzle about the similarity between my last child and the children clicked. They all got their looks from my mother-in-law.
My husband’s younger brother and sisters all came for the funeral. I felt betrayed by all of them because I thought we had gotten over our differences. When they all saw me, they looked away and pretended that I wasn’t even there.
I don’t know what came over me when the children ran to me on sighting me. I remember pushing them away and warning them never to come near me again.
I came back home to meet his mother and other members of the family at first pleading with me to accept the children and now making a demand of it.
My husband’s reason for taking a second wife and ensuring she and my daughter were friends has to do with our stormy early years.
I know we went through hellish times back then but is that enough reason for him to betray me this way? What about the attitude of his mother and family? My best friend says I should not accept the children and to pack away from my home because she thinks my husband, from what has happened, is capable of harming me. I really agree with her. I am already making plans to leave him and his children.
I am really hurting.
Franca.
Dear Franca,
Contrary to what you think, I have been through hellish days too and know the kind of pains you are feeling. Only the dead don’t have challenges or issues to deal with anymore. As long as we have life in us, we would always have problems to contend with. I am who I am because I have a God that has never failed me or left me on my own to carry my load.
When an issue like yours comes up in a marriage, it helps to pray. Prayer is important to prevent you from making a mistake you will forever regret. Even if you decide to leave him, would it change the fact that he is your children’s father or erase the truth about the paternity of those children as well as their relationship to your children?
After 23 years of marriage, it is too late in the day to have regrets that would take you out of a place that has been your home all these years. If any of your older children brings this kind of problem to you, will you tell them to pack out of their homes? Will you encourage them not to accept those children who after all are innocent in this adult game? Should your son treat another woman this way, how would you feel if the woman abandons your son?
By now, you more than anyone should know that it takes the grace of God to make living with another person work. No matter how well you think you know someone; there will always be some areas, you will never fully understand about the person. This is one of those unknown zones your information and personal data of him cannot recognise.
He has committed the offence. There is no way he can undo this. The question now is, can you ever find it in your heart to forgive him, see those children who by fate are very close to your own child as part of you?
Don’t forget that they are already part of the family by virtue of involvement and support of your in-laws. If you fail to recognise them, it won’t change a thing but your refusal would have far reaching implications for your children in future. It is that future I want you to be mindful of.
No matter how much you feel like skinning your husband alive now, try as much as possible to factor in the dreams and feelings of these children now and later.
If it would be of help, you don’t have the patent for marital pains, betrayals and disappointment. Many women have worse tales to tell. After living with a man for 23 years, you should have learnt not to be surprised by anything he does. It is one of the ways a woman can survive a marriage. Whether you like it or not, the society has made it their world. Had the shoes been reversed, you will be facing mass condemnation now.
What you should do is to take stock of the past. I am sure a lesson has been learnt by you from all these. And the best way to avoid making them all over again, is to accept those children as your own. I have this feeling that it would erase whatever it is that happened in the past.
We are all students of the school of life. It couldn’t have been by accident that everybody in his family is in support of the other woman. If you are honest, your conduct in the past has to do with this situation.
Ignore your friend. She doesn’t mean well.
Good luck.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Marriage: A school where no man graduates
Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626
Dear Readers,
Thanks for all your good wishes for me as I add another year today. I really appreciate every one of you. May God bless and keep you all for your kind and warm wishes for me. As usual on my birthdays, we are going into discussion on a topic that stood out through the year. We would be discussing marriage because it continues to be an issue from generation to generation.
Agatha.
The marriage institution remains the only one mankind would never be tired of. Unlike other institutions, no one is expected to graduate from it. From the very moment a child is born, he or she is expected to go into it one day and prayers at most christening ceremonies underscore this thinking and expectation.
Ironically, despite all these expectations, it is the one institution we are least prepared for. This is why it appears to be having problems, why marriages seem not to be working along the line God designed it. Many a time an exaggerated impression is presented about the institution that is far from reality. Apart from the references we make to it, there is very little attempt by the society to give proper tutorials to youths going into this all important institution. There seems to be a conspiracy of silence by everybody to conceal from the youths the real challenges inherent in the institution.
The consequence is akin to writing an examination without studying or preparing for it. Little wonder the first thing many newly-weds think of when reality dawns, is to end the whole thing. The ignorance and false impression with which many youths are today going into marriages is responsible for the high statistics of divorces the society is experiencing today.
Recently too, wrong ideas and values coupled with the refusal of the society to talk more freely about our collective mistakes in our various marriages, the difficulties we as parents are having managing those mistakes, our regrets and lessons from our experiences are also contributing to the quality of marriages the society is producing.
Bothered by what has now appeared to be the trend in both young and old marriages, I have decided to write on this topic with emphasis on the preparatory stage leading to marriage.
Every successful relationship cum marriage must begin with a vision. Though cosmopolitan in its nature, for it to work, a couple must learn to personalise it. Every man or woman thinking of marriage must first have a personal idea of what he or she hopes to achieve in life. If we all dream of what we want to become in future, shouldn’t we think of the vehicle that would help us sustain the dream of who we want to be? This is the basis. Without this basic vision, it becomes almost impossible for any man or woman to have an idea of who would fit perfectly into one’s life plan. The consequence of not knowing what one wants leads to the mistake of settling for the first person that comes not minding if there is an agreement of the mind, soul, and spirit.
A bad marriage can capsize the most promising of dreams. A man or woman could be blessed with the most superior intellect, but if unfortunate to have a bad spouse such intelligence could pass for foolishness and go unnoticed. Without appearing to castigate any gender, men are the worst victims of bad marriages given their God ordained role as head of the family. While a woman can endure, find ways of making herself happy by devoting all her time, love and attention to her children, a role women are playing very well, the man ends up a drunk, an adulterer or a complete failure in life. Unfortunately the same system that produced his failures turns round to mock him.
Many a time the attraction between a man and woman does not go beyond the inside of the lips. It takes a more than a chance meeting; an exchange of vows to make it work the way marriage should work. There is nothing like they lived happily ever more in marriage, rather it is they lived a life of absolute determination to make it work. Tolerance, selfless sacrifices, patience are the backbone of successful marriage story.
One party must be ready to do more of the sacrifices for the other person.
Unlike the romance books qualifications of Tall, Handsome and Rich (THR) must have features for a man; Tall, Slim and Beautiful (TSB) for the woman, the real world is more complex than this. Experiences and statistics point to the fallacy and emptiness of these expectations. A man or woman can be beautiful inside but very ugly outside. Therefore the success of marriage isn’t measured by physical but by the inner qualities of that person.
Because of the roles the genders must play in the success of a union, the man must be focused along the line of responsibility and support for his family. A man who lacks the ability to command respect for himself and plans for his family success vis-Ã -vis hard work, would never get the full support of his wife.
The man may not make enough money but if the wife sees his efforts, she would have no problem giving him all the encouragements he needs by her unconditional support. This is the reason a man must find himself a woman who has the strength of character as well as the needed patience to see her man through difficult times.
The worst mistake any man can make in life is to marry a woman who lacks the patience to give him time to succeed. Young men in search for a wife must avoid a woman who is constantly comparing them with others, making unnecessary demands or appear in a hurry to hit the peak in life. True love is patient, kind, isn’t envious, self-seeking, rude or proud.
It glows with understanding and a willingness to support at all times. It comes from the heart and not from the face. Its strength is its ability to go the extra mile for the sake of that person he or she loves.
The right kind of woman or man would never apply unnecessary pressures on his or her partner. This is because the interest and happiness of the other person comes first. Any man or woman who exhibits own interest above the feelings of the other person is bound to end up a very selfish partner, one who would never be able to identify with the pains or emotions of his or her partner.
Marriage to this kind of person would never produce the kind of happiness or empathy that binds two individuals trying to make the journey of a lifetime together. Any person you cannot identify with, lacks the capability to feel what you are feeling is best avoided because communication between the two of them would be a tough struggle.
A couple must be able to communicate effectively, because without it the marriage becomes deaf and dumb to their needs as individuals. The result, two people living in the same house professing to be married but are in the real sense of the word strangers to each other. When therefore sourcing for a partner, look for that person you can talk to as well as talk with. You must share certain common interests, be happy with each other’s company and flow in conversations whether or not it is an opened or silent form of conversation. This makes it possible for couples to grow trust, guess the reactions of their mates on all issues and proceed to defend the absent partner at all times. Communication creates the important platform of trust and loyalty in a relationship/marriage. These are the basis for a great friendship in every relationship.
From experience love isn’t what keeps a relationship alive but the quality of friendship it has from the beginning. Friendship is the cement of compatibility every relationship needs to seal the broken line, heal the cracks of unfaithfulness, water down anger and protect the relationship from external interventions. If I stand here to assure you that a relationship is a cloth that fits perfectly, I would be telling the greatest lie. It has to constantly go through the processes of adjustment, shrinking, stretching, ironing and stitching to fit every occasion or issue that comes up between the couple.
Once the couple is unable to find that element at the first and second meeting, it might not be advisable for them to go on. To ignore this salient fact is to postpone doomsday in a relationship.
At all times, the woman especially, should have a sense of complete loyalty to her man irrespective of his condition at any given time. His happiness rather than the size of his purse should be her concern at all times.
A nag isn’t the kind of person to marry no matter how attractive or successful. No matter the level of one’s patience, a nag can erode whatever attempts the other party is trying to make for the success of the union. You can always tell a nag from the way he or she reacts to situations. Whereas others would gloss over it, a nag would never tire of referring and complaining about it.
Both men and women are social animals, which means we all want to be appreciated for one thing or the other. A word of appreciation goes a long way in getting the best out of a person or situation. A person stingy with appreciation for an effort made or given should be avoided since it would take a miracle to please such a person.
Sincerity remains the major strength of every relationship. From the very beginning don’t pretend to like what you don’t like or lie to yourself about anything. Reject what you cannot cope with immediately it comes up because marriage is a journey of a lifetime. The worst thing that can happen to anyone is to lie to him or herself. It is the perfect recipe for a disastrous marriage.
Granted, marriage is a journey of the unknown, more like a wrapped gift item. However, many of the disappointments can be avoided if we do our homework very well. A good student is the one who prepares adequately for an examination. There is no time that is too early for a young man and woman wishing to make this all important examination to begin preparations.
My prayer is for every one of you here to have a happy home.
Good luck.
Dear Readers,
Thanks for all your good wishes for me as I add another year today. I really appreciate every one of you. May God bless and keep you all for your kind and warm wishes for me. As usual on my birthdays, we are going into discussion on a topic that stood out through the year. We would be discussing marriage because it continues to be an issue from generation to generation.
Agatha.
The marriage institution remains the only one mankind would never be tired of. Unlike other institutions, no one is expected to graduate from it. From the very moment a child is born, he or she is expected to go into it one day and prayers at most christening ceremonies underscore this thinking and expectation.
Ironically, despite all these expectations, it is the one institution we are least prepared for. This is why it appears to be having problems, why marriages seem not to be working along the line God designed it. Many a time an exaggerated impression is presented about the institution that is far from reality. Apart from the references we make to it, there is very little attempt by the society to give proper tutorials to youths going into this all important institution. There seems to be a conspiracy of silence by everybody to conceal from the youths the real challenges inherent in the institution.
The consequence is akin to writing an examination without studying or preparing for it. Little wonder the first thing many newly-weds think of when reality dawns, is to end the whole thing. The ignorance and false impression with which many youths are today going into marriages is responsible for the high statistics of divorces the society is experiencing today.
Recently too, wrong ideas and values coupled with the refusal of the society to talk more freely about our collective mistakes in our various marriages, the difficulties we as parents are having managing those mistakes, our regrets and lessons from our experiences are also contributing to the quality of marriages the society is producing.
Bothered by what has now appeared to be the trend in both young and old marriages, I have decided to write on this topic with emphasis on the preparatory stage leading to marriage.
Every successful relationship cum marriage must begin with a vision. Though cosmopolitan in its nature, for it to work, a couple must learn to personalise it. Every man or woman thinking of marriage must first have a personal idea of what he or she hopes to achieve in life. If we all dream of what we want to become in future, shouldn’t we think of the vehicle that would help us sustain the dream of who we want to be? This is the basis. Without this basic vision, it becomes almost impossible for any man or woman to have an idea of who would fit perfectly into one’s life plan. The consequence of not knowing what one wants leads to the mistake of settling for the first person that comes not minding if there is an agreement of the mind, soul, and spirit.
A bad marriage can capsize the most promising of dreams. A man or woman could be blessed with the most superior intellect, but if unfortunate to have a bad spouse such intelligence could pass for foolishness and go unnoticed. Without appearing to castigate any gender, men are the worst victims of bad marriages given their God ordained role as head of the family. While a woman can endure, find ways of making herself happy by devoting all her time, love and attention to her children, a role women are playing very well, the man ends up a drunk, an adulterer or a complete failure in life. Unfortunately the same system that produced his failures turns round to mock him.
Many a time the attraction between a man and woman does not go beyond the inside of the lips. It takes a more than a chance meeting; an exchange of vows to make it work the way marriage should work. There is nothing like they lived happily ever more in marriage, rather it is they lived a life of absolute determination to make it work. Tolerance, selfless sacrifices, patience are the backbone of successful marriage story.
One party must be ready to do more of the sacrifices for the other person.
Unlike the romance books qualifications of Tall, Handsome and Rich (THR) must have features for a man; Tall, Slim and Beautiful (TSB) for the woman, the real world is more complex than this. Experiences and statistics point to the fallacy and emptiness of these expectations. A man or woman can be beautiful inside but very ugly outside. Therefore the success of marriage isn’t measured by physical but by the inner qualities of that person.
Because of the roles the genders must play in the success of a union, the man must be focused along the line of responsibility and support for his family. A man who lacks the ability to command respect for himself and plans for his family success vis-Ã -vis hard work, would never get the full support of his wife.
The man may not make enough money but if the wife sees his efforts, she would have no problem giving him all the encouragements he needs by her unconditional support. This is the reason a man must find himself a woman who has the strength of character as well as the needed patience to see her man through difficult times.
The worst mistake any man can make in life is to marry a woman who lacks the patience to give him time to succeed. Young men in search for a wife must avoid a woman who is constantly comparing them with others, making unnecessary demands or appear in a hurry to hit the peak in life. True love is patient, kind, isn’t envious, self-seeking, rude or proud.
It glows with understanding and a willingness to support at all times. It comes from the heart and not from the face. Its strength is its ability to go the extra mile for the sake of that person he or she loves.
The right kind of woman or man would never apply unnecessary pressures on his or her partner. This is because the interest and happiness of the other person comes first. Any man or woman who exhibits own interest above the feelings of the other person is bound to end up a very selfish partner, one who would never be able to identify with the pains or emotions of his or her partner.
Marriage to this kind of person would never produce the kind of happiness or empathy that binds two individuals trying to make the journey of a lifetime together. Any person you cannot identify with, lacks the capability to feel what you are feeling is best avoided because communication between the two of them would be a tough struggle.
A couple must be able to communicate effectively, because without it the marriage becomes deaf and dumb to their needs as individuals. The result, two people living in the same house professing to be married but are in the real sense of the word strangers to each other. When therefore sourcing for a partner, look for that person you can talk to as well as talk with. You must share certain common interests, be happy with each other’s company and flow in conversations whether or not it is an opened or silent form of conversation. This makes it possible for couples to grow trust, guess the reactions of their mates on all issues and proceed to defend the absent partner at all times. Communication creates the important platform of trust and loyalty in a relationship/marriage. These are the basis for a great friendship in every relationship.
From experience love isn’t what keeps a relationship alive but the quality of friendship it has from the beginning. Friendship is the cement of compatibility every relationship needs to seal the broken line, heal the cracks of unfaithfulness, water down anger and protect the relationship from external interventions. If I stand here to assure you that a relationship is a cloth that fits perfectly, I would be telling the greatest lie. It has to constantly go through the processes of adjustment, shrinking, stretching, ironing and stitching to fit every occasion or issue that comes up between the couple.
Once the couple is unable to find that element at the first and second meeting, it might not be advisable for them to go on. To ignore this salient fact is to postpone doomsday in a relationship.
At all times, the woman especially, should have a sense of complete loyalty to her man irrespective of his condition at any given time. His happiness rather than the size of his purse should be her concern at all times.
A nag isn’t the kind of person to marry no matter how attractive or successful. No matter the level of one’s patience, a nag can erode whatever attempts the other party is trying to make for the success of the union. You can always tell a nag from the way he or she reacts to situations. Whereas others would gloss over it, a nag would never tire of referring and complaining about it.
Both men and women are social animals, which means we all want to be appreciated for one thing or the other. A word of appreciation goes a long way in getting the best out of a person or situation. A person stingy with appreciation for an effort made or given should be avoided since it would take a miracle to please such a person.
Sincerity remains the major strength of every relationship. From the very beginning don’t pretend to like what you don’t like or lie to yourself about anything. Reject what you cannot cope with immediately it comes up because marriage is a journey of a lifetime. The worst thing that can happen to anyone is to lie to him or herself. It is the perfect recipe for a disastrous marriage.
Granted, marriage is a journey of the unknown, more like a wrapped gift item. However, many of the disappointments can be avoided if we do our homework very well. A good student is the one who prepares adequately for an examination. There is no time that is too early for a young man and woman wishing to make this all important examination to begin preparations.
My prayer is for every one of you here to have a happy home.
Good luck.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
He won’t stop seeking sex…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 20 years of age and in my third year in senior secondary school. I have a boyfriend that is 28 years, an unemployed graduate. I love him very much and praying that God will make it possible for both of us to get married. He really has all the qualities I have always wanted in a man, but he is always demanding for sex. Please help me out.
Funke.
Dear Funke,
Be careful. It is all right to fall in love and have dreams about the future with the kind of man you think would make you happy.
However, there is the need for you at your age to be cautious. There are so many reasons for you to be careful and be watchful of the men you allow into your space.
For you, it is not so much about your age but the academy years you have ahead of you. If at 20, you are in SSS3, it goes without saying that you are just starting out in terms of your educational journey in life.
In the first instance, you don’t even have the basic certificate to pave your way into higher education; the reason you should forget about men for now and concentrate on your studies. You need to pass convincingly well to gain admission into the university. This is because out there are millions of successful secondary school students looking for admission into the university. These days, only the best of the best are admitted into the universities or polytechnics.
This is why you should concentrate all your efforts on your eduation. He has nothing to lose but you have a lot to if you allow him into your body. Not only do you risk getting pregnant but also ending your education at least for the time being.
And by the time you are ready to come back to your educational pursuit, you may not be able to withstand the social shame of going back to finish your secondary shool considering the age you would be at that time.
If this man really loves you, he should patiently wait for you to be ready as he is, finish your study like he has done.
He should know that sex for you now would be a huge distraction. Besides, with what does he plan to take care of you should an accident of pregnancy occur? Any man wishing to be intimate with a woman must have the resources to take care of her when incidences like unplanned pregnancies occur.
Next time he demands for sex, in addition to telling him the kind of future you plan for yourself, ask him how he intends caring for you and a baby if the act leads to you becoming pregnant?
And if he insists on quitting the relationship on account of you not giving in to him, allow him go. Chances are what you think are the right qualities may not be. Don’t be afraid to subject what you feel for him to test. Relationship as with every other thing in life has to be subjected to the different ounces of life.
Be bold in taking your destiny in your hands. There is always time and season for everything. Your season now is to pay more attention to your study and not to place the matter of relationship above what is important to you now. Your ideal man should be more interested in growing your mind than your body.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 20 years of age and in my third year in senior secondary school. I have a boyfriend that is 28 years, an unemployed graduate. I love him very much and praying that God will make it possible for both of us to get married. He really has all the qualities I have always wanted in a man, but he is always demanding for sex. Please help me out.
Funke.
Dear Funke,
Be careful. It is all right to fall in love and have dreams about the future with the kind of man you think would make you happy.
However, there is the need for you at your age to be cautious. There are so many reasons for you to be careful and be watchful of the men you allow into your space.
For you, it is not so much about your age but the academy years you have ahead of you. If at 20, you are in SSS3, it goes without saying that you are just starting out in terms of your educational journey in life.
In the first instance, you don’t even have the basic certificate to pave your way into higher education; the reason you should forget about men for now and concentrate on your studies. You need to pass convincingly well to gain admission into the university. This is because out there are millions of successful secondary school students looking for admission into the university. These days, only the best of the best are admitted into the universities or polytechnics.
This is why you should concentrate all your efforts on your eduation. He has nothing to lose but you have a lot to if you allow him into your body. Not only do you risk getting pregnant but also ending your education at least for the time being.
And by the time you are ready to come back to your educational pursuit, you may not be able to withstand the social shame of going back to finish your secondary shool considering the age you would be at that time.
If this man really loves you, he should patiently wait for you to be ready as he is, finish your study like he has done.
He should know that sex for you now would be a huge distraction. Besides, with what does he plan to take care of you should an accident of pregnancy occur? Any man wishing to be intimate with a woman must have the resources to take care of her when incidences like unplanned pregnancies occur.
Next time he demands for sex, in addition to telling him the kind of future you plan for yourself, ask him how he intends caring for you and a baby if the act leads to you becoming pregnant?
And if he insists on quitting the relationship on account of you not giving in to him, allow him go. Chances are what you think are the right qualities may not be. Don’t be afraid to subject what you feel for him to test. Relationship as with every other thing in life has to be subjected to the different ounces of life.
Be bold in taking your destiny in your hands. There is always time and season for everything. Your season now is to pay more attention to your study and not to place the matter of relationship above what is important to you now. Your ideal man should be more interested in growing your mind than your body.
Good luck.
My father’s mistress is my mum’s friend
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have always known that my father is having affair with a woman in our neighbourhood. He is always with her and the woman happens to be close to my mother through another friend. This other woman through this friend is now a regular visitor to our home, to the extent that she brings edibles like fruits to my mother. During a recent party in my mother’s family, she not only accompained my mother but was among those she trusted with the cooking and distribution of the food.
I have caught my father severally with her but I don’t know how to warn my mother about this woman she is beginning to get close to. I am afraid for my mother’s life. I don’t want to lose her to another woman’s desire to become my father’s wife.
My father is the kind of man that doesn’t discriminate against any woman that graces his bed. I suspect my mother knows some of his escapades but may have decided to look the other way to preserve her marriage.
Please help me. My mother is really getting too close to this woman for my liking. I am 21 years and the first of my parents’ children. I am too young to be without a mother especially my kind of mother who is responsible for our education and feeding. Without my mother, I won’t be graduating next year at all.
Agatha, I am afraid. I don’t know how to introduce the subject to my mother without breaking her home.
Lola.
Dear Lola,
For a young lady of 21 years of age, you are very sensible and caring. You definitely have all the reasons in the world to be apprehensive because a lot of women have unwittingly fast-forwarded their deaths by befriending their husbands’ girlfriends.
You don’t have to tell your mother the real reason you don’t want her close to the woman to avoid problems in your own family. Your mother may know about all the other women, but finding out that she has unknowingly become very good friends with one of them may really hurt her beyond words.
For a woman that has put in so much for her family, she may not be able to endure the embarrassment of this incident. It may be the last stroke that would break the camel’s back.
There are three things you can do on your own without your mother ever finding out. The first is to go directly to your father. Without being rude, let him know that you are not unaware of his affairs with other women. Tell him while you are willing to ignore all the other women in his life, you will not tolerate a situation where he brings into the house his girlfriend.
Knowing that you are aware of the nature of his relationship with your mother’s so called new friend would moderate his reaction to you especially as he isn’t in a position to exercise excessive authority over you.
Besides knowing that nothing about his other life is hidden from you will make him consider so many things. Most men don’t like losing the respect of their children. He may not be able to control his libido but once you confront him with what you know especially as it regards his girlfriend’s association with your mother, he would take the steps to ensure the two are not friends again. Trust me, men are very good at terminating relationship between their wives and friends they don’t like.
Subtle threats of holding him responsible for anything that happens to your mother would make him really act fast about putting an end to the relationship between your mother and his girlfriend.
Your second visit should be to your mother’s friend. Again, be civil until you find out if she is aware of the relationship between the other woman and your father. But don’t neglect to tell her all you know about what is going on between your father and the other woman. Threaten to report her to your mother and her husband as well as telling the whole world what you know if anything happens to your mother. Chances are she would personally end the relationship to protect her name if not necessarily to protect her relationship with your mother. No woman wants her marriage to break down, so once you make the threat of telling her husband about everything, she would think twice about continuing with her friendship with the other woman.
The final visit is to the woman herself. Here, you don’t have to be subtle or respectful because her kind of woman doesn’t deserve such courtesy. Go with the determination of confronting her. If you cannot go on your own, enlist the help of a male cousin or uncle. Let her know that the next time she comes to your home to see your mother she may not be lucky to go unhurt.
If possible, report the incident of your visit in the nearest Police Station incase she gets nasty.
By the time you finish with all three of them, this woman would stay out of your lives for good.
Also try discouraging your mother from accepting things from people she is just meeting. You could warn her by claiming to have bad vibes about this woman.
Above all, there is the need to really talk to your father afterwards. Find out why he thinks he has to be involved with other women to make him happy. Listen to him even if you think he is wrong. He may really have one or two points against your mother, which you may not be aware of.
Also ask your mother one or two probing questions concerning her marriage and relationship with your father.
This way you would know how to really help your parents have a happier home and marriage. And don’t neglect to rest everything about your parents in the hand of God.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have always known that my father is having affair with a woman in our neighbourhood. He is always with her and the woman happens to be close to my mother through another friend. This other woman through this friend is now a regular visitor to our home, to the extent that she brings edibles like fruits to my mother. During a recent party in my mother’s family, she not only accompained my mother but was among those she trusted with the cooking and distribution of the food.
I have caught my father severally with her but I don’t know how to warn my mother about this woman she is beginning to get close to. I am afraid for my mother’s life. I don’t want to lose her to another woman’s desire to become my father’s wife.
My father is the kind of man that doesn’t discriminate against any woman that graces his bed. I suspect my mother knows some of his escapades but may have decided to look the other way to preserve her marriage.
Please help me. My mother is really getting too close to this woman for my liking. I am 21 years and the first of my parents’ children. I am too young to be without a mother especially my kind of mother who is responsible for our education and feeding. Without my mother, I won’t be graduating next year at all.
Agatha, I am afraid. I don’t know how to introduce the subject to my mother without breaking her home.
Lola.
Dear Lola,
For a young lady of 21 years of age, you are very sensible and caring. You definitely have all the reasons in the world to be apprehensive because a lot of women have unwittingly fast-forwarded their deaths by befriending their husbands’ girlfriends.
You don’t have to tell your mother the real reason you don’t want her close to the woman to avoid problems in your own family. Your mother may know about all the other women, but finding out that she has unknowingly become very good friends with one of them may really hurt her beyond words.
For a woman that has put in so much for her family, she may not be able to endure the embarrassment of this incident. It may be the last stroke that would break the camel’s back.
There are three things you can do on your own without your mother ever finding out. The first is to go directly to your father. Without being rude, let him know that you are not unaware of his affairs with other women. Tell him while you are willing to ignore all the other women in his life, you will not tolerate a situation where he brings into the house his girlfriend.
Knowing that you are aware of the nature of his relationship with your mother’s so called new friend would moderate his reaction to you especially as he isn’t in a position to exercise excessive authority over you.
Besides knowing that nothing about his other life is hidden from you will make him consider so many things. Most men don’t like losing the respect of their children. He may not be able to control his libido but once you confront him with what you know especially as it regards his girlfriend’s association with your mother, he would take the steps to ensure the two are not friends again. Trust me, men are very good at terminating relationship between their wives and friends they don’t like.
Subtle threats of holding him responsible for anything that happens to your mother would make him really act fast about putting an end to the relationship between your mother and his girlfriend.
Your second visit should be to your mother’s friend. Again, be civil until you find out if she is aware of the relationship between the other woman and your father. But don’t neglect to tell her all you know about what is going on between your father and the other woman. Threaten to report her to your mother and her husband as well as telling the whole world what you know if anything happens to your mother. Chances are she would personally end the relationship to protect her name if not necessarily to protect her relationship with your mother. No woman wants her marriage to break down, so once you make the threat of telling her husband about everything, she would think twice about continuing with her friendship with the other woman.
The final visit is to the woman herself. Here, you don’t have to be subtle or respectful because her kind of woman doesn’t deserve such courtesy. Go with the determination of confronting her. If you cannot go on your own, enlist the help of a male cousin or uncle. Let her know that the next time she comes to your home to see your mother she may not be lucky to go unhurt.
If possible, report the incident of your visit in the nearest Police Station incase she gets nasty.
By the time you finish with all three of them, this woman would stay out of your lives for good.
Also try discouraging your mother from accepting things from people she is just meeting. You could warn her by claiming to have bad vibes about this woman.
Above all, there is the need to really talk to your father afterwards. Find out why he thinks he has to be involved with other women to make him happy. Listen to him even if you think he is wrong. He may really have one or two points against your mother, which you may not be aware of.
Also ask your mother one or two probing questions concerning her marriage and relationship with your father.
This way you would know how to really help your parents have a happier home and marriage. And don’t neglect to rest everything about your parents in the hand of God.
Good luck.
He’s calling for sex 2-month after childbirth
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a first time mother. My baby is just two months of age and my husband is already asking for sex. My pleas that I am not ready for such intimacy are falling on deaf ears as he keeps insisting that he cannot cope any longer.
It isn’t as if I have any problem stopping me from getting close to my husband but my mother warned me that it was bad for a woman still breastfeeding to allow her husband come near her. She says the baby would always get sick because of the sperm in the mother’s body.
She says it is always best for the mother to abstain from sex until she stops breastfeeding. I asked a friend of mine who began having babies before me, she said her husband didn’t bother her, was contented to wait until she was ready to resume lovemaking.
Other women I asked gave me conflicting answers. I am now so confused about it all hence my decision to ask you for help.
Another reason is that I am not as interested in sex as such. My husband on the other hand is almost addicted to sex. For me, all the attention and demands can be very tiring. I honestly see this chance as my opportunity to rest from his massive attention. But I am also afraid that my refusal could spell doom for me as my husband isn’t the kind of man to exercise too much patience when it comes to sex.
Another thing is how can I bring myself to enjoy sex as much as he does?
Bisi.
Dear Bisi,
Many things go into the making of a perfect marriage and one of those things is honesty. If you are having challenges with the incessant sexual demands of your husband, let him know exactly how you feel about it instead of hiding under a different matter to solve an issue you will never go away from in your marriage.
The more you pretend it isn’t an issue, the more complicated your marriage becomes. And by the time you finally want to talk about it, like a very busy tailor’s thread, the tangle will be too complex to undo. The line between happiness and sadness is so thin, thus your need to be very careful.
This is because bad sex brings with it a load of confusion, suspicion and disloyalty. If your husband is the kind of man who has a suspicious, chances are after a while he would begin to suspect your motive for not flowing with him in the bedroom. And if you happen to be close to a male colleague or a friend of his, chances are he would begin to imagine and impute things that are not into an otherwise innocent relationship.
By the time you realize the reason for his grouchiness, a lot of things would have been affected in your marriage, some beyond repairs or remedy whatsoever.
The flip side of this is pushing him into the willing arms of another woman. Once he strays into the hands of another woman, desperate to have a man in her life, getting him back may not be possible because she would give unselfishly that thing you are finding difficult to give him.
Besides, don’t forget that being married, he has a right over your body. If he doesn’t get it from you, where do you expect him to go? To the arms of another woman?
Even if he agrees to let you be for now, it is temporary. It can never be a long-term solution to the issue you have raised.
Sex is an important ingredient in every marriage. If you want your marriage to last forever, it has to be given its rightful place in your marriage.
What you should do now is to find out why you are feeling stranded in your sex life with your husband. When did it start? If you didn’t marry as a virgin, how was it with you and other men? If you married as a virgin, what is he doing wrong? Is there a particular way you want him to handle you?
To ensure you get a very comprehensive solution to your problem, don’t be shy. Marriage gives you the right to say and demand what you want from your spouse. Like him, there is nowhere you can run to when your body thirsts for that thing that pleases it the most. No matter how uninteresting you find sex most of the time, there are certain days you will feel like having it and would want him to perform at full capacity. Try imagining your feelings if he does it half-heartedly without passion or consideration for your feelings? You will naturally feel bad and unwanted, isn’t it?
This is what your husband feels anytime he makes love to you and you are not putting everything into it. He could be deliberately avoiding a discussion in that direction because he doesn’t want to hurt you but that isn’t to say he will not be bothered about the issue.
This is why you should build up the courage to face the issue squarely. By asking yourself why you appear indifferent to sex, you will find the clue to coping with your husband’s high demands. Chances are if he gets quality performance from you, you could persuade him to cut down on quantity.
Marriage is a journey of compromises. You must be ready to give up something for something. You cannot be under his roof and dislike sex. Of what use then are you to him? He can get any woman he wants to cook, care for his house as well as have children for him. But the reason he wants you in his life has to do with companionship and unhindered access to sex when he feels like it. You are in his house to check his excesses as well as ensure he doesn’t have any reason to stray. The moment you fail to provide him with the essential material, you leave him no choice but to look elsewhere for it.
Sitting him down for a dialogue will help him realise his mistakes and you appreciate your essence in his life. Together, both of you would work something out; something that would make your marriage overcome whatever is thrown at it by life.
Such talks would also help communicate your desires to him on what you want and expect from him. You enjoy sex the best when happy, relaxed and accommodating of the other person’s abilities. It also helps to have a broad sense of adventure.
On the issue of lovemaking affecting the quality of your milk and having negative impact on your baby, it isn’t true. As long as you are comfortable, don’t have any incision that would take time to heal; you are medically fit to resume intimacy with your husband. Medically, after six weeks of normal delivery, a woman can have sex.
I am sure your doctor must have told you at your post-natal examination this. In those days, women used breastfeeding as a form of birth control; a device they used in spacing their children. And in those days, their husbands had more than a wife; hence if one was incapacitated by childbirth, the man had another woman on queue to satisfy his urges.
Women in monogamous marriages cannot afford such luxuries because men are moved by sight. A woman, who leaves her husband out in the cold for too long, should blame no one but herself if he finds pleasure in the arms of another woman.
For the sake of your happiness, ignore your mother’s counsel. Your baby is safe. There is no way sperm in your reproductive system can get into your breasts. It is designed by God to stay within a woman’s reproductive organs and not in any other place.
While the baby has to feed, you also have to keep your husband satisfied as his wife. The woman is equipped by nature to handle both roles as mother and wife effectively. The moment a woman allows one function to overwhelm the other, it signals problems for her and the home.
If he is the impatient kind, it follows that he is only enduring the situation because he loves you. Don’t push him into doing what he doesn’t want to do because you may not be able to handle the repercussion at all.
Furthermore, desist from discussing issues like this with friends because what works for them may not work for you. Men are different in nature. While some men have the patience and power of endurance to stay without sex for a long time, other men cannot stay without it for more than a day. So if you consult a friend whose husband isn’t particular about it, you will get the wrong counsel because she doesn’t have your kind of experience. Since it is a medical issue, the ideal person is your doctor.
Above all, never leave God outside your marriage. It is important.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a first time mother. My baby is just two months of age and my husband is already asking for sex. My pleas that I am not ready for such intimacy are falling on deaf ears as he keeps insisting that he cannot cope any longer.
It isn’t as if I have any problem stopping me from getting close to my husband but my mother warned me that it was bad for a woman still breastfeeding to allow her husband come near her. She says the baby would always get sick because of the sperm in the mother’s body.
She says it is always best for the mother to abstain from sex until she stops breastfeeding. I asked a friend of mine who began having babies before me, she said her husband didn’t bother her, was contented to wait until she was ready to resume lovemaking.
Other women I asked gave me conflicting answers. I am now so confused about it all hence my decision to ask you for help.
Another reason is that I am not as interested in sex as such. My husband on the other hand is almost addicted to sex. For me, all the attention and demands can be very tiring. I honestly see this chance as my opportunity to rest from his massive attention. But I am also afraid that my refusal could spell doom for me as my husband isn’t the kind of man to exercise too much patience when it comes to sex.
Another thing is how can I bring myself to enjoy sex as much as he does?
Bisi.
Dear Bisi,
Many things go into the making of a perfect marriage and one of those things is honesty. If you are having challenges with the incessant sexual demands of your husband, let him know exactly how you feel about it instead of hiding under a different matter to solve an issue you will never go away from in your marriage.
The more you pretend it isn’t an issue, the more complicated your marriage becomes. And by the time you finally want to talk about it, like a very busy tailor’s thread, the tangle will be too complex to undo. The line between happiness and sadness is so thin, thus your need to be very careful.
This is because bad sex brings with it a load of confusion, suspicion and disloyalty. If your husband is the kind of man who has a suspicious, chances are after a while he would begin to suspect your motive for not flowing with him in the bedroom. And if you happen to be close to a male colleague or a friend of his, chances are he would begin to imagine and impute things that are not into an otherwise innocent relationship.
By the time you realize the reason for his grouchiness, a lot of things would have been affected in your marriage, some beyond repairs or remedy whatsoever.
The flip side of this is pushing him into the willing arms of another woman. Once he strays into the hands of another woman, desperate to have a man in her life, getting him back may not be possible because she would give unselfishly that thing you are finding difficult to give him.
Besides, don’t forget that being married, he has a right over your body. If he doesn’t get it from you, where do you expect him to go? To the arms of another woman?
Even if he agrees to let you be for now, it is temporary. It can never be a long-term solution to the issue you have raised.
Sex is an important ingredient in every marriage. If you want your marriage to last forever, it has to be given its rightful place in your marriage.
What you should do now is to find out why you are feeling stranded in your sex life with your husband. When did it start? If you didn’t marry as a virgin, how was it with you and other men? If you married as a virgin, what is he doing wrong? Is there a particular way you want him to handle you?
To ensure you get a very comprehensive solution to your problem, don’t be shy. Marriage gives you the right to say and demand what you want from your spouse. Like him, there is nowhere you can run to when your body thirsts for that thing that pleases it the most. No matter how uninteresting you find sex most of the time, there are certain days you will feel like having it and would want him to perform at full capacity. Try imagining your feelings if he does it half-heartedly without passion or consideration for your feelings? You will naturally feel bad and unwanted, isn’t it?
This is what your husband feels anytime he makes love to you and you are not putting everything into it. He could be deliberately avoiding a discussion in that direction because he doesn’t want to hurt you but that isn’t to say he will not be bothered about the issue.
This is why you should build up the courage to face the issue squarely. By asking yourself why you appear indifferent to sex, you will find the clue to coping with your husband’s high demands. Chances are if he gets quality performance from you, you could persuade him to cut down on quantity.
Marriage is a journey of compromises. You must be ready to give up something for something. You cannot be under his roof and dislike sex. Of what use then are you to him? He can get any woman he wants to cook, care for his house as well as have children for him. But the reason he wants you in his life has to do with companionship and unhindered access to sex when he feels like it. You are in his house to check his excesses as well as ensure he doesn’t have any reason to stray. The moment you fail to provide him with the essential material, you leave him no choice but to look elsewhere for it.
Sitting him down for a dialogue will help him realise his mistakes and you appreciate your essence in his life. Together, both of you would work something out; something that would make your marriage overcome whatever is thrown at it by life.
Such talks would also help communicate your desires to him on what you want and expect from him. You enjoy sex the best when happy, relaxed and accommodating of the other person’s abilities. It also helps to have a broad sense of adventure.
On the issue of lovemaking affecting the quality of your milk and having negative impact on your baby, it isn’t true. As long as you are comfortable, don’t have any incision that would take time to heal; you are medically fit to resume intimacy with your husband. Medically, after six weeks of normal delivery, a woman can have sex.
I am sure your doctor must have told you at your post-natal examination this. In those days, women used breastfeeding as a form of birth control; a device they used in spacing their children. And in those days, their husbands had more than a wife; hence if one was incapacitated by childbirth, the man had another woman on queue to satisfy his urges.
Women in monogamous marriages cannot afford such luxuries because men are moved by sight. A woman, who leaves her husband out in the cold for too long, should blame no one but herself if he finds pleasure in the arms of another woman.
For the sake of your happiness, ignore your mother’s counsel. Your baby is safe. There is no way sperm in your reproductive system can get into your breasts. It is designed by God to stay within a woman’s reproductive organs and not in any other place.
While the baby has to feed, you also have to keep your husband satisfied as his wife. The woman is equipped by nature to handle both roles as mother and wife effectively. The moment a woman allows one function to overwhelm the other, it signals problems for her and the home.
If he is the impatient kind, it follows that he is only enduring the situation because he loves you. Don’t push him into doing what he doesn’t want to do because you may not be able to handle the repercussion at all.
Furthermore, desist from discussing issues like this with friends because what works for them may not work for you. Men are different in nature. While some men have the patience and power of endurance to stay without sex for a long time, other men cannot stay without it for more than a day. So if you consult a friend whose husband isn’t particular about it, you will get the wrong counsel because she doesn’t have your kind of experience. Since it is a medical issue, the ideal person is your doctor.
Above all, never leave God outside your marriage. It is important.
Good luck.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
She plans to leave her man for me…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thank you for your selfless services to many people through your column.
I am involved with this lady I met online. At the beginning of our relationship, she was reluctant to visit me from her Ibadan base. Later I got to know the reason for her unwillingness. I discovered it has to do with the fact that she is sort of engaged to the father of her daughter. She got pregnant when she was in one 100level at the university.
When her family and that of the boy discovered her pregnancy, they met in a formal introduction of the two families.
She has since gone back to school as is certainly not waiting for her would be husband to secure a job so that they can formally tie the knot.
We became intimate when she finally agreed to visit me and have been in her follow up visits.
Without persuading her, she is insisting she is happier with me than the father of her child. She is of the opinion that she will achieve her dreams effortlessly with me than she would with the other man.
Despite pointing her at the odds against a relationship with me considering the bond of a child between her and the other man as well as marital commitment, she is adamant.
Each time I suggest we go our different ways; she reacts in a way that makes me very fearful. She completely goes limp on me.
According to her, she has tried to get me out of her mind but discovers it is very difficult, she simply cannot imagine a life without me. I do love her also despite everything.
What do you suggest I do? She has assured me of pulling away gradually from her boyfriend irrespective of the consequences for her actions on her daughter as well as those of her parents.
I keep insisting we go our separate ways but she is very stubborn about her decision not to leave me.
Please help me.
Concerned Man.
Dear Concerned Man,
You have made the mistake of getting involved with a woman who isn’t really free in the sense of it. Don’t complicate your life any further by giving in to her persuasive powers.
The facts are she is a mother and has a subsisting commitment to the father of the child.
Morally and spiritually, whatever she is having with you is not right. It wouldn’t have been wrong had she not agreed in principle in the presence of the two families to marry the man.
Until she takes the steps to terminate formally the agreement and recognition of the formal introductions of both families, that man remains her husband under the native laws and customs of her people. To date you is to court adultery.
Her feelings for you or that man doesn’t invalidate her official status hence the need for you to tread carefully with her if you don’t want the ominous clouds gathering to dispel on you. The contents of this cloud have the potentials of scorching you if not now but later when you least expect. How would you feel if the woman you have all your hopes on suddenly decides to betray you with another man the way this woman is with you? Happy or pained at the betrayal?
Life comes in familiar circles. The people may change but the patterns never do.
If she has any reason to change her mind, going out with you isn’t a solution. She must first terminate her relationship with the other man before contemplating anything new with another man. If she is sure of her feelings for you as well as the needed courage to advertise it, she should first go to her man and confess her change of mind to him. She does have the right to change her mind but what she doesn’t have the right to do is to attempt a shortcut to the issue. She has no right to use you to settle her differences with this man. She doesn’t need a reason to quit, she needs only a certainty to know that no matter how much she tries, the man is wrong for her. For now you are only a reason for her, not a conviction that her relationship with the other man lacks a viable future to peg.
Before going to bed with the other man and having a baby for him, didn’t she know he lacked what she wanted from life? Relationship isn’t only about the good times. It is also about the bad times. If she lacks the will and desire to make this one work, what assurances do you have she won’t also abandon you for a more exciting man?
Like I said, she has the right to quit her agreement with the father of her child but it mustn’t be because she has an alternative in you. She must take time off both of you to reflect on what she wants from life, determine why the other relationship isn’t going to work and what makes yours different.
Until she does an honest appraisal of her life vis-Ã -vis her involvement with the two of you, there is the danger of her becoming more confused with you as the years roll by. And you must be careful not to end up as a pawn in the hands of a determined woman looking for a reason to do something.
Based on her honesty and full knowledge of what she wants, future interactions with the father of her child would be less acrimonious. This is because that child would always need her father and for her to be a good mother, she has to present him with good reasons for quitting to make things cordial between them.
Therefore, as a mother, she must care about the consequences of her decision on her daughter and the family of the man. This is not like the regular relationship where future interactions can be avoided once the relationship is extinguished. The presence of a child between them means they have a permanent link till eternity. And if her reasons for quitting are simply because of the excitement of something new with you, chances of them coming back together is high especially if the man and the child get together to pressure her into it.
Besides, there is also the matter of pressures you would also face in your family. Would your family support the idea of you marrying a woman who has a child? Can you cope with the relationship that would continue to exist between this woman and the father of her child?
These are real issues you have to pay attention to. New challenges would confront your romance once it goes public. Your friends and family would not stop asking you what you see in a woman who has a child.
Do you have enough feelings, guts and faith in your relationship to overcome these pressures? Deep down do you love her and ready to marry her if another mistake of a pregnancy comes from your intimacy? Is she your dream woman?
Her feelings for you may be genuine, one of those out of the blue situations, which defy rationality. But if you haven’t considered all these the time is now before you find yourselves in a situation you would never be happy in.
And if you are really serious about quitting, her reactions won’t matter. Instead of dancing round the issue, in the interest of all concerned, both of you should face the issue with all the seriousness it deserves to avoid more regrets later in life.
Good luck.
Reading through your column in the ‘Daily Independent’ Newspapers, I must confess you are really doing a good job.
I am 30 years old and have been in a relationship with a lady, though two years younger for the past ten years, until late last year when she walked up to me to inform me of her love for another man.
I was devastated by her announcement because l loved her so deeply. Amid tears she told me her parents don’t approve of our marriage plans because we are from different parts of the country. She is from the South East while I am from the South West.
Right now, I have secured a good job and in a fresh relationship with a new lady. She stood by me during those bad moments. I am really trying to love her the way she deserves to be loved but each time my ex calls me, my heart beats. I am quite disturbed. Please advise me.
SL.
Dear SL,
Her voice still has the power to bring about this feeling in you because you haven’t been able to stop loving her. Ten years is like a lifetime. For these years, she was the most important woman in your life. She held your heart and life in her hands.
And if those ten years were spent investing on growing and patenting your relationship to suit your uniqueness as a couple, of becoming the most important persons in each other’s lives, of being best of friends, it would take a while for you to be able to get over the disappointment of her leaving you.
It would be most difficult for you in particular because you didn’t envisage losing her to another man or packing up the relationship. And coming without warning or internal problems between the two of you makes the suddenness of it all more than you can cope with now.
No matter how much you try, it would take time for you to completely rid your memory of thoughts of her. Don’t try to force it, allow it die prematurely.
It might even take a lifetime especially if your relationship was of the premium kind, the type that grows better with each passing day.
This thing is to appeal for support and understanding from your new woman; understanding not to be jealous of yesterday’s memories as well as support, to overcome to a reasonable extent, the intensity of your feelings for her.
You must also make the effort too not to get into the dangerous habit of comparing her person or character with your former girlfriend. Learn to love her for who she is; give her the time and opportunity to make you happy and to carve her own niche in your life. This is important if you hope to spend the rest of your life together.
For now until you are able to control your feelings for her, avoid taking her calls. But let her know why you won’t be doing so for a while. If she truly loves you and wants you to be happy, she would respect your decision to stay away from her for a while.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thank you for your selfless services to many people through your column.
I am involved with this lady I met online. At the beginning of our relationship, she was reluctant to visit me from her Ibadan base. Later I got to know the reason for her unwillingness. I discovered it has to do with the fact that she is sort of engaged to the father of her daughter. She got pregnant when she was in one 100level at the university.
When her family and that of the boy discovered her pregnancy, they met in a formal introduction of the two families.
She has since gone back to school as is certainly not waiting for her would be husband to secure a job so that they can formally tie the knot.
We became intimate when she finally agreed to visit me and have been in her follow up visits.
Without persuading her, she is insisting she is happier with me than the father of her child. She is of the opinion that she will achieve her dreams effortlessly with me than she would with the other man.
Despite pointing her at the odds against a relationship with me considering the bond of a child between her and the other man as well as marital commitment, she is adamant.
Each time I suggest we go our different ways; she reacts in a way that makes me very fearful. She completely goes limp on me.
According to her, she has tried to get me out of her mind but discovers it is very difficult, she simply cannot imagine a life without me. I do love her also despite everything.
What do you suggest I do? She has assured me of pulling away gradually from her boyfriend irrespective of the consequences for her actions on her daughter as well as those of her parents.
I keep insisting we go our separate ways but she is very stubborn about her decision not to leave me.
Please help me.
Concerned Man.
Dear Concerned Man,
You have made the mistake of getting involved with a woman who isn’t really free in the sense of it. Don’t complicate your life any further by giving in to her persuasive powers.
The facts are she is a mother and has a subsisting commitment to the father of the child.
Morally and spiritually, whatever she is having with you is not right. It wouldn’t have been wrong had she not agreed in principle in the presence of the two families to marry the man.
Until she takes the steps to terminate formally the agreement and recognition of the formal introductions of both families, that man remains her husband under the native laws and customs of her people. To date you is to court adultery.
Her feelings for you or that man doesn’t invalidate her official status hence the need for you to tread carefully with her if you don’t want the ominous clouds gathering to dispel on you. The contents of this cloud have the potentials of scorching you if not now but later when you least expect. How would you feel if the woman you have all your hopes on suddenly decides to betray you with another man the way this woman is with you? Happy or pained at the betrayal?
Life comes in familiar circles. The people may change but the patterns never do.
If she has any reason to change her mind, going out with you isn’t a solution. She must first terminate her relationship with the other man before contemplating anything new with another man. If she is sure of her feelings for you as well as the needed courage to advertise it, she should first go to her man and confess her change of mind to him. She does have the right to change her mind but what she doesn’t have the right to do is to attempt a shortcut to the issue. She has no right to use you to settle her differences with this man. She doesn’t need a reason to quit, she needs only a certainty to know that no matter how much she tries, the man is wrong for her. For now you are only a reason for her, not a conviction that her relationship with the other man lacks a viable future to peg.
Before going to bed with the other man and having a baby for him, didn’t she know he lacked what she wanted from life? Relationship isn’t only about the good times. It is also about the bad times. If she lacks the will and desire to make this one work, what assurances do you have she won’t also abandon you for a more exciting man?
Like I said, she has the right to quit her agreement with the father of her child but it mustn’t be because she has an alternative in you. She must take time off both of you to reflect on what she wants from life, determine why the other relationship isn’t going to work and what makes yours different.
Until she does an honest appraisal of her life vis-Ã -vis her involvement with the two of you, there is the danger of her becoming more confused with you as the years roll by. And you must be careful not to end up as a pawn in the hands of a determined woman looking for a reason to do something.
Based on her honesty and full knowledge of what she wants, future interactions with the father of her child would be less acrimonious. This is because that child would always need her father and for her to be a good mother, she has to present him with good reasons for quitting to make things cordial between them.
Therefore, as a mother, she must care about the consequences of her decision on her daughter and the family of the man. This is not like the regular relationship where future interactions can be avoided once the relationship is extinguished. The presence of a child between them means they have a permanent link till eternity. And if her reasons for quitting are simply because of the excitement of something new with you, chances of them coming back together is high especially if the man and the child get together to pressure her into it.
Besides, there is also the matter of pressures you would also face in your family. Would your family support the idea of you marrying a woman who has a child? Can you cope with the relationship that would continue to exist between this woman and the father of her child?
These are real issues you have to pay attention to. New challenges would confront your romance once it goes public. Your friends and family would not stop asking you what you see in a woman who has a child.
Do you have enough feelings, guts and faith in your relationship to overcome these pressures? Deep down do you love her and ready to marry her if another mistake of a pregnancy comes from your intimacy? Is she your dream woman?
Her feelings for you may be genuine, one of those out of the blue situations, which defy rationality. But if you haven’t considered all these the time is now before you find yourselves in a situation you would never be happy in.
And if you are really serious about quitting, her reactions won’t matter. Instead of dancing round the issue, in the interest of all concerned, both of you should face the issue with all the seriousness it deserves to avoid more regrets later in life.
Good luck.
Reading through your column in the ‘Daily Independent’ Newspapers, I must confess you are really doing a good job.
I am 30 years old and have been in a relationship with a lady, though two years younger for the past ten years, until late last year when she walked up to me to inform me of her love for another man.
I was devastated by her announcement because l loved her so deeply. Amid tears she told me her parents don’t approve of our marriage plans because we are from different parts of the country. She is from the South East while I am from the South West.
Right now, I have secured a good job and in a fresh relationship with a new lady. She stood by me during those bad moments. I am really trying to love her the way she deserves to be loved but each time my ex calls me, my heart beats. I am quite disturbed. Please advise me.
SL.
Dear SL,
Her voice still has the power to bring about this feeling in you because you haven’t been able to stop loving her. Ten years is like a lifetime. For these years, she was the most important woman in your life. She held your heart and life in her hands.
And if those ten years were spent investing on growing and patenting your relationship to suit your uniqueness as a couple, of becoming the most important persons in each other’s lives, of being best of friends, it would take a while for you to be able to get over the disappointment of her leaving you.
It would be most difficult for you in particular because you didn’t envisage losing her to another man or packing up the relationship. And coming without warning or internal problems between the two of you makes the suddenness of it all more than you can cope with now.
No matter how much you try, it would take time for you to completely rid your memory of thoughts of her. Don’t try to force it, allow it die prematurely.
It might even take a lifetime especially if your relationship was of the premium kind, the type that grows better with each passing day.
This thing is to appeal for support and understanding from your new woman; understanding not to be jealous of yesterday’s memories as well as support, to overcome to a reasonable extent, the intensity of your feelings for her.
You must also make the effort too not to get into the dangerous habit of comparing her person or character with your former girlfriend. Learn to love her for who she is; give her the time and opportunity to make you happy and to carve her own niche in your life. This is important if you hope to spend the rest of your life together.
For now until you are able to control your feelings for her, avoid taking her calls. But let her know why you won’t be doing so for a while. If she truly loves you and wants you to be happy, she would respect your decision to stay away from her for a while.
Good luck.
She left after 10-year dating but…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Reading through your column in the ‘Daily Independent’ Newspapers, I must confess you are really doing a good job.
I am 30 years old and have been in a relationship with a lady, though two years younger for the past ten years, until late last year when she walked up to me to inform me of her love for another man.
I was devastated by her announcement because l loved her so deeply. Amid tears she told me her parents don’t approve of our marriage plans because we are from different parts of the country. She is from the South East while I am from the South West.
Right now, I have secured a good job and in a fresh relationship with a new lady. She stood by me during those bad moments. I am really trying to love her the way she deserves to be loved but each time my ex calls me, my heart beats. I am quite disturbed. Please advise me.
SL.
Dear SL,
Her voice still has the power to bring about this feeling in you because you haven’t been able to stop loving her. Ten years is like a lifetime. For these years, she was the most important woman in your life. She held your heart and life in her hands.
And if those ten years were spent investing on growing and patenting your relationship to suit your uniqueness as a couple, of becoming the most important persons in each other’s lives, of being best of friends, it would take a while for you to be able to get over the disappointment of her leaving you.
It would be most difficult for you in particular because you didn’t envisage losing her to another man or packing up the relationship. And coming without warning or internal problems between the two of you makes the suddenness of it all more than you can cope with now.
No matter how much you try, it would take time for you to completely rid your memory of thoughts of her. Don’t try to force it, allow it die prematurely.
It might even take a lifetime especially if your relationship was of the premium kind, the type that grows better with each passing day.
This thing is to appeal for support and understanding from your new woman; understanding not to be jealous of yesterday’s memories as well as support, to overcome to a reasonable extent, the intensity of your feelings for her.
You must also make the effort too not to get into the dangerous habit of comparing her person or character with your former girlfriend. Learn to love her for who she is; give her the time and opportunity to make you happy and to carve her own niche in your life. This is important if you hope to spend the rest of your life together.
For now until you are able to control your feelings for her, avoid taking her calls. But let her know why you won’t be doing so for a while. If she truly loves you and wants you to be happy, she would respect your decision to stay away from her for a while.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Reading through your column in the ‘Daily Independent’ Newspapers, I must confess you are really doing a good job.
I am 30 years old and have been in a relationship with a lady, though two years younger for the past ten years, until late last year when she walked up to me to inform me of her love for another man.
I was devastated by her announcement because l loved her so deeply. Amid tears she told me her parents don’t approve of our marriage plans because we are from different parts of the country. She is from the South East while I am from the South West.
Right now, I have secured a good job and in a fresh relationship with a new lady. She stood by me during those bad moments. I am really trying to love her the way she deserves to be loved but each time my ex calls me, my heart beats. I am quite disturbed. Please advise me.
SL.
Dear SL,
Her voice still has the power to bring about this feeling in you because you haven’t been able to stop loving her. Ten years is like a lifetime. For these years, she was the most important woman in your life. She held your heart and life in her hands.
And if those ten years were spent investing on growing and patenting your relationship to suit your uniqueness as a couple, of becoming the most important persons in each other’s lives, of being best of friends, it would take a while for you to be able to get over the disappointment of her leaving you.
It would be most difficult for you in particular because you didn’t envisage losing her to another man or packing up the relationship. And coming without warning or internal problems between the two of you makes the suddenness of it all more than you can cope with now.
No matter how much you try, it would take time for you to completely rid your memory of thoughts of her. Don’t try to force it, allow it die prematurely.
It might even take a lifetime especially if your relationship was of the premium kind, the type that grows better with each passing day.
This thing is to appeal for support and understanding from your new woman; understanding not to be jealous of yesterday’s memories as well as support, to overcome to a reasonable extent, the intensity of your feelings for her.
You must also make the effort too not to get into the dangerous habit of comparing her person or character with your former girlfriend. Learn to love her for who she is; give her the time and opportunity to make you happy and to carve her own niche in your life. This is important if you hope to spend the rest of your life together.
For now until you are able to control your feelings for her, avoid taking her calls. But let her know why you won’t be doing so for a while. If she truly loves you and wants you to be happy, she would respect your decision to stay away from her for a while.
Good luck.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Lovemaking looks like torture to her…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I don’t enjoy having sex with my wife of two years. Since getting married to her, it is been challenging. I have done all I know to help her improve on her performance but nothing is working.
Although she wasn’t a virgin when I met her, from her disposition and attitude that first time, I thought she was.
When I asked her what her problem with lovemaking is, she initially didn’t open up but just started to cry. I was alarmed and knew something was very wrong somewhere in her past.
She eventually told me how her stepfather repeatedly raped her for two years until she ran away from home to stay with her grandmother.
Only her paternal grandmother knows about this episode. She gave her all the protection she needed so didn’t have to go back to her mother and husband.
But that was all she could provide. My wife went through school afraid of men generally. I was very persistent and since her single status was becoming a huge concern to the grandmother, she had no choice but to accept my offer of marriage.
She is one of the nicest women I have ever met. She is very respectful and supportive of me. I really love her so much but I don’t know for how long I can put up with her attitude towards sex. She cries each time we make love. Sincerely, I can’t call our intimacy a lovemaking experience; it appears more of a rape to me. From the expression on her face and her body language, there is no denying the fact that she only endures it all. Deep down I think she sees me as her stepfather who happens to be the only man who has had access into her body until she met me.
I really don’t how to make her come out of it. I feel dirty and like a monster forcing her to do what she doesn’t want to do.
This is one issue, I cannot discuss with my friends or family members because I don’t want anyone mocking her. It is too sensitive to our marriage. You know how cruel people can be. The knowledge that people know about it would crush her completely; I don’t want her hurt than she already is.
Being a woman and mother blessed with usual wisdom, I want you to help us get out of this problem.
Jonny.
Dear Jonny,
In addition to whatever I tell you, there is the need for her to see a psychologist. The wound is deeper than you can handle. All the memories of her abuses by her stepfather are deeply etched in her mind’s eyes.
It would take care and extra understanding by you to help her forget it all. You are doing it all wrong. What she needs first isn’t you teaching her how to make love, but how to come out of her shell. She needs you to help her achieve a better understanding of all the veriables life offers her. She needs you to make the sacrifices to make her happy again.
It couldn’t have been a pleasant experience for her to be constantly raped by a man who should be her father as well as protect her from what he was doing to her.
She must love you to allow you near her. Other women in her shoes ended up not being able to trust any man again and elected to become lesbians.
She needs expert help to come to terms with what happened to her; tell her it wasn’t her fault and how much damage she is doing to herself by remaining in the shadows of what this man did to her.
She has to be told too that refusing to move beyond the point at which she ran away from him is like giving the man all the powers in the world to continue to hurt her forever.
For now, you may have to stop having sex with her since she is still very bothered about her past. Sex can’t be what it should be for her. She has to see a difference between you, your need of her, and her stepfather’s interest in her body.
She has to learn to trust you because that is the only way she can give you her body and soul. What you have now is just her body. Her attitude speaks volume of her mindset about any form of intimacy between her and any man.
By abstaining from being initmate with her, you are exposing her to the other kind of desire a man has for a woman. Granted she is your wife but you need to woo her properly, take her to places, show her how wonderful life can be between a man and woman.
Show her that while the ultimate end of any relationship between a man and woman is lovemaking that it is also possible for a man who cares about a woman to go the extra miles for her. I am sure you didn’t envisage this kind of challenge while you were dating so may not have given the courtship detailed attention as you should have. Had you done that, you may have succeeded in unknowingly dousing some of her fears about men and closeness to them.
Beyond her fears about sex, you also have to get to meet her real person, not the frightened woman who is your wife. Between the time she was repeatedly being raped by her stepfather and becoming your wife, she lost a lot of her original person. You have to help her find and make reconnection with that person all over again.
Before she was raped, she had dreams and plans of how she would achieve them. She must have dreamt of getting married one day and having children. All those things she planned to do became infected by the demonic desires of a man for sex.
So many things must have been going on in her mind at those moments. Top on the agenda would be hatred for all those who should have protected her.
First is against the father who through death or divorce isn’t where he is supposed to be to protect her. She would equally blame the mother for marrying a man who is a monster. Deep in her heart, she feels betrayed by everybody. In a twisted way too, you happen to also fall into the category of those to be blamed on her list.
Every night or day you demand sex from her, you are taking her back to a time she wants to desperately forget. Your blame is not allowing her to forget the experience completely.
If you can afford it, take her away from familiar environment, to a place she has never been too. The experience would relax her to talk about her carefree childhood days, before the stepfather came into her life.
The essence is to give her something pleasant to remember, bring back the smile of her younger days, help her to remember how to smile, hope and be happy. It is also to make her your friend. Once she is able to bring herself to talk about her past, she is on her way to recovery as images of her happy moments would begin to filter into her mind from time to time.
She is becoming rigid and frigid because she has completely blocked out everything that reminds her of her former life.
Your duty as her husband is to make the sacrifices of clearing away all the dirts of these unpleasant memories. Show her unconditional love and encouragement. By being nice and extra gentle with her, she would eventually come to see and desire you as a man. This is because you are through your actions building new and promising memory bank for her, giving her somehting to look forward to and a dream to nurture.
We all need to cradle a dream at every point in our lives else we become zombies that function on the order of others around us.
No matter how terrible her former experience is she would eventually begin to feel a desire for the man that you are once you expose her to how caring a man can be.
Once she is able to cross over, it would be easier for you to enjoy intimacy with her, help her learn how it is like for a man and woman who are in love to achieve oneness in marriage or lovemaking. You have to teach her there is a difference between crude, raw sex, and true lovemaking.
Also, learn to pray for her because only God can completely erase such terrible memories from her mind. One man took away her dream, be the man who gives it back to her through your determined effort to make this marriage work at all cost.
All her life, no one outside her grandmother has made any sacrifice for her. She needs you to do it for her and urgently too before you also get frustrated and unable to move beyond the point you are in now.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I don’t enjoy having sex with my wife of two years. Since getting married to her, it is been challenging. I have done all I know to help her improve on her performance but nothing is working.
Although she wasn’t a virgin when I met her, from her disposition and attitude that first time, I thought she was.
When I asked her what her problem with lovemaking is, she initially didn’t open up but just started to cry. I was alarmed and knew something was very wrong somewhere in her past.
She eventually told me how her stepfather repeatedly raped her for two years until she ran away from home to stay with her grandmother.
Only her paternal grandmother knows about this episode. She gave her all the protection she needed so didn’t have to go back to her mother and husband.
But that was all she could provide. My wife went through school afraid of men generally. I was very persistent and since her single status was becoming a huge concern to the grandmother, she had no choice but to accept my offer of marriage.
She is one of the nicest women I have ever met. She is very respectful and supportive of me. I really love her so much but I don’t know for how long I can put up with her attitude towards sex. She cries each time we make love. Sincerely, I can’t call our intimacy a lovemaking experience; it appears more of a rape to me. From the expression on her face and her body language, there is no denying the fact that she only endures it all. Deep down I think she sees me as her stepfather who happens to be the only man who has had access into her body until she met me.
I really don’t how to make her come out of it. I feel dirty and like a monster forcing her to do what she doesn’t want to do.
This is one issue, I cannot discuss with my friends or family members because I don’t want anyone mocking her. It is too sensitive to our marriage. You know how cruel people can be. The knowledge that people know about it would crush her completely; I don’t want her hurt than she already is.
Being a woman and mother blessed with usual wisdom, I want you to help us get out of this problem.
Jonny.
Dear Jonny,
In addition to whatever I tell you, there is the need for her to see a psychologist. The wound is deeper than you can handle. All the memories of her abuses by her stepfather are deeply etched in her mind’s eyes.
It would take care and extra understanding by you to help her forget it all. You are doing it all wrong. What she needs first isn’t you teaching her how to make love, but how to come out of her shell. She needs you to help her achieve a better understanding of all the veriables life offers her. She needs you to make the sacrifices to make her happy again.
It couldn’t have been a pleasant experience for her to be constantly raped by a man who should be her father as well as protect her from what he was doing to her.
She must love you to allow you near her. Other women in her shoes ended up not being able to trust any man again and elected to become lesbians.
She needs expert help to come to terms with what happened to her; tell her it wasn’t her fault and how much damage she is doing to herself by remaining in the shadows of what this man did to her.
She has to be told too that refusing to move beyond the point at which she ran away from him is like giving the man all the powers in the world to continue to hurt her forever.
For now, you may have to stop having sex with her since she is still very bothered about her past. Sex can’t be what it should be for her. She has to see a difference between you, your need of her, and her stepfather’s interest in her body.
She has to learn to trust you because that is the only way she can give you her body and soul. What you have now is just her body. Her attitude speaks volume of her mindset about any form of intimacy between her and any man.
By abstaining from being initmate with her, you are exposing her to the other kind of desire a man has for a woman. Granted she is your wife but you need to woo her properly, take her to places, show her how wonderful life can be between a man and woman.
Show her that while the ultimate end of any relationship between a man and woman is lovemaking that it is also possible for a man who cares about a woman to go the extra miles for her. I am sure you didn’t envisage this kind of challenge while you were dating so may not have given the courtship detailed attention as you should have. Had you done that, you may have succeeded in unknowingly dousing some of her fears about men and closeness to them.
Beyond her fears about sex, you also have to get to meet her real person, not the frightened woman who is your wife. Between the time she was repeatedly being raped by her stepfather and becoming your wife, she lost a lot of her original person. You have to help her find and make reconnection with that person all over again.
Before she was raped, she had dreams and plans of how she would achieve them. She must have dreamt of getting married one day and having children. All those things she planned to do became infected by the demonic desires of a man for sex.
So many things must have been going on in her mind at those moments. Top on the agenda would be hatred for all those who should have protected her.
First is against the father who through death or divorce isn’t where he is supposed to be to protect her. She would equally blame the mother for marrying a man who is a monster. Deep in her heart, she feels betrayed by everybody. In a twisted way too, you happen to also fall into the category of those to be blamed on her list.
Every night or day you demand sex from her, you are taking her back to a time she wants to desperately forget. Your blame is not allowing her to forget the experience completely.
If you can afford it, take her away from familiar environment, to a place she has never been too. The experience would relax her to talk about her carefree childhood days, before the stepfather came into her life.
The essence is to give her something pleasant to remember, bring back the smile of her younger days, help her to remember how to smile, hope and be happy. It is also to make her your friend. Once she is able to bring herself to talk about her past, she is on her way to recovery as images of her happy moments would begin to filter into her mind from time to time.
She is becoming rigid and frigid because she has completely blocked out everything that reminds her of her former life.
Your duty as her husband is to make the sacrifices of clearing away all the dirts of these unpleasant memories. Show her unconditional love and encouragement. By being nice and extra gentle with her, she would eventually come to see and desire you as a man. This is because you are through your actions building new and promising memory bank for her, giving her somehting to look forward to and a dream to nurture.
We all need to cradle a dream at every point in our lives else we become zombies that function on the order of others around us.
No matter how terrible her former experience is she would eventually begin to feel a desire for the man that you are once you expose her to how caring a man can be.
Once she is able to cross over, it would be easier for you to enjoy intimacy with her, help her learn how it is like for a man and woman who are in love to achieve oneness in marriage or lovemaking. You have to teach her there is a difference between crude, raw sex, and true lovemaking.
Also, learn to pray for her because only God can completely erase such terrible memories from her mind. One man took away her dream, be the man who gives it back to her through your determined effort to make this marriage work at all cost.
All her life, no one outside her grandmother has made any sacrifice for her. She needs you to do it for her and urgently too before you also get frustrated and unable to move beyond the point you are in now.
Good luck.
Her love seems waning…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
You are indeed a rare gem when it comes to tackling of affairs and relationships. My sincere prayer is for your hands to continue to be lifted higher.
I am 26 years old while my girlfriend is 21. I met her while in a serious relationship with another man. We actually started as causal friends until my feelings for her changed to something deeper. I fell completely in love with her even though I was still with the old one.
After a while my old girlfriend, became involved with another man. I didn’t know but when I got to know, I used it as an excuse to quit the relationship to enable me concentrate on my new relationship.
We are so much into each other that I am already planning a future together with her. But of recent I discovered some changes in her nature. Apart from not sending text messages as before, she also doesn’t call me as often as before.
In addition she seems very uncomfortable these days in my company.
When it was becoming too obvious, I had to confront her about the changes I noticed in her attitude towards me. She told me nothing was the matter but I am very worried even as my friends think she is only trying to test me to know my kind of person. Where I stand with her since I don’t want to lose her?
TO.
Agatha, I want to know
Dear TO,
There are several ways to deal with an issue. Sometimes solutions are not resolved through dialogue alone; at times it helps to go beyond talking to demonstrating one’s desires and thoughts.
There is no contesting the fact that your relationship needs more flesh and squeeze to make it work reasonably well.
Her reaction may be induced by fear of the speed at which you are going. At 26 and 21, marriage shouldn’t be the first thing on your lists of priority.
Certain things must be in place before you begin to get serious in that direction. It is good to have a dream, but what is important is the kind of nurture and plan that goes into conceptualising that dream. Beyond the passion you feel for this lady, what kinds of preparation have you put in place?
As a man, what if she gets pregnant along the line, are you capable of playing your role as father and husband in your present position? One thing is to love, desire and dream, but another thing is for one to have the ability to make the dream soar.
Your desire to be her husband can only be achieved, if you exercise the patience to plan well. What you should do is to sit her down to hear her plans for herself and to share yours with her. Between sharing yours with her and she telling you what hers are you will be able to talk about the future without pretenses.
From this conversation, you will be able to have a preview into her kind of persons and dreams. It would give you a clear idea if you are the kind of man she needs in her life to make it happen for her. You may love her but if you don’t have the ability to help her achieve what she wants from life, it may not work at the end of the day.
You have to give her reasons to stay. Check yourself; put yourself in her shoes? If you were a woman, would you take yourself serious?
She could be the kind of woman who is looking for substance in her man, and not one who dwells only in flowery love prose.
Find out first who she really is to enable you know how to respond to her person. Don’t expect her to act like your ex.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
You are indeed a rare gem when it comes to tackling of affairs and relationships. My sincere prayer is for your hands to continue to be lifted higher.
I am 26 years old while my girlfriend is 21. I met her while in a serious relationship with another man. We actually started as causal friends until my feelings for her changed to something deeper. I fell completely in love with her even though I was still with the old one.
After a while my old girlfriend, became involved with another man. I didn’t know but when I got to know, I used it as an excuse to quit the relationship to enable me concentrate on my new relationship.
We are so much into each other that I am already planning a future together with her. But of recent I discovered some changes in her nature. Apart from not sending text messages as before, she also doesn’t call me as often as before.
In addition she seems very uncomfortable these days in my company.
When it was becoming too obvious, I had to confront her about the changes I noticed in her attitude towards me. She told me nothing was the matter but I am very worried even as my friends think she is only trying to test me to know my kind of person. Where I stand with her since I don’t want to lose her?
TO.
Agatha, I want to know
Dear TO,
There are several ways to deal with an issue. Sometimes solutions are not resolved through dialogue alone; at times it helps to go beyond talking to demonstrating one’s desires and thoughts.
There is no contesting the fact that your relationship needs more flesh and squeeze to make it work reasonably well.
Her reaction may be induced by fear of the speed at which you are going. At 26 and 21, marriage shouldn’t be the first thing on your lists of priority.
Certain things must be in place before you begin to get serious in that direction. It is good to have a dream, but what is important is the kind of nurture and plan that goes into conceptualising that dream. Beyond the passion you feel for this lady, what kinds of preparation have you put in place?
As a man, what if she gets pregnant along the line, are you capable of playing your role as father and husband in your present position? One thing is to love, desire and dream, but another thing is for one to have the ability to make the dream soar.
Your desire to be her husband can only be achieved, if you exercise the patience to plan well. What you should do is to sit her down to hear her plans for herself and to share yours with her. Between sharing yours with her and she telling you what hers are you will be able to talk about the future without pretenses.
From this conversation, you will be able to have a preview into her kind of persons and dreams. It would give you a clear idea if you are the kind of man she needs in her life to make it happen for her. You may love her but if you don’t have the ability to help her achieve what she wants from life, it may not work at the end of the day.
You have to give her reasons to stay. Check yourself; put yourself in her shoes? If you were a woman, would you take yourself serious?
She could be the kind of woman who is looking for substance in her man, and not one who dwells only in flowery love prose.
Find out first who she really is to enable you know how to respond to her person. Don’t expect her to act like your ex.
Good luck.
She’s too cunning to be taken real…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a man of 28 years of age dating a lady, 23. We started dating about four months ago and I love this girl very much because she has all the qualities I want in a woman.
But my problem is I don’t know her at all. There was a time I called her on phone and heard a guy’s voice. When I asked for the identity of the man, she told me he was her brother who came for a visit.
I asked that the phone be given to him so I could speak with him. I asked him about his studies as well as his department. I discovered he was also in the same department as my girlfriend.
During the course of our conversation, he said my girlfriend had told him so much about me. I was confused because all along, my girlfriend gave me the impression that her brother was working.
Agatha, do you think this girl loves me? Could that boy be her school boyfriend? Could she be using me?
I am confused. Please help me.
Confused Boyfriend.
Dear Confused Boyfriend,
Both of you are just starting out; hence need time to know each other. Commitment isn’t something that happens in a day. It takes a lot of time and devotion to make it come out in the right texture.
Nothing would work between the two of you if you begin to question or suspect every move she makes or her motive.
Both of you are coming from different backgrounds as well as lives. Before you, she had a life just as you had one too. She may not have totally disengaged from a relationship she was in before you came along. The average girl these days likes to slowly, dip one foot into the river before making up her mind on whether to put in the second foot.
It is a kind of security because just as men are afraid of being disappointed, women too are scared of having their hearts broken. It is a matter of trust for a couple to make a relationship work well.
What you should do is to pretend you haven’t noticed anything. It takes a lot of sacrifices to achieve a good relationship. In every relationship, one person must be gentle and deeper in wisdom than the other person.
As one aspiring to be the head of a home, you have to learn to cope with the nature of a woman. You have only just met four months ago. It would take more than this time for you to know who she is. There is a huge difference between who and what we all are. Unless she has only one brother, this one could be another brother of hers in school. Besides, he could be a close cousin.
You will look stupid if after reacting negatively, the man turns out to be who she says he is. This is why you have to make the sacrifice of lack of complaint. Learn it as a virtue if you want to live with a woman successfully.
Like a house, a relationship must have a very solid foundation to be able to carry the weight of the building that would stand on it.
If both architect and structural engineer don’t work hand in hand to ensure that the right materials are used in the right places, such a building may collaspe eventually or develops severe problems later in life.
The same thing goes for a relationship. You and your girlfriend must come to the drawing board with dummy visual of the kind of relationship you want to have. Both of you must agree to something that would work for both of you.
To do it right and get the kind of commitment needed to drive it to complete fulfilment, you have to go the extra mile.
Don’t also forget at 23, she may not be as ready as you are. At her age, a lot of men would definitely be around her, seeking her attention. This is the time a man waits with the patience of the dove.
To get it right with her and earn her trust, be a good friend, don’t frighten her too much with too many questions for now. Like a child feeling its way through slippery terrains, be cautious until you have the confidence of her character to insist on certain things.
She may really be in love with you for now but if she discovers you are too suspicious, she may, out of fear, retreat. It can really hurt when one isn’t guilty of an offence he or she is being accused of.
I am sure you also have one or two female friends or relations in your life that will never leave your life. This boy could just be that kind of friend whose real identity she is afraid to devulge to you for fear of what you would say. If she weren’t used to sharing her thoughts or life with anyone, it would take a while for her to begin to. A lot would depend on the kind of friendship you are offering her.
Don’t forget that we are only ambassadors of the different enviroments we grew up. Just like you are a product of your background, she is also a reflection of all the different people and friends she has come in contact with.
It is too early to think she is out to deceive you. Get to know her better to avoid you coming to the wrong conclusions. A little dose of patience will answer all your questions clearly.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a man of 28 years of age dating a lady, 23. We started dating about four months ago and I love this girl very much because she has all the qualities I want in a woman.
But my problem is I don’t know her at all. There was a time I called her on phone and heard a guy’s voice. When I asked for the identity of the man, she told me he was her brother who came for a visit.
I asked that the phone be given to him so I could speak with him. I asked him about his studies as well as his department. I discovered he was also in the same department as my girlfriend.
During the course of our conversation, he said my girlfriend had told him so much about me. I was confused because all along, my girlfriend gave me the impression that her brother was working.
Agatha, do you think this girl loves me? Could that boy be her school boyfriend? Could she be using me?
I am confused. Please help me.
Confused Boyfriend.
Dear Confused Boyfriend,
Both of you are just starting out; hence need time to know each other. Commitment isn’t something that happens in a day. It takes a lot of time and devotion to make it come out in the right texture.
Nothing would work between the two of you if you begin to question or suspect every move she makes or her motive.
Both of you are coming from different backgrounds as well as lives. Before you, she had a life just as you had one too. She may not have totally disengaged from a relationship she was in before you came along. The average girl these days likes to slowly, dip one foot into the river before making up her mind on whether to put in the second foot.
It is a kind of security because just as men are afraid of being disappointed, women too are scared of having their hearts broken. It is a matter of trust for a couple to make a relationship work well.
What you should do is to pretend you haven’t noticed anything. It takes a lot of sacrifices to achieve a good relationship. In every relationship, one person must be gentle and deeper in wisdom than the other person.
As one aspiring to be the head of a home, you have to learn to cope with the nature of a woman. You have only just met four months ago. It would take more than this time for you to know who she is. There is a huge difference between who and what we all are. Unless she has only one brother, this one could be another brother of hers in school. Besides, he could be a close cousin.
You will look stupid if after reacting negatively, the man turns out to be who she says he is. This is why you have to make the sacrifice of lack of complaint. Learn it as a virtue if you want to live with a woman successfully.
Like a house, a relationship must have a very solid foundation to be able to carry the weight of the building that would stand on it.
If both architect and structural engineer don’t work hand in hand to ensure that the right materials are used in the right places, such a building may collaspe eventually or develops severe problems later in life.
The same thing goes for a relationship. You and your girlfriend must come to the drawing board with dummy visual of the kind of relationship you want to have. Both of you must agree to something that would work for both of you.
To do it right and get the kind of commitment needed to drive it to complete fulfilment, you have to go the extra mile.
Don’t also forget at 23, she may not be as ready as you are. At her age, a lot of men would definitely be around her, seeking her attention. This is the time a man waits with the patience of the dove.
To get it right with her and earn her trust, be a good friend, don’t frighten her too much with too many questions for now. Like a child feeling its way through slippery terrains, be cautious until you have the confidence of her character to insist on certain things.
She may really be in love with you for now but if she discovers you are too suspicious, she may, out of fear, retreat. It can really hurt when one isn’t guilty of an offence he or she is being accused of.
I am sure you also have one or two female friends or relations in your life that will never leave your life. This boy could just be that kind of friend whose real identity she is afraid to devulge to you for fear of what you would say. If she weren’t used to sharing her thoughts or life with anyone, it would take a while for her to begin to. A lot would depend on the kind of friendship you are offering her.
Don’t forget that we are only ambassadors of the different enviroments we grew up. Just like you are a product of your background, she is also a reflection of all the different people and friends she has come in contact with.
It is too early to think she is out to deceive you. Get to know her better to avoid you coming to the wrong conclusions. A little dose of patience will answer all your questions clearly.
Good luck.
I fought my husband’s mistress
Agatha Edo, Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I recently discovered through my husband’s text messages that he is having an affair. When I tried to find out from him who the lady is, he denied having any other woman in his life and asked to know who has been feeding me with the damaging information which in his opinion could break my home.
At first, I didn’t tell him how I found out but later told him, I went through his text messages. He didn’t say anything beyond warning me never to go through his phones since he doesn’t bother with mine.
I was so angry at his reaction that I called the other woman, whose number I had transferred to my phone, to stay away from my husband. There was no name I didn’t call her and even warned her that if she didn’t stay away from him, I would deal with her in a way she would never forget.
She must have told my husband about my call because he came back home very angry. He again warned me to allow things be; that I shouldn’t push my luck.
I didn’t listen; I had to fight for my husband and home so I made more investigations and found out where she lives and works. To my pains, I discovered that she isn’t just his girlfriend but has a set of twins for my husband.
We have been married for six years and have done everything to get pregnant but I haven’t been able to. I was so enraged that I fought her right in the presence of her children. I broke her head with a bottle I found in her sitting room. But for the intervention of my husband, I would have been arrested and locked up by the police. The woman too pleaded with her neighbours to allow me be.
It was after this incident, I found out that the woman is actually his ex- girlfriend who lost her husband early this year and, that her children actually belonged to her late husband. Though she is interested in coming back to my husband, he isn’t. I felt like a fool when I found out the truth from her.
Now my husband is throwing me out of the house without even giving me a chance to beg for forgiveness. He says it would be better off for him to go with this woman after all.
I want your help to resolve this problem because I really want and love my husband. I did all those things because I didn’t want another woman in his life. None of his family members want to intervene on my behalf because in their opinion I am too violent and rude.
Please help me.
Omose
Dear Omose,
There is only one person capable of making your husband change his mind, the woman you went to fight in her house.
She is the only one your husband would listen to in this matter. You may find it humiliating going to the woman you thought was your rival but if you want to keep your home, this isn’t the time for you to be ashamed or bothered about what her reactions would be if you go to her for help.
Desperate situation needs desperate solution. Your husband’s reaction has to do with your conduct and the extent you went with the woman. What if she had died on that day? What would be your story or his for that matter? What would both of you be saying to the police?
He is afraid you would do something more drastic if you find out about another woman he is close to. You are getting away with it this time because of the nature of the woman involved as well as her disposition towards life. Next time you may not be that lucky. Another woman, determined to make a case with you, would insist on police involvement. By now you would have been charged with attempted murder; worrying about securing your freedom and not whether your husband is getting married to another woman or not.
Only free women worry about their marriages. Another woman would have insisted on involving the law to give her the freedom of moving in with your husband. Her refusal to make it a police case underscores her maturity and respect for the person of your husband.
Respect is obviously one thing you do not have for your husband. A woman who lacks respect for her husband stays long in his house. Even if he is having an affair, there are better ways of getting him to go off the woman. Fighting your husband’s mistress isn’t a solution to making him come back to you.
A wise woman finds out the reason her husband is having the affair. Even if you take time out to investigate the woman, it is to learn one or two things from her; the reason your husband is interested in her. It could be her appearance, conduct or the values she places on your husband.
Knowing what her strong points are is to help you know what technique to use at home in ensuring your husband has less time to spend with her. Every man desires a humble and respectful wife. They also desire a woman who is neat and conscious of what her responsibilities are.
By fighting her, you not only exposed your shortcomings to the world but also empowered all those who wonder what your husband saw in you in the first place. The refusal of your in-laws to plead on your behalf speaks volume about your person. It is certainly not complimentary for you that nobody is willing to come out within the family to plead your case. You must have overdone things severally.
Respect is fundamental. After going to the woman to help you get your man back, sit back and really talk to yourself. From this whole episode, you now know what and where your shortcomings are. It would do you a world of good, if you allow this experience to teach you how to relate with people around you.
Until recently, your husband, despite not having a child for him, didn’t think of sending you out of his house nor did he betray the pressures he must have been having from members of his family to send you away. Their reaction to what is happening now underscores the kind of things and thoughts they have about you.
Therefore he needs more than apologies from you to make him come back. He needs assurances too that he would have peace in his home as well as the respect deserving of his position as the head of his home. Chances are if you two are close, he would have made mention of this lady in his conversation with you. He may not tell you everything but would mention the death of her husband.
You have to find ways of being close to him. Although, you didn’t mention anything about what your relationship has been like, it is clear that you two are familiar strangers living together. The presence of children isn’t the only reason couples stay close. The function of marriage is first and foremost for companionship. Without it, life can be very grey and cold. And what brings about quality companionship? Peace. If the whole time you are nagging, arguing and having serious fallouts in your union, chances of both of you having a reasonable discussion as a couple becomes slim by the day.
This is what you must strive to bring into your marriage. Some babies won’t come if there is no harmony in a home. You must look for ways to communicate your desire to give your husband peace in his life. While he can cope with your nature inside the confines of his home, he clearly cannot condone with your exposing the challenges of his home to the world. By your action, you have disrobed him, causing people to mock him as being a weakling.
Before it all got this bad, there is something he saw in you. Can you remember that thing that attracted him to you; and has continued to influence his decision to stay with you? Find it and bring it back to your marriage with the help of God.
It may not be so easy to make him forgive or forget but if you are determined and truly love him, learn to be patient since the lack of it is what makes us irrational. If you had been patient, you wouldn’t have gone through his messages and even if you did, would have grown the endurance to handle it with wisdom.
By now, you should realise that most men are polygamists by nature and only a foolish woman allows her husband’s extra- marital affairs get under her skin.
Iron out your differences with your husband and stop looking for that thing you didn’t misplace.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I recently discovered through my husband’s text messages that he is having an affair. When I tried to find out from him who the lady is, he denied having any other woman in his life and asked to know who has been feeding me with the damaging information which in his opinion could break my home.
At first, I didn’t tell him how I found out but later told him, I went through his text messages. He didn’t say anything beyond warning me never to go through his phones since he doesn’t bother with mine.
I was so angry at his reaction that I called the other woman, whose number I had transferred to my phone, to stay away from my husband. There was no name I didn’t call her and even warned her that if she didn’t stay away from him, I would deal with her in a way she would never forget.
She must have told my husband about my call because he came back home very angry. He again warned me to allow things be; that I shouldn’t push my luck.
I didn’t listen; I had to fight for my husband and home so I made more investigations and found out where she lives and works. To my pains, I discovered that she isn’t just his girlfriend but has a set of twins for my husband.
We have been married for six years and have done everything to get pregnant but I haven’t been able to. I was so enraged that I fought her right in the presence of her children. I broke her head with a bottle I found in her sitting room. But for the intervention of my husband, I would have been arrested and locked up by the police. The woman too pleaded with her neighbours to allow me be.
It was after this incident, I found out that the woman is actually his ex- girlfriend who lost her husband early this year and, that her children actually belonged to her late husband. Though she is interested in coming back to my husband, he isn’t. I felt like a fool when I found out the truth from her.
Now my husband is throwing me out of the house without even giving me a chance to beg for forgiveness. He says it would be better off for him to go with this woman after all.
I want your help to resolve this problem because I really want and love my husband. I did all those things because I didn’t want another woman in his life. None of his family members want to intervene on my behalf because in their opinion I am too violent and rude.
Please help me.
Omose
Dear Omose,
There is only one person capable of making your husband change his mind, the woman you went to fight in her house.
She is the only one your husband would listen to in this matter. You may find it humiliating going to the woman you thought was your rival but if you want to keep your home, this isn’t the time for you to be ashamed or bothered about what her reactions would be if you go to her for help.
Desperate situation needs desperate solution. Your husband’s reaction has to do with your conduct and the extent you went with the woman. What if she had died on that day? What would be your story or his for that matter? What would both of you be saying to the police?
He is afraid you would do something more drastic if you find out about another woman he is close to. You are getting away with it this time because of the nature of the woman involved as well as her disposition towards life. Next time you may not be that lucky. Another woman, determined to make a case with you, would insist on police involvement. By now you would have been charged with attempted murder; worrying about securing your freedom and not whether your husband is getting married to another woman or not.
Only free women worry about their marriages. Another woman would have insisted on involving the law to give her the freedom of moving in with your husband. Her refusal to make it a police case underscores her maturity and respect for the person of your husband.
Respect is obviously one thing you do not have for your husband. A woman who lacks respect for her husband stays long in his house. Even if he is having an affair, there are better ways of getting him to go off the woman. Fighting your husband’s mistress isn’t a solution to making him come back to you.
A wise woman finds out the reason her husband is having the affair. Even if you take time out to investigate the woman, it is to learn one or two things from her; the reason your husband is interested in her. It could be her appearance, conduct or the values she places on your husband.
Knowing what her strong points are is to help you know what technique to use at home in ensuring your husband has less time to spend with her. Every man desires a humble and respectful wife. They also desire a woman who is neat and conscious of what her responsibilities are.
By fighting her, you not only exposed your shortcomings to the world but also empowered all those who wonder what your husband saw in you in the first place. The refusal of your in-laws to plead on your behalf speaks volume about your person. It is certainly not complimentary for you that nobody is willing to come out within the family to plead your case. You must have overdone things severally.
Respect is fundamental. After going to the woman to help you get your man back, sit back and really talk to yourself. From this whole episode, you now know what and where your shortcomings are. It would do you a world of good, if you allow this experience to teach you how to relate with people around you.
Until recently, your husband, despite not having a child for him, didn’t think of sending you out of his house nor did he betray the pressures he must have been having from members of his family to send you away. Their reaction to what is happening now underscores the kind of things and thoughts they have about you.
Therefore he needs more than apologies from you to make him come back. He needs assurances too that he would have peace in his home as well as the respect deserving of his position as the head of his home. Chances are if you two are close, he would have made mention of this lady in his conversation with you. He may not tell you everything but would mention the death of her husband.
You have to find ways of being close to him. Although, you didn’t mention anything about what your relationship has been like, it is clear that you two are familiar strangers living together. The presence of children isn’t the only reason couples stay close. The function of marriage is first and foremost for companionship. Without it, life can be very grey and cold. And what brings about quality companionship? Peace. If the whole time you are nagging, arguing and having serious fallouts in your union, chances of both of you having a reasonable discussion as a couple becomes slim by the day.
This is what you must strive to bring into your marriage. Some babies won’t come if there is no harmony in a home. You must look for ways to communicate your desire to give your husband peace in his life. While he can cope with your nature inside the confines of his home, he clearly cannot condone with your exposing the challenges of his home to the world. By your action, you have disrobed him, causing people to mock him as being a weakling.
Before it all got this bad, there is something he saw in you. Can you remember that thing that attracted him to you; and has continued to influence his decision to stay with you? Find it and bring it back to your marriage with the help of God.
It may not be so easy to make him forgive or forget but if you are determined and truly love him, learn to be patient since the lack of it is what makes us irrational. If you had been patient, you wouldn’t have gone through his messages and even if you did, would have grown the endurance to handle it with wisdom.
By now, you should realise that most men are polygamists by nature and only a foolish woman allows her husband’s extra- marital affairs get under her skin.
Iron out your differences with your husband and stop looking for that thing you didn’t misplace.
Good luck.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Before lust for my boss ends my marriage…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am in love with my boss. I have done everything to fight my feelings for him but none of it is working. I know he is married, have met his wife severally as well as his children but these are not enough to make me fall out of love with him.
The irony of it all is that I am married too. But each time, when in the arms of my husband, I yearn for his. It is simply driving me crazy.
The issue now is that I recently cried out his name while my husband was making love with me. This is really causing crisis in my home as my husband is insisting I explain my relationship with him. Nothing I have said has convinced him that I am really not having an affair with my boss.
He is threatening to confront my boss and that would mean losing my job, which is very lucrative. I really don’t know what has come over me because despite the problems brewing in my home over it, my feelings for him haven’t changed.
I feel like sleeping with him irrespective of what happens after.
A friend I shared my problem with said I am suffering from a severe case of infatuation. The whole thing is making really crazy. My marriage is in trouble and all I can think of is my lust for a man who doesn’t see me as a woman?
The whole thing is getting out of hand and I urgently need your help before I lose my marriage of 10 years with two children as well as my job if the threats of my husband are anything to go by. Already, he has reported the matter to my mother who is even more confused than I am over the matter.
How can I get out of all these mess?
Confused Wife.
Dear Confused Wife,
Unless you take a firm grip on yourself, you risk losing everything over nothing. How can you explain calling out another man’s name while in the arms of your husband? In his shoes, how would you feel? Do you really expect him to believe your story that nothing is going on between you and this man? Everyone would think something intimate or special must have been going on between the two of you to call out his name in passion when you were intimate with your husband.
The sad thing about all these is the needless burden you would be bringing to this man and his family if your husband makes good his threat. How do you want him to explain to his family and the world that he is innocent of your obsession with him? If you were his wife, do you think you can bring yourself to trust him again or trust him enough to defend him? For you to call out a man’s name in passion takes a different kind of feeling.
It is therefore in the interest of everyone concerned that you take a firm grip of yourself. You are not a dreamy eyed teenager who sees life through rose tinted glasses. You are a mother, an adult that knows the implication of what this kind of passion can do. Don’t drag this man down for something he isn’t guilty of. There is nothing as painful as being made to suffer for an offence one is blameless of. If you can manage your spouse at the end of the day, would he be able to make his wife believe him that he knows nothing about your feelings for him?
If you truly have something deep for this man, for his sake, fight this feeling with your entire mind. Doubtless, we don’t determine our feelings towards people, but we can fight them if we want to. That is what adulthood and responsibility demand. At every point in life, we should be able to take responsibilities for our actions at every point. Once, we are unable to publicly account for our actions, it then becomes not just a burden to us but also to the people around us. This matter of your feelings has gone beyond you; it is now the concern of everyone around you.
It has become the burden and shame of your mother whose motherly skills and values are coming under scrutiny. If you get kicked out of your home on account of infidelity, irrespective of whether you did it or not, it would bounce back to her nurturing of you just as it would make people including your husband, question the paternity of your children.
When a woman’s reputation comes under doubts, she rubs it off on everyone close to her.
If you have been married for a decade, it means you are not a young woman oblivious of the gravity of not being able to discipline her emotions. What has this man got to offer you that you are not getting from your husband? For you to survive 10 years of marriage, a lot of efforts and sacrifices must have gone into it on either side. So why waste all those years for something that isn’t real, that exists only in your imagination?
However, your feelings underscore lack of satisfaction with something in your marriage. Can you identify that thing? It is time for you to think deep. Granted that a time comes in a marriage when it becomes so boring and one is tempted to look for excitements outside; it behooves couples in such instances to sit down and talk.
Rather than allow your imagination grow your feelings for this man, the ideal thing would have been for you to pause and ask yourself what is so special about your boss that is making you go weak at the knees.
Your feelings are not the wrong things, but the way you are handling it. Every attempt should have been made by you to import those feelings into your marriage and relationship with your husband.
Having lived with him for 10 years, your relationship should have gotten to a point of being able to handle everything. Although it would have been difficult to tell your husband what you are feeling for another man but not out of place to discuss your emotional confusion with him.
Being your husband, he would have been able to help you manage the situation by drawing closer to you.
Sincerely, it isn’t too late for you and your husband to mend fences. All you have to do is tell him the truth regards your feelings and thoughts concerning your boss.
You have no choice at this junction, but to admit what happened. It would enable both of you realise all the things that are wrong with your union. Without both of you really taking time out and confronting your challenges, your marriage won’t survive this problem. Whatever it is that you are not saying or afraid to admit to yourself, this is the time to say it, so that your life and marriage can move forward.
You have gotten to that point you cannot pretend everything is okay with you and your marriage anymore.
Telling him the truth would also encourage him to open up on issues he has also been pretending are normal. Once these issues are in the open, it would help your marriage a great deal, no matter how unpalatable they may appear in the beginning.
Besides talking, there is also the need to stay very close to God. Although many dismiss references to the spiritual in certain matters as baseless, but the truth is that there is no ignoring the possibility that what you are going through has some spiritual links.
On your own pray and ask God for help in confronting and defeating it. Even if you and your husband are able to resolve this, if it was spiritually programmed to destroy your home, no amount of dialogue will help. Only a close relationship with God can defeat this power of lust.
You may also have to consider leaving your job for something else. Your husband may insist on it as a precondition for resolving this crisis. Don’t fight him over it. Besides, if you continue to work in that office, you will never be able to completely overcome your feelings for this man.
No amount of money you make from that office is worth the happiness of your home and children. There is more to life than money. If leaving the job and vicinity of your boss would preserve the respect your children have for you as a mother and earn you peace in your marriage, please do it.
The action would go a long way in convincing your husband of your innocence. It is one sacrifice that won’t be too much for you as a mother and wife to make for the stability of your home. It is called removing yourself from temptation’s way.
Just continue to always ask God for help.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am in love with my boss. I have done everything to fight my feelings for him but none of it is working. I know he is married, have met his wife severally as well as his children but these are not enough to make me fall out of love with him.
The irony of it all is that I am married too. But each time, when in the arms of my husband, I yearn for his. It is simply driving me crazy.
The issue now is that I recently cried out his name while my husband was making love with me. This is really causing crisis in my home as my husband is insisting I explain my relationship with him. Nothing I have said has convinced him that I am really not having an affair with my boss.
He is threatening to confront my boss and that would mean losing my job, which is very lucrative. I really don’t know what has come over me because despite the problems brewing in my home over it, my feelings for him haven’t changed.
I feel like sleeping with him irrespective of what happens after.
A friend I shared my problem with said I am suffering from a severe case of infatuation. The whole thing is making really crazy. My marriage is in trouble and all I can think of is my lust for a man who doesn’t see me as a woman?
The whole thing is getting out of hand and I urgently need your help before I lose my marriage of 10 years with two children as well as my job if the threats of my husband are anything to go by. Already, he has reported the matter to my mother who is even more confused than I am over the matter.
How can I get out of all these mess?
Confused Wife.
Dear Confused Wife,
Unless you take a firm grip on yourself, you risk losing everything over nothing. How can you explain calling out another man’s name while in the arms of your husband? In his shoes, how would you feel? Do you really expect him to believe your story that nothing is going on between you and this man? Everyone would think something intimate or special must have been going on between the two of you to call out his name in passion when you were intimate with your husband.
The sad thing about all these is the needless burden you would be bringing to this man and his family if your husband makes good his threat. How do you want him to explain to his family and the world that he is innocent of your obsession with him? If you were his wife, do you think you can bring yourself to trust him again or trust him enough to defend him? For you to call out a man’s name in passion takes a different kind of feeling.
It is therefore in the interest of everyone concerned that you take a firm grip of yourself. You are not a dreamy eyed teenager who sees life through rose tinted glasses. You are a mother, an adult that knows the implication of what this kind of passion can do. Don’t drag this man down for something he isn’t guilty of. There is nothing as painful as being made to suffer for an offence one is blameless of. If you can manage your spouse at the end of the day, would he be able to make his wife believe him that he knows nothing about your feelings for him?
If you truly have something deep for this man, for his sake, fight this feeling with your entire mind. Doubtless, we don’t determine our feelings towards people, but we can fight them if we want to. That is what adulthood and responsibility demand. At every point in life, we should be able to take responsibilities for our actions at every point. Once, we are unable to publicly account for our actions, it then becomes not just a burden to us but also to the people around us. This matter of your feelings has gone beyond you; it is now the concern of everyone around you.
It has become the burden and shame of your mother whose motherly skills and values are coming under scrutiny. If you get kicked out of your home on account of infidelity, irrespective of whether you did it or not, it would bounce back to her nurturing of you just as it would make people including your husband, question the paternity of your children.
When a woman’s reputation comes under doubts, she rubs it off on everyone close to her.
If you have been married for a decade, it means you are not a young woman oblivious of the gravity of not being able to discipline her emotions. What has this man got to offer you that you are not getting from your husband? For you to survive 10 years of marriage, a lot of efforts and sacrifices must have gone into it on either side. So why waste all those years for something that isn’t real, that exists only in your imagination?
However, your feelings underscore lack of satisfaction with something in your marriage. Can you identify that thing? It is time for you to think deep. Granted that a time comes in a marriage when it becomes so boring and one is tempted to look for excitements outside; it behooves couples in such instances to sit down and talk.
Rather than allow your imagination grow your feelings for this man, the ideal thing would have been for you to pause and ask yourself what is so special about your boss that is making you go weak at the knees.
Your feelings are not the wrong things, but the way you are handling it. Every attempt should have been made by you to import those feelings into your marriage and relationship with your husband.
Having lived with him for 10 years, your relationship should have gotten to a point of being able to handle everything. Although it would have been difficult to tell your husband what you are feeling for another man but not out of place to discuss your emotional confusion with him.
Being your husband, he would have been able to help you manage the situation by drawing closer to you.
Sincerely, it isn’t too late for you and your husband to mend fences. All you have to do is tell him the truth regards your feelings and thoughts concerning your boss.
You have no choice at this junction, but to admit what happened. It would enable both of you realise all the things that are wrong with your union. Without both of you really taking time out and confronting your challenges, your marriage won’t survive this problem. Whatever it is that you are not saying or afraid to admit to yourself, this is the time to say it, so that your life and marriage can move forward.
You have gotten to that point you cannot pretend everything is okay with you and your marriage anymore.
Telling him the truth would also encourage him to open up on issues he has also been pretending are normal. Once these issues are in the open, it would help your marriage a great deal, no matter how unpalatable they may appear in the beginning.
Besides talking, there is also the need to stay very close to God. Although many dismiss references to the spiritual in certain matters as baseless, but the truth is that there is no ignoring the possibility that what you are going through has some spiritual links.
On your own pray and ask God for help in confronting and defeating it. Even if you and your husband are able to resolve this, if it was spiritually programmed to destroy your home, no amount of dialogue will help. Only a close relationship with God can defeat this power of lust.
You may also have to consider leaving your job for something else. Your husband may insist on it as a precondition for resolving this crisis. Don’t fight him over it. Besides, if you continue to work in that office, you will never be able to completely overcome your feelings for this man.
No amount of money you make from that office is worth the happiness of your home and children. There is more to life than money. If leaving the job and vicinity of your boss would preserve the respect your children have for you as a mother and earn you peace in your marriage, please do it.
The action would go a long way in convincing your husband of your innocence. It is one sacrifice that won’t be too much for you as a mother and wife to make for the stability of your home. It is called removing yourself from temptation’s way.
Just continue to always ask God for help.
Good luck.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
I wedded her with another man’s pregnancy
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Last year I met and fell in love with one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Her beauty was enough for me. Against the advice of my family and friends, I broke off my 8-year-old relationship with my former girlfriend and married my new love precisely a month after I broke it off.
My mother didn’t bother to attend the wedding. She told me I would end up regretting my decisions to break off my old relationship as well as the haste in marrying my woman.
Almost immediately after our wedding she announced that she was pregnant. I was very happy at the development.
During the pregnancy I did everything to make her happy, irrespective of my mother’s opinion that I have been duped. She began this line of argument when I informed her that my wife was pregnant. She told me right there and then that the pregnancy wasn’t mine; that the lady I think is a saint was already pregnant before our wedding night. I told her it wasn’t possible that I met her a virgin.
Although there was no blood but she was tight as if making love for the first time. It was actually what made me make up my mind about her. She explained the lack of blood on the kinds of exercises she does to stay trim.
Less than six months into our marriage, she went into labour. She told me it was premature, but when I got to the hospital, the baby wasn’t in the tube as I had expected. When I asked her why the baby wasn’t in the tube, she said the baby was big, hence the doctor didn’t think it necessary for the baby to be in the incubator.
I had no reason to doubt her, but when my mother came to the hospital to see the baby, she insisted the baby was full term. She would have dragged me to the doctor to confirm but for the intervention of my elder sister who said we should keep our family secrets to ourselves.
Up till that point, I really thought my mother was out to make trouble, hence dismissed her claims. It wasn’t until the naming ceremony that I began to suspect something was wrong somewhere. There was this particular man that came with her friends.
He also came with a group of his friends and sat in a corner all by himself. They came with their own drinks and food. His friends were busy congratulating him and I noticed that they were all very familiar with my wife and even referred to her as their wife.
I also noticed that the man and his friends performed what looked like a naming ceremony when she took the baby to them. It was so obvious that others too noticed it because people began to talk.
It was actually my 10-year-old niece, who made the innocent observation that, my baby and this man looked very much alike. And when I looked closer, I discovered to my shock the baby was his carbon copy.
I felt humiliated and deflated because my whole family and friends noticed the resemblance between this man and my so-called child.
When I threatened to kill her later, she told me the truth about her life. She told me that the baby isn’t mine and that she used lime and alum to wash to make me think she is a virgin.
She said she decided to marry me because her lover is a married man, but whose wife cannot give him a child due to an abortion they did while in school that went wrong.
It is for this reason he cannot divorce his wife. Besides the wife’s father is well connected in the presidency and must not know about his illegitimate child else he would be thrown back into the streets where he belongs.
Now the proposition is that I keep the baby for him while he rewards me with juicy contracts until it is safe for him to take mother and child with him.
The implication is that I don’t have a marriage any more. I cannot divorce her while the contract between the man and me lasts. What do I do Agatha?
Should I go back to my ex who is still single to plead with her for patience or tell the man I am not interested in what he has to offer me; that he should take my wife and his son away from my home?
I am so confused about everything. Meanwhile my family is insisting she leaves my house with her baby immediately. Your help is urgently needed.
Olawale.
Dear Olawale,
You are the only one that can determine what you want for yourself. From the tone of your letter and your line of thoughts, you appear to lack the depth needed to be thorough in crucial decision-making.
Honestly, there is no help anyone can offer you, but the one you give yourself. Having made a fine mess of your life, you appear set to make another one because of the money involved.
If you weren’t who you are, this other man would not have the guts to make such a proposition to you nor would the woman and her child stay in your house after that show of shame. But because you lack the kind of character and ability to stay focused on what you have at hand, you will continue to make terrible mistakes.
The issue now is beyond what is happening to you. It is more a matter of you sitting down to properly plan your life. Had you done that, you would have been able to detect something wasn’t right about your new woman from the beginning as well as resist her beauty.
You would have known that there is more to a person than beauty or riches. You would have investigated more the reactions of your friends and family. It is one thing for a mother to be against the woman of choice of her son, but a different matter when friends too oppose one’s choice. You should have asked your mother more probing questions on why she thinks you have been duped.
If she didn’t oppose your former relationship wth your ex, you should have been curious to know why she was so vehement against your current choice.
At that point, you should have tarried a little bit and not allow her to rush you into a marriage you werent prepared for.
Granted there is nothing you can do about your past mistake, but you can do a lot about your current situation if you want to live a normal life again.
Yes, this man has promised you juicy contracts, but has refused to say when he would come for his woman and child. Until he does, you will never be able to marry or move on with your life. So, telling your ex to wait for you is needless. Even if she agrees to come back to you, for how long do you expect her to be patient and wait for you to untangle yourself from the maze you unwittingly walked into?
What do you really have to offer her? Deep down would you have considered her at all if things worked for you and this other woman? If you didn’t have any considerations dumping her after eight years of courtship, what makes you think she would be willing to take you back after her humiliations and emotional pains suffered when you walked away from her to marry another woman?
Feelings are not like taps that you can turn on and off, as you like. If you ever loved this woman don’t go back to her. Doing so would only mess things more for you and everyone concerned. In the first place, you are still a married man under the law, which means you are not free to promise any woman anything. Deep down do you think it would be fair to subject her to this kind of life? Had you something good and promising to offer her, she may consider and forgive you of your past mistake, but to go to her when you have nothing to give her is asking too much of a woman you have hurt so deeply.
Stay away from her and allow her meet and marry a man who truly loves and respects her. You had your chance with her and made your choice.
It would be in your final interest to reject the insulting offer made you by this man. No matter the money involved, it cannot compare to your integrity as a man. At this junction in your life, it is important for you to firm and resolute to avoid living a life of regrets and failures.
Tell him you are not interested; that he has the option of taking his child and the mother out of the country. They have a better chance of staying going unnoticed there. Someone is bound some day to find about the similarities between your purported son and the man in question. By then you would also be a target for the woman and her family.
Quietly apply for a divorce to give you the chance to another life. If you have this determination, nothing stops you from going to ask your former girlfriend for forgiveness but this can only happen if you have something positive to offer her.
You really need the grace and help of God to resist the force of money and beauty to make the right choice with your life. So go to Him in prayers.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Last year I met and fell in love with one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Her beauty was enough for me. Against the advice of my family and friends, I broke off my 8-year-old relationship with my former girlfriend and married my new love precisely a month after I broke it off.
My mother didn’t bother to attend the wedding. She told me I would end up regretting my decisions to break off my old relationship as well as the haste in marrying my woman.
Almost immediately after our wedding she announced that she was pregnant. I was very happy at the development.
During the pregnancy I did everything to make her happy, irrespective of my mother’s opinion that I have been duped. She began this line of argument when I informed her that my wife was pregnant. She told me right there and then that the pregnancy wasn’t mine; that the lady I think is a saint was already pregnant before our wedding night. I told her it wasn’t possible that I met her a virgin.
Although there was no blood but she was tight as if making love for the first time. It was actually what made me make up my mind about her. She explained the lack of blood on the kinds of exercises she does to stay trim.
Less than six months into our marriage, she went into labour. She told me it was premature, but when I got to the hospital, the baby wasn’t in the tube as I had expected. When I asked her why the baby wasn’t in the tube, she said the baby was big, hence the doctor didn’t think it necessary for the baby to be in the incubator.
I had no reason to doubt her, but when my mother came to the hospital to see the baby, she insisted the baby was full term. She would have dragged me to the doctor to confirm but for the intervention of my elder sister who said we should keep our family secrets to ourselves.
Up till that point, I really thought my mother was out to make trouble, hence dismissed her claims. It wasn’t until the naming ceremony that I began to suspect something was wrong somewhere. There was this particular man that came with her friends.
He also came with a group of his friends and sat in a corner all by himself. They came with their own drinks and food. His friends were busy congratulating him and I noticed that they were all very familiar with my wife and even referred to her as their wife.
I also noticed that the man and his friends performed what looked like a naming ceremony when she took the baby to them. It was so obvious that others too noticed it because people began to talk.
It was actually my 10-year-old niece, who made the innocent observation that, my baby and this man looked very much alike. And when I looked closer, I discovered to my shock the baby was his carbon copy.
I felt humiliated and deflated because my whole family and friends noticed the resemblance between this man and my so-called child.
When I threatened to kill her later, she told me the truth about her life. She told me that the baby isn’t mine and that she used lime and alum to wash to make me think she is a virgin.
She said she decided to marry me because her lover is a married man, but whose wife cannot give him a child due to an abortion they did while in school that went wrong.
It is for this reason he cannot divorce his wife. Besides the wife’s father is well connected in the presidency and must not know about his illegitimate child else he would be thrown back into the streets where he belongs.
Now the proposition is that I keep the baby for him while he rewards me with juicy contracts until it is safe for him to take mother and child with him.
The implication is that I don’t have a marriage any more. I cannot divorce her while the contract between the man and me lasts. What do I do Agatha?
Should I go back to my ex who is still single to plead with her for patience or tell the man I am not interested in what he has to offer me; that he should take my wife and his son away from my home?
I am so confused about everything. Meanwhile my family is insisting she leaves my house with her baby immediately. Your help is urgently needed.
Olawale.
Dear Olawale,
You are the only one that can determine what you want for yourself. From the tone of your letter and your line of thoughts, you appear to lack the depth needed to be thorough in crucial decision-making.
Honestly, there is no help anyone can offer you, but the one you give yourself. Having made a fine mess of your life, you appear set to make another one because of the money involved.
If you weren’t who you are, this other man would not have the guts to make such a proposition to you nor would the woman and her child stay in your house after that show of shame. But because you lack the kind of character and ability to stay focused on what you have at hand, you will continue to make terrible mistakes.
The issue now is beyond what is happening to you. It is more a matter of you sitting down to properly plan your life. Had you done that, you would have been able to detect something wasn’t right about your new woman from the beginning as well as resist her beauty.
You would have known that there is more to a person than beauty or riches. You would have investigated more the reactions of your friends and family. It is one thing for a mother to be against the woman of choice of her son, but a different matter when friends too oppose one’s choice. You should have asked your mother more probing questions on why she thinks you have been duped.
If she didn’t oppose your former relationship wth your ex, you should have been curious to know why she was so vehement against your current choice.
At that point, you should have tarried a little bit and not allow her to rush you into a marriage you werent prepared for.
Granted there is nothing you can do about your past mistake, but you can do a lot about your current situation if you want to live a normal life again.
Yes, this man has promised you juicy contracts, but has refused to say when he would come for his woman and child. Until he does, you will never be able to marry or move on with your life. So, telling your ex to wait for you is needless. Even if she agrees to come back to you, for how long do you expect her to be patient and wait for you to untangle yourself from the maze you unwittingly walked into?
What do you really have to offer her? Deep down would you have considered her at all if things worked for you and this other woman? If you didn’t have any considerations dumping her after eight years of courtship, what makes you think she would be willing to take you back after her humiliations and emotional pains suffered when you walked away from her to marry another woman?
Feelings are not like taps that you can turn on and off, as you like. If you ever loved this woman don’t go back to her. Doing so would only mess things more for you and everyone concerned. In the first place, you are still a married man under the law, which means you are not free to promise any woman anything. Deep down do you think it would be fair to subject her to this kind of life? Had you something good and promising to offer her, she may consider and forgive you of your past mistake, but to go to her when you have nothing to give her is asking too much of a woman you have hurt so deeply.
Stay away from her and allow her meet and marry a man who truly loves and respects her. You had your chance with her and made your choice.
It would be in your final interest to reject the insulting offer made you by this man. No matter the money involved, it cannot compare to your integrity as a man. At this junction in your life, it is important for you to firm and resolute to avoid living a life of regrets and failures.
Tell him you are not interested; that he has the option of taking his child and the mother out of the country. They have a better chance of staying going unnoticed there. Someone is bound some day to find about the similarities between your purported son and the man in question. By then you would also be a target for the woman and her family.
Quietly apply for a divorce to give you the chance to another life. If you have this determination, nothing stops you from going to ask your former girlfriend for forgiveness but this can only happen if you have something positive to offer her.
You really need the grace and help of God to resist the force of money and beauty to make the right choice with your life. So go to Him in prayers.
Good luck.
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