Lonely Heart I need an Igbo man in my life

Dear Agatha, I am 33, single with one beautiful child that means the world to me. I’m looking for a genuine and sincere man between 33- 45 (with all due respect boys with swags are not applicable) who can accept me the way I am. I’m not rich yet I can support my partner any day if God blesses me with a wonderful one. He should be from the same geographical region- South East. If you are not Igbo, don’t bother. I have to be honest. It isn’t as if the other tribes are not good but this is what I want. Physical appearance isn’t important to me but he should at least look presentable. He must be drug and alcohol free A devoted Christian; Anglican will be a plus. He should be family oriented. Should be willing to love me and my child. Must be independent, mustn’t be rich since I can’t ask for what I can’t afford myself. The following qualities are very much important to me: Honesty, trust, openness, faithfulness and tolerance. Above all, he must be a one woman man and willing to settle down. I’m not into boyfriend girlfriend stuff. I hate cheats. If interested, contact me at, Chimerem13@yahoo.com.de

He wants intimacy as compensation for dating his wife

Dear Agatha, I am in a very nasty fix and don’t know how to get out of it. I work in one of the better established banks and in 2009, I met and dated this lady that was posted to our branch as a corper. We were an item for over nine months, but when she left for her Masters’ program abroad, the relationship sort of fizzled out. Given that she had introduced me to a couple of her family members including her cousin, I walked up to say hello to this cousin of hers, when I bumped into her at a party at Victoria Island. To cut a long story short, I dated this lady for over a year. After a while she and I parted amicably as we both had incompatible visions. However during the time I dated her, she too had introduced me to my first girl friend’s elder sister. When my first girl friend’s elder sister found out that I was no longer with her cousin, she got in touch with me and did not hide her intention of dating me. After a while, she introduced me to the family as we both felt that the relationship was going somewhere. However, we eventually drifted apart when it became obvious to her that I was not quite ready to settle down. My current dilemma is that her mother being a bit of a looker and a society lady, felt attracted to me and we eventually hooked up. During one of our secret liaisons in their house, we were caught pants down by her husband who happens to be well connected. He was calm about the whole thing; he handled the situation by politely asking me to leave his house and never to come back. I do not know how this man got hold of my number, but he called me to demand for a meeting which I was in no position to refuse. When we met, he told me that since I had slept with his two daughters, his niece and wife, that he feels left out. He is threatening to ensure I lose my job as well as make my life miserable in Lagos, if he does not get his share of my body. Agatha, I am not gay and feel quite repulsed about the whole idea. He has given me up to this week to perform, otherwise…..Help. Valentino. Dear Valentino, You feel repulsed by what he is asking you to do? But you were not disgusted sleeping with daughters and mother or with another man’s wife under his roof? This is what comes out of being insensitive, indiscriminating and generally irresponsible. If you weren’t irresponsible and selfish, you won’t date two sisters, not to talk of three and their mother. Even if their mother offered you all the gold in the world to sleep with her after sleeping with her two daughters, did you have to accept her invitation and doing it inside her matrimonial home? What were you thinking? Accepting not only to date a married woman, but one whose daughters you have dated? In this man’s shoes, what would you have done catching a boy your daughter brought home as her future husband having sex with your wife right under your roof? If this man is demanding you sleep with him as well after all the commotions you have caused in his house and family, who can blame him? You advertised yourself as a young man who isn’t discriminating, who has no respect for the feelings of others at all. So why should you care if this man is asking you to date him since you appear to have a fixation on his family members? If you can sleep with his wife, daughters and niece, he reasons you might as well sleep with him since the world, no, appears to be absent in your dictionary. This man you have obviously hurt deeply feels he is only offering you what you like to do. You are a very lucky young man he didn’t kill you because what you did is enough for another man to terminate your life. You have injured this man in that place where it touches him the most. Do you know the pains he carries as a father seeing you drop one daughter and a niece for another? Can you even begin to imagine his ache when his elder daughter brought you home as the man she plans to spend her life with after you have dated her younger sister? You didn’t need anyone to tell you not to have encouraged the sister after dating two women from the same family. Yes you can argue that the elder daughter initiated the relationship but, if you have a little moral, you would have declined especially as you knew deep down you were only playing the field with her. To add his wife to your list of conquests in his family was very provocative. And the guts having sex with her, under his roof, is what is making this man very determined to destroy you. I suspect this man isn’t really into what he is asking you to do but, is out to make your life miserable; destroy whatever it is that makes you so confident to farm only in his compound. Even if this man didn’t protest, God will because you violated this man’s matrimonial home. Never mind that his wife approached you for a relationship, wisdom and respect for the sanctity of the marriage institution should have made you run away from her considering that you too would one day get married. When you were sleeping with her in her husband’s house, did you ever pause to think of her marital status and how you are helping her to destroy her home? Did you consider the pains you would be causing her husband and family if they found out what you had done? What about her daughters you slept with? Did you put into consideration that the woman you were sleeping with bore them? Even if the woman is morally bankrupt and lacking of the essential ingredients to qualify her as a responsible mother and good example of womanhood, did you have to oblige her request? Aren’t there single women out there you could easily have continued your sexual fantasies with? Did you for one second consider the possibility of someone sleeping with your own wife one day, while you were sleeping with this woman? One way to get out of this issue is to first accept that you were wrong. From the tone of your letter, you aren’t repentant; just worried about what the man is asking you to do. To get out of this mess your lust put you, you must first acknowledge you were very wrong. You cannot plant sorrow in a man’s heart and life and expect to reap sweetness in your own life. You have done too much harm to this man. Go and look for who to beg that will talk to him. Not only have you destroyed this man’s home but you have also ruined him as a man. You need to find ways of really appealing to him to forgive you even though the harm you caused him will never mend. Whatever you do, ensure he forgives you. Through his daughter, you can get the name of someone he respects who can join you in appealing to him. Also ask for God’s forgiveness in this matter. It is essential. It is important you learn from this by conducting your affairs with more decorum in future. Chances are this happened to save you from a more grievous danger in future. If you are wise, you will move closer to God and stay focused in life. Very promising careers of many young men and women have been buried permanently by their reckless and insatiable thirst for sex. Good luck.

I like him, despite violating me

Dear Agatha, I am a final year student in the university. I met this guy in a social night, my department organised. He wasn’t a student. His friend invited him to the event. He seemed cool and nice to me. In the course of our discussion, I discovered we were from the same hometown. Eventually, he said he really liked me and wanted a serious relationship with me. I decided to give it a trial. One evening, he decided we should hangout. We did and it got late. Since I could not go back to the hostel, I passed the night in his house. He dropped me off in his house and went out again. He came back in the morning and wanted sex. I told him he was rather too fast since we just met. He kept insisting he liked me and had no intention of using and dumping me. I opened up to him that I was a virgin and wanted to keep myself until my wedding night. I requested for a sexless relationship. Immediately, he started pledging his everlasting love, care and respect and insisted on having his way. When I declined he forced me. I struggled and begged but to no avail. He locked his doors, seized my clothes and phone. He told me whether I liked it or not, he must deflower me that day. He kept repeating that he really liked me and would not dump me. He said my tears did not move him. He forced himself on me. I was in severe pains and while I was screaming, he kept apologizing and encouraging me to endure the pains; that it would soon be over. He said all sorts of things to me; including having everything to make me happy. I was so devastated and afraid it would affect me in my examination that was to start in two days from that incident. After I left him that day, I did not take his calls. My surprise is that I am not even angry with him and that the incidence didn’t really affect me or made me to hate him. I find myself rather still liking him. The last time he called, I asked him never to call me again but when he called again, I could not ignore it. He still wants to see me. Please help me. I don’t know what to do. Loveth. Dear Loveth, There are so many things wrong with your story. For instance why did you stay so late with a man you hardly know? Why didn’t you end the outing when you discovered it was getting late for you to go to your hostel? By staying that late with him, you encouraged the situation. When you realized it was getting late, you should have insisted he took you back to your hostel. Had you insisted in a public place, his reactions would have given you a preview into his kind of temperament. There are certain things a man cannot hide; one of them is masking the kind of aggressive character that would make him rape a woman. Such traits don’t develop overnight; they are always inherent in the man who has the tendency to. His intentions were well thought out and executed. Had you been more observant, your insistence to leave early would have brought to fore his frustration which would have manifested his true nature for you to see. The fact that you stayed out late with him, encouraged and emboldened him to take advantage of you. Also, why didn’t you insist on him taking you back to the hostel rather than his house, no matter the time? The fact that you didn’t, compromised you in ways you cannot explain to yourself let alone those around you. You may have been a virgin but didn’t display an understanding of an undergraduate at all. The lesson here is for you never to trust a man you are just meeting. Trust should be earned to given to anyone. There is also the tiny issue of him leaving you all night and coming back in the morning. That too, gave you the opportunity to be ready to leave immediately he came back. The fact that you weren’t ready when he came back in the morning, sent out a very wrong signal about your kind of person. For a girl who is a virgin; just finding out about the character of a man, you left too many things to chance. Telling him you were a virgin at the time he wanted to have sex with you was a miscalculation. It only served to stimulate his ambition. A normal man would have backed off at that point, but not a man who is selfish. He left you all night to fight the urge raging inside him; he wanted to avoid what eventually happened but lost the battle when he found out that you were a virgin. Finding you untouched further fueled his desires for you. Well, the harm had been done. The decision really is yours to make but you need to munch on these points in arriving at how you want to handle him in future. No matter his excuses and your slips, he is guilty of forcing himself on you; more so, in deflowering you. This isn’t the kind of man to trust at all. If he is capable of doing it once, he will do it again. For you, he took away the most precious time and gift of your womanhood. Responsible men don’t go about raping women. Therefore, be careful because his words and promises lack credibility. This kind of man can become violent in other ways. Sexual violence has led to the deaths of many women in and out of relationships. What if he had injured you in the process of you struggling with him? A lot of women have gotten killed in their struggles to avoid being raped by a man. Any man who abuses a woman the way he did to you, should be avoided by a reasonable woman. The fact that he showed no remorse is a dangerous signal you should take into consideration. This presents him as one of those men who hold the view that women are meant to be conquered in all fronts. The danger of living with this kind of man is that he will never completely treat you with the kind of respect you deserve as a woman; no matter what he says, when the chips are down, he will apply violence to bend you to his wishes. The sincere question you should ask yourself is, can you cope with this kind of man who may never completely exhibit the compassion that a woman needs to come to full accomplishment of herself in life? For now, your emotions maybe confusing, but you need to appreciate that you are the one who has lost so much; your virginity and dignity as a woman. Responsibility, is knowing when to draw the line between selfishness and selflessness. What makes a man absolutely responsible is how he treats the woman in his life. The nature of the man is to be stimulated by sight but, a reasonable man has to be able to control his emotions at all times else he ends up becoming a rapist. The important question is can you cope with a rapist? Can you defend his actions against other women including your close friends and sisters? The cycle of respect is all embracing. If he can violate you, what assurances do you have that he won’t do the same thing to other women around you? Can you trust and stand by him if another woman comes up tomorrow to accuse him of raping her? When you look back to your first time as a woman, would you ever be able to forgive and completely forget the brutality of his actions? Given the promises he made to care for you and what he did to you, can you ever believe in his words as a man to you? Since you are unable to get him out of your system, arrange for a meeting with him to discuss these issues with him. Ask him why he raped you even when he knew you were a virgin and was making promises to take care of you? Violating you and the promises he made to you are worlds apart. They are two strange bedfellows that don’t go together. Even if you think you can continue with him, let him know he has to earn your trust in more ways than he knows. Importantly, you don’t have to give in to him cheaply. Forcing himself on you could be his way of ensuring you stay his’ forever. Don’t be fooled by your feelings. Think with your head and not your heart to avoid being taken for granted by this man whose only interest in you could be your body. Frankly these aren’t good signals but like I said, the choice is yours to make. Good luck.