with Auntie Agatha. email: gataedo@yahoo.com; agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel:08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I want to start by commending your selfless efforts.
Before I travelled out there was this lady I dated for two years. We were so much in love but problem started when my parents found out about our relationship.
It was easy for them to investigate her because we happen to come from the same town. They found out that her family is Osu.
My mum instantly withdrew her support for the relationship and forbade me from marrying her. I had already discussed my plans with her. Naturally, the whole family backed up my mother.
Since I didn’t believe in such outdated traditions more so because of the emotional pains it has caused so many young men and women from my part of the country, it was very difficult for me to cope.
It’s been very difficult for me to recover from. It has been three years now since that incident. I didn’t have the courage to tell her of my family’s opposition. And since I had to travel almost immediately, it was easy. We have been in touch with each other since I came here.
But since I don’t want to go into a marriage my whole family will not support let alone attending, I want to put an end to her dreams about us spending our lives together. I just want her as a friend. I have tried not to call her so that she can look for someone else but it isn’t working at all because she keeps calling me. Now, she just got admission to the university and needs assistance. She called to inform me about it. I don’t know what to do because if I keep supporting her, she will never be able to get me off her system and I don’t want to disappoint any woman.
Furthermore, I am planning to visit home at the end of this year to explore the possibility of finding another woman I would be able to marry.
Though I met one lady through the Facebook, I seemed to have fallen in love with her. I call her everyday on the phone. Please advise me on both issues if I am doing the right thing or not because I need to be focused now before I fritter all my youthful years dating white women.
Larry.
Dear Larry,
The issue of Osu is something your people are very passionate if not fanatical about. To go against the norm of your people, you must be very strong willed and ready to give up everything to begin an entirely new life with your wife.
Because we all live in a heterogeneous society, one where we would always have one reason to interact with our family members, you have to make up your mind on how far you can go without speaking with your mother especially.
Even though I don’t support cultural apartheid, belief in the rights of everyone, wisdom demands that you should think deeply about the stance of your family. It would take more than love for this marriage to work; it would take absolute dedication, unwavering commitment and sacrifice for you to keep it going because you won’t stop experiencing discrimination from everybody in your community. Your friends too who consider themselves freeborn would along the line hurt you in their attempts to put customs before friendship.
The frustration of being rejected almost by everybody is bound to put a lot of strain on your marriage. Tempers would eventually fly as you especially, struggle with your inner self on the wisdom of you marrying her. If she turns out to be less than perfect, you will never be at peace with yourself.
The bottom line is your strength as a man and from your line of argument; it is obvious that you lack the guts to take on your family and the culture of your people. The fair thing is for you to tell this young lady the whole truth about your relationship, family and your planned future together.
Giving her false hope long after your family has told you to quit the relationship isn’t right. If you had told her three years ago, given her the choice of continuing with you or not, by now she would have made up her mind on what to do.
To delay further is to cause her more pains. Do both of you a big favour by coming out and telling her the truth. Not taking her calls or finding someone else won’t totally wash away the problem created by your cultural values in your relationship with this lady.
Besides, you owe it to this lady you have dated for five years explanation on why you are taking a walk away from it all. It would be cowardly of you to hide under the scent of disagreement you are purposely cooking to end it all. Life doesn’t work that way.
For now, don’t expect her to agree to friendship from you. In a way she would feel betrayed by you if she gets to know that for three years, you have deceived her to stay in a relationship you know is no longer viable to you.
Having made up your mind to be of help to her, assist her with whatever you can afford because the issue here is her education. Chances are if she doesn’t get help, she might drop out or go into habits that you would end up in her destruction. If your assistance is clearly defined, not given because you want to marry her but as a friend who desires her success in life, she won’t misinterpret it.
On the issue of your Facebook girlfriend; look before you leap. If she is from your area, be sure she isn’t considered a social outcast by your culture. Also, be sure you know the person you are falling in love with. Granted, love can happen in unexpected places but sustaining it is the difficult part. It’s unfortunate to fall in love with an image rather than a person, because regrets always follow.
Rather than proclaiming love, first fall in friendship. Get all the information you need about her, her life, family, friends and interests. Create time out to meet in person, discuss and see what the future holds. True love is usually the last to happen. It grows with our knowledge of who the other person is, as the wrappers fall from the package.
This lady is just like a wrapped gift. What you are seeing now is the attraction of the wrapper; to fall in love with a gift wrapper is to trivialise the meaning of love. The substance is in what is inside the wrapper.
Don’t allow the lesson of your first experience go down the drain. Remember that you were once very much in love with your first girlfriend, but it wasn’t enough to protect your relationship from the tyranny of your culture.
There are some behaviours and attitudes worse than the culture you speak of. Who is this woman you are falling in love with? Can you defend her credibility with your eyes closed and your heartbeats at normal rate when an occasion calls for it? This is why you should approach any Internet relationship with caution irrespective of whether it would work or not.
There is also the issue of you wrapping up your outstanding business with your first girlfriend before moving on into something else with another person. Be sure, there is nothing between you and this woman again, that she understands your constraints in this matter.
You should enter into your next relationship with a clear mind.
It would equally pay you if you pray earnestly for God’s direction. The issue of marriage is a lot more serious than most people think.
Good luck.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I want his focus on me alone…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
God’s blessing be upon you for your good work. I am a regular reader of your column and I thank God for His Knowledge and Understanding He has bestowed on you. I really enjoy your good and knowledgeable answers. The more reason I decided to write you.
I am about to go into the higher institution called “marriage”. I love my spouse and he loves me too. I don’t want to lose him to another woman. Please help me with tips on how to keep his eyes on me and me alone.
Worried Mind.
Dear Worried Mind,
A woman, who cares, pampers and respects her husband, will always get his attention and support any day. Even if such a man strays, he would always come back home because no other woman would ever measure up to his wife.
Every man needs a little bit of his mother, friend, favourite sister or auntie, confidant and cheerleader in his wife. This is why it takes more than sex to make a marriage work.
From experience most marriages begin to have problems when the woman refuses to recognise that it takes a lot more than being a wife to make a marriage work. A woman, who restricts herself to the functional role of just being a wife, ends up courting trouble for herself and marriage. For your marriage to work, you must go beyond the limits of a wife. You have to adopt your man as your first child; give him attention even when he appears not to appreciate it.
Ensure he gets his meals on time, he is healthy, has clean clothes to wear, eat well-cooked home made meals, give him a listening ear when he comes home, has a well made and clean bed to sleep on, tell him little stories of how special he makes you; this is a good massage for his ego. Every man, no matter his age and disposition, has an ego that needs massaging. You must devote quality time to ensuring this ego of his get good massage through compliments and humility on your part.
No matter how well positioned you are, how much you earn or how fortunate you get as a woman, learn to be submissive as a wife. It doesn’t take too much effort to get a man to do a woman’s bidding if she knows how to package herself well.
A woman doesn’t have to engage in any fetish practice to get her man eating out of her hands nor does she have to nag or shout to be in control of her home. What a woman cannot get through shouting and nagging her husband, she would get effortlessly through respect and humility.
Before going into this marriage, be sure of what you want and stick to it. Don’t involve friends who would mock your attempts at building a good home. A lot of time, problems come when women listen to jaundiced views of some women who claim equal rights with men. Keep feminism out of your marriage at all cost. Not every man can tolerate a woman challenging or questioning his authority as a man. As a matter of fact, it is one of the reasons men stray. Men usually want to be in charge.
If you want your home to succeed, recognise the leadership of your man. There is no way two captains can effectively man a boat. One has to step down for one to take complete command of the boat. At home, you must step down as the woman for the man to be in control. Even if you are the breadwinner, don’t ever act it. As a matter of fact it is the time for any sensible woman to be more obedient to her man.
Also, you must learn to play the politics of the heart. Before he became your husband, he was son to a woman and brother to other women. You must from the very beginning factor the interests of these women into your marital journey. It would be a miscalculation if you think you have the advantage over him because you are his wife. No matter how difficult your mother-in-law turns out to be, for the sake of your husband be nice to her, at least, for the simple reason that you would one day be in her position. This way you would protect your marriage and husband from the wear and tear that come from you and his mother fighting.
By cultivating the attitude of dialogue, you build into your marriage a gateway of open communication to help your marriage during marital draught. You must at all times be able to get through to your man; it is the only way to earn his trust and confidence to share his thoughts, worries and plans with you.
Learn also to be fashionable, and not fashion crazy. But it pays to look good else he would have an excuse to look elsewhere.
Above all, a wise woman fights her marital battles on her knees. Always put God first in whatever you do.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
God’s blessing be upon you for your good work. I am a regular reader of your column and I thank God for His Knowledge and Understanding He has bestowed on you. I really enjoy your good and knowledgeable answers. The more reason I decided to write you.
I am about to go into the higher institution called “marriage”. I love my spouse and he loves me too. I don’t want to lose him to another woman. Please help me with tips on how to keep his eyes on me and me alone.
Worried Mind.
Dear Worried Mind,
A woman, who cares, pampers and respects her husband, will always get his attention and support any day. Even if such a man strays, he would always come back home because no other woman would ever measure up to his wife.
Every man needs a little bit of his mother, friend, favourite sister or auntie, confidant and cheerleader in his wife. This is why it takes more than sex to make a marriage work.
From experience most marriages begin to have problems when the woman refuses to recognise that it takes a lot more than being a wife to make a marriage work. A woman, who restricts herself to the functional role of just being a wife, ends up courting trouble for herself and marriage. For your marriage to work, you must go beyond the limits of a wife. You have to adopt your man as your first child; give him attention even when he appears not to appreciate it.
Ensure he gets his meals on time, he is healthy, has clean clothes to wear, eat well-cooked home made meals, give him a listening ear when he comes home, has a well made and clean bed to sleep on, tell him little stories of how special he makes you; this is a good massage for his ego. Every man, no matter his age and disposition, has an ego that needs massaging. You must devote quality time to ensuring this ego of his get good massage through compliments and humility on your part.
No matter how well positioned you are, how much you earn or how fortunate you get as a woman, learn to be submissive as a wife. It doesn’t take too much effort to get a man to do a woman’s bidding if she knows how to package herself well.
A woman doesn’t have to engage in any fetish practice to get her man eating out of her hands nor does she have to nag or shout to be in control of her home. What a woman cannot get through shouting and nagging her husband, she would get effortlessly through respect and humility.
Before going into this marriage, be sure of what you want and stick to it. Don’t involve friends who would mock your attempts at building a good home. A lot of time, problems come when women listen to jaundiced views of some women who claim equal rights with men. Keep feminism out of your marriage at all cost. Not every man can tolerate a woman challenging or questioning his authority as a man. As a matter of fact, it is one of the reasons men stray. Men usually want to be in charge.
If you want your home to succeed, recognise the leadership of your man. There is no way two captains can effectively man a boat. One has to step down for one to take complete command of the boat. At home, you must step down as the woman for the man to be in control. Even if you are the breadwinner, don’t ever act it. As a matter of fact it is the time for any sensible woman to be more obedient to her man.
Also, you must learn to play the politics of the heart. Before he became your husband, he was son to a woman and brother to other women. You must from the very beginning factor the interests of these women into your marital journey. It would be a miscalculation if you think you have the advantage over him because you are his wife. No matter how difficult your mother-in-law turns out to be, for the sake of your husband be nice to her, at least, for the simple reason that you would one day be in her position. This way you would protect your marriage and husband from the wear and tear that come from you and his mother fighting.
By cultivating the attitude of dialogue, you build into your marriage a gateway of open communication to help your marriage during marital draught. You must at all times be able to get through to your man; it is the only way to earn his trust and confidence to share his thoughts, worries and plans with you.
Learn also to be fashionable, and not fashion crazy. But it pays to look good else he would have an excuse to look elsewhere.
Above all, a wise woman fights her marital battles on her knees. Always put God first in whatever you do.
Good luck.
My wife has too many male friends
Marriage Clinic
With Agatha EdoEmail:gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
First, I commend you for the time you have devoted to solving problems in some families and relationships through your words of advice and encouragement. Please keep it up. I also want to share my own problems with you before I make a mistake.
I married my wife eight years ago and we are blessed with two children. We have enjoyed peace in our home and never had any serious problems apart from one or two challenges which aren’t too much for our marriage to cope with.
I love my wife so much and I believe she loves me too; though we did not date before we got married.
Now there is one thing she does regularly which irritates me, she is fond of keeping male friends to the extent that she is still in touch with her old boyfriends. She takes their calls any day and any time. If I ask for the identity of the person she is talking to, she would say a friend she recently met on her way to either the market or any place.
She would add that the person knows she is married but doesn’t mind being her friend.
What has pushed me to seek your help is what happened recently. We were in bed around 10:30 p.m. as husband and wife trying to make love when she received a call.
After about 10minutes on the phone, she told me that it was her old boyfriend who called.
At that point, I didn’t say or attempt to do anything again with her. I simply turned my back on her and slept off. Though she has tried to explain to me that there is nothing going on between her and these men, I have advised her many times to stop keeping them but all fell on deaf ears. I am a kind of person that hates to talk too much and my decision now is to divorce her so she can have time to try those her so-called ‘just friends’. Please Agatha help.
Worried Jimoh.
Dear Worried Jimoh,
I appreciate your feelings but what would you prefer? A woman who is very secretive about her friends, who would lie to you about the true identity of those she is speaking with or yours who is very honest?
Divorcing her isn’t a solution to whatever the issue at hand is. You are not the only one involved, you have to consider your children too. Also what would your reason be? That she has male friends? Unlike what many think, divorce isn’t always easy to get. There must be sufficient and convincing grounds before any court or system allows it to fall through.
Her only offence is in the nature of her person. She is one of those people who believe in friendship irrespective of gender and the implications of having so many friends in one’s life. There are some women who prefer the friendship of the opposite sex more than their own gender. Sometimes this preference comes from very bitter experiences or the kind of homes and environments they grew up in.
If she grew up among brothers and male cousins or a neighbourhood dominated by boys, it follows that most of her friends would be members of the opposite sex.
She may, like most serious-minded women, find female company boring and less motivating. These kinds of women find male company challenging and inspiring to their dreams and visions.
That she is telling you without hesitation points at a heart of sincerity and openness. It removes suspicion from the kind of friendship she wants from these people. If she is promiscuous, she won’t come back home to give you clues to the identity of the persons she has relationships with.
The problem with your marriage clearly is not that of infidelity but of you both having a perfect understanding into your different nature. You must both sit down to first discuss your lives before you met and married to give each other a clear picture of where you are coming from before discussing the issue of your togetherness as a couple.
You are having this major problem because you skipped the important stage of dating. Had you gone through the process of dating, you would have noticed this side of her before now. By now, you would have long sorted out the problem. It is never too late to make amends. What you both need is determination as well as sincerity in balancing your nature and individualities. You must accept the fact that she cannot totally change overnight or stop her from keeping a little part of who she is. To attempt to completely conquer her is to change the nature of the person you married.
This is often where the complications in many failed and troubled marriages begin. Being married doesn’t mean a man or woman must change from being the person the spouse fell in love with to what the husband or the wife wants him or her to be.
The word ‘marriage’ draws its strength from being able to manage and tolerate each other’s weaknesses and strengths.
What you should do as the head of the house is not to fight her over these other people she has crowded into her life. That she is willing to keep them as friends means you are not doing enough in that department. You must strive to make yourself her best friend; let her earn your confidence to tell or discuss whatever her fears, problems and joys are with you.
It is only when you have positioned yourself in her life as a trusted friend and confidant that you can demand changes from her. To do this well, you must be able to use all the power of communication effectively. Communication is a powerful tool to the success of every marriage. It goes beyond exchanging pleasantries or conversing; it is a total package that involves all the sense organs God blessed humans with. This is the integration of the body, spirit and soul. Communication is when a partner can tell what the other is thinking or the message he or she is trying to pass on without words.
For her kind of person, it is essential you get to know who her friends are; both the ones in the past and the ones she is just meeting. Observing them together would give you a clue into her person as well as ideas of improving on your own relationship with her. Seeing her talk with her friends would point you to what is missing in your relationship with her.
This would be especially helpful if this habit has been formed from her childhood. Refusing to permit her to associate with these friends totally would be like denying her of everything she has always believed in as well as deleting the totality of her person.
The sacrifices you are willing to put into making her happy is what would make her change willingly. There is no sane woman who would put her marriage on the line for whatever reason especially if the man is trying so hard to make her see reasons without violence.
One thing is certain, she would learn to respect you the more for even trying to make her happy. For the simple reason of wanting you to be happy, she would without any resistance give up her friends. By measuring her happiness, you give her confidence to lean on you completely and make you the centre of her world.
That you have been married for eight years doesn’t mean you know everything there is to know about her. Both of you must make the resolve to learn more of each other everyday God gives you.
However, when it comes to the issue of these friends interfering with your intimacy, put your feet down by insisting that it is your time and as such you won’t have her allowing her friends whether old or new meddle; that you don’t have anything against them calling her during the day but when you are around or with her, she should give you your respect.
Ask her how she would feel if you are the one receiving calls at prime time from female friends or an ex-girlfriend? Without you adding another word, it would communicate your feelings to her.
Above all, learn to commit your marriage to the hands of God. He takes care of His own.
Good luck.
With Agatha EdoEmail:gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
First, I commend you for the time you have devoted to solving problems in some families and relationships through your words of advice and encouragement. Please keep it up. I also want to share my own problems with you before I make a mistake.
I married my wife eight years ago and we are blessed with two children. We have enjoyed peace in our home and never had any serious problems apart from one or two challenges which aren’t too much for our marriage to cope with.
I love my wife so much and I believe she loves me too; though we did not date before we got married.
Now there is one thing she does regularly which irritates me, she is fond of keeping male friends to the extent that she is still in touch with her old boyfriends. She takes their calls any day and any time. If I ask for the identity of the person she is talking to, she would say a friend she recently met on her way to either the market or any place.
She would add that the person knows she is married but doesn’t mind being her friend.
What has pushed me to seek your help is what happened recently. We were in bed around 10:30 p.m. as husband and wife trying to make love when she received a call.
After about 10minutes on the phone, she told me that it was her old boyfriend who called.
At that point, I didn’t say or attempt to do anything again with her. I simply turned my back on her and slept off. Though she has tried to explain to me that there is nothing going on between her and these men, I have advised her many times to stop keeping them but all fell on deaf ears. I am a kind of person that hates to talk too much and my decision now is to divorce her so she can have time to try those her so-called ‘just friends’. Please Agatha help.
Worried Jimoh.
Dear Worried Jimoh,
I appreciate your feelings but what would you prefer? A woman who is very secretive about her friends, who would lie to you about the true identity of those she is speaking with or yours who is very honest?
Divorcing her isn’t a solution to whatever the issue at hand is. You are not the only one involved, you have to consider your children too. Also what would your reason be? That she has male friends? Unlike what many think, divorce isn’t always easy to get. There must be sufficient and convincing grounds before any court or system allows it to fall through.
Her only offence is in the nature of her person. She is one of those people who believe in friendship irrespective of gender and the implications of having so many friends in one’s life. There are some women who prefer the friendship of the opposite sex more than their own gender. Sometimes this preference comes from very bitter experiences or the kind of homes and environments they grew up in.
If she grew up among brothers and male cousins or a neighbourhood dominated by boys, it follows that most of her friends would be members of the opposite sex.
She may, like most serious-minded women, find female company boring and less motivating. These kinds of women find male company challenging and inspiring to their dreams and visions.
That she is telling you without hesitation points at a heart of sincerity and openness. It removes suspicion from the kind of friendship she wants from these people. If she is promiscuous, she won’t come back home to give you clues to the identity of the persons she has relationships with.
The problem with your marriage clearly is not that of infidelity but of you both having a perfect understanding into your different nature. You must both sit down to first discuss your lives before you met and married to give each other a clear picture of where you are coming from before discussing the issue of your togetherness as a couple.
You are having this major problem because you skipped the important stage of dating. Had you gone through the process of dating, you would have noticed this side of her before now. By now, you would have long sorted out the problem. It is never too late to make amends. What you both need is determination as well as sincerity in balancing your nature and individualities. You must accept the fact that she cannot totally change overnight or stop her from keeping a little part of who she is. To attempt to completely conquer her is to change the nature of the person you married.
This is often where the complications in many failed and troubled marriages begin. Being married doesn’t mean a man or woman must change from being the person the spouse fell in love with to what the husband or the wife wants him or her to be.
The word ‘marriage’ draws its strength from being able to manage and tolerate each other’s weaknesses and strengths.
What you should do as the head of the house is not to fight her over these other people she has crowded into her life. That she is willing to keep them as friends means you are not doing enough in that department. You must strive to make yourself her best friend; let her earn your confidence to tell or discuss whatever her fears, problems and joys are with you.
It is only when you have positioned yourself in her life as a trusted friend and confidant that you can demand changes from her. To do this well, you must be able to use all the power of communication effectively. Communication is a powerful tool to the success of every marriage. It goes beyond exchanging pleasantries or conversing; it is a total package that involves all the sense organs God blessed humans with. This is the integration of the body, spirit and soul. Communication is when a partner can tell what the other is thinking or the message he or she is trying to pass on without words.
For her kind of person, it is essential you get to know who her friends are; both the ones in the past and the ones she is just meeting. Observing them together would give you a clue into her person as well as ideas of improving on your own relationship with her. Seeing her talk with her friends would point you to what is missing in your relationship with her.
This would be especially helpful if this habit has been formed from her childhood. Refusing to permit her to associate with these friends totally would be like denying her of everything she has always believed in as well as deleting the totality of her person.
The sacrifices you are willing to put into making her happy is what would make her change willingly. There is no sane woman who would put her marriage on the line for whatever reason especially if the man is trying so hard to make her see reasons without violence.
One thing is certain, she would learn to respect you the more for even trying to make her happy. For the simple reason of wanting you to be happy, she would without any resistance give up her friends. By measuring her happiness, you give her confidence to lean on you completely and make you the centre of her world.
That you have been married for eight years doesn’t mean you know everything there is to know about her. Both of you must make the resolve to learn more of each other everyday God gives you.
However, when it comes to the issue of these friends interfering with your intimacy, put your feet down by insisting that it is your time and as such you won’t have her allowing her friends whether old or new meddle; that you don’t have anything against them calling her during the day but when you are around or with her, she should give you your respect.
Ask her how she would feel if you are the one receiving calls at prime time from female friends or an ex-girlfriend? Without you adding another word, it would communicate your feelings to her.
Above all, learn to commit your marriage to the hands of God. He takes care of His own.
Good luck.
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