Dear Agatha,
I don't know whom else to confide in but increasingly I have to deal with an uncomfortable situation. I am desperately in love with my driver.
My husband is 35 years older than I am and has lost some of vibrancy in bed. I was 35 years of age when I met and married him last year. His first wife died about two years ago and he was very lonely. I, on the other hand, was desperate to marry and since no young man wanted me enough to ask for my hand in marriage, I gladly gave in to his proposal against the advice of my mother who felt he was too old for me especially as I was four years older than his last child. His first son and daughter have grown up children and aren't too happy at their father's decision to marry someone they consider too young for him.
The main attraction for me was the comfort he offered me. Immediately I agreed to marry him, he gave me the gift of a jeep for a present and employed a driver for me.
From the very moment I saw the driver, I went weak in my knees. For me it has been six months of hell, as my husband seems to be daily depreciating in bed. It takes extra skill and effort to get him going. I haven't enjoyed sex with him since marrying him.
I want the driver though my investigations show he is married. I probably would regret my decision to come to you for counsel, but for now help me. I want him in every way a woman wants a man. I am becoming very desperate and may do something very silly with him.
Desperate Woman.
Dear Desperate Woman,
This man is married and you are married meaning you both belong to other persons. You made your choice to marry the man you are currently married to. Nobody made the decision for you. You knew what you were getting into when you decided to marry a man twice your age. So, why are you now trying to hurt innocent persons by your lust? You have made your choice so the decent thing to do is to stand by your marital vows and if this is impossible for you to do, disengage from it to enable this man have peace in his old age.
If the consequences of your dangerous lust were only yours to carry, it wouldn't have mattered much but everybody close to you and involved in this matter would also share in the aftermath.
For instance, your husband would suffer the most. At 70, have you considered the health implications of your actions on him? Do you think his health is strong enough to withstand the shock of finding out the woman he married is sleeping with the man he pays to drive her around? Do you know the embarrassment it would cause him? The pains and memories he has since buried following the death of his wife all coming back in torrent to hunt him and remind him of what he lost in his first wife?
Have you stopped to put the interest of the man who risked his harmony, friendship with his children and the trust of the family of his late wife to bring you into his life? The man who took you off the streets when no single man wanted to have you for a wife?
If for nothing else, can't you think of the honour, care and comfort he has brought to your life? Where were your sexual lusts when you were searching for a single young man to marry you? Why didn't any of the single men you gave your body to and who gave you sexual bliss interested in marrying you?
Didn't you notice his vibrancy in bed was lost before saying yes to him and his money?
Your attraction to him was because of his money and he hasn't disappointed you from the gifts he has been showering on you right from the moment you agreed to marry him. So, learn to live with your side of the bargain else you risk losing everything, your self-worth and dignity as a woman.
Age robs us of our physical strength and vibrancy but not the love our hearts carry. This man thought he saw something good in you to have invited you to partake in his life when he should be resting. You aren't the only woman he has seen since he lost his wife but asked you to marry him on the strength of what he has convinced himself is different in you. Unfortunately, it seems those who warned him against you are right. If this man means anything to you, don't give in to this temptation, which may send this man to his early grave if he finds out.
If you love this man, there are various ways, including the use of sex enhancing drugs such as viagra to help him enjoy his old age. You can manage his stamina if you are willing and ready. A lot of foreplay and gentle talks can help improve on his performance. He may not have the strength of a young lover but he has the experience to make a whole lot of difference if you are willing to help him and the patience to manage it all. As a good wife you should give him the opportunity of learning new tricks from you, the advantage of your youth.
When a man or woman gets old, he or she looks for support and cooperation from the youth.
Among other things, he married you for companionship, support, to drive away loneliness and for friendship.
Don't destroy this man on account of your lust. You are now all that he has and if you cannot give him your full support then it is best you quit instead of destroying what is left of his life.
Have you also given a thought of what would happen to that man and his family if you seduce him? How would you feel if despite your reservation for your husband, you find out he has someone else in his life? Or he stops caring for you on account of another woman who finds his money an attraction?
How would you feel if another woman waits in the wing to take away the definition of happiness you have with him?
Do you think it is fair on this man's wife? His children? Was it a crime for him to have come to work for you and your family? What happens if he refuses you? Have you thought of the possibility of him doing that on account of his religion or sense of responsibility to his family? Has it occurred to you that he could actually turn you down? If that happens, what would you do?
What if he turns out to use it to blackmail you? Or infects you with a disease money cannot cure? What if you get pregnant in the process? Whose child would the baby be? Would your conscience allow you bring up that child easily knowing it could belong to your lover?
To help you resolve your inner conflict ask yourself what you really want in life? Remember, you married this man because of money and he hasn't failed you. It was a choice you readily made so what has changed? Is sex more important than your responsibilities to your home and husband?
Don't you think you are only being selfish, the same reasons you married this man you have suddenly realised is too old for you in the bedroom?
In the first instance, what are your responsibilities to your husband? Have you in your selfish mind ever given a thought to the effects of your decisions on people around you? Is your lust for this man more important than your responsibilities to your home and husband?
Please allow your driver go since you cannot resist him before the damage is done. If you don't do it for your sake, do it for the sake of your man and the family of the man whose home you are trying to destroy. Since you have allowed your feelings get into the way of rational thinking, keeping him in your employ is only asking for trouble and needless complications in your life.
I am sure if you invest the time you currently dispense lusting after him to thinking of pleasurable ways of making your marriage work as well as improve on your sex life with your husband, it would be more honourable for you especially as his children and family members are expecting you to actually ditch him for a younger man after you must have milked him dry of his money.
The feelings are getting unbearable for you because you see him everyday. Give yourself a break by spending more time with your man. It is the least you can do for this man and yourself.
Marriage is sacred and precious. You don't have the right to break this man's fragile heart because what you are planning definitely will.
Marriage is for better for worse. Sacrifices are part of matrimony once the choice has been made. You weren't forced into it, you made your choice out of desperation and greed. This same desperation can make your marriage work if only you give it the attention your man deserves.
Good luck.
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