Dear Agatha,
I have been married for close to three years and blessed with a child, over a year old. We are financially very comfortable, so if there is any problem we have it has nothing doing with money. I married my wife after courtship of about two years. My family had no objection to the marriage rather they welcomed her as a member of the family.
The first year after our wedding, we lived without a maid or any of our relationships. A year after, her younger sister and brother came over to spend some time with us. I gave them complete freedom. I treated them as my younger siblings.
Last month, my younger brother came over to our house after his National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) almost at the same time my cousin who was posted to Lagos for his NYSC programme joined us too.
For putting on the generator before she came back from the office, my wife told my cousin who is her age mate off. She was apparently very rude in her remarks because my cousin reported the incidence to me in her presence when I came back from the office.
To avoid taking sides, I told my cousin to emulate my example by learning to tolerate things like a man. At that point she snapped, shouting at my cousin’s effrontery for reporting her.
When her attitude was becoming unbearable, I had to remind her of the amount of respect my cousin had shown her since coming to live with us. I reminded her that apart from helping with the house-chores, he also washed her car. I told her that as an adult male, he deserved to be respected by her.
This only served to infuriate her the more as she completely went berserk. Thinking I was going to hit her at the point I got up, she started fighting me using anything she could lay her hands on and in the process injuring my brother on the head with a weapon she aimed for me.
The injury on my brother didn’t sober her as she came back for me. I refused to lift my hands against her. She also threatened to kill me. We are both graduates; while she is in her late 20s, I’m in my early 30s.
I intend to proceed on a divorce because I cannot tolerate violence from a woman. It is unthinkable. Also unacceptable to me is her hostile attitude towards my family while she shows love to hers. Please, kindly advice me on the right line of action to take.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
There is no marriage without challenges and yours isn’t an exception. It is one of the toughest journeys on earth. It requires the patience of the dove, the Wisdom of Solomon, the strength of the elephant and the determination of the ant to pull it through. Like the washing of the bitter-leaf, it takes a lot of hard work to rid it of initial bitter taste before getting to the sweet part.
This journey requires unconditional investments, selflessness, tolerance, understanding, friendship and prayers. No matter one’s years of experience, the marriage institution is too deep for anybody to fully understand. This is so because it is premised on the flaws of the human system. Every entrant into the institution is coming with an overload of imperfect thinking, logic, attitude as well as ideas that never worked from those it was copied from.
If you divorce this woman on account of such a minor issue what will you do if you marry another woman whose attitude is worst than what you are currently complaining of? Kill her?
Honestly compared to what many other couples or men are contending with, yours is a child’s play. So begin by being grateful to God for little mercies.
This is by no means dismissing the issues you raised but an attempt to make you think of other viable options. Divorce should never be the first option, but should always be the last. Besides, every marriage must have certain ground rules for it to work perfectly well.
Before getting married, did you both discuss the format of your marriage? Granted, we are in an African society where relatives walk in and out of each other’s homes unrestricted.
But the fact is we were not all brought up to tolerate that type of lifestyle. While you may have been brought up to tolerate such a lifestyle, her mother may not have encouraged such liberties from her own in-laws.
Most of us grow up to exhibit the type of attitudes and lifestyles we were exposed to as young children. Until now, she didn’t have the opportunity of gauging whether the attitudes or characteristics she picked up from her own upbringing were the right ones or not.
You say she is in her late 20s. It would take a long time for her to do way with habits she has lived with for more than two and a half decades before doing things your way.
Adjustments in marriages don’t happen suddenly. They take time, some take a lifetime to bury. Honestly, you didn’t treat the issue very well. Despite what she has done, which on all accounts, is very wrong, she is still your wife and anybody staying with you must learn to accord her the respect they give you.
Don’t encourage your family members to interfere in your marriage. Such an attitude has only one conclusive end, anarchy in your home. Don’t forget that every other person, including the children is a transit passenger in your home. You started as a twosome and would end up as a twosome. Your children would one day leave your nest to begin their own the same thing applies to every passenger that comes on board your marital train.
It isn’t worth fighting your wife over them. Don’t forget this is your better half. Even though all these other people are part of you, they cannot play the roles she plays in your life. What you can do with her, you cannot do with your siblings or children. There is a part of you that only belongs to her.
What you should have done is not to reprimand your wife or react to the issue in the presence of your cousin. You should have excused your wife and yourself from his presence to tongue-lash her in the privacy of your room. Thereafter, call your cousin to apologise and plead with him to tolerate the situation. Telling your cousin to learn to tolerate the situation like a man right in the presence of your wife was very wrong.
To her, it was taking sides with your people against her as well as eroding her authority in her home. This may not have been intended by you but it is what your attitude conveyed hence her hurtful outburst.
Frankly, your cousin or anybody for that matter has no right to report your wife to you in such a blatant manner. Not that he lacks the right to complain when rudely spoken to or treated disrespectfully by your wife, but it should be done with certain decorum.
She isn’t a child, but next in command to you. The fact that she is your wife doesn’t make her less of a person to be respected. If his sister speaks to him in like manner in her matrimonial home, would he report her to her husband the same way he reported your wife to you? He is old enough to know that you would neither take such matters lightly nor would your wife accept the blame in his presence. This is the worry, what did your cousin hoped to achieve by reporting her to you?
A more matured approach would have been to ignore her as much as possible in the interest of peace and harmony in the marriage.
How would he feel if on account of this incident you actually end the marriage?
Had you managed the situation well, it wouldn’t have degenerated into the fracas that erupted in the home.
What this has taught you is to sit her down and begin all over. Find out why she seems too hostile to your people while friendly with hers? Make her understand that like her you can be mean to hers but decided to be nice despite their faults due to the love and respect you have for her.
Register your displeasure at her attitude and your embarrassment at being ridiculed in the presence of your family members. Point her to the damage of her action as well as the drop in respect her conduct has caused both of you in the minds of your siblings. It is also imperative she knows the extent of your pains and how far you were willing to go by mentioning your desire to end the marriage on account of her wild behaviour.
Warn her you would not stand such uncultured behaviour in future.
Follow it up with discussion of how to avoid this type of ugly incident. Both of you must be willing to find a common ground to operate not only in the interest of your innocent child who would suffer most should you go ahead with your plans to terminate the marriage but your own interests too.
Obviously she lacks humility but you cannot force her to eat the humble pie in a day. A lot of how much she changes would come from the way you handle situation.
Your staying power would be to go back to your first day and how wonderful you felt at meeting each other. Experiences like this only serve to give a marriage its unique character of strength and support to others later in life.
You don’t throw in the towel at the first sight of trouble rather you stay to ensure it works, after all life is about defeating challenges.
With plenty of prayers as well as the right attitude, you will both achieve the dreams of happiness and endless companionship that brought you two together.
Good luck.
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