Dear Agatha,
Thank you for being there for people like me. My marriage has benefited tremendously from your advice, which is why I am writing to you to help me with the challenge I am having with my husband’s nieces, who are hell bent on causing problems for me.
I have been married for close to nine years now and I am blessed with a son.
The child came after five years of marriage. It was a difficult and traumatic period for me. At a point, my in-laws actually took another wife for my husband. It was the grace of God more than anything that made him reject the woman even though he was already having an affair with another woman as a result of my inability to give him a child.
Even when the child came, it was made to go through a paternity test by my in-laws, who suspected that the baby could have come from another man other than their son. From their attitude it was obvious that their grouse with me was more than my not giving them a baby on time but also that they detest my person.
The recent challenges have to do with my inability to increase the number of my children and the recent trend of my husband’s niece, who are teenagers arranging for girlfriends for my husband right under my roof.
I have had my suspicions but there has been nothing concrete until now. Knowing the type of family I married into, I didn’t want to make a fool of myself hence I had to bid my time. Recently, I came home to meet one of the girls they had introduced to me in my bed with my husband.
The shock of it was that my in-laws were at home, in the living room and knew their friend was in my bedroom with my husband. When I came, they didn’t bother to stop me but allowed me to walk into the scene.
When I picked a fight with their friend and my husband, the two of them threatened to beat me up if I dared. They told me to my face that I wasn’t wanted in the family and that I should pack my things and leave. They also called me a witch who was eating up the babies in her womb.
These are the same girls whose tuition I am helping to pay at the university.
To my shame my husband didn’t do anything to stop his nieces from insulting me or sending the other lady away rather the girl stayed put in the room while the whole scene played out.
From the reactions of my mother-in-law and her daughters, it is obvious that these girls are playing out a script written for them by their grandmother and mothers.
My mother and family insist I ignore what is happening and stay with my husband that, eventually things will work out. I love my husband and will always do but this embarrassment is too much for me to endure. It is killing me. Although my husband has come back to beg me for forgiveness, going to the extent of enlisting members of my family as well as his friends, I feel like quitting. I am afraid of his family and really don’t know what to negotiate for now that he is begging me for forgiveness. I am so confused. Please help me.
Martha.
Dear Martha,
If he is begging you, don’t pack out even though what you witnessed is enough ground both spiritually and legally to quit the marriage. One thing is for someone to wrong a person another is for that person to show remorse.
To have gone to the extent of enlisting the help of your family and his friends shows a real attempt at redressing the situation. The first thing to do is to get rid of that fear of yours and lean heavily on God. Your in-laws lack the power to control your life or determine your future. That you were able to give birth to that child shows that God is on your side in this battle so brace up and give it all it takes to be happy. Life can be cruel and unfair. Your happiness is right in your hands. If you leave, you are only giving them undeserved victory, the chance for the other woman to come into a home you have laboured to build for nine years. He is not only your husband but the father of your son.
So protect your home with all you have. First, tell him to send those nieces of his packing from the house. For them to have gone to the extent they went means they are capable of doing anything to harm you and your son and having declared themselves your enemies, there is no sense in housing them to destroy your home.
Insist they don’t have to stay in your home to be assisted by you or your husband. That this can still be done, irrespective of wherever they stay.
The time for pretenses is over or trying to buy into the favours of your in-laws. While you must never be rude to them, keep your distance from them as well as make it clear that you are no longer in fear of them. One of the conditions too you should give is for these girls to apologise to you for what they did to you.
Also feel free to discuss all other matters with him now that you have the opportunity.
Let your husband know that this is your call and that he has to support you to make the home happy too for him. As for his extramarital affairs, he should keep them away from your knowledge and home.
However, be careful not to hold a grudge against any of them to enable God to continue to fight your battle. Once you have accepted the apologies of your husband, allow the matter die a natural death because to bring it up later after this time would be so unfair and could limit God’s support for you.
Also, don’t assume that you are without blame. There is always room for improvement in every relationship. Look at the areas too you need to improve on and do everything to make your man happy. Also give him the opportunity to say one or two things too about what he doesn’t like about you.
God may have allowed this situation to help make your marriage stronger. Allow the presence of God as well as His peace to lead you into a solution that would wipe away all your tears. Go on your knees and really pray your marriage into the kind of success you want it to be. There is nothing God cannot do.
As for your husband’s nieces, that they are also women and would one day find themselves in other people’s homes is enough comfort for you to go by.
Without issues like this, your marriage will not have a character as well as the type of testimony that will encourage others to have the faith and encouragement to go on in their own turbulent marriages. God in His wisdom allows us go through some excruciating conditions to exult His name in our lives as well as those who come in contact with us.
Good luck.
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