Thursday, July 4, 2013

He is rude to my husband

Dear Agatha, My mother-in-law married four men and had children for all of them. Her last husband was a wealthy man hence the children from that marriage are better off in terms of financial empowerment than the rest of them. Because of this, she tilts towards these children more than she does others. My husband belongs to her first generation of children. His father too wasn’t poor but he is the kind of man who believes in finding his way through life. Besides, he is the only one from his mother to his father hence is very careful not to be involved in any of the paternal family politics. The fact that his father loved him the most among all his children made him more determined to keep his distance from the family when his father passed on. All of them are closer to the maternal family due to their mother’s influence. They all contribute to their mother’s upkeep but in recent times, business hasn’t been too good for my husband who is a government contractor. They are yet to be paid for contracts done so we are a little bit down on cash resulting in him not being able to meet some of his financial obligations to his mother. As a result his younger brother, the last of them all has become very rude to him; right in the presence of his mother, he would talk to my husband ruddy. Just last week, right in my presence, he told my husband who had gone to celebrate with their mother on her birthday to be mindful of how our children played around the living room since he just spent a fortune renovating the place. Their eldest brother who too is a struggling man tried to reprimand him but was also given the same ill-mannered treatment melted on my husband. I am getting fed up of the entire thing. I want to go and confront him; to demand he stops humiliating my husband who until recently was the one who gave the most money to their mother. As it is, I really don’t care anymore what the consequences would be as my husband keeps giving the excuse of not wanting to destroy the family as reason for putting up with his baby brother’s arrogance. It is painful that my husband doesn’t act the man I want him to in this kind of situation. He is too soft for my liking and his attitude is really irritating me. What should I do? Sumbo. Dear Sumbo, Much as I appreciate your hurt and embarrassment at this whole thing, please don’t instigate any quarrel between you and your brother-in-law. Don’t forget that what binds them is very strong. The mother’s blood is very strong hence they can come back together in the future and you would be the common enemy. This is because their relationship with each other predates your own with their brother. They grew up together, have knowledge of each other that you don’t have and know the limits they can go with each other. To jump into their relationship midway is to put yourself on the firing line. I am sure this isn’t the first time in their lives that they are would be having such disagreements; the fact that you met them still on speaking terms means they have evolved their own way of resolving such disagreements. Also, that he could talk to their eldest brother in the same manner he talks to your husband means this boy isn’t saying or doing anything he hasn’t done before. There are certain kinds of situation you don’t join issues with a person especially one who is young and on an ego trip. If he obviously lacks respect for his elder brothers, isn’t mindful of how he addresses them or who is in the audience, what assurances do you have that he is ready to extend any courtesy to you? As a woman, you will definitely not be able to stomach his behavior and your reactions would only complicate the tense situation in the family. Your husband who hasn’t bothered to pay attention to his brother’s acid tongue may not be able to stand it when the insult is on you. He would be forced to join issues with his brother to protect you. This would unquestionably lead to both of them exchanging words and taking some very fundamental decisions that might go beyond you to the children. So many problems a lot of us are fighting in our foundations came about from situations like this. Therefore, before you act, consider the implications on your children as well as the essence of what you want to achieve by going to him. How much of difference is your talking to a man who is an adult going to make on his behavior? If his mother is obviously not able to bridle his mouth, what can you the wife of the brother he loathes, do? If he is as bad as you say, the story would be you came to beg him for money and decided to insult him when he couldn’t give you enough. Such people don’t learn their lessons from within the family circle; they get to learn from people outside. Furthermore, you should be careful to avoid being blamed for anything that might happen to him after your proposed confrontation. There is always an unexpected turn at every corner in life. Should that unexpected turn happen seconds after the confrontation; there is no way you can escape being the prime suspect. Your husband’s way though may appear weak and embarrassing to you, is still the best approach in life. Learn to ignore anybody who is seeking relevance which is what your brother-in-law is doing. Anybody who likes using the disadvantage of another person to feel important, is best ignored. As a woman who has the interest of her husband at heart, what you should do is to really pray for your husband’s to regain his former glory back. Once he is able to recover his money with the government, things would be better for him. You should also begin to plan for tomorrow; how you can help him improve his financial viability so when the finacial draughts comes you can still feed well. Rather than waste precious time thinking of how to confront your brother-in-law, help your husband come up with a business that he can diversify into alongside his contractor job. Don’t forget that his kind of business is seasonal and depends mostly on who one knows. But having a business on the side would help him keep his prestige as a husband and man. The best way to keep people like your brother-in-law in check is to succeed. This should be your goal, not joining issues with a man who probably has never worked in his life on account of the money his father left him. Only a person, who has worked hard in life, appreciates the struggles of another man. There is no way he can ever appreciate the challenges his brother is going through if he hasn’t experienced his kind of challenge. As a matter of fact, if there is anybody you should be talking to, it is their mother who in her lifetime is unwittingly destroying her children by her inability to put her last son in check. The mere fact that she didn’t say or do anything, shows that she may be the silent voice behind her last son’s loud one. You can go to her without fear of any consequence whatsoever. She is their mother and has the responsibility of shaping her children’s future. Even though they are all grown ups, she still has a task of helping them to imbibe the right attitudes and morals. As gently as possible, let her know where she went wrong in the training of her children. If possible, point her at the future implications of her inability to plant and nurture love between her children. Let her know that it could be the end of her dynasty after she dies. To get her to listen and take action, make it clear that people are already talking and saying that she is tolerating the situation because she didn’t have them for the same man and that the younger son is getting away with his behavior because his father is the wealthier of her husbands. This little information is to give her a reason to think and act. Above all, never forget to pray for the family since nothing is impossible before God. Good luck.

Is this guy serious?

Dear Agatha, I am in my early 30s. There is this guy who is 36 and whom I dated in 2010. He promised me marriage and I accepted. But in December of that same year, we had a misunderstanding over a simple issue and that was the end of the relationship. By January, 2011; he relocated to Abuja. In April 2012, he called to apologise and to ask we resume our relationship. He also demanded I come to meet him in Abuja. I knew if I go to visit him, he would want to sleep with me so I decided to test him by asking him to pay N20,000 into my account which would be enough for my travelling. He flared up and promptly asked me not to bother coming again and that I should never call him again. All of a sudden this June, he came back again; this time to declare his willingness to marry me and that he has come to the realisation we are meant for each other. I asked him to come over to Lagos if indeed true he wanted me for his wife. He said he can’t come to Lagos now that I should instead come to Abuja. He was in Lagos in March this year. I know he is hiding something. Please advice me. Worried Girlfriend. Dear Worried Girlfriend, For both of you to move beyond the point both of you are now, there is the need for both of you to talk about the past and future. Both of you must know what went on in your lives since you both parted. He must tell you the experiences that informed his current stance about you as well as those things that have changed about him. You too must be sure about him to venture into a relationship with him again because it is very clear that you don’t trust him one bit. Your reactions to him and his proposal isn’t the kind expected from a woman who is in love with the man in her life. There is only one conclusion to this kind of feeling; you are not very sure about what you feel for him at all. This, you must clear before you can both move on in life. No one but you can sort the reason you are not so excited about him; appear not to be bowed over by his marriage proposal. This is why you don’t trust him a little bit and are unwilling to take any kind of risk with him. The question is; what do you feel for him? And the follow up one is; do you think you can withstand him for the rest of your life? Many a time couples premise their marriages on notions and pressures. When a couple goes into marriage thinking they can change each other and mend bad bends as they journey on in marriage, they get to a point of acute disappointment because adults are the most difficult to change. Therefore, whatever you cannot change now, don’t make the mistake of many women who think they can change their men after the wedding ceremony. Besides, the beginning of a relationship is when a woman has the most power over her man. If he cannot create time out of no time to come over to Lagos to iron and fine-tune things between the two of you, be careful how you tread with him. He should as a matter of fact be the one coming over to Lagos to re-establish his authority over you. If he cannot make this necessary sacrifice for the sake of this relationship at this very tender stage, when is he going to make one for you? He is the one who wants to marry you and considering there is an issue on the ground between both of you; he should be the one to come first; thereafter, you can go to him as many times as you like. His coming would tell you how much you mean to him. If you go, you put yourself at his mercy especially if you don’t have enough funds on you to stay in a hotel. Besides, Abuja has become his territory; not yours so he has the advantage of familiarity with the environment to pressure you into doing exactly as he wants. In Abuja, he can do as he pleases with you. Besides, marriage shouldn’t be the first thing he should propose given the mountains of disagreements between the two of you. It has been almost two years you both stopped dating officially. So much could have happened between then and now. He shouldn’t assume you are always free for him to walk in and out of your life just like that. It is also wrong for him to think that all that is required is for him to offer you a marriage proposal and you would come running to Abuja without first clearing all those cobwebs of yesterday. No relationship works that way. If you make the mistake of jumping on board a vehicle or plane going to Abuja without first sorting things out with him, you just might be setting yourself up for disappointment and pains. A workable marriage must be pegged on realistic goals; not feelings and desires. Granted marriage is a product of sentiments but experience has shown it doesn’t work that way. Without a realistic and honest foundation, there is no cementing the bond between two people. Insist, you can only accept his offers if he makes himself available for you both to discuss why you have been having problems in your relationships. If both of you are finding it absolutely difficult finding an equilibrium in your current relationship, then how do you both propose to conduct a successful marriage? There is no sweeping all these discordant issues between both of you under the carpet at all. To do so is to build a store of future troubles in your relationship. Trust me these aren’t issues a couple discuss when sex is the main agenda of their meeting. He must have a sincerity of purpose, must be interested in the future of the relationship for both of you to have a meaningful result. Besides, why isn’t he enthusiastic about coming over to see you in Lagos? Is there any one or situation he is trying to avoid by coming over to see you in Lagos? Go to Abuja only after both of you have cleared all your outstanding issues and not before. Successful marriage can only be accomplished if done right and not in a hurry. Good luck.

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha, I do have a problem and it has to do with not having a woman in my life. I have met a lot of women in my life but never had anything serious to do with any of them. Mostly, my interest in them is limited to sex. And when I finally found a woman I desired to keep, she walked out on me because, she thinks I am only interested in sex. Thank God, I don’t sleep with call girls or prostitutes, because I don’t patronize them. But the issue is that I’m scared of women because they want too much and demand too much from men. I want a woman who is less demanding, not just in material things but also too much expectations from me. Like when to make calls or not, doing things together, listening to her. Sometimes, a man just needs a free time to just think. Women need too much attention and when you don’t give them that attention, they start making assumptions. Aunty, I need a woman in my life. Loneliness is killing me and I have learnt my lesson. How do I go about searching for a woman. I feel guilty just walking to a girl and start talking sweet nonsense to her ears and I know it’s the sex I’m more interested in. I don’t need that. Should I go to my church and find one? I think that is sinful because God’s house is for worships and not dating. Can I find one on this platform? My number is 08122351449. I’ll be glad if I can find one here. I’m Igbo and I don’t like long distance relationships. I don’t mind what tribe or religion the lady comes from or practices. I love buxom or plus size women but don’t mind simple women and I don’t like loud women. I love creative and ambitious women and can align my own dreams and ambitions with hers. Thank you. Ben Okafor. benokafor50@gmail.com. 08122351449. Dear Ben, Having gone through your mail, I cannot but wish you luck in your search for your ideal woman. I honestly think you should be more honest with your wants in a woman as well as clearer on your motive for wanting a woman in your life. Good luck.

She cannot satisfy me sexually

Dear Agatha, God bless you for your wonderful advice to people. I am married with three children and living in Europe. My wife is from my town; I love her and my children so much and try my best to see that they lack nothing. The problem I am having with her is her inability to satisfy me sexually. She hates anything that will disturb her sleep. I sleep in the children room because she complains I snore and disturbs her sleep. I only go inside our room when we want to have sex which after which I go back to children’s room. I dare not wake her up for sex no matter how aroused I am because she will definitely turn me down with nagging. Sometimes, she insists we have sex only once in a week because she doesn’t want her female anatomy to expand. This is a woman who delivered all her children through Cesarean Section (CS) because her pelvis is too small to allow for normal birth. Secondly, I wonder who she wants to preserve herself for? I don’t want to have an affair outside my marriage but she is pushing me by her attitude to do other wise. I always tell her the implications of what she is doing but I don’t know her reason for all her behaviour. Please advice me before our marriage is destroyed IK. Dear IK, Has she always been like this? Did both of you pre-empt your marital vows? If you didn’t, were you her first lover? How was it like in the early days? And if you did; what were the early days like between the two of you? Queer as this may sound, not every woman is interested in sex. For some women, it is a nightmare which they have to endure for the moment the exercise lasts. They find sex unbearable, uninteresting and a complete nightmare. Has she ever complained about sex to you? At least get this angle out of the way first by asking her what her general views are about sex. You may have been having sex with her without noticing her attitude towards the whole thing. That a woman is putting up with it and having children doesn’t translate to her enjoying the act. Assure her that you are man enough to cope with her confession as long as it resolves the emotional pains your marriage is going through. Take her through every stage of your sex life, probing here and there for explanations as to why she put up an attitude at one time and a different attitude at another time. Also ask her about her attitude towards you and the marriage. When some women get tired of a man, they can adopt some emotionally abusive attitudes intended to force the man to make the decision to end the marriage. The situation in your home calls for absolute honesty; not one shadowed by fear of losing her or the security you have built around your marriage. Every marriage has its period of crisis; one both parties must resolve to form a formidable front in overcoming. It is more daunting if the challenge has to do with sexual satisfaction; no marriage can survive sexual disharmony for long. It will get to a point you will be forced to seek fulfillment outside your home. Whatever you have to find out; including what happened to her in her early years, ask her. Frostiness in the bedroom also could be from an ugly incident in the past or the tales told her by her mother about sex. Many a time, the approaches we adopt to issues in our adult years are influenced by the kinds of things our childhood environments taught and exposed us to. Evidently, there are certain things you both didn’t discuss before you got married. Ironically, sex, the very core of every reasonable marriage is what most couples neglect to discuss at the onset of their relationships. Many couples assume that once a woman and man can perform the ancient dance, everything is okay. Unfortunately, being able to perform the act doesn’t guarantee things will always be well between the couple. In your discussions, you both must be able, to at least say, how often you want sex to be between the two of you. if she is insisting once a week is enough for her and you want it everyday; one of the rules governing marriage places emphasis on compromise. Though not a tidy way of resolving the issue of sex, at least it will to an extent lessen the tension in your home until you either get used to it or she chances her attitude towards you. As a preamble, an informal kind of calendar will help resolve the immediate issue of how regular sex should be between the two of you. However, let it be known that in between time-table, sex is permitted by either party. This is because spontaneity makes the whole experience worthwhile. This period is intended to help both of you revive and find your soul as a couple. It is to help remind you both without bitterness and tension the sacrifices, patience and tolerance that are needed to triumph over difficult situation in a marriage. Beyond sex, how close are the two of you as a couple? Are you both friends; able to discuss and talk as two people that really want to spend the rest of their lives together? I ask this because sex alone doesn’t enhance the value of a marriage. both of you must have an understanding of each other’s needs, appreciate the feelings and thinking of the other person and grow the kind of selflessness and sacrifice needed to accommodate each other’s shortcomings. You both need to work on all these aspects. There is no having a rewarding sexual relationship without growing the out of bedroom connection. Everything about you must excite her just as she must be able to stimulate you into ease and comfort outside the bedroom. This is the panacea to a wonderful and wholesome relationship. Friends don’t bother about the shortcomings of each other. If there is this bond between, she won’t be bothered about your snores, would be oblivious of it and wakes you up to turn if it is really bad. You are having this problem because there is nothing to hold on to. She is short-fused, angry and irritated because both of you have become strangers to each other. Depending on how much both of you want this union to last; this is the time to restructure your marriage. You must appreciate the pressures she is going through as a woman and mother in a foreign land. As her husband, you must look for ways of helping her to cope better and give her time to manage her stress during the day time. The work of a mother is stressful. You shouldn’t be interested in her only when you want to make love; be involved during the day time too. If necessary go back to the drawing board; bring back the nostalgia of the early days; it will help you both remember what it was like and those things you forgot to do. It will aid you to remember the point you lost your focus and dreams. It may not be as easy as this, but once you are able to find each other again, sieving the through your mistakes will be a lot easier. It is therefore imperative you tackle everything together and not attempt to isolate the other issues from this process. You should also not neglect to examine your own mistakes either as a person, husband, friend and father. Even if your decision to marry was made in error; once you both agree to make it work, the errors of the past can become the strength of your marriage. Thank goodness, you are still in love with her; it makes the process of finding peace with your wife easier. Love helps the heart to endure certain abnormal situations while friendship allows the entire psychology of the human mind cope with pains and disappointments. Pay her compliments; listen always to her needs, fears and deep anxieties. If she is saying she doesn’t want her body to lose its vibrancy; it tells you of an hidden fear from someone’s experience or from something you may have said unknowingly. Allay whatever fears she has in that direction. One of the things complicating to this situation is staying in different rooms. Do everything humanly possible to ensure you both share a room. Sleeping in your children’s room is giving them a bad example. Good luck.

She is stubborn

Dear Agatha, Thanks for the positive changes you are making in the lives of people. I am 35years old and my fiancĂ©e is 23. We have dated for almost three years. I’m thinking of fixing our traditional marriage ceremony for December. I reside in Lagos while she stays in a neighbouring state. She is a little bit stubborn. If she makes up her mind to do something, she will, no matter what anybody feels about her decision. She has this attitude that, at worse, she will come back to apologise at the end of the day. It has been her way of life and is giving me cause for concern. The latest incident that really got me angry has to do with a text message she sent to inform me of a bachelor’s eve she and her friends planned to attend in another town. Despite registering my discomfort and decision for her not to attend the event she still attended. Following this, I called off the relationship and told her to forget everything about me. She has since been asking for forgiveness. I’m confused. For how long will I continue to live like that? She will always insist on doing things her way after which she will come back to beg for forgiveness. I regard this attitude as stubbornness and this is not the way I want to spend the rest of my life with a woman who has her kind of attitude. I need your candid advice. Confused Guy. Dear Confused Guy, This isn’t a challenge you handle with anger because annoyance has a way of destroying so many things in life. First you must acknowledge that we are all equally allocated a habit that will always irritate others, especially our loved ones. If you care to look inwards at yourself, you will also discover a side of you that don’t jell with others particularly those very close to you. The beauty about life is our ability to accommodate our weaknesses and focus on our strengths. She may be stubborn but what about her other qualities, that have kept this relationship going for three years? This is the time for you to focus on those special attributes you may find very difficult to replace in another woman. Just as we all have our bad sides, we are also blessed with very positive unique qualities; the kind that will never be available in another person. This is what makes us special and our own persons. Compare her most unique quality with her stubbornness; place these two attributes on a scale; deep in your mind which one affects you the most? How much happiness and pride has the good side of her given you as a man? How often do you derive pleasure from her integrity and love as a woman? Is her stubbornness an everyday thing, the kind you wake up to every morning? There is no ideal relationship anywhere but a perfect determination to make it work. This means, there are no guarantees that the next woman you are going to meet will be perfect for you. Then the question is; how many women are you going to date before making up your mind on one? At 35, you are 13 years older than her, this means you have more experience than she has. At her age, she is just emerging from that age of excitement and fun. Don’t forget she is still in school; the age of parties and numerous friends. If you slow down a bit, you will recall your own yearnings, dreams at her age. True some people mature faster than others, but certain things never really change. We are servants to each season of life. There is no way a child of three will ever act like that of 10. Just like a child of 11 can never act like that of 21. Every season has an identification tag. The memories of her restrictive teenage years are not too far from her mind. She wants to have a feel of life before she settles down with you. Understandably at 35, your years are counting, hers at 23, is just beginning. If you push her too hard, you may lose her because what you consider her stubbornness may just be a desire on her side to enjoy some level of freedom, an intoxicating substance that requires patience to defeat. As the more experienced one, you must also understand the danger of using too much force to pass across your message or position. Her attitude too could be a way of registering her displeasure at the way you treat or talk to her. Not everybody likes to be ordered around. Perhaps you should verify the way and manner you address her generally. For instance, why didn’t you want her to attend this party? Is it out of concern for her safety or simply because you don’t want her to attend? Even babies become more stubborn when parents daily apply the use of force in putting them under check. Appreciate that she is first and foremost a human being, her own person before being part of your life. You cannot overnight want to structure her to fit your own ways without expecting to meet certain resistance from her end. In school, she is among friends, those that keep her company for now. There is no way she would have been able to tell these friends that you asked her not to attend the party they had long planned for. In her shoes, what would you have done? Peer pressure is a factor which you have to contend with at least until you marry her. Living with friends and in school would make the kind of order you gave her difficult to adhere to. If she gives in to everything you want her to do, she will lose her personality to you and that will make everything very boring for you as the years roll by. Unless of course you want the kind of woman who won’t be able to challenge your orders, meekly submit to your every desire, a marriage needs the contradictions of our individualities to remain relevant. This is the woman you plan to spend the rest of your life with. Ordering her around will not augur well for your relationship. Respect begets respect. However, there is the need for her to recognise that she needs to respect you especially in the presence of her friends. There is the need for you to invite her over to your base for a heart to heart discussion on the way forward. In dialoguing with her, do the mature thing of hearing her out; listen to her grievances against you. Don’t try to stop her from saying what she has in mind. Give her through your patience every hope that your relationship is based on equal partnership and that you intend to be a leader and not a boss. Seeing the efforts you are making will give her that assurance to completely go with you. It will resolve some of the nagging issues that are making her misbehave. Every woman wants the assurance that she is special to her man. What force cannot achieve love and understanding can. Bring out the woman in her by being her friend, champion, supporter and worthy leader. These are attributes you can use to change and structure her into your kind of woman. When a woman is in love with her man, there is nothing she won’t do for him. So get her to fall in love with you first before attempting to change her. For now, give yourselves the chance to be happy together by accepting her apologies. But it is important she realises that patience though is elastic can snap when pulled beyond its limit of flexibility. That while you will continue to support her to succeed and be happy, it also behoves her to accord you certain level of respect. That by being stubborn is evidence of her lack of respect for you. Once you are able to manage this aspect of her personality, you may come to find out that she is the best thing to happen to you. But you won’t know if you don’t go this mile to confront the situation instead of pointing her at the door of exit in your life. Good luck