Dear Agatha,
I can no-longer control my sexual urge since I lost out in a relationship about two years ago. Since then I have been unable to give myself to any man not because I do not need a man in my life, but out of fear of having a man in my life.
As a result of that experience, I have become scared of giving my body, soul and spirit to any man even though I constantly hope the right man would come some day.
However, with every passing day, my hope of getting that kind of man dims as the ones who seem interested in me are the unserious ones who are only interested in getting in between the sheets with me.
Honestly, I don't want to give any man the room to hurt me again. It has not been easy staying without sex for this long, yet I don't want to have sex with a man I do not have deep feelings for and who may not be ready for a real relationship.
How then do I get the right man? I do not have friends to share my thoughts with, I really love to have some, but it has not been easy finding a good friend who shares my values and understands what true friendship is all about.
I really don't know what to do to get the right people around me. I know I have good manners, decent, clean and intelligent and respectful.
Really, I think I have the qualities every good woman has, but I just don't know why I am not getting the right people. Am already in my 30s.
In the mean time, what do you think I should do concerning this unquenchable urge for sex?
Worried lady.
Dear Worried Lady,
Unless you want to end up as a mere statistic in the record book of one of these unserious men flocking around you and consequently get yourself hurt all over again, learn to control your desires.
Considering you have been sexually active before, your urges are very natural but left unmanaged can lead to more bitterness in your life and social status. Though they can be unbearable when they come, you must learn to exercise yourself control and divert your thoughts to something else. If you remember the pains your last relationship caused you, quenching those desires would be easier for you.
Pains or memories of it don't go with desires. They are two opposing poles that keep pulling each other apart.
Your experience in the hand of your ex is to help you properly place your priority in life. To give in to meaningless sex is to further expand your scope of pains as well as deepen your sense of betrayal.
Is that what you want? To be subjected to constant pains and betrayals by men? Whatever happened between you and your ex can only be a stepping stone to greater heights if you exercise some patience and endurance.
Staying off sex won't kill you rather it would only add value to your person.
As for being 30 and unmarried, life is an open school. Our dates of entry and graduation from one level to the other aren't the same. Like structured school, the fact that you both gained admission on the same day doesn't mean you will graduate on the same day. Some of us are fast learners while some of us need extra time to be ready for the challenges of the next level. Unless, one's time comes, it is useless trying to fast forward it. Those who have tried to play God in their own destinies have had their fingers burnt badly and sometimes to ashes.
By learning to trust God and giving Him the right of way in your life, it makes the challenges of life more manageable and easier to accomplish. This is because what we count as problems or finished marks in our mortal forms are minors in His diction. Time is nothing in His hands because He has the powers to go to and fro as He pleases. If your time is not now, do whatever you want with these men, you will never achieve that happiness you quest for unlike when it is His will for you.
Working on His time eliminates struggles and worries. Things happen of their own accord and without stress. You are having all these problems in your choices because you are working and walking on your own.
Give up your struggles to Him because He sees the heart of everybody. Both male and female relationships will be easier for you if you do this.
It will also help you focus on your own faults and shortcomings. That you are having problems in your love life as well as with your choice of female friends point to fundamental flaws in your character, can you identify what the issues are?
Are you too critical, the opinionated type that leaves little or not room for others to have a say in anything? The tiresome kind of person everyone is trying to avoid?
You will get a fair idea into your person by asking those around you what they think of your person. You may have everything a man wants in a woman but if your temperament or attitude is wrong, nobody will stay around you for long to appreciate the treasure, which you are.
To help you get over this issue, learn to listen more, speak less as well as become observant of issues you never regarded as important before.
Listening more gives you the opportunity to observe without the other person knowing those things they are not saying. When a person talks too much, he or she gives an astute mind an open opportunity to see through whatever sheet of film that covers the person's mind.
When you talk less, you build yourself up to become a confidant, a support base, develop your inner strength and subsequently a good friend. This way you attract the right kind of persons to yourself, people who believe and trust you, who would also offer their support to you during your time of crisis.
You have to learn to be a good friend to others since you cannot give or recognise what you don't have.
This also begins from you learning to appreciate who you are. For you to recognise friendship, you must first learn to be your own friend without that you cannot become one yourself.
As for the right man, he would come only at the right time provided you trust God and His ways.
Good luck.
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