My Foreigner Wife Is Dating Her Father’s Friend

Dear Agatha,
I always find your response to people’s questions very educative. I will need your help and advice on some issues in my relationship.
I got married four years ago to a foreigner. A year after we got married, I got to know by accident that she was having an affair with her father’s friend. I found out when she travelled to her country for holidays and I had to go through her emails. 

I found the mails both of them exchanged, the expression of lovers sentiments and emotions by the two of them. 

In one of the mails sent him by my wife, she told this man how much she missed him. I printed out the mails and showed my wife on her return. She admitted to the relationship and begged me to shield her.  I obliged her and kept quiet about it. 

However, six months later she started behaving funny, she left home for four days because of a little problem we had and left my son and I at home. She came back only after I called her parents who I think ordered her to come back.
After we settled the problem, she told me she would need to go and visit her parents to enable her unwind from the tension generated by the misunderstanding between the two of us. She promised to stay for only a month. She left in January and till now is yet to return. Every month she asks for permission to spend an extra month. The last time I spoke with her demanding to know why she has abandoned her matrimonial home for this length of time, as well as for her immediate return, she told me she was doing a course and will only return when she finishes. She ended up hanging up the phone on me.
I am sick and tired but I am just taking it easy for now to avoid making a costly mistake which is why I want your help. 

Agatha, what do I do next?  

Luiz.

Dear Luiz, 

What is preventing you from travelling to wherever she is to find out why she is refusing to come back to you? Surely, something of interest must be keeping her back. It is also important you know what the position of her parents in all this is.  After all, when she left home the excuse she gave was that she was going to spend a month with her parents. And if the one month has extended to six months, you reserve the right to know why they have decided to keep her with them and even allowed your wife go for a course without your express permission. 

This matter has gone beyond you and this woman to her family. If her family isn’t giving her the support to stay away from her home, there is no way she would have stayed away from her marital responsibilities for such a length of time. 

It is clear from what is happening that there are issues within your marriage that you as the head of the home are not giving all the seriousness they deserve. 

Irrespective of where she is from, the marriage rules are clearly defined the world over. A woman once married stays with her husband and not her parents.

When a woman persistently craves for the company of others more than her husband, it means there is something missing in her marriage.

This is something a telephone conversation will not be able to resolve. You must see her to know why she has abandoned her home, went for a course without first discussing it with you and her feelings towards being married to you. 

Plead with her to be faithful to you. Insist she tells you the truth; that if tired of the marriage, she should be bold enough to let you know instead of fishing for excuses to end the marriage. 

The obvious lack of longing on her part for you is a dangerous sign of lack of interest in the marriage. Given her closeness to her father’s friend, you must find out if the relationship has been reactivated for her to stay away for this long. 

Sincerely, you have my sympathy but you must, after discussing with her, take a firm step to avoid too much emotional injury to yourself. The danger of you allowing her and her family control the marriage would be the lack of respect for you and erosion of your self-esteem as a man. 

Your visit would also provide you with the opportunity of meeting with her parents and dispelling whatever negative impression they have of you. Man to man, confront your father-in-law and demand to know why he is giving support to his daughter to ruin her marriage. The problem here isn’t as much as the lady’s but her parents who appear to be backing her way of life. Had either the father or mother, insisted she went back to her husband, explaining the slippery terrain marriage is, perhaps, her conduct would have been moderated along the line of honour and responsibility to you and her child. 

If the result of your meeting with them isn’t satisfactory, involve your family as long as there was proper marriage rite. Your people have a right to ask for the whereabouts of the woman they came to seek her hand in marriage. Whatever the knotty issue is, it helps to bring it to the open with a view of finding the right kind of solution to it. 

Where you have made mistakes, be man enough to admit it. There is no marriage without issues but a lot depends on the willingness of the two parties to move forward. If you are prepared to overlook her moral behaviour; forgive her, let it come from you and not because someone or people pressured you into doing it. And if she is unwilling to come back to you, don’t force her into it. Allow her the freedom she craves because from what you narrated, you lack the kind of authority to keep this woman in check. 

One salient point to note is the thorough understanding of your cultural differences. If you are still interested in her, in your own interest, make out time to know what the culture of her people is and her family in particular. Unless you both know what to avoid as well as what is forbidden, you will keep having issues in your marriage. Chances are what we consider to be taboos here may just be a way of life in her country, hence the need for clarity when going across the boarder to get a spouse. I am sure if both of you had made the effort to discuss each other’s expectations, whatever it is that is bringing about this tension would have been ironed out before now.

Sincerely, at this stage, you must be prepared for the worst scenario. It is either she comes back or not. When a woman leaves her home for six months without giving a definite time of her return, a lot of thoughts must have been invested by her to get to this point; therefore dangerous for your emotional health as a man to put in too much hope on her coming back to you.

This is the right time for you to get close to God since He is the only one who has the powers to help you overcome.

Good luck.

What Makes Moral Bankrupts Better Wives?

Dear Agatha, 

I am one of your very strong fans. I have gained so much from reading your solutions to other peoples’ problems. However one thing keeps puzzling my mind and it has to do with the way things turn out to be. 

From an early age, I have vowed to do the right things; refused to take the risks my friends took dating different men. I didn’t get round to dating any man until I clocked 30. With some of my friends successfully married, and pressure mounting on me, I decided to give a man a chance in my life. I even allowed him access into my body. Like me, he is a staunch born again Christian. 

On discovery I was a virgin at that age, made him vow to marry me. But only for him, six months down the road, to come up with the excuse that I am unexciting in the bed. He said all attempts to teach me to flow with him failed due to my stiff nature.

Agatha, you won’t believe that he left me to marry one of the notorious ladies I know. He called to tell me that he is sorry but that he did what he had to because this other lady knows how to bring the best in him.

A look around me shows he isn’t the only one. Many of the girls we labelled morally bankrupt then are all happily married while those of us considered to be prime and proper have either unstable homes, broken marriages or are not even married at all.

This year, I would be 33 and still searching for a man to give me the kind of happiness I see in the homes of the friends I thought would never make good wives.

The questions I want to ask you Agatha, are these: how come the bad girls seem to be getting all the good men and what do men want from women? Your response would make an interesting reading to many women in my shoes who are daily becoming more disillusioned about the turns of things in their lives. 

I want to know where I went wrong and why I am being punished for doing what is right. 

Gbemi.

Dear Gbemi, 

To be frank, this is one question I would have done anything to avoid due to the many twists that follows an honest answer, but it comes with the job. 

Frankly, I have had to handle this knotty question in seminars and usually end up like this: life is a deep mystery one that only God can aptly define. 

You didn’t go wrong in trying to do what the discipline of Bible teaches. The Bible teaches morality wherever we are; do things to the glory and honour of God. For abiding to the teachings of the Bible, you have no blame.

But there is nowhere in the Bible that forbids seeking knowledge of what one doesn’t know. However, there is a huge difference between seeking knowledge the right way and the wrong way.

Right from the wee hours of our lives, nature and society begins the process of our eventual initiation into the institution of marriage. Ironically, this same society is the very one that puts so many obstacles on the road to learning how to do what must be done to achieve success in the task it has on its own set for us to follow. How come when we talk about the natural ingredient of marriage is always hushed under the carpet? Classified as forbidden? Has all the hushing done anything to stop people from doing it? 

Religious institutions simply follow the agenda the society has set for us but this time with a tougher discipline; a time-table that is so rigid and devoid of reality. 

It is this balance that gets people into trouble. When liberty is thrown into the winds, the result is a notorious reputation, which in the long run does no good to one’s image. The other end is for one to be anti-social, critical and cynical of every move perceived to be an aberration of their understanding of the Bible. 

The extremism we bring to bear on what is real and what we believe often not set the pattern of either our woes or joys in life. You are who you are by what you believe as well as your ability to marry these beliefs with what is realistic. Reality demands we would one day get married and have children. And if this is to happen, we should be real enough to know when to step out of our beliefs and mingle with members of the opposite sex as friends.

The reality of marriage demands we know how to study the person, temperament, attitude and character of the person we intend spending the rest our lives with. Marriage doesn’t happen between two strangers on the first day they meet. Rather it happens between two people who have come to the conclusions that they can together overcome life’s challenges as well as ambiguities.

For this simple reason, a buffer zone must be created for interactions of both men and women. There is nowhere the Bible condemns a gathering of both men and women for the purpose of exchanging positive knowledge about their differences. A market place of reality must be set up for everybody to come and shop for ideas, information, knowledge as well as experience on how to handle members of the opposite sex.

Thinking such a place breeds promiscuity, gives licence to people to abandon moral values is encapsulating life into a very narrow jacket of kindergarten thinking, something completely out of place in the real world.

In the pursuit of moral and religious sanctification, many people end up not only alienating themselves from others who maybe hold the same religious views, but also insulate themselves from the experience of others. This is why some of the so-called good girls end up with so many disappointments than those they regard as the bad girls.

Appearances can be very deceptive. The so-called bad girls may at the end of the day be as moral prim as the so-called good girls but have simply mastered the game of having an open mind to issues. Maturity is knowing that no man is an island, and that the world is a vibrant market place of ideas, opportunities and experiences. Hearing others talk about their real life pains, disappointments, mistakes and foolishness go a long way in helping others know how to avoid such things. One doesn’t have to sleep with a woman or man to have the knowledge of what to avoid and what not to avoid. This is where some girls are smarter than some others. Knowledge can’t be gotten from isolation. It comes from exposure to many shades of the canvas of life. A teardrop here and there could at the end of the day form a mighty ocean.

It also gives these smart girls the knowledge of what to do to keep their men happy, where to go for help and the technicalities of the dynamism between the man and woman as well as their different ways of thinking and reactions to issues. 

If a young woman desirous of one day spending the rest of her life with a man begins by treating them with hostility, being suspicious of their every move, run from their company; where would she get the men from when she is ready to marry? Would the men come from Mars? This is why such women, once the word is passed around find it difficult for them to get any man, because those who would have come are afraid of disgraceful rejection. 

Moderation is what life is all about. That one listens to discussions on sex, relationships doesn’t make one promiscuous. Moral bankruptcy comes from what you decide to do with the subject of sex. Knowing from the experience of friends and colleagues that sex is vital to the bond between a woman and man is not harmful or doesn’t it affect one’s relationship with God.

Even though your former boyfriend didn’t act well, the fact remains that for some men, sex is too important for them to gloss over. Granted, he didn’t have the patience enough to teach you the real act but as a woman you should know that life is one huge classroom. Most of the time, we depend on each other’s experiences to move forward. At 33, there is the need for you to step out of the cupboard and develop an attitude of wanting to learn, not by sleeping around but by being comfortable enough to listen and contribute to discussions of sex. 

Without talking about it, you won’t know what to do with it when the time comes for you to explore it. Besides, talking will also give you an idea of how to treat your man like a king; the kind of care that forms the total package and not just the sexual aspect of it. 

God isn’t punishing you for anything. It is just that you have refused to apply His given wisdom to certain aspect in your life. Knowledge and wisdom are strong weapons, so use them effectively. 

Good luck. 

My Weak Self-confidence Can’t Woo Any Girl

Dear Agatha, 

I’m an ardent reader of your column and I really like the way you help people. I’m a young guy of 19 years of age. I suffer from lack of self-confidence when it entails wooing a girl. I can talk to girls especially girls I don’t have much interest in. But when it comes to talking to a girl I really like, I wouldn’t know how to approach her. It’s really becoming a big problem for me. Please help me.

Helpless Boy.

Dear Helpless Boy, 

Lack of confidence comes from lack of trust in your own essence as a human being as well as the need to over-impress the object of your interest. When a man tries to make an impression on a woman, to attract her attention, he automatically wants to do or say unusual things to arrest her attention. 

This is why you feel confident talking to women who are merely your friends and are tongue-tied when you meet the ones you are interested in. 

Trying to make lasting impression can cause a man to lose focus of his intentions entirely. Sincerely, there is nothing special in talking to a woman other than self-confidence at your own ability as a man to get your message across. 

As a matter of fact, women become more difficult and mischievous when they perceive the man trying hard to woo her. Relationship should be reality driven and not based on some ideologies that would at the end of the day distort the true image of the two people involved. 

The man must from the beginning make the woman understand what he wants from her in a clear and simple way. The woman too must be real enough to appreciate the nature and sincerity of the man who has come to ask for her hand in a relationship. 

 You are able to talk to your female friends because you don’t have to impress them with your spoken English, wealth, connections or the other things that give excitement to some women. 

Deploy the same attitude when you meet a woman you are interested in. Begin first as friends. Don’t spoil the relationship by saying things like I love you and want you in my life. Often than not, women feel insulted by this line because it presents a woman as being gullible.

A woman is most likely to respect a man who comes first as a friend; to know who she is, give her the same opportunity of knowing him before the issue of falling in love or not. At first meeting, extend a hand of friendship to her; get to know the content of the package before presenting your original intentions.

It is always easier to talk to a friend than a stranger. The power of friendship helps to soften the ground of rejection as well as apprehension.

Good luck.  

He Longs For Fiery Romance…

Dear Agatha, 

I have a challenge with my boyfriend who seems to favour passionate romance. Not that he isn’t good in the act of lovemaking but is more into romance; I am not. What do I do?

Concerned Girlfriend. 

Dear Concerned Girlfriend,

Sincerely, many women would consider you a very lucky woman, because it is something of a rarity to find in one package a man who has passion for romance as well as the act of sex. 

Other women would welcome this because his passion would help bring them to constant satisfaction, the essence of lovemaking. What you should do is to properly guide him on how he can bring about your very best. Unlike most women who have to labour to get their men interested in the act of romance, yours come ready made. Granted that sometimes touching some areas of your body can be a turn off, but the truth remains that once you get involved, allow your mind to flow with the rhythm of his beat, you will have a more satisfying trip with him. 

To prevent him overdoing the romance thing, you must constantly tell him when you are not comfortable with his act, but to dismiss everything he is doing is to also prevent his fun.

Relationship is a symbiotic thing. Two must agree to be one. To achieve this, the two must learn to be selfless and supportive of the other, else the relationship becomes a one-sided affair, one that can destroy something meant to be beautiful. 

Be wise not to condemn his way else you end up creating problems for yourself.

Good luck.