Dear Agatha,
I need someone to pour my heart out to and one whose wisdom I need to overcome this problem. You may not remember me, but I have been a most grateful beneficiary of your wisdom. All I can say is that God would help lighten your burden for using your hallowed wisdom to nurse our wound. Don’t expect any of us to reward you because we simply cannot.
The problem I am currently sharing with you has been a subject of controversy both in my family and church. My friends think the solution is to quit. I am really between two evils with none offering a better alternative.
It all started last year when I brought a house-help home to assist me with the housework. I did this not because I wanted to, but my job leaves me little time to care for my children and family. My husband, a contractor, and you know what that means, irregular income. For the better part of the time, my salary is what we depend on. Therefore I am very careful not to lose it.
Since I didn’t even have the time to search for a house-help, my mother-in-law offered to. I was glad and was over the moon when within a week she came with a young lady she said she got from the village.
A week after the lady came to stay with us, my sister-in-law came for a visit. I noticed that she didn’t like the idea of the young lady working for me. I pretended not to notice when she dragged her brother downstairs for a shouting match. Since she and I didn’t get on very well, I assumed she was not happy that her mother helped me to find a maid when she was also looking for one. She didn’t bother to come back upstairs instead she called on me downstairs to inform me she was leaving and that I shouldn’t bother to come down to see her off.
When I asked my husband what the problem was, he said I should ignore her that she was just being her natural self.
That was last year. I was very happy with the lady because she treated my home as if it were hers. She would wake up to clean the house, wash clothes and cook for my family. I soon discovered she was also a very good cook and forever at the service of my children. She was also very respectful. Even when I am at home, I hardly have anything to do because she does everything perfectly.
I was forever thanking my mother-in-law for finding her for me. I also didn’t nurse any suspicion because my mother-in-law was now almost resident permanently in my home. When a close neighbour of mine cautioned against my too much reliance on the girl and her lack of monitoring as well as the possibility of anything between her and my husband, I dismissed it on the premise that my husband would never do such a thing. I also pointed at the presence of my mother-in-law who has gotten nicer and nicer to me by the day.
I didn’t even notice the lady was pregnant until it became obvious to every one. I was naturally shocked and angry. But nothing compared to the piercing pains of betrayal and humiliation when she told me pointedly that my husband put her in the family way. She told me she wasn’t brought in as a house-help, but as the other wife by my mother-in-law who was carrying out the wishes of my husband and other family members. When I looked unto my husband and mother-in-law for help in understanding the nonsense the girl was saying, they confirmed and told me I was free to leave the house if I felt uncomfortable with the arrangement.
Too confused to think straight, I left the house. My parents would have none of it so they followed me home to know what the problem was and how they can amicably resolve the matter. They were driven away by all my in-laws who have assembled in my house.
Left with no choice my parents took my two children and left with me. Surprisingly only my sister-in-law came to show solidarity with me and to explain her behaviour that day. She told me that her mother never liked me for one bit that they think that I am using spiritual means to rob their son off his luck. According to her my husband was doing well in his business before I came along but all that stopped when he married me.
My in-laws, who also accused the pastor of aiding me with charms to harm their son, threw him out when he went to intervene on my behalf.
That was last year. Two weeks ago, I was surprised to see my husband and another relative of his at my office. They came to beg me to forgive them. The lady in question died while giving birth to a child. Fortunately the child survived. My mother-in-law too is down with a strange sickness and has been told only my forgiveness can cure her.
My parents have barred me from going to see her, same with my friends. Only the pastor is on my side. My mother went to the extent of placing a curse on me if I go back to my husband and his mother. Deep down I want to go, but what about the curse placed on me by my mother?
Agatha, please help me! What if I disobey her and my husband does something else to me? Who will I run to?
Gbemi.
Dear Gbemi,
You will run to that God who fought and won this battle for you. You will from this moment rededicate your marriage home, husband and family to His protective care. You will continue to plead for mercy and favour in your marriage. Nobody won this battle for you. God did it and is still very much on the throne of mercy, and with Him you will always escape the trap of the enemies, because He is the only one who never fails.
Because He lives, you can face that tomorrow with confidence and peace. Don’t be afraid. Indeed challenges would come because God never promised us life without them, but in Him are the solutions to those problems.
Can your mother, in all honesty, claim not to have confronted by problems in her marriage? Has she because of the problems quit her home? Is she not in her matrimonial home?
Agreed, your husband and in-laws betrayed you in the worst way possible, but that is not enough reason for your mother to prevent you from going back to your husband and making peace with your mother-in-law. Was Jesus Christ not betrayed by his disciples? Who sold him out to His accusers? If He found it easy to forgive humanity, sacrificing Himself for the same people that nailed Him to the cross, who are we not to forgive?
I am sure your mother is not without mistakes, some she committed knowingly and others she did unknowingly. If God forgives her sin, why is she so adamant in forgiving others whom she perceived have offended her?
Go to her and explain your desire to go back to your home. Tell her, much as you appreciate the help given you in your moment of tribulations, you want to go back to your home because that is where you really belong to, not with her and your father anymore. She is your mother go on your knees to really thank her for being there with you before pleading with her to remove the curse she placed on you if you go back to your husband. Tell her as a young woman, you need the comfort and intimacy of your husband, something she or your father can never give you.
Let her know you understand her fears and that in her position too, you will do same but that from experience she knows that nobody is perfect, and that a time would come when you would be forced again to seek the company of a man. Ask her what she would do if the man turns out to be worse than your current husband?
Because she loves you and desires the best for you she would listen to you. If need be, enlist the support of your father to make her see reasons. She is understandably hurt by the attitude of your husband and his people, but not enough reason to make her want to keep you with her.
It is also important that you look at the reason your husband and his people treated you like the way they did. Even though some in-laws are naturally impossible, from your narrations, it would seem you never gave your family the attention needed. Money cannot compensate for a wife and mother’s love in your home. You have to divide your time wisely between your official responsibilities and your obligations to your home. Your husband may not be the loud type, but one that secretly plots his revenge, like you experienced. Don’t sacrifice the peace of your home for anything.
If she refuses to, go with your pastor to make peace with your man and his people because that is where you belong. God always have a reason for our travails. He never leaves defenceless and without reason to celebrate Him at the end of it all.
Good luck.
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