Dear Agatha,
I have a problem with my existing relationship. Although we have been dating for seven years, I have no express wish to marry because I don’t love her. All she is interested all these while is marriage.
By next year, I hope to begin my earnest search for the right girl.
However, I am still desirous of holding on to her because as the saying goes, a bird at hand worth two in the bush. What if I don’t eventually meet my dream woman? Won’t having her around be better than nothing?
Please I need your help.
Vershima.
Dear Vershima,
You are a very selfish and inconsiderate person. When did it occur to you that she lacked what you are looking for in your Miss Right? Seven years, you have kept her on, feeding her hopes of you two getting married some day in future. Not once did you give her slightest inkling that you are not satisfied with her person or lacked that type of feelings for her even though deep down you knew you weren’t going to marry her.
How unfair can you be to this girl who has invested seven years of her reproductive life nurturing a relationship and giving you of herself? Have you considered the number of men she might have turned down because of her commitment to you or the things she has endured to keep the relationship with you going?
If she were your sister or daughter, would you approve of any man treating her like this? Where do you expect her to begin from after all these years of waiting patiently for you? What happens to all those years she has invested in this relationship with you? In your opinion do you think what you are about to do to her is fair? Don’t you think she has a right to happiness like you? What happens if you don’t find the right woman on time; keep her rolling on your time until the right one comes?
Even if you don’t love her, don’t you have feelings for her at all? What offence has she committed to make you this heartless and unfeeling towards her?
Why would she not be interested in the topic of marriage after seven years? Hasn’t she waited enough? The number of years you have been together gives her the right to hope, confidence to dream and plan for you two. It is within her right having given you seven years of it.
Had you made it clear from the very beginning that you two people were having a fling, nothing serious, such ambitions on her part could be termed out of place but not when you encouraged the relationship for such a long time!
Try putting yourself in her shoes. How would you fill if she turns around just at this time you assumed all obstacles have been weathered by both of you, she tells you of her intentions to drop you for a man she is yet to meet? A dream you didn’t know she nursed deep within her until the moment she told you and leaves you unceremoniously to lick and face the embarrassment of your wounds all alone?
Be man enough to tell this lady what you feel. You have hurt and deceived her more than enough all these years. The only thing you can do for her now is to tell her the truth. To hold on to her while you look for another woman to take her place in your life would be the height of your wickedness to a woman whose only sin is to have fallen in love with you.
The knowledge of your true feelings for her didn’t come to you today. It is something that you must have known for a long time. Law of fair play and justice demand you ought to have told her at the point you noticed the truth; to have given her the choice of continuing or not.
Holding to her for an extra year isn’t right at all; it would amount to high cruelty on your path. Let her know what you feel now but a lot would depend on how you present the issue to her. Even though she would feel bad about the whole thing, she would eventually get over it and appreciate the fact that you are not leaving her for someone else immediately. On the other hand, to wait until you get someone else before telling her could provoke a violence instigated by bitterness deep within her. This type of violence could lead to several actions, which at the end of the day leave permanent injury.
Remember hell has no fury like the scorn of a woman.
Besides, there is the spiritual implication too. Because she is on the right path, if she goes to God against you, chances are you may not be able to withstand the repercussion of your actions. This is why you must apply caution and wisdom in defusing this time bomb you have set against your interest.
Had you complained about her character, it would have been understood within the context of incompatibility but to simply dismiss her on account of you not being in love with her enough to marry her after seven years would be a hard point to justify.
This is because something other than sex must have kept the relationship going for this long.
And unless you settle down to ask yourself this vital question, you may discover it when it is too late and impossible for you to make amends that you threw away real gold for the fake one.
If you are still waiting to find the right woman after seven years of being with a woman, it underscores some problems with your sense of judgement. And what makes you think you would find the right woman at all?
It is in your interest you look deeply before you leap or your nemesis may just be wrapped in your next step.
Good luck.
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