I’m Single At 44

Dear Agatha,

I was 44 early this year. Despite having several relationships when I was young and even till now, I am still unmarried.

All my friends are married with grown up children. Some of these children are already in the university. All my sisters are equally married. The last girl got married three years ago and already has two children.

Before my mother died, she never ceased to worry about my lack of marriage proposals. I think worries about me might have contributed to her death because she and I were very close. Being the first child, I became her strength when my father died. I practically had to step into my father’s shoes of providing for the family as no member of my father’s family showed any interest in our welfare.

Being from a humble background, her people could only provide us with moral support.

My reason for writing to you has to do with the first marriage proposal I have received in my life. However, it is coming from a married man who is in his 50s. He has three children; two boys and a girl. The two boys have graduated while the girl is in her final year.

He has made it very clear that his interest in me isn’t to have children but to have someone he can really be happy with in his life. I met him shortly after my mother’s death three years ago and since then he has been on my neck to marry him.

I have kept on resisting him because from an early age, I made up my mind not to date any married man.

The funny thing about this relationship is my getting pregnant with ease for him, another first in my life. The first time it happened two years ago, without telling him, I had a quiet abortion after which I tried to prevent another occurrence.

Without meaning it to happen again, I got pregnant three months ago. I didn’t even know it until I got confirmation from his doctor after several treatments for malaria that refused to go.

I didn’t know how it happened because I still had my coil in place.

Now the pressure is so much from everybody around me, including all my friends, who have given up any hope of me ever getting married.

But the snag is my pastor insisting it isn’t right to marry a married man and that if I go ahead to marry him, I would lose my place in the church. Already, I have been suspended from my duties as head usher following my confession of being pregnant.

I am really confused. Do I insist on terminating this pregnancy or what?

Every member of his family, including the wife and children are aware of his relationship with me as well as the pending baby. As a matter of fact, his wife told me when she came to see me that if I would give him the happiness she can’t, she was all for it. She also cautioned against me making her mistake. She said, I should always make him happy.

Deliberately, I have refused to get involved in whatever problem they seem to be having since neither of them is willing to talk deeply about it.

Agatha, what do you suggest I do because my doctor says at my age I am very lucky to get pregnant and that I may never be this lucky again.

I am so confused because in this man, I see everything I have always dreamt of in a man but I don’t know why this package comes with prohibitions. Please help me.

Derinola.

 

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Dear Derinola,

Perish whatever idea you may be having about terminating the pregnancy. You did it once, don’t do it again because that would be taking the mercy of God for granted.

He only knows what he is doing or what he wants to achieve by this situation. No man or woman can guess God’s reason in almost all matters.

It is instructive that he is the first man who has been able to get you pregnant as well as the first to offer you a marriage proposal. This is one typical situation where God goes against the norm of men to achieve the expectations of men.

He is an unquestionable God, one who doesn’t need anybody’s permission to do as he pleases.

Whether your pastor likes it or not, a decision has been taken by God so who are we to stand against it?

This is the mystery of His name and powers. Biologically at 44, you have very slim chances of being able to get pregnant again because you are fast approaching menopause. Socially, at 44, you are past the age men fall over themselves in search for your hand in marriage. If you were unable to get any of these men to propose marriage to you in your younger days; how do you propose to do that now?

Forget what the pastor is saying; go to God on your own because this is a very personal issue between you and God. From what he has done with you, it is obvious that his plans for you are completely different from the way he deals with others.

If he wants you to marry this man as his second wife, your meeting with him would point you in the direction to go. You are at a very delicate crossroad in your life; one that requires you to completely entrust your all to God, to look past the condemnation of men and listen to what instructions he gives to you.

Most times, what seems so wrong in the eyes of men; always turns out to be a blessing in disguise. God alone knows the sacrifices this man has had to put up with in his marriage. He alone knows why the two of you were brought together and allowed this child happen despite the family planning device you had in place.

Give yourself up to the desires of God because what is happening in your life is beyond you or anyone.

As for the baby, ensure you and your man come to an agreement whether or not you both decide to marry. Adequate provisions must be made for the baby outside the joint interest he and his first wife may have.

This is to ensure your baby’s future is secured and also to prevent rancour between you and his other children should anything happen to him.

Once you both agree to what your limits are in the relationship and refuse to be used by him or his family to inflict more emotional injury on his wife and children, things would work out eventually. Even though she has offered you her support and encouragement, don’t do anything to incur the wrath of God when you eventually get to know whatever the problem is between the two of them. Believe me, marriage is a very slippery and uncertain voyage and no one ever has all the answers to it. Only the grace of God helps to sustain the institution.

Despite what has happened, never leave the presence of God due to guilt. The time for that is long gone. Had you declined his offer from friendship from the beginning this wouldn’t have happened but who are we to question the ways of God?

If the leadership of your current church is hostile, ask God to direct you to another place where you can worship him in peace and happiness. Above all, always remember that nothing in life happens to any of us without the express permission of God. So, see what is happening to you as answer to all the petitions you have sent before his throne. You may not like the format the answers are taking but learning to accept them as your cross is the only way God’s ways and reasons can manifest. To take laws into your hands is to destroy the will of God for you because you cannot please both man and God at the same time. Only God has the right to condemn; not you, not me or even a servant of God.

Good luck. 

He Has A Love Child

Dear Agatha,

This is my 12^th year in a marriage that has produced three girls and I am in a fix.

Even though I cannot claim to have had a perfect marriage but we have been able to survive the turbulences till date.

His family members, especially his mother for the reason that I have three daughters, does not exactly like me.

She never gets tired of reminding me that in their part of the country, they are Ishan, from Edo State daughters don’t count. She once told me not to be too relaxed as her son’s wife since I have given them no reason to recognise me as one.

Knowing that in my own place too, the same principle applies, I always ignore her. However, when my husband travelled to South Africa for a two-month training programme, she came to inform me that he might decide to stay there, get married and have a real woman who can give her grandsons.

Because I was always suspecting my husband of having an affair with this particular woman whom I have seen him with on several occasions, I was really afraid and took it out on my mother-in-law. I reminded her too of her own inability to have sons early in her marriage as she gave birth to four girls before giving birth to her only son, my husband. I told her not to force my husband into polygamy as her own mother-in-law did.

That day, our disagreement took another dimension as she violently assaulted me. That didn’t end the matter as her daughters all came the next day to take their turns in beating me for daring to confront their mother.

Their father, being too old to do anything, begged me not to be offended by what his wife and daughters did to me. He assured me that I would eventually have a son and that his granddaughters were very precious to him.

That night my husband called demanding to know why I assaulted his mother. He didn’t even give me a chance to state my own side of the story before condemning me.

It was a familiar pattern with him so I hung the phone in anger. For three weeks he didn’t bother to call. The whole incident was too much for me so I went to his father to register my anger and displeasure at the way my husband reacted. His father still pleaded for patience.

That was five years ago. His father died while he was still in South Africa. He came home straight for his burial preparations. Being the first son, he has two other brothers from his stepmother; everything was suspended until his return. In the frenzy, I forgot about our disagreement.

I didn’t bother to refer to it again just as he too didn’t, more so as his mother became very sick afterwards. Till date, she is still bedridden.

Agatha, five years after that incident, my husband has finally decided to admit what happened all those years. He actually travelled with the lady I suspected him to be having an affair with to South Africa since his company made provision for them to go with their wives.

They have a daughter. From what I gathered, the mother’s sickness began when she was told that the other lady also gave birth to a daughter.

Now his sisters, sick mother and my husband are begging me to forgive them as well as accept the child into my home since the mother has since remarried.

How do I accept the child who was meant to send me out of my home? What would have happened if she were a boy?

I am hurting at the betrayal and the role of my husband because never again would I trust him. I am thinking of leaving the house for him and this child because her presence would forever remind me of the treachery of my in-laws as well as my husband’s betrayal.

I just want to leave his life and home with my daughters. After all, his mother once told me that they are not recognised as children.

I am so confused; please help me before I make a mistake I might regret for life because you are my only hope.

Christy.

 

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Dear Christy,

I honesty empathise with you but leaving your home with your children isn’t a solution at all so please perish such thoughts from your mind.

What do you hope to achieve by leaving your home? It simply doesn’t make sense at all. Problems are meant to be solved. Running away won’t make it vanish at all, rather time would complicate things so much it would require another lifetime to put it right.

Don’t make the mistake of your in-laws who are now using extra time to resolve an issue they should have dealt with five years ago.

Doubtless, you have every reason to be bitter, betrayed and very disappointed, you won’t be human if you didn’t feel the way you are feeling now.

If you know you cannot for now trust your reaction, please plead for time and be very frank about why you cannot give them any answer for now. Don’t try to hide your feelings over this matter. Let them know that they have hurt you collectively and you will need sometime to get over the fact that for five years, they and your husband hid the existence of this child from you. Ask them the question if they would have considered it appropriate to come to plead with you if she were a boy.

To prevent you being misunderstood, make it clear that your anger isn’t against the child but the manner under which she was conceived and what her mother and all of them who are now begging you hoped to achieve through her.

This clarification has to be made for the purpose of future relationships.

Don’t lose sight of the fact that this girl and your children are related paternally. They would always have reasons to relate as children of the same father so care must be taken by you not to cause a division, which could lead to a fundamental problem for them. Your role as the woman in the house is not just to have children or care for the emotional needs of your husband, you are also to help provide the children and everyone who comes in contact with your family the attitude to scale life with minimal difficulties.

Refusing to accept this child would be sending the wrong signal to your children. Your reaction would inform how they relate with this child. One of the best gifts you can bequeath to children is never to show them the colours of hatred. Once they know what it looks like, getting them to forget the colours will not be easy. You must therefore do everything within your power to ensure they don’t form their opinion from your own attitude.

This is the time you have to carry your cross on your own. Nobody chose this man for you. What would you tell your children is the reason for leaving their father?

Difficult as this is for you, infidelity among men globally is now a very common trend, one which many wives across the world are learning to cope with without quitting their homes. To quit is to accept defeat and make way for your detractors to laugh at your pain. Life is sweetest when one is able to change one’s pain into strength.

If you leave, he would be free to marry as many women as he wants. If you are not thinking of yourself, what about the children who would have to deal with the issue of having so many step-siblings?

Yes, your husband and his family did the unforgivable but throwing the baby out with the bath water is not a solution.

One way to neutralise the influence of his family over him permanently is to embrace this child and look after her as one of your own. By forgiving him and accepting to look after the child, you prevent him from making the same mistake. If nothing, his family now knows that only God can determine the gender of a child and not them.

As a matter of fact, you should be grateful to God that their attempt to play God in the life of their son failed woefully. God and not you did this so don’t offend the assistance of God by quitting now else you risk being left alone by him to fight your battles. If I were you I would take the child in because from what has happened it shows the great hands of God on your side.

Besides, if from this early age, you learn to invest love in the still barren mind of this child, you stand to reap profitably from the effort.

I appreciate it may not be very easy at first but with time, patience and tolerance would triumph at the end of the day.

With prayers this nightmare would be over, leaving you to again enjoy the joy of your marriage.

Also, with your mother-in-law bedridden, forgive her so that she can have the peace that has eluded her since she stood against the will of God in your life.

It is the least you can do for her because God fought on your side.

Good luck.

He’s Dating Another Woman

Dear Agatha,

I thank God for the wisdom He has bestowed on you to solve people’s problems. I am a foreigner, married to a Nigerian.

I have two children but we lost one. When we lost the child, he avoided me and was not coming to me.

The lady he impregnated when he was in school then was with him, he came back with his relatives and they pleaded that I should start afresh. My relatives ordered him to do the normal thing he should do on his new bride, which he did.

We are having difficulties in bearing another child and he is dating another lady.

Please I am confused because I can’t stand another woman in his life.

Mrs. Afi. 

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Dear Mrs Afi,

That marriage is everlasting-to-everlasting doesn’t make it immunised against painful challenges and nightmares. Just like our destinies and faces are different so also are the experiences we have to pass through in life.

For this reason your marriage would only come with challenges God in his wisdom and mercies know you can cope with. He has patented our problems to suit the abilities he invested in us.

I appreciate that it isn’t easy knowing that one’s spouse is cheating, but it could be worse. At least you are aware of his deceit and must therefore make all emotional as well as psychological preparations to deal and live with this problem. Count yourself lucky because some women don’t even get to know about this until perhaps the man dies and all the children from different women begin to make their presence felt or they come when the woman least expects.

Majority of these women don’t ever get over it because over the years they have come to trust their husbands so much, elevating these men to the status of angels on earth. In your case, you have no such illusion, hence would not be disappointed or bitter when you discover if he has other children.

Rather than waste so much time and passion on feeling bad over this tendency of his, use it to build your strength as well as the foundation of your marriage.

Don’t nag or worry about your inability to conceive. Medically, there is no way you would be able to conceive with you worrying over his infidelity or ability to tie him down with another child. One sad but vivid fact is that a man who has the tendency to stray doesn’t need the excuse of his wife’s inability to have children to do what he wants to do. Even if you give him all the children in the world, he would still do what he wants because this is where he gets his kicks. It is like an addiction which a lot of men find difficult to resist. Deep down, your husband knows it is something he shouldn’t do but simply cannot resist the urge to.

A wise woman rather than fight him physically or make the home uncomfortable for him would take the matter to God on her knees. Pray him out of this habit because your happiness is dependent on it. This is what you should tell God. He is waiting for you to ask him to fully take charge. Resenting or nagging him is akin to telling God not to bother but if you continue to make him feel like the lord of his home by being respectful and supportive despite the hurt is unleashing on you, you leave God with no choice but to leave you to fight for yourself.

The next step is to stop blaming his infidelity on your inability to conceive. You are not barren, at least your two children are evidence of that fact. That you lost one is sad but you still have one who you should devote time to giving the best of life. No matter how much you wish for another child if God says you can’t have another, there is nothing you can do despite the advanced nature of modern sciences. There are still a lot of women who, no matter their wealth and medical help available to them; simply cannot get pregnant. In your case, you were not only able to get pregnant but have a child to show for it.

You are worried because you have placed on your focus and attention on your husband and your inability to conceive as quick as you would want.

The damage you do to yourself taking the blame for his attitude would be more severe than what he is doing to you in terms of your health.

The woman’s body isn’t a very friendly package for stress, especially as you are trying to conceive. It locks up all the natural processes of your body, making your hormones behave differently from the way they are supposed to.

Also, worries make one grey and wrinkle faster than normal. By then your husband would have a very strong reason, not just an excuse to bring in another woman. So snap out of your challenge because if truth be told, you don’t have a problem which other women aren’t managing.

Leaving him isn’t even a choice you should contemplate because the challenge that awaits you in the house or life of another man may be a real problem, one that could be life threatening.

To win him, look at the women he is always going after. What is common to them all apart from their relationship with your husband? Even though most men don’t have reason to go out of their homes but they always have excuses. What are his excuses? Has it to do with the way you dress, cook; your housekeeping or attitude? Could it be sexual?

The battle for happiness is usually devoid of pride. Set aside yours and do what you have to do in addition to prayers to win him back.

If he is the type who has a very soft spot for trendy clothes don’t hesitate to change your wardrobe as well as your cooking skills. Ask his family members, especially his mother if she is still alive or his sisters about his favourite food. If the need be go and learn how to cook his native meals. Nothing engages the heart of a man like good food and perfect housekeeping. Treat him like a mini god by overlooking all his faults and focusing on the very first thing that made you leave all the men in your country for him.

Something very special must have attracted you to him in the beginning. Hold on to that initial dream and quality; it is the only way you would have the peace of mind to fight for your marriage.

There is no battle patience, humility and tolerance cannot defeat. No matter how bad a man is, deep down is a conscience. Appeal to that conscience by remaining a good and obedient wife. A time would come when all the women would disappear from his life, when he comes to the realisation that he has a priceless gem in you. It is then you would reap all your investment of selflessness and patience. The stage your marriage is in now is the time of planting and tending.

I know it is not easy but you just must have the zeal to endure the pains now. Don’t worry, his time to plant and invest in the marriage is coming but only if you do your side of the bargain now would you be able to harvest the happiness his time of planting would bring your way.

All those other women are not important to him and allowing them to affect your peace of mind is to accord them the importance they don’t deserve at all. The stability of your home should be your concern because if you make the mistake of leaving him, another would take your place even before you get to your family home. So don’t give him or any of these women any chance to be happy at your expense.

The child would come at only God’s appointed time so relax and enjoy being a woman, wife and mother to the child you have.

Good luck