My sister-in-law is an irritant

gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please help me resolve the crisis I am having in my marriage as a result of the behavior of my sister-in-law who is making my home a living hell. Unmarried and far older than my husband, she has taken over the running of my home. She came on a visit and has refused to go. It has been four months since she has been staying with us. I have never before met anyone so troublesome and authoritative as this woman. She is so selfish; that she is deaf and blind to the needs or emotions of everyone around her. She tells my maids what to cook, how to arrange my home and dress my children. She practically determines the right time for my husband to retire to bed or the car I use. If I make the attempt to take a particular car, she would come to announce her desire to take the car out that day. To avoid problems, I will give in to her. As a result, she has turned my home into a living hell so much so she determines what my husband and I wear to parties. The thing is, I don’t know how to tell her to leave my home since my husband is incapable of facing up to her. He is the last born and she is the first born. She is 22 years older than my husband. All the other wives in the family fear her and pray against her coming to their homes. The marriage of her third brother almost broke up as a result of her nature. It took the combined efforts of their late mother’s sister and her immediate younger brother to mend that home. Unfortunately, this woman passed on about six months ago. Please help me before she collapses my marriage because I can no longer tolerate her. All my domestic staff take orders from her, rather than me. This is because she counters my every order. I am scared because I have only through the grace of God, managed my temper to this moment. If she stays longer than she has done, I might end up insulting her one of these days. These days, I stay back in the office even when I don’t have anything to do just to avoid her stress. My husband has consistently pleaded with me not to be angry that I should consider her attitude as one of the sacrifices a woman makes for the sake of her husband. I love my husband so much. He is the best man I have seen in my life, the exact opposite of his tyrant sister. When she begins, he simply walks away which, often infuriates her the more. My husband is a perfect gentle man; never gets into argument with anybody. Even when I try to make trouble with him, he simply walks away rather than get into any confrontation with me. We have been married for over a decade. This is the first time she is staying for this long and the first time I have ever had cause to quarrel or have a disagreement with my husband or any member of his family for that matter. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Dealing with this kind of sister-in-law requires wisdom else, you will end up hurting the success of your home. Given the number of years between her and your husband, it will be difficult for him to stand up to her because she is like his mother. Besides, the kind of man you described will never get into any confrontation with his elder sister. I guess he has too much respect for her as a woman and elder sister especially one who must have looked after him from the first moments of his life. Like your husband said, you must be ready to make the necessary sacrifice for the sake of your home. I know the temptation of putting her in her place, reminding her that you are in your husband’s house and as such the mistress of the home is strong but, you must also consider that your husband will be affected if you allow the situation to degenerate beyond this situation. Since your husband is too junior to talk to her, there must be somebody in the family who can make her understand the harm she is doing to her brother’s home. Tell the brother or sister next to her what she is making you go through in your home. Drop the hints that you are contemplating moving out of the house with your children since she has rendered your presence and wishes meaningless. The insinuation that you might be forced to pack out of your matrimonial home with your children if nothing is done by the family to bring her to control, will definitely prompt your husband and his people to find ways of evicting her from your home. While you transfer the burden of making her leave your home to the family, give them a time limit after which you will no longer listen to their pleas or tolerate her presence anymore. Even though deep down you have no intentions of vacating your matrimonial home for her, give your in-laws and husband the impression when presenting your position that you are serious about your decision. It will hasten your husband’s determination to confront her. And whenever you are at home and within audible range of where your sister-in-law is, chat with an imaginary friend about the situation in your home and your desire to quit your home on account of lack of peace and respect in your home. Make it clear to your imaginary friend, that your sister-in-law, and not your husband, is your problem and that you don’t know how to confront the issue because she is old enough to be your mother. End your one-sided conversation with the declaration of your love for her but that she is making it impossible for you to love her anymore since she is causing you so much pains in your once-happy home. There is also the need for you and your husband to talk as friends. This is important so he doesn’t begin to develop the impression that you are really serious about leaving him. If you don’t properly explain your reasons as well as what you hope to achieve by your insistence that unless his family do something about his elder sister, he might begin to doubt your motives. Tell him about the ploy of conversing with an imaginary friend to pass on the message of your unhappiness to his sister. Furthermore, since you know what annoys her, learn to ignore her. In the morning, instead of instructing your domestic staff on what to do, go into your kitchen to prepare a meal for your family. If she comes into the kitchen, greet her with respect after which you ignore her. When you finish with your task, go into your bedroom with your husband’s meal. Ensure the children are fed too with the meal you prepare for them. If on a working day, it means you have to wake up earlier to personally supervise the affairs of your children and husband. At weekends, make arrangements for you, your husband and children to go out. And when at home, exclude her from whatever plans you are making. By the time she has nobody to talk to or harass, she will soon get bored and ask to be taken to her house. She wants attention and knows that by making the place uncomfortable for everybody, people will attend to her just to get rid of her from their hair. She has consistently gotten away with this attitude that she has since stopped her knowing when she is making a huge nuisance of herself. That is why she doesn’t like it if people walk away from her presence. She has grown used to being feared, listened to and having what she wants as a result of her constant harassment of people. This is how she gets her joy; once you are able to demystify her, you will be surprised at the kind of results you will get. She won’t stay a moment longer since there is nobody to be intimidated. She has stayed this long because you made your home too comfortable for her. You gave her too much room to operate. By ignoring her every wish and silently insisting on what you want in your home, she will know without saying anything that you are just as determined be in charge of your home and family. If she has any particular preference for a food, let the maid prepare it for her but feed your family with what you want. Wear your children clothes of your choice and use the car you want. Accord her every respect she deserves but let her know through your actions whose home it is. Also, pray to God for help. Often than not, we run circles around ourselves when it is a simple matter of turning over our challenges to God for the perfect solution. Every tyrant has a match in God. Despite attempts at making her leave your house, continue to be gentle, respectful and loving towards your husband. Good luck.

She is cheating on me

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, The problem I am about to share with you started last year when I went for National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) in Northern part of Nigeria. While there I met a lady I fell in love with. We actually agreed to get married. Sometime last year, she left for Lagos where she actually lives. Almost immediately, I began to hear uncomplimentary stories about her. There were rumours that she keeps the company of a particular man and that they are always seen close to the house. Initially, I doubted the stories thinking they are malicious and intended to break us. But my initial confidence in her began to wane when she began to make some inexplicable visits to places I don’t know. For instance, in December last year, she travelled on the 23rd and didn’t return until January this year. When I asked where she went, she told me she went to visit her mother’s brother in Yola. Another time, she left for a nearby village. She came back with a very glamorous hairstyle decorated with very expensive beads. When I asked how she got the money for such expensive hairstyle, she said she did some jobs while there. In the same January, I saw her with the same man I have been told she is having affair with through the window of my room discussing. She came back when she noticed I have come back home. Since I wasn’t sure of what it was they were discussing or the nature of his visit, I pretended as if I didn’t see anything and went out of the house again. I went to stay in a place that gave me a good view of the house. Almost immediately I left she went back to the house behind my window where I earlier viewed both of them discussing. I waited for five hours before she came out of the house. Five minutes after the man left the place also. When I asked where she has been throughout the time she was out, she told me she went somewhere with her brother. At that point, I had no option but to confront her with what I saw. Almost instantly, her story changed that she actually went into the house I saw her go into but that nothing happened between her and the man. She said she only went in there to discuss with the man and denied having anything sexual to do with the man. Agatha, she has kept denying having an affair with this man and each time she says it, there are tears in her eyes. Do you think she is innocent? Can I still trust her? I don’t want to make mistake, please advise me. Max. Dear Max, You are the one close to her, what do you think? Do you think she actually spent five hours with a man in a closed room just discussing without sleeping with him? What was so important about the nature of their discussion that couldn’t have been discussed in your house with you in attendance or in the open where other people can witness what they are doing? For them to have discussed for five hours underscored the seriousness of the issue at stake, shouldn’t she have first consulted, gotten your consent on the issue before going to see him in a closed room? Who is this man to her? Why did she lie at first that she went out with her brother? What efforts has she made to introduce you to the man? Why is the man constantly around her? Why do people think they are actually having an affair? These are questions begging for answers from her. This is not a matter of you not wanting to make a mistake, but rather of you facing the reality of the messy situation you found yourself. Trust isn’t an abstract thing. It grows from circumstances we daily go through. If this woman claims to be innocent of what the rumours going on about her and this man; as well as what you witnessed, then she has to do a lot more than tears in her eyes to clear up the maze of confusion, suspicions and embarrassments her conduct with this man have created in your life. Deep down, what do you think? If you want to be very honest with yourself, do you think she is telling you the truth or simply playing you for a fool? Yes, a man and woman can have healthy platonic relationship but not one that leaves so many gaps like hers with this man. Why would a woman you are in a relationship with leave the house without telling you where she is going? Go on vacations without you knowing where precisely or come back to announce she went to work? When she was leaving for the visit, did she tell you it would include her working? What sort of job did she do while there and why did she do it? The point is that you are not in charge of the woman you are in a relationship with. You are either afraid to face the truth about the kind of situation you are in or don’t even know what you have gotten yourself into. Even if she isn’t having an affair with this man she has created the suspicions she must work first at clearing before you can even talk of not wanting to make a mistake. It is either you are man enough to ask her pressing questions, what precisely is her occupation as well as her feelings for you. A woman that shows no scruple leaving her home for five hours to ‘discuss’ with another man in a private room shows a total lack of respect for your person. If you were the one dancing around a woman, goes off without her knowing where your destination is, how would she feel? While you have every right to love her and try to make the relationship work, be mindful of the kind of future you have in mind with her. You may think it is a situation you can cope with but it is always a different game when it comes to marriage. Frankly, sit her down for a thorough discussion. Ask her how she feels about the reputation she is acquiring for herself through her kind of lifestyle. Chances are that there are so many things she isn’t telling you about her feelings for you and that what you think you both have going on only exists in the figment of your imagination. Also what do you know about this woman? Are you sure you know enough about her to make you a good wife? Marriage isn’t a simple thing. It is too complex and complicated for you to treat with such levity. Don’t short-change yourself if you have the power to bargain for something more positive for yourself now. Sometimes it takes more than love to make a marriage work. Love needs good character, respect and responsibility to make it work well. You don’t hold on too tightly to something out of fear it will go. If this woman isn’t yours, no matter how much you try to look the other way, she will definitely go. So stop worrying over a situation you cannot control that is firmly in the hands of God the creator who sees the end from the beginning. Good luck.