Dear Agatha,
I would soon be getting married but unfortunately, little things easily get me angry.
Please help me as my attitude is frustrating my husband-to-be. I think I am the domineering type but I do what I do unintentionally.
Agatha, please help me find a solution to my problem before I lose the only man I truly love.
Mosun.
Dear Mosun,
Before going into the marriage it is imperative you understand the dynamism and the principles concerning the institution to avoid regrets later in life.
There is no way you can conduct a happy and proper marriage if you don’t first appraise your behaviour vis-a-vis what is acceptable, expected and applies in the context of two people coming together to make a home.
It is also in your interest to understand the different positions and duties of the man and woman. To help you understand this best, go back into your Bible and read the roles God assigned to the genders at creation.
From the beginning, He made man the head, no apologies or explanation, full stop! God gave man the headship and authority over the woman hence she is expected at all times to show him respect and consideration deserving of his position in the home. Whatever the situation may be between a man and woman, her duty is to give the man she has agreed to spend the rest of her life with every support to succeed. It doesn’t matter who is bringing in the most money or has the brightest prospect, what matters is what God demands, giving the head the encouragement to discharge his responsibilities to his family and by implication to the society.
Support doesn’t necessary come in the form of money alone. The man must have the right atmosphere in the house to be man in his home.
When a woman constantly drags the image of her husband through the mud simply because she has a temper she cannot control, she exposes her man to the ridicule and insults of others around. A man is judged by those around him through the way his wife packages and presents him to the public. If she is constantly being rude and shouting at him without care, even when they are alone, it would reflect on how others treat him.
There is no way a man who is constantly being harassed by his wife would be considered for any important position because the thinking is usually that, if a man is unable to control his wife at home, he cannot be trusted to effect discipline outside his home. Even where he has the ability to do so, the mockery that follows such orders by those who are aware of the despicable way his wife treats him at home would compromises him at every point.
Your role as the woman is to be a shield for you man; think for him, encourage and ensure he has emotional, physical and spiritual support to overcome his limitations, fears as well as challenges.
So, if you want your man to succeed, you must begin from now to let go of those attitudes of yours that would make him less than a man in the opinion of your would be neighbours and friends.
You must leave your temper and ill manners in your father’s house. Such behaviours have no place in the contest of a happy marriage. If you have dominated everybody around you before now, you must learn how to give the reigns of leadership to someone else. If you have until now gotten away with that foul temper of yours, you must for your own sake begin the process of debriefing yourself as well as getting yourself acquitted with acceptable conducts within marriage.
This is not saying you relinquish the right to be angry when the need arises, but that there are laid down rules of displaying anger within a relationship and marriage in particular. Simply because you have a domineering spirit doesn’t give you the right to insult people or display your temper at will. It shows rudeness as well as someone incapable of managing herself.
Life is about mutual respect. For this man of yours to accord you the respect deserving of your position as his special woman, you must first show him that you are worthy of such special considerations through your own manner.
If you must get angry, do so when you are in the privacy of your room and even that doesn’t give you the liberty to use unprintable words or be uncultured in your approach. Good conduct is a function of one’s upbringing. Therefore, it goes beyond you and this man but telling the world too that your parents, particularly your mother did a good job of entrenching in you the right moral codes.
When a woman leaves her family for her husband’s family, she becomes an ambassador of her family in her new environment. Everybody, particularly in the first few years are on the look out for the quality of training her parents gave her. Her parents are scored on their performance by the attitudes she puts up in her new family. If yours is to insult your husband, display unnecessary temper at the slight opportunity and in the process become rude to everyone around, drag the image of the man through the mud, then you are telling the world that your parents brought you up to be insensitive. That they also indulged you in the way of rudeness to constituted authority.
For this reason you must do everything to change your manner. Besides there are people in your family who are patiently waiting for you to fail in your marriage as a result of past insults and pains your attitude has inflicted on them. The rules in a man’s house are vastly different from those in parents’ homes.
Husbands don’t indulge their wives; they only indulge their daughters. The rule of man and woman relationship is the reverse. The woman pampers and indulges her man as a tool of ensuring she sustains his interest in her and the home.
As a woman you must be careful about how you handle your man to avoid driving him away from you and into the hands of another woman, who gives him the peace he lacks at home.
Being your man, he deserves respect at all times so no matter how provoked you are, learn to control your temper.
One of the attributes of a good and respectful woman is to show her man consideration at all times.
This is also essential because the children pick up their understanding and whatever tools they would need in their own marriage from home.
The best way to help yourself is by learning to keep quiet or walking away when you are feeling all tensed up and ready to explode.
For the simple reason that you are accustomed to your own ways, it would be difficult for you in the beginning not to react. But once you are determined and have it at the back of your mind to change, it would eventually be easy for you.
Furthermore, learn to react less violently with your friends, family members because change doesn’t come easily. For it to work, it has to be a wholesome process of willingness and determination.
In particular, you must be prayerful because old habits are like an addiction. Plenty of grace and help are usually needed in the process of changing from bad to good. So, pray to God for help and guidance to change and make your marriage work.
Good luck.
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