Dear Agatha,
There is this man I love so much and who is also in love with me. He is very caring and treats me like a wife. He is a widower with four children. He is interested in marrying me but the big issue is he is 19 years older than I am. I am 20 years old. Please I need your advice.
Chichi.
Dear Chichi,
If you don't have any qualms dating him and allowing him to care for you, why the sudden concern over your ages now that he has asked you to marry him? You knew he was older than you when you agreed to a relationship with him. He must have told you about himself before now so why didn't it bother you then and why now?
Is it the fact that you are taking him out of the cupboard where your relationship has operated until now to the open market where it would be once you agree to marry him? Do you consider his money, love and care also old?
What precisely are you afraid or ashamed of? The fact that your friends would wonder and laugh at your choice of a husband or that you might not be able to cope with his children? Could your concern be that he doesn't want you for who you are but as mother to his children or that your ideas and outlook towards issues are many years apart?
Are your fears over your parents'reactions or your ability to cope with one so much older than yourself? Could your fears be the one every young girl involved with an older man secretly carries deep in her heart; that of meeting a younger man who arrests your heart in more ways than you can cope with? Are you worried about your fidelity to this man and the marriage?
Frankly, there is no marriage without moments of anxiety as well as apprehension over a lot of things. You won't be human or sensible if you didn't think or worry about all these issues. With him being so much older than you, it is natural for you to put all these things in their proper perspective because the success both of you would record as a couple depends very much on how honest you are about these issues.
To help you have a very clear and broad perspective; begin by first determining the quality of your love. Is your love strong enough to swallow up all the combined opposition that would come from all fronts? Is it the kind that has an all weatherproof resistant cover or the kind that is selective? Your love for this man must be blind and deaf to what others think of him or your decision to date someone much older than you. At this threshold in your life, you are not responsible to anybody but yourself. This is your life and only you can tell what can make it work for you.
Being 19 years older than you isn't the issue but how he has affected your life positively. What improvements has he brought into your life? How has he helped you develop yourself vis-a-vis your relationship with others around you especially as it concerns your friends and family?
For you to understand a relationship, you must be holistic in your approach to issues as well as thorough. Don't forget this is about your life and that nobody can live it right for you. Don't be ashamed to say what you feel.
If gratitude is what you feel for this man and not love, he doesn't need you in his life because you would only inflict more wounds on him psychologically. Having lost a wife, he needs a woman who would not only be a mother to his children but also to him. He needs a friend, true companion, confidant, partner, helpmate, help-provider with his children.
You must also realise that this marriage is not only about him but also about four innocent children whose lives would be woven around your own once you marry him. Can you cope with this already made family?
What is your relationship with them? Do you have maternal feelings for the children? Please this is the time to be honest. Don't pretend to be who you are not? At 20, you need freedom to express yourself; to pursue your own dreams as a person as well as a married woman.
Take it from me; it is not going to be easy waking up on the first morning as a married woman to the image of four children in tow. This is an aspect you must think out well before going into it. To do anything less is to hurt this man and those children who have started to regard you as a perfect replacement for their mother. Their hearts are too tender to be inflicted with rejections the second time. The first time was when their mother died. It is best not to raise their hopes than to shatter them completely after they have accepted you into their world.
So, what do you really feel for them? Love, compassion or indifference? Like you, these children also have rights to their father's love. Can you cope with them taking up some of your space in your husband's heart? Would you change towards them when your own children come?
These are fundamentals all of you must come together to discuss as a family. Candidly, this is not going to be so easy for you. Being young, you would want some private time with your man; away from everyone; time to build memories, time to bond as man and woman; you are bound to be irritated, frustrated, feel cheated when unlike other couples of your age, you don't go out so much because of the children. Yes, you would feel aggravated when you don't have time to steal kisses or let go completely without worries about being improper. But if you all talk about it; understand that such feelings are natural; nobody would feel hurt or unwanted when such moods come. Instead of resentment, it would act as their cue to give you time to be alone with your man.
It would also help your man understand that he has to devote more time to your needs as well as being a father to the children. On your part, you would also be able to understand his reasons for doing things in certain ways. Just as you would also appreciate that the children are not intruders but legitimate members of your family as well as progressive stakeholders.
You may be young but you must appreciate that once you accept to be their father's mother, you automatically become their mother hence must possess a wisdom far above your age to know when to apply genuine discipline, praise, encourage, pray as well as support the children to succeed in life. That as their new mother your age becomes irrelevant and that what matters is the fairness you deploy in running the affairs of your home.
You also have to look beyond the present cares to what you like most about his character and person. It is important you have something substantial to hold on to for the stormy days ahead because no marriage is without its days in the hot, dry and neglected side of the desert. When couples get to that point, they need something concrete, exceptional to put their canoe back on track.
Believe me; you would have more than the average couple so it helps to be prepared from the beginning by not building your decision to marry this man on illusions but on firm reality.
Both of you just have to work these things out on your own before presenting yourselves to the public. Without first securing your hearts as well as commitments to each other, you may get derailed by public opinion.
Look beyond his age to his person, vis-a-vis your dreams about your own life and needs. Once you are convinced he is the right man for you, don't debate it with anybody except God who sees the end from the beginning. If God tells you yes; listen to Him because marriage is His special gift to mankind. When you get married to the right person, age becomes just a number. But you must be absolutely honest at every turn to be really happy.
Good luck.
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