I don’t want to love her more than necessary

Dear Agatha, I have been in a relationship with this lady for some few years now. I just realized that this lady has taken over my heart. Hardly do I stay without thinking of her even if my mind is on other things. Please is there a way to reduce the level of love that I have for this lady because it is getting too much for me? Painfully, I realized she doesn’t love me that much due to some of the things she has done. Please how can I reduce the volume of love I have for her? You will be doing me a great favour by helping with this problem. Iyke. Dear Iyke, It isn’t such a bad idea to be in love with the woman in your life. As long as you are both focused, appreciate the reason for your coming together as an item, you don’t have anything to worry about. Why not call your friend for a personal discussion on how you both want the relationship to proceed. First, both of you have to examine the crux of this relationship. If you are unable to pinpoint the reason you went in this relationship with your partner, then something is very wrong somewhere-a valid cause for you to query your feelings as you are doing now. The natural question is; what you had in mind when you approached her for a relationship? What was your motive; to date her for the fun of it or with the hope of spending your entire life together? If your aim was to simply pass through her life, then your reason for being worried about falling deeply in love with her becomes better clearer. You are apprehensive because you never planned to have her in your life for a long time. Therefore, your current feelings present you with issues you never bargained for. It happens. But the best approach isn’t to fight our feelings or hurt the future that is budding. This is because our sub- consciousness recognizes long before we do, what is good for us. It gives us the sign in the way we feel but often than not, we are blinded by our own inordinate desires to pay attention to the silent voice inside of us. This is why we often suffer from disappointment. Love isn’t something that can be controlled. It has a life of its own and happens when and where you don’t expect it. This you must appreciate. Therefore, it is worthless to question your feelings for this lady or even attempt to fight it. Instead you should probe deeper into your mind, why you are falling deeper and deeper in love with her? It is essential to avoid disappointment later in life. As it is, your inner person recognizes something special in this woman you haven’t been able to. Rather than fight your feelings for her, why not try to find out why you are feeling this way? There is something this woman must be doing right to make your heart fond of her against your will. You can never know unless you allow yourself to find out what it is. Bring out your note book and jot down the things you don’t like about her; the reasons you want to scale down your feelings for her. On another fresh page, write down the things she does that make you want to be with her-those qualities you think you cannot find in another woman. This is the junction you tell yourself the whole truth. You cannot afford to do less because your life is pegged on you doing it right. It is only after you are sure of what your true feelings are, that you can talk intelligently on what your true feelings really are. She has to know what your new feelings towards her. Chances are that she is misbehaving and, refusing to allow her heart totally embrace you because of how you both started. If from the beginning, you gave her the impression that you weren’t particularly serious about her, only wanted a casual affair with her, it would be hard for her to give you total commitment. But sitting her down for further discussion and commitments; would help her put things in their right perspective. It is only after you have done this, and there is no change in her attitude, that you can think of scaling down your feelings for her. As it is now, it would be unfair for you to condemn your relationship with this woman based on the current status of your relationship. For some inexplicable reasons, we tend to throw away the most important things in life until it is too late to have them back. This is why a lot of us end up with the wrong persons as life partners. Prevent this from happening to you by taking early steps to be happy in life. The best way is to end the relationship to avoid destroying each other or creating problems in other relationships both of you would go into. Good luck.

Lonely Heart I need an Igbo man in my life

Dear Agatha, I am 33, single with one beautiful child that means the world to me. I’m looking for a genuine and sincere man between 33- 45 (with all due respect boys with swags are not applicable) who can accept me the way I am. I’m not rich yet I can support my partner any day if God blesses me with a wonderful one. He should be from the same geographical region- South East. If you are not Igbo, don’t bother. I have to be honest. It isn’t as if the other tribes are not good but this is what I want. Physical appearance isn’t important to me but he should at least look presentable. He must be drug and alcohol free A devoted Christian; Anglican will be a plus. He should be family oriented. Should be willing to love me and my child. Must be independent, mustn’t be rich since I can’t ask for what I can’t afford myself. The following qualities are very much important to me: Honesty, trust, openness, faithfulness and tolerance. Above all, he must be a one woman man and willing to settle down. I’m not into boyfriend girlfriend stuff. I hate cheats. If interested, contact me at, Chimerem13@yahoo.com.de

He wants intimacy as compensation for dating his wife

Dear Agatha, I am in a very nasty fix and don’t know how to get out of it. I work in one of the better established banks and in 2009, I met and dated this lady that was posted to our branch as a corper. We were an item for over nine months, but when she left for her Masters’ program abroad, the relationship sort of fizzled out. Given that she had introduced me to a couple of her family members including her cousin, I walked up to say hello to this cousin of hers, when I bumped into her at a party at Victoria Island. To cut a long story short, I dated this lady for over a year. After a while she and I parted amicably as we both had incompatible visions. However during the time I dated her, she too had introduced me to my first girl friend’s elder sister. When my first girl friend’s elder sister found out that I was no longer with her cousin, she got in touch with me and did not hide her intention of dating me. After a while, she introduced me to the family as we both felt that the relationship was going somewhere. However, we eventually drifted apart when it became obvious to her that I was not quite ready to settle down. My current dilemma is that her mother being a bit of a looker and a society lady, felt attracted to me and we eventually hooked up. During one of our secret liaisons in their house, we were caught pants down by her husband who happens to be well connected. He was calm about the whole thing; he handled the situation by politely asking me to leave his house and never to come back. I do not know how this man got hold of my number, but he called me to demand for a meeting which I was in no position to refuse. When we met, he told me that since I had slept with his two daughters, his niece and wife, that he feels left out. He is threatening to ensure I lose my job as well as make my life miserable in Lagos, if he does not get his share of my body. Agatha, I am not gay and feel quite repulsed about the whole idea. He has given me up to this week to perform, otherwise…..Help. Valentino. Dear Valentino, You feel repulsed by what he is asking you to do? But you were not disgusted sleeping with daughters and mother or with another man’s wife under his roof? This is what comes out of being insensitive, indiscriminating and generally irresponsible. If you weren’t irresponsible and selfish, you won’t date two sisters, not to talk of three and their mother. Even if their mother offered you all the gold in the world to sleep with her after sleeping with her two daughters, did you have to accept her invitation and doing it inside her matrimonial home? What were you thinking? Accepting not only to date a married woman, but one whose daughters you have dated? In this man’s shoes, what would you have done catching a boy your daughter brought home as her future husband having sex with your wife right under your roof? If this man is demanding you sleep with him as well after all the commotions you have caused in his house and family, who can blame him? You advertised yourself as a young man who isn’t discriminating, who has no respect for the feelings of others at all. So why should you care if this man is asking you to date him since you appear to have a fixation on his family members? If you can sleep with his wife, daughters and niece, he reasons you might as well sleep with him since the world, no, appears to be absent in your dictionary. This man you have obviously hurt deeply feels he is only offering you what you like to do. You are a very lucky young man he didn’t kill you because what you did is enough for another man to terminate your life. You have injured this man in that place where it touches him the most. Do you know the pains he carries as a father seeing you drop one daughter and a niece for another? Can you even begin to imagine his ache when his elder daughter brought you home as the man she plans to spend her life with after you have dated her younger sister? You didn’t need anyone to tell you not to have encouraged the sister after dating two women from the same family. Yes you can argue that the elder daughter initiated the relationship but, if you have a little moral, you would have declined especially as you knew deep down you were only playing the field with her. To add his wife to your list of conquests in his family was very provocative. And the guts having sex with her, under his roof, is what is making this man very determined to destroy you. I suspect this man isn’t really into what he is asking you to do but, is out to make your life miserable; destroy whatever it is that makes you so confident to farm only in his compound. Even if this man didn’t protest, God will because you violated this man’s matrimonial home. Never mind that his wife approached you for a relationship, wisdom and respect for the sanctity of the marriage institution should have made you run away from her considering that you too would one day get married. When you were sleeping with her in her husband’s house, did you ever pause to think of her marital status and how you are helping her to destroy her home? Did you consider the pains you would be causing her husband and family if they found out what you had done? What about her daughters you slept with? Did you put into consideration that the woman you were sleeping with bore them? Even if the woman is morally bankrupt and lacking of the essential ingredients to qualify her as a responsible mother and good example of womanhood, did you have to oblige her request? Aren’t there single women out there you could easily have continued your sexual fantasies with? Did you for one second consider the possibility of someone sleeping with your own wife one day, while you were sleeping with this woman? One way to get out of this issue is to first accept that you were wrong. From the tone of your letter, you aren’t repentant; just worried about what the man is asking you to do. To get out of this mess your lust put you, you must first acknowledge you were very wrong. You cannot plant sorrow in a man’s heart and life and expect to reap sweetness in your own life. You have done too much harm to this man. Go and look for who to beg that will talk to him. Not only have you destroyed this man’s home but you have also ruined him as a man. You need to find ways of really appealing to him to forgive you even though the harm you caused him will never mend. Whatever you do, ensure he forgives you. Through his daughter, you can get the name of someone he respects who can join you in appealing to him. Also ask for God’s forgiveness in this matter. It is essential. It is important you learn from this by conducting your affairs with more decorum in future. Chances are this happened to save you from a more grievous danger in future. If you are wise, you will move closer to God and stay focused in life. Very promising careers of many young men and women have been buried permanently by their reckless and insatiable thirst for sex. Good luck.

I like him, despite violating me

Dear Agatha, I am a final year student in the university. I met this guy in a social night, my department organised. He wasn’t a student. His friend invited him to the event. He seemed cool and nice to me. In the course of our discussion, I discovered we were from the same hometown. Eventually, he said he really liked me and wanted a serious relationship with me. I decided to give it a trial. One evening, he decided we should hangout. We did and it got late. Since I could not go back to the hostel, I passed the night in his house. He dropped me off in his house and went out again. He came back in the morning and wanted sex. I told him he was rather too fast since we just met. He kept insisting he liked me and had no intention of using and dumping me. I opened up to him that I was a virgin and wanted to keep myself until my wedding night. I requested for a sexless relationship. Immediately, he started pledging his everlasting love, care and respect and insisted on having his way. When I declined he forced me. I struggled and begged but to no avail. He locked his doors, seized my clothes and phone. He told me whether I liked it or not, he must deflower me that day. He kept repeating that he really liked me and would not dump me. He said my tears did not move him. He forced himself on me. I was in severe pains and while I was screaming, he kept apologizing and encouraging me to endure the pains; that it would soon be over. He said all sorts of things to me; including having everything to make me happy. I was so devastated and afraid it would affect me in my examination that was to start in two days from that incident. After I left him that day, I did not take his calls. My surprise is that I am not even angry with him and that the incidence didn’t really affect me or made me to hate him. I find myself rather still liking him. The last time he called, I asked him never to call me again but when he called again, I could not ignore it. He still wants to see me. Please help me. I don’t know what to do. Loveth. Dear Loveth, There are so many things wrong with your story. For instance why did you stay so late with a man you hardly know? Why didn’t you end the outing when you discovered it was getting late for you to go to your hostel? By staying that late with him, you encouraged the situation. When you realized it was getting late, you should have insisted he took you back to your hostel. Had you insisted in a public place, his reactions would have given you a preview into his kind of temperament. There are certain things a man cannot hide; one of them is masking the kind of aggressive character that would make him rape a woman. Such traits don’t develop overnight; they are always inherent in the man who has the tendency to. His intentions were well thought out and executed. Had you been more observant, your insistence to leave early would have brought to fore his frustration which would have manifested his true nature for you to see. The fact that you stayed out late with him, encouraged and emboldened him to take advantage of you. Also, why didn’t you insist on him taking you back to the hostel rather than his house, no matter the time? The fact that you didn’t, compromised you in ways you cannot explain to yourself let alone those around you. You may have been a virgin but didn’t display an understanding of an undergraduate at all. The lesson here is for you never to trust a man you are just meeting. Trust should be earned to given to anyone. There is also the tiny issue of him leaving you all night and coming back in the morning. That too, gave you the opportunity to be ready to leave immediately he came back. The fact that you weren’t ready when he came back in the morning, sent out a very wrong signal about your kind of person. For a girl who is a virgin; just finding out about the character of a man, you left too many things to chance. Telling him you were a virgin at the time he wanted to have sex with you was a miscalculation. It only served to stimulate his ambition. A normal man would have backed off at that point, but not a man who is selfish. He left you all night to fight the urge raging inside him; he wanted to avoid what eventually happened but lost the battle when he found out that you were a virgin. Finding you untouched further fueled his desires for you. Well, the harm had been done. The decision really is yours to make but you need to munch on these points in arriving at how you want to handle him in future. No matter his excuses and your slips, he is guilty of forcing himself on you; more so, in deflowering you. This isn’t the kind of man to trust at all. If he is capable of doing it once, he will do it again. For you, he took away the most precious time and gift of your womanhood. Responsible men don’t go about raping women. Therefore, be careful because his words and promises lack credibility. This kind of man can become violent in other ways. Sexual violence has led to the deaths of many women in and out of relationships. What if he had injured you in the process of you struggling with him? A lot of women have gotten killed in their struggles to avoid being raped by a man. Any man who abuses a woman the way he did to you, should be avoided by a reasonable woman. The fact that he showed no remorse is a dangerous signal you should take into consideration. This presents him as one of those men who hold the view that women are meant to be conquered in all fronts. The danger of living with this kind of man is that he will never completely treat you with the kind of respect you deserve as a woman; no matter what he says, when the chips are down, he will apply violence to bend you to his wishes. The sincere question you should ask yourself is, can you cope with this kind of man who may never completely exhibit the compassion that a woman needs to come to full accomplishment of herself in life? For now, your emotions maybe confusing, but you need to appreciate that you are the one who has lost so much; your virginity and dignity as a woman. Responsibility, is knowing when to draw the line between selfishness and selflessness. What makes a man absolutely responsible is how he treats the woman in his life. The nature of the man is to be stimulated by sight but, a reasonable man has to be able to control his emotions at all times else he ends up becoming a rapist. The important question is can you cope with a rapist? Can you defend his actions against other women including your close friends and sisters? The cycle of respect is all embracing. If he can violate you, what assurances do you have that he won’t do the same thing to other women around you? Can you trust and stand by him if another woman comes up tomorrow to accuse him of raping her? When you look back to your first time as a woman, would you ever be able to forgive and completely forget the brutality of his actions? Given the promises he made to care for you and what he did to you, can you ever believe in his words as a man to you? Since you are unable to get him out of your system, arrange for a meeting with him to discuss these issues with him. Ask him why he raped you even when he knew you were a virgin and was making promises to take care of you? Violating you and the promises he made to you are worlds apart. They are two strange bedfellows that don’t go together. Even if you think you can continue with him, let him know he has to earn your trust in more ways than he knows. Importantly, you don’t have to give in to him cheaply. Forcing himself on you could be his way of ensuring you stay his’ forever. Don’t be fooled by your feelings. Think with your head and not your heart to avoid being taken for granted by this man whose only interest in you could be your body. Frankly these aren’t good signals but like I said, the choice is yours to make. Good luck.

My stepson ‘feasts’ on my daughter

Dear Agatha, I have this huge problem. I am so confused and don’t know what to do about it. I discovered recently that my stepson has been sleeping with my nine-year-old daughter. The boy in question is 16. I actually walked in on them one night when I had reason to go to their room unannounced. Unfortunately, my husband was out of town, so I was the only one left to deal with the issue. And what frightened me was that my daughter appeared to be enjoying it. According to my daughter, it had been going on for sometime now. They share the same room, since we live in a two-bedroom apartment. My daughter told me it started one night while the father and I were away. She said they watched a film together where two adults were kissing and doing funny things together. My investigations revealed he got the film from his friend in the next compound. My husband is naturally very angry about it, but my major problem now is that the boy is still living in the house with us. Despite my insistence that the boy leaves, my husband appears unable to make a firm decision. I have threatened to quit the marriage unless his son leaves my house. What should I do, as my children and I cannot stay in the same house with the boy? My husband says if he were my son, would I send him away? But the issue is that he has destroyed my innocent daughter. I am also considering reporting the matter to the police, since my husband appears unable to take a decisive action. The boy blames it on the devil; but my fear is, if nothing is done to make him pay for what he has done to my daughter, he will do it to another innocent child. Worried Mother. Dear Worried Mother, You are right to be apprehensive. As long as the two of them continue to stay together in the same house and room, there is no stopping them from doing it. It is unfortunate that such a thing is happening in your home and marriage. Sincerely, there is no easy way out of this because your daughter has to be protected at all costs. Her entire life and psychological well-being rest on you. This is the time she needs you the most. Since your husband appears unable to take a firm decision concerning his son, you may have to, for now, take your daughter out of the house; perhaps a girls’ boarding school, as a way out of the impasse. Your husband is unable to take a firm decision because the children involved are his. Like you, he is in a fix and only bidding his time. Telling him to send the boy away may appear harsh to him. With him in this mood and feeling that your demand that he sends his son away, it would be a futile exercise to insist on anything at this point in time. The matter is extremely hot to try to force a decision on him. I honestly understand how you feel, but give him time to make up his mind while you take all steps to help your daughter live a normal life. Once your daughter is out of the house, be assured that he would want the matter revisited, since your daughter cannot live outside her father’s house permanently. One of the ways this matter can be resolved is for the boy to be sent to school and, while on holidays, stay with his mother. If his mother is dead, he can stay with any of his relatives. If he has to stay at home, ensure your daughter isn’t at home. The need to keep them apart is because sex is addictive. If together, the temptation will always be there for them to do it all over again. This is so because she has gotten used to it to the point of enjoying the act. Granted, you caught both of them in the act, but it would be hard to prove that he really violated your daughter. From her account, it could be either way, something both of them wanted and did out of curiosity at first. If you report to the police and, under interrogation, she says the boy didn’t force himself on her, what would you do? Your concern should rather be on her own acceptance of the act as an enjoyable one. This is where you should concentrate more efforts, because this is where the danger and challenge really is. At every opportunity you have, draw your daughter close and make the effort to discuss with her as an adult. Unlike other girls her age, she has experienced sex and taken a liking to it. Now, it isn’t a matter of how she got introduced to it, but her attitude to it. Sad as it may appear and sound, her case has gone beyond rape to that of management of her own desires as a woman. To ignore this fact is to mortgage her future. She needs you to help her come to terms with what happened to her as well as manage her desires in such a way she is able to live a normal and healthy life. A lot of issues may later develop from this incident, and if you are not on top of it, you may find yourself in particular living in the pains of your discovery forever. To be of immense help to your daughter, you must resist bitterness or making any harsh decision on this matter. One of them is to transfer your growing hatred for the child to your husband and marriage. Don’t forget that the girl involved is his daughter, just as the boy is his son. No father prays to witness his children sleeping with each other. Both of you are allowing the pains of your discovery get the better of you. You are both not fair to yourselves and children. If you allow your marriage to crash, the burden would be too much for you and your daughter to shoulder. For her, it would always be at the back of her mind that she had something to do with the failure of your marriage and you will never be able to move on due to the burden of guilt, hatred and bitterness that would take over your life. You need your husand, as much as he needs you. Besides, you also need to find out from the boy why he did what he did. While I am not trying to justify what he did, he also needs help. If nothing is done to help him out of the abyss he is headed, he risks being condemned forever. Let him see a psychologist, to enable him understand the gravity of what he has done as well as the danger of this act to his future. If you report him to the police, you also would be exposing your daughter to undue publicity, the ridicule and gossip of those you think are your friend. It may not matter now, but all these would come to play some day when she is ready to settle down. Gossips have a way of giving new flesh to already dry bones when they are out to make life miserable for someone. It is this future you should consider in the case of your daughter. No matter how civilised we get, this kind of incident everywhere in the world is a stigma. The woman is the one left to protect her reputation. Every family has its skeleton to hide. This is your own family secret. Another thing you can do is to seek the mother out if she is still alive. Get her involved. She may have just the right answer to this deadlock in your home. If she agrees to take her son, care for him and make him responsible, you won’t need to put your daughter in a boarding school. Although this lesson is costing you so much, it isn’t right after a while to keep boys and girls in the same room these days. There is too much information at the disposal of today’s children. They can access whatever kind of information they want straight from the internet through their phones or computer. Many of them may be innocent physically, but their minds are more matured than even those of their grandparents. It is the power of advanced technology and free information. Leaving a 16-year-old boy with a nine-year-old girl alone in a room was too much of a risk, even if they are your children. Some young girls at that age have started to sprout. It is always best to err on the side of caution than regrets. This is the reality of modern life. Another thing you may not want to hear now is, how well have you treated this boy? Chances are, if you are the kind of stepmother who doesn’t treat her stepchildren well, that it could have been pre-planned to hurt you back. It is sad that the man gets blamed when issues like this happen, but it could just be the fault of the girl too. Honestly, you have a huge task ahead of you to find out what the whole story is. It would really help you resolve so many issues you have been blind to in your home. Be brave to face whatever comes out of it with the maturity this issue deserves. Good luck.

His attitude has changed

Dear Agatha, Thank you for being there for us. May the Lord continue to be your strength and give you more wisdom in Jesus name. I have been dating my current boyfriend for six years. He happens to be the one sponsoring my education. Recently, he travelled out of the country and is back. But since coming back from his trip, a lot of things have changed concerning his attitude towards me and our relationship. He doesn’t seem to have the time for me anymore. These days, he limits his relationship with me to sex and money. He doesn’t care if I am happy or not. When he came back, most of his friends and mine told me to get pregnant for him before he travels again. In their opinion, this would make him change his mind about traveling out again. Can you imagine that he left me at home and went out with his friends. I was so annoyed with him. In fairness, he apologised and promised to take me out. Contrary to what he promised me, he also went out with his friends and when I reminded him of our arrangement to be together, he said he had to keep his promise to his friends to spend sometime with them. He however promised to be back early. Based on this, I waited for him at home; to my pains he didn’t come, on the day he went out. I am really tired of everything as well as reporting him to his parents. They are always begging me to forgive him but I noticed that they are incapable of cautioning him against his treatment of me. I have been telling them I cannot cope with his kind of person. As it is, I am afraid of getting pregnant because of all that I have observed about him. I have tried unsuccessfully to talk to him but he simply has refused to change. The situation remains the same. Please what do I do? I don’t want to offend him because of what we have both been through. When I met him, there was nobody to help me. I am who I am because of his efforts in my life. Despite his attitude towards me, he still cares for me but I am becoming increasingly unhappy because of this attitude of his. Although he trusts me but I want to be happy and don’t deserve what he is doing to me at all. Betty. Dear Betty, You need a lot of patience, attitude of tolerance and understanding to overcome this challenge. Doubtless, the picture you painted on the surface appears hopeless but there is always a lesson in every experience we go through in life. The lesson is to help us go into the next stage or class in the school called life. There is no way you can go into the next stage if you don’t pass the stage you are in now. Your solution is in your ability to focus and harmonise every issue involved in your relationship. To get it right, you need to go back to the very beginning for possible clues as to why he is behaving this way. You need to do this urgently to avoid masking the real issues with the wrong colours. You also have to ask yourself what your real motives are. People don’t change dramatically from who they are overnight. To get a clear picture of what is really happening between the two of you begin the perspective from yourself. I must warn of the need for you to be absolutely honest with yourself. The truth you tell holds the key to your future happiness. Has he always been like this? If yes, how have you coped with him and if no, at what point did he change? When did you begin to realise you cannot cope with his behavior anymore? Importantly, do you really love him for who he is or what you are getting from him? As a matter of fact, have you ever loved him? Honest answers would help clear a lot of the confusion currently enveloping your relationship. For instance, if he has always been like that, what has changed to make you feel suddenly tired of him and his lifestyle? Is that you have suddenly realised that after being with him for six years, he has become too complicated a man for you or that you can no longer bear to tolerate his presence in your life? I am not saying you don’t have the right to terminate the relationship or to complain about his behavior, far from it but it is in your interest to be properly focused on your reasons. If he has changed, don’t just blame him for everything. Ask yourself how you contributed to it. Look at all the things he has complained about your person. If he likes parties, do you? How often has he tried to get you involved in his kind of lifestyle, get you interested in going to the places he likes? How many times have you resisted his gesture to make you comfortable with his friends? Often we make the mistake of condemning people even before we get to meet them. What efforts have you made to bridge the gap of differences between your persons? A relationship can become so boring if a couple cannot find a point of equilibrium. The fact that he left you at home to enjoy in the company of his friends tell two stories; either that he finds your company boring or that you have refused to flow with the company of his friends. No matter how intolerable you find the behavior of his friends, the fact that your man seems to like them, means you should try to accommodate them. Making it appear he has to make a choice between you and his friends only complicates things. Even if you think his friends are not good for him, there are ways of putting a distance between them without making it obvious to him. For all you know, these friends you don’t want him to associate with, may be the ones instigating his new behavior against you. These friends can deliberately set out to make things difficult between the two of you if they perceive you to be hostile to them. This is why wisdom is required in dealing with issues in every relationship. Try to make a positive change in the areas you know you are weak. It would go a long way in doing what words, nagging cannot do. If he has always been like this, how did you put up with him all these years? Why are you suddenly realising he is a very difficult man? There is no arguing the fact that sometimes, one get fed up of putting up with a situation but don’t you think, your motive would be suspected if you leave him after he has taken the task of paying your way through school? And would you have considered ending the marriage if you two had been married? This is the juncture you really ask yourself the question you may never have bothered to ask yourself all the years you dated him: the one concerning what you really feel for him? There is nothing true love cannot make right. It is what makes sacrifices easy to make in every relationship. He has made and is still making the sacrifice of paying for your empowerment and comfort. What sacrifice are you willing to make for him? Honestly, you can get a lot of your fun back if you really love him. It is a simple matter of looking back to that thing you really like about him. Often than not, we forget to remember those special qualities in our loved ones over the years. This is because we are in the habits of taking our partners especially, for granted. He may not be listening to you if you are doing it the wrong way. Sometimes it isn’t what we say that is the issue, but how we say it. You could say what you have been saying for years in a different way and get instant result. If you have sat him down to discuss what you feel is wrong with your relationship without him changing, why not sit him down to ask what you are doing wrong? Don’t assume or make him feel he is the problem in the relationship. What this does is to immediately put him on the defensive and very unreceptive to whatever you have to say whereas, if you allow him run away with the impression that you are more to blame, he would not only listen but also admit to his own challenges. You must learn from this early to build confidence, trust, sacrifices, selflessness and tolerance into your relationship. Between two people, a lot of things can go wrong just as the same things can be put right with the right attitude. Whatever is the problem, go to your man with a clear mind and focus on taking the relationship beyond this point. The idea of leaving should come only after you have done everything humanly possible and praying about it. Good luck.

I caught my father in bed with my wife

Dear Agatha, I caught my father in bed with my less than a year old wife. Ironically this happened a day after she told me that she was carrying my baby. The strange thing is that my father and wife are behaving as if nothing out of the ordinary happened. My father simply got up from my matrimonial bed and ordered me to follow him. In my living room, he gave me a cheque of N25m to buy myself a car of my choice while my wife went into the kitchen to prepare dinner. The whole thing appeared to be like a movie as I looked from my father to my wife. A presence more powerful than me held me down, preventing me from going after either my father or wife. I eventually summoned the courage to move and found myself going towards my mother’s apartment. When I got there and narrated the whole incident to her, she begged me not to fight or say anything about it to anybody. My elder brother who came into my mother’s apartment while I was narrating the incident, laughed and patted me on my shoulders without saying anything. My immediate elder sister, who has refused to come back to Nigeria from London since she left eight years ago, wasn’t surprised by my story. She only told me to take things easy and not try to make trouble with my wife if I valued my life. I am the last born of three children and the favorite of my father in particular. That night, my mother came into our apartment to take my wife with her. I didn’t sleep throughout the night wondering what strange things were going on in my family. The next day as early as 6a.m., my father came over to my apartment to more or less warn me about trying to make trouble. He told me what I witnessed was beyond me and that it would continue to be the pattern until he got tired. After he left, I ran to my friend’s place who in turn took me to Epe to consult with a spiritualist. Without much ado, the spiritualist, told me that I will learn to live with the situation else I would become insane if I try to challenge my father. He said, not even my mother can challenge my father. He said, my father has gone too far to change and that things have been damaged beyond repairs in the things he has done to us; that it would take the grace of God for my siblings and I to overcome the spiritual problems my father in his quest for power, money and fame has done. He too advised me to continue to tolerate the situation by accepting to live with my wife who he said, was brought into my life by my father for his purpose. Two days after our visit, the friend that took me is critically ill in the hospital. doctors are yet to say what precisely is wrong with him. I don’t need anybody to tell me where the attack is coming from. This has made me very determined to fight my father to a standstill. I want to confront and expose him for all his friends and associates to know who he really is. I am yet to return home after that day. At night I keep seeing my father in my dream telling me to come home for my own good. My mother and elder brother have been relentless on the phone urging me to come back home. We all live within the massive family compound which is actually a mini estate as all our domestic employees with their family live within the compound. My father doesn’t allow anyone working for him in the house to live outside the premises. He insists on it and has a school bus that takes all the children of his staff to and from school, my mother runs. Please help me as I am so confused. I feel sorry for everybody in that house. How do I challenge my father and still be alive to tell my story. I feel so helpless and lost. Do save me Agatha. Helpless Son. Dear Helpless Son, I cannot save or protect you. Only God can. To fight a father like yours, you need first to connect and know God. Without Him, you can never win this battle. This is one clash way above you. Besides, it is a blood battle involving your parents, who know everything about your origin. Don’t also neglect the fact that God gave them the authority over you as vessels that brought you into this world. Unless you are specially protected by God, whatever they decree about you will happen. This is the real danger you are into. Your mother who has the spiritual power to neutralize your father’s authority over you, is on this with your father leaving you orphaned in this battle. Also, if you decide to go physical he could easily declare you insane; he has the money, connection and authority to do that. It would be his words against your own. All those people you cite as being under his spell would be the very ones he will use to declare you insane. So you see, this isn’t a battle you go into without having God on your side. Exposing him to his friends will not make any difference because there is the probability these so called friends are in the same society as your father. As a matter of fact, you will be making more enemies for yourself making such moves. If your mother who should rise to protect her children is unwilling to do so, is infact complacent about her husband sleeping with her daughter-in-law, who are you to fight him? Situations like the one you have described, need good wisdom to overcome. It is also requires careful patience and planning. Given recent developments in your family, your father is on his guard, prepared to match you violence for violence; as a matter of fact, he is willing to sacrifice you rather than to risk everything. Everything that makes him your father is dead. He sees you as the enemy so be careful and mindful of the great danger you are in. Don’t tell anybody where you are putting up to avoid what happened to the friend who took you to the spiritualist. Also avoid patronizing spiritualists as they are very capable of adding to your problems. They don’t have the power which God has to protect you from consequences of your foundation. Besides, some of them derive their powers from the same place your father got his power from. There is no way they can confront your father because a house divided against itself cannot stand. Therefore, your best bet is to remain under the canopy of God. Wherever you are, there is the urgent need for you to talk to God. The fact that you are able to resist your father in the way you are doing underscores your spiritual superiority over him. Chances are he has also slept with your elder brother’s wife. Unlike you, he is not able to challenge your father. To be completely free of him and his powers, stop spending his money or using anything that comes from his money. You have to learn to make sacrifices, become self-dependent as well as finding yourself an apartment outside your father’s vast estate. As long as you depend on his money and resources, you might never win this battle you have set for yourself. It will weaken your position as well as compromise you. When you didn’t know the source of his wealth, you could escape the punishment but now that you know, it will count against you. Being a highly spiritual battle, you have to learn to pray and fast to gain access into the presence of God whose authority you must submit to completely come out of this in one piece. To help you, pray He directs you to the Person who will join and direct your cause. Out there, is someone He has prepared to join you in this confrontation with your father; you need Him to introduce both of you. The fact that your father keeps appearing to you at night makes the matter of prayer extremely urgent. Also, pray for spiritual recovery of your friend so he doesn’t die for helping you. This is where you should begin your prayers. Their aim is to isolate you from people who may want to help you find a solution. As long as you trust God, you will overcome. Good luck.

When is it right for a girl to have a boyfriend?

Dear Agatha, I am 18 and already being asked out by different men, both young and old. When I was 16, I had an adventure with a man, my lesson teacher which almost ruined my life. He tricked me into sleeping with him with the promise that a woman doesn’t get pregnant by doing it once. But for the help of my elder sister, my mother would have discovered I was three months pregnant. The worst thing is I didn’t know and when I went to inform him about my state, he denied me. It was my elder sister I turned to who took me to a doctor. As a result of the experience, I stayed off men until now that demand from men is almost choking. Besides, I am in two hundred levels. I want to know if it is alright to date men now and how I can avoid getting pregnant. I also want to know how to avoid sexual harassment from lecturers some who are already threatening to fail me if I don’t play ball. A lot of my friends are doing it and not hiding the fact they are using their bodies to pass examinations. I want to be guided by you. Also, at what age is it permissible for a young girl to go into a relationship? Juile. Dear Julie, First and foremost, be focused. It is essential you know what you have gone to school to do. It isn’t just about passing but, being able to defend your certificate. There are a lot of people who claim to be graduates but are no better than illiterates. At the end of the day, they not only embarrass themselves but call to question the image and prestige of the schools they claim they graduated from. As a young lady, always stand firm in the belief that you can be the best without compromising yourself. Refuse to be intimidated and if a lecturer persists or threatens to fail you on account of your refusal to sleep with him, you have various options available to you in checkmating him. This is why we have, the university senate, human rights activists and the media. Granted it could make you somehow unpopular among lecturers in your school but it would deter other lecturers from preying on the bodies of their female students. Because friends will always be part of your life, you must discover your own strength; carve a niche for yourself as well as the techniques of being your own person. Rather than be a part of the crowd, learn to be different and lead the crowd instead. Always remember, you are not your friends hence you must not behave like them at all. They are behaving that way because they are comfortable with the situation so why do something you are not comfortable with? Your example can help those friends of yours who have been brain washed to think they don’t have any choice in the matter know what their options are. Furthermore, you would be helping to preserve the integrity of the school in more ways than those randy lecturers realize. Like you have found out from your early experience; unplanned sexual escapades often than not, result in severe consequences for the girl. You got pregnant and would have ruined your future simply because one man deceived you into having sex with him by lying to you that a woman cannot get pregnant if she has sex once with a man. Although that abortion you did could have cost you your life, damaged your womb, that you are alive today is God’s grace. Don’t abuse it by taking unnecessary risks that could further devalue your womb as a woman. Go into a relationship with the right attitude. At 18 and in the university, you have attained maturity. This isn’t by age but what you have been able to achieve in terms of educational advancement. There are a lot of young girls older than you who can’t go into relationships because of their lack of credentials to do so. You are free to do so because in addition to getting an education in the university, it is also an opportunity for both young men and women to find their life partners. At this stage in your life, it will be unfair to ask you not to have a boyfriend. But in having one, ensure he aligns with your dreams for yourself. Many a time, the wrong company derails. Therefore, you need to be clear minded and headed in arriving at the right man for you. To ensure you come close to the right choice; first investigate who you are. To get it right be very honest with who you are. Don’t out of a desire to have a man in your life at all cost, date a man who lacks what it takes to make the real you happy or help you achieve your dreams in life. There are different kinds of men out there just like we have all sorts of women. In life there are those who help one grow and those who are experts at destroying others. For you to discover who any man is, don’t give in to sex. Begin by being friends with the man to enable you discover who he really is. Any man that puts too much sexual pressures on you or tells you that it demonstrates your love for him; keep such man at arm’s length. Any man who is in love with a woman doesn’t put sexual pressures on her. He allows things to happen naturally. Because relationship goes beyond sex, the man must be a good companion who never gets tired of offering assistance whenever you need it. He must also be the kind of man who is patient, trustworthy and respects you. In addition, he should be interested in your growth as a person. This includes sharing in your dreams and offering your ideas to further enhance your dreams. As a young lady desirous of making it in life, begin this early to place things in the hands of God. It is important to prevent you making mistakes in life. Good luck.

I am in love with my brother’s friend

Dear Agatha, I am in love with my brother’s best friend. I don’t know if I should tell him or not. I know you might think it is infatuation because I am just 16, but he is everything I need in a man. He is kind and gentle as well as so handsome. I cannot concentrate on my forth coming examinations because of him. What do I do? Lilly. Dear Lilly, What do you know about love or men at your age? At your age, you should be thinking of how to pass your examinations and going into the university. You have an entire life ahead of you to do men business. To jump start it is to create avoidable entanglements in your life. Beside, your emotions are not ripe enough to handle men. More than anyone else, I appreciate that your hormones are causing some kind of havoc inside of you but what makes one girl responsible and the other irresponsible is her ability to control all the confusing chemicals the hormones are pushing out. This is why you should concentrate on passing your examinations first. Having a good education, is one of the ways a woman protects herself from being irresponsible. Paying more attention to your education will also help divert your mind from focusing on men. You are right, what you feel is infatuation because you don’t know all that go into having and conducting a relationship. Are you considering pregnancy in all these? As long as a young girl is old enough to menstruate, she can become a mother. What if your adventure turns out to be a nightmare that of you having a baby at your age? What do you think would become of the future that looks so bright? You are in school because your parents want the best for you. There are so many young children your age whose parents cannot be bothered if they are in school or not. Therefore, don’t abuse the chance your parents are offering you by engaging in activities or actions that will destroy that future your parents plan for you. With the right kind of education, there is no man on earth you cannot have. For now perish whatever it is that you feel for your brother’s friend or any other man for that matter. Good luck

He beats me at the slightest excuse

Dear Agatha, I am in a very abusive marriage; there is no day I don’t get beaten by my husband so much so, neighbours no longer bother to come in to separate us. Some of them now gossip behind me and I get to hear; they think I enjoy the violence-which they think is a stimulant for me to enjoy having sex better with my husband. Others wonder if I have no family to go to. I don’t blame them at all; in their shoes, I would also be mislead into thinking the same things given the fact that it is something my husband and I do everyday. I am sincerely fed up especially as my son who is just three is beginning to manifest the same kind of violence in his play group at school; he fights and bites his mates. My entire body is adorned with different scars courtesy of my husband whose reasons for beating me vary from money to my attitude. At times, he comes home drunk and that is enough reason for him to pick a fight. The last fight landed me at the hospital; according to the doctor, I was lucky because I had lost a lot of blood before a neighbour found me on the floor in our sitting room. Although, I made up my mind to end the marriage but when my pastor and elders of the church came to preach tolerance and patience, I decided to stay on. According to them it is a phase that will one day come to an end and importantly, that God doesn’t support divorce. I respect my pastor too much to disobey him. He says those who disobey God on this important injunction go to hell. Truthfully, it is becoming harder by the day as my husband appears very determined to kill me. Nothing I do pleases him. He doesn’t care who the audience is, he beats me anywhere his anger overwhelms him including the church. Because of this temper, I lost my job when he came to my office to beat me up for forgetting to drop the key to the house with a neighbour. He traveled, didn’t tell me he was coming back earlier than he told me; that was my offence. He disrupted business at our banking hall that day. It was so bad that security had to be called in to throw him out. I don’t know what to do. My parents are of the view that when I am tired, I will end the marriage as they are tired of asking me to come out of it. His cousin who has on several occasions witnessed our fights has on several occasions told me to leave to avoid being blinded like my father-in-law did to my mother-in-law. I met my mother-in-law once and was told by my husband that she became blind in one eye in an accident. I just assumed it was a motor accident. According to the cousin who stopped coming to our house when my husband fought him for telling me about the real cause of his mother blindness, it was what led to the separation of his parents. My father-in-law banned his wife from ever seeing the children. I met her when I put to bed. She came to the hospital to see the baby and I. I really have lost every respect and love I have for him but I don’t want to disobey God by ending the marriage. What do you think? Lara. Dear Lara, You can only stay married if you are alive. Dead people don’t marry nor have children. I am sure your pastor also told you that suicide is a sin before God. Staying in such a violent marriage is akin to committing suicide. There are no medals for staying and dying in a violent marriage. The God we serve isn’t wicked. Yes, the Bible stresses on sustainability of a marriage to avoid frivolities by couples looking for the slightest excuse to terminate their union. But in this instance, when insanity has blanketed sanity, leaving, is the most viable option. It isn’t the pastor that is being beaten everyday or his children that are being exposed to violence. It is your life and your children’s lives that are being toyed with. This is the time you need to read your Bible so as not to be misguided or carry a needless burden, God hasn’t placed on you. The pastor is only performing his role. The truth is, no pastor or church will ever tell a couple to end their marriage but you, who is wearing the shoes should know when it too tight to walk with. There is no meaningful dialogue or resolution that can take place in this kind of situation you have painted. You are dealing with a very stubborn foundational problem here. The spirit of anger is one that takes the special grace of God to dethrone from a home or one’s life. Your going away isn’t the same as divorce; you need peace to pray your home back into reckoning. Ironically, the same people who are urging you to stay on, would be the same people to perform your burial rites and declare your husband free to remarry if you die in the process of preserving your violent marriage. The Bible is peppered with profound references to wisdom. Without it, we become foolish and blind to various doctrines that becloud our normal senses of reasoning. I am sure God didn’t intend marriage to be a battlefield or a fighting arena. The instructions are clear; a man should care for his wife who is his helpmate. Common sense demands you stay clear of this man until he comes to the full realization of his problems. It isn’t normal for a man to go about beating up his wife at the slightest excuse. Even if you are the causes of his anger, the fact that he is unable to control his reactions invalidates his reasons. You have to stay alive to keep the marriage going. This is what you should emphasis to your pastor the next time he tells you to endure the violence in your marriage. Granted there is no marriage that is problem free but when it becomes the order of the day, there is the need for the wife to consider her life first. Your leaving will provide him with the chance to think and give you both a future to negotiate your options. Both of you can still come back together if you are alive but once dead, you become yesterday’s history. There is also the issue of the children. They are an important factor in this whole matter. As their mother, you have a duty to protect them from this kind of violence you have described. If your three year old child is already imbibing the culture of violence, then you must act urgently else you risk entrenching the legacy of violence your husband’s family is already noted for. Your husband is who he is today because of the examples he grew up with. There is no way a child raised in a violent home, who daily witnessed the battering of his mother by his father would think it abnormal for a man to beat his wife. Don’t allow your son to grow up to become like his father; you owe it to him and the family he would one day raise to protect him from himself. Besides, you owe it to yourself to say alive at all cost. It is your right to live, don’t allow anybody deny you of it. He has already taken away your career; don’t give him the opportunity to take away your life. If the church expels you on account of your decision to be alive, so be it. Your business is with God and not man. If he is truly a Christian, he won’t beat you because the Bible’s instruction to men on how to relate with their wives is very clear. You can only understand and be patient with a man who is reasonable, not one who is deaf and blind to all reasoning. This is not to say you are without your own faults. Even though he now appears to have the major fault because of his lack of wisdom in the handling of domestic matters, be honest in admitting your faults. This is highly important to help in appreciating your own defects as a woman, wife and mother. There is nothing impossible before God. Your husband could change through prayers and become the perfect husband you want him to be. If you remain your old self, chances are your marriage will be far from being the perfect union you want it to be. Importantly, let your motive for any decision you take be clear. If you are leaving, have it at the back of your mind that you are only going away for a while to give your husband time to think and to protect your life and children from needless violence. No matter what, stand in gap for your husband. He needs you now more than ever. Good luck.

I want him to be my first

Dear Agatha, Please help me out of this shame. For a year and two months, I have been in a relationship with this man. About two weeks ago, I asked him to help me out with some money because I was broke. He told me he didn’t have because things weren’t very good for him financially. I understood, because even when I didn’t solicit for money he would give; all of a sudden his attitude towards me changed and he also started accusing me of pretending to be in love with him; an accusation that has no basis. He stopped calling me for three days. I had to write him a letter reassuring him of my love. In that letter, I got angry and asked him if that is how he would go about accusing falsely when we get married. I also told him that since he lacked confidence in my love, we should stop seeing each other. Of a truth, I wasn’t serious about my threats. He didn’t call me for three weeks despite the fact I was constantly sending text messages begging him to forgive me. He eventually picked my call only to inform me that he was no longer interested in me. He said, I was free to go with anybody I desired. I don’t know what to do: he is my first love and I want him to be the man that will deflower me. Help me, I am dying silently. Heart broken Girl. Dear Heart broken Girl, In matters of the heart, you don’t choose love rather, it does the selection. It decides who it wants to be paired with which, is why you must not try to enforce him to love you at all cost. Rather than pine away in agony and despair over what he has said, ask a friend of yours known to him to go and try to talk to him on your behalf. Let her find out from him why he changed his mind about you and what informed his decision to conclude about his relationship with you. If the friend can, let her plead your case with a promise that whatever his grouses are against you shall be handled by her. But it is also important you admit your shortcomings in all these. Often than not, we are quick at shifting the entire blame of our disappointment or hurt on everybody but, us. In your hurt, you could have said one or two unpalatable things to him without considering the far reaching implications of doing or saying so. Besides, why would you give him an ultimatum when you know he means the world to you? Not everyman likes to be pushed to the corner. He would think you did that because he could not give you the money you asked for. Men don’t like being broke and often react negatively when put under pressure. The tone of your letter could have set him thinking in another direction you never intended in your letter. Unless you are given the chance to explain yourself better, he may escape with the wrong impression that you lack what it takes to be a good woman. But, if he has made up his mind not to continue with the relationship, allow him be even though it will cost you some emotional pains. There are certain things you don’t force in life, love is one of them. Like life itself, every relationship is a kind of classroom. We learn and take away that which is important to our next stage in life. There is nothing you can do about it if God hasn’t paired both of you. There is an adage that says only those who appreciate Kola-nut cover it with leaves. The uninitiated expose it to the elements of weather to destroy its essence. If this man isn’t meant for you, your virginity would at the end of the mean nothing to him whereas; the man who is yours will forever cherish your special gift to him. Stop worrying and allow God do His work. Good luck. After five years, he says I am not good enough Dear Agatha, My heart is heavy. I have just been jilted by the man I gave my virginity and my life to. For five years, I waited patiently for him to establish himself after graduation. While we were in school, I funded him from my business money. I was into buying and selling of clothes and foodstuff while at the university so I always had money and food. Although, older than I am, I graduated a year before him because he had a carry over. Despite pressures from my friends and family members, I decided to wait for him to finish and even influenced his employment through my friend’s father. Along the line I got pregnant and didn’t notice until it was too late for me to abort it, so we had the baby, a boy. I didn’t mind having our child because I thought we were destined for the altar. And just when I thought we were about to finally making things official, he dropped the bombshell that he has fallen in love with someone else. There is nothing his friends, family members didn’t say to make him change his mind, he insisted on dumping me: he described me as being too old and not good enough for him. Where do I start from? I just want to die and leave this world alone. I can’t endure the shame of everything; and all for nothing. All I ever did wrong was to love him with everything that makes me a woman. Agatha, I need your strong shoulders to lean on please help me. Calestina. Dear Calestina, I feel your pains and disappointments but God knows everything. In His time and season, you will get to find out that what you assumed to be the real thing was actually fake. Most times, what we assume to be the best for us, are usually not what God wants for us. If this man were yours, he wouldn’t have left you for another woman. Having that child was the reason both of you came together; the reason you must pull yourself together to care for your son. That boy has given you a reason to live; a reason to thank God that all your waiting and investment on your ex weren’t in vain. The presence of that child underscores God knowledge in all that happened between the two of you. No matter where he goes, who he ends up marrying, he will never forget that he has a son somewhere. Whatever your personal challenges maybe, set them aside and be the mother that child needs now. The reality of a woman’s life is that motherhood doesn’t recognize or excuse a hurting heart. That boy needs you to care and love him unconditionally. See him as your compensation for all the years and emotions you invested in his father. Being a woman and having gone through emotional pains, disappointments and aches, I can tell you they don’t last forever; around the corner is always God’s brightest sunshine and bluest clouds to usher one into another experience. The problem with most people is summoning the strength and courage to begin afresh. As a matter of fact you should be happy he didn’t leave you stranded on the altar or that this didn’t happen after the wedding ceremony. Even if you are already a mother, it doesn’t compare to having the record of a failed marriage this early in life. often than not, the society unfairly blames the woman for a broken home irrespective of the situation that led to it. For this reason, learn to appreciate God because He is clearly on his Throne in your life. To avoid too many questions, move away from familiar environment to a place where nobody knows you. Go with your son, his presence will help to heal you. Trust me, the presence of a child is always a soothing balm for broken heart; they will never give you the chance to go into depression. Furthermore, if you kill yourself, what would be your testimony and the fate of that innocent life you brought into this world? Once you trust God and are willing to let Him play His perfect role in your life, you will be surprised at the quality of man waiting to grace your life and soul. Painful as it might seem today, thank God for removing this man your love may never have given you the courage to remove from your life. The truth is, you were too blinded by your determination to get married to him that you didn’t see the signs he has been giving you. he simply used you to get what he wanted out of life. Such a man would never have made a good husband to you. the more reason you should thank God and pray He sends a man who will care for you as a man should for his woman. Good luck.

I am afraid to approach her

Dear Agatha, I like your responses to the questions people always ask you. This is why your column has become my weekly guide. I am a boy of 26 years of age. I finished secondary school since 2009 and still struggling to gain admission into a university. However, I have a thriving computer business as well managing a petrol station. Despite my modest achievements, I don’t have any female friend not to talk of a girlfriend. Recently I met a lady in my church I like and wish would become my wife. But she is a banker. From all indices she is better educated than I am as well as richer in terms of finance. The only thing I have more than her are the number of years I have spent on earth. Despite my limitations, I have this great passion for her. I want her to become the mother of my children but I am afraid to make an advance to her since I don’t want to be embarrassed by her. I don’t want her to hate me and jeopardize my chances with her. Daily, it is becoming difficult for me to control my feelings for her. What I feel for her is so strong that I am just confused; I don’t know what to do again. Please what is your advice for me because each time I sight her, my love becomes stronger. I don’t want anything that will hurt my life. Please enlighten me because I need your help. Image of God. Dear Image of God, Love isn’t mathematics. It has a way of happening in very odd situations. So don’t be discouraged by all her seeming finer points. Those things could just be her camouflage; deep inside her, she may not be as happy as those things project her to be. However, you also have to be more serious about your educational pursuit. Granted you have been able to establish yourself but as a man and in order for you to move beyond this point in life, there is the need to be more proactive in terms of gaining admission to the university. At 26, you are actually wasting your time sitting for the Joint Admission Matriculation examinations. Apply for a part-time program in a university nearest to you. The cost maybe more prohibitive than the regular class but, it will resolve the problem of your complex among your peers or associates. As for the lady, there is no harm in approaching her as a friend. It is a simple matter of saying “how are you”, since you both attend the same church. If she is snobbish, it means she isn’t good enough for you but, if she responds, tell her your name and ask for hers as a way of establishing some sorts of familiarity. Don’t rush into declaring your feelings for her. First, get to study her kind of person and attitudes. As friends, you get the opportunity of knowing her at close quarters. If she responds positively to your greetings and offer of friendship, ensure she gets to know about your educational background, your business as well as plans to improve your education. Don’t wait until things get deep before opening up on your limitations. Exposing yourself to her is giving her the necessary information to help make up her mind about you even before you tell her how you feel. When telling her about your educational background, watch out for her reaction to the news as well as attitude towards you thereafter. If she continues to be friendly, you could after a while tell her how you feel about her but if she avoids your company, consider her the wrong woman for you and move on. Every rejection a man suffers from a woman; there are more than five willing women on queue. If you are unwilling to experience pains, disappointments and embarrassment from women, then you aren’t prepared to have a viable relationship with a woman in life. Heartbreaks and disappointments go with approaching a woman. The is because it is the only opportunity most women have to make the men sweat for them, they play hard to get, even when she is interested. So if you on account of protecting your heart from breaking refuse to approach a woman, you might end up with a woman who is too desperate to get married hence ready to do anything to hook a man. These women are the ones who after marriage, become monsters and the heartbreak you are running from will become a permanent resident in your marriage. Nothing good comes easy. There is always a price to pay for finding a good wife. So ignore the fear of rejection and move on with your quest to find out if this woman is your missing rib. In addition you must summon the courage to talk to women. You cannot continue to live in isolation of women. Men and women were designed by God to interact. That you have a woman as a friend doesn’t mean you are in a romantic relationship with her. Whatever may have informed your inability to talk to women or have them as friends; must be dealt with by you. One of the questions you must find an answer to, is why you are afraid of women? You cannot reach the age of 26, without having had a girlfriend. For you to really appreciate and settle down well into a relationship, you must know how to take care of a woman. This comes from knowing what the psychology of the average woman is. Love isn’t accomplished by what you feel alone, it must be supported by the attitude and concern invested into the other person. Good luck.

I want to know God more

Dear Agatha, Please help me. How do I reconnect with God? Since I got married, I find it difficult to pray with my family, how do I teach my two children about God? I want to have a relationship with Him. Chioma. Dear Chioma, Your letter is the most touching I have ever received. God bless you. When a woman gets married, if she is not careful, in her attempt to balance the emotions, politics and care of the home, she forgets the importance of God in her. This often not deliberate or noticed. And because God though present in every home isn’t as demanding as the physical presence of the husband and children, He keeps being relegated to the background for the occasional grace, church worships and emergency solutions to pressing family issues. You are not alone. So many women are guilty of the neglect of the most important presence in our homes. Fortunately, He is unlike us in many ways. He doesn’t keep a grudge or keep records of our iniquities. As the woman of the house, you are the spiritual umbrella of the family; the reason you have to first reconcile with God through prayers. It is a simple matter of going on your knees to invite Him back into your home as the supreme head. Follow this, by drawing up a prayer time-table. Ensure every member of the family is assigned a role to play in the time table. This means, once it is the turn of any member of the family, he or she gets to lead the entire session-the praise and worship, Bible reading, the little sermon as well as prayers. This way, your children get exposed to the words of God and His ways. The more they read the Bible, the more they get to see and know Him. In addition, you must give them the right examples to emulate. Don’t amplify what is not in the Bible; allow them to perfect their relationship with God in their own ways. The important thing is their being on the right path. Often than not, when parents insist too forcefully on how they want things done rather than allow the children to grow into it, creates complexities which could lead to full scale rebellion against what you want to achieve. After doing this for sometime and observing where each child is strongest, apportion them appropriately at the devotion. Also encourage them to join activities in the church in their areas of interest. It is also important you point out the ways of God to them in their everyday activities to help them grow further in the ways of God. This will enable them come to depend and trust God implicitly in all they do. As for your husband, learn to pray together in the morning and at night. Sometimes, it could be a major task getting the man to pray, don’t get angry if yours is the kind that isn’t so keen. In this kind of situation, rather than get angry, just keep praying for him and ensure you are on hand to pray when he is about to sleep so that you can both pray. The fact that you are in the same room with him when praying should do at the beginning. Above all, worship God and not pastor or church as has become the norm among many Christians. Good luck.

My mother-in-law is making my life miserable

Dear Agatha, I am a regular reader of your column. I am 26 years of age. I have a life-eating problem and I believe you can help me. I married a mummy’s pet kind of husband who tells his mother everything we discuss and do in the house. Naturally, his mother sees me as an obstacle, even though he pretends about it. Although she doesn’t shout at me but she has a way of making my life in that house hell on earth. For instance, if my husband has the urge to eat a particular kind of food and I make attempt to cook what my husband wants, she would come to the kitchen to tell me that the particular food is forbidden in that house. The worst thing is that when my husband comes and I tell him what his mother said, he won’t say anything. Although he is the breadwinner of the family, he cannot stand up to his people to defend me. The resultant effect is that I am on my own, begging them to like me a little bit but it seems the harder I try to please them, the more determined they are to make my life unbearable in their brother’s house. I have been begging my husband to relocate, at least, a little far away from the family so that I can enjoy my very young marriage but he has refused to listen to me. His excuse is that I would soon be back in school which is six hours drive from home. Anytime I raise the issue of the treatment I get from his family, he is instant in defending them. His mother is in charge of my less than a year old marriage. And it appears this is going to be the pattern of my marriage as my husband in his wisdom, built his personal house within the vicinity of the family house. My sister-in-law who is also at home is over 30 years of age and she too is another source of my headache. I am dying slowly. Please help me. Confused Wife. Dear Confused Wife, Marriage is a school of endurance, patience, understanding, prayers and wisdom. Like bitter leaf, every new marriage must first go through a process of adjustment before it can become sweet. It is unfortunate that you are starting your marriage this way, but a lot of the issues you raised started long before you got married to him. Perhaps a combination of inexperience, misconception of what marriage is all about and lack of sincerity on your part are the reasons you are going through this crisis. For instance, there is no way you wouldn’t have noticed from the very beginning that your man is a mummy’s boy. This is something he couldn’t have hidden from you. Any man close to his mother manifests it wherever he goes. He must have, during your courtship days, done one or two things to make it clear to you that his mother is his final authority. You didn’t complain then because like most women, you thought you could handle the situation and make him forget his closeness to his mother. The fact that you didn’t complain then and were willing to play along, means if you really put in more efforts into this marriage and you will overcome these battles. The women that have positive stories to tell are those with elastic patience. Even the toughest battles bow to it at the end of the day. From this early, accept them for who they are. I am sure you have women like your mother-in-law as well as sister-in-law in your family. If you are able to put up with these women, there is no reason you cannot cope with these women. The same attitude you have adopted in tolerating and managing the excesses of every friend, relation as well as the negative sides of your own mother and sisters should be deployed by you into managing your present situation to make this marriage succeed. One way to ensure you remain relevant in the life of your husband is to stop complaining or forcing him to choose between you and his family. It would be the worst kind of mistake in your life because his mother and sister were in his life before you. Besides, you will also become a mother-in-law one day and how would you feel if your son suddenly abandons you for his wife? Life is a circle. What goes around comes around. You are simply acquiring experiences to handle similar issues in future. A lot of efforts go into motherhood. The expectation of every mother is to be repaid with care by the child she invested her entire adult life looking after. Whether you like it or not, you will in time to come become jealous of the woman who takes your place in your son’s life. It is an emotion most women cannot control. The difference is just the way the individual woman values life and its different seasons. While some mothers willingly bow out of the lives of their sons with grace, others simply cannot do it. No matter how painful their treatment of you is, learn to endure it. Overtime, you will smile as long as you have the right attitude towards life. Your husband’s headship of his family didn’t start overnight. You knew his position from the beginning. This minor fact should have alerted you to the challenges you would be facing from all his relations. It is only natural for them to feel your coming would upset whatever arrangements they had on ground. You are all like combatants squaring up for a fight. They are suspicious of you just as you are of them. The position your man occupies in his family demands you act as a mother to them. The role of a mother is that of acute perseverance and protection even when she is under pains and disappointments. To do otherwise is to expose your husband to challenges he should not face within his family circle. Though he appears to be more on their side than on yours; don’t get unnecessarily upset about it all. The secret is to device a means outside nagging or complaints to get him to listen to you. You have an advantage they don’t have; you are his wife! Use your intimacy to make him listen to your needs, see how bad you feel at being left at the mercy of his family, especially living in the family house. For instance, your desire to make him leave the family house could come as a wishful desire. During intimacy, wish for more privacy to really be together, do certain things like being naked in your private world. Use your knowledge of the things he likes about you to make him listen to those things you are not saying. Like a carrot before a hare, dangle your femininity before him. This is a form of language women who are wise have used through the ages to get their men to listen to the silent requests of their hearts. Once you are able to get him to move from the family house, you will be able to moderate some of the issues you are complaining about now. Also learn to pray. There is nothing prayers cannot achieve. Apart from bringing you close to God, it also teaches one the vital steps to take in every situation. Prayers give so much wisdom. It will tell you when silence is golden and when to speak. If you have to leave the house and go to where you can avoid confrontation, do it. If you can afford it, get a gas cooker to cook his meals in your room. This way you can cook what you want without having to go to the general kitchen. This doesn’t mean you cannot cook for the entire family in the general kitchen. Making this arrangement is to ensure your husband gets used to your cooking and person. It is also important to your survival, that you don’t get overly bothered about the reactions of your in-laws. Be polite, do what you can, refuse to be intimidated by them but learn to respect their relationship with your husband. Allow him the freedom to continue to be their breadwinner as long as he can cope with his responsibilities to you. Good luck.

He is being cruel to me

Dear Agatha, The guy I have been dating for six years traveled out of the country early this year. He promised to be back around June. But I noticed certain changes in him recently. When I pointed these changes out to him, rather than explain things to me, he accused me of complaining too much and that he cannot imagine marrying me. There was no name he didn’t call me. Unlike before when I could discuss anything with him, these days if I make attempts to talk to him about my troubles, he shuns me. He has even told me that I cannot force him to marry that if I can’t wait for him. I should find myself another man as he has no intention of coming back till next year. The most painful thing is that I don’t have another boyfriend because he made me what I am today. It is so painful he isn’t thinking about the good times we had. All he wants now is to terminate the relationship. Whenever he pings me, he takes to using abusive words on me. His mother said I should ignore him but I know something is wrong somewhere. I can’t tell my family because my stepmother has been complaining about him; it will afford them the opportunity to start saying different things. Please advice me on what to do because I have already told him if he desires a break up, he should be matured about it. I am planning to move on but I just can’t release my heart to another man. Betty. Dear Betty, Don’t be in a haste to go into another relationship. You need time to heal and take stock of the mistakes you made in your current relationship. Besides, he hasn’t told you expressly that you should go. There is no damage patience cannot repair. Despite making up your mind to move on, send him a detailed mail, chronicling how you both began, the promises you made to each other and how much you believed in those promises. Ask him where you went wrong and why it is so difficult for him to forgive you. Resist the urge to be bitter or condemning in your mail. Let him know you will never forget all the times he stood by you, holding up your hands when you thought it was over for you. Appreciate all those times he was there for you. Let him know you still love him and apologise for any offence you may have unknowingly committed. Give him time to digest and respond to your mail. If after a month, he still not forthcoming with a positive reply, send him another mail, asking him about the viability of the relationship especially what his current feelings for you really are. Nudge him into committing his feelings and conclusions into writing. This is all you need to move on. The reason you must patiently tackle this matter is not to offend his mother and other family members who like you. For posterity sake, show a close confidant of his copies of your mail to him as well as his responses. When you are sure of where he stands with you, respectfully go to his mother to explain everything to her as well as your decision to move on with your life. Absolve your self of any blame now or later in life. Another reason you should apply patience has to do with you not knowing what is happening to him in his host country. Sometimes, things don’t go the way we plan. You are not there with him neither do you know the challenges he is facing down there. There are certain challenges that can make people hostile to those they love. He could also be having the issue many immigrants experience in their host country. Because you are not there, nothing he says would make sense to you. There is a huge difference between reality and our perception of what life is over there. Out there, he cannot function with the freedom he does here. It is like living in a jungle where only the fittest survives. Because everybody that leaves this country for overseas is in search of a better life; time is of essence and so is funds management. Unlike here where he can always hustle for something, have friends to keep him company; it isn’t like that out there. Most people out there party with a lot of wisdom. They know what they put into making the money hence are not willingly to spend it at a sitting. He needs plenty of time to adjust to the situation on ground. Granted he may have promised to come back this year but that could have changed based on what he met on ground. Also don’t ignore the fact that we aren’t all alike; our reactions are very different. While some people can function very well under stress, others simply snap. Unfortunately, those close to us are the ones that suffer from our inability to manage our feelings. You could just be a victim of this. Lashing out at you is the only way he can get you to quit the relationship and free him from the burden of coming back home to a commitment. If things are not working the way they ought to, he doesn’t want you around telling him I told you so. He also certainly cannot cope with the added pressure of your demands with what he is going through. He thinks getting rid of you will give him the freedom to do as he wants. Rather than allow him to push you into a premature decision, for now, stop all contacts with him. Reply only if he writes or pings you. Don’t initiate anything but keep in touch with his family members. This is to give him the space he requires to clear things up in his mind. Besides, it is better for you if the decision to continue with the relationship comes from his mind. It is the only way you can be happy with him. Don’t also worry about the implications of you not calling him. It is best you know where you stand with him now than later. If he doesn’t come back to you, move on; there is a man out there specially made for you who would give you all the happiness and respect that appear to be missing from your current relationship. Again, the reason you must take your time to begin a new relationship is to ensure you are really over him and are not going into a new relationship out of a rebound. The danger of taking old wound into a new relationship is nuisance it constitutes in the relationship. It makes it almost impossible for the new relationship to be better than the previous disappointing one. This is because all the issues that crippled the previous relationship have been imported by the partner that is still bitter into the new relationship. This is why some people keep experiencing one disappointment or the other in relationships. This explains why you cannot release your heart to another man. You must complete the process of really getting over him for good because you can appreciate and date another man. The best thing under this present situation is to ask God for help either to have the patience to wait for you boyfriend or to move on in life. Tell God to make His wishes for you come true in your life. As for you stepmother and family members, you need them now more than before. Hearing their opinion could help you make the right decision. Why not listen to what your stepmother has against him? She may have seen what you were too blind to see. There is really no harm in hearing her out. It will help you make a wholesome decision. Good luck.

I’m fed up

Dear Agatha, I am a single mother of 32 years of age. My child is a result of repeated rapes. The man at the centre of it all abandoned me after he has had his fill of my body. Agatha, I have had more than my fair share of bitter experiences of this life. My child is now 13years of age and has started manifesting certain signs that are associated with adolescence but I do not know how to guide him and direct him. Recently, I observed he urinates frequently, like every five minutes. Is it normal? Could that be a sign of wet-dream? Please, Agatha, how do I become a very good mother to this boy, play the roles of both father and mother to him at the same time? Could you please give me a step by step way of teaching him the right things of this life? How do I start educating him on the changes that he has to expect at the stage in his life? I am a very worried woman. I have not been in any relationship for the past two years, this is not because I do not want to, but because I have not found the right person, the people I see around me are not to be trusted, usually, I expect a man to be my friend first, but those that come around from the day one, do not have anything good to offer because they are always impatient. I have been starving emotionally, I have a lot bothering my mind and there is no one to share these problems with. I have suddenly grown much older than my real age. Just few days ago, a colleague in the office approached me on an informal level and told me that the lines and wrinkles on my face were becoming too pronounced for a lady of my age and wanted to know what was worrying me but I told him that all was well since I do not want to bring my family problems to the office. I feel so scared, so insecured. I often feel my heart beat faster and get shocked at every little thing. I really want to have a man of my own, I want to get married but only to the right man, but the way things are going, I don’t know what to expect, but supposing the right man is not forth coming, how do I handle to the situation of becoming a single lady for the rest of my life. Sometimes, I want to end it all, the whole events of this life do not make sense to me any more. But each time, I want to do something drastic to myself I think about my child because he will really suffer if I am not there being the only parent he has but, still the thoughts and feelings of ending it all is becoming stronger than I can bear. I really do not know how long I can continue with this. I really don’t know. Ese Dear Ese, There is no contesting the issue, you are very depressed and it is no wonder, given the experiences you have had and currently going through. Depression is one of the worst kinds of mood swings to deal with especially when it gets to the point of considering suicide. Truthfully, you need both a psychologist and psychiatric to help you through this difficult stage of your life. Sadly there is nothing much they can do if you don’t first divorce yourself of all the painful memories of the past. Even though rape is one of the worst kinds of offences against womanhood, cruel as this may sound, you aren’t alone. Everyday, a woman goes through this experience and abuse from both strangers and familiar people. The fact that this man had access to you as much as he wanted, is an indication he is not a stranger to you, he is somebody you know and who can get to face the music of his abuse if you so wish. That he is free to roam the street is because you made the choice to let him be. Had you reported the matter to your parents or guardian when the abuses were going on, he may not have gone scot-free. If nothing, he would have at least been made to take responsibility for his child. Having made that choice not to face the annoying scandal raped women face when they make the attempt to report the matter, you must help yourself further by letting go of the painful memories of those years. I appreciate, it is a hard thing to do especially when you look at your son but it can happen if you give your heart and mind the chance to fill their spaces with another kind of love and thoughts. Think of how lonesome you would have been without the presence of that child. Think of the love and trust this child has for you. Being the only parent he has, you are everything to him. One of the advantages of being a single parent is, you don’t get to share the love of your child with anybody. If you do your job as a mother well, this will compensate your years of toil and pains. It won’t matter if you are the only parent he has. But to get this child to respect you, especially now that he is also going through natural traumatic biological changes, you must ignore your own problems and offer him your support, understanding and love to get his complete trust and compassion. A child is what parents, especially mothers make him or her. Your success is not dependent on your being part of a pair but on how much you value your position as a mother. Motherhood is about playing second fiddle to your own desires and needs at anytime attention is demanded by a child. There is no way your son can be happy, if he is constantly presented with a picture of an unhappy mother. You don’t have to sit this child down to tell him you are having problems. If people not living with you can detect it through your mien and presentation of the tell tale signs boldly written on your person, how much more this child who depends on you exclusively for everything? Your signals are too strong and potent for this boy who has known you all his life not to notice. He knows you are unhappy, he is worried at the consequences of all these on his future and relationship with you. This child is becoming insecured by your problems. His frequent urination may be a clear sign of his inner fears; that of losing you and all the insecurities that go with it. Being the only parent he has, understandably his worries are huge and deep. No doubt, your worries are real but for the sake of this child, you have to find ways to let go. Even if you are 32, you can still be happy. That you are a single mother doesn’t mean you cannot attract the attention of reasonable and responsible men. That you are only getting men who want sex isn’t as a result of you being single and a mother but because these types of men are in the majority. Most men these days are not very interested in the minds of a woman like they do about her body. So allowing that to worry you is akin to destroying yourself. You have a choice to agree to the demands of these men; lose the respect of your son in this process or disagree with their demands and preserve your respect in the mind of your son. Accepting your situation is the only way to confront this moment in your life. And this is where your attitude comes into focus. You can be alone without being lonely and you can be lonely despite being in the mist of people. It is the attitude you decide to adopt that would work for you at the end of the day. Learn to have positive attitude to life and its many challenges. If it is any assurance, there are some experiences worse than yours which the people involved have managed successfully. If it’s any help, things happen in one’s life because God wants to a point out of it to many others. But the purpose of your life would amount to nothing if you lack the strength of character to bring out light from this darkness. I happen to know this because I have gone through certain painful experiences which are today helping others to be happy. There is no way you can help this child if you are not happy. He needs a role model in you and to do that well, you have to overcome your own problems by refusing to be depressed. Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Do you like the person in it? If not, what can be done to help that person become happier and better looking? Change your look. Most often than not, our attitudes are at the root of our problems. Get yourself a new wardrobe or add some colours and cuts that are different from the old you. Furthermore, learn to be less critical of your situation and focused on your problems. We all have problems. It is just that some of us have mastered the act of wearing them like our under-wears. Wearing your problems like your top cloth makes it very visible for the world to see and ages faster than anything else in the world. This approach won’t help you. It might even drive your son away from you because after awhile, the child would rebel against the constant melancholy of being around you. Be determined to see the good side of your life through the gift of this child. Turn your mistakes to his strength by keying in into his world. Allow his innocence and well-being help you forget the accident of his birth. Learn to laugh with him so he would have the confidence to laugh at your mistakes and with you. Support him so he can support you to be in the majority with his presence and love. Be truthful and very honest to him about the circumstances surrounding his birth to equip him for the challenge of belonging to a single parent home. Telling him half truths or keeping quiet about it would only cause you problems later in life. But telling him the whole truth would give him the opportunity to have a glimpse into your life, help him to understand you and appreciate your situations better. The information would help balance his view about life and make him your number one cheerleader as well as friend. Once you have his confidence and respect, every other thing would fall into place and your task made easier. To be a good mother to him, it is essential you are his best friend which makes it possible for him to tell you everything happening to him. We all need a friend. Learn to trust someone whose support and words of encouragement would help you during difficult times and curtail your sad tendencies because at every turn in our life, we always need a friend to talk to. Above all, befriend God and allow Him through the gift of time help you forget and succeed. Good luck.