She has all I crave, but her genotype…

Dear Agatha,

May God bless you for the innumerable advice you daily offer emotionally troubled souls. Please I am confused and badly in need of your advice on an issue that has been giving me sleepless nights.
I am 34 years of age and a self-employed graduate wishing to settle down. But for my business that has been experiencing one hiccups or the other, I would have since married. My immediate younger brother is already married. 
My father, who is very eager to see I marry this year, introduced me to a 26-year-old lady last year. This lady has all I want in a woman and to cap it all, she is a virgin. 

Just when I thought my dream of getting married to my ideal woman has finally come true, it turns out that we are both AS and can’t marry each other, medically speaking. To make matters worse, I had deflowered her before discovering our genotype problem.
Agatha, the love between us is so strong that we don’t want to lose each other. I am planning to get her pregnant so that our families can support our union. I am waiting for your advice.

Dear Desperate Man.

Dear Desperate Man,

Getting her pregnant to win over support of your families isn’t a solution to the medical problem you both have. The concern of your families is well placed. You can only consider your option if it comes from malice and is intended to deprive you of something you know deep down is yours.

In this case, their disapproval is entrenched in the consequences of what you are both contemplating. The after effect won’t be their concern as much as it would be yours. You and your woman would be the ones who daily face the fear of losing a child. Believe me their concern isn’t to deprive you of happiness but to ensure you don’t go into a union you would later regret when you are faced with the reality of caring for a Sickle Cell (SS) baby. 

It can be very traumatic; some couples have had to go their separate ways when the burning feelings of love that made them ignore well-meaning concerns turns to hatred as a result of what they are going through with the child.

Their concern is for the child who would daily experience all sorts of discomfort, go through constant series of medical examinations, get denied the chance to play with friends, excluded from games children like to play as well as the pressure it would put on your marriage each time the child falls sick. 

When things like these begin to happen, it is always easy for both of you to forget the passion of love and query God for allowing it to happen. If you have ever lived or stayed near a Sickle Cell (SS) person you will appreciate that it takes more than love for couples with AS to marry. 

The trauma, headaches and heartaches are what your families are trying to prevent and not the love you both feel for each other.

Even though the blood group of a baby can be ascertained these days during pregnancy, can you withstand the emotional stress of allowing your wife go through abortion each time the foetus is discovered to be SS?

Until the time modern science is able to find a permanent cure for it, the wise thing to do is for dating couples with AS to part but that is not the absolute solution to your problem as long as you are both real enough to look at other areas. Granted, it is a painful process losing one you love so much but this situation is one that should not be sentimentally decided. This is the time for both of you to face reality and consider other options.

Sincerely, if you are both so much in love and cannot afford to stay away from each other, you both have the options of considering adoption in addition to having AS children. Once you are both able to have Sickle Cell free baby, you may consider adopting one or two more if you are keen on having a large family.

Rather than take the panicky decision of getting her pregnant just to force the hands of your families to accepting your decision to marry, you and your woman should first seek knowledge of the implications of your medical history. Go into the internet and find out what Sickle Cell really is and how it can be managed. Find out the options you both have as AS couple; discuss your fears and thoughts with your doctor who is in the best position to give you proper medical directions. 

Knowing the now and future implications of the decision you are about to make is important key to your happiness later in life. 

This way you both would be happy for the rest of your lives with the decision you take now. This is most important.

Good luck. 

My brother-in-law forced himself on my sister

Dear Agatha,

Please, I need your help in resolving this issue before it boomerangs on me. My brother-in-law moved into our house sometime last year. He had a major disagreement with his wife and had to move out of the house. Efforts to get the wife to say something met with cold silence. His children too didn’t want to say anything on the matter. One thing was very apparent; the children supported their mother and my brother-in-law has called them bastards for doing that.

Until that moment, everyone in the family thought he owned the property, the money and was very responsible. It was when he moved out that it dawned on everyone that his wife was really the one providing for the family. 

I wasn’t informed when the brothers and their mother decided he was coming to stay with us. I came back from work one day and found him at home. Though I wasn’t comfortable but I didn’t have much of a choice in the matter. To be honest, all along I had been among those in the family condemning his wife and calling her all sorts of names. She is one woman who didn’t mix with other members of the family and appeared snobbish when she had the time to attend any family function. I didn’t like her much because she always kept to herself. I assumed this was because her husband was the wealthiest in the family.

Besides, looking at them from afar, one would naturally assume she is the difficult type and my brother-in-law the easygoing type.

How wrong human beings can be. His coming to my house actually opened my eyes to his behaviour. He is the kind of man who is loud, insensitive, dirty and acutely irresponsible. 

Within a week of his coming to stay with us, he started dating a single mother of two, three houses away from ours. I got to know about this through my daughter who told me that the lady comes to visit them once we leave in the morning.

I didn’t know what to make of this until she told me that ‘big daddy’ always takes her to his room until evening.

After making sure I had all the facts, I came back home one afternoon to meet the two of them locked in an intimate embrace right in the living room. One would have expected him to be shocked by my appearance but he simply ignored me and continued with the lady.

I was furious but didn’t say anything. I phoned my husband who told me it was not my business; that being his elder brother, I should shut up.

That incident passed. I refused to say anything on the matter after the way my husband spoke to me. 

I later got to know that he dumped her for another single lady who works in a bank. I was forced to report the matter to my mother-in-law when I learnt the two ladies fought over him right on the street. If I expected my mother-in-law to be offended by his behaviour, I was disappointed. She told me to mind my business and stop listening to gossips; that at 48, her son was too young to be without a woman in his life. 

I didn’t like what was happening but my husband and his mother weren’t ready to help. I didn’t know who to turn to in the family so I decided to keep to myself as much as possible. I wasn’t happy anymore in my home until my sister called to say she was coming to stay a few weeks, I was happy.

She was waiting to gain admission into the university and has always been the good girl in the family.

Agatha, can you imagine my pains when my brother-in-law forced himself on her, deflowering the innocent girl right under my roof? When I came back from work to find my sister’s pride taken away, it was too much for me. I went berserk and slapped my brother-in-law. This is now my albatross. 

Instead of my in-laws to discuss the issue of my sister’s defilement by their son, their focus is now my assault of their eldest son and child. Painfully, my husband who should be embarrassed by what his brother did to his sister-in-law says I should pack out of the house pending the time the issue will be resolved. His mother is also toeing the same line.

My mother is very angry and threatening to sue if my in-laws insist on their line of action.

Agatha, there is so much confusion in my home and family and I am at the centre of it all. I recently found out that the problem between my brother-in-law and his wife had to do with him sleeping with her best friend and her younger sister. If I had known, I wouldn’t have made the mistake of bringing my sister to my house. The most painful aspect is that my husband knew all about this and kept it from me.

Please, I don’t know what to do. Much as I don’t want a broken home, I just cannot turn my back on my sister. What do I do? Leave my home as my husband and his family are insisting I do or stay back and apologise to the man who should be pleading for forgiveness from me and my sister?

Katherine.

Dear Katherine, 

This is tough as you are between the devil and the deep blue sea. This is the best time to seek the face of God. There is no way you can achieve much on your own without the help of God.

Anger won’t help you at all. Any attempt to hold on to your anger would prevent you from thinking rationally. If you are not careful, you will make a mistake, one you would later regret.

One thing you should prevent is the break up of your home. Obviously your husband lacks the will to resist whatever foundational challenge is enveloping his family. 

He would need you to liberate him from the claws of this invisible force. I am sure until this moment, your husband hasn’t done anything to offend you or given you a reason to regret marrying him. For these kinds of things to be happening, you need to be careful and reflect deeply on the developments in your husband’s family. If you leave, your marriage would be the second one to collapse within two years. It is not a nice record for your children because it is their family name that is involved.

The wisdom of this is to apologise for slapping him. Even though he deserves to be slapped, the fact that he is your brother-in-law, your husband’s elder brother, this is the reason the family is taking a stand against you. Had you handed the issue over to your husband when you found out what his brother did to your sister, he may have behaved differently. Slapping his elder brother, irrespective of what he has done in the opinion of your husband means he is incapable of handling the matter.

Frankly, this could be the reason he is refusing to fight on your side since you have through your actions denied him a say in the matter.

To neutralise the hold of the family over him, you have to seek him out in the middle of the night, after you must have prayed to God to grant you grace. Start by reminding him of your love and respect for him and his family. Follow this with an apology to him for taking laws into your hands by not first informing him of what his brother had done to your sister. Let him know you did it on impulse because the sight of your sister’s condition infuriated you.

The essence of this is to ensure, you get him back on your side. Once you are able to win him back, the matter would be easier to resolve. Your husband’s fight is one of ego and not one of insensitivity to what his brother has done to your sister. He is simply hurt that you didn’t consult him before slapping his elder brother.

The moment you settle with your husband, you have secured back your home from his family. The resistance against you would be watered down completely by the lack of support from your husband.

Frankly, you left the issue of your brother-in-law too late. From the moment he started misbehaving, you should have gone on your knees to pray him out of your home. You must learn how to pray your home out of slimy waters like this one. Your strength as a woman and mother are on bent praying knees. You shouldn’t have brought your sister to stay under the same roof with a man who has no decorum when it comes to women. 

As for your sister, take her to see a doctor immediately as well as enroll her for counselling to be able live normally again. If your mother makes good her threat to report the matter to the Police, it would only complicate things for everybody. Because of the delicate nature of her assailant, this is one case all of you must resolve to bury. Though your sister is the greatest loser here but it would save you from greater problems at the end of the day.

Good luck.

Inability to let go her past threatens my love for her…

Dear Agatha, 

God bless you richly for your wise and loving counsel on different issues bothering on very sensitive areas of life. I met this girl at a wedding in July 2009. I was the best man while she was the chief bride’s maid. I asked her out and she accepted. 

She told me she has a school boyfriend and pleaded with me to give her time to sort herself out with the guy. I agreed to her request. After some months, she called to let me know that she is no longer going out with the boy. But the problem I’m facing now is that, any time she comes to Lagos to visit me, the boy will still be calling her on phone and thπe manner in which they will be talking tells me that they are still together. But she keeps assuring me they are just friends now.

There is also another guy who calls her all the time. The impression she gives me of this guy is that he is interested in her while she isn’t, that she sees him as a friend. There was a day I was going through her phone, I saw a text message she sent to this guy at the end of the message she wrote that she loves him. When I confronted her with this, she told me the guy assisted her with money and that was what informed her sending the message to him. I’m confused. I don’t know if she is faithful or she is just playing with my intelligence. I love this girl to the extent that I want to marry her. I am 34 years old, while she is 23 years. She is a final year student in one of the universities in eastern Nigeria. Please I need your advice.

Vicky Jnr.

Dear Vicky Jnr,

Don’t rush anything with her. Take each day as it comes. This attitude would enable you to get to know her more than you do now as well as integrate trust into the relationship. 

Every young girl has a number of men interested in her. For certain reasons, some of these men would never leave her life no matter how much she tries to discourage them. They end up being permanent friends and helpers to each other. I am sure you also have females in your life that you started out liking but ended up being just friends. That these men are calling her isn’t the same as she is dating them. 

The endearments we use in addressing people close to us come from our own disposition to life. If she is the liberal minded person and as a show of appreciation for helping out of a difficult corner, the endearment may be a show of gratitude than for any romantic feelings between the two of them.

You can only be sure if she is telling the truth if you are both matured enough to handle this matter without suspicions. One way is to ask to thank him for being very supportive of your girlfriend. Don’t do this because you want to find out if she is telling the truth or not, but because you are desirous of being friends with those who are her friends. Do this without prejudice. If she resists, don’t push, drop the issue for a while before taking the steps of discussing your observations with her. In discussing your feelings, don’t make it appear as if your aim is to unearth whatever it is she is trying to hide even if that is precisely what your intentions are. 

Every relationship needs a great measure of trust to be fully lubricated. Don’t lose sight of the salient fact that before you came into her life, she had people in it just like you before you met her. If these calls really bother you so much, it is not just letting her know, outline the damage they are doing to the relationship as well as the fact that you may not be able to cope with it anymore.

However there is an issue you should address with all the seriousness it deserves. Why would she go to another man to pay her way when you are in her life? Is it that she doesn’t have the freedom to approach you for financial help? Did you know she was in need for money for something? 

Whether we like it or not, when a young lady is desperate for money and the man in her life isn’t forthcoming, she is exposed to all sorts of temptations from other men. At the point of desperation, it takes only the grace of God for her not to fall prey to the many temptations coming her way. If what she needs money for is such that has a deadline, the chances of her capitulating to temptations are high. 

That she went outside of you to source for money underscores a relationship that has not fully berthed. Even if you don’t have to give her, you should by right be the first person for her to come to. That you didn’t know anything about her need and subsequent solution to it means you both need to sit down to either discuss your relationship or re-evaluate it altogether.

When a pair is in a relationship, everything should be the concern of the other. Trust is a two-way thing. Nothing should hold back the other person from seeking the help of the other. That she didn’t tell you, confirms that trust is in very short supply in your relationship with her.

So, it is more than the issue of you not trusting the nature of her relationship with these other men to nature of your relationship with each other. It is only when you resolve the thorny issue of the quality of your relationship with each other that you can both talk about all the other distractions you are facing with third parties.

You may have the intentions to marry her but are your intentions transparent to her? Are your signals very strong enough to warrant her to rely on you completely? Every word needs an action to give it life.

Above all both of you need to search deeply into your minds to know what you want from life first and each other secondly to be able to move on with this relationship. You both must be ready to invest yourselves into each other’s life to make it give this relationship the boost it deserves.

One thing you should never do as a man is to search through your woman’s phone. It demeans your status as the leader of the team as well as erodes your confidence as the man in her life. Maturity is allowing things happen in their time and season. If any woman is cheating on her man, the evidence of her unfaithfulness would eventually manifest and certainly not by going through her messages.

If she has the confidence to take these calls while with you, these guys may not be the real threat. The real threats are the phone calls that would not be answered or taken in the bathrooms or some isolated places. When searching for a clue to one’s partner’s unfaithfulness, look for them in the things that are not being done rather than the ones that are being done.

Furthermore stop acting desperate. Only an anxious man would go through a woman’s phone. Learn to be confident in your abilities as a man. Every relationship has its strength as well as weakness. Learn by heart what is the strength of your relationship with this woman, and hold on to it jealously. If she is meant to be yours, she will eventually be.

Good luck.

God chooses her for me; she thinks the contrary

Dear Agatha,

Please help me. I have been in love with a lady for seven years without any problem. We like each other and have agreed to marry. However problem started two years ago when she began to date another man, a development which led to her ignoring me completely. 

I have asked God to bring another woman my way if she isn’t His choice for me but my spirit keeps telling me she is my wife but she simply refuses to listen to me anytime I approach her. Please what do I do?             

Mr. Worried.

Dear Mr. Worried, 

Why did she leave you after seven years for another man? Was there or has there been any disagreement between the two of you? What happened to your seven year old dream?

One thing is to feel it down in your spirit that she is the right one for you; another thing is to be ready to make the sacrifices that come with entrenching an enduring relationship.

Seven years are enough for both of you to have understood yourselves very well. At that age, your relationship shouldn’t be having the problem of abandonment whatsoever.

What went wrong between the two of you? What did you two do to help stabilise the relationship? What were your own faults and how did you treat her as your woman? A lot of time, when a woman leaves for another relationship, it may not necessarily be because she is promiscuous or greedy, it may just be because her former man didn’t give her the kind of attention and care she needs as a woman.

You may not realise it at the time she was with you but if you want to do yourself a world of good, take a step back in time to the beginning of your relationship with her. Go through every page of your seven years together. Take the time to pay detailed attention to those years, her constant complaints about you? The things she didn’t like as well as the quality of happiness you were able to give her!

Deep down and in retrospect, would you say, you were very fair to her? There are so many things we do without us realising its implications until it is too late.

Everyday is however a new opportunity for us to make amends in life. Whatever it is you haven’t done right with her, you have a new chance of doing right with another woman or with her if God says you two are meant to be.

But the important thing now is to hear clearly from God. It is about what you feel but what God is saying is good for you. If she has given her commitment to another man, the right thing is for you to step aside and allow them be. To continue to hang around in hope that she would come back to you after two years of walking out on you is to deny yourself a chance at happiness again. Whatever made her decide against you after seven years must be strong and needs addressing in your life to help you in your new relationship. 

Your concern now should be not to make the same mistakes you made with her with another woman. Some things are not just meant to be in life no matter how much we desire them.

She will continue to ignore you because she has found happiness with someone else and wouldn’t want you to destroy it. The best you can hope for from her is to be your friend but not when the issues that informed her leaving you appears to be still hurting her. It appears like a case of you crying over spilt milk.  When appreciation comes too late in a relationship, a whole lot of things may have been damaged beyond repairs. 

By waiting in the wing hoping her relationship with her new man falls into pieces isn’t a solution. Rather, you should let go and pray the right prayer to God for intervention in your own life.

You are not hearing clearly from God because your mind is preset into having her back at all cost. You can only hear from God when you are quiet and patient enough to give Him the opportunity to speak to you. This means your hurt, disappointments, and desperation must give way to appreciation of the ways of God.

God doesn’t make mistakes. Give God all the glory that this break up didn’t happen after you have married; that would have been very devastating and its consequences very difficult to untangle from. That it happened before you both could say I do, should be viewed by you as an act of God’s divine mercy. Listen to Him with patience.

Good luck. 

Choosing between two guys in my life…

Dear Agatha,

I am finding it hard to love again as a result of my past experiences with my ex. 

However, last year I dated for six months a man who lives outside the country. Initially his attitude was very pleasant but suddenly he changed along the line. He started from accusing me of feeling too big.  Not only did I find this accusation baseless but hilarious for the simple reason that we hadn’t even met. How can someone who hasn’t seen me accuse me of being arrogant?  

Eventually, the relationship suffered instability following the series of dreams I had of seeing him with another woman. His entire attitude changed and I had to stop calling or sending him text messages. As my dream foretold, I discovered he was dating a Nigerian girl in United States of America and wanted to marry her. That was when I understood the reason for the change in his behaviour, another girl was involved in his life. Somehow things didn’t work out as planned for them because he came to Nigeria in December last year. 

Before then, another guy whom I have been friend with for eight years had proposed to me. He did on January 1. I told him we should wait to hear from God because marriage isn’t something one rushes into. The issue now is do I tell him about this guy in my life? I mean the one in America. 

Already, the one in America is back in my life but the truth is that I have to choose between the two of them because I have never double dated in my life. I don’t intend to start now either. 

Recently, I chanced on a love text message sent by another girl to the second guy. When I confronted him, he said the girl was his ex. I didn’t argue but handed the issue to God.

Just as this was going on, I heard the one in America came back to pay the bride price for another woman. When I phoned him to know if the story is true, he said it wasn’t something to be discussed on phone and that we have to see to be able to trash it out. All I wanted was a simple yes or no answer but he insisted he wouldn’t talk until we see. I have also told him that I won’t see him unless he tells me what the situation is. 

Agatha, these guys are both from the same state. I am convinced that the second guy is really serious about marrying me but I don’t want it to appear as if I am marrying him out of compassion. He loves me but the issue remains, are we really meant to be?

I know there is nobody without faults but in this case, I don’t know what to do. Please advise me. 

Worried Lady.

Dear Worried Lady, 

Why would the second guy think you are marrying him out of compassion? I find nothing in your mail to give rise to this line of thinking at all. Unless there is more to this than what you have said, if you think he is the one that would make you happier, please go ahead.

But frankly, the issue here isn’t with the guy but with you. From all indices you are the one who hasn’t made up your mind on what you want from life. The fact that you are ripe for a relationship and in one doesn’t necessarily mean you are emotionally ready to be in any relationship.

The first question you should ask yourself is if you are truly ready to share your space and heart with another man? It is only when you are really convinced that you are that you can answer the question of whether you are really meant to be.

To get it right, go to your past and re-examine the disappointments you suffered. If you want a happier life and workable relationship, it is important you are honest with yourself on this. Think, can you in all honesty claim to be blame free in all these disappointments? Were they all from the men you dated or from your own inability to interpret your emotions as well as key into your responsibilities in these relationships?

Every relationship has its rule. This comes from our own individualism. You must be able to read with some perfect accuracy the person of your partner to know how to key into making the person happy. The mistake most people make is to assume that because something worked in a previous relationship, it would work in another. How much efforts were you able to put in getting the best out of your previous relationships? One thing is to entrust God with one’s life, another thing is to allow oneself to be led by God into doing the right things.

Often than not the measure of our disappointments come from our inability to interpret the amount of sacrifices we are expected to invest in making a particular relationship work. The most difficult relationships end up becoming the happiest at the end of the day because of the willingness of one of the parties to invest patience, endurance and wisdom into it.

By the time you view your past disappointments from the angle of your own weaknesses, you will understand that behind every of disappointment there is always room for improvement. 

You can only be pleased with your own disappointments if you are willing to learn from every experience in life. Chances are your previous disappointments come from your own inability to read the plan of your life, which could have made you know the kind of man you need to help you grow spiritually and emotionally. A woman’s support base is anchored on the kind of man in her life. If the wrong man finds his way into a woman’s life her chances of entering into her full bloom is very slim. The same thing applies to a man which is one reason every woman and man must be careful on the final choice of a life partner.

Therefore you need to sit back to pray and think. What kind of man do you think can really give you the kind of happiness and fulfillment you desire in life?

From your mail, there is really nothing between you and the USA based man. Frankly, what you know of him isn’t anything to go by. Whatever kind of relationship you have had with him could be best described as a blind date. If you find out that he hasn’t paid the bride price of any woman and are interested in having him in your life you have to begin new with him. Both of you have to create the time to know yourselves, find out your nature as well as your strengths and weaknesses.

With what you both have on ground now, there is nothing much to warrant you both discussing marriage. Give yourselves the opportunity to know each other beyond routine telephone conversations. Whatever consideration you are putting into him, give attention to friendship. Every relationship needs good measure of friendship to make it survive attendant difficult times that are bound to come in every relationship.

Again, you have to appreciate who you are, fall in love with yourself to enable you give of it too. You must have love in you to be able to give it.

From your response to the second guy, it is seems you are not in love with him. Don’t, out of desperation for avoidance of future regrets, go into a relationship you know may not work for you at the end of the day.

If you are really serious about submitting to the will of God, do so whole-heartedly. Give it all up to God. He will show you what to do and whom He has for you.

Don’t be afraid to pray them out of your life if you are not comfortable with either of them. It is the only way a fresh and promising man can come.

Good luck.

My wife has irregular menstrual cycle

Dear Agatha,
Please I need your help. My wife’s menstrual cycle is irregular it comes 
sometimes on the 26th, 28th, 30th or 35th day making it difficult for us to calculate her ovulation period.
We have been having intercourse immediately after her menstrual cycle for the past two years. We have gone for fertility test and I am okay. After two 
months follow up on her, the doctor said he couldn’t find any egg, which means ovulation isn’t taking place.  
What could have caused it? Please what do we do?
Worried Husband.

Dear Worried Husband, 

Please go to any teaching hospital nearest you for second opinion. The issue you have outlined here is above my layman knowledge. You will need a specialist in the area of gynecology to properly tell you why she isn’t ovulating despite bleeding every month. 

If her case requires drugs the specialist would say so. Whatever is required to help her, the specialist would tell you.

You can be rest assured however that her issue isn’t peculiar and isn’t something that cannot be treated.

Good luck.

 

Valentine’s Day: Cheers, tears or pains after…

Dear Readers, 

Today is Valentine’s Day, a day set aside to celebrate love. The airwaves will be enveloped in very romantic songs guaranteed to awaken, in young and old, the sentiments of love.

For some of us, it would be trip back to yesteryears, to those days when the world was a beautiful canvass made of rose petal paints; when all we lived for was the voice and face of that special person; when hearts missed fantastic beats and when even the birds could compose for us love poems if only we understood its lyrics.

Doubtless, love is a powerful mix, but not properly managed can be a dream destroyer. 

While entrepreneurs will today make so much profit from keeping alive this tradition of Valentine, reality indicates that so many young girls will today lose out on the bright tomorrow they dreamt of.

The reason for this is simple. A lot of mood music will bring out the monsters in some young men; help them to become careless and daring. Any girl unfortunate to walk into this mood would become prey and victim of this year’s Valentine’s Day.

A letter came in recently from a young lady, 16, and a mother of a 10-week-old baby. I deliberately kept this letter till today because is a story of the other side of Valentine.

According to Esther, the writer of this letter, she and her friends went on a Valentine Day’s outing last year in the company of some male colleagues from school. They decided to go to the beach since it was a Sunday. 

According to her, the mood music at the beach was enough to make anybody fall in love all over again. 

She danced with one of the boys from her school and before she knew what was happening, they were at a secluded place by the beach where they had the privacy to explore each other’s body. Lost in the lyrics of the mood music as well as the love poisoned general theme of the day, the boy forced himself on her right there at the beach. 

In her words, “I was too ashamed to do anything about it because I was also carried away by the romance in the air to protest too much. Although he later apologised but the harm had been done. From the appearances of my friends, I discovered I wasn’t the only one; later all the girls confessed to have done it willingly or was forced into it.”

Unfortunately, that one moment of unguarded pleasure resulted into a pregnancy. Even though the boy in question was decent enough to accept responsibility of the child, she was who dropped out of school to have the child while the boy moved on with his life.

She is the one who has to bear the title of ‘after-one’ as well as the burden of having a child at 16. As the woman, she is the one who has to, for the rest of her life, explain her moral values, try to erase wrong impressions of her by people who think any woman who has a child at the age she did is simply promiscuous.

She asked three important questions in her letter to me; “is the celebration of the day really worth it? I am today a premature mother because of Valentine’s Day. Can’t it be banned? Is there any way young girls like me can be educated on the dangers ahead of the day? Auntie Agatha, help prevent what happened to me from happening to other innocent girls.

Hum… Esther I hope you are reading this. Our yearly series “Just Before Valentine” is aimed at preventing something like this. 

The Value of Valentine’s Day can only be appreciated if we stop clothing it with the garment of romance only. Love is too profound and vital to limit its celebration to just one day.

Every extra day we spend on earth is a gift of love from God. Without love the world would be blanketed in hatred and that is why everywhere around us, violence is reigning supreme. If love were given a free rein to flow in our veins and souls, no fellow human being would raise a finger against a fellow human being let alone using dangerous weapons like machetes to chop off heads of fellow human beings especially defenseless women and innocent children.

A look around us shows that we need another kind of love. The kind that showcases the dignity of human life; the kind that encourages wives to accord their husbands irrespective of his economical relevance in the home quality respect; the kind that teaches children that though our tribes, tongues and religions may differ but in brotherhood we stand; the kind of love that eradicates selfishness and encourages friendship across the world.

Valentine’s Day is deeper than emblem of a one-day thing. If we are conscious of its meaning we would give unconditionally to our partners support, friendship, loyalty and dedication as well as learn to be patient with our relationships when things are not going our way.

Just like those beasts in human clothing masquerading as humans in Jos and other troubled spots in the country, any man who hides under the excuse of celebrating lovers’ day to debase a woman isn’t different from those murderers. 

Love is a constant thing, a vital part of our lives. Everyday is a celebration of love.

As we commemorate Valentine’s Day, young girls especially should be mindful of the quality of men they go out with today as well as where they go. They should avoid staying out very late to avoid the ugly incident of ‘celebrating’ it with a total stranger.

Young girls like Esther should celebrate with their families at home. 

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.

Can my in-law choose ante-natal clinic for my wife?

Dear Agatha,

I am a graduate of accounting and gainfully employed in one of the newspaper houses as a sales marketing and advert officer of a state in the South West of Nigeria. Immediately I was employed, the management
transferred me to another state also within the zone.

This meant leaving my girlfriend behind in Lagos. At 22, a virgin and a senior secondary school holder, her physique is very mature and she is well-exposed despite her young age. Besides, she is into phone business in Ikeja. 

When I came to my new station, I lived in a one room apartment until I was able to save to rent a two-bedroom flat; preparatory to my settling down with my woman. 

In August last year, we performed our introduction ceremony. She was still a virgin at the time of our introduction. But I started having strange dreams about her after our introduction. I simply couldn’t decode the meaning of the dreams.

I observed that whenever I invite her to come over for the weekends, her mother would begin to give all sorts of excuses why my wife should not visit me. Her mother would call to say I shouldn’t act impatiently; that as the bridegroom, I should be patient.

It took several pleas from me to her mother before she was allowed to come in early December to visit me.

To my surprise and pains recently, she was found to have been deflowered. In tears she told me she was raped by two guys whose names she mentioned. I asked if her parents are aware and why she didn’t report the incident at the police. She said she was too ashamed to tell either her parents or the police. Although she refused to swear by the Bible when I asked her to do so, I forgave her for the sake of love. 

After her visit, I got a revelation through my prophet in the church. I recorded it on my phone which I played to her when she came over for the Xmas holiday. After listening to the revelation, she confessed that she wasn’t raped, was actually dating the guy who deflowered her.

I reported the incident to her family and was invited to a meeting with them in Lagos. At the meeting, the elder sister asked if I wasn’t dating another woman at my new station. I felt bad at the comments and attitude of her family members.

To cut the long story short, they told me she cannot stay with me in Akure and that I should rent a two-bedroom flat in Lagos, which may cost me an outrageous amount that would fetch me a piece of land in Akure and even build a foundation on it.

There and then, I told them nobody can control my home and that if they want me to marry their daughter, I have to be given complete authority in my home. 

Already she is pregnant by me and rather than allow me to decide which hospital she would be registered for ante natal clinic (ANC), the mother took her to their family hospital for antenatal. She demanded N8,000.00 for just registration whereas N500 would have got her registered in Akure in a quality hospital.  I told the mother that I couldn’t afford such an amount considering my salary. I sent N4,000.00 being the amount I could afford.

Agatha, is it the duty of my mother-in-law to register my wife for ante natal? Is it right for them to dictate where I should reside with my wife?  Please advise me.

Worried Man.

Dear Worried Man, 

No they don’t have the right to dictate where you and your wife stay or the hospital she would attend. Once a woman gets married, her family takes the back roll in her affairs; this is the ideal.

The best they can do is to offer suggestions and not take the initiative of decision away from you as the head of the home.

They may however be acting this way because you haven’t paid the bride price. Under the law, she isn’t your wife yet eve though you have done the introductions. Unless the bride price is paid, you cannot insist on anything with force and authority this issue deserves.

Despite being pregnant by you, you are still technically her boyfriend until the full rite is done on her.

There are so many things attached to the title of a husband. It is either you are man enough to marry her in full or forget that you have any rights to exercise over her.

This is what her family is playing on. If she were your wife, none of them would have the guts to support her unfaithfulness to you or insist on where you both live. If you had done the ceremony in full, the mother cannot tell you when or when not to see your wife. 

Honestly, the first step now isn’t in where she registers but how you can complete the process of all marriage rites on her. Go with your people to pay her bride price using her pregnancy as reason to hasten the process. For now, don’t argue too much with her family over where you would both stay; the important thing is for them to accept to your proposal to complete all there is to do concerning the all marriage rites on her.

Ideally, your woman should be the one pushing to be with her man but it appears that she is incapable of taking any decision for herself. This accounts for the overwhelming influence of her family on your relationship. 

You have to find a way of taking charge of the heart of your woman. You must make her earn your confidence enough to make her resist her family’s interferences in your lives.

Without this, your wife and home will always be governed by outsiders. This is dangerous for you as well as the development of your home. A man who leaves the control of his home to outsiders never acquires the required peace to be happy. 

Marriage is a personal thing that must be rightly guided at all times. Fully marry her and take control of your wife and coming child.

Good luck.