Single at 39, my pride abhors the widower available…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 39 years of age. In the opinion of everybody around me, I am extremely beautiful, a fact I am also very aware of. Ever since I was young, I have enjoyed the attention of men. Even when I don’t want such attentions, I still get them. So I got used to using my looks to my advantage, even to lure lecturers to give me a soft landing in my exams. None of my relationships lasted for long due to jealousy. I was always at loggerheads with any man in my life. Since my ways were working for me, I didn’t have any reason to bother. Overnight, I discovered that my less beautiful friends are today married with their own families. Only married men desire me. The single ones that trickle in are more interested in my body than having me for a wife. The beauty that worked for me back then seems to have become my fall. The reason I am writing has to do with my latest challenge. It has to do with the man I recently met in church, introduced to me by my pastor. According to my pastor, he is a widower. But the problem is that he isn’t my kind of man; he is short, ugly and below the standards of the men I have dated in my life. However, I am told by the pastor he is my husband; the man God wants to use in helping to remove my shame as a woman. According to my pastor, if I refuse to marry him, I will never get married in my life as God. He said the prayer of my mother is the reason I am being given this chance to marry. That God through His choice for me is to teach how to be humble. This is why I am writing for help. There is no way I can even bring myself to greet this man let alone have him for a husband. I can’t introduce him to any of my friends as the man in my life. We are worlds apart despite his claims to having a university degree in Accountancy. But like every woman my age, I am desperate to settle down and being a family of my own. All my younger sisters and brothers are married and happy with their partners. Everybody addresses me as madam. My nieces and nephews all address me as big mummy. I am so confused about everything. Please help me. Titi. Dear Titi, Are you sure you are serious about being married? From your e-mail, it is obvious that you aren’t serious about getting married at all; instead you are contented in glorifying in your beauty. Besides, what gives you the impression that the man after getting close to your person would want to marry you in the long run? No matter how desperate this man is, he wouldn’t, considering the memories of his late wife would want to risk living with a woman who has little or no respect for him. He needs a woman who is full of compassion, who is ready to assist him to heal from the horror of losing a loved one and not one who is more concerned about her looks and what friends would think of her choice. If your friends care so much about you, how come you are still single at your age and they are married with their own families? Should they have done something to help you settle down when they were contemplating their own marriages? But, it isn’t your friends who are lonely, getting expired on the viability shelf. They aren’t the ones being called big mummy when they are even yet to get the marriage proposals. A woman who is serious about her desire to end up in a man’s house doesn’t play the things you are playing up. At almost 40 you should have gone past the unrealistic phase of every woman to marry the tall, rich and handsome guy. If you are still single at your age, doesn’t it tell you that it is time to come down from your lofty heights and become real with yourself? What have you gained from dating the kinds of men you elected to date beyond heartache? I am sure if you are truthful, you will agree with me that beyond the temporary sexual and perhaps certain material gains, there is nothing meaningful in your life to point at. Life is much more than what we look on the inside. It is what we house inside of us. As you have found out from the many experiences you have had, good looks don’t guarantee happiness and satisfaction. Which is the real issue in all these. There is no way any man, even if ordered from Mars can ever give you the kind of joy and happiness you want if you lack the discipline to isolate your real self. Who are you? Beyond your looks, what do you have going for you? What can you offer a man in terms of quality contribution to his life and home? What kind of wife and mother will you make? If you were a man, would you go for a woman like you? I ask these questions because sex, which is what you have from your story offered men is the easiest and cheapest thing a woman can give a man. Therefore, it isn’t a reason for any man to want to hold down a bad marriage or any kind of marriage for that matter. For a woman to survive the politics of her husband’s house, she needs something much more to make her relevant in her husband’s life. And these things are not a woman’s look or performance in the bedroom. These are things you don’t have at all. Your mother by standing in gap for you may have bought you mercy from the Throne of Grace but you have to know what to do with it to make it work for you. There is no way you can be happy with a man if you maintain your arrogant posture. Much as nobody can force you into staying with a man you are not comfortable with, the fact remains that wisdom is integral to man’s existence. It is what makes the difference between failure and success. At this stage, you should sit down to examine what life has left to offer you. Forget what this man looks like to what he can offer you. Who is he like inside? Most of the time our glow and true nature come from within. We are mostly what we encase inside of us at all times. Our pleasantness, relationships, temperaments, attitudes and character as what we have inside of us. This is where our haughtiness and pride also come from. Whatever we are come from the inside. One maybe good looking on the outside, but if lacking in good manners becomes ugly. Give yourself a chance to be happy by listening to whatever he has to say. Train your mind to forget his looks. Behind every seemingly ugly person is a hidden treasure, the kind of beauty difficult to ignore. Granted yours is the surface kind of beauty, his could be the inner kind. It is like the raw gold; ugly at its most raw form but beautiful and precious after the goldsmith has endured the heat, pains of transforming it to the more common form women generally adore. There is no story without pains and disappointments. Life has more to offer than good looks. Explore what life offers you in the form of this man by opening your heart to listen to him. If you don’t divorce yourself from those feeling of worthless superiority you have, you will never get to know the real him. God that brought him your way has a reason. Humility is part of our transformation to God’s way; who at any rate is the most superior. Just as you are the image of God, this man you think is ugly represents a side of God, so to call him ugly is to question His ways. Pride always goes before fall. You have the right to seek clarification from God by learning to trust Him no matter what. Perhaps this will help you know what is most important at this stage of your life; being happy in life irrespective of what your friends think about your husband or making your friends happy while you cope with loneliness and unhappiness? The choice is yours. Good luck.

How do I tell her of my twins outside wedlock?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I got married 17 years ago to the most amazing woman. Although we are yet to have children of our own, my wife is outstanding and very supportive. When I lost my job, a year after we got married, she took on the responsibility of fending for us and even paying our rent. The money I eventually used in starting my business, she gave me. Although my family has severally tried to break us up, I have always stood my ground, always reminding them of those trying times when things were very difficult for me. Once or twice, I have played the field, but I have always come back home to my wife. One of those times was when I didn’t have a job and the frustration of staying at home all day really got to me. I had a serious thing with one lady I met at a bar I went to with my friends. She too was good to me and very pretty. Sincerely, if I wasn’t married or my wife wasn’t the nagging kind, I would have married that lady. The fact that she also left me without a word or a forwarding address also contributed to the end of the relationship. I doubt if I would ever have been able to let go of her. Quite by accident, I ran into the lady at a shopping mall where a friend of mine has his office about a month ago. She also has a shop there. Something stopped me from telling her why I came to the mall. I mumbled something about coming for shopping. She pointed her shop to me and I went in with her to talk. I noticed she wasn’t wearing a wedding ring, so I asked if she was still single, she said yes but declared that she is a mother of two – a set of twins. I wanted to know who the father of the children was and why she didn’t marry their father. All I got from her was a simple answer of the man not being available to marry her. It was quite sometime when we parted that day. The children, according to her, were in boarding school. She didn’t give their ages and I didn’t force her for an answer. But I insisted on having her phone number, which she obliged me. About two weeks ago, I called her only for her to inform me that she was in the hospital with one of the twins. According to her, he fell while playing ball and hit his head on the ground. He has been unconscious since the incident. I told her I was coming down to the hospital to be with her. She said I shouldn’t bother, but since I knew the hospital I went despite her objections. In the ward, I saw a young lady, the mirror image of my elder sister and the boy on the bed the image of my elder brother, both of whom are twins. I am their Idowu. Something happened when my son woke up. He smiled and called me daddy. He said he saw me in his dream urging him to come back. He was discharged the next day hail and hearty. She later told me that evening why she kept the news of her pregnancy and births of the twins from me. She said she didn’t have the heart to break my home just as she couldn’t bring herself to abort the pregnancy then. She revealed it was her only chance of being a mother as doctors had told her after the abortion she had before meeting me that her chances of being pregnant again was very slim, if not impossible. I really want to have her and the children in my life, though I never planned to have two wives but I simply cannot walk away from this situation. Already, I have taken them to see my mother and siblings who are all very happy. In fact my elder sister is so smitten by the looks of the twins, she wants them to spend the holidays with her family. She has placed their picture in her living room. Her twin is also as excited. In their usual way they are fighting over who gets them first. Incidentally, none of them has twins. Agatha, I don’t know how to approach my wife with this news. God knows I didn’t plan it and would never do anything on earth to hurt her. I know this news will break her heart but it would be irresponsible on my part to turn my back on my children now. Some of my friends say I should keep my new family a secret from her, that what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. I am really tempted to run with this. My family can always be persuaded not to tell her. The children and mother are also understanding of my predicament. What do you think Agatha? Idowu. Dear Idowu, When a man and woman make love without any form of protection, the man should be ready for a situation like this. It is unfortunate that someone else will have to suffer the pains, humiliation and betrayal of your actions. It is definitely going to be a deep anguish for this woman who has stood by you for 17 years, giving you her best and unconditional love. However, the harm has been done. Not telling her will not change the fact that you have children by another woman or wish the children away from your lives, so why complicate an already bad situation by keeping quiet about it? Sincerely, your final decision would depend on how much you cherish and love this woman. If you are genuine about your feelings for her, you will tell her irrespective of what it will cost you in terms of pride and humility. This is something you really have to do on your own, because it involves you begging her from the essence of your being. Nobody will ever be able to reach those places you can, so you just have to do it especially as she, from your own admission, has given you peace and respect as her husband. Not every woman who hasn’t given her husband a child would be that supportive of his business and happiness. I am sure if she were the kind that confides in some friends, they probably would have been urging caution on her part regarding how she spends on you and home. There is no way she wouldn’t have been warned by a friend that you will one day leave her for someone else due to her inability to have a child for you. She wouldn’t believe you didn’t do it deliberately. Who would? When a man is desperate for a child, he is capable of doing anything to have one. You will only be hammering home this statement by keeping quiet about something as important as this. Besides, she will never forgive you if she finds out from another person. By then it would be too late for you to redeem your marriage or for her to ever trust you again. This isn’t something you must rehearse for too long. The danger gets higher everyday of someone getting to her first. She will be very hurt to discover that not only did you not tell her about them but also you are keeping them away from her. Allow her to make the decision of whether or not she wants to get to know the children and their mother. As soon as possible, call her and narrate the truth to her. But before you do, tell a very close friend or relative of hers. Someone who won’t be critical of you in her presence; someone whose voice she respects. Once you break the news to her, call that person to come and stay with her. This is important to avert another tragedy. She deserves nothing but the truth after 17 years of being married to you. Don’t try to paint a picture of how you wished things turned out differently or how you didn’t plan it to happen. Even if true, she will never believe you and would appear as if you are trying to patronise her. Allow her to cry and deal with her hurt. This is something she has to do on her own. Be mindful that for now it will appear to her all her 17 years investment in you and her home have come to naught. She needs time, understanding and patience to overcome the shock of your betrayal. One thing that can help heal her quickly is the way you handle the successive events. Be clear on how your involvement with your children and their mother. If you want to marry the other woman, don’t pretend, be clear about it. It is best your wife knows what is in the can for her right now. It will aid her in making her decision. However, bring the other woman and the children home to meet with her. Prevail on the other woman to come and beg her as well as give her the chance to be with the children during the holidays. Avoid doing anything that will remind her of her inability to have a child. As the man at the middle of it all, you owe it to yourself to be fair to your wife at all times. She doesn’t deserve anything less from you at this critical time when the challenge in your marriage will be traced to her by everybody. Good luck.